Wednesday, December 28, 2005
it has recently come to my attention that it is impossible to change someone. i knew this before. right now its time for me to start taking responsibility for myself and my emotions. its not really possible for someone else to "make me sad" or make me feel anything. i'm the one who is in control of how i feel and other people can't manipulate me. it comes down to my issues and my feelings and my neediness and i need to awknowledge that rather than just leave this big empty space in my heart for someone else to attempt to fill. Its impossible to be happy with someone else if you can't first be happy with yourself. I get that now. I understand that me being unable to let go is due to my intense fear of rejection. But just because i understand that doesn't mean i can make myself feel differently. Everything takes so long. When trying to fill these ceaseless voids, its not logical to assume it will happen overnight. nothing happens over night. people constantly revert to bad habits without even realizing it. There was a time when i wasn't quite really to get off the tumultuous ride of unhealthy relationships. There were actually many times when i just needed to go around one more time. there was always a need to prove it didnt work out one more time. well the one more times have turned into years and the years have left me wondering if now i am really ready to break bad habits and let go of the safety bar of bad conscience and neediness and actually get out of the car. Ive warn the tracks down so far its hard to even think about going for one more ride without crashing and burning in a firey wreck. I need to step onto the ramp. I need to get out. I need to get back on my feet. its a step that i haven't been able to complete for years. there are moments in my life when i am overcome by the feeling of finally doing the right thing. though these are few and far between, it is still in these brief glimpses of light at the end of the tunnel that i have some (though substantially not much) faith in my future. Maybe i will start living for me this time. Maybe i'm really ready to give up this constant co-dependency. Maybe there is a reason that i am in this place right now. Maybe we are all where we are supposed to be and that is all we can ask of ourselves. I'm ready to start believing that there is more to life than abusive and unhealthy relationships and friendships full of deceit, betrayal, and deception. There is a glimmer of hope; a silver lining that i failed to see for so long. Maybe nothing gold can stay and that's the point. Its not about forever really. Maybe gold is nature's hardest hue to hold, but that doesn't mean the other colors don't provide something. Maybe the gold is there to tell us that everything is cyclical. Even if life isn't working right now, it eventually will be okay. Because the changing seasons always lead back to fall and the gold is a prevailing constant of autumn. Maybe nothing gold can stay, its true, but maybe nothing gold can really ever leave either. I'm still light years away from knowing who i am and what i'm supposed to be doing in this life. I know i will never have all the answers because they don't really exist. Is everything just haphazardly and chaotically happening around us and to us everyday? are we just atoms randomly running into eachother. I don't know if anyone will ever be able to say with certainty if everything is connected or random. Opinions are like assholes, everybody has one. Right now im okay with just being who i am where i am.
I was going to just write a post about fate. And i had about a paragraph done when i realized i wasnt really in the mood to write about fate. Instead i would like to say Mazeltov to high school realationships. the good, the bad, and the ugly all deserve a bit of thanks and appreciation. without these relationships there is no way i would be the well adjusted almost 19 year old typing this right now.
From day one there were lessons to be learned and there was much room to grow. I never really saw myself as the wise-beyond-my-years type, and it would be wrong to say i do now. I just can tell that upon reflection, my high school relationships were each experiences that needed to be had in order to grow up. It is true to say i didnt always take the most direct route to emotional growth and maturity, but the road less traveled may have helped more than hindered in the long run. Ive also realized its impossible to do everything right on your own. the subjective opinion and view of the self is much less approachable than the objective outsiders ideas. that being said, it makes sense why everyone always feels compelled to talk about everything else. Gory and unnecessary details run rampant in the whispering voices of high school hall ways. For my own benefit, i'm now going to try to sum up what every major high school relationship taught me.
From Greg i learned that i needed to have self-confidence in order to allow myself to feel anything other than pain and anxiety in a relationship.
From Carter i learned that i'll never be able to think as abstractly or deeply as i think i can.
From Steve i learned how to trust, to forgive, and to understand my need to learn how to be myself without a relationship. or at least without such a demanding relationship.
The moral is that high school relationships suck you dry but they are a necessary evil in growing up. In a few years ill be able to look back at the nights i spent crying and laugh because it just doesn't matter like it used to. I understand that i've only been at school for a semester so how could i have such a definite opinion? but ive been collecting and developing these opinions for years even when i was physically in high school and mentally trying hard as hell to escape. There is no easy way out. and the only way to finally get to the person you are always trying to be is to follow the scenic route. Short cuts don't really exist in the game of life. Its not possible to just skip certain steps. In the end, every experience means something- whether it is good or bad. adolescence teaches us what we need to know in order to successfully function in society as adults. everyone is always in a constant war with themselves over how much of themselves to give and how much to keep. Its a futile battle of chance and it only ends when one person meets someone else who can talk about the things that no one ever would and understand how much to give without having to think.
the human heart endures and that is all that i can really be certain about at this point in my life.
From day one there were lessons to be learned and there was much room to grow. I never really saw myself as the wise-beyond-my-years type, and it would be wrong to say i do now. I just can tell that upon reflection, my high school relationships were each experiences that needed to be had in order to grow up. It is true to say i didnt always take the most direct route to emotional growth and maturity, but the road less traveled may have helped more than hindered in the long run. Ive also realized its impossible to do everything right on your own. the subjective opinion and view of the self is much less approachable than the objective outsiders ideas. that being said, it makes sense why everyone always feels compelled to talk about everything else. Gory and unnecessary details run rampant in the whispering voices of high school hall ways. For my own benefit, i'm now going to try to sum up what every major high school relationship taught me.
From Greg i learned that i needed to have self-confidence in order to allow myself to feel anything other than pain and anxiety in a relationship.
From Carter i learned that i'll never be able to think as abstractly or deeply as i think i can.
From Steve i learned how to trust, to forgive, and to understand my need to learn how to be myself without a relationship. or at least without such a demanding relationship.
The moral is that high school relationships suck you dry but they are a necessary evil in growing up. In a few years ill be able to look back at the nights i spent crying and laugh because it just doesn't matter like it used to. I understand that i've only been at school for a semester so how could i have such a definite opinion? but ive been collecting and developing these opinions for years even when i was physically in high school and mentally trying hard as hell to escape. There is no easy way out. and the only way to finally get to the person you are always trying to be is to follow the scenic route. Short cuts don't really exist in the game of life. Its not possible to just skip certain steps. In the end, every experience means something- whether it is good or bad. adolescence teaches us what we need to know in order to successfully function in society as adults. everyone is always in a constant war with themselves over how much of themselves to give and how much to keep. Its a futile battle of chance and it only ends when one person meets someone else who can talk about the things that no one ever would and understand how much to give without having to think.
the human heart endures and that is all that i can really be certain about at this point in my life.
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
If there's one thing that depresses me more than anything else, its getting ditched, or completely blown off. Its just so useless. If someone doesn't want to hangout, why cant they just flat out tell me instead of all this maybe this maybe that bullshit. Im not going to cry over it. I just dont understand why people do all the maybe this bullshit and then it obviously (and always) ends up being no. I'm listening to bright eyes and feeling sorry for myself and this is the only place i can really vent because i know no one actually reads it. if i say shit on my stupid livejournal i know people won't get it or wont empathize.
Its hard for me to know exactly what i'm feeling right now. I think the christmas spirit is fucking with my heart. Actually, i know it is. I was all good to go until today and for some reason i've just felt depressed since 5 pm. i'm confused. "if you love something give it away."
So what am i thinking? im thinking im never going to find the right person. because with the right person, i dont fight, i dont argue, i dont get annoyed, i dont get annoying, i dont get worried, and i can trust. these things havent all come in the same package yet. Maybe that doesn't really exist. Of course i've been thinking about harrison since i found these old pictures. i dont think theres ever a point to thinking about him. theres never a question that needs an answer or a problem that needs to be solved. then i think about steve and the track ive dug in my mind from running in circles.
I've come to accept that it just never really works out the way you want it to. Even if you don't think you like someone that much, it still hurts to be unwanted. whatever im not even trying to feel sorry for myself. im just reflecting on why shit bothers me the way it does. not like i really need an excuse or explanation for myself. tomorrow i just want to go downtown with courtney and forget about getting ditched and forget about the feelings i try to make myself feel or try to deny i do actually feel. i want to forget about going to school and and everything standing in my way. i don't want to think about the rest of my life being worse than my life so far. i dont want to think about the fact that i go through friends like water. i just want to forget that i can't buy my friends with christmas presents and more gifts wont make them stay. i dont want to feel vulnerable or depressed or dependent. i want to appreciate everything i experience so why is it so hard for me to do that? why cant i? i dont think i'll ever be done wondering why its so hard for me to be happy.
Maybe we like the pain. Maybe we're wired that way. Because without it, I don't know; maybe we just wouldn't feel real. What's that saying? Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop.
Its hard for me to know exactly what i'm feeling right now. I think the christmas spirit is fucking with my heart. Actually, i know it is. I was all good to go until today and for some reason i've just felt depressed since 5 pm. i'm confused. "if you love something give it away."
So what am i thinking? im thinking im never going to find the right person. because with the right person, i dont fight, i dont argue, i dont get annoyed, i dont get annoying, i dont get worried, and i can trust. these things havent all come in the same package yet. Maybe that doesn't really exist. Of course i've been thinking about harrison since i found these old pictures. i dont think theres ever a point to thinking about him. theres never a question that needs an answer or a problem that needs to be solved. then i think about steve and the track ive dug in my mind from running in circles.
I've come to accept that it just never really works out the way you want it to. Even if you don't think you like someone that much, it still hurts to be unwanted. whatever im not even trying to feel sorry for myself. im just reflecting on why shit bothers me the way it does. not like i really need an excuse or explanation for myself. tomorrow i just want to go downtown with courtney and forget about getting ditched and forget about the feelings i try to make myself feel or try to deny i do actually feel. i want to forget about going to school and and everything standing in my way. i don't want to think about the rest of my life being worse than my life so far. i dont want to think about the fact that i go through friends like water. i just want to forget that i can't buy my friends with christmas presents and more gifts wont make them stay. i dont want to feel vulnerable or depressed or dependent. i want to appreciate everything i experience so why is it so hard for me to do that? why cant i? i dont think i'll ever be done wondering why its so hard for me to be happy.
Maybe we like the pain. Maybe we're wired that way. Because without it, I don't know; maybe we just wouldn't feel real. What's that saying? Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop.
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
Step outside and listen.
As you cut through the tension,
the world is crumbling down around you-it's found you.
When you woke up yesterday,
there was nothing left for me to say to you
because you wanted me to be true.
When all you feel is pain,
and somehow things have changed I'll be coming home to you.
When I forgot to call,
you knew it all,
it was coming down on you.
Will you still be waiting,
that's something I can't ask you to be.
Will you be still waiting for me?
I'm waiting for you and something is wrong,
but I just can't put my finger on it.
You never listened and you'll never listen now,
you know what I'm about,
but is that sufficient?
Do you hear the words I say?
It hurts when you talk that way.
You say you'll listen cause you'd like to live together lives...
How can you say that I'm supposed to stay when you talk on to me that way?
Oh come on.
I can't see what's supposed to be,
but if you trust me it might turn ok.
What are you gonna say?
As you cut through the tension,
the world is crumbling down around you-it's found you.
When you woke up yesterday,
there was nothing left for me to say to you
because you wanted me to be true.
When all you feel is pain,
and somehow things have changed I'll be coming home to you.
When I forgot to call,
you knew it all,
it was coming down on you.
Will you still be waiting,
that's something I can't ask you to be.
Will you be still waiting for me?
I'm waiting for you and something is wrong,
but I just can't put my finger on it.
You never listened and you'll never listen now,
you know what I'm about,
but is that sufficient?
Do you hear the words I say?
It hurts when you talk that way.
You say you'll listen cause you'd like to live together lives...
How can you say that I'm supposed to stay when you talk on to me that way?
Oh come on.
I can't see what's supposed to be,
but if you trust me it might turn ok.
What are you gonna say?
Monday, December 05, 2005
remember when your grandpa died and i wanted to go to the funeral or wake and you said you didnt want any of your friends there. Then matt called while i was at your house and you gave him directions?
