Bright Eyes and now I understand. I feel worse but then I always can.

the kitchen is cold
but the coffee is warm
and the suns coming up
the day has just begun
and your already bored.

bored of cheering me up
bored of calming me down
bored of drying my eyes
but there once was a time when you were the one.
you were the blue of the sky
you came after the storm
you were the switch on the wall
in the dark of the hall
im still fumbling for.

cuz im lost in the black
i dont know where I am.
arms stretched out in front
im calling your name
just as loud as I can
I know theres words that we will never speak
and the questions cant be answered easily
but I wanted to be easy so

nod your head if the plans have changed
shake it, love, if they've stayed the same
smile at me and I will stay
start to cry and I'll go away
just please dont leave me guessing.

so you made me come
then you sent me away
like a messenger bird
so I circled the earth
blown away in the wind
but I always returned
with some new little song
some sad story to tell
of a breif love affair
with a girl I compared to you and she failed

you said you dont want me to beg
then you said get down on your knees
cuz you knew that I would
if I do any good satisfying your needs.
and I know all about those things we cannot speak
and just so you know well they dont bother me
so you dont have to be worried

just nod your head if the plans have changed
shake it, love, if they stayed the same
smile at me and I will stay
start to cry and I'll go away
just please dont keep me waiting
just nod your head if your mind's been changed
shake it, love, if some hope remains
just say the word and of course ill stay
roll your eyes and Ill go away
just please dont leave me guessing.
just please dont keep me waiting.

I haven't written anything in a while. Days even. Altered state of mine with an altered perception of life. If optimism was water, i would be the dryest desert.

I'm glad I have people I call friends. If it were up to me, I'd never have to miss you.

Now that I've lost everything to you
You say you wanna start something new
And it's breaking my heart you're leaving
Baby, I'm grieving

But if you wanna leave, take good care
I hope you have a lot of nice things to wear
But then a lot of nice things turn bad out there

Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world
It's hard to get by just upon a smile
Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world
I'll always remember you like a child, girl

You know I've seen a lot of what the world can do
And it's breaking my heart in two
'Cause I never wanna see you a sad girl
Don't be a bad girl

But if you wanna leave, take good care
I hope you make a lot of nice friends out there
But just remember there's a lot of bad and beware

Baby, I love you
But if you wanna leave, take good care
I hope you make a lot of nice friends out there
But just remember there's a lot of bad and beware

If i had known then that these things happen, would they have happened with you?


I have nothing interesting to say. Today was just a day. I'm scared of school tomorrow. Hold me before I fall asleep. Let me know you remember who I am.



I am finally seeing I was the one worth leaving.

Since its really 1 in the morning im going to update about "last" night which was really tonight im also going to include things from yesterday which i still feel like is today. I want to write about this because im trying not to think about anything really emotionally draining. Its inevitable but right now i'm in denial. I'm going to start from the begining...

At 3 in the morning axle was crying, this was okay because i still hadn't gotten to sleep yet and i felt sick and animal planet was, for once in my life, not making anything better. I let axle outside and he came in and wouldn't let me wipe the snow off. so i chased him around the breakfast bar. thats actually a lie. i didn't. i don't know why i just said i did. i guess im trying to make it seem more interesting than it really was which was him jumping up and laying on the chair before i could get the snow off his feet. A few hours later I felt sick again and got up to find eric online and it 8 in the morning. I took 2 aleve and went back to sleep. I got up again at 1130 to go to cyndi and my mom had an envelope from Puget Sound...

It was neither an acceptance or rejection but simply them telling me they will let me know by mid march. awesome. except its not really because i dont want to go there. regardless i drove to cyndi in the snow and proceeded to explain my week and then she told me why i feel like i do and how to fix it. The solution was simple but i haven't done anything about it yet. I might just let it happen on its own because i have a feeling it will. After that i came home and sat in my room with absolutely no appetite. its been gone all week.

I watched the end of seabiscuit, the random middle of the bodyguard, and some newly weds. then i went to get coffee with brian. we talked for a few hours and i felt better about things and then i went home and had this weird experimental dinner that my mom made and then she didnt eat it because shes cleansing her intestines or something. it was okay but i felt sick before, while and after i ate it. either way, during the meal my princess showed up and we tried to think of something to do. it was hard. we didn't really want to hang out with anyone either so i suppose that made it more difficult. We rented the skulls and save the last dance. we bought tea and then made it. The Skulls made me want to go to UVA more and then get invited to join Seven (the coolest secret society ever). Keiko ruined Save the Last Dance because she kept making fun of Julia Stiles' moves.

