Someday at Christmas

I'm excited for break if for no other reason than to get away from the constant status updating about studying for finals. SHUT UP. we are all studying finals. I really don't understand why you think telling everyone about how many hours you've been studying today is important or worthwhile or relevant to anyone else. I studied today and THEN I TOOK A NAP! oh my god! ill probably fail because I haven't stared aimlessly at my notes for hours on end. Jesus christ. and now I'm updating this instead of studying neuro. and don't even get me started on histo.

Its taking every ounce of self control i have to not go into the kitchen and eat handfuls of apple cinnamon cheerios. that is one of the saddest statements of 2012.

the christmas stockings are as empty as my heart.



grinchy grinch grinch.

Those days you forget to wear deodorant

Messy stressy. I have a headache. How did it already become Wednesday night?!!?! this anatomy lab final is going to kill me... at least it will if psycho kitten doesn't kill me first. I think he is more than 5 pounds now. But it is really hard to tell. He still seems tiny compared to adult cats. I can't believe i have finals next week. I love getting emails about the interest that my loan is collecting. At least they only disburss 20k at a time so I had one semester with interest only collected on that 20,000 instead of the full 40! yay! stacks on stacks on stacks. I'm very ready for Christmas break.

Lady Lazarus

I wanted to go to bed early because this day was just terrible. But now i just want to watch movies. I started "Lost" against my better judgment. I should have watched "Much Ado About Nothing" because it is a great play. I wanted to name Olive "Hero" but I didn't think anyone would get that it was a Shakespeare reference. Plus if you damage the spinal cord, everything is not "FINE" once you sew them up. I know that much is true.

Atlas is not being the devil tonight. which is nice for a change.

The quiz today was absolutely awful.

Am I still what you're looking for?

I am grateful for everyday my cat is not satan


I can't be anyone but who I've always been.

I will always burn the popcorn. I will always be the loudest person in the room. I will always be stubborn and impatient. I will always sing the same verse of one song over and over again. I will always be outspoken. I will always prefer sweatpants over jeans. I will always love lame sitcoms. I will always hate going to clubs. I will always start projects I don't finish. I will always be terrible at crafts. I will always want to go out to eat rather than cook. I will always love beer, even if I don't drink it. I will always be melodramatic. I will always exaggerate everything. I will always need an SSRI. I will always be annoyed with stupid people. I will always be a cynic. I will always be trying to reach self-actualization. I will always push buttons. I will always hate doing laundry. I will always want to order dessert. I will always steal your fries. I will always hate driving.

I will always answer your calls. I will always laugh at your jokes. I will always bake you cupcakes. I will always go on bike rides with you. I will always try to make you laugh. I will always watch scary movies with you. I will always eat pizza with you. I will always tell you that you're smart and capable. I will always believe we have a future. I will always support you. I will always miss you when I'm gone. I will always wait up for you to come home. I will always surprise you with beer. I will always go to hot yoga with you. I will always pick you up if you can't drive home. I will always hold your hand. I will always want to be your family. I will always love you .

i take the right pills everyday

why am i failing at succeeding at so many different things at the same time?

divide and fall apart.

monday tuesday wednesday thursday friday saturday. repeat. so simple and so impossible. in my dreams i am the person you need. in my dreams i can save myself.


"It's about time that I came clean with you
I'm no longer fine, I'm no longer running smooth
I thought that I'd found myself onto something new
Just one more line I repeat over and over again

Until I'm blue in the face with a choking regret
As I talk in circles around you on my bed
Can't say I blamed you one bit when you kept it all inside
When you left that night

It's about time that you got sick of me
No longer fun and so far from interesting
I thought that I found me a cure for feeling old
Just one more line to keep me sleeping loudly and cold

In disgrace with a shameful regret
As I speak in tongues to myself in my bed
Can't say I blamed you one bit when you kept it all inside
When you left that night

And all that followed fell like mercury to hell
Somehow we lost our heads for the last time
And all that followed fell like mercury to hell
Somehow we lost our heads for the last time"

i'll be ready for the funeral

we are not strong enough to get through a bad weekend. we are too far gone to remember what we ever had that was worth fighting for. we are too exhausted to look for it. we said so many things and made so many plans that don't seem to matter anymore. "If you love someone but you just can't seem to get it together, when do you get to the point where enough is enough?" "never." that idea was always something to hold on to when i felt like we were drowning. but it really doesn't save you if only one person believes it. I'm still saying never but i think you're saying today.



