after keikos dance show i came home and sat around and then greg came over and we started to watch lawrence of arabia but i decided i didnt want to so we watched training day instead, and then empire records, and then part of american psycho 2. exciting, i know.

its about time
that i came clean with you
no longer fine
i'm no longer running smooth
i thought that i
found myself on to something new
just one more line
i repeat over and over again till i'm blue in the face
with a choking regret
cuz i talked in circles around you on my bed
can't say i blame you one bit when you kept it all inside
when you left that night

sanity is far too often taken for granted.

this won't work now the way it once did
and I won't keep it up even though I would love to.
once I know who I'm not, then I'll know who I am.
but I know I won't keep on playing the victim.

consider me completely out of this stupid fucking triangle that you got me wrapped up in.

We got the afternoon,
You got this room for two,
One thing I've left to do,
Discover me,
Discovering you.

One mile to every inch of,
Your skin like porcelain,
One pair of candy lips and,
Your bubblegum tongue.

Cause if you want love,
We'll make it,
Swim in a deep sea,
Of blankets,
Take all your big plans,
And break 'em,
This is bound to be a while.

Your body is a wonderland,
Your body is a wonder I don't lose my head
Your body is a wonderland.

Something 'bout the way the hair falls in your face,
I love the shape you take when crawling towards the pillowcase,
You tell me where to go and,
Though I might leave to find it,
I'll never let your head hit the bed,
Without my hand behind it.

You want love?
We'll make it,
Swim in a deep sea,
Of blankets,
Take all your big plans,
And break 'em,
This is bound to be a while.

Your body is a wonderland,
Your body is a wonder I don't lose my head
Your body is a wonderland.

Damn baby,
You fluster me,
I know you're mine, all mine, all mine
But you look so good it hurts sometimes.

Your body is a wonderland

i just realized i fucking hate it when people are like "oh im depresseD" its fucking pathetic. and then they just get on antidepressants right away. and they are like proud of it? fuck off! you have nothing to be proud of and you probably arent even depressed. its called adolescence no one said it was fun. but then you sit there and bitch because you have a few sad weeks in your life. well fuck you!!!!!!!! you starving for attention wanna be depressed fucks. i think you should all read a book called prozac nation and then maybe you will understand that what youre going through is NOTHING compared to actual depression. and you dont need fucking medicine. you just want it becuase its the cool thing to have. why dont you go try and work out your problems with a counselor or therapist? oh yeah thats because you dont have any you just want any reason you can get your hands on to have people pity your pathetic life.

still in ap euro. still havent done anything productive. still me.

i need to do work on gifted because im going crazy not working on it. right now im in a very hateful mood and im listening to atreyu, im kind of in the mood for coheed and cambria though, if i wasnt this lazy i would get up and change the cd. i dont do the kazaa thing anymore. its kind of relieving because... well i dont know. just one less thing i guess. oh deanne the arsonist now. if only you knew how perfect this song is for right now....

back in english pretty bored. i typed my first paragraph with the thesis.10 minutes until freedom.

that pretty much sums up what i am feeling right now

"And I will keep you warm in hell."


alkaline trio

Fuck off like you're the only person that has ever cried or been broken by love

im in english and i dont know what to write for my lame ass essay comparing kate and portia. portia sucks. everyone sucks. burn. me and paula are talking about becoming a-sexual because it seems to be the only method of sexuality, or lack there of, that makes any sense in the long run. today i have felt completely horrible physically and mentally worn out. keiko said i was being really weird today. well SO. cebo even said i was being weird.

"i'm breezy"

"we drank ourselves to sleep
on the miseltoe concrete
we blank this page with ink
two for flinching when the paper cuts sink
we drank ourselves cause the paper cuts hurt."

-at the drive-in

i don't hate anyone. its just hard to swallow.


"truly stressing realization
i wish i was an astronaut
eight hour bitterness, all for who's sake?
stain glass sunday school charades"

-at the drive-in

this entry was rough. and much to explicit. no one deserves to hear what i wrote. i'll leave this space with me just saying i'm sad. but i think i'll manage.

"Red eye, code blue, I'd like to strangle you
And watch your eyes bulge right out of your skull
When you go down head first into the ground
I'll stand above you just to piss on your grave
No one loves you and you know it
Don't pretend that you enjoy it or you don't care
'Cause now I wouldn't lie or tell you all the things you wanna hear
'Cause I hate you"

-green day

i dyed my hair purple. people have this tendency to make me very apathetic. i wish you would all die.

YOUR NAME
-1- What's your full name? audrey claire billhymer
-2- What does your first name mean? honest/noble/strong leader
-3- What does your middle name mean? it means clear in french
-4- What does your last name mean? a lot of mixed up german
-5- Would you want to change your first name, if so to what? id want to change it to delilah
-6- Were you named after anyone? no. but i was almost named after janis joplin and grace slick
-7- Which of your parents named you? both
-8- What origin is your last name? german

BODY
-9- Height: 5'9
-10- Weight: 145
-11- Eyes: blue
-12- Hair: light brown
-13- Shoe Size: 9 1/2- 10
-14- Blood Type: A pos.
-15- Do you excercise? not really
-16- How many sit-ups can you do? like 35
-17- Push-ups? 5?
-18- Pull-ups? 2
-19- Are you allergic to anything? MSG
-20- Do you have any diseases? ah no
-21- Do you have an eating disorder? no no i do not
-22- Do you have any freckles or dimples? i got a few frecks

MIND
-23- What are some positive things about yourself? im really funny and cool to be with and nice and caring... thanks court
-24- What are some negative things about yourself? im loud and obnoxious and i take things too personally and over analyze everythign and im never content
-25- Do you have any mental disorders? yeah
-26- Are you more happy or sad? sad
-27- Pessimistic or optimistic? pessimistic
-28- Do you meditate? no
-29- How do you relieve stress? i cry and yell
-30- What causes you to get stressed out? everything
-31- What things help you out when you're stressed? music and crying and writing
-32- Are you happy with who you are? not particularly
-33- Are others happy with who you are? i doin't know. ask them.
-34- Describe your personality: loud, cares too much, loves too much, tries too hard, is bad at concentrating.

