"If I've been cold, if I've spoken in anger
To have been bold
Forgive me
You know I don't see your mother
Not like before
Though she hasn't forgotten
She doesn't like to be reminded anymore
Annie got married
It didn't come without tears
Like the day you died
I had laughter for these years."

thirdeyeblind

"Oh you're a clever boy.
Don't live forever boy."

Long napless days lead to long sleep-filled nights. I am so sick of chicken. No more chicken. Maybe ill try to watch the pirates sequal again. I just can't stand whats-her-name. Kiera Knightly. She just seems like such a bitch in real life.

Its snowing. Court said blizzard. It would be pretty sweet to have one im not going to lie. I mean if its going to be below zero, there might as well be something to show for it. take away some of this drearyness... dreariness? whatever. FYI the 2007 Airedale calender is pretty amazingly cute. i think i need to submit a picture of Axle. hes a perfect representation of the breed. i miss him terribly.

quit the excessive drinking and smoking.

"If I could bottle my hopes in a store bought scent
They'd be nutmeg peach and they'd pay the rent."

"i don't want to call you, but then i want to call you. and i don't want to crush you but i feel like crushing you. and its true i took for granted you were with me."
thirdeyeblind

ugh im depressed.


and mike giovenco seriously needs to visit me.

i can't stop thinking about you (steve) even though you probably don't read this and if you do its with a huge chip on your shoulder and a bitter and critical heart. but just so you know, it was never my plan to hurt you or end things at all. i wanted so desperately for everything to work every time. but 4 years later the same conflicts never seemed to be resolved. and i'm sorry.

"You've been my golden best friend
And now with post-demise at hand
I can't go to you for consolation
Cuz we're off limits during this transition

This grief overwhelms me
It burns in my stomach
And I can't stop bumping into things

I thought we'd be simple together
I thought we'd be happy together
thought we'd be limitless together
I thought we'd be precious together
But I was sadly mistaken

You've been my soulmate and then some
I remembered you the moment I met you
With you I knew God's face was handsome
With you I saw fun and expansion
This loss is numbing me it pierces my chest
And I can't stop dropping everything

I thought we'd be sexy together
thought we'd be evolving together
I thought we'd have children together
I thought we'd be family together
But I was sadly mistaken

If I had a bill for all the philosophies I shared
If I had a penny for all the possibilities I presented
If I had a dime for every hand thrown up in the air
My wealth would render this no less severe

I thought we'd be genius together
I thought we'd be healing together
I thought we'd be growing together
thought we'd be adventurous together
But I was sadly mistaken

thought we'd be exploring together
thought we'd be inspired together
I thought we'd be flying together
thought we'd be on fire together
but I was sadly mistaken"

alanis- simple together

its 6 degrees out but it feels like -9. who loves the midwest!

I miss Ronny and I don't think its going to stop.

I hate when Minnesota Wild games take over the programming of the normal friends/friends/scrubs/scrubs 2 hour block. especially since i can never get those episodes back! and i missed the first 10 minutes of the new Grey's Anatomy tonight since i was at the chem help.

"I won't be that stray coming back just to be fed."

brand new

"Sleeping is my 9 to 5"

literally.

I kind of wish i had more of a life. I have a soccer game tonight. that should be interesting since im still really sore from the first one. Vagina monologues first rehersal went well. im glad to be acting again and now i understand that i'm doing it for a cause, and an important one at that.

sexual assault is ridiculous and too common. people who think the Vagina Monologues are just a bunch of crude feminists are extremely misinformed.

i'm not going to go all womyn and riot grrrrl and what not. i just think people need to know.

people also need to know that i'm in the mood for Garden State and plan on watching it tonight after the game.

"I used to know the name of every person I kissed."

vince
chris
harrison
dave
jimmy*
greg
mike
carter
steve
ronny <3
ryan

"So touch me or don’t.
Just let me know,
Where you’ve been."

some Brand New

*thanks ali haha

i read courtneys most recent post earlier today and it made me want to watch say anything. so i am. even though its midnight and i have class at 8AM. i dont think it matters since i slept almost the entire day.

why do people at airline companies make it impossible for me to see my friends? i made lily's bed already and now she's not coming. how sad!

i love boston. its where i was destined to end up. i'm excited for grad school. i know i want to be in boston, or new york, or LA or some big city. hopefully boston though really. i love the Anas, and Boca, and CHOWDA.

ive been thinking about steve all day. i don't know how to stop. i feel like im Corey Flood from Say Anything and there is nothing i can do to get out of this twisted cycle except hope that steve has moved on and will never take me back because thats the only way ill ever separate myself from him. but just the thought of that makes me want to die a little.

"so im single now. everything's changed. i hate it."

i am so predictable...

...i miss steve.

as i sit on my bed/at my computer watching Hitch by myself while eating a mini bag of 100 calorie popcorn and researching grad schools, i think to myself "wow college is awesome"

i think yeah maybe a part of me would like a relationship but more than anything else i just want some attention. someone to like me and want to hang out with me, go see a movie, go out to dinner.

i desperately want to like being single and enjoy not having a significant other. i want to drink without the main goal of getting completely wasted and forgetting about my pathetic and useless lovelife.

"you're not sick, you're single."

well i feel sick. but i'm determined to be okay with being single. and hopefully i will be okay with it soon. because quite frankly im tired of not being okay with it.

maybe im just a late bloomer.

I am participating in Intermural Soccer.

I also auditioned for The Vagina Monologues.

And I bought my ticket for Argentina.


IM A NEW WOMAN!

1. When was the last time you shaved your legs? like a week ago to me. i kind of let myself go in the winter

2. What were you doing this morning at 8am? in class baby

3. What were you doing 15 minutes ago? walking back from the gym

4. Are you any good at math? worse that awful

6. Do you have any famous ancestors? there's a park named after my great grandpa in miami, arizona!

7. Are you mad at anyone right now? nah im over it.

8. do you know the words to your profile song? i hate profile songs

9. Last thing received in the mail? uhhh to me the church newsletter. SWEET.

10. How many different drinks have you had today? a fresca and a dr pepper

12. Do you ever leave messages on people's answering machine? yes. very long and and important ones.

13. Who did you lose your CONCERT virginity to? blink 182

14. Do you draw your name in the sand when you go to the beach? definitely

15. What's the most painful dental procedure you've had? wisdom

16. What is out your back door? a big willow tree.

17. Do you have plans on Friday night? no. maybe drive home?

18. Do you like the ocean? love it

19. Have you ever received one of those big tins of 3 different kinds of popcorn for Christmas? no but ive always wanted one.