Build a wall of books between us in our bed
Repeat, repeat the words that I know we both said
Relax into the need
We get so comfortable
Remember when I was so strange and likeable

I just want back in your head
I just want back in your head
I'm not unfaithful
But I'll stray
When I get a little scared
When I get a little scared

When I jerk away from holding hands with you
I know these habits hurt important parts of you
Remember when I was sweet and unexplainable
Nothing like this person, unlovable

I just want back in your head
I just want back in your head
I'm not unfaithful
But I'll stray
When I get a little scared
When I get a little scared
When I get a little scared

I just want back in your head
I just want back in your head 

I felt you in my legs before I even met you And when I lay beside you for the first time I told you I feel you in my heart and I don't even know you
And now we're saying bye, bye, bye Now we're saying bye, bye, bye I was nineteen, call me
I felt you in my life before I even thought to Felt the need to lay down beside you and tell you I feel you in my heart and I don't even know you
And now we're saying bye, bye, bye Now we're saying bye, bye, bye I was nineteen, call me I was nineteen, call me
Flew home, back to where we met Stayed inside I was so upset I cooked up a plan, so good except I was all alone, you were all I had
Love you, you were all mine Love me, I was yours, right? I was yours, right?

Read more: TEGAN AND SARA - NINETEEN LYRICS

I felt you in my legs before I even met you And when I lay beside you for the first time I told you I feel you in my heart and I don't even know you
And now we're saying bye, bye, bye Now we're saying bye, bye, bye I was nineteen, call me
I felt you in my life before I even thought to Felt the need to lay down beside you and tell you I feel you in my heart and I don't even know you
And now we're saying bye, bye, bye Now we're saying bye, bye, bye I was nineteen, call me I was nineteen, call me
Flew home, back to where we met Stayed inside I was so upset I cooked up a plan, so good except I was all alone, you were all I had
Love you, you were all mine Love me, I was yours, right? I was yours, right?

Read more: TEGAN AND SARA - NINETEEN LYRICS

over and out

everything was beautiful and nothing hurt.

years built on sand

When there is nothing left to burn, you have to set yourself on fire.


Emptiness caught the better half of me
Concrete is my memory
My blood turned into a mean streak
Twisting every part of us.
Don’t say it’s all
don’t say it’s all been lost.

tortuous and torturous

Today was the first lab practical of anatomy and it was ridiculous. nothing brings you down quite like the equine hind limb. to say it was a brutal and violent slaughter of self-confidence would be an understatement. and for Shakespeare to have written tragedies without ever having taken gross anatomy, that's the real tragedy. who knows how sad and tragic Ophelia's character could have been if he had.

the youth of the nation

my kitten has no concept of object permanence.

The times, changes, etc.

sometimes i think about the people who used to dominate the way i felt about myself and I honestly cant believe it. the beauty of facebook is that it allows me to see everyone in a new light, in a revelatory light. my parents were right. the people i cared about so deeply when i was 13 ended up amounting to nothing. like seriously nothing. i almost feel bad saying it because there is a nostalgic part of me that naively believes these ridiculous people know i exist.

i also feel bad saying anyone amounted to nothing because who am i to judge? but this is my forum and its full of my judgments already so i might as well just alienate myself even further. let us say, for argument's sake, that my idea of 'amounting to nothing' involves not going to going to college/going to jail/being a career whole foods employee. because in this version of my life, those three scenarios adequately describe the current status of the people i thought were SOOO cool in my formative years.

i don't want to dwell on the jail thing, because frankly its not really that funny and i don't know much about it. but suffice it to say that when you are making facebook status updates about how you spent the last 40 days in cook county department of corrections, its time to rethink your life choices. i guess shit happens when you date musicians who are famous for 5 minutes before falling off the face of the earth.