SCHOOL
-35- Who's your favorite teacher? ms witham or duke murawski
-36- Who's your least favorite teacher? ms grant
-37- What's your favorite subject? english
-38- What's your least favorite subject? math and chem
-39- What grade are you in? sophmore
-40- What schools have you gone to? dirksen frost shs
-41- What is your GPA? 4.0 weighted
-42- What college do you plan on attending? im not sure
-43- What's your career choice? im even less sure

FAMILY
-44- What are your parents names? mark and linda
-45- Sister(s) name(s) none
-46- Brother(s) name(s) eric
-47- Do you get along with your parents? occasionally.
-48- Do you get along with your siblings? sort of
-49- Do you like or dislike your parents? sometimes both
-50- Do you like or dislike your siblings? hes alright sometimes
-51- Who is your favorite relative? hannah and betsy
-52- Who is your least favorite relative? gay ass karol
-53- How many aunts and uncles do you have? 5 aunts/ 5 uncles
-54- Are your parents divorced? no
-55- Have your parent's gotten remarried? no they are still married for the first time
-56- Do you like family get togethers? depends on which side
-57- Has a family member ever died? yeah
-58- When was your last family reunion? a really really long time ago i was about 6
-59- Who do you miss out of your family? betsy and hannah


FRIENDS
-76- How many friends do you have? a few
-77- Who are they? courtney, keiko, sarah, charlie, sterve, vince, carter, tracy, jeanae
-78- What kind of people do you hang out with? the cool kind
-78- Who would you take a bullet for? all of them
-80- Would anyone take a bullet for you? court would.
-81- Do you have a best friend? yes 4
-82- Who are they? court keiko sarah charlie
-83- Who do you hang out with the most? courtney
-84- Who has changed for the better? charlie and keiko harrison
-85- Who has changed for the worse? nicole jessica
-86- Who hasn't changed at all? courtney
-87- Who are you most comfortable around? courtney charlie carters parents and allyson
-88- Who are you most uncomfortable around? carter
-89- Out of your friends who has/is the best...
-Eyes: carters cow eyes are cool
-Smile: ben ost
-Parents: carter
-House: jeanae
-Voice: sarah
-Hair : charlie
-Style: tracy
-Body: harrison
-Smell: carter or harrison
-Advice: chris
-Ideas: court hahahahahahahaha
-Jokes: patrick powers

SONGS
-90- Which song reminds you of yourself? counting crows- colorblind
-91- Which song reminds you of your life? alkaline trio- maybe ill catch fire
-92- Which song reminds you of your family? boysetsfire- rookie
-93- Which song reminds you of your boyfriend/girlfriend/crush? modest mouse- dramamine
-94- Which song reminds you of your best friend? adam ant- wonderful
-95- Which song reminds you of your current feeling(s)? saves the day- the choke
-96- What's your favorite band? saves the day and alikalieniditio
-97- What's your favorite song? the cure- boys dont cry
-98- How many concerts have you been to? a few
-99- What's the last concert you went to? saves the day
-100- What's the last CD you bought? good mourning

CURRENT
-101- Mood: bored.
-102- Taste: bad
-103- Song: fresh prince theme
-104- Sound: courts voice and the guitar
-105- Worry: looking like a rat in the pool
-106- High: jumping in that pool
-107- Thoughts: wondering if i can go in the pool soon
-108- Outfit: premiums tshirt and grey lounge pants ahhahaha
-109- Day: May 26, 2003. monday
-110- Time: 1:44 pm

What is the force that drives the superficial? tell me what keeps their minds remaining little.

-sick of it all

Right now im in the mood to die. don't think that i can't hear you laugh. i used to be a lot like you, but now i'm only me. i went over to allysons last night with courtney and tracy. the usual crowd was over there with carter. it was kind of weird. but i got over it. then everyone thought i was pissed off at alyssa, which i wasn't. i was just annoyed more so with life than anyone in particular. its just like after a while i can't stand the routine. the mindless fun just loses its appeal. after a while i starve for something more, some intelligent conversation or something that can feed my need for depth. its nothing anyone would understand.


and it doesnt matter to me. thats right. we could be friends or you could hate me, either way i think i would be okay in the end. i'm not exactly sure what you want from me. i feel like you want two different things. its like part of you wants me to be completely over you and just a friend but then you get pissed when i say i dont care if we're friends. so which is it? i really don't understand. maybe its one of those things that i could have predicted would happen but im sure you would have denied it. i really didnt expect it to end up like this though.

"I'm already nothing
you just noticed me fading
it takes a lot to make me crazy
and a lot is always going on"

-built to spill

you'll never be completely aware of how much i hate you. this is one of those moments where you look at yourself and think where is that one person who likes you anyway? and then you think is there one person? and then you conclude that yes there is but he will never know how much he means to you and he will never understand how much you need him in your life. and you wish he would have warned you ahead of time and protected you from the boys he knew would do no good. in my life of breaking waves and motion sickness, my only dramamine is charlie. i really can't stand much more of this on my own.

Well that's it. I'm walking to the water. I'm standing on the bank. I'm staring at my reflection. Oh my god, I look pathetic tonight. Well, guess what now, I'm diving in this river and I'm fishing out my heart. I'm never gonna let you get your hands on this again.

I'm commited to insecurities and you.