Now im here sitting online and contemplating going to bed, staying online, or reading. if i go to bed, should i listen to my ipod or just go to sleep? if i listen to my ipod will i pick the slow songs that i know will make me cry? and the answer is yes but the follow up question is why? this answer i do not know. i suppose its because Atreyu just doesnt have that dreamy-sleep quality. har-dee-har-har. i do have atreyu on my iPod. along with Shakira and the Wicked soundtrack. i would like to consider myself musically diverse except i dont really like Atreyu. I still have it so that counts. or does it? i don't care. The local scene is a joke and the doors are classic. no offense to the "scene" or whatever but hey. i'm leaving this place in a few months. it doesnt matter if im going to colorado state or boston college. well... it does matter but i don't want to think about that right now.

Keiko i think you should know that it totally makes sense that no one talked to you at that show friday because youre just seriously, not hardcore enough. you and me can go to thrift stores and buy old shirts and guy pants and then make sure we make our belt buckles face backwards. That is pretty much the most impractical fashion ive ever seen catch on. but maybe then we will be appreciated for our APPARENT originality and seen for the hard core SONS OF BITCHES we really are. Either way keiko, youre just not cool and the fact that youre smart makes you even LESS hard core if you could possibly be it. youre just boring. boring old keiko with nothing but japan on her side.

Well i could fill books with my complaints of society but where would that get me if im not funny? man humor is just one of the greatest things. if you dont have it... well then you probably dont talk to me. i'll come back to this...

These are the things hanging on my desk board thing...

-pictures of:

• Keiko and Stephen from sophomore year hahahahaha
• My mom and my aunt when they were little
• My dad waterskiing like 20 years ago at crab lake
• My mom when she was like 10
• Axle the second day we got him
• My brother and me on halloween when i was like 6.
• Me holding Danni (jeremys dog) sophomore year
• Me holding a huge tadpole at crab lake
• Me, Court and my cousin Dan in Central Park
• Justin's senior pic from 2 years ago
• Carter holding axle
• Me court and Stephen on my 17th birthday

-Other random things that are just pinned to it:

• A blue butterfly i bought in portland and named Dave (after Dave tesnow)
• A marshalls name tag (RIP)
• A freshman letter for soccer. 2005 saxons! hahahahaha
• A weird hawaiin skull thing that is supposed to be good luck
• A fortune cookie fortune "The color red will be important to you." It ended up having to do with prom, which was cool.
• A "Prom Court 2004" Sash. I wasnt even prom court! i just rock that hard.
• A ticket from the Manet and the Sea exhibit from the art institute. I went with my mom, brother eric and steve hahahaha. it was definitely awesome. eric got yelled at by security. they were probably prejudice against people with webs. ahhahahaha.

Anyway, back to the whole "humor" topic. i think its an important quality. like eric for example. i mean im not here to talk shit about my brother. i love him. hes a cool guy when hes not forgetting he is alive. but all the girls (freshman girls) think hes hot. which is funny he has webbed fingers, messed up toenails and lets just say "cleanliness next to godliness" is not exactly his motto to live by. Either way. i think irony and funnyness go hand in hand. i dont know what else to say about that. My life is ironic, and i think my life is funny. some would say pathetic but iwould say funny.

February 14th is coming up... ya'll know what that means? happy fucking birthday audrey! and what else happens that day? oh what? valentine's day? well fuck it. Maybe this year ill have a heart shaped cake just to piss myself off. last year we went to medieval times and it was so awesome. our knight lost but he tossed me a flower. or tossed it and i got it. either way. what a party. this year all i want is a chocolate fountain. so im going to rent one and i dont even care if no one comes to enjoy it with me, i just want a chocolate fountain. Now im looking around my room and im annoyed because i dont really have much else to say. well thats not true. i just have too many thoughts to write them down. some are really lame and others inappropriate so i suppose this breathtakingly beautiful glimpse into my mind is drawing to a close. here ends the shooting of the proverbial shit. onto better and brighter things like methodical madness. and i just thought of Tony's shirt that says "rock that bass" and it has a picture of a fish on it. like a bass hahaha and i thought it was probably the funniest part of the macro final. really the only funny part. i love bass. and now i depart with keiko whispering dirty sweet nothings into my computer.