Do you remember that? Because i remembered that last night and realized no one who really loves me would ever do that to me.
So next time you're wondering why i wont give you another chance, you can remember that.
Do you remember that? Because i remembered that last night and realized no one who really loves me would ever do that to me.
So next time you're wondering why i wont give you another chance, you can remember that.
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
I'm so pissed off and sad. You make me so upset and i don't even know what it is. Just talking to you gets me really upset. and i should be studying for a test i have tomorrow morning but now i cant because i cant stop thinking and being upset. god you dont get it. you cant just have everything your way.
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
today i studied.
I like Rilo Kiley.
I drank a starbucks double shot and was able to stay awake through history.
I miss soccer. I like to read books. My mom sent me a package and hopefully ill get it tomorrow. Packages on my legs and my arms for you. packages packages packages.
today i dwelled on keiko for at least an hour total if you add all the little comments together. Maybe i should just get over it. What pisses me off is that shes the one who fucked up (literally) and now she doesn't even care about the friendship. like at all. like she has totally moved on completely. and thats a little annoying to me. i considered her my best friend and now what the fuck. whatever. im done with that for the night
In other news: I still cant stand my roommate. and i hate Syracuse just as much as i did the moment i stepped foot on this campus. I'm scared to visit wellesley because i don't want to jynx it. OKay if my roommate wouldn't eat nasty food in my room every god damned day for every goddamned meal maybe things would be different. oh wait no they wouldnt because shes still an idiot.
I need to write to post secret.
I like Rilo Kiley.
I drank a starbucks double shot and was able to stay awake through history.
I miss soccer. I like to read books. My mom sent me a package and hopefully ill get it tomorrow. Packages on my legs and my arms for you. packages packages packages.
today i dwelled on keiko for at least an hour total if you add all the little comments together. Maybe i should just get over it. What pisses me off is that shes the one who fucked up (literally) and now she doesn't even care about the friendship. like at all. like she has totally moved on completely. and thats a little annoying to me. i considered her my best friend and now what the fuck. whatever. im done with that for the night
In other news: I still cant stand my roommate. and i hate Syracuse just as much as i did the moment i stepped foot on this campus. I'm scared to visit wellesley because i don't want to jynx it. OKay if my roommate wouldn't eat nasty food in my room every god damned day for every goddamned meal maybe things would be different. oh wait no they wouldnt because shes still an idiot.
I need to write to post secret.
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
Saturday, October 08, 2005
"you need to know this even if you dont want to hear it...im sorry for keeping you from the person you wanted to be when you were with me. im sorry for always holding you back. im sorry for never opening my eyes until now. im sorry for not always going to the movies with you. im sorry for not being with you sooner when i was with angela. im sorry for treating you horribly when i was with her. im sorry for sleeping in that one day during the summer of sophomore year. im sorry for not being able to give you the freedom you needed until now. im sorry for making you read this and making you feel bad. im sorry in general for being too late. and i mean everything i just typed. i truly do."
Its okay.
Its okay.
Thursday, September 29, 2005
steve you drive me fucking crazy and if you think fucking around with other girls is the way to win my heart, you are in for quite a shock. so go ahead and do whatever you want. i need you to understand us notbeing together has nothing to do with love, because i love you. you know i do. but it can't work with us. its too stressful and its not rewarding to either of us. its draining and hard and we shouldnt be in relationships like that ever, let alone when we're 18. so i;m sorry. i would hate to think of you with someone else and thats what makes this ending so hard. knowing that eventually we will both move on. its hard to imagine right now, but when i do, i get really upset. like when you dated angela. i just about died. i know youll probably mess around with a lot of people to get over me or something liek that. i dont plan on doing that. its not how i deal with my issues. i dont know what to say to you anymore. im crying just thinking about it. its crazy that this is happening but it was bound to happen someday. i know you love me and you always will and i want you to know that i will always love you, and i will carry a piece of you with me forever. i wish you nothing but happiness in the future and i hope you find someone who can give you the relationship that you deserve. you were my best friend for 3 years and ill never forget that. we had a once in a lifetime bond and i know you'll think of me on random days for no apparent reason at all. and i want you to know that i will be doing the same.
all my love
and all my heart
forever yours
audrey
all my love
and all my heart
forever yours
audrey
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
Friday, July 01, 2005
xX Red : Anger Xx
are you currently mad at someone? yes
which of your friends has the worst temper? steve
whats the meanest thing you've ever done? eh i dont know. ive done a lot
have you ever thrown something at anyone? Yes
does your face turn red when your angry? No
when you're mad do you prefer to stare angrily or yell and scream? yell and scream
xX Orange : Excitement Xx
has anyone ever threw you a suprise party? yes! when i turned 15!
are you easily excited? yes
what event is coming up that your most excited about? Crab Lake
which of your friends is most exciteable? Joanna i think
If you won a million dollars what would be your first thought? "awesome"
If you could have anything right now what would it be? A swimming pool in my backyard and a badass speedboat for the lake.
xX Yellow : self discovery Xx
Full Name? Audrey Claire Billhymer
Where were you born? Hoffman Estates
Whats your main goal in life? To love my job
What do you value more friends or family? family because they won't try to get your boyfriend to cheat on you with them
Do you want to have children? Yes
How do you want to die? peacefully
xX Green : Opinions Xx
Sex before marriage? why not?
Gay Marriage? i'm down with it
Lowering the drinking age? no people are too stupid
Capital Punishment? Nooo
Abortion? Prolife
Recycling? definitely! it rocks! haha
xX Blue : Dreams Xx
What was your latest dream? i dont remember.
Which of your friends do you dream about the most? steve
Have any of your dreams come true? no, thank god, they are fucked up
Do you usually remember your dreams? i remember vague ideas
What was the weirdest dream you've ever had? like wheeling myself around Frost in a computer chair... it was weirder than it sounds... i think...
What was the best dream? i dont remember
xX Purple : Love Xx
Straight, Gay, Bi? Straight
Do you have a boyfriend? yes
Do you have a crush? on steve
Who was your first kiss with? that Vince guy from Forsworn. haha no really it was. 6th grade.
Who is the best "hugger" that you know? hmmm matt probably
Do you believe in Love at first sight? maybe
are you currently mad at someone? yes
which of your friends has the worst temper? steve
whats the meanest thing you've ever done? eh i dont know. ive done a lot
have you ever thrown something at anyone? Yes
does your face turn red when your angry? No
when you're mad do you prefer to stare angrily or yell and scream? yell and scream
xX Orange : Excitement Xx
has anyone ever threw you a suprise party? yes! when i turned 15!
are you easily excited? yes
what event is coming up that your most excited about? Crab Lake
which of your friends is most exciteable? Joanna i think
If you won a million dollars what would be your first thought? "awesome"
If you could have anything right now what would it be? A swimming pool in my backyard and a badass speedboat for the lake.
xX Yellow : self discovery Xx
Full Name? Audrey Claire Billhymer
Where were you born? Hoffman Estates
Whats your main goal in life? To love my job
What do you value more friends or family? family because they won't try to get your boyfriend to cheat on you with them
Do you want to have children? Yes
How do you want to die? peacefully
xX Green : Opinions Xx
Sex before marriage? why not?
Gay Marriage? i'm down with it
Lowering the drinking age? no people are too stupid
Capital Punishment? Nooo
Abortion? Prolife
Recycling? definitely! it rocks! haha
xX Blue : Dreams Xx
What was your latest dream? i dont remember.
Which of your friends do you dream about the most? steve
Have any of your dreams come true? no, thank god, they are fucked up
Do you usually remember your dreams? i remember vague ideas
What was the weirdest dream you've ever had? like wheeling myself around Frost in a computer chair... it was weirder than it sounds... i think...
What was the best dream? i dont remember
xX Purple : Love Xx
Straight, Gay, Bi? Straight
Do you have a boyfriend? yes
Do you have a crush? on steve
Who was your first kiss with? that Vince guy from Forsworn. haha no really it was. 6th grade.
Who is the best "hugger" that you know? hmmm matt probably
Do you believe in Love at first sight? maybe
Sunday, May 22, 2005
I don't want to go to syracuse by myself. i don't want to start over. i don't want to be the only person i know there. i don't want to be myself. i don't want to hate where i am. i don't want to let go of this relationship. i don't want to suffer through not knowing what is going to happen. i dont want to listen to everyone telling me its not going to work. i dont want to hear about peoples problems. i dont want to go on pretending im so compassionate. i dont want to spend time with anyone but steve and keiko and a few select others. i dont want them to go to school so far away from me. i dont want to be 860 miles away from steve. i dont want people to keep telling me that my college experience will be "what i make of it" and that it doesnt matter where i go. i dont want people to sound somewhat put out when i say im going to syracuse. i dont want my family to be more excited about my best friend going to brown than me going to syracuse, granted it is more exciting. I dont want to keep not wanting things.
I want to live more, i want to laugh more, i want to take things less seriously. i want to be less emotional. i want to be on my own. i want to decorate my dorm. i want to meet my room mate. i want to have a good time at college. i want steve and keiko to have a good time at college. i want to get cool stuff to bring to college. i want this relationship to work. i want everything to work out. i want to be happy where i am. i want to carry mase with me nexxt year. i want to learn to paint. I want to go to the beach this summer. I want to go to Crab Lake. I want another puppy. I want to read more books (all the classics). I want to write steve and keiko emails everyday next year. I want to be optimistic about my future. i want to figure out what i want to do with my life. i want to have fun this summer. I want to stop thinking about college.
I want to live more, i want to laugh more, i want to take things less seriously. i want to be less emotional. i want to be on my own. i want to decorate my dorm. i want to meet my room mate. i want to have a good time at college. i want steve and keiko to have a good time at college. i want to get cool stuff to bring to college. i want this relationship to work. i want everything to work out. i want to be happy where i am. i want to carry mase with me nexxt year. i want to learn to paint. I want to go to the beach this summer. I want to go to Crab Lake. I want another puppy. I want to read more books (all the classics). I want to write steve and keiko emails everyday next year. I want to be optimistic about my future. i want to figure out what i want to do with my life. i want to have fun this summer. I want to stop thinking about college.
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
Saturday, April 02, 2005
Your love is better than ice cream.
Happy birthday, my little bindlestiffing sniggler. I've cooked you a fresh eel and tramp.
I love you oh so well. Like a kid loves candy and fresh snow.
Thanks DMB.
Bring on the porn and cigars... and... lotion?
Lets golf all summer. I'm really going to a Pro this time.
Happy birthday, my little bindlestiffing sniggler. I've cooked you a fresh eel and tramp.
I love you oh so well. Like a kid loves candy and fresh snow.
Thanks DMB.
Bring on the porn and cigars... and... lotion?
Lets golf all summer. I'm really going to a Pro this time.
Saturday, March 26, 2005
Sunday, March 20, 2005
On the way home, this car hears my confessions.
I think tonight I'll take the long way.
In this weather, the wind outside is biting.
It's left me feeling tired and exposed.
You've been asking me to bleed.
It seems these kinds of questions, they come too easy to you now.
And your lack of shame comes naturally.
I should not be surprised. I should have seen it sooner.
Expect me to apologize for things that you've done wrong.
But you're inciting others.
You're owning up to nothing and I wish that I was gone,
cause you're not going anywhere.
And this damp air it's fighting my defroster.
My sighs they ring victorious and fog this tinted glass.
And it's clouded and so is my head.
The hint of these new tears are sharp I try to choke them back.
But it's useless. I am useless against them.
They are beating me with ease.
I think tonight I'll take the long way.
In this weather, the wind outside is biting.
It's left me feeling tired and exposed.
You've been asking me to bleed.
It seems these kinds of questions, they come too easy to you now.
And your lack of shame comes naturally.
I should not be surprised. I should have seen it sooner.
Expect me to apologize for things that you've done wrong.
But you're inciting others.
You're owning up to nothing and I wish that I was gone,
cause you're not going anywhere.
And this damp air it's fighting my defroster.
My sighs they ring victorious and fog this tinted glass.
And it's clouded and so is my head.
The hint of these new tears are sharp I try to choke them back.