I have pete yorn stuck in my head. at least its a good song. incase you havent heard im sick and tired of trying. tonight we went downtown and i went in a ferris wheel... bucket? with courtney and jakie and i sang on my own. it was fantastic you have no idea. then we ate and it was alright. and then we drove home and steve was sleeping in the car and he was in the funniest positions ever and jackie was saying the funniest things. oh man. so cool. haha. oh.

six years and you will never know. letting you in on my secret would be more dangerous than suicide.

i think if there was one thing that ive been thinking about a lot lately its my virginity, and whether or not to keep it. i mean everyones talking about sex lately. and i mean. i wish i just knew. like i either DEFINITELY wanted to wait or DEFINITELY didnt. but right now i dont know? i mean i really dont know what i would do. its so hard to decide before it happens and then when it does you will know if you made the right or wrong decision. i dont know its so dumb. whatever. i dont know what to do. not like i have a whole lot of options. but lets say the opportunity did arise, i would like to think of myself as capable of making a choice i can live with. i just don't know which one. i mean sometimes i just think about what my reasons are and i dont really have a lot of good stable reasons to have sex but i dont really have any reasons not to.


i feel like i don't even know you anymore. maybe thats because i don't. sometimes i think youve finally figured me out and understand exactly how i work, but then the next day youre the same stupid boy i knew 2 years ago, i don't think that will ever change. viewing only you through rose colored glasses has left me blinded and oblivious to everything around me and i finally accept that my idealism has surpassed all practicalities. i give up. you won't be seeing me around anymore.

"and i don't dream
since i quit sleeping
and i havent slept
since i met you
and you can't breathe
without coughing in daytime
neither can i
so what do you say?
your coffin or mine?"

-alkaline trio

I fucked up.

survey i took from krista.. who took it from gina...


LAYER ONE:
-- Name: Audrey
-- Birthdate: february 14th, 1987
-- Birthplace: hoffman
-- Current Location: schaumburg
-- Eye Color: blue
-- Hair Color: light brown
-- Height: 5'9
-- Righty or Lefty: righty
-- Zodiac Sign: aquarius
LAYER TWO:
-- Your heritage: irish german
-- The shoes you wore today: flip flops
-- Your weakness: compulsive shopping
-- Your fears: being alone
-- Your perfect pizza: hawaiin deep dish from giordanos
-- Goal you'd like to achieve: be happy
LAYER THREE:
-- Your most overused phrase on AIM: "i'm lame" or "haha"
-- Your thoughts first waking up: i'm definitely not taking a shower
-- Your best physical feature: none of the above.. no wait. my hair. i like the color. but otherwise it sucks
-- Your bedtime: sometime inbetween 11 and 1
-- Your most missed memory: july 19th
LAYER FIVE:
-- Smoke: not anymore
-- Cuss: more than enough
-- Sing: in a constant way
-- Take a shower everyday: not even close
-- Have a crush: nah
-- Do you think you've been in love: yes
-- Want to go to college: yes
-- Like(d) high school: no
-- Want to get married: yeah
-- Believe in yourself: not particularly
-- Get motion sickness: frequently
-- Think you're attractive: i have my days
-- Think you're a health freak: haha noo
-- Get along with your parent(s): my moms kinda cool. i hate my dad
-- Like thunderstorms: yes
-- Play an instrument: sort of guitar
LAYER SIX:
In the past month...
-- Drank alcohol: nah
-- Smoked: no
-- Done a drug: no
-- Had Sex: no
-- Made Out: yes
-- Gone on a date: maybe? i dont remember.
-- Gone to the mall?: ugh yes
-- Eaten an entire box of Oreos: im not a big fan.
-- Eaten sushi: no
--Been on stage: no not really
-- Been dumped: yeah
-- Gone skating: nah
LAYER SEVEN:
Ever...
-- Played a game that required removal of clothing: haha.... yes...
-- If so, was it mixed company: well... its complicated see...
-- Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: yes
-- Been caught "doing something": not by my parents.
-- Been called a tease: yes
-- Gotten beaten up: yes
-- Shoplifted: yes
-- Changed who you were to fit in: no, i just never understood
LAYER EIGHT:
-- Age you hope to be married: like 27 or 28ish??
-- Numbers and Names of Children: several most likely. i dont care what their names are.
-- Describe your Dream Wedding: it doesnt matter.
--how do you want to die: a way that gets me to heaven
-- Where you want to go to college: who knows. i dont have a dream college. NYU is cool. or university of wisconsin at madison
-- What do you want to be when you grow up: i wish i had even a vague idea. but i don't. not at all.
LAYER NINE:
In a guy/girl..
-- Best eye color? green
-- Best hair color? brown
-- Short or long hair: it doesnt matter.
-- Best height: 6ft at least.
-- Best weight: the right one.
-- Best articles of clothing: those nice somewhat tight t-shirts.
-- Best first date location: it doesnt really matter.
-- Best first kiss location: in the rain.
LAYER TEN:
-- # of drugs taken illegally: um i think one. not counting alcohol.
-- # of people I could trust with my life: one.
-- # of CDs that I own: a good amount.
-- # of piercings: kind of 4
-- # of tattoos: none
-- # of scars on my body: many
-- # of things in my past that I regret: the sn Tinkerbell5679 ha.haha.

If there's one thing ive learned from the last two years of the hell ive been living called my adolescence, its that jumping into any type of relationship is stupid. in fact any relationship is stupid. i really hate changes in friendshps. i really do. honestly and if theres one thing i cant stand its hanging out with someone all the time for a short period of time and then them completely forgetting about you. what the fuck man. i am upset. mostly because im thinking about how okay my day would have been if that friend of bernadettes had not of yelled at me. that was just pitiful. i mean FUCK YOU! you judgemental shit. im so apathetic i wish i could explain it. or at least get it out. but i cant and to hell with you if youre going to say shit.

high school is quite possibly the worst time ive ever had in my entire life.

"Standing looking at a photograph
That you do not remember being taken
You look out of breath, and me like I am faking
As a matter of fact I don't recall this photo being taken
You don't even actually exist so I just started shaking"

-modest mouse



I'm never going sleep. I'lll never close my eyes now. you've pushed me much too far.

"nothing spoils the teaste of peanut butter like unrequitted love."