20. Have you ever been to a planetarium? yeah E and i went this summer

22. Something you are excited about? interim break.

24. Are any of your great-grandparents still alive? nope

25. Describe your love life. i guess im doing like "casual dating" and hating every minute of it

26. Where do you keep your change? in the bottom of my purse

27. When was the last time you spoke in front of a large group of people? eh for some presentation first semest.

28. Do you have a lot of winter coats? like 5 or 6

29. What was the weather like on your Birthday? i don't know. probably snowy.

30. Do you sleep with the door to your room open or closed? open

Is your hair up? for sure

Is your phone right beside you? no its on my bed

Do you have a bf/ gf? no

Do you wish you were somewhere else? definitely. almost anywhere. except like russian tundra.

Do you have plans for tonight? audition for vagina monologues

Are you wearing makeup? def not

Are you wearing chapstick? unfortunately no

Are you cold? noo

Are you tired? always

Are you excited? no

Are you watching t.v.? no. there isnt anything on the 4 channels we get.

Are you wearing pajamas? no

Who's the last person you IMed? Gio

Who's the last person that called you? Cyndi

PAST

Anything you regret? ugh yes

Ever lied? definitely

Ever stuck gum under a desk? yeah but i hate it

Ever spit at someone? i dont think so. maybe jeanae in like 7th grade

Ever kick something living? not like a dog or anything.

Ever had your nails done? yes

Ever thrown up because you cried so hard? don't think so

REVEAL A LITTLE ABOUT YOURSELF:

LAST WEEK

Had any plans last week? surprisingly yes

Who did you see most last week? courtney

Was last week interesting? to say the least yes

TODAY

Have you cussed? no! yay!

Have you yelled at someone? no. i dont really come in contact with people.

Have you gotten mad at someone? nah

Have you called more than 3 people? no way

Have you IMed more than 3 people? nope

Have you eaten anything gross? eh the south beach diet bar wasnt the greatest.

SPILL YOUR GUTS

Q. First thing you did this morning? turned off my alarm and put in my contacts

Q. Last thing you ate? a dove chocolate

Q. What's something you look forward to most in the next 6 weeks? interim break!

Q. What's annoying you right now? my lame class

Q. What's the last movie you saw? Night at the Museum

Q. Do you believe in long distance relationships? i believe in their existence, i dont know if im ready for one.

Q Where is the last place you went? the gym

Q: Who is the last person you called? ryan

Q: Do you think that someone is thinking about you right now? probably not

Q: Choose one to have (love, beauty, creativity): love

Q: Do you wish on stars? not really

Q: Does it work? definitely not

Q: Do you untie your shoes every time you take them off? no, in fact i dont even know if i remember how to tie shoes.

Q: When did you last cry? new years day.

Q: Do you like your handwriting? not lately.

Q: Are you a friendly person? sometimes but its usually fake.

Q: Are you keeping a secret from the world? haha no

Q: Who's bed did you sleep in last night? mine

Q: What color shirt are you wearing? used to be white, now kind of just dinge color

Q: Do you have any pets? baby ix who i miss and some fish

Q: What is the color of your bedsheets? orange tie dye

Q: What were you doing at 9 last night? watching TV

Q: last person you talked to: court

Q: When is the last time you saw your dad? 2 days ago

Q: Look to your left: bag of dove chocolate and stolaf course catalog and birth control

Q: Ever cried yourself to sleep? yes

Q: Ever cried on your friends shoulder? yes

Q: Are you a normally happy person? id have to go with no.

Q: Is your self-esteem low or high? llooowww

Q: What color are your eyes? blue

Q: Long or Short Hair: long fo real

Q: Current Music? early november- 1000 times a day.

my name is audrey and im a binge eater.

i dont know if this is a problem, but it feels like one.

Its been a long december, but there's reason to believe that maybe this year will be better than the last.

its all a lot of oysters but no pearl.


i think i need to change my major.

Happy 7 Year Anniversary, Chris!

I understand absolutely nothing in my chem class. It should be an interesting month. Now i plan to nap all day and maybe go work out. sweet life.

"I'm the one for you cause I know all the dirty things you like to do
I'm the fear in your eyes
I'm the fire in your thighs
I'm the sound that's buzzing around your head."
-third eye blind

the early november- 1000 times a day

pretty great.

I would rather clean out 30 dog cages full of shit than clean out 1 more fridge covered in mold.

my new bodywash smells like raw fish. and i already threw away the old stuff.

i already have a rather large chem assignment for tomorrow.

and i'm a small mouth bass.

can life get better? i submit that it CANNOT!

I dont know how much clearer i can be: i don't give a shit about recycling. GET OVER IT!

also- i hate st. olaf.

also- last week courtney and i threw garbage out the car window!

HAHAHAH! SEE YOU IN HELL ENVIRONMENTAL WARRIOR WOMAN!

It really sucks when you think someone feels a certain way about you and you start to feel confident and happy and then it all just gets shot to hell because its relaly not like that at all.

"It is thus, if there is any rule, that we ought to die--neither as victim nor as fanatic, but as the seafarer who can greet with an equal eye the deep that he is entering, and the shore that he must leave."
E.M. Forster

i'm depressed. i just wish people would tell me how they feel for once.

staying here tonight and waiting to go back to school in the morning was pointless.

what a mistake.

ugh

happy new year

and i am a binge drinker

i also fell on my amp and have a huge bruise on my leg. and bruises and cuts everywhere else. i am a mess.

i need to learn portion control

2006 sucked. Gwen Stefani rocks.

new years resolution: stop swearing.

I hate to say it but A Lot Like Love is a cute movie.

i hate all my clothes. more like just my shirts. or lack there of. thereof? there of?

"and if you want me, you better speak up; i wont wait. so you better move fast." rilo kiley

i wish i was taking cooler classes second semester. i hope i can pass calc. seriously.