And hey Polonius- sorry but i dont agree that brevity is the soul of wit! so im glad hamlet stabs you! hey Shakes, you my soulmate.

Signing off,

AUDREY (in caps because im ready to carpe diem).

City on Down- Hello 2005- and always, SARDINES.

I think today is the begining of the rest of my life and i'm going to make it and i'm going to make it on my own. Its time for me to start living. I can't base my happiness on the status of our relationship- I know now. So no more worrying because I believe in myself this time. And its not about "us." its about "you" and "me." I realize this now. and I am sincerely happy for you. Best wishes to you in the near future if we don't keep our friendship up as much as we both want to. Honestly, I'm ready to be myself again. This bitter mess is not who I enjoy being.

"If this is what will really make you happy.. then I say we'll be old enough to know better, young enough to pretend. This is the last of my letters until I see you again."- Get Up Kids

Love,
Audrey

"you act like you don't know me.
you act like you cant see me.
i just wish you would show me
that you'll be right on my time.

I know you're kind of busy these days
its been a day but i haven't heard you call
i'd climb a mountain just to get a better view of you
but i'll never ask again."

-OAR

Tonight could have been bad. but it ended up being okay. Keiko is my better half. even though shes sort of creepy. hahahahah. ohh. nothing much to say except i've got Patsy Cline in my head and a pain in my heart.


"It is difficult to know at what moment love begins; it is less difficult to know that it has begun."- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

King of the Thing

I'm done with the wishing and everything's going to be alright.

You'll be my best friend always.


...Patiently...
Audrey

I should be studying for Spanish or Bio but instead i'm here listening to Sublime and feeling okay. today strock and lauren talked to me for about an hour after practice. I dont know. Strock is scared that Drama is going to be really weird. i sort of forgot about it but i still think it will be okay. Do you?


You know what? the next time you see NICK well tell him im going to stick some needles in his face and watch him on his knees. watch him when he sees that im not foolin. cause im through being cool and he keeps telling everyone about me. yeah like how im such a fool. and oh that im so deceptive. NICK WHY ARE YOU SUCH A PRICK? WHY DONT YOU JUST WALLOW IN THE HOPES THAT MAKE OF THIS REALITY. THE WORLD IS WHAT YOU MADE IT AND I DONT WANT A PART OF IT.

Wednesday, October 29, 2003

weirdest comment of the day-

Tenngolfer59: i want you to dance with a sasquatch

Well I can hardly wait until I get the sun and your lips both pressing on my skin
Well I can hardly wait until I feel that thrill my heart that starts inside your eyes

Today the finals were okay. i managed to pull off an A in health. i'll give myself a pat on the back for that one. Play practice doesnt start till 3 which is lame. I knew how to do more on the calc final than i thought i did. tomorrow is spanish and bio. SWEET. haha. no. i have to study for bio a lot still. Last night i worked out with keiko and i have to say- thank you lovely for making me laugh MUCHO! har-dee-har-har. Today is an alkaline trio day. if that wasnt obvious. So i have a new goal for myself since its hard to live without having these stupid little goals. Right now my goal is to appreciate my friends. My long term goal is to be happy with myself. someday i'll get there. enough of this sappy shit. sardines here. sardines there. I have a feeling i'm not going to stop laughing at play practice. i hate that. tee hee hee.


You’re the only place in my heart I call home.


Fatally yours,
Audrey!


It's nothing I'll forget when the moon gets tired
You are stuck to me everyday
Believe in what I am because it's all I have today
And tomorrow who knows where we'll be
From here I can hardly see a thing
But I will follow anyone who brings me to you
For now, forever, for on and on and on

And if i could sum it all up i'd say its difficult to put into words. its hard to understand exactly what i feel. i just know it won't go away. I'm switching temporarily to a plain template so i can look through archives.


