it has recently come to my attention that it is impossible to change someone. i knew this before. right now its time for me to start taking responsibility for myself and my emotions. its not really possible for someone else to "make me sad" or make me feel anything. i'm the one who is in control of how i feel and other people can't manipulate me. it comes down to my issues and my feelings and my neediness and i need to awknowledge that rather than just leave this big empty space in my heart for someone else to attempt to fill. Its impossible to be happy with someone else if you can't first be happy with yourself. I get that now. I understand that me being unable to let go is due to my intense fear of rejection. But just because i understand that doesn't mean i can make myself feel differently. Everything takes so long. When trying to fill these ceaseless voids, its not logical to assume it will happen overnight. nothing happens over night. people constantly revert to bad habits without even realizing it. There was a time when i wasn't quite really to get off the tumultuous ride of unhealthy relationships. There were actually many times when i just needed to go around one more time. there was always a need to prove it didnt work out one more time. well the one more times have turned into years and the years have left me wondering if now i am really ready to break bad habits and let go of the safety bar of bad conscience and neediness and actually get out of the car. Ive warn the tracks down so far its hard to even think about going for one more ride without crashing and burning in a firey wreck. I need to step onto the ramp. I need to get out. I need to get back on my feet. its a step that i haven't been able to complete for years. there are moments in my life when i am overcome by the feeling of finally doing the right thing. though these are few and far between, it is still in these brief glimpses of light at the end of the tunnel that i have some (though substantially not much) faith in my future. Maybe i will start living for me this time. Maybe i'm really ready to give up this constant co-dependency. Maybe there is a reason that i am in this place right now. Maybe we are all where we are supposed to be and that is all we can ask of ourselves. I'm ready to start believing that there is more to life than abusive and unhealthy relationships and friendships full of deceit, betrayal, and deception. There is a glimmer of hope; a silver lining that i failed to see for so long. Maybe nothing gold can stay and that's the point. Its not about forever really. Maybe gold is nature's hardest hue to hold, but that doesn't mean the other colors don't provide something. Maybe the gold is there to tell us that everything is cyclical. Even if life isn't working right now, it eventually will be okay. Because the changing seasons always lead back to fall and the gold is a prevailing constant of autumn. Maybe nothing gold can stay, its true, but maybe nothing gold can really ever leave either. I'm still light years away from knowing who i am and what i'm supposed to be doing in this life. I know i will never have all the answers because they don't really exist. Is everything just haphazardly and chaotically happening around us and to us everyday? are we just atoms randomly running into eachother. I don't know if anyone will ever be able to say with certainty if everything is connected or random. Opinions are like assholes, everybody has one. Right now im okay with just being who i am where i am.

I was going to just write a post about fate. And i had about a paragraph done when i realized i wasnt really in the mood to write about fate. Instead i would like to say Mazeltov to high school realationships. the good, the bad, and the ugly all deserve a bit of thanks and appreciation. without these relationships there is no way i would be the well adjusted almost 19 year old typing this right now.
From day one there were lessons to be learned and there was much room to grow. I never really saw myself as the wise-beyond-my-years type, and it would be wrong to say i do now. I just can tell that upon reflection, my high school relationships were each experiences that needed to be had in order to grow up. It is true to say i didnt always take the most direct route to emotional growth and maturity, but the road less traveled may have helped more than hindered in the long run. Ive also realized its impossible to do everything right on your own. the subjective opinion and view of the self is much less approachable than the objective outsiders ideas. that being said, it makes sense why everyone always feels compelled to talk about everything else. Gory and unnecessary details run rampant in the whispering voices of high school hall ways. For my own benefit, i'm now going to try to sum up what every major high school relationship taught me.



From Greg i learned that i needed to have self-confidence in order to allow myself to feel anything other than pain and anxiety in a relationship.


From Carter i learned that i'll never be able to think as abstractly or deeply as i think i can.


From Steve i learned how to trust, to forgive, and to understand my need to learn how to be myself without a relationship. or at least without such a demanding relationship.