"You don't do ass to mouth."

i have this reallly sick picture on my desk from sophomore year of court me tray and jeanine. its very strange that its still up. i also have a picture of meholding jeremy archibalds dog. which might even be weirder.

i can't stop spending money. ive already spent almost all my designated "january" money. im pretty stoked for new years. not stoked that my dress makes my boobs look small. ohhhh well. Elias from clerks 2 is a great character.

i miss when axle was a tiny weird looking puppy. im sick of all my books and need new ones.

am i the only one in the world who really wants to see WE ARE MARSHALL???? ohhhh my life as a sports drama junkie.

wow im going back to school in like 2 days. this blows.

let it be known that on december 28th-29th i had fun.


im having fun.


finally fun.

NO THE SWEETNESS WILL NOT BE CONCERNED WITH ME.

my room is a messssssssssssssssssssssssss. and my computer is slooow

"Oh Jenny!"

"Axle! Axle! Axle! Axle! Axle!"
"Ty, stop yelling at axle."
"Axle!"

I love nights that end up with me and court spooning. preceeded by visiting the home alone house and wishing i was really rich.

I love jimmy eat world and brand new and blink 182. i could go for some left over pizza right now.


"I won't play your hide and seek games."

STOP GETTING DARK OUT AT 4 PM!!!! i really love the cosgriffs.

i have also stopped swearing. or at least im trying not to say "as fuck" about everything or anything. its really hard.

"I'm goin to Iowa."

so my dress for new years makes my boobs look small. but i dont really care because im so tired of dress shopping.

off to the mall today with court for another shopping adventure.

my stomach keeps making weird gurgling noises.

i love village tavern.

merry christmas, baby.

i hope courtney got the friends series boxed set. and i cant wait to go shopping. also there are a lot of january birthdays that i need to buy for. why couldnt we have spread the births out a little bit across the months? there are like 10,000 in january. whatev.

axle actually wants to be pet right now. shocking.

my family is watching Mosquito Man, which was a cheap pre-viewed dvd at blockbuster that i bought eric as a stocking stuffer, which was a mistake.

my newly aquired dvds include: Shes The Man, Pirates 2, COol Runnings, The Devil Wears Prada and ANimals are Beautiful People. ahahaha sweeet.

we will be leaving indiana tomorrow morning, if anyones up for a hangout, let me know. i think saying this is funny because the only person who reads this and would actually hang out with me is court. so court ill call you tomorrow. i got you this other sweet thing too.

hahahhahah

its 1130 and we haven't left yet. this is good because i really think my dad still would have been drunk at the intended departure time of 630.

merry christmas eve eve!

"why must you try to ruin my peace of mind?
and they were only words and i never meant them
i never loved you
even in my weakness
you were fuel for the fire - cannon fodder"
rilo kiley

in a few short hours we will be on our way to indiana. this will be an interesting trip starting at 630 in the morning. i kind of want my mom to open her portable dvd player present early so we can watch it in the car. is that selfish? yes. i'm dead tired and probably won't update until the 26th at the earliest.

merry christmas.


snakes on a friends complete series boxed set.

i love when courtney talks to me about her jealousy. this makes me feel better about the years i spent as a psychotic jealous girlfriend. i mean courts not psychotic, not even close to as bad as i have been, but just knowing that im not the only one who gets jealous makes me feel more at ease with myself.

tonight is the neighborhood christmas party. i need to get out of this house. or get completely trashed. but i think ill just get out.

this is one of those nights where friends other than courtney would be nice to have. kyle's mom is here. maybe kyle wants to hang out with me.... HAHAHAHhahahahHAha. ugh. life.

i feel like im on a fucking dial-up connection.

there are at least a thousand viruses on this computer. probably like 6 trojan horses.

snakes on a dell! get me a mac.

everyone is getting married. well not really but maybe ill have more luck in that area since im not going to vet school. but for some reason i dont think that is the determining factor, or even a factor at all.

damnit another ear infection. i swear this is just spontaneous regeneration.

Today i decided that im not going to hate the whole country of japan because of keiko, because im just mature and shit. so i will no longer be denouncing sushi or gwen stefanis harajuku girls or whatever.

give it to the world: peace love and GAP.

shit. almost 10 days. i just don't turn my computer on at home. because its slow as fuck and my laptop is still broken.

so far i have loved this break. and the presents from courtney and greg. and courtney and greg in general. they are really the only people ive seen and im completely okay with that. i would like to see gio and charlie sometime soon though.

I also really love the new brand new. hell i love all brand new.

In january im going to try to start doing better in school.

This is going to be a rainy christmas. I want to go to a park and swing. another great song is brick by ben folds five. but more importantly, back to the brand new...

"I used to be such a burning example, I used to be so original. I used to care, I was being cared for. Made sure I showed it to those that I love. I used to sleep without a single stir, 'Cause I was about my father's work. Well take me out tonight, The ship of fools I'm on will sink. A millstone around my neck, Be my breath, there's nothing I wouldn't give. I used to pray a God was listening. I used to make my parents proud. I was the glue that kept my friends together, Now they don't talk and we don't go out. I used to know the name of every person I kissed. Now I made this bed and I can't fall asleep in it."
brand new-millstone

i'm really sad right now, today, this week, this month, this year.

i'm so tired of trying to figure everything/anything out.

i will never understand chemistry or guys.

so sorry to annoy you. but you really don't get it.

and now it has ended before it even had a chance to start. and im tired of letting you make me feel bad about myself.

i will never meet your expectations or anyone else's.

seeing as hindsight is in fact 20/20, i have realized that choosing a school with religion class requirements might not have been a good idea.

on the bright side, before 9 AM tomorrow i have to read ecclesiastes, esther, daniel, and jeremiah.

the easiest way to break someones spirit is to criticize their writing style. when i was home for thanksgiving E was writing a Catcher in the Rye paper and so i printed mine out from junior year so he could compare it. its kind of upsetting when you realize your ability to write has done nothing but decline since high school. ugh now i have nothing but mediocrity. i think i would like to rewind to senior year and do things differently. maybe i should have just gone to colorado state. probably.