But it's useless. I am useless against them.
They are beating me with ease.
Monday, March 14, 2005
I always bend to meet your expecations. My back is hurting not just from that but from where you stabbed me. You were never really my friend, i see it clearer now. People don't treat people the way you've treated me, its not even human let alone friendly. Love is patient and love is kind, why don't you read corrintheans and rethink your so-called love. because over here in my so-called life, its tiring chasing you around or running from you. I gave you everything i had, including my heart and there are only so many times that i'm willing to lay everything down knowing all the while that i'm going to end up hurt. You tell me i'm selfish. well this is me saying i'm not. this is me saying that for once in my life i'm putting myself in front of you. For once i'm thinking of whats in my best interest. for once i'm living for me and not for you. i'm not going to sit here and tell you i hate you because that's not true. I love you and always will. but i'm never coming back. and i'm sorry if it takes you this long to realize everything, and in a way im more sorry if you never realize it. but the cycle of abuse has got to end and youre not going to be the one to stop it. so live your life and i'll live mine. and you're right, you are an asshole. but you don't care enough to change. and as much as i'd like to be, i refuse to be friends with assholes. and i guess in the grand scheme of things, 2 years isn't really that much time. i've been stalled for months waiting as patiently as i could all the while dying on the inside and you call me selfish. its just not worth it so this time im walking away and i'm never going to turn around.
What have i become? Truth is, nothing yet. A simple mistake starts the hardest time.
What have i become? Truth is, nothing yet. A simple mistake starts the hardest time.
Saturday, March 12, 2005
I'm listening to the ataris and this must mean an all time low. When im depressed i shop and my wallet knows no bounds.
"2000 miles between us and I guess that I'm the one to blame. relationships and heartaches, these two things are one and the same. the radio plays a love song. I smash my fist right through the dial. here's to the broken hearted. a generation born in denial."
I'm commited to insecurity and you. and love is overated. it leaves you devastated- heart ripped in two."
I'm sorry but i can't talk to you anymore. I'm on detox.
"2000 miles between us and I guess that I'm the one to blame. relationships and heartaches, these two things are one and the same. the radio plays a love song. I smash my fist right through the dial. here's to the broken hearted. a generation born in denial."
I'm commited to insecurity and you. and love is overated. it leaves you devastated- heart ripped in two."
I'm sorry but i can't talk to you anymore. I'm on detox.
I'm listening to the ataris and this must mean an all time low. When im depressed i shop and my wallet knows no bounds.
"2000 miles between us and I guess that I'm the one to blame. relationships and heartaches, these two things are one and the same. the radio plays a love song. I smash my fist right through the dial. here's to the broken hearted. a generation born in denial."
I'm commited to insecurity and you. and love is overated. it leaves you devastated- heart ripped in two."
I'm sorry but i can't talk to you anymore. I'm on detox.
"2000 miles between us and I guess that I'm the one to blame. relationships and heartaches, these two things are one and the same. the radio plays a love song. I smash my fist right through the dial. here's to the broken hearted. a generation born in denial."
I'm commited to insecurity and you. and love is overated. it leaves you devastated- heart ripped in two."
I'm sorry but i can't talk to you anymore. I'm on detox.
Tuesday, March 08, 2005
Saturday, February 26, 2005
Sunday, February 20, 2005
Friday, February 11, 2005
Thursday, February 10, 2005
Wednesday, February 09, 2005
You take me for granted. Stephen.
What have I done? It's too late for that
What have I become? Truth is nothing yet
A simple mistake starts the hardest time
I promise i'll do anything you ask, this time.
I cant continue this way. Its breaking my heart and its ruining a friendship. You can call me when you want to be friends again, if you want to be friends again. But make sure you mean it.
What have I done? It's too late for that
What have I become? Truth is nothing yet
A simple mistake starts the hardest time
I promise i'll do anything you ask, this time.
I cant continue this way. Its breaking my heart and its ruining a friendship. You can call me when you want to be friends again, if you want to be friends again. But make sure you mean it.
You take me for granted. Stephen.
What have I done? It's too late for that
What have I become? Truth is nothing yet
A simple mistake starts the hardest time
I promise i'll do anything you ask, this time.
I cant continue this way. Its breaking my heart and its ruining a friendship. You can call me when you want to be friends again, if you want to be friends again. But make sure you mean it.
What have I done? It's too late for that
What have I become? Truth is nothing yet
A simple mistake starts the hardest time
I promise i'll do anything you ask, this time.
I cant continue this way. Its breaking my heart and its ruining a friendship. You can call me when you want to be friends again, if you want to be friends again. But make sure you mean it.
Tuesday, February 08, 2005
Sunday, February 06, 2005
I am almost confident that steve could answer 95% of these questions correctly. With that being said, here is another pointless survey.
What is your full name: Audrey Claire Billhymer
Spell your first name backwards: Yerdua
Date of birth: 2.14.87
Male or female: female
Astrological sign: aquarius
Nicknames: Aud...
Occupation: professional menace to society. haha
Height: 5'8-9
Weight: Last year in gym i was about 145 so we'll just say that
Hair color: light brown
Eye color: blue
Where were you born: hoffman estates
Where do you reside now: schaumburg
Age: 17 for one more week!
Screen names: deerbandits
E-mail addy: staticprevails72@yahoo.com
What does your screen name stand for: hahahaha. long story and inside joke with my mom and courtney from washington dc/virginia. "the bandits probably punched it out." "oh, deer!"
Pets: Baby Axle!
Number of candles you blew out on your last birthday cake: 17
Piercings: well... i guess 2 in each ear. i just repierce them for dances.
Tattoos: i don't have any. Amor Vincit Omnia.
Shoe size: 9.5
Righty or lefty: righty
Wearing: woodland animal pants with soffe shorts and foo fighters t-shirt with ae green fleece
Hearing: At the Drive-In
Feeling: tired
Eating/drinking: nothing but im thirsty
Guys/Girls/Love/Kissing/And Other Stuff
Have you ever been in love: yes
How many people have you said it to: id say 4
How many people have you been in REAL love with: 2
How many people have you kissed: um. like 8-9? a normal amount? right?
Have you ever kissed someone of the same sex: yes
How many people have you dated: id say like 5 really
What do you look for in a guy/girl: sense of humor, intelligence
What's the first thing you notice about the opposite sex: eyes
What type of guy/girl do you usually go for: The kind that don't stay
Do you have a crush right now: yeah
If so who is it: stephen
Do you believe in love at first sight: i guess its possible
Do you remember your first love: sure i do
Who is the first person you kissed: vince guiliano
Do you believe in fate: yeah
Do you believe in soul mates: yeah
If so do you believe you'll ever find yours: i hope so
Family Stuff
How many siblings do you have: 1 brother eric
What are your parents names: mark and linda
How many siblings does your mother have: 3
How many siblings does your father have: 2
Where are your parents from: Salt Lake City Utah and Janesville Wisconsin
Is your family close: Maybe i dont know
Does your family get together for holidays: yeah
Do you have a drunk uncle: no
Any medical problems run through your family: not really
Do you have any nieces or nephews: no
Are your parents divorced: no they are not
Do you have step parents: no
Has your family ever disowned another member of your family: no
Did some of your family come to America from another country: they did somewhere down the line, obviously.
Music Stuff
What song do you swear was written about you or your life: there are so many lol. Right now- Jimmy Eat World- Kill, but usually, Saves the Day- 3 miles down
What's the most embarrassing cd you own: i sort of like them all
What's the best cd you own: transatlantism
What song do you absolutely hate: eminems new songs
What song reminds you of that special someone: it seems like every song but Elvis- I can't help Falling in Love with You. Eric Clapton- Wonderful Tonight
Okay, I Name An Artist And You Give A Lyric From Any One Of Their Songs!
Pink: youre just like a pill instead of making me better you keep making me ill
Aerosmith: hey, j-j-j-aded you got your mommas smile but your yesterdays child to me
Madonna: hey mr. dj put a record on i wanna dance with my baby
Korn: im feeling like a freak on a leash, feeling like i have no release
Backstreet Boys: you are my fire, the one desire, believe me when i say that i want it that way. tell me why!!
The Beatles: baby you can drive my car i guess im gonna be a star baby you can drive my car and baby i love you
Sublime: mucho gusto me llamo bradley and i am hornier than ron jeremy
Favorites Color: green blue
Food: i hate this one its so hard. i just dont knwo right now
Song: Konstantine, weezer- say it ain't so, hey girl live.
Show: emergency vets
School subject: english
Band/singer/artist: saves the day
Animal: i love them all
Outfit: jeans and a hoodie preferably BC or RBF
Radio station: 97.1
Movie: The Princess Bride
Pair of shoes: birks
Cartoon: some weird japanese one that keiko watched
Actor: John Cusak
Actress: Natalie Portman and Scarlet Johansson
Potato chip: hmmm. lays definitely, no ridges!
Drink: strawberry kiwi gatorade
Soda: diet coke
Holiday: christmas
Perfume/cologne: anna sui- sui dreams
Pizza topping: almost all
Jello flavor: lime
Lunch meat: turkey
Card Game: spoons
Video game: DDR max 2!
Website: www.virginia.edu ha. hahaa.
Book: The Notebook, Fool on the Hill, Catcher in the Rye
Computer game: spider solitaire?
Number: 21
Cereal: oh's
Comedian: Brian Regan
Dessert: i love everything
Disney character: Lumiere and Clocksworth
Clothing store: American Eagle and Urban Outfitters
Past time: friends
Teacher: MADDOX!!!!!!!!!
Childhood toy: the doctor kit? or Sarah the doll.
Carnival game/ride: tilt-a-whirl
Candy bar: hmm almond joy
Magazine: i dont really read them... people?
Salad dressing: bleu cheese or... thousand island
Thing to do on the weekend: be with friends, i.e. keiko
Hot drink: lattes
Season: summer
Sport to watch: i know you'll think i'm lying, but, golf. it grew on me accidentally.
Person to talk to online: grant and dave are always funny
Your Bedroom/Sleeping Habits
What color are your sheets: light blue with weird flowers
What color are your bedroom walls: laguna blue
Do you have posters on your wall: Marilyn Monroe and a Kissing the War Goodbye
Do you have a tv in your bedroom: yea
How many pillows are on your bed: 3 if you count the weird little fish one
What do you normally sleep in: shorts and cami or pants and cami
Describe your favorite pair of pajamas: soffee shorts with old navy white cami
What size bed do you have: twin
Do you have a waterbed/bunkbed/daybed: pretty much normal
Do you have your own phone line in your bedroom: i used to but i never used it so no.
Describe the last nightmare you had: something to do with being late for school
Do you sleep with stuffed animals: not really, axle eats them
How many people can comfortably sleep comfortably in your bed: two if they spooned
Do you snore: no
How about drool: more than im really comfortable admitting
Do you have an alarm clock in your room: my tv is an alarm
What color is the carpet in your room: "cotton tail"
What's under your bed: drawers
This or that
loser/wannabe: loser
Doughnuts/bagels: bagel
Day/night: night
Make love/have sex: make love
Coffee/tea: coffee
Hamburgers/hotdogs: hamburger
Rap/rock: rock
Britney/Christina: britney lately
Swiss cheese/american cheese: american
Silver/gold: silver
Nike/Adidas: adidas 4lyfe!
McDonalds/Taco Bell: t-bell
Sweet/sour: sweet
Punk/emo: emo
Hot/cold: hot
Winter/summer: summer
Spring/fall: fall
Operas/plays: plays
Read/watch tv: read
Cd's/tapes: cds
Dvd's/vhs:dvd
Shorts/skirts: skirts
Pink/red: red
Colored pictures/black and white photos: depends. i like black and white though.
Meat/vegetables: vegetables
Mexican food/chinese food: mexican
Commercials/infomercials: commercials
Scary movies/comedies: comedies
Bikinis/one piece bathing suits: bikini
Sandals/tennis shoes: sandals
Dogs/cats: dogs
Water/land: water
Sugar/spice: hmmm right now im in the mood for sugar.
