I just want to go home. St. Olaf homecoming is so dumb.
I'm glad it rained.
I wish i were with matt right now.
I rarely have anything profound to say.
College is getting the best of me.
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Thursday, September 27, 2007
hard to concentrate on anything but you
"You're a gem I'd never give away
if I lost everything I would hold you -
in my hands and open them every time I had the chance"
satellite party
if I lost everything I would hold you -
in my hands and open them every time I had the chance"
satellite party
you are the blood in my veins
its amazing how many times you can think of a particular person in one minute. its like how they say guys think about sex every 20 seconds or something well i kick that statistics ass with thinking about matt in general ever 10 seconds if not constantly throughout the day.
i drank too much tonight and then proceeded, obviously, to eat too much. this is the general way of things and i must work out tomorrow before work if i dont want to feel like a hobgoblin. i havent run in over a month and im starting to doubt whether or not its even possible for me to do so. im going to go to the gym and eliptocal it up just in case. that way i can feel like im burning calories and doing something even if im not really.
in other news, the caf. has been disappointing the last several days and i anxiously await my shift and hogan brothers and consequentially my 1/2 hoagie with all my special ingredients. i always talk about not getting a sandwhich when iwork but i always do. ahhh woe is me.
this is my first non-verse update in a while and im not really sure how to feel about it. i have a headache from the alcohol an i should be drinking water but none of it is cold so im having diet coke and greatly anticipating my breakfast/wahtevermeal of tomorrow. i think im hungrier here than i am at home. i don know why this is. probably because of all my extreme brain activity burning calories like the mother fucking iron man.
i drank too much tonight and then proceeded, obviously, to eat too much. this is the general way of things and i must work out tomorrow before work if i dont want to feel like a hobgoblin. i havent run in over a month and im starting to doubt whether or not its even possible for me to do so. im going to go to the gym and eliptocal it up just in case. that way i can feel like im burning calories and doing something even if im not really.
in other news, the caf. has been disappointing the last several days and i anxiously await my shift and hogan brothers and consequentially my 1/2 hoagie with all my special ingredients. i always talk about not getting a sandwhich when iwork but i always do. ahhh woe is me.
this is my first non-verse update in a while and im not really sure how to feel about it. i have a headache from the alcohol an i should be drinking water but none of it is cold so im having diet coke and greatly anticipating my breakfast/wahtevermeal of tomorrow. i think im hungrier here than i am at home. i don know why this is. probably because of all my extreme brain activity burning calories like the mother fucking iron man.
Monday, September 24, 2007
If you want blood, you got it
long drive back to northfield. on the drives when im by myself i always think of really clever things to write in my blog but now ive forgotten them all and im too tired to try and remember. i wish i were back in schaumburg.
"He could not live away from her.
This was the way with them: they were
Like honeysuckle which you see
Wrapped around a hazel tree;
When it takes hold there and has bound
The trunk with tendrils all around,
They will live, both vine and stem,
But should someone uncouple them,
Then the hazel quickly dies,
And the honeysuckle likewise.
'So we, fair friend, can never be-
I without you; you without me.'"
Chevrefoil
"He could not live away from her.
This was the way with them: they were
Like honeysuckle which you see
Wrapped around a hazel tree;
When it takes hold there and has bound
The trunk with tendrils all around,
They will live, both vine and stem,
But should someone uncouple them,
Then the hazel quickly dies,
And the honeysuckle likewise.
'So we, fair friend, can never be-
I without you; you without me.'"
Chevrefoil
Friday, September 21, 2007
Thursday, September 20, 2007
home in 20 hours
deer bandits (12:04:27 AM) : i might drag you in express but only quickly
frack698 (12:04:45 AM) : ill hang at the helio stand outside
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
miss you
A voice said, Look me in the stars
And tell me truly, men of earth,
If all the soul-and-body scars
Were not too much to pay for birth.
-robert frost
And tell me truly, men of earth,
If all the soul-and-body scars
Were not too much to pay for birth.
-robert frost
Monday, September 17, 2007
what do you do with an English major?