i bought a lisa loeb cd yesterday on itunes. im kind of excited to go home for break and then for E to visit over interim. im also excited to go to portland over interim break but not nearly as excited as i am to go to BUENOS AIRES, ARGENTINA for spring break!

one thing i hate about myself is my inability to take tests, or rather my inability to do well on tests. i mean even if i did study, which i dont, i still wouldnt do well. thats why ive given up. ive lost all hope. finals are a dreary dreary time for me. i mean i guess they are for everyone. i think the one big thing thats changed about my writing is the fact that now i write like i talk and before i wrote much more formally. even on this thing i was all poetic and shit. now im just like yeah whateva.

ahhhhh. get me to chicago. or actually just get me to schaumburg. i dont really care if i see the city at all over break. I LOVE ILLINOIS.

i do nothing but waste time. waste waste waste waste. i am a huge mother fucking waste.

i want to go home. if this were last year, i would have been on a flight today.

instead its this year and i dont have a 7 hour car ride ALONE until next monday.

but i do like to waste time. waste waste waste.

spider solitaire is melting my brain.

ill write a haiku:

I need to go to the gym
because i am fat
but i am also tired

my dog is cuter than you
and he's nicer too
my precious little airedale

i wish scrubs was like real life
cause i like J.D.
but i like Dr. Cox too.

i'm so sick of guys. im so sick your excuses. maybe ill see you at our 10 year high school reunion. maybe seeing you then wont be RUSHING it.


When I'm done with thinking,
then I'm done with you
When I'm done with crying,
then I'm done with you
When I feel so tired,
then I'm done with you

Everybody feels this way sometimes,
everybody feels this way.
And I do.
You can't hear it, but I do.
You can't hear it, but I do.

You're trying to convince me,
that what I've done's not right
I get so frustrated,
I stay up every night.

You ask me for an answer,
and I'm so tired and I'm up in the air (I'm up in the air)
You know everybody feels this way sometimes,
everybody feels this way

And I do.
You can't hear it but I do
You can't hear it, but I'm feeling this way just because you say

I will be ignored
And I will be denied
And I could be erased
I could be brushed aside
And I will get scared,
And I will get shoved down
but I feel like I do because you push me around.

I'm starting to ignore you,
I doubted you so long,
I'm tired of over-thinkin,
I know you don't belong
Now I'm asking questions,
No one pushes me around,
Everybody feels this ways sometimes,
Everybody feels this way

i'm really not surprised that steve lied about sarah and gagan saying ronny hated me. becaues steve tends to lie about a lot of things, like going to the Masters. it really says a lot about a person when they will go to such lengths to lie to someone they "love" about something really really really important to that someone.

now i mean i've never hated sarah or gagan and when i thought they had actually said that, i wasnt mad or hateful but i was confused hurt and caught off gaurd. now i am just mad. and im just mad at steve.

I should have known after he completely FABRICATED the elaborate weekend spent at the masters (including players he saw and merchandise he bought) that something was not quite right and maybe i shouldnt view him as a reliable source of information.

sorry if this hurts, but you hurt me more. i mean was it another plan to keep me all to yourself? did you think well sarahs not coming back around to me anytime soon but what if gagan tries to hangout with me, oh no! you better thwart those plans asap. ronny dies and you try to turn me against him. thats so sweet.

you are the platonic form of "liar"

i used to be poetic but now i'm just tired.

i will now take a few moments to reflect on 2006 (in an obnoxious passive voice)...

the major themes of 2006 were death, dying, and bereavement.
relationships were started and some were ended.
schools and lives changed.
weed was smoked and alcohol was consumed.
a new era of college searching began.
dreams were realized and euthanized.
weight was gained and then eventually lost.
woodfield was frequented more than church.
naps were taken and classes were skipped.
montreal, torono, boston, baltimore and mississippi were visited.
halloween was spent with my one and only.
best friend stayed best friend and will stay forever.
job at animal shelter was obtained and then lost.



i still love axle, miss lily, think about harrison, and dream about courtney!

Is it possible for people here to talk about anything other than how amazingly brilliant they are? No, no its not.

some songs make me think of ronny and i dont know why.


one of these songs is Rilo Kiley- Pictures of Success

Izzie: Take off your pants

Alex: You realize when I said the apocalypse I meant it metaphorically, not literally.

Izzie: I haven't had sex in eight months and twelve days. I'm horny, I'm half-naked, and I'm saying yes. Do you want to stand there and talk metaphors or do you want to literally take off your pants?

ouch that hurt.

only courtney understands how i feel. ohhhhhhhh woe is me.

today i had the most unsatisfying and realistic dream to date. well there were parts that were not realistic but the unsatisfying part certainly was. just shoot me. merry fucking christmas. i also wrote ryan a letter, well 2 sentences, that i will never send. and i cant wait for new years.

"Such a pretty picture that you paint: I'm so vile while you're a saint"



i tried to watch the OC tonight but im pretty sure that show is a lost cause for me, i had absolutely no idea what was going on and thought about calling courtney to fill me in but i decided that would probably be annoying.

I'm going to list my planned out schedule for the rest of college!



fall 2007 :

• Bio 233 (Genetics)
  
• Bio 243 or 243 (Human Anat. phys. or Animal phys.
  
• Spanish 232
  
• History 272 (Women in America) OR History 320 (Modern Europe)
  
• Peac 126 (Scuba Diving)
  
  

Interim 2008:

• Theater 115: Acting for non-majors OR Econ 121 (macro and micro)
  

Spring 2008:

Environmental Science in Australia

• Bio 224 (Marine Biology
  
• Bio 226 (Terrestrial Ecology)
  
• Anthro 222 (Cultural)
  
• Psci 221 (Environmental Policy
  

Fall 2008:

• Bio 386 (Animal Behavior)
  
• Psci 270 (Family Values)
  
• English 222 (Lit. in England 1650-1850) OR History 375 (Contemporary America)
  
• Econ 245 (Health Care Economics)
  
• Art 116 (Foundation Ceramics)
  
  

Interim 2009:

• Bio 287 (Island Biology in the Bahamas: Abroad)
  
  

Spring 2009:

• Stats 212 (Statistics for Science Majors)
  
• Religion 209 (Intro Feminist Theology)
  
• Mgmt 251 (Management)
  
• Bio 382 (Immunology) OR History 370 (19th Century US Social Hst)

Well that was a huge waste of time but i dont feel as bad as i would have if i had just watched TV all this time.