-charlie brown

i fake it so real i am beyond fake

"Did I tell you how much I miss
Your sweet kiss?
Did I tell you I didn't cry?
Well I lied
I lie lie lied

Over and over
When I nearly hit the face I loved
So tired of packaging the anger
Always pushing you away

Did I tell you you're wonderful?
I miss you yes I do
Did I tell you that I was wrong?
I was wrong
Cause you're wonderful yeah

Did I tell you how much I miss
Your smile?
Did I tell you I was okay?
Well no way
No way way way

You're wonderful yeah yeah

Now now now each and every day
I realize the price I have to pay
You you're wonderful
And now for your information
I'm walking around like an arm decoration

You you're wonderful
So high I can't get over it
So deep I can't get under it
You
You're wonderful yeah
You're wonderful yeah yeah
You're wonderful yeah yeah
You're wonderful yeah yeah
Wonderful

Did I tell you you're wonderful?
I miss you yes I do
Did I tell you that I was wrong?
I was wrong
For so long long long"

-adam ant- wonderful

fuuuuuuuuck i completely forgot about my ap euro until just now. ive had 3 weeks to work and ive done nothing. all i have to show for myself is an empty 8 page packet.good god.

Another daily inspirational quote from the one and only, Steve:


"the people you love are like balloons, if you dont pay attention, they float away, then, you miss them."

Time to go write about my day. my weekend. my life. my future. and the way i feel about EVERYTHING. including me. including YOU. tomorrow is alyssa's birthday. i hope she likes what i got her.

"And there's a memory of a window, looking through I see you.
Searching for something I could never give you.
There's someone who understands you more than I do.
A sadness I can't erase, all alone on your face."

-third eye blind

"how does it taste? not good good i bet. you know why? because my words are full of love. you arent ready for them."

-Steve

Today i bought fabric for my table at the expo. its funny because the woman over charged me but i pulled a carter and got too scared to go in there and resolve it for myself so i waited in the car and steve went in there and the woman was a bitch and it took him like 15 minutes lol. and it was funny. and then i went out to dinner for erics birthday with the fam. to maggianos. it was alright. now im doing nothing. i want a livejournal but im not cool enough. god. that sucks


ohh i think i have heartburn. but its okay because i'm heavy metal. hahaha.

"Just say what you wanted to say
I cannot stand these talks, dear
They're only getting nowhere
It's never resolved"

-bright eyes

so today after i got home from kellys house from working on the house project i came online and cheryl told me there were try outs tonight... hmm. well since soccer takes up my entire summer. with practice 3 -5 hours a day, i decided to not play. yeah im going to miss it. but... its just too much for me.

so i had to cut the grass and i told steve to come over because i needed to weed wack too and i figured that would take some time so steve came over and watched me mow the lawn and also weed wacked a bit for me. after that we headed over to keikos for some hard core origami. we had intended on watching princess mononoke but steve said it was stupid and turned it off. so then we ate some dinner and played catch. yes yes we did. hahah so then sarah came over and we went and sat on keikos drive way for a long time.

after talking for a while we decided to go to dq. we saw alex and krista there and some other guy but none of us knew who he was. alex said hey. whatever ya know. so then after that we went back to keikos and we were in the mood to try on dresses so i tried on a bunch of keikos dresses and some were way small but there was this really awesome black tube top dress from express that looked so rad and i want to get it. ill convince my mom. i will.


during this tiem when me sarah and keiko were all getting naked, steve was feeling so uncomfortable and embarassed. sarah put on keikos turnabout dress from this year and looked like one hot fairy lol. i couldnt fit into keikos prom dress from last year though. it was really short and didnt even zip partially.

after steve and sarah left i picked out this way hot outfit for keiko to wear tomorrow. i have to be honest, it rocks. then she came over and decided what i shoudl wear. i said okay. and that was that.

so tomorrow i think i will wear make up. you wish you could have this lol. haha

i bought alyssa's birthday present today. i know. cool. i really feel like i need to get a live journal because i want to put pictures on it. so if anyone wants to do that thing and give me the password so i can get it for free that would be great. yes. well i have an origami party to attend to today so this is all for now.

"Among those whom I like, I can find no common denominator, but among those whom I love, I can; all of them make me laugh."

-W. H. Auden

"The love that lasts longest is the love that is never returned."

-W. Somerset Maugham

i want to listen to something but i dont even know what. i need to shoot myself in the foot or something. maybe ill make a movie tonight. a documentary if you will..... starring.... me? or eric.? no not eric he has plans. ha so sad. ap euro homework here i come. im slightly behind. I got my midterms today so i thought i was doing okay but it turns out im not. well at least in math. i think its a C or somethign. i can't say im surprised. i hate that fucking class.

So its just about 6 and no calls yet from my MANY many friends who are just dying to hang out with me. its pathetic. i know. so tonight i will probably make my way over to blockbuster and rent some movies that i will watch intently into the wee hours of the morning by myself with the occasional company of my brother. Not only is he almost 13, but he also is smarter than me, a better skateboarder than me, and more popular with better prospects of a normal love life in the future. lets give it up for Eric. today has been such a lame and long never ending yet ending too quickly day. Courtney is babysitting. keiko has a life. Carter isnt sure if hanging out will work tonight because he doesnt know about dinner. Harrison is practicing with "the new guy" and he doesnt know when thats going to be done. i'll probably call sarah if she's around and watch some sappy love movies and cry. because im a hopeless romantic and id on't think i will ever be "okay" with that. sometimes i try to act like some punk ass bitch who doesnt care about love. but who am i kidding? certainly not me, and if i can't fool myself how would i expect anyone else to believe my sad act? ive been reading live journals all day of people who don't know me yet i know them and take the quizes from them. hence the surplus of them below. i need to work on my mosaics. the expo is way too soon. tomorrow i need to work on the house project with kelly. that shoudl take all day. i forgot i was supposed to have an origami party with keiko. i can do both though. im just that amazing.

Subject: i need to get a life
Time: 2:45 PM

{x} current mood: bored
{x} current taste: diet coke in 5 seconds...