HW is obviously the more entertaining character in this story. The recording artist, self-proclaimed health guru, and whole foods employee with an ill-founded vendetta against modern medicine. I could go on all day but i really have significantly more important things to do. i really just want to quote and laugh at a few brilliantly ignorant comments he has made public to the world via facebook, obviously.

"Your body has amazing healing capabilities if fed organic fruits and vegetables. Disease and cancer cannot exist in an alkaline environment" 

this is a moment when "WTF" is a totally appropriate response. first of all, i would say cancer could potentially exist anywhere. it is like the cockroach of disease. it is a survivor. it will never get voted off the island. Secondly, your body will never be an "alkaline environment." what does that even mean? UGH i could write a dissertation on how fucking moronic that sentence is. maybe i will if i get into an Oncology residency

"you get what you deserve in life."

no. you get what you get in life, whether you deserve it or not is completely irrelevant.


the take away message here is that my parents have been right about 98% of the time throughout my life. and i've been right about 40% of the time. i can only hope that as i get older (and obviously wiser) that i will be right about things more often than i'm not. anyway, this is my only rant before midterms.

i cant wait to go home for thanksgiving and see my darling Matt so we can watch movies and eat popcorn all week.

Cats are not small dogs

I would love to pass midterms. It is both relieving and terrifying that I only have 5 days until the anatomy/histology/radiology practical and 7 days until day one of midterms. Vet school may be a marathon, but the next week is just an all out sprint.


Thanksgiving, I will see you soon.

the country that eats its young

I think it takes balls to be a conservative woman today. and that is pathetic. It is just really not cool to be anything other than liberal. I'm so sick of the propaganda. I'm sick of people saying that conservatives are all homophobic, woman-hating, and uneducated. I'm sick of people deciding to be democrats but remaining completely politically ignorant.

I'm glad everyone voted for Obama because he's such a rock star. It is irrelevant that he's done absolutely nothing the last 4 years. It's MUCH better to have a sitting duck presidency than take all the (completely rational) risks associated with electing Romney, i.e. converting the whole country to Mormonism, making abortion illegal, taking away the right to vote from women, black people, and hispanics, and, of course, stealing from the poor and giving to the rich. That about sums up his platform, right?

does anyone who voted for Obama really know what his platform was for his second term? does anyone who voted for Obama know what a political platform is? DOWN WITH THE 1%, right? yeah. that about sums it up.

Here is my selfish political agenda:
1. I don't believe in the redistribution of wealth. at all. I want to decide what happens to the money I make.
2. I don't want to give any of my money to fight wars that don't involve me or my country.
3. I don't believe in welfare. at all.
4. I don't believe in punishing successful businesses or making up arbitrary income amounts (i.e. $250k./year) that guide tax brackets
5. I do believe in hard work
6. I do believe in personal accountability and an individually determined sense of moral obligation
7. I do believe in free will
8. I do believe in capitalism
9. I do believe in a balanced FUCKING budget

There is truly no such thing as a free lunch and I promise you, despite what he says, Obama can't give you one.

Today will not live on in infamy. But someone in the future is going to look back and wonder what could have possibly motivated us to make this decision for the future of our country.

drink coffee, make more, try to stay alive

This morning I dropped my foster "Hazel" off at 6:45 and she continues her trip from the dirty south up to Minneapolis. She was an extremely sweet and emaciated little Pitbull who had recently had puppies. Judging by her perfectly white teeth, she was probably less than 2 years old. Despite the fact that she had no table manners, tried to eat my dinner out of my hands, pooped on my floor right in front of me, was in heat and actively bleeding, and probably had fleas that she gave to my apartment, i really liked her.

i'm not going to get on my soap box about Pitbulls because i feel like i'm always on a soap box about something. and i hate the phrase "get on a soap box." why is it so common? or if it isn't common, why is it common at illinois vet med? because I heard it at least 5 times during the 2 days of orientation and i have heard it sporadically since then; and now i'm using it! where was i going with this? Right. Pitbulls. They are as nice and sweet as any other dog could potentially be (with the obvious exception of Sheba Inus, who are incapable of being sweet without malicious undertones... or just incapable period.) HAH! not kidding.