I've spent the last hour or so looking at the websites st. olaf has linked for job opportunities based on area of study. I've looked at pretty much everything from environmental protection to publishing and editing for Random House. The problem i have with all these job postings is that they all require 2-3 years experience in publishing or marketing or editing or the like. Where am i supposed to get these 2-3 years of experience before i apply for the "real" job at Random House? Even the small publishing houses ive never heard of in middle of nowhere Oregon still have this 2-3 years of experience requirement. I'm pretty far away from having that much experience and i'm wondering if ill be doing unpaid internships until then commuting from the Billhymer's homestead in schaumburg illinois because i can't afford anything on my own. This is worrysome. Especially when i think of the unpaid internships not really counting as "years" of experience, even if i do several of them over the course of 2-3 years.
i don't know if i should give up this whole career after college thing and get back on the grad school path. Its the only direction that seemed relatively safe and easy to get to. Of course the thought of staying in school for another 2 years after my undergrad sentence is up is daunting to say the least. But grad school would be different right? Just like college is so much different from high school. I'm of the opinion that life pretty much stays like high school forever. Thats just the median maturity level for most Americans today regardless of age/gender/income. Also- if i just believe people don't ever get anymore tolerable than they were at age 15, ill always be pleasantly surprised when someone does act like a decent human being.
so the job hunt continues and who knows what kind of career ill end up with. The search for an internship that will accept me will most likely end in failure but ill press on none-the-less. I can't imagine being on the Oregon Trail with my family and covered wagon. I think i would refuse to go but then i would be straying from the idea of the "true woman." This was just a random digression into the social injustices regarding gender in the 19th century. I would like to think that if i lived during that time i would be like Annie Oakley or Calamity Jane but more likely, i would be just a domestic and obedient wife, ready to cook for my husband and rear my children until my uterus is dried up. and even then id still have to cook for him while hes out doing log rolling contests or whatever stupid ass men did in those days to prove they were the shit.
i don't know if i should give up this whole career after college thing and get back on the grad school path. Its the only direction that seemed relatively safe and easy to get to. Of course the thought of staying in school for another 2 years after my undergrad sentence is up is daunting to say the least. But grad school would be different right? Just like college is so much different from high school. I'm of the opinion that life pretty much stays like high school forever. Thats just the median maturity level for most Americans today regardless of age/gender/income. Also- if i just believe people don't ever get anymore tolerable than they were at age 15, ill always be pleasantly surprised when someone does act like a decent human being.
so the job hunt continues and who knows what kind of career ill end up with. The search for an internship that will accept me will most likely end in failure but ill press on none-the-less. I can't imagine being on the Oregon Trail with my family and covered wagon. I think i would refuse to go but then i would be straying from the idea of the "true woman." This was just a random digression into the social injustices regarding gender in the 19th century. I would like to think that if i lived during that time i would be like Annie Oakley or Calamity Jane but more likely, i would be just a domestic and obedient wife, ready to cook for my husband and rear my children until my uterus is dried up. and even then id still have to cook for him while hes out doing log rolling contests or whatever stupid ass men did in those days to prove they were the shit.
Sunday, September 16, 2007
for someone who doesn't read this
on the off chance that you do, for some random reason, decide to look at this, i just want you to know how much i love you. youre everything to me. i'm sorry for everything i did. im sorry for everything ive ever done in the past. im sorry for constantly expecting you to end up acting like steve. there are a lot of things i wish i could do differently and more successfully in our relationship but i'm trying so hard. please don't give up on me. i want to be perfect for you and everything you could want/look for in another person because thats what you are for me. im sorry if this sounds tacky and cliche but its true and it won't ever change. part of me hopes you do read this but a bigger part of me knows you probably won't. maybe ill read this to you on the phone since i can't seem to ever get the write words out when i actually want to. im scared youll decide this isnt worth the trouble but i want to do everything in my power to prove to you that it is. i love you. more than youll ever know.
we are more than most will ever find.
we are more than most will ever find.
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Everything I'm thinking/feeling/being/loving
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)
e.e. cummings
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)
e.e. cummings
i believe in us
"A kiss, and all was said."
Victor Hugo
I couldn't describe anything more perfectly.
8 days.
Victor Hugo
I couldn't describe anything more perfectly.
8 days.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
im ok youre ok. mxpx sucks. courtney doesnt.
What is your favorite song of all time?