I cant wait to buy formal dresses with courtney for the black tie party.

i also cant wait for my new years kiss with courtney... and axle. and probably all my drunk neighbors. sweeeet

this campus is really creepy at night.

i'm so tired and i never want to mate flies again. i dont care about whether stupid dumpy wings is a sex-linked trait. its not, in case youre wondering.
everyone is busy and i just want a shower.

Courtney and I are baking for Joe. or rather I am helping Courtney bake something for Joe. Either way, i'm excited. Im also excited for new years and i hope i get to spend that with courtney too.

My parents are having a party and my mom was all upset because she didnt get to dress up to go to any fancy christmas parties this year and i said she should make the neighborhood new years party a black tie event. I kind of hope she does that because i would like to buy a new dress.

today my mom was supposed to call this breeder about the puppy we are getting for my grandpa and then she was supposed to call me and tell me how it went and i just now realized she didnt. since its 1AM it probably wouldnt be a good idea to try to call her now, and im annoyed. I know courtney hates designer dogs but this one i have a feeling is going to be sooooo cute. plus i never claimed to hate paris hilton dogs and this isnt a chihuahua its a bichon-poo.... which is much more respectable.

I also just looked this over and realized that i talk about courtney as though she were my lover. hahahaha but hey whatever.

everything you write is so full of hate, i'm still amazed.

thank you for blocking me/deleting me on facebook. i hope that helps you.

que sera, sera.

I Love Gio!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

this just in: chocolate covered pretzels are much better than regular pretzels. i actually think thats been in for a while. i got a cute kleenex box today. i need to do laundry but alas, i will not.


i plan to spend the spring semester of 2008 in Australia. don't bother telling me how sweet that is, i ALREADY KNOW. This is a realistic endeavor because i have already started the application process.


and now i am getting sick from dinner, im absolutely shocked about this.


I MISS MY DOG!!!!!

You are the biggest hypocrite i know. If noone else can say it to you, I can. Your passive aggressiveness makes me sick.



on a completely different note...

"It was still packed, even at four in the morning, and it was full of my least favorite people: fucking art students. I mean, Jess had already warned us, but it still came as a shock. All those woolly hats, and mustaches with parts of them missing, all those tattoos and plastic shoes... i mean, I'm a liberal guy, and i didnt want Bush to bomb Iraq, and I like to toke as much as the next guy, but these people still fill my heart with fear and loathing, mostly because i know they wouldnt have liked my band. When we played a college town, and we walked out in front of a crowd like this, i knew we were going to have a hard time. They don't like real music, these people. They don't like the Ramones or the Tempations or the 'Mats; they like DJ Bleepy and his stupid fucking bleeps. Or else they pretend that they're fucking ganstas, and listen to hip-hop about hos and guns."

-Nick Hornby

"I'd be paralyzed if i ran into you." Last night i thought i saw harrison at christmas fest and it was the weirdest thing. of course it wasnt him, why would it be? it was still a very strange experience and i feel obligated to record it. I'm going home for break in 15 days. If i went to a normal school with normal breaks i would be going home in like 10. I wish i did mostly because id get a drive home with court again and i really love those.



Whats it been over a decade?

it smarts like it was 4 minutes ago

we only influenced eachother totally

we only bruised eachother even more so



what are you my blood?

you touch me lik eyou are my blood

what are you my dad?

you affect me like you are my dad



how long can a girl be shackled to you?

how long before my dignity is reclaimed?

and how long can a girl stay haunted by you?

soon i'll grow up and i wont even flinch at your name

Courtney mentioned in her most recent post that she thinks she and i could hold a 2 hour long conversation on the phone if we tried. i agree. i think i could talk almost nonstop for at least 5 hours. i mean i have the way home from school with her before. I think my inability to stop talking has actually made a lot of could-be-awkward interactions much less awkward because i always have something to say to keep the conversation going.

my mom should be here in about 15 minutes, which is pretty sweet. i hope we go to MOA.

Also- i'm no longer pre-vet and i've decided to go into public health or animal policy (after grad school of course)


Right now my favorite schools are Tufts, BU, and NYU. This is probably subject to change


why am i doing this you might ask? well really i want to spend a semester in australia and i also dont want to go through the rest of my undergraduate career worrying about failing some chemistry class, which is what i would do if i stuck with this pre-vet thing. now i can go abroad and take classes that i can actually pass!

christmas movies annoy me. unless its a christmas story in which case it doesnt annoy me. and i want a leg lamp.



miracle on 34th st is not my cup of tea. Stick to the dinasours John Hammond, Santa isnt yo thang.



A Long Way Down by Nick Hornby is really good. and i just almost typed nick horny. what does that tell you about my sex life?

I just painted my nails "green tea"




I also stopped being prevet, and then replanned the rest of my undergraduate career




I feel less like jumping out a window now, which i think is good.




We're getting my grandpa a puppy for christmas and it gets to live with us for 2 weeks first, i think this can only lead to extreme attachment. i think its going to be a cockapoo or a yorkie bichon. one of those pansy ass designer dogs that everyone secretly thinks is really adorable.




Courtney thinks her teeth moved from one specific incident with a pen cap. this is not true, but until she gets her retainer she will believe it is.




It looks like santa threw up in our room. thanks bri.

I also didnt mention that Ronny died. well, Ronny died. And i'm still upset about it and it still bothers me and i still think about it everyday. I don't think this is wrong or unusual. Its not like im still in complete mourning, i just dont think its something that goes away overnight.




Even though Gagan and Sarah insisted to steve that ronny didnt even like me, I know that its not true because i know they don't really know anything. The truth is no one really knew anything or maybe we could have done something. I mean maybe we couldnt, but the point is people shouldnt say that their dead friend didnt like his friends because it doesn't do anything but just hurt people.




this was a really lame and elementary post. i don't care.




I'm back with avengence.

After looking at my post i realize why i got so pissed at this thing and it was because i couldnt separate the things i wanted to say. i couldnt hit enter and actually have it work...

that became really annoying. but probably just for me because im my only reader.