{x} current hair: short and very furious.
{x} current annoyance: you not talking to me
{x} current smell: my room

{x} current thing you ought to be doing: ap euro homework, enojoying the day
{x} current desktop picture: the moon.
{x} current book: Somerset Maughm- The Razor's Edge

{x} current refreshment: diet coke

{x} current worry: i'll never get you back
{x} current crush: i have a crush on the idea of being happy
{x} current favorite celebrity: john cusak
{x} who do you like: i like the idea of you
{x} who likes you: how could anyone?
{x} what annoys you: the fact that im wasting away in my bedroom
{x} what do you want to do: i want to act. its the only thing that makes me feel whole.
{x} who is one person you never get sick of: charlie
{x} who is one person you would marry tomorrow: i would marry my lobster
{x} do you sleep on your back, stomach or side?: usually side

{x} what would you take if you were stuck on a desert island? a picture of you
{x} who would you take to that island if you had to take anyone, dead or alive?: probably chris. i mean we would have to reproduce right?
{x} do you like water?: very much so
{x} if your house was on fire and you could only save one thing, what would you save?: r.b.f. or maybe the cds youre letting me borrow.
{x} have you ever said 'i love you' and not meant it?: yes
{x} what is your favorite sesame street character?: hmm.. good question. oscar.
{x} what time is it?: 2:55
{x} what time did you wake up this morning?: 11:40

{x} who would you trade places with for a day?: carter
{x} have you ever been told you look like a celebrity?: no. never.
{x} finish this sentence. "i wouldn't be caught dead...": kissing you
{x} what is the worst thing that can happen on a date?: succumbing to the onset of a nervous breakdown
{x} would you rather live in the mountains or by the ocean?: ocean.
Last time you've...

{x} cried: last night
{x} bought something: last night
{x} gotten sick: i always feel kind of gross

{x} eaten: cereak

{x} been kissed: um....8 days ago
{x} felt stupid: everytime i talk to you.
{x} wanted to tell someone you loved them, but didn't: today
{x} talked to an ex: 10 minutes ago

{x} talked to someone you have a crush on: i don't know. an hour ago?
{x} had a serious talk: last night
{x} missed someone: right now
{x} hugged someone: a few days ago


{x} are you center of attention or a wall flower: i feel like both. all the time.
{x} what type of automobile do you drive: haha a 96 tahoe or a 95 crown victoria LX

{x} would you rather be with friends or on a date: i want my date to be my best friend
{x} do you attend church: yeah
{x} do you like being around people: yeah i think less about the way i feel
{x} who is your role model: my mom or my therapist
{x} have you ever liked someone you had no chance with? all the time.
{x} have you ever cried over the opposite sex: yeah
{x} have you ever lied to your best friend: no

{x} ever wanted to get revenge on someone because they hurt you: yeah but i know the people who i seek revenge unto are not capable of feeling the way i feel.

{x} rather have a relationship or a "hookup": i want to be in love, its sad, i am obsessed
{x} want someone you don't have right now: definitely
{x} ever liked your best girl/guy friend: yeah
{x} do you want to get married: yes. badly.

{x} do you want kids: yeah. i cant wait.
{x} what is your favorite part of your physical appearance: i guess my eyes are kind of cool colored
{x} what is your favorite part of your emotional being: nothing, i hate it
{x} are you happy with your life: not right now

{x} if you could change something in your life right now, what would it be: i would call you and come over and you would profess your love to me and i would tell you i feel the same and it would be okay. but its not.

does anyone read these? to me- NO WAY

oh man i just got another one. today is the survey day alright.

01. name: Audrey
02. d.o.b.: February 14th
03. location: Schaumburg
04. religion: Lutheran

::right now::
01. wearing: gray capri's with bleach stains from carters hair, and a presque isle wisconsin tshirt.
02. listening to: birds outside my window.
03. thinking of: persuading harrison to hang out with me
04. feeling: anxious/desperate/blank

::last thing you::
01. bought: gum balls from gum ball galaxy in the mall.
02. did: attempted to work on the guitar
03. ate & drank: bowl of cinniminininmn life
04. read: Prozac Nation
05. watched on tv: the middle of some bad movie on hbo at 2 in the morning

::either / or::
01. club or houseparty: houseparty.
02. tea or coffee: coffee
03. high achiever or easy-going: easy-going for the most part
04. beer or cider: cider
05. drinks or shots: Drinks.
06. pen or pencil: pencil.
07. gloves or mittens: Mittens.
08. food or candy: Food.
09. cassette or cd: cd.
10. snuff or cigarettes: cigarettes
11. coke or pepsi: coke
12. hard or mild alcohol: hard
13. ricki lake or oprah winfrey: ricki lake

::who do you want to...::
01. kill?: just myself
03. slap?: harrison. ha ha.
04. hear from: carter
05. get really wasted with: no one. i would just throw up.
06. tickle: carter.
07. look like: tracy
08. be like: melissa berena

::favorite...::
01. food: oh's.
02. drink: Water/diet coke/juice
03. color: midnight blue
04. shoes: flip flops
05. song: well lets see at the moment its probably Alkaline Trio- Clavicle. for various reasons.
06. fruit: plums/raspberry/banana

Nicknames: i wish people didnt call me bill

::about you (physical)::
01. Sex: Female.
02. Height: 5'9
03. Hair Color: light brown
04. Is it long or short?: Short.
05. Is it straight, curly, crimped, etc.?: straight
06. Have you ever dyed your hair?: yes
07. Do you plan on ever dying your hair?: Yes.
08. Do you have contacts or glasses?: glasses
09. Do you have any piercings?: sort of.
10. Do you have any tattoos?: no
11. If so, what and where:
12. Do you have any scars?: yeah. everywhere.
13. If so, from what and where?: i cracked my head open when i was 2.... i have fallen on my knees skateboarding... and skating... i jumped off a swing. i got washed up onto a reef while surfing. i hit my wrist on a light. i burned it with the oven. soccer..
14. Are you handsome/pretty?: nah. i don't think so.
15. Are you happy with the way you look?: not particularly but there isnt really anything i can do about it.
16. What do you want to change about the way you look?: better face. i hate looking like a donkey when i laugh.
17. Are you athletic?: yeah
18. Are you into alcohol: not really