Black/white: white
Chicken/beef: chicken
Colored christmas lights/regular white christmas lights: regular/white
Cars/trucks: trucks
Popcorn/pretzels: pretzels with cream cheese
Passionate kiss/peck: passionate
Back rub/foot massage: back rub
Picture frames/photo albums: picture frames
Pens/pencils: pencil, mechanical pencil.
What Is Your Opinion Of The Following
Eminem: old stuff good
Virgins: are cool
God: is great
Religion: i have it
Valentine's Day: is my birthday
Homosexuals: are my friends.
Abortion: murder is wrong
Inter-racial relationships: why not
Murder: see abortion
Death: happens to everyone
Obesity: sucks for the most part
Pre-marital sex: i cant say right now
Terrorism: who likes it?
Pornography: whatever works
Fortune Tellers: illogical but i would believe them
Threesomes: i'm not feeling it
Prostitution: that doesn't sound hot either
Politics: are important
Country music: yes
George W. Bush: i will always vote the party. i love him.
Cloning: as conservative as i am, i think stem cell research is important.
Britney's boobs: are pretty perfect looking
Gas prices in America: it is what it is. i want a hybrid.
What is your full name: Audrey Claire Billhymer
Spell your first name backwards: Yerdua
Date of birth: 2.14.87
Male or female: female
Astrological sign: aquarius
Nicknames: Aud...
Occupation: professional menace to society. haha
Height: 5'8-9
Weight: Last year in gym i was about 145 so we'll just say that
Hair color: light brown
Eye color: blue
Where were you born: hoffman estates
Where do you reside now: schaumburg
Age: 17 for one more week!
Screen names: deerbandits
E-mail addy: staticprevails72@yahoo.com
What does your screen name stand for: hahahaha. long story and inside joke with my mom and courtney from washington dc/virginia. "the bandits probably punched it out." "oh, deer!"
Pets: Baby Axle!
Number of candles you blew out on your last birthday cake: 17
Piercings: well... i guess 2 in each ear. i just repierce them for dances.
Tattoos: i don't have any. Amor Vincit Omnia.
Shoe size: 9.5
Righty or lefty: righty
Wearing: woodland animal pants with soffe shorts and foo fighters t-shirt with ae green fleece
Hearing: At the Drive-In
Feeling: tired
Eating/drinking: nothing but im thirsty
Guys/Girls/Love/Kissing/And Other Stuff
Have you ever been in love: yes
How many people have you said it to: id say 4
How many people have you been in REAL love with: 2
How many people have you kissed: um. like 8-9? a normal amount? right?
Have you ever kissed someone of the same sex: yes
How many people have you dated: id say like 5 really
What do you look for in a guy/girl: sense of humor, intelligence
What's the first thing you notice about the opposite sex: eyes
What type of guy/girl do you usually go for: The kind that don't stay
Do you have a crush right now: yeah
If so who is it: stephen
Do you believe in love at first sight: i guess its possible
Do you remember your first love: sure i do
Who is the first person you kissed: vince guiliano
Do you believe in fate: yeah
Do you believe in soul mates: yeah
If so do you believe you'll ever find yours: i hope so
Family Stuff
How many siblings do you have: 1 brother eric
What are your parents names: mark and linda
How many siblings does your mother have: 3
How many siblings does your father have: 2
Where are your parents from: Salt Lake City Utah and Janesville Wisconsin
Is your family close: Maybe i dont know
Does your family get together for holidays: yeah
Do you have a drunk uncle: no
Any medical problems run through your family: not really
Do you have any nieces or nephews: no
Are your parents divorced: no they are not
Do you have step parents: no
Has your family ever disowned another member of your family: no
Did some of your family come to America from another country: they did somewhere down the line, obviously.
Music Stuff
What song do you swear was written about you or your life: there are so many lol. Right now- Jimmy Eat World- Kill, but usually, Saves the Day- 3 miles down
What's the most embarrassing cd you own: i sort of like them all
What's the best cd you own: transatlantism
What song do you absolutely hate: eminems new songs
What song reminds you of that special someone: it seems like every song but Elvis- I can't help Falling in Love with You. Eric Clapton- Wonderful Tonight
Okay, I Name An Artist And You Give A Lyric From Any One Of Their Songs!
Pink: youre just like a pill instead of making me better you keep making me ill
Aerosmith: hey, j-j-j-aded you got your mommas smile but your yesterdays child to me
Madonna: hey mr. dj put a record on i wanna dance with my baby
Korn: im feeling like a freak on a leash, feeling like i have no release
Backstreet Boys: you are my fire, the one desire, believe me when i say that i want it that way. tell me why!!
The Beatles: baby you can drive my car i guess im gonna be a star baby you can drive my car and baby i love you
Sublime: mucho gusto me llamo bradley and i am hornier than ron jeremy
Favorites Color: green blue
Food: i hate this one its so hard. i just dont knwo right now
Song: Konstantine, weezer- say it ain't so, hey girl live.
Show: emergency vets
School subject: english
Band/singer/artist: saves the day
Animal: i love them all
Outfit: jeans and a hoodie preferably BC or RBF
Radio station: 97.1
Movie: The Princess Bride
Pair of shoes: birks
Cartoon: some weird japanese one that keiko watched
Actor: John Cusak
Actress: Natalie Portman and Scarlet Johansson
Potato chip: hmmm. lays definitely, no ridges!
Drink: strawberry kiwi gatorade
Soda: diet coke
Holiday: christmas
Perfume/cologne: anna sui- sui dreams
Pizza topping: almost all
Jello flavor: lime
Lunch meat: turkey
Card Game: spoons
Video game: DDR max 2!
Website: www.virginia.edu ha. hahaa.
Book: The Notebook, Fool on the Hill, Catcher in the Rye
Computer game: spider solitaire?
Number: 21
Cereal: oh's
Comedian: Brian Regan
Dessert: i love everything
Disney character: Lumiere and Clocksworth
Clothing store: American Eagle and Urban Outfitters
Past time: friends
Teacher: MADDOX!!!!!!!!!
Childhood toy: the doctor kit? or Sarah the doll.
Carnival game/ride: tilt-a-whirl
Candy bar: hmm almond joy
Magazine: i dont really read them... people?
Salad dressing: bleu cheese or... thousand island
Thing to do on the weekend: be with friends, i.e. keiko
Hot drink: lattes
Season: summer
Sport to watch: i know you'll think i'm lying, but, golf. it grew on me accidentally.
Person to talk to online: grant and dave are always funny
Your Bedroom/Sleeping Habits
What color are your sheets: light blue with weird flowers
What color are your bedroom walls: laguna blue
Do you have posters on your wall: Marilyn Monroe and a Kissing the War Goodbye
Do you have a tv in your bedroom: yea
How many pillows are on your bed: 3 if you count the weird little fish one
What do you normally sleep in: shorts and cami or pants and cami
Describe your favorite pair of pajamas: soffee shorts with old navy white cami
What size bed do you have: twin
Do you have a waterbed/bunkbed/daybed: pretty much normal
Do you have your own phone line in your bedroom: i used to but i never used it so no.
Describe the last nightmare you had: something to do with being late for school
Do you sleep with stuffed animals: not really, axle eats them
How many people can comfortably sleep comfortably in your bed: two if they spooned
Do you snore: no
How about drool: more than im really comfortable admitting
Do you have an alarm clock in your room: my tv is an alarm
What color is the carpet in your room: "cotton tail"
What's under your bed: drawers
This or that
loser/wannabe: loser
Doughnuts/bagels: bagel
Day/night: night
Make love/have sex: make love
Coffee/tea: coffee
Hamburgers/hotdogs: hamburger
Rap/rock: rock
Britney/Christina: britney lately
Swiss cheese/american cheese: american
Silver/gold: silver
Nike/Adidas: adidas 4lyfe!
McDonalds/Taco Bell: t-bell
Sweet/sour: sweet
Punk/emo: emo
Hot/cold: hot
Winter/summer: summer
Spring/fall: fall
Operas/plays: plays
Read/watch tv: read
Cd's/tapes: cds
Dvd's/vhs:dvd
Shorts/skirts: skirts
Pink/red: red
Colored pictures/black and white photos: depends. i like black and white though.
Meat/vegetables: vegetables
Mexican food/chinese food: mexican
Commercials/infomercials: commercials
Scary movies/comedies: comedies
Bikinis/one piece bathing suits: bikini
Sandals/tennis shoes: sandals
Dogs/cats: dogs
Water/land: water
Sugar/spice: hmmm right now im in the mood for sugar.
Black/white: white
Chicken/beef: chicken
Colored christmas lights/regular white christmas lights: regular/white
Cars/trucks: trucks
Popcorn/pretzels: pretzels with cream cheese
Passionate kiss/peck: passionate
Back rub/foot massage: back rub
Picture frames/photo albums: picture frames
Pens/pencils: pencil, mechanical pencil.
What Is Your Opinion Of The Following
Eminem: old stuff good
Virgins: are cool
God: is great
Religion: i have it
Valentine's Day: is my birthday
Homosexuals: are my friends.
Abortion: murder is wrong
Inter-racial relationships: why not
Murder: see abortion
Death: happens to everyone
Obesity: sucks for the most part
Pre-marital sex: i cant say right now
Terrorism: who likes it?
Pornography: whatever works
Fortune Tellers: illogical but i would believe them
Threesomes: i'm not feeling it
Prostitution: that doesn't sound hot either
Politics: are important
Country music: yes
George W. Bush: i will always vote the party. i love him.
Cloning: as conservative as i am, i think stem cell research is important.
Britney's boobs: are pretty perfect looking
Gas prices in America: it is what it is. i want a hybrid.
Wednesday, February 02, 2005
Monday, January 31, 2005
Bright Eyes and now I understand. I feel worse but then I always can.
the kitchen is cold
but the coffee is warm
and the suns coming up
the day has just begun
and your already bored.
bored of cheering me up
bored of calming me down
bored of drying my eyes
but there once was a time when you were the one.
you were the blue of the sky
you came after the storm
you were the switch on the wall
in the dark of the hall
im still fumbling for.
cuz im lost in the black
i dont know where I am.
arms stretched out in front
im calling your name
just as loud as I can
I know theres words that we will never speak
and the questions cant be answered easily
but I wanted to be easy so
nod your head if the plans have changed
shake it, love, if they've stayed the same
smile at me and I will stay
start to cry and I'll go away
just please dont leave me guessing.
so you made me come
then you sent me away
like a messenger bird
so I circled the earth
blown away in the wind
but I always returned
with some new little song
some sad story to tell
of a breif love affair
with a girl I compared to you and she failed
you said you dont want me to beg
then you said get down on your knees
cuz you knew that I would
if I do any good satisfying your needs.
and I know all about those things we cannot speak
and just so you know well they dont bother me
so you dont have to be worried
just nod your head if the plans have changed
shake it, love, if they stayed the same
smile at me and I will stay
start to cry and I'll go away
just please dont keep me waiting
just nod your head if your mind's been changed
shake it, love, if some hope remains
just say the word and of course ill stay
roll your eyes and Ill go away
just please dont leave me guessing.
just please dont keep me waiting.
the kitchen is cold
but the coffee is warm
and the suns coming up
the day has just begun
and your already bored.
bored of cheering me up
bored of calming me down
bored of drying my eyes
but there once was a time when you were the one.
you were the blue of the sky
you came after the storm
you were the switch on the wall
in the dark of the hall
im still fumbling for.
cuz im lost in the black
i dont know where I am.
arms stretched out in front
im calling your name
just as loud as I can
I know theres words that we will never speak
and the questions cant be answered easily
but I wanted to be easy so
nod your head if the plans have changed
shake it, love, if they've stayed the same
smile at me and I will stay
start to cry and I'll go away
just please dont leave me guessing.
so you made me come
then you sent me away
like a messenger bird
so I circled the earth
blown away in the wind
but I always returned
with some new little song
some sad story to tell
of a breif love affair
with a girl I compared to you and she failed
you said you dont want me to beg
then you said get down on your knees
cuz you knew that I would
if I do any good satisfying your needs.
and I know all about those things we cannot speak
and just so you know well they dont bother me
so you dont have to be worried
just nod your head if the plans have changed
shake it, love, if they stayed the same
smile at me and I will stay
start to cry and I'll go away
just please dont keep me waiting
just nod your head if your mind's been changed
shake it, love, if some hope remains
just say the word and of course ill stay
roll your eyes and Ill go away
just please dont leave me guessing.
just please dont keep me waiting.