Since i last wrote on here my grandma died of cancer, i broke up with steve, i transferred to a new school, and then switched roommates because mine was a huge (literally) bitch. Its been quite a transition.

I am bringing this blog back from the dead i kid you not.

for the last... i dont know... really long time, i have been on somewhat of a hiatus with thechoke and have either forgotten to write or just had nothing poignant or beautiful to say. this is going to stop here. I am going to come out of this hiatus with a new connection to my blog and i will not disappoint my thousands of fans like blink 182 did when they decided just to break up after theirs.

Northfield, Minnesota is one of the most boring places on earth.
The town slogan is "Colleges, Cows and Contentment."

Need i say more?


I plan to actually write in this regularly from here on out. i thought about trying to get it published but then i realized that
a) no one would read it and more importantly
b) there is so much copywrite infringement all over the place with my unnamed artists and authors scattered throughout that i would never want to take the time to actually go through it and give all those people the proper credit needed for publishing.


I hate when you think of really clever things in the shower and then when you finally get dressed and back to the computer, you cant remember any of it. thats how i feel right now. i had a thousand really funny things to write on this that i thought of in the shower and of course i cant remember a damn one of them. (except the blink 182-hiatus thing, i did remember that from the shower).

Its only been a few days but i can feel it falling apart. I saw you and sarah and joe driving today. I dont think you noticed me. Then i called you later but you didnt answer. I saw your mom and patrick at dairy queen last night. I wish i could explain to you how shitty this all makes me feel. and how shitty i feel that you don't even notice.

I'm frustrated. I don't understand what I'm doing wrong. Why don't you ever ask me to hang out with you and joe but you ask sarah to right in front of me. Its like you can never spend more than half an hour with me at a time. I hate to say it, but its sounding more than a little familiar to the way keiko used to act. I mean you're my best friend but I feel like I'm gradually drifting farther away from being yours. I've tried to confront you about it but i don't know if it makes any sense to you. But really thats all i can do. Now i will just sit back. I'm not sure if you will read this but its more for me anyway. I'm not going to stop calling you and i dont really want to know what would happen if i did. I just hope this isnt permanent and eventually we'll go back to being inseperable again but unfortunately i have a feeling that isn't exactly in the cards for us. Now all i can do is sit back and wait and hope.

Your love is thick and it swallowed me whole. You're so much braver than i ggive you credit for. Thats not lip service. Youve already won me over inspite of me. and dont be alarmed if i fall head over feet.



I keep listening to ben folds and thinking about the rest of my life and how its going to end up. I don't know who I'm going to end up with. Have i met the person i'm going to marry? Has every action i've taken thus far only led me further towards my ultimate destiny? I can't help but question everything i know. I'm not that far away from getting married and having kids buying cars and houses and starting a career. granted, i'm only 19 but thats still 19. less than one year away from 20. Is there a such thing as fate?



I love you more than i have ever found a way to say to you.




So it is just like you said it would be. Life goes easy on me, most of the time. And so it is, the shorter stories, no love no glory no hero in her skies. I can't take my eyes off of you. I can't take my eyes off of you.


So it is just like you said it should be. We'll both forget the breeze, most of the time. and so it is, the colder water the blower's daughter.





I'm confused and lately questioning everything. How much has this one decision to go to minnesota instead of maryland impacted the rest of my life?

I've got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one.


Long time, no update. I'm transfering to st olaf. I'm also getting a car. These should be exciting things. I'm hungry. This summer i will hang out with courtney all the time. Lily is also coming to visit. I am excited for these things.

I'm thirsty and i want to buy some beverages from the bookstore but i dont want to walk down there. I want lily to get done with her stupid logic test so she can hang out with me.

de·pres·sion n. A psychiatric disorder characterized by an inability to concentrate, insomnia, loss of appetite, anhedonia, feelings of extreme sadness, guilt, helplessness and hopelessness, and thoughts of death. Also called clinical depression

I am falling. why? HOW? i don't know. But you're not here to catch me.




Can't we make it work? Can't it somehow work? Will it EVER work? How did it take me so long to realize what's been right in front of me all along? 10 years. I'm still here. Now i get it. Am i too late?




This distance is killing me.

I love you however, you hold me down.



MONTREAL HERE WE COME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

these grass stains on my knees they won't mean a thing.

cut me open. sun poisoned. this offer stands forever. new haircut. new bracelet. eyeliner. wait forever.

There'd be no distance that could hold us back.






So this is the new year?

You're the echoes of my everything,

You're the emptiness the whole world sings at night.

You're the laziness of afternoon,

You're the reason why I burst and why I bloomed..

You're the leaky sink of sentiment,

You're the failed attempts I never could forget.

You're the metaphors I can't create to comprehend this curse that I call love..

you'll be mine again in the summer. always in the summer.

I cant move on because i cant stop thinking about everything else. My past is enveloping my future.

Maybe i just set aside the fact that you were broken hearted, in my own special selfish way. and if i hadn't set aside the fact that you were broken hearted, hell knows where your heart could be today, maybe with me.

Its weird to think that its really over. I can honestly say i didnt really see this coming. I guess i probably should have. And if its whats best then why do i feel so sad?

So happy valentine's day. i hope the sun's out in new york.

I hate valentine's day.

The problem i am dealing with right now is being okay with who i am and being happy. is anyone ever happy with who they turn out to be? is anyone ever happy? If 5 years of therapy can't make me like myself, then what possibly could?

Light that smoke, yeah one for giving up on me.




Nice eyeliner. I guess you're still not done trying to be someone youre not.

I ripped up all the memories. There are no pictures left to burn goodbye to. I know about everything that you try to cover up so as not to hurt my feelings. "when two people love eachother but they just cant get it together, when do you get to the point where enough is enough?" I guess the real answer is January 8th 2006.

dear [steve],



we learned so much. I realize we won't be able to talk for some time. and i understand that as i do you. the long distance thing was the hardest and we did as well as we could. we were together during a very tumultous time in our lives. i will always have your back and be curious about you; about your career, your whereabouts.

Someday we will be able to relate to Gwen Stefani- Cool. Someday. And i don't hate you.

you're stealing my best friend more everyday and i hate you for it.