::about you (general)::
01. Are you caring?: at times too much
02. Are you crazy?: yeah i suppose. i wish i wasnt.
03. Are you dependable? : yeah
04. Are you depressed?: more often than not
05. Are you suicidal?: not always
06. Do you have a pyschiatrist/psychologist?: yeah
07. Are you dependent?: sometimes.
08. Are you flirty?: no. i get guys based on sheer stupidity.
09. Are you funny?: people have told me i am. i doubt it.
10. Are you loud?: too loud
11. Are you lovable?: no.
12. Are you nice?: i try to be
13. Are you popular? no
14. Are you shy?: no. sometimes i wish i was.
15. Are you trustworthy?: yep.
16. What is the weirdest thing about you?: everything. it should be what is the most normal thing about you, but even then i would really have to think before coming up with an honest answer
17. What is your catch phrase?: hmmm. ahh... "I'm lame"
18. What is your sign?: Aquarius

::family::
01. Fathers Name: mark
02. Mothers Name: linda.
03. Do you get along well with your parents?: my moms okay
04a. Do you have any siblings?: yes
04b. -If so, how many?: 1
04c. -What is/are his or her name(s)? Eric
05a. Any nephew's or nieces? no lol
05b. - If so, what is/are his or her name(s)?
06. Do you get along well with your siblings? I'm starting to

::love life::
01. Do you believe in love?: Yes.
02. Do you believe in love at first sight?: yeah
03. Have you ever fallen in love at first sight?: not to my recollection

::friends::
01. What qualities do you look for in your friends? sanity and patience. the two qualities i lack but need the most.
02a. Who is your best friend?: courtney/keiko/sarah
02b. -Why are they your best friend?: because they put up with me better than every one else. they have convinced themselves that someday i will get better..
03. Who acts the most like you? in some ways courtney. in others sarah.
04. Who are you jealous of?: charlie.
05. Who do you e-mail the most?: hmm myself.
06. Who do you go to for advice?: harrison
07. Who do you go to when you cry?: probably harrison the most, then chris.
08. Who do you talk to the most?: courtney
09. Who do you think will get married first?: maybe me?
10. Who do you think will have the most kids?: maybe me again? chris? harrison?
11. Who have you known the longest?: sarah and charlie
12. Who knows all of your secrets?: keiko/carter
13. Who looks the most like you?: people said me and court look alike but i dont see it.
14. Whose family do you know the best?: carter/harrison

::favorites::
01. Band: right now i really like alk3
02. Flavor: coconut
03. Holiday: fourth of july
04. Ice Cream Flavor: coconut
05. Computer Game: i don't know. oregon trail prob.
06. Cookie: chocolate chip. its classic.
07. Family Member: my mom
08. Month: july
09. Number: 21
10. Punch Line: thats a dumb question
11. Scent: sui dreams/curve
12. Season: Summer
13. Soft Drink: dr. pepper/fanta
14. Sound: Music.
15. Toy: camera
16. TV Channel: food network/hbo/disney.
17. TV Show: friends/that 70's show
18. Weather: 75ish

so i need to get a live journal because they are way cooler than this. well at least to me they are. and everyone else has one so why cant i? i took this quiz from jeanaes live journal. something to pass the time with.

get me out of this mood.

"So I update this almost every single day for you
I begin to hate you for your face and not just the things you go
So go tell him why my wrist is sore
from pulling out your insides all night
Nothing that you do is new to anything or anyone but you"

-brand new

I'm in a sad mood. and all the make up that i put on to make myself feel better for no particular reason is running down my face and i look like i just got hit by a truck.i wish i did. i care too much about everything that doesnt matter and i care too little about everythign that isnt important. i hate to be such a fucking self-pity case. i just hate me.

Has anything you've done made your life better? life is too short to be pissed all the time.

"when two people love eachother, but they just can't get it together, when do you get to the point where enough is enough?"
"never"

-the mexican

Tonight was alright. i laughed a lot. mostly at Rake Yohn. what an awful name. oh rake. i kind of hate being alive though. its really not so fun

i think feminism is stupid

"thank you disillusionment
thank you nothingness
thank you clarity
thank you thank you silence"

-alanis

today. i am feeling. anxious. the idea of us is almost better than the real thing.

"Everything that you could never say
Would never matter anyway
I took a hammer and two nails to my eardrums long ago
Before that steak knife took my eyes
I looked up to the sky
For the last thing I would ever see
For the last time I'd cry"

-alkaline trio

Keep the fire from my wax wings. theyve already begun to melt. i desire nothing more than flight so i can get the hell away from you. my dearest fallen angel, you have fallen much too far. saving yourself would be next to impossible now. but i know your dirty secrets and they reside in the backof my mind. res assured i will keep them locked inside until the day i see your evil eyes cry. but now ill fly away on my broken wax wings. ill meet you in hell.

name? audrey
age? 16
height? 5' 9
weight? 145
short job description? future employee at Bed Bath and Beyond!
personality flaws? fear of abandonment. im a perfectionist
distinguishing characteristics? i drool a lot... i sweat a lot.
hair colour? dirty blonde/light brown
real hair colour? dirty blonde/light brown
education? high school
pants size? 9

Last...
book you read? prozac nation
movie you watched? dogma
person you kissed? carter
person you say "i love you" to? kdkhsdf;idfasioec
time you got drunk? i don't remember
time you woke up with someone elses underwear on? hmm. this morning
stupid thing you said? whatever i said the last time i spoke
person you cuddled with? courtney hehehehe
time you were naked in public? well like just those few times with allyson and keiko
fell down the stairs? today after every period
time you had to take medication? for what? last night. athsma and depression