Sunday, January 30, 2005
Wednesday, January 26, 2005
Now that I've lost everything to you
You say you wanna start something new
And it's breaking my heart you're leaving
Baby, I'm grieving
But if you wanna leave, take good care
I hope you have a lot of nice things to wear
But then a lot of nice things turn bad out there
Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world
It's hard to get by just upon a smile
Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world
I'll always remember you like a child, girl
You know I've seen a lot of what the world can do
And it's breaking my heart in two
'Cause I never wanna see you a sad girl
Don't be a bad girl
But if you wanna leave, take good care
I hope you make a lot of nice friends out there
But just remember there's a lot of bad and beware
Baby, I love you
But if you wanna leave, take good care
I hope you make a lot of nice friends out there
But just remember there's a lot of bad and beware
You say you wanna start something new
And it's breaking my heart you're leaving
Baby, I'm grieving
But if you wanna leave, take good care
I hope you have a lot of nice things to wear
But then a lot of nice things turn bad out there
Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world
It's hard to get by just upon a smile
Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world
I'll always remember you like a child, girl
You know I've seen a lot of what the world can do
And it's breaking my heart in two
'Cause I never wanna see you a sad girl
Don't be a bad girl
But if you wanna leave, take good care
I hope you make a lot of nice friends out there
But just remember there's a lot of bad and beware
Baby, I love you
But if you wanna leave, take good care
I hope you make a lot of nice friends out there
But just remember there's a lot of bad and beware
Monday, January 24, 2005
Sunday, January 23, 2005
Since its really 1 in the morning im going to update about "last" night which was really tonight im also going to include things from yesterday which i still feel like is today. I want to write about this because im trying not to think about anything really emotionally draining. Its inevitable but right now i'm in denial. I'm going to start from the begining...
At 3 in the morning axle was crying, this was okay because i still hadn't gotten to sleep yet and i felt sick and animal planet was, for once in my life, not making anything better. I let axle outside and he came in and wouldn't let me wipe the snow off. so i chased him around the breakfast bar. thats actually a lie. i didn't. i don't know why i just said i did. i guess im trying to make it seem more interesting than it really was which was him jumping up and laying on the chair before i could get the snow off his feet. A few hours later I felt sick again and got up to find eric online and it 8 in the morning. I took 2 aleve and went back to sleep. I got up again at 1130 to go to cyndi and my mom had an envelope from Puget Sound...
It was neither an acceptance or rejection but simply them telling me they will let me know by mid march. awesome. except its not really because i dont want to go there. regardless i drove to cyndi in the snow and proceeded to explain my week and then she told me why i feel like i do and how to fix it. The solution was simple but i haven't done anything about it yet. I might just let it happen on its own because i have a feeling it will. After that i came home and sat in my room with absolutely no appetite. its been gone all week.
I watched the end of seabiscuit, the random middle of the bodyguard, and some newly weds. then i went to get coffee with brian. we talked for a few hours and i felt better about things and then i went home and had this weird experimental dinner that my mom made and then she didnt eat it because shes cleansing her intestines or something. it was okay but i felt sick before, while and after i ate it. either way, during the meal my princess showed up and we tried to think of something to do. it was hard. we didn't really want to hang out with anyone either so i suppose that made it more difficult. We rented the skulls and save the last dance. we bought tea and then made it. The Skulls made me want to go to UVA more and then get invited to join Seven (the coolest secret society ever). Keiko ruined Save the Last Dance because she kept making fun of Julia Stiles' moves.
Now im here sitting online and contemplating going to bed, staying online, or reading. if i go to bed, should i listen to my ipod or just go to sleep? if i listen to my ipod will i pick the slow songs that i know will make me cry? and the answer is yes but the follow up question is why? this answer i do not know. i suppose its because Atreyu just doesnt have that dreamy-sleep quality. har-dee-har-har. i do have atreyu on my iPod. along with Shakira and the Wicked soundtrack. i would like to consider myself musically diverse except i dont really like Atreyu. I still have it so that counts. or does it? i don't care. The local scene is a joke and the doors are classic. no offense to the "scene" or whatever but hey. i'm leaving this place in a few months. it doesnt matter if im going to colorado state or boston college. well... it does matter but i don't want to think about that right now.
Keiko i think you should know that it totally makes sense that no one talked to you at that show friday because youre just seriously, not hardcore enough. you and me can go to thrift stores and buy old shirts and guy pants and then make sure we make our belt buckles face backwards. That is pretty much the most impractical fashion ive ever seen catch on. but maybe then we will be appreciated for our APPARENT originality and seen for the hard core SONS OF BITCHES we really are. Either way keiko, youre just not cool and the fact that youre smart makes you even LESS hard core if you could possibly be it. youre just boring. boring old keiko with nothing but japan on her side.
Well i could fill books with my complaints of society but where would that get me if im not funny? man humor is just one of the greatest things. if you dont have it... well then you probably dont talk to me. i'll come back to this...
These are the things hanging on my desk board thing...
-pictures of:
February 14th is coming up... ya'll know what that means? happy fucking birthday audrey! and what else happens that day? oh what? valentine's day? well fuck it. Maybe this year ill have a heart shaped cake just to piss myself off. last year we went to medieval times and it was so awesome. our knight lost but he tossed me a flower. or tossed it and i got it. either way. what a party. this year all i want is a chocolate fountain. so im going to rent one and i dont even care if no one comes to enjoy it with me, i just want a chocolate fountain. Now im looking around my room and im annoyed because i dont really have much else to say. well thats not true. i just have too many thoughts to write them down. some are really lame and others inappropriate so i suppose this breathtakingly beautiful glimpse into my mind is drawing to a close. here ends the shooting of the proverbial shit. onto better and brighter things like methodical madness. and i just thought of Tony's shirt that says "rock that bass" and it has a picture of a fish on it. like a bass hahaha and i thought it was probably the funniest part of the macro final. really the only funny part. i love bass. and now i depart with keiko whispering dirty sweet nothings into my computer.
And hey Polonius- sorry but i dont agree that brevity is the soul of wit! so im glad hamlet stabs you! hey Shakes, you my soulmate.
Signing off,
AUDREY (in caps because im ready to carpe diem).
At 3 in the morning axle was crying, this was okay because i still hadn't gotten to sleep yet and i felt sick and animal planet was, for once in my life, not making anything better. I let axle outside and he came in and wouldn't let me wipe the snow off. so i chased him around the breakfast bar. thats actually a lie. i didn't. i don't know why i just said i did. i guess im trying to make it seem more interesting than it really was which was him jumping up and laying on the chair before i could get the snow off his feet. A few hours later I felt sick again and got up to find eric online and it 8 in the morning. I took 2 aleve and went back to sleep. I got up again at 1130 to go to cyndi and my mom had an envelope from Puget Sound...
It was neither an acceptance or rejection but simply them telling me they will let me know by mid march. awesome. except its not really because i dont want to go there. regardless i drove to cyndi in the snow and proceeded to explain my week and then she told me why i feel like i do and how to fix it. The solution was simple but i haven't done anything about it yet. I might just let it happen on its own because i have a feeling it will. After that i came home and sat in my room with absolutely no appetite. its been gone all week.
I watched the end of seabiscuit, the random middle of the bodyguard, and some newly weds. then i went to get coffee with brian. we talked for a few hours and i felt better about things and then i went home and had this weird experimental dinner that my mom made and then she didnt eat it because shes cleansing her intestines or something. it was okay but i felt sick before, while and after i ate it. either way, during the meal my princess showed up and we tried to think of something to do. it was hard. we didn't really want to hang out with anyone either so i suppose that made it more difficult. We rented the skulls and save the last dance. we bought tea and then made it. The Skulls made me want to go to UVA more and then get invited to join Seven (the coolest secret society ever). Keiko ruined Save the Last Dance because she kept making fun of Julia Stiles' moves.
Now im here sitting online and contemplating going to bed, staying online, or reading. if i go to bed, should i listen to my ipod or just go to sleep? if i listen to my ipod will i pick the slow songs that i know will make me cry? and the answer is yes but the follow up question is why? this answer i do not know. i suppose its because Atreyu just doesnt have that dreamy-sleep quality. har-dee-har-har. i do have atreyu on my iPod. along with Shakira and the Wicked soundtrack. i would like to consider myself musically diverse except i dont really like Atreyu. I still have it so that counts. or does it? i don't care. The local scene is a joke and the doors are classic. no offense to the "scene" or whatever but hey. i'm leaving this place in a few months. it doesnt matter if im going to colorado state or boston college. well... it does matter but i don't want to think about that right now.
Keiko i think you should know that it totally makes sense that no one talked to you at that show friday because youre just seriously, not hardcore enough. you and me can go to thrift stores and buy old shirts and guy pants and then make sure we make our belt buckles face backwards. That is pretty much the most impractical fashion ive ever seen catch on. but maybe then we will be appreciated for our APPARENT originality and seen for the hard core SONS OF BITCHES we really are. Either way keiko, youre just not cool and the fact that youre smart makes you even LESS hard core if you could possibly be it. youre just boring. boring old keiko with nothing but japan on her side.
Well i could fill books with my complaints of society but where would that get me if im not funny? man humor is just one of the greatest things. if you dont have it... well then you probably dont talk to me. i'll come back to this...
These are the things hanging on my desk board thing...
-pictures of:
- Keiko and Stephen from sophomore year hahahahaha
- My mom and my aunt when they were little
- My dad waterskiing like 20 years ago at crab lake
- My mom when she was like 10
- Axle the second day we got him
- My brother and me on halloween when i was like 6.
- Me holding Danni (jeremys dog) sophomore year
- Me holding a huge tadpole at crab lake
- Me, Court and my cousin Dan in Central Park
- Justin's senior pic from 2 years ago
- Carter holding axle
- Me court and Stephen on my 17th birthday
- A blue butterfly i bought in portland and named Dave (after Dave tesnow)
- A marshalls name tag (RIP)
- A freshman letter for soccer. 2005 saxons! hahahahaha
- A weird hawaiin skull thing that is supposed to be good luck
- A fortune cookie fortune "The color red will be important to you." It ended up having to do with prom, which was cool.
- A "Prom Court 2004" Sash. I wasnt even prom court! i just rock that hard.
- A ticket from the Manet and the Sea exhibit from the art institute. I went with my mom, brother eric and steve hahahaha. it was definitely awesome. eric got yelled at by security. they were probably prejudice against people with webs. ahhahahaha.
February 14th is coming up... ya'll know what that means? happy fucking birthday audrey! and what else happens that day? oh what? valentine's day? well fuck it. Maybe this year ill have a heart shaped cake just to piss myself off. last year we went to medieval times and it was so awesome. our knight lost but he tossed me a flower. or tossed it and i got it. either way. what a party. this year all i want is a chocolate fountain. so im going to rent one and i dont even care if no one comes to enjoy it with me, i just want a chocolate fountain. Now im looking around my room and im annoyed because i dont really have much else to say. well thats not true. i just have too many thoughts to write them down. some are really lame and others inappropriate so i suppose this breathtakingly beautiful glimpse into my mind is drawing to a close. here ends the shooting of the proverbial shit. onto better and brighter things like methodical madness. and i just thought of Tony's shirt that says "rock that bass" and it has a picture of a fish on it. like a bass hahaha and i thought it was probably the funniest part of the macro final. really the only funny part. i love bass. and now i depart with keiko whispering dirty sweet nothings into my computer.
And hey Polonius- sorry but i dont agree that brevity is the soul of wit! so im glad hamlet stabs you! hey Shakes, you my soulmate.
Signing off,
AUDREY (in caps because im ready to carpe diem).
Saturday, January 22, 2005
City on Down- Hello 2005- and always, SARDINES.