I can be as mean as you but that wouldn't do any good. I don't care anymore about this stupid fight you won't give up. You can continue to talk all the shit you want, it only makes me realize further that i did the right thing. Everyone makes decisions everyday that end up being life-altering. this is one of those decisions. I don't regret anything. I'm done with the stage in my life where i date boys like my dad. My dad is getting over being an asshole and maybe you should too. I don't know why it always turns into a fight. Why you always have to dig down to find some reason to be malicious. What are you trying to prove? Saying you're not who i thought you were would be a lie because I've always known exactly what you are. And finally, in the immaculate words of Snake River Conspiracy, "You've managed to convince yourself but I don't think you can manage me."

The thing is, you keep kissing other girls and i keep finding out. I'm not seraching for reasons to hate you, you're just throwing them out there yourself. Maybe next time you should try thinking first before you act. It would probably be the first time in your life. I'm sick of you and all your "changes."

it has recently come to my attention that it is impossible to change someone. i knew this before. right now its time for me to start taking responsibility for myself and my emotions. its not really possible for someone else to "make me sad" or make me feel anything. i'm the one who is in control of how i feel and other people can't manipulate me. it comes down to my issues and my feelings and my neediness and i need to awknowledge that rather than just leave this big empty space in my heart for someone else to attempt to fill. Its impossible to be happy with someone else if you can't first be happy with yourself. I get that now. I understand that me being unable to let go is due to my intense fear of rejection. But just because i understand that doesn't mean i can make myself feel differently. Everything takes so long. When trying to fill these ceaseless voids, its not logical to assume it will happen overnight. nothing happens over night. people constantly revert to bad habits without even realizing it. There was a time when i wasn't quite really to get off the tumultuous ride of unhealthy relationships. There were actually many times when i just needed to go around one more time. there was always a need to prove it didnt work out one more time. well the one more times have turned into years and the years have left me wondering if now i am really ready to break bad habits and let go of the safety bar of bad conscience and neediness and actually get out of the car. Ive warn the tracks down so far its hard to even think about going for one more ride without crashing and burning in a firey wreck. I need to step onto the ramp. I need to get out. I need to get back on my feet. its a step that i haven't been able to complete for years. there are moments in my life when i am overcome by the feeling of finally doing the right thing. though these are few and far between, it is still in these brief glimpses of light at the end of the tunnel that i have some (though substantially not much) faith in my future. Maybe i will start living for me this time. Maybe i'm really ready to give up this constant co-dependency. Maybe there is a reason that i am in this place right now. Maybe we are all where we are supposed to be and that is all we can ask of ourselves. I'm ready to start believing that there is more to life than abusive and unhealthy relationships and friendships full of deceit, betrayal, and deception. There is a glimmer of hope; a silver lining that i failed to see for so long. Maybe nothing gold can stay and that's the point. Its not about forever really. Maybe gold is nature's hardest hue to hold, but that doesn't mean the other colors don't provide something. Maybe the gold is there to tell us that everything is cyclical. Even if life isn't working right now, it eventually will be okay. Because the changing seasons always lead back to fall and the gold is a prevailing constant of autumn. Maybe nothing gold can stay, its true, but maybe nothing gold can really ever leave either. I'm still light years away from knowing who i am and what i'm supposed to be doing in this life. I know i will never have all the answers because they don't really exist. Is everything just haphazardly and chaotically happening around us and to us everyday? are we just atoms randomly running into eachother. I don't know if anyone will ever be able to say with certainty if everything is connected or random. Opinions are like assholes, everybody has one. Right now im okay with just being who i am where i am.

I was going to just write a post about fate. And i had about a paragraph done when i realized i wasnt really in the mood to write about fate. Instead i would like to say Mazeltov to high school realationships. the good, the bad, and the ugly all deserve a bit of thanks and appreciation. without these relationships there is no way i would be the well adjusted almost 19 year old typing this right now.
From day one there were lessons to be learned and there was much room to grow. I never really saw myself as the wise-beyond-my-years type, and it would be wrong to say i do now. I just can tell that upon reflection, my high school relationships were each experiences that needed to be had in order to grow up. It is true to say i didnt always take the most direct route to emotional growth and maturity, but the road less traveled may have helped more than hindered in the long run. Ive also realized its impossible to do everything right on your own. the subjective opinion and view of the self is much less approachable than the objective outsiders ideas. that being said, it makes sense why everyone always feels compelled to talk about everything else. Gory and unnecessary details run rampant in the whispering voices of high school hall ways. For my own benefit, i'm now going to try to sum up what every major high school relationship taught me.



From Greg i learned that i needed to have self-confidence in order to allow myself to feel anything other than pain and anxiety in a relationship.


From Carter i learned that i'll never be able to think as abstractly or deeply as i think i can.


From Steve i learned how to trust, to forgive, and to understand my need to learn how to be myself without a relationship. or at least without such a demanding relationship.




The moral is that high school relationships suck you dry but they are a necessary evil in growing up. In a few years ill be able to look back at the nights i spent crying and laugh because it just doesn't matter like it used to. I understand that i've only been at school for a semester so how could i have such a definite opinion? but ive been collecting and developing these opinions for years even when i was physically in high school and mentally trying hard as hell to escape. There is no easy way out. and the only way to finally get to the person you are always trying to be is to follow the scenic route. Short cuts don't really exist in the game of life. Its not possible to just skip certain steps. In the end, every experience means something- whether it is good or bad. adolescence teaches us what we need to know in order to successfully function in society as adults. everyone is always in a constant war with themselves over how much of themselves to give and how much to keep. Its a futile battle of chance and it only ends when one person meets someone else who can talk about the things that no one ever would and understand how much to give without having to think.

the human heart endures and that is all that i can really be certain about at this point in my life.

If there's one thing that depresses me more than anything else, its getting ditched, or completely blown off. Its just so useless. If someone doesn't want to hangout, why cant they just flat out tell me instead of all this maybe this maybe that bullshit. Im not going to cry over it. I just dont understand why people do all the maybe this bullshit and then it obviously (and always) ends up being no. I'm listening to bright eyes and feeling sorry for myself and this is the only place i can really vent because i know no one actually reads it. if i say shit on my stupid livejournal i know people won't get it or wont empathize.