Today I pick up Atlas at 3! I've already spent at least $100 on cat stuff and that doesn't even include a litter box or litter or food. well it includes a little bit of food. I'm a very concerned cat owner already hahaha. Thanks to the Purina and Hills feeding programs, I can ALMOST afford to feed him only wet food, which is the goal. I'm worried he will be bored when I'm at class. especially on mondays and wednesdays when I'm gone from 9-6.  why am i getting a 12 week old kitten?!!? I guess i really am a masochist.

Its amazing how much time i spend studying and now i say things like  "I only got 2 or 3 solid hours of studying done yesterday, but I swear I'll be more productive today."

Today, if i play my cards right, I should get at least 6 hours and hopefully 7.

I just want to get a C on this quiz tomorrow but i would obviously also accept a B. The idea of an A is hilarious!

cranial tibial! cranial tibial! cranial tibial!

weathering well the perpetual storm

Will we ever know how close I came to being broken? I don't think I will ever get to be one of those people who is the same person all the time. I can't even stay the same person throughout a day. this doesn't make sense. maybe I'm the bipolar one. I feel like i am burning and drowning at the same time. all these tiny battles against myself that i just cannot win. i want the version of my life where i am given everything and i am happy. because the version where i am given everything and i am not happy is exhausting.

Can you chase this fire away?


"And as the world comes to an end
I'll be here to hold your hand
Cause you're my king and I'm your lionheart."
of monsters and men

am i doing something wrong? probably.

sometimes i feel like people here do like me, but then they never actually invite me out anywhere or try to hang out with me. its like everyone bonded with everyone else but somehow i missed out on that. maybe i act like i don't care; i think i've even partially convinced myself that i don't. but apparently i do because it totally bums me out when i'm at home on a saturday night and the rest of my class is out at bars together. even if i don't even want to go out with them. i would really just like to hang out with my boyfriend. its easy and comfortable and i know he actually likes me.

and why am i so overly agreeable around new people?  why do i pretend to like things that i clearly dont? why do i have extensive conversations with my peers here about bullshit that i could not care less about? why do i even tolerate people here who brag about how much they study and how much they know and how MOTHER FUCKING smart they are? why do i worry about what these people will think of me? and, more importantly, why do i even think they can see anyone beyond their own over-inflated egos.

i can only be this version of myself. 


so far i really don't like vet school. and i have no idea what to do about that.


why is every step i take just a means to an end? is my life really just a means to a means with no end?


why am i in a perpetual state of existential crisis?


oh. wait. this is why no one invites me out.

the epitome of productivity

I just came into my living room to sit down and study (more) with my second glass of wine and I was thinking about what a witty and clever facebook status I could make about some non-existent adage that wine is a proven study aid for gross anatomy memorization when I spilled my wine all over the floor. This could have happened because either a) it is in my very nature to spill/break anything and everything I touch or b) God is trying to ruin my witty facebook status while at the same time telling me i shouldn't be drinking while i study.

I decided it was probably choice b (because I am that egocentric); and just to throw it in God's face, I poured myself another glass of wine.

 On a semi-unrelated note, vet school is really hard. Don't believe anyone who says "the hardest part is getting in." That part actually wasn't that hard (said while patting myself on the back), the hard part is distinguishing between some muscle of the hind limb that i don't know and some other muscle of the hind limb that i don't know. The hard part is just staying sane after being in lecture for 19 hours a week and lab for 10 hours a week. 29 hours?! you really can't believe it, can you? Its enough formalin exposure to make your nose bleed (I should know because mine did.) Yeah, yeah, yeah, cry me a river. I asked for this didn't I? I spent 3 years working towards this, right? To quote the insightful words of my mother, "Audrey, you never like anything in the moment it is happening. You only like things in retrospect."

Now my wine is gone and I didn't get a chance to put my non-existent adage to the test.