How long will you wait for me to come around?
And wouldn't it be great if everything worked out?
I wouldn't come home late after hiding out.
I'd tell you everything.
Like how I couldn't live without you now.
How long will it take before I wake up unafraid to take you in my arms
and hold you like a lucky charm?
I know it's too late but wait for me to turn around.
I'm coming home so if you're leaving, walk slow.
All that I can ask is forgiveness for what's past.
You know who I am but will you know me in the end?
I know it's too late but wait for me to turn around.
I'm almost home so if you're leaving walk slow.
All that I can ask is forgiveness for what's past.
You know who I am, but will you know me in the end?
I know it's too late but wait for me to turn around.
I'm almost home, so if you're leaving, walk slow.
I know you're not waiting anymore and I'm not gonna change.
I try to reach you, to let you know, but I'm walking too slow.
Hey, how's your summer going?
It's good to see you again.
I'm gonna make a record so I never forget what it was I wrecked.
So tired of my mind.
You're a genius all the time.
The things that I can't say are all thinking me insane these days.
I know it's late.

And I'm trying to understand myself
And pinpoint where I am
By the time I get things figured out
I've change the whole damn plan
Oh noose I've tied myself in, tied myself too tight
Talking shit about a pretty sunset
Blanketing opinions that i'll probably regret soon
I've changed my mind so much I can't even trust it
My mind changed me so much I can't even trust myself.

you let me down I said it. now I'm going down and you're not even around.

Why?
Why?
Why?

Someone save me from myself.
I don't see you anymore.

I remember when you and me used to spend the whole god damned day in bed.

Are you ever sick of life? I am. I need to get away. I need to know. April is too far. Whats the point of going on pretending I don't care?

You should know
Sometimes it's hard for me to show
My fears
But I'm never insincere
Don't turn away
From what you trusted yesterday
I'm still that person
That you can always depend on.

WHAT YOU HAVE IS NOT WHAT YOU ARE.

I'm so sad right now and i could never have predicted feeling this way. I just need to study.

I'm afraid that you've become everything that you had hated. I'm waiting for this to blow away. I heard you say your future is looking SO GREAT.

I find out about Rice by Feb. 10th. I'm nervous. This weekend has been laid back. I liked it. Today I really have to study. I'm going out to lunch with Keiko... unless she gets hungry and eats beforehand.

I'm acting like the jealous ex-girlfriend and Im creeping myself out. OAR reminds me of driving down 59.

This may be the very minute I'm aware i'm alive...
This is the straw, final straw, in the roof of my mouth, as i lie to you. just because i'm sorry doesnt mean i didn't enjoy it at the time.


On friday keiko and i went to the IGNITE THE SKY and ELI show. I realize how lame that "scene" is. To think that i ever associated myself with it is slightly embarassing. I think the funniest part was the hardcore dancing/mosh? Everyone looked so angry. haha. oh well. Now that i've gone, its safe to say, i don't plan on going to any more of them. I mean i love mike, i'm just not cool enough to be a scenester. I'm not angry enough and i wear too much American Eagle and my hair is too... clean? and i don't have a kill hannah track jacket. needless to say, i'm quite a loser.

I love my dog!
love
Audrey

I don't know why I haven't updated in a while. Today I really have the WashU interview at 2:00. so from 11-1 I plan to shower and and study for bio. I need to get a B on the final. ahahahah.

I saw In Good Company and it was good but it didn't end the way I wanted it to. I'm sort of in a Pirats of the Carribbbabbebean mood. I need to get my costume for the play. We will probably go to the thrift stores sometime this week. Ugh. Oh well time to study.

*You want to fight for this love, but honey you cannot wrestle a dove.

Am i the only one who isn't nervous about Noises Off? Maybe thats not a good sign. Tonight my mom said to me "why does all the weird stuff happen to you?"

well i dont know mom, im just weird. It makes me feel good when i can help eric with algebra, because i cant really help anyone with anything else.

Good Company comes out tomorroW!!!! weeeee! I'm goin to go read though.

OAR reminds me of summer.