Its hard for me to know exactly what i'm feeling right now. I think the christmas spirit is fucking with my heart. Actually, i know it is. I was all good to go until today and for some reason i've just felt depressed since 5 pm. i'm confused. "if you love something give it away."




So what am i thinking? im thinking im never going to find the right person. because with the right person, i dont fight, i dont argue, i dont get annoyed, i dont get annoying, i dont get worried, and i can trust. these things havent all come in the same package yet. Maybe that doesn't really exist. Of course i've been thinking about harrison since i found these old pictures. i dont think theres ever a point to thinking about him. theres never a question that needs an answer or a problem that needs to be solved. then i think about steve and the track ive dug in my mind from running in circles.




I've come to accept that it just never really works out the way you want it to. Even if you don't think you like someone that much, it still hurts to be unwanted. whatever im not even trying to feel sorry for myself. im just reflecting on why shit bothers me the way it does. not like i really need an excuse or explanation for myself. tomorrow i just want to go downtown with courtney and forget about getting ditched and forget about the feelings i try to make myself feel or try to deny i do actually feel. i want to forget about going to school and and everything standing in my way. i don't want to think about the rest of my life being worse than my life so far. i dont want to think about the fact that i go through friends like water. i just want to forget that i can't buy my friends with christmas presents and more gifts wont make them stay. i dont want to feel vulnerable or depressed or dependent. i want to appreciate everything i experience so why is it so hard for me to do that? why cant i? i dont think i'll ever be done wondering why its so hard for me to be happy.




Maybe we like the pain. Maybe we're wired that way. Because without it, I don't know; maybe we just wouldn't feel real. What's that saying? Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop.

Step outside and listen.
As you cut through the tension,
the world is crumbling down around you-it's found you.

When you woke up yesterday,
there was nothing left for me to say to you
because you wanted me to be true.

When all you feel is pain,
and somehow things have changed I'll be coming home to you.
When I forgot to call,
you knew it all,
it was coming down on you.

Will you still be waiting,
that's something I can't ask you to be.
Will you be still waiting for me?
I'm waiting for you and something is wrong,
but I just can't put my finger on it.

You never listened and you'll never listen now,
you know what I'm about,
but is that sufficient?
Do you hear the words I say?
It hurts when you talk that way.

You say you'll listen cause you'd like to live together lives...
How can you say that I'm supposed to stay when you talk on to me that way?
Oh come on.
I can't see what's supposed to be,
but if you trust me it might turn ok.
What are you gonna say?

ps. thanks for blocking me.

remember when your grandpa died and i wanted to go to the funeral or wake and you said you didnt want any of your friends there. Then matt called while i was at your house and you gave him directions?


Do you remember that? Because i remembered that last night and realized no one who really loves me would ever do that to me.

So next time you're wondering why i wont give you another chance, you can remember that.

I'm so pissed off and sad. You make me so upset and i don't even know what it is. Just talking to you gets me really upset. and i should be studying for a test i have tomorrow morning but now i cant because i cant stop thinking and being upset. god you dont get it. you cant just have everything your way.

today i studied.

I like Rilo Kiley.

I drank a starbucks double shot and was able to stay awake through history.

I miss soccer. I like to read books. My mom sent me a package and hopefully ill get it tomorrow. Packages on my legs and my arms for you. packages packages packages.

today i dwelled on keiko for at least an hour total if you add all the little comments together. Maybe i should just get over it. What pisses me off is that shes the one who fucked up (literally) and now she doesn't even care about the friendship. like at all. like she has totally moved on completely. and thats a little annoying to me. i considered her my best friend and now what the fuck. whatever. im done with that for the night


In other news: I still cant stand my roommate. and i hate Syracuse just as much as i did the moment i stepped foot on this campus. I'm scared to visit wellesley because i don't want to jynx it. OKay if my roommate wouldn't eat nasty food in my room every god damned day for every goddamned meal maybe things would be different. oh wait no they wouldnt because shes still an idiot.

I need to write to post secret.

I cut my toe today. Its bled through 2 band-aids already.


Don't even get me started on Stephen.



RIP Buckwheat.

"You were right when you said all that glitters isn't gold
You were right when you said all we are is dust in the wind
You were right when you said we're all just bricks in the wall
And when you said manic depression's a frustrated mess"
-built to spill

"this won't work now the way it once did
and I won't keep it up even though I would love to.
once I know who I'm not, then I'll know who I am.
but I know I won't keep on playing the victim."

alanis

"you need to know this even if you dont want to hear it...im sorry for keeping you from the person you wanted to be when you were with me. im sorry for always holding you back. im sorry for never opening my eyes until now. im sorry for not always going to the movies with you. im sorry for not being with you sooner when i was with angela. im sorry for treating you horribly when i was with her. im sorry for sleeping in that one day during the summer of sophomore year. im sorry for not being able to give you the freedom you needed until now. im sorry for making you read this and making you feel bad. im sorry in general for being too late. and i mean everything i just typed. i truly do."


Its okay.

steve you drive me fucking crazy and if you think fucking around with other girls is the way to win my heart, you are in for quite a shock. so go ahead and do whatever you want. i need you to understand us notbeing together has nothing to do with love, because i love you. you know i do. but it can't work with us. its too stressful and its not rewarding to either of us. its draining and hard and we shouldnt be in relationships like that ever, let alone when we're 18. so i;m sorry. i would hate to think of you with someone else and thats what makes this ending so hard. knowing that eventually we will both move on. its hard to imagine right now, but when i do, i get really upset. like when you dated angela. i just about died. i know youll probably mess around with a lot of people to get over me or something liek that. i dont plan on doing that. its not how i deal with my issues. i dont know what to say to you anymore. im crying just thinking about it. its crazy that this is happening but it was bound to happen someday. i know you love me and you always will and i want you to know that i will always love you, and i will carry a piece of you with me forever. i wish you nothing but happiness in the future and i hope you find someone who can give you the relationship that you deserve. you were my best friend for 3 years and ill never forget that. we had a once in a lifetime bond and i know you'll think of me on random days for no apparent reason at all. and i want you to know that i will be doing the same.

all my love
and all my heart
forever yours
audrey

I took a survey but it didnt really fit. so whatever.