“It takes a genius to whine appealingly.”
F.  Scott Fitzgerald 

me: its not open very late though so we might end up with pizza, UH OH!
matt: TRAGEDY!

it really is all about the little things.

Ode to Parenthood

Thank you for believing in me. It is so great that even though I majored in English and graduated with a GPA at least .4 points below the average of accepted veterinary students and yet still got through my prerequisite classes and gained acceptance to not one but THREE veterinary schools, you still don't think I am responsible enough to take care of a fucking cat. It is awesome that you think that you will end up with this cat when I fail at caring for it. Even though caring for it is what my whole fucking career is revolving around. I don't mean to get on a soap box but, for the love of God, I am getting my doctorate and you don't think I can handle a cat. Its not like I bought a Great Dane puppy from a breeder for $2000. Its amazing that for my whole life, I had no idea where I developed this self-centered and entitled view of the world, and the entire time, it has come from watching you. Thanks!

ENFP

For years, I have told people that when I took the Meyers Briggs Personality Inventory my freshman year in high school I ended up as an ENTP and not an ENFP (which I actually am). I actually think I do fall into some middle ground between the two, but that could be entirely because I have manipulated myself into being that way. I wish I were really as cunning and witty as I pretend to be. It seems like one letter is a minor change, but to me, that difference between thinking and feeling could undermine or support my entire position of credibility to a client. SAD.

Damages is such a good show. .It is worth losing sleep over. Also, I am done with my modules and ready to get completely skewered when lectures start in my first "real" quarter of vet school.

Wish me luck as I begin my journey into the abyss.

And when I skin my cadaver dog on Monday, I will prevail!

communication breakdown

If you think everything is running smoothly, don't worry, it is not.

waiting for superman

A thousand things I would like to comment regarding the future version of myself but I will refrain...

1. will i raise my children to be religious? or even to accept Christianity? I don't even know if I am really a true Christian despite the fact that I will always say I am Lutheran if someone asks what religion I am. The idea of religion is very difficult to me. I don't know if I truly feel like I believe in a higher power or if I just respect and worship my mother so much and to such a high degree that I can't imagine not believing in something in which she believes so strongly. I don't want to disappoint my mother or let down my children. Is there a religion or a system that will work?

2. Will I send my kids to public schools? Since I am a Republican, I don't feel any political obligation to put my kids in public school. Although, I don't feel I was failed by public schools. But I also don't feel like I was encouraged and pushed to meet my full potential, whatever that happened to be at the time. The most annoying thing ever is a democrat who preaches endlessly about how shitty public education is in America and how public schools have failed and how its our responsibility to fix them (and obviously raise taxes to do this),  and then they send their kids to private schools. I think good teachers are crucial and should be well payed and respected, but these unions are getting ridiculous and need major reform. I want to go to law school for the sole purpose of educational reform (and possibly some tort reform just for the fun of it.) At times, I have encouraged Matt to pursue secondary education because I know he would be great at teaching and reaching kids, but then I see how our education system is so utterly fucked and I bite my tongue.

Where do we go from here?

I eat the M&Ms out of trail mix

I submitted this picture of Axel for a calendar and I hope he wins! All the pictures I printed of Olive looked less cute so I am putting all my eggs in the Axel basket. If he wins, he gets a photo shoot hahahahahaha. I need to do laundry but don't want to walk next door to do it. I also need to finish my dentistry presentation on senior animal dental care.

I wish i could remember every one liner from 30 rock that i want to re-quote. If i watch too many episodes in a row, i start to imagine myself as Liz Lemon. As an unfunny, not-as-witty version of Liz Lemon.

How is my gas bill $74 this month? I only use the microwave! Being poor sucks. Also, I'm scared to apply for the Army scholarship because I don't want to lose clinical skills... or be sent to Ft Sill in Oklahoma. I'm just considering joining the reserves after graduation because they will pay my debt too, but not the interest, which sucks and will likely be at least $20,000 on its own. My debt is like buying a house; either a modest house in the suburbs, or a badass studio loft in uptown.