I think today is the begining of the rest of my life and i'm going to make it and i'm going to make it on my own. Its time for me to start living. I can't base my happiness on the status of our relationship- I know now. So no more worrying because I believe in myself this time. And its not about "us." its about "you" and "me." I realize this now. and I am sincerely happy for you. Best wishes to you in the near future if we don't keep our friendship up as much as we both want to. Honestly, I'm ready to be myself again. This bitter mess is not who I enjoy being.
"If this is what will really make you happy.. then I say we'll be old enough to know better, young enough to pretend. This is the last of my letters until I see you again."- Get Up Kids
Love,
Audrey
"you act like you don't know me.
you act like you cant see me.
i just wish you would show me
that you'll be right on my time.
I know you're kind of busy these days
its been a day but i haven't heard you call
i'd climb a mountain just to get a better view of you
but i'll never ask again."
-OAR
I think today is the begining of the rest of my life and i'm going to make it and i'm going to make it on my own. Its time for me to start living. I can't base my happiness on the status of our relationship- I know now. So no more worrying because I believe in myself this time. And its not about "us." its about "you" and "me." I realize this now. and I am sincerely happy for you. Best wishes to you in the near future if we don't keep our friendship up as much as we both want to. Honestly, I'm ready to be myself again. This bitter mess is not who I enjoy being.
"If this is what will really make you happy.. then I say we'll be old enough to know better, young enough to pretend. This is the last of my letters until I see you again."- Get Up Kids
Love,
Audrey
"you act like you don't know me.
you act like you cant see me.
i just wish you would show me
that you'll be right on my time.
I know you're kind of busy these days
its been a day but i haven't heard you call
i'd climb a mountain just to get a better view of you
but i'll never ask again."
-OAR
Friday, January 21, 2005
Tonight could have been bad. but it ended up being okay. Keiko is my better half. even though shes sort of creepy. hahahahah. ohh. nothing much to say except i've got Patsy Cline in my head and a pain in my heart.
"It is difficult to know at what moment love begins; it is less difficult to know that it has begun."- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
"It is difficult to know at what moment love begins; it is less difficult to know that it has begun."- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
Thursday, January 20, 2005
I should be studying for Spanish or Bio but instead i'm here listening to Sublime and feeling okay. today strock and lauren talked to me for about an hour after practice. I dont know. Strock is scared that Drama is going to be really weird. i sort of forgot about it but i still think it will be okay. Do you?
You know what? the next time you see NICK well tell him im going to stick some needles in his face and watch him on his knees. watch him when he sees that im not foolin. cause im through being cool and he keeps telling everyone about me. yeah like how im such a fool. and oh that im so deceptive. NICK WHY ARE YOU SUCH A PRICK? WHY DONT YOU JUST WALLOW IN THE HOPES THAT MAKE OF THIS REALITY. THE WORLD IS WHAT YOU MADE IT AND I DONT WANT A PART OF IT.
You know what? the next time you see NICK well tell him im going to stick some needles in his face and watch him on his knees. watch him when he sees that im not foolin. cause im through being cool and he keeps telling everyone about me. yeah like how im such a fool. and oh that im so deceptive. NICK WHY ARE YOU SUCH A PRICK? WHY DONT YOU JUST WALLOW IN THE HOPES THAT MAKE OF THIS REALITY. THE WORLD IS WHAT YOU MADE IT AND I DONT WANT A PART OF IT.
Well I can hardly wait until I get the sun and your lips both pressing on my skin
Well I can hardly wait until I feel that thrill my heart that starts inside your eyes
Today the finals were okay. i managed to pull off an A in health. i'll give myself a pat on the back for that one. Play practice doesnt start till 3 which is lame. I knew how to do more on the calc final than i thought i did. tomorrow is spanish and bio. SWEET. haha. no. i have to study for bio a lot still. Last night i worked out with keiko and i have to say- thank you lovely for making me laugh MUCHO! har-dee-har-har. Today is an alkaline trio day. if that wasnt obvious. So i have a new goal for myself since its hard to live without having these stupid little goals. Right now my goal is to appreciate my friends. My long term goal is to be happy with myself. someday i'll get there. enough of this sappy shit. sardines here. sardines there. I have a feeling i'm not going to stop laughing at play practice. i hate that. tee hee hee.
You’re the only place in my heart I call home.
Fatally yours,
Audrey!
It's nothing I'll forget when the moon gets tired
You are stuck to me everyday
Believe in what I am because it's all I have today
And tomorrow who knows where we'll be
From here I can hardly see a thing
But I will follow anyone who brings me to you
For now, forever, for on and on and on
Well I can hardly wait until I feel that thrill my heart that starts inside your eyes
Today the finals were okay. i managed to pull off an A in health. i'll give myself a pat on the back for that one. Play practice doesnt start till 3 which is lame. I knew how to do more on the calc final than i thought i did. tomorrow is spanish and bio. SWEET. haha. no. i have to study for bio a lot still. Last night i worked out with keiko and i have to say- thank you lovely for making me laugh MUCHO! har-dee-har-har. Today is an alkaline trio day. if that wasnt obvious. So i have a new goal for myself since its hard to live without having these stupid little goals. Right now my goal is to appreciate my friends. My long term goal is to be happy with myself. someday i'll get there. enough of this sappy shit. sardines here. sardines there. I have a feeling i'm not going to stop laughing at play practice. i hate that. tee hee hee.
You’re the only place in my heart I call home.
Fatally yours,
Audrey!
It's nothing I'll forget when the moon gets tired
You are stuck to me everyday
Believe in what I am because it's all I have today
And tomorrow who knows where we'll be
From here I can hardly see a thing
But I will follow anyone who brings me to you
For now, forever, for on and on and on
Wednesday, January 19, 2005
And if i could sum it all up i'd say its difficult to put into words. its hard to understand exactly what i feel. i just know it won't go away. I'm switching temporarily to a plain template so i can look through archives.
How long will you wait for me to come around?
And wouldn't it be great if everything worked out?
I wouldn't come home late after hiding out.
I'd tell you everything.
Like how I couldn't live without you now.
How long will it take before I wake up unafraid to take you in my arms
and hold you like a lucky charm?
I know it's too late but wait for me to turn around.
I'm coming home so if you're leaving, walk slow.
All that I can ask is forgiveness for what's past.
You know who I am but will you know me in the end?
I know it's too late but wait for me to turn around.
I'm almost home so if you're leaving walk slow.
All that I can ask is forgiveness for what's past.
You know who I am, but will you know me in the end?
I know it's too late but wait for me to turn around.
I'm almost home, so if you're leaving, walk slow.
I know you're not waiting anymore and I'm not gonna change.
I try to reach you, to let you know, but I'm walking too slow.
Hey, how's your summer going?
It's good to see you again.
I'm gonna make a record so I never forget what it was I wrecked.
So tired of my mind.
You're a genius all the time.
The things that I can't say are all thinking me insane these days.
I know it's late.
How long will you wait for me to come around?
And wouldn't it be great if everything worked out?
I wouldn't come home late after hiding out.
I'd tell you everything.
Like how I couldn't live without you now.
How long will it take before I wake up unafraid to take you in my arms
and hold you like a lucky charm?
I know it's too late but wait for me to turn around.
I'm coming home so if you're leaving, walk slow.
All that I can ask is forgiveness for what's past.
You know who I am but will you know me in the end?
I know it's too late but wait for me to turn around.
I'm almost home so if you're leaving walk slow.
All that I can ask is forgiveness for what's past.
You know who I am, but will you know me in the end?
I know it's too late but wait for me to turn around.
I'm almost home, so if you're leaving, walk slow.
I know you're not waiting anymore and I'm not gonna change.
I try to reach you, to let you know, but I'm walking too slow.
Hey, how's your summer going?
It's good to see you again.
I'm gonna make a record so I never forget what it was I wrecked.
So tired of my mind.
You're a genius all the time.
The things that I can't say are all thinking me insane these days.
I know it's late.
Tuesday, January 18, 2005
And I'm trying to understand myself
And pinpoint where I am
By the time I get things figured out
I've change the whole damn plan
Oh noose I've tied myself in, tied myself too tight
Talking shit about a pretty sunset
Blanketing opinions that i'll probably regret soon
I've changed my mind so much I can't even trust it
My mind changed me so much I can't even trust myself.
And pinpoint where I am
By the time I get things figured out
I've change the whole damn plan
Oh noose I've tied myself in, tied myself too tight
Talking shit about a pretty sunset
Blanketing opinions that i'll probably regret soon
I've changed my mind so much I can't even trust it
My mind changed me so much I can't even trust myself.
Monday, January 17, 2005
you let me down I said it. now I'm going down and you're not even around.
Why?
Why?
Why?
Someone save me from myself.
I don't see you anymore.
I remember when you and me used to spend the whole god damned day in bed.
Are you ever sick of life? I am. I need to get away. I need to know. April is too far. Whats the point of going on pretending I don't care?
Why?
Why?
Why?
Someone save me from myself.
I don't see you anymore.
I remember when you and me used to spend the whole god damned day in bed.
Are you ever sick of life? I am. I need to get away. I need to know. April is too far. Whats the point of going on pretending I don't care?
You should know
Sometimes it's hard for me to show
My fears
But I'm never insincere
Don't turn away
From what you trusted yesterday
I'm still that person
That you can always depend on.
WHAT YOU HAVE IS NOT WHAT YOU ARE.
I'm so sad right now and i could never have predicted feeling this way. I just need to study.
I'm afraid that you've become everything that you had hated. I'm waiting for this to blow away. I heard you say your future is looking SO GREAT.
Sometimes it's hard for me to show
My fears
But I'm never insincere
Don't turn away
From what you trusted yesterday
I'm still that person
That you can always depend on.
WHAT YOU HAVE IS NOT WHAT YOU ARE.
I'm so sad right now and i could never have predicted feeling this way. I just need to study.
I'm afraid that you've become everything that you had hated. I'm waiting for this to blow away. I heard you say your future is looking SO GREAT.
I find out about Rice by Feb. 10th. I'm nervous. This weekend has been laid back. I liked it. Today I really have to study. I'm going out to lunch with Keiko... unless she gets hungry and eats beforehand.
I'm acting like the jealous ex-girlfriend and Im creeping myself out. OAR reminds me of driving down 59.
This may be the very minute I'm aware i'm alive...
This is the straw, final straw, in the roof of my mouth, as i lie to you. just because i'm sorry doesnt mean i didn't enjoy it at the time.
On friday keiko and i went to the IGNITE THE SKY and ELI show. I realize how lame that "scene" is. To think that i ever associated myself with it is slightly embarassing. I think the funniest part was the hardcore dancing/mosh? Everyone looked so angry. haha. oh well. Now that i've gone, its safe to say, i don't plan on going to any more of them. I mean i love mike, i'm just not cool enough to be a scenester. I'm not angry enough and i wear too much American Eagle and my hair is too... clean? and i don't have a kill hannah track jacket. needless to say, i'm quite a loser.
I love my dog!
love
Audrey
I'm acting like the jealous ex-girlfriend and Im creeping myself out. OAR reminds me of driving down 59.
This may be the very minute I'm aware i'm alive...
This is the straw, final straw, in the roof of my mouth, as i lie to you. just because i'm sorry doesnt mean i didn't enjoy it at the time.
On friday keiko and i went to the IGNITE THE SKY and ELI show. I realize how lame that "scene" is. To think that i ever associated myself with it is slightly embarassing. I think the funniest part was the hardcore dancing/mosh? Everyone looked so angry. haha. oh well. Now that i've gone, its safe to say, i don't plan on going to any more of them. I mean i love mike, i'm just not cool enough to be a scenester. I'm not angry enough and i wear too much American Eagle and my hair is too... clean? and i don't have a kill hannah track jacket. needless to say, i'm quite a loser.
I love my dog!
love
Audrey
Sunday, January 16, 2005
I don't know why I haven't updated in a while. Today I really have the WashU interview at 2:00. so from 11-1 I plan to shower and and study for bio. I need to get a B on the final. ahahahah.
I saw In Good Company and it was good but it didn't end the way I wanted it to. I'm sort of in a Pirats of the Carribbbabbebean mood. I need to get my costume for the play. We will probably go to the thrift stores sometime this week. Ugh. Oh well time to study.