Time To Play Favourites...
muppet? beeker
colour? blue, green
shoes? flipflops or sambas.
country? japan
weapon? machine gun
artist? Monet--------alkaline trio
male vocalist? not entirely sure
female vocalist? alanis
instrument? tamborine/ cow bell
music genre? many much
vice? romance
food? so much., i really love everything. right now i could go for a cheeseburger and fries. or pizza.
cologne? sui dreams/curve
sight? an unexpected smile
actors? john cusak
actresses? marilyn monroe
quote? "this could be love... love for fire"
new thing? my anger and open mindedness
old thing? my comfort in sadness
rave? i dont know but i want to go to one
people? my friends.
person? who knows
place to relax? my bed, or couch
place to be pissed off? at the computer
natual disaster? el nino
state? i haven't been to enough of them. i like oregon. im such a loser
city? to me it would be san diego

Worst...
sex? someday i will be able to answer that
place to relax? the car
place to be pissed off? the car
place you've had sex? i hate this question?
hospital? st alexia
state? illinois. or maybe montana.
city? schaumburg
country? north korea
male vocalist? almost all of them
female vocalist? avril. ha. fucker.
instrument? the kazoo
music genre? R and B
vice? romance
alcohol? captain morgan's
food? anchovies
weird smell? death
sight? sad eyes
actors? most
actresses? britney spears

Who...
fucked up your life the most? its best not to say.
made your life better? carter, courtney, harrison, keiko, sarah, charlie, cebo, chris.
are you afraid of? carter
do you hate, or just dislike a whole lot? i dont know. a lot of people.
do you love? one
was the last person that bought something for you? no one for a while
was the last person you got into a fight with? i dont really fight with people. courtney makes fun of me every day though
was the last person you gave head to? greg


Sex...
sexual preference? boy
favourite time of day to have sex? sdnviuarhg
favourite positions? hibveariuvnksd
fetishes? nucuoasnioef
favourite place to have sex? on top of a double decker bus in a thunderstorm
favourite people to have sex with? vnaindsr;goaei
fantasies? hahahaha
how old were you when you first had sex? i will do it. i will do it 9 times.
what kind of people are you attracted to? mysterious/emotionally unavailable
what turns you on? pretty much everything. playing guitar.
nastiest thing or most taboo thing you've ever done while having sex? i can do it. i will do it. i will do it 9 times
favourite sex toy? " "
favourite porn star? ron jeremy
do you own any porn? no
have you ever been told to shut the fuck up while fucking? hahahaa no
have you ever busted out laughing while fucking? haha no
how many times a day or how often do you have sex? i dont
do you give head? not on a regular basis
do you enjoy it? not in a big way
ever wanted to fuck a cartoon character? no
do you intend to breed? haha yeah
have you ever been penetrated with a foreign object? hahaha
ever fantisized about the energizer bunny? no haha
do you know what smoking porn is? no
are you turned on b disturbing smells? no. ha
do you prefer fresh or rotting corpses? first available
do you have sex with a person for the first time if they're drunk? no
have you ever tried to have sex with someone who was sleeping? haha no
if someone were to pay you 2 million dollars once every year for the rest of your life would you fuck a farm animal? which animal?
have you ever had sex with someone that farted while you were fucking? haha no but that sounds so funny
have you ever had sex in the public? no not even in private
did the phone ever ring while you were having sex? did you answer it? n/a
have you ever tied someone up? whipped them? left them there? yes. just call me the agressor
if someone you were very attracted to, who is 10+ years older that you, wanted to fuck, would you? what about 10 years younger? nah. i can't see being attracted to anyone who is 26 or 6
would you fuck your best friends boy/girl friend while they were out of town? what if they were REALLY hot? no.
have you ever had sex with a pregnant chick? would you? no. no i would not.
have you ever had sex with someone that was obese? would you? no. ha
have you ever eaten ass? eeeeghag corn hole corn hole corn hole
have you ever has your ass eaten? hahahaha corn hold holendoaing
are you turned on by or terrified by clowns? turned on baby
do cybernetics turn you on? not really
what about puppets/muppets/feebles? haha no just carter
have you ever finished a rubix cube? yes. i cheated.
have you ever had an orgy? no.
whats the largest amount of people you had sex with at the same time? 3000
have you ever had sex at a party? oh many times. followed by a milk challenge
on camera? no
how many people have you had sex with? zero
do you wank? haha no
what about while having sex? no haha
have you ever been turned on at the gyno? ive never been
do squirrels really like nuts? its more likely than not
are you turned on by lava men or lord zorgon? yes. oh hot hot lava.
do drugs increase your sexual experience? i dont know.
have you ever been raped? did you enjoy it? isavnosignj
do you scratch, tear, bite, scream? uiuvheirhgd
does santa turn you on? yes that jolly old st. nick
how about the tooth fairy? i havent seen her much lately
have you ever had sex in church? was it a priest or nun? no?
does girl on girl hardcore action turn you on? no. no it doesnt.
how about anal? not that eiether
do you talk during sex? what about? i can imagine talking during sex.
has anyone ever quoted poetry to you as a pickup line? did it work? no. ive never had any pick up lines
does it piss you off when people leave their socks on in bed? i dont think it would
who's your favourite rocky character? bullwinkle
have you ever had "relations" with someone of the same gender? no i havent
do you like to be tickled? yeah. im not ticklish. but i would enjoy it either way.
how about scratched? yeah maybe
what famous people do you want to fuck? john cusak
have you ever broken someone? in what way? oh im a heartbreaker alright
have you ever been broken? like house broken.
any genital piercings? a principeceafaslkhpfd
would you fuck someone in a hospital? if they were the patient? only in the morgue
do you like cum? yes, yes i do.
how many of your current friends have you slept with? none
what's more erotic: kissing above or below the waist? belowwwwwwwwwww




i stole this from krista's live journal and i took out like 1/6 the questions because i thought they were stupid. i think this entire thing was stupid and i shouldnt have done it.

"This could be love... love for fire"

-alkaline trio

today was really fun. i found some stuff out about carter that i never knew. haha oh man. oh carter.