Do you own any pets, and if so what do you have? half horse half lamb half ixy
Who do you admire most? not really anyone
Do you have any tattoos, and if so what and where? i wish
When do you plan on getting married? it gets earlier everytime im asked, 24 is the number of the day
Get the number or give the number? uh neither
Romance or Kinky Sex? It depends on the mood
How do you feel? sad, lonely, anxious, scared
What size shoe do you wear? 9.5 (i'm honest)
Water or 100% Juice? water
T-Mobile, U.S. Cellular, Cingular/AT&T, or Sprint/Nextel? just not verizon. ugh.
Would you rather be hot or cold? cold
Would you rather lose an arm or a leg? a baby toe
Favorite Place to Eat? anywhere really. somewhere italian...
Opera, Musical, Concert, Play, Performance, or Other? Concert or play!
What is your favorite clothing brand? fuck them all im too broke.
Most Memorable Past? everything this summer and spring break 2003 of course.
Most embarrassing moment? buying the wrong cigarettes.
If you had to pick one car, which would it be? Pink H1, or any H1
Your favorite Disney Films? MIRACLE!
Why did the chicken cross the road? to be alone
Do you support Paris? probably not
Where is Waldo? the waiting room at the dentist
Favorite element? aluminum
What was your last thought? i really have to pee
Firefox, Internet Explorer, Netscape, or other? Firefox
Who are you going to vote for in 2008? I'm probably not going to vote. OOPS.
Juice and crackers or milk and cookies? milk and cookies any day
Favorite fruit? plum, grapes
Which is worse? A bad laugh or a bad cough? bad laugh, i should know, i have one.
Are you a cat or a dog person? 75/25 dogs to cats
Would you rather be blind or deaf? deaf i think
Define yourself in 3 words... messy, lonely, disaster.
Do you eat cold cereal at night? I would if i had cereal... or cold...
What is your favorite TV show? Friends will never let you down
Kill the spider or let it out? KILL THAT SHIT
Do you shower every single day? yeah usually
Walking past a beggar, spare change or ignore? probably give everything i own because im such a sucker
Boat or bus? boat if i have taken dramamine
What is your favorate Pj Fabric? SKIN! hahaha
Where do you want to travel next? New Zealand
What would you do if Michael Jackson asked you out? laugh and ask for money instead
What is your favorite food? italian or pizza or mcdonalds
Do you read harry potter books? hell YES
What is your favorite place? matt's bed... ideally with matt or matt's backyard with matt and stog.
If you could have one super human power what would you choose? the ability to get a 4.0!!!!
Have you had a beer in the last week? many
Vitamin Water or Gatorade? both are delicious except the pink vit wat is nasty. riptide rush gat. prob.
Favorite body part? arms, hands, necks
Flip flops or sandles? FLIP
What do you do on fridays? consider driving home
Do you like bananas? indeed
How tall are you?
5'9
Do you own any pets, and if so what do you have? half horse half lamb half ixy
Who do you admire most? not really anyone
Do you have any tattoos, and if so what and where? i wish
When do you plan on getting married? it gets earlier everytime im asked, 24 is the number of the day
Get the number or give the number? uh neither
Romance or Kinky Sex? It depends on the mood
How do you feel? sad, lonely, anxious, scared
What size shoe do you wear? 9.5 (i'm honest)
Water or 100% Juice? water
T-Mobile, U.S. Cellular, Cingular/AT&T, or Sprint/Nextel? just not verizon. ugh.
Would you rather be hot or cold? cold
Would you rather lose an arm or a leg? a baby toe
Favorite Place to Eat? anywhere really. somewhere italian...
Opera, Musical, Concert, Play, Performance, or Other? Concert or play!
What is your favorite clothing brand? fuck them all im too broke.
Most Memorable Past? everything this summer and spring break 2003 of course.
Most embarrassing moment? buying the wrong cigarettes.
If you had to pick one car, which would it be? Pink H1, or any H1
Your favorite Disney Films? MIRACLE!
Why did the chicken cross the road? to be alone
Do you support Paris? probably not
Where is Waldo? the waiting room at the dentist
Favorite element? aluminum
What was your last thought? i really have to pee
Firefox, Internet Explorer, Netscape, or other? Firefox
Who are you going to vote for in 2008? I'm probably not going to vote. OOPS.
Juice and crackers or milk and cookies? milk and cookies any day
Favorite fruit? plum, grapes
Which is worse? A bad laugh or a bad cough? bad laugh, i should know, i have one.