The moral is that high school relationships suck you dry but they are a necessary evil in growing up. In a few years ill be able to look back at the nights i spent crying and laugh because it just doesn't matter like it used to. I understand that i've only been at school for a semester so how could i have such a definite opinion? but ive been collecting and developing these opinions for years even when i was physically in high school and mentally trying hard as hell to escape. There is no easy way out. and the only way to finally get to the person you are always trying to be is to follow the scenic route. Short cuts don't really exist in the game of life. Its not possible to just skip certain steps. In the end, every experience means something- whether it is good or bad. adolescence teaches us what we need to know in order to successfully function in society as adults. everyone is always in a constant war with themselves over how much of themselves to give and how much to keep. Its a futile battle of chance and it only ends when one person meets someone else who can talk about the things that no one ever would and understand how much to give without having to think.

the human heart endures and that is all that i can really be certain about at this point in my life.

If there's one thing that depresses me more than anything else, its getting ditched, or completely blown off. Its just so useless. If someone doesn't want to hangout, why cant they just flat out tell me instead of all this maybe this maybe that bullshit. Im not going to cry over it. I just dont understand why people do all the maybe this bullshit and then it obviously (and always) ends up being no. I'm listening to bright eyes and feeling sorry for myself and this is the only place i can really vent because i know no one actually reads it. if i say shit on my stupid livejournal i know people won't get it or wont empathize.


Its hard for me to know exactly what i'm feeling right now. I think the christmas spirit is fucking with my heart. Actually, i know it is. I was all good to go until today and for some reason i've just felt depressed since 5 pm. i'm confused. "if you love something give it away."




So what am i thinking? im thinking im never going to find the right person. because with the right person, i dont fight, i dont argue, i dont get annoyed, i dont get annoying, i dont get worried, and i can trust. these things havent all come in the same package yet. Maybe that doesn't really exist. Of course i've been thinking about harrison since i found these old pictures. i dont think theres ever a point to thinking about him. theres never a question that needs an answer or a problem that needs to be solved. then i think about steve and the track ive dug in my mind from running in circles.




I've come to accept that it just never really works out the way you want it to. Even if you don't think you like someone that much, it still hurts to be unwanted. whatever im not even trying to feel sorry for myself. im just reflecting on why shit bothers me the way it does. not like i really need an excuse or explanation for myself. tomorrow i just want to go downtown with courtney and forget about getting ditched and forget about the feelings i try to make myself feel or try to deny i do actually feel. i want to forget about going to school and and everything standing in my way. i don't want to think about the rest of my life being worse than my life so far. i dont want to think about the fact that i go through friends like water. i just want to forget that i can't buy my friends with christmas presents and more gifts wont make them stay. i dont want to feel vulnerable or depressed or dependent. i want to appreciate everything i experience so why is it so hard for me to do that? why cant i? i dont think i'll ever be done wondering why its so hard for me to be happy.




Maybe we like the pain. Maybe we're wired that way. Because without it, I don't know; maybe we just wouldn't feel real. What's that saying? Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop.

Step outside and listen.
As you cut through the tension,
the world is crumbling down around you-it's found you.

When you woke up yesterday,
there was nothing left for me to say to you
because you wanted me to be true.

When all you feel is pain,
and somehow things have changed I'll be coming home to you.
When I forgot to call,
you knew it all,
it was coming down on you.

Will you still be waiting,
that's something I can't ask you to be.
Will you be still waiting for me?
I'm waiting for you and something is wrong,
but I just can't put my finger on it.

You never listened and you'll never listen now,
you know what I'm about,
but is that sufficient?
Do you hear the words I say?
It hurts when you talk that way.

You say you'll listen cause you'd like to live together lives...
How can you say that I'm supposed to stay when you talk on to me that way?
Oh come on.
I can't see what's supposed to be,
but if you trust me it might turn ok.
What are you gonna say?

ps. thanks for blocking me.

remember when your grandpa died and i wanted to go to the funeral or wake and you said you didnt want any of your friends there. Then matt called while i was at your house and you gave him directions?


Do you remember that? Because i remembered that last night and realized no one who really loves me would ever do that to me.

So next time you're wondering why i wont give you another chance, you can remember that.