*You want to fight for this love, but honey you cannot wrestle a dove.
I saw In Good Company and it was good but it didn't end the way I wanted it to. I'm sort of in a Pirats of the Carribbbabbebean mood. I need to get my costume for the play. We will probably go to the thrift stores sometime this week. Ugh. Oh well time to study.
*You want to fight for this love, but honey you cannot wrestle a dove.
Thursday, January 13, 2005
Am i the only one who isn't nervous about Noises Off? Maybe thats not a good sign. Tonight my mom said to me "why does all the weird stuff happen to you?"
well i dont know mom, im just weird. It makes me feel good when i can help eric with algebra, because i cant really help anyone with anything else.
Good Company comes out tomorroW!!!! weeeee! I'm goin to go read though.
OAR reminds me of summer.
well i dont know mom, im just weird. It makes me feel good when i can help eric with algebra, because i cant really help anyone with anything else.
Good Company comes out tomorroW!!!! weeeee! I'm goin to go read though.
OAR reminds me of summer.
Wednesday, January 12, 2005
Return to Sender
As the warm wind blows in it blankets my thoughts
I feel calm for once without any resolution
january nights have never been so concealing
of my thoughts dreams and desires
things not worth revealing
things for which there is no substitution
perhaps that is the closure ive long since needed
when the summer wind settles in again
so does my summer love, long since retreated
i feel like Prufrock in the shadow of a dream
i am no Ophelia! but i do share her pain
i read the classics but my thoughts won't change
the realness of my skewed perspective
leaves me torn between what is and what seems
pulling the shades can't make the view less strange
is this the fate to which we all are destined?
to live a life malled by love? lost and defective
when that summer wind settles in again
i wonder how soon its euphoria will end
what happens to feelings left unannounced
will they fade away if i pretend
or will they implode?
As the warm wind blows in it blankets my thoughts
I feel calm for once without any resolution
january nights have never been so concealing
of my thoughts dreams and desires
things not worth revealing
things for which there is no substitution
perhaps that is the closure ive long since needed
when the summer wind settles in again
so does my summer love, long since retreated
i feel like Prufrock in the shadow of a dream
i am no Ophelia! but i do share her pain
i read the classics but my thoughts won't change
the realness of my skewed perspective
leaves me torn between what is and what seems
pulling the shades can't make the view less strange
is this the fate to which we all are destined?
to live a life malled by love? lost and defective
when that summer wind settles in again
i wonder how soon its euphoria will end
what happens to feelings left unannounced
will they fade away if i pretend
or will they implode?
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
We Are Infinite.
It has come to my attention that Keiko knows all of my secrets. Pretty much any event in my life that has had any real weight (or just any event) has been described to her at length and probably multiple times. this is not a bad thing.
I would like a make a general announcement that gossip is from hell; though i do partake in it quite freely i, under no circumstances, feel it is appropriate to establish opinions of a person solely based on what someone else may or may not say. i work hard to place my friends in their best light, it would be unfair for anyone not to. we are all human and we are not perfect. we are not perfect friends and we are not perfect lovers but i would like to think that the people closest to me are as near perfect as possible, and i will never see them differently... unless they hurt my dog. everyone deserves a chance to be the kind of persont he/she deserves to be.
So though i claim to be a grammarian, i do occasionally end a sentense with a preposition. And i am okay with that.
on a side note: i'm through with this debating over whether or not we should be friends. its tiring and i feel it would be more productive to channel my energy elsewhere. regardless of the terms on which we end, i feel compelled to tell you that i do not speak ill of you and i expect the same decency and respect from you. if this seems impersonal it is because that is how i indended it to sound. i don't want to be a bitch. and i don't want to fight. If nothing else, i would genuinely appreciate civilty. (insert ...).
enough existentialism for one night.
audrey
It has come to my attention that Keiko knows all of my secrets. Pretty much any event in my life that has had any real weight (or just any event) has been described to her at length and probably multiple times. this is not a bad thing.
I would like a make a general announcement that gossip is from hell; though i do partake in it quite freely i, under no circumstances, feel it is appropriate to establish opinions of a person solely based on what someone else may or may not say. i work hard to place my friends in their best light, it would be unfair for anyone not to. we are all human and we are not perfect. we are not perfect friends and we are not perfect lovers but i would like to think that the people closest to me are as near perfect as possible, and i will never see them differently... unless they hurt my dog. everyone deserves a chance to be the kind of persont he/she deserves to be.
So though i claim to be a grammarian, i do occasionally end a sentense with a preposition. And i am okay with that.
on a side note: i'm through with this debating over whether or not we should be friends. its tiring and i feel it would be more productive to channel my energy elsewhere. regardless of the terms on which we end, i feel compelled to tell you that i do not speak ill of you and i expect the same decency and respect from you. if this seems impersonal it is because that is how i indended it to sound. i don't want to be a bitch. and i don't want to fight. If nothing else, i would genuinely appreciate civilty. (insert ...).
enough existentialism for one night.
audrey
Monday, January 10, 2005
"We do not believe in ourselves until someone reveals that deep inside us something is valuable, worth listening to, worthy of our trust, sacred to our touch. Once we believe in ourselves we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight or any experience that reveals the human spirit."
-e.e. cummings
Thank you, Ryan.
Today was pretty boring until health, then it got fun. Bio was okay. i didnt do extremely terribly on the genetics test so thats a plus. practice was alright except no one knew their lines. i thought people were okay but i guess not. i know i didn't know them as well as i should. i need to work on that tonight. In other news, the shoes i ordered from alloy.com still havent come. im getting anxious. my birthday is in just over a month. We are doing concessions for drama this friday and we found that out today. Tonight i plan to...
pity this busy monster,manunkind,
not. Progress is a comfortable disease:
your victum(death and life safely beyond)
plays with the bigness of his littleness
-electrons deify one razorblade
into a mountainrange;lenses extend
unwish through curving wherewhen until unwish
returns on its unself.
A world of made
is not a world of born-pity poor flesh
and trees,poor stars and stones, but never this
fine specimen of hypermagical
ultraomnipotence. We doctors know
a hopeless case if-listen:there's a hell
of a good universe next door;let's go
- e. e. cummings
-e.e. cummings
Thank you, Ryan.
Today was pretty boring until health, then it got fun. Bio was okay. i didnt do extremely terribly on the genetics test so thats a plus. practice was alright except no one knew their lines. i thought people were okay but i guess not. i know i didn't know them as well as i should. i need to work on that tonight. In other news, the shoes i ordered from alloy.com still havent come. im getting anxious. my birthday is in just over a month. We are doing concessions for drama this friday and we found that out today. Tonight i plan to...
- Look over Molecular genetics
- Read the poem for Lit
- Look at calculus? probably not
- Memorize lines
- Do activity 64 for macro
- DO LAUNDRY
pity this busy monster,manunkind,
not. Progress is a comfortable disease:
your victum(death and life safely beyond)
plays with the bigness of his littleness
-electrons deify one razorblade
into a mountainrange;lenses extend
unwish through curving wherewhen until unwish
returns on its unself.
A world of made
is not a world of born-pity poor flesh
and trees,poor stars and stones, but never this
fine specimen of hypermagical
ultraomnipotence. We doctors know
a hopeless case if-listen:there's a hell
of a good universe next door;let's go
- e. e. cummings
Sunday, January 09, 2005
Ode to Jets To Brazil
What’s best for everyone is bound to hurt somebody
What’s best for everyone is killing me
And I cried out your name because I loved the sound it made
and because I couldn't wait to see your face.
And nothing ever was the same.
And the stars say, "Look into my eyes."
But I can't change if it's only in my mind.
And I love you but I don't have the right.
And I wanted you so bad tonight.
there's an end but we don't get to choose. we can only lose.
if I cried a river just for you
would you swim in it some sunny afternoon?
All things that those who wait
Take time to find your way
Half the answers
Are failing your mistakes
Even when you’re wrong I think you’re great
now all these tastes improve
through the view that comes with you
like they handed me my life
for the first time it felt right
thank you for making me see there's a life in me
it was dying to get out
What’s best for everyone is bound to hurt somebody
What’s best for everyone is killing me
And I cried out your name because I loved the sound it made
and because I couldn't wait to see your face.
And nothing ever was the same.
And the stars say, "Look into my eyes."
But I can't change if it's only in my mind.
And I love you but I don't have the right.
And I wanted you so bad tonight.
there's an end but we don't get to choose. we can only lose.
if I cried a river just for you
would you swim in it some sunny afternoon?
All things that those who wait
Take time to find your way
Half the answers
Are failing your mistakes
Even when you’re wrong I think you’re great
now all these tastes improve
through the view that comes with you
like they handed me my life
for the first time it felt right
thank you for making me see there's a life in me
it was dying to get out
I am going to write 20 notecards that say why I should like myself. I have an interview with Wash U tomorrow, or today rather. I'm sort of nervous, but in a good way. Sometimes I regret the things I say, or I wish i had said them differently. I think i'm helping but im really not approaching the situation with the compassion and understanding i should. I realize this now in retrospect. keiko- im sorry i made you feel bad tonight. you're still my favorite latina. I'm also starting a new project called "think before i talk" and im trying as of right now to not be so over analytical. I get paranoid and ruin things. Positive and optimistic Audrey is coming soon. And now for your viewing pleasure, my 2 favorite verses to The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock by none other than our T.S.
Should I, after tea and cakes and ices,
Have the strength to force the moment to its crisis?
Bit though I have wept and fasted, wept and prayed,
Though I have seen my head (grown slightly bald) brought in upon a platter,
I am no prophet- and here's no great matter;
I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker,
And I have seen the eternal Footman hold my coat, and snicker,
And in short, I was afraid....
...No! I am not Prince Hamlet, nor was meant to be;
Am an attendant lord, one that will do
To swell a progress, start a scene or two,
Advise the prince; no doubt, and easy tool.
Deferential, glad to be of use,
Politic, cautious, and meticulous:
Full of high sentense, but a bit obtuse;
At times, indeed, almost ridiculous-
Almost, at times, the Fool.
Should I, after tea and cakes and ices,
Have the strength to force the moment to its crisis?
Bit though I have wept and fasted, wept and prayed,
Though I have seen my head (grown slightly bald) brought in upon a platter,
I am no prophet- and here's no great matter;
I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker,
And I have seen the eternal Footman hold my coat, and snicker,
And in short, I was afraid....
...No! I am not Prince Hamlet, nor was meant to be;
Am an attendant lord, one that will do
To swell a progress, start a scene or two,
Advise the prince; no doubt, and easy tool.
Deferential, glad to be of use,
Politic, cautious, and meticulous:
Full of high sentense, but a bit obtuse;
At times, indeed, almost ridiculous-
Almost, at times, the Fool.
Saturday, January 08, 2005
A Cure for Melancholy.
The irony in the world is unbelievable. Where is my T.S. Eliot? Its an unattainable dream I have to be chased after. Everything may look perfect from far away, but everything is really fucked up. I hope i slip and break my neck too. Let me never remember this feeling. Why is it when i want to think of something good, nothing comes to mind? now i'm complaining again and where is it getting me? i need to memorize my lines and axle has gross gas. So i guess ill see you around.
Here you can be anything and I think that scares you.
The irony in the world is unbelievable. Where is my T.S. Eliot? Its an unattainable dream I have to be chased after. Everything may look perfect from far away, but everything is really fucked up. I hope i slip and break my neck too. Let me never remember this feeling. Why is it when i want to think of something good, nothing comes to mind? now i'm complaining again and where is it getting me? i need to memorize my lines and axle has gross gas. So i guess ill see you around.
Here you can be anything and I think that scares you.
Thursday, January 06, 2005
Wednesday, January 05, 2005
Art thou less beautiful, or I more dull?
O Nature, once my passion and delight,
How shall I win thee? Is thy promise null?
Or have I forfeited my ancient right?
By me thy skiey splendours are unwatched,
By me thy changeful year unheeded flies,
Glories of sunrise, or of eve unmatched,--
Changes but new delights to lovers' eyes.
Time was, I thought, that thou to me hadst given
The dearest boon imparted from above,
The greener meadow and the bluer heaven,
With the deep heart of wonder and of love.