Return to Sender

As the warm wind blows in it blankets my thoughts
I feel calm for once without any resolution
january nights have never been so concealing
of my thoughts dreams and desires
things not worth revealing
things for which there is no substitution
perhaps that is the closure ive long since needed
when the summer wind settles in again
so does my summer love, long since retreated
i feel like Prufrock in the shadow of a dream
i am no Ophelia! but i do share her pain
i read the classics but my thoughts won't change
the realness of my skewed perspective
leaves me torn between what is and what seems
pulling the shades can't make the view less strange
is this the fate to which we all are destined?
to live a life malled by love? lost and defective
when that summer wind settles in again
i wonder how soon its euphoria will end
what happens to feelings left unannounced
will they fade away if i pretend
or will they implode?

We Are Infinite.

It has come to my attention that Keiko knows all of my secrets. Pretty much any event in my life that has had any real weight (or just any event) has been described to her at length and probably multiple times. this is not a bad thing.

I would like a make a general announcement that gossip is from hell; though i do partake in it quite freely i, under no circumstances, feel it is appropriate to establish opinions of a person solely based on what someone else may or may not say. i work hard to place my friends in their best light, it would be unfair for anyone not to. we are all human and we are not perfect. we are not perfect friends and we are not perfect lovers but i would like to think that the people closest to me are as near perfect as possible, and i will never see them differently... unless they hurt my dog. everyone deserves a chance to be the kind of persont he/she deserves to be.

So though i claim to be a grammarian, i do occasionally end a sentense with a preposition. And i am okay with that.

on a side note: i'm through with this debating over whether or not we should be friends. its tiring and i feel it would be more productive to channel my energy elsewhere. regardless of the terms on which we end, i feel compelled to tell you that i do not speak ill of you and i expect the same decency and respect from you. if this seems impersonal it is because that is how i indended it to sound. i don't want to be a bitch. and i don't want to fight. If nothing else, i would genuinely appreciate civilty. (insert ...).


enough existentialism for one night.
audrey

"We do not believe in ourselves until someone reveals that deep inside us something is valuable, worth listening to, worthy of our trust, sacred to our touch. Once we believe in ourselves we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight or any experience that reveals the human spirit."
-e.e. cummings

Thank you, Ryan.

Today was pretty boring until health, then it got fun. Bio was okay. i didnt do extremely terribly on the genetics test so thats a plus. practice was alright except no one knew their lines. i thought people were okay but i guess not. i know i didn't know them as well as i should. i need to work on that tonight. In other news, the shoes i ordered from alloy.com still havent come. im getting anxious. my birthday is in just over a month. We are doing concessions for drama this friday and we found that out today. Tonight i plan to...

1. Look over Molecular genetics
2. Read the poem for Lit
3. Look at calculus? probably not
4. Memorize lines
5. Do activity 64 for macro
6. DO LAUNDRY

pity this busy monster,manunkind,

not. Progress is a comfortable disease:
your victum(death and life safely beyond)

plays with the bigness of his littleness
-electrons deify one razorblade
into a mountainrange;lenses extend

unwish through curving wherewhen until unwish
returns on its unself.
A world of made
is not a world of born-pity poor flesh

and trees,poor stars and stones, but never this
fine specimen of hypermagical

ultraomnipotence. We doctors know

a hopeless case if-listen:there's a hell
of a good universe next door;let's go

- e. e. cummings

Ode to Jets To Brazil

What’s best for everyone is bound to hurt somebody
What’s best for everyone is killing me

And I cried out your name because I loved the sound it made
and because I couldn't wait to see your face.
And nothing ever was the same.
And the stars say, "Look into my eyes."
But I can't change if it's only in my mind.
And I love you but I don't have the right.
And I wanted you so bad tonight.

there's an end but we don't get to choose. we can only lose.
if I cried a river just for you
would you swim in it some sunny afternoon?

All things that those who wait
Take time to find your way
Half the answers
Are failing your mistakes
Even when you’re wrong I think you’re great

now all these tastes improve
through the view that comes with you
like they handed me my life
for the first time it felt right
thank you for making me see there's a life in me
it was dying to get out

Wash U was not meant to be. Tonight we're going out for ronny's birthday. i have absolutely nothing else to say.

I am going to write 20 notecards that say why I should like myself. I have an interview with Wash U tomorrow, or today rather. I'm sort of nervous, but in a good way. Sometimes I regret the things I say, or I wish i had said them differently. I think i'm helping but im really not approaching the situation with the compassion and understanding i should. I realize this now in retrospect. keiko- im sorry i made you feel bad tonight. you're still my favorite latina. I'm also starting a new project called "think before i talk" and im trying as of right now to not be so over analytical. I get paranoid and ruin things. Positive and optimistic Audrey is coming soon. And now for your viewing pleasure, my 2 favorite verses to The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock by none other than our T.S.