Are you a cat or a dog person? 75/25 dogs to cats
Would you rather be blind or deaf? deaf i think
Define yourself in 3 words... messy, lonely, disaster.
Do you eat cold cereal at night? I would if i had cereal... or cold...
What is your favorite TV show? Friends will never let you down
Kill the spider or let it out? KILL THAT SHIT
Do you shower every single day? yeah usually
Walking past a beggar, spare change or ignore? probably give everything i own because im such a sucker
Boat or bus? boat if i have taken dramamine
What is your favorate Pj Fabric? SKIN! hahaha
Where do you want to travel next? New Zealand
What would you do if Michael Jackson asked you out? laugh and ask for money instead
What is your favorite food? italian or pizza or mcdonalds
Do you read harry potter books? hell YES
What is your favorite place? matt's bed... ideally with matt or matt's backyard with matt and stog.
If you could have one super human power what would you choose? the ability to get a 4.0!!!!
Have you had a beer in the last week? many
Vitamin Water or Gatorade? both are delicious except the pink vit wat is nasty. riptide rush gat. prob.
Favorite body part? arms, hands, necks
Flip flops or sandles? FLIP
What do you do on fridays? consider driving home
Do you like bananas? indeed
How tall are you?
5'9
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
i search for you in poetry
"Little you know the subtle electric fire that for your sake is playing within me."
"I stop somewhere waiting for you."
Walt Whitman
"I stop somewhere waiting for you."
Walt Whitman
ode to stolaf.
The campus is gorgeous
The professors are great
If it werent for the students
I'd have it made
The professors are great
If it werent for the students
I'd have it made
get on the incu bus
To see you when I wake up
Is a gift I didn't think could be real.
To know that you feel the same as I do
Is a three-fold, utopian dream.
You do something to me that I can´t explain.
So would I be out of line if i said
I miss you.
I see your picture,
I smell your skin on the empty pillow, next to mine.
You have only been gone ten days
But already I´m wasting away.
I know I´ll see you again
Whether far or soon.
But I need you to know that I care
And, I miss You.
Is a gift I didn't think could be real.
To know that you feel the same as I do
Is a three-fold, utopian dream.
You do something to me that I can´t explain.
So would I be out of line if i said
I miss you.
I see your picture,
I smell your skin on the empty pillow, next to mine.
You have only been gone ten days
But already I´m wasting away.
I know I´ll see you again
Whether far or soon.
But I need you to know that I care
And, I miss You.
Monday, September 10, 2007
something is missing
my heart only feels half full.
something is missing.
you are missing.
everyday.everyday.everyday.everyday.
i want to come back home.
something is missing.
you are missing.
everyday.everyday.everyday.everyday.
i want to come back home.
You are the smell before rain
you are the blood in my veins.
the distance is worth it. everyday is worth it. i don't think i will be a very good english major.
you are my other half. my better half.
I can't wait to go home. i can't wait for the drive with court and the great hug waiting for me from matt.
11.11.11.11.11.
i miss you terribly.
the distance is worth it. everyday is worth it. i don't think i will be a very good english major.
you are my other half. my better half.
I can't wait to go home. i can't wait for the drive with court and the great hug waiting for me from matt.
11.11.11.11.11.
i miss you terribly.
Friday, September 07, 2007
I can't sleep tonight
I miss matt. This is harder than i ever could have anticipated or imagined. Its only been a few days but i cant handle it. i can't sleep because i can't stop thinking about how badly i want to be at home or anywhere with matt.
matt matt matt you are my life
"Time is the longest distance between two places."
Tennessee Williams
i hope this works out forever.
matt matt matt you are my life
"Time is the longest distance between two places."
Tennessee Williams
i hope this works out forever.
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
depressing
there is only so much online shopping a person can do before life starts to melt away in front of you.
i need to get a life.
i need to get out of northfield.
i miss matt
and courtney
this is just a sad state of affairs.
i need to get a life.
i need to get out of northfield.
i miss matt
and courtney
this is just a sad state of affairs.
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
hating every minute of it
i miss matt. i think im going to watch say anything tonight. i dont want to go to class tomorrow. its really hot in my room. st. olaf is awful. worse than ever. im going to winona this weekend.