But now, the sharer of a common lot,
I only wonder that I wonder not.
O Nature, once my passion and delight,
How shall I win thee? Is thy promise null?
Or have I forfeited my ancient right?
By me thy skiey splendours are unwatched,
By me thy changeful year unheeded flies,
Glories of sunrise, or of eve unmatched,--
Changes but new delights to lovers' eyes.
Time was, I thought, that thou to me hadst given
The dearest boon imparted from above,
The greener meadow and the bluer heaven,
With the deep heart of wonder and of love.
But now, the sharer of a common lot,
I only wonder that I wonder not.
Remember your ailing heart and your criminal eyes.
I want school to be cancelled tomorrow sooo badly. All i want to do is play in the snow. I'm scared to look around my house for snow pants because im scared that i will jynx it and then we will have school and i can't deal with that kind of guilt. The bio test wasn't as bad as i thought even though im sure i got all the multiple choice wrong and the entire second essay, but that first essay- i know i had to have nailed it. I mean the only thing i really didn't know what exactly what part of the body Tay-Sach's affected. either way. why am i even wasting the time to talk about biology? hahahaha. i want a snow day tomorrow and i want to go sledding and then i want to build a snowman on my roof... lets travel back in time to the snow day from freshman year...
It was the morning and Charlie's mom called me and said there was no school. i immediately called jessica and we called Danni and Dom and we got our snow gear on and we built a huge snowman on my roof. then we all jumped off the roof into the backyard and didn't get hurt. We walked around the entire neighborhood and we went to walgreens. it may not sound fun but it was. so thats that.
"No, no. That wasn't the one I said. This one means "Kill Kirk"... And also, "hallelujah"... Depending on the context."
This is the straw-final straw in the roof of my mouth.
"And I like you, so there's that. I guess I have that."
I want school to be cancelled tomorrow sooo badly. All i want to do is play in the snow. I'm scared to look around my house for snow pants because im scared that i will jynx it and then we will have school and i can't deal with that kind of guilt. The bio test wasn't as bad as i thought even though im sure i got all the multiple choice wrong and the entire second essay, but that first essay- i know i had to have nailed it. I mean the only thing i really didn't know what exactly what part of the body Tay-Sach's affected. either way. why am i even wasting the time to talk about biology? hahahaha. i want a snow day tomorrow and i want to go sledding and then i want to build a snowman on my roof... lets travel back in time to the snow day from freshman year...
It was the morning and Charlie's mom called me and said there was no school. i immediately called jessica and we called Danni and Dom and we got our snow gear on and we built a huge snowman on my roof. then we all jumped off the roof into the backyard and didn't get hurt. We walked around the entire neighborhood and we went to walgreens. it may not sound fun but it was. so thats that.
"No, no. That wasn't the one I said. This one means "Kill Kirk"... And also, "hallelujah"... Depending on the context."
This is the straw-final straw in the roof of my mouth.
"And I like you, so there's that. I guess I have that."
Tuesday, January 04, 2005
Just how much longer are you going to keep this up? How much longer am i going to have to play the bad guy? When will you understand that i'm not out to get you and i don't spend my time thinking of ways to hurt you. I just don't know what to say anymore. you're making things so hard. I'm tired of reassuring.
Monday, January 03, 2005
Chocolate
The Conflict: Despite my efforts, I continue to want things that I know are bad for me. I choose the unhealthy route all the time and I can't bring myself to want what I really need. The calamity is killing me. Maybe the fact that I know I'm making the wrong decisions is a possitive but the fact that I still can't make the right choice is annoying. I mean, maybe I try too hard to force myself to like certain things. I don't know why I want the wrong things. I need to write a poem for english but I really don't want to. Everything I write sounds exactly the same...
i love you.
you dont love me
i miss you
you don't miss me
blah blah i hate everything
woe is me
life is frustrating
I did absolutely terribly on the SAT IIs i just took. so much worse than before on the lit. and the math was naturally awful. I officially give up on boston college. I know I'm going to end up at Syracuse, but maybe that isn't the worst thing ever. Although it depresses me to no end, I can't be good enough for everything, or anything that I really want. I want to cry right now but I know better.
"Why do the good girls always want the bad boys?" Am I a good girl? I don't think I am but maybe i could rephrase that to say "Why do the intuitive and self-aware girls always want the emotionally unhealthy boys?" I guess that just doesn't have the same ring.
Regarding turnabout: I would rather go stag and have a good time than go with a date and have a no fun time. Leave it to me to be really articulate. My dress is so ugly i would be hard pressed to find a date willing to be seen with me in public anyway. I like it and thats all that matters, really.
Audrey Billhymer and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad YEAR.
Welcome to 2005.
The Conflict: Despite my efforts, I continue to want things that I know are bad for me. I choose the unhealthy route all the time and I can't bring myself to want what I really need. The calamity is killing me. Maybe the fact that I know I'm making the wrong decisions is a possitive but the fact that I still can't make the right choice is annoying. I mean, maybe I try too hard to force myself to like certain things. I don't know why I want the wrong things. I need to write a poem for english but I really don't want to. Everything I write sounds exactly the same...
i love you.
you dont love me
i miss you
you don't miss me
blah blah i hate everything
woe is me
life is frustrating
I did absolutely terribly on the SAT IIs i just took. so much worse than before on the lit. and the math was naturally awful. I officially give up on boston college. I know I'm going to end up at Syracuse, but maybe that isn't the worst thing ever. Although it depresses me to no end, I can't be good enough for everything, or anything that I really want. I want to cry right now but I know better.
"Why do the good girls always want the bad boys?" Am I a good girl? I don't think I am but maybe i could rephrase that to say "Why do the intuitive and self-aware girls always want the emotionally unhealthy boys?" I guess that just doesn't have the same ring.
Regarding turnabout: I would rather go stag and have a good time than go with a date and have a no fun time. Leave it to me to be really articulate. My dress is so ugly i would be hard pressed to find a date willing to be seen with me in public anyway. I like it and thats all that matters, really.
Audrey Billhymer and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad YEAR.
Welcome to 2005.
Sunday, January 02, 2005
Saturday, January 01, 2005
1. What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before? go to boston
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? i doubt it. i never do
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? no
4. Did anyone close to you die? no
5. What countries did you visit? none
6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004? love
7. What date from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? v-show because keiko and i got back together in a nonlesbian sense.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Anne Frank and i dont really achieve anything else
9. What was your biggest failure? pretty much everything else; calculus
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? no not really
11. What was the best thing you bought? maybe my ipod
12. Whose behavior merited celebration? keiko's
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? mine, others.
14. Where did most of your money go? clothes food and movies.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? boston college and UVA.
16. What song will always remind you of 2004? pretty much the entire Wicked soundtrack
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? right now sadder. i have a hard time encompassing more than a day of feelings
ii. thinner or fatter? fatter or the same
iii. richer or poorer? probably the same
18. What do you wish you'd done more of? my homework
19. What do you wish you'd done less of? lying to myself and everyone
22. Did you fall in love in 2004? no.
23. How many one-night stands? none.
24. What was your favorite TV program? emergency vets
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? no but sometimes i get fed up.
26. What was the best book you read? Fool on the Hill
27. What was your greatest musical discovery? the shins, snow patrol
28. What did you want and get? keiko's friendship
29. what did you want and not get? June the cat
30. What was your favorite film of this year? the notebook and garden state
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? medieval times. 17.
32.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? June the cat
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004? jeans hoodies flip flops or birks
34. What kept you sane? nothing- i'm not.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Jude Law, Ryan Gosling.
36. What political issue stirred you the most? the possibility of john kerry winning
37. Who did you miss? harrison
38. Who was the best new person you met? MY TUNA!!!!! Maureen and Ross. I also knew Dag but we got closer, so that counts.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004: its impossible to tell your mind to stop loving someone if your heart still does.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"No one else will have me like you do. No one else will have me, only you. You'll sit alone forever if you wait for the right time. What are you hoping for? I'm here and now I'm ready. Holding on tight. Dont give away the end- The one thing that stays mine."- Jimmy Eat World
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? i doubt it. i never do
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? no
4. Did anyone close to you die? no
5. What countries did you visit? none
6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004? love
7. What date from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? v-show because keiko and i got back together in a nonlesbian sense.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Anne Frank and i dont really achieve anything else
9. What was your biggest failure? pretty much everything else; calculus
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? no not really
11. What was the best thing you bought? maybe my ipod
12. Whose behavior merited celebration? keiko's
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? mine, others.
14. Where did most of your money go? clothes food and movies.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? boston college and UVA.
16. What song will always remind you of 2004? pretty much the entire Wicked soundtrack
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? right now sadder. i have a hard time encompassing more than a day of feelings
ii. thinner or fatter? fatter or the same
iii. richer or poorer? probably the same
18. What do you wish you'd done more of? my homework
19. What do you wish you'd done less of? lying to myself and everyone
22. Did you fall in love in 2004? no.
23. How many one-night stands? none.
24. What was your favorite TV program? emergency vets
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? no but sometimes i get fed up.
26. What was the best book you read? Fool on the Hill
27. What was your greatest musical discovery? the shins, snow patrol
28. What did you want and get? keiko's friendship
29. what did you want and not get? June the cat
30. What was your favorite film of this year? the notebook and garden state
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? medieval times. 17.
32.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? June the cat
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004? jeans hoodies flip flops or birks
34. What kept you sane? nothing- i'm not.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Jude Law, Ryan Gosling.
36. What political issue stirred you the most? the possibility of john kerry winning
37. Who did you miss? harrison
38. Who was the best new person you met? MY TUNA!!!!! Maureen and Ross. I also knew Dag but we got closer, so that counts.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004: its impossible to tell your mind to stop loving someone if your heart still does.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"No one else will have me like you do. No one else will have me, only you. You'll sit alone forever if you wait for the right time. What are you hoping for? I'm here and now I'm ready. Holding on tight. Dont give away the end- The one thing that stays mine."- Jimmy Eat World
I Want to Save You.
There's a pain in my stomach from another sleepless binge. and i struggle to get myself up again. i want to hang onto something that wont break away or fall apart like the pieces of my heart. globes and maps are all around me now. i want to feel you breathe me in. globes and maps i see surround you here. why won't you believe me? globes and maps they chart your way back home. do you want to leave or something?
I can't take this anymore
Cause I know someday I'll see you walk out that door.
So this is the new year? it doesn't feel any different but i suppose thats normal. Last night i drank 6 diet cokes and like 4 glasses of sparkling grape juice. i ate too much lasagna and way too much chocolate cake. i also ate a lot of chips and too many meatballs in biscuits. Dumplings as tim referred to them. Lauren was my midnight kiss. I wanted to watch garden state but the duds of the party thought 3:30 was too late to start a movie. so instead we turned off the lights and sort of talked until we all stopped talking one at a time. all in all, my DDR pad makes me a pro when i really am not at all.
Top Dogs of my life:
Pepper
Trixie
Froto
Boomer
and of course AXLE!@!!!!!!
I Need You to Save Me Too.
There's a pain in my stomach from another sleepless binge. and i struggle to get myself up again. i want to hang onto something that wont break away or fall apart like the pieces of my heart. globes and maps are all around me now. i want to feel you breathe me in. globes and maps i see surround you here. why won't you believe me? globes and maps they chart your way back home. do you want to leave or something?
I can't take this anymore
Cause I know someday I'll see you walk out that door.
So this is the new year? it doesn't feel any different but i suppose thats normal. Last night i drank 6 diet cokes and like 4 glasses of sparkling grape juice. i ate too much lasagna and way too much chocolate cake. i also ate a lot of chips and too many meatballs in biscuits. Dumplings as tim referred to them. Lauren was my midnight kiss. I wanted to watch garden state but the duds of the party thought 3:30 was too late to start a movie. so instead we turned off the lights and sort of talked until we all stopped talking one at a time. all in all, my DDR pad makes me a pro when i really am not at all.
Top Dogs of my life:
Pepper
Trixie
Froto
Boomer
and of course AXLE!@!!!!!!
I Need You to Save Me Too.