Should I, after tea and cakes and ices,
Have the strength to force the moment to its crisis?
Bit though I have wept and fasted, wept and prayed,
Though I have seen my head (grown slightly bald) brought in upon a platter,
I am no prophet- and here's no great matter;
I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker,
And I have seen the eternal Footman hold my coat, and snicker,
And in short, I was afraid....

...No! I am not Prince Hamlet, nor was meant to be;
Am an attendant lord, one that will do
To swell a progress, start a scene or two,
Advise the prince; no doubt, and easy tool.
Deferential, glad to be of use,
Politic, cautious, and meticulous:
Full of high sentense, but a bit obtuse;
At times, indeed, almost ridiculous-
Almost, at times, the Fool.

A Cure for Melancholy.


The irony in the world is unbelievable. Where is my T.S. Eliot? Its an unattainable dream I have to be chased after. Everything may look perfect from far away, but everything is really fucked up. I hope i slip and break my neck too. Let me never remember this feeling. Why is it when i want to think of something good, nothing comes to mind? now i'm complaining again and where is it getting me? i need to memorize my lines and axle has gross gas. So i guess ill see you around.


Here you can be anything and I think that scares you.

I loved today.

I feel like saying anything else might ruin it.
Love me today because tomorrow I may change.
I love Noises Off and Nothing On.
These are the days I want to remember when I've left this place.


So why does the sheikh look like philip?

Art thou less beautiful, or I more dull?
O Nature, once my passion and delight,
How shall I win thee? Is thy promise null?
Or have I forfeited my ancient right?
By me thy skiey splendours are unwatched,
By me thy changeful year unheeded flies,
Glories of sunrise, or of eve unmatched,--
Changes but new delights to lovers' eyes.
Time was, I thought, that thou to me hadst given
The dearest boon imparted from above,
The greener meadow and the bluer heaven,
With the deep heart of wonder and of love.
But now, the sharer of a common lot,
I only wonder that I wonder not.

Remember your ailing heart and your criminal eyes.

I want school to be cancelled tomorrow sooo badly. All i want to do is play in the snow. I'm scared to look around my house for snow pants because im scared that i will jynx it and then we will have school and i can't deal with that kind of guilt. The bio test wasn't as bad as i thought even though im sure i got all the multiple choice wrong and the entire second essay, but that first essay- i know i had to have nailed it. I mean the only thing i really didn't know what exactly what part of the body Tay-Sach's affected. either way. why am i even wasting the time to talk about biology? hahahaha. i want a snow day tomorrow and i want to go sledding and then i want to build a snowman on my roof... lets travel back in time to the snow day from freshman year...

It was the morning and Charlie's mom called me and said there was no school. i immediately called jessica and we called Danni and Dom and we got our snow gear on and we built a huge snowman on my roof. then we all jumped off the roof into the backyard and didn't get hurt. We walked around the entire neighborhood and we went to walgreens. it may not sound fun but it was. so thats that.

"No, no. That wasn't the one I said. This one means "Kill Kirk"... And also, "hallelujah"... Depending on the context."

This is the straw-final straw in the roof of my mouth.

"And I like you, so there's that. I guess I have that."

Just how much longer are you going to keep this up? How much longer am i going to have to play the bad guy? When will you understand that i'm not out to get you and i don't spend my time thinking of ways to hurt you. I just don't know what to say anymore. you're making things so hard. I'm tired of reassuring.

Chocolate

The Conflict: Despite my efforts, I continue to want things that I know are bad for me. I choose the unhealthy route all the time and I can't bring myself to want what I really need. The calamity is killing me. Maybe the fact that I know I'm making the wrong decisions is a possitive but the fact that I still can't make the right choice is annoying. I mean, maybe I try too hard to force myself to like certain things. I don't know why I want the wrong things. I need to write a poem for english but I really don't want to. Everything I write sounds exactly the same...

i love you.
you dont love me
i miss you
you don't miss me
blah blah i hate everything
woe is me
life is frustrating

I did absolutely terribly on the SAT IIs i just took. so much worse than before on the lit. and the math was naturally awful. I officially give up on boston college. I know I'm going to end up at Syracuse, but maybe that isn't the worst thing ever. Although it depresses me to no end, I can't be good enough for everything, or anything that I really want. I want to cry right now but I know better.