I want the new alkaline trio cd

throwing fists in the air. what have you learned? what do you know about life and its meaning? deny your existance. go deny having a purpose. there's no insight to gain about anyone else but yourself. your present state has left you confused. well ill spare you the self-examination. here's my diagnosis. you need to see the sunlight and you need to see the beauty that you are determined to prove does not exist. i'll let you in on another secret. the beauty is there whether you want it to be or not. shunning it into the back of your mind only brights light to your insecurities. the world will learn your secret soon enough beause i saw it in your eyes and its only a matter of time before your transparencies become so vivid youre practically colorless. you could scream at me until i bleed from every porous inch of my skin and ill never stop believing. you're as compassionate as they come.

"maybe I'll catch fire,
something warm to hold me,
something pure to burn away the darkness that hides inside my mind.
All that evil shit's not hard to find
I guess I only claim to be nice."

-alkaline trio

i think i am better. i think i can say i am getting better. this weekend i slept. i didnt bathe. i didnt eat. i just slept. it was close to bad but i didnt really care enough to think about how i was feeling. l was too busy thinking about something. im not even sure what. i played a lot of piano. it was weird. i also taught myself a lot about major minor diminished and augmented triads. its a lot easier to understand when youre looking at a piano. at least. to me it is. i'm glad i have people that i call friends.

Its like at first you dont realize it. and you dont really understand it. you just know that its over and for some reason it hurts. but why does it hurt? its a question ive been asking myself for years. i have reached no conclusions execpt the insecurities that lie within myself are greater than the self-confidence i am capable of obtaining. i have been looking for fields of roses in deserts of dandylions and i shouldnt even be concerned with the roses because im only 16 and i know i can tell myself i take myself to seriously but i dont know if ill ever understand until its too late. sometimes you never expect the people you know to really change you. but gradually if you look back you realize you did change. i wonder how i would be if i didnt make some of the choices id made and didnt meet the people i did. i guess its all part of some big plan. and despite my openmindedness about religion and the fact that i accept every different opinion. i still believe in a higher power. i just do. and i know how stupid some people think that is. and for a while i tried to convince myself out of faith. but i wouldnt even be kidding myself because i knwo what i believe and i don't want to change that. so. to each his own. and i guess i needed to just get it off my chest.

all i do is sleep. im afraid to be alone and im afraid im sinking lower than ever before. but its not your fault. and no one thinks your an asshole. but to be honest, hitting me in the face would have felt better than this. and healed faster. a misunderstanding on both parts left us starving for what we couldn't offer eachother. at least not yet. i need you to be my friend. i can't make it through my life on my own.

"i've spent so long sitting down here,
paper cut my heart in half and discard the evidence
when it's yours come send me the last half
dowsed in kerosene in a torched, blazed blood bath
when boy sets fire god knows you've lost at a cost that has no price
when you've purchased guilt
stand at attention and make sure you know lines and yourself"

-coheed and cambria

ive been making the same wish on every wishable thing for the las few months but now i know wishes arent real and they rarely come true.

"Why is it everything's all loneliness with me? I guess sometimes I try too hard, and sometimes you cause it, but it always carries on and on.
"What did you ever become?" you asked.
I said, "I was told to be smiles and bright eyed happiness, but sometimes I can't find anything to laugh at."
"I don't want to be here." you said.
It seems like I almost always have that effect on everyone. I say to myself, "You aren't the first one to think like me." And I just want to be like everyone else. Why can't I be everything to everyone else, or maybe just to you? Just once I would like to be something. And I wouldn't mind if you'd like to be with me."

- saves the day

so shocase of the band was cool. carmel sutra did amazing. it was really good. they got banned from playing at shs ever again which is a stupid and pointless situation in itself but i think it was worth it. other than that i think i could consider tonight pretty horrible. i don't even know what to write on this. the only reason i am is becuase i havent updated in a few days and i get really mad at myself when i don't have a post every day. i guess thats more of the perfectionist coming out of me...

today is sucking. tomorrow we are going on a field trip with gifted. the field museum. yay. noooooooooooo. i just want to hang out with carter todayyyyyyyyy

i wonder what i'll be like when i grow up. i can't imagine myself being any older than 16. i really can't imagine myself with a family. that seems so weird right now. i feel like ill be in school for the rest of my life. and i suppose there are worse things but i hope i have a fun life.

"in a coma you don’t dream you just hope that someone sits with you."
-bright eyes

This weekend was pretty nice. it was relaxing. last night was prom and keiko said she had a good time and we had a pretty fun time too. sitting around the fire roasting marshmallows and throwing up milk. it was nice though. i dyed carters hair pink. its pretty hot i have to be honest. too bad it washes out. we will have to eventually find something more permanent. tonight i hung out with steve and court and then we went over to carters and hung out there for a little bit. we stood in the rain for a while too. it was really nice. i love the rain. i'm listening to bright eyes now- no lies just love. i really love this song. next weekend i'm going to my grandparents house for mothers day and im excited because i havent seen them since christmas andi know it sounds kind of lame but i really love my grandparents and i love seeing them (not the Judds) and i think my grandpa made me some more beads. and whenever i go there its great time for me to read, think, and pretend i can play piano. im really relaxed right now. im not looking forward to school tomorrow. i didn't do my chemistry. i dont care. i hate it.

things i need to get sometime: a strong bad hoodie. a cky shirt.

i need to get happy.

im sitting here listening to God of Wine by third eye blind and its a really good song that sometimes makes me cry but tonight its not really making me sad. more or less numb. i dont really feel anything at the moment. sometimes i wish i was an addict of some sort just so i could have an excuse for being so fucked up half the time. and i guess in a way i am addicted. addicted to drowning myself in self defeat. even when i haven't lost anything. i feel emotionally and physically drained and i hate it. i think its schools fault for the most part. i just need it to be over and i need to sign up for summer school tomorrow. i dont ever want to take gay ass health. boooooooo i just want to go to sleep forever... ohh life.

"you wouldn't let me get away with kicking my own ass..."

-alanis