"Why do the good girls always want the bad boys?" Am I a good girl? I don't think I am but maybe i could rephrase that to say "Why do the intuitive and self-aware girls always want the emotionally unhealthy boys?" I guess that just doesn't have the same ring.

Regarding turnabout: I would rather go stag and have a good time than go with a date and have a no fun time. Leave it to me to be really articulate. My dress is so ugly i would be hard pressed to find a date willing to be seen with me in public anyway. I like it and thats all that matters, really.


Audrey Billhymer and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad YEAR.

Welcome to 2005.

Axle's sleeping on my floor. I love him. Noises Off is going to be so funny if we ever get it together. I'm not too worried yet but my lines are nowhere near being there.

"And miles to go before i sleep
and miles to go before i sleep"

New layout and it probably won't last. I wish i didn't procrastinate so much. getting things done would be a nice change of routine.

1. What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before? go to boston
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? i doubt it. i never do
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? no
4. Did anyone close to you die? no
5. What countries did you visit? none
6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004? love
7. What date from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? v-show because keiko and i got back together in a nonlesbian sense.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Anne Frank and i dont really achieve anything else
9. What was your biggest failure? pretty much everything else; calculus
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? no not really
11. What was the best thing you bought? maybe my ipod
12. Whose behavior merited celebration? keiko's
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? mine, others.
14. Where did most of your money go? clothes food and movies.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? boston college and UVA.
16. What song will always remind you of 2004? pretty much the entire Wicked soundtrack
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? right now sadder. i have a hard time encompassing more than a day of feelings
ii. thinner or fatter? fatter or the same
iii. richer or poorer? probably the same
18. What do you wish you'd done more of? my homework
19. What do you wish you'd done less of? lying to myself and everyone
22. Did you fall in love in 2004? no.
23. How many one-night stands? none.
24. What was your favorite TV program? emergency vets
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? no but sometimes i get fed up.
26. What was the best book you read? Fool on the Hill
27. What was your greatest musical discovery? the shins, snow patrol
28. What did you want and get? keiko's friendship
29. what did you want and not get? June the cat
30. What was your favorite film of this year? the notebook and garden state
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? medieval times. 17.
32.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? June the cat
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004? jeans hoodies flip flops or birks
34. What kept you sane? nothing- i'm not.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Jude Law, Ryan Gosling.
36. What political issue stirred you the most? the possibility of john kerry winning
37. Who did you miss? harrison
38. Who was the best new person you met? MY TUNA!!!!! Maureen and Ross. I also knew Dag but we got closer, so that counts.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004: its impossible to tell your mind to stop loving someone if your heart still does.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"No one else will have me like you do. No one else will have me, only you. You'll sit alone forever if you wait for the right time. What are you hoping for? I'm here and now I'm ready. Holding on tight. Dont give away the end- The one thing that stays mine."- Jimmy Eat World

I Want to Save You.

There's a pain in my stomach from another sleepless binge. and i struggle to get myself up again. i want to hang onto something that wont break away or fall apart like the pieces of my heart. globes and maps are all around me now. i want to feel you breathe me in. globes and maps i see surround you here. why won't you believe me? globes and maps they chart your way back home. do you want to leave or something?

I can't take this anymore
Cause I know someday I'll see you walk out that door.

So this is the new year? it doesn't feel any different but i suppose thats normal. Last night i drank 6 diet cokes and like 4 glasses of sparkling grape juice. i ate too much lasagna and way too much chocolate cake. i also ate a lot of chips and too many meatballs in biscuits. Dumplings as tim referred to them. Lauren was my midnight kiss. I wanted to watch garden state but the duds of the party thought 3:30 was too late to start a movie. so instead we turned off the lights and sort of talked until we all stopped talking one at a time. all in all, my DDR pad makes me a pro when i really am not at all.

Top Dogs of my life:
Pepper
Trixie
Froto
Boomer
and of course AXLE!@!!!!!!

I Need You to Save Me Too.