Last night, the debates made me love Ron Paul even more. Why is the world so blind to the rationality of libertarianism?

5 year engagement

today i extracted 3 teeth out of a dead dog head. when you don't have the leverage of the body, its really hard to get the teeth out. dentisty is definitely not the specialty for me. in a way this is good to know considering i change my mind about a specialty every day.

Silas was just drinking Refreshe seltzer water on Weeds. which is hilarious because it is the Safeway brand. I can't stand him right now.

my apartment is a mess. i hate cleaning more than almost anything else.

waiting to live, waiting to die

waiting for an absolution that would never come.

living alone is totally boring.

dentistry next week means practicing dentals on dead dog heads and getting out before lunch!

the junior surgery adoptable dogs are so fucking cute.

all i ever had, redemption songs

add it to the endless list of all the things i'll never miss.

i have this pillow with birds on it. i don't use it or the chair it sits on. but i like that they are there.

life changes so profoundly in ways we never could have predicted, but i still cry when i watch Forrest Gump and Titanic.

i hate meeting new people 97% of the time, which is why i am friends with 3% of my class.

entropy.

The Patriot?

I guess I'm joining the army. Wish me years of debt-free luck!

say something profound

I miss my dogs. I love goats. I miss home.

Things for this weekend:

1. see my pups
2. go to Bigby's
3. eat Lou's
4. sleep in

I'll be missing an Illini tailgate day, but I'm pretty sure I'll survive.

Song of myself

Happy 94th birthday, Paul Billhymer.

In light of that, the things I do on a daily basis are more than slightly unimpressive.

Now I just need to decide whether or not to join the army. In order to do that, I have to figure out what $200,000 is worth to me.

25 years or debt or 8 years of service?

The possibilities are endless.

Syncope

How do we know where to go from here? How do we know when to go there?

longing for something. more?

something is missing. or is it? how do we ever know what direction we should take? how do we ever know which path is less traveled? and if we should even take the path less traveled? How do we know if it will make any difference at all, let alone "all" the difference?

do we stop asking questions because we believe or do we stop asking questions because we stop caring about the answer?

when do we get to the point where enough is enough?

and then how do we keep going?

Two Hearted

I love oncology. I also love surgery.

I like the idea of specializing.

what budget?

As fiscally savvy as my parents have always been, it would have been nice to get a little guidance regarding the $160,000 of debt that I am about to have (and the $40,000 I currently do.) With 6.8% interest.

Living alone is also a lot more boring and lonely than I thought it would be.

I also kind of love my relationship. It is kind of awesome.

Specialties are  confusing. I don't know what I want to do. the idea of an additional 4 years after this first 4 is just crazy. But maybe worth it.

happier

i'm happy with my life. i'm happy with where it is going. i'm nervous about rotations.

bend not break

someday, if i pass, i'll be a doctor.

i dare anyone to say "not a real one."

The woods are lovely, dark and deep

Sawyer Exton
Isla Eleanor
Rowan Ione

2 guys, one cyst.

Matt and my dad popped a boil on top of my head today. I couldn't see but they said it was disgusting. They also said they couldn't get the core out so I have to wait another week for it to re-puss up and then they can try again.

I quit my job on Friday. I started crying when I hugged the boss that I've spent the last 3 years both complaining about and praising. In the end, however, I have no illusions of grandeur regarding the profession I am entering, and I feel more confident about my decision than I would if I had worked anywhere else. He even bought me a really nice stethoscope because I complained that I don't have any money left to buy one.

Matt and I are getting married at Crab Lake. 8/5/2017. seriously. I figure if we make it a decade before getting married, we might actually have a shot at making it until death.

My one year old goldendoodle limps horribly every day. I plan to get a CT scan on her elbow when I get down to school. I hope its something surgical and not something that could cut her life short but a decade. I just keep telling myself that if it were cancer, she would have died by now. How pleasant. This dog is my life. I am going to die at school without her. Its just too bad she loves Axel way more than me. I guess we all just want love from those unwilling to return it. I know she really does love me though... really...

This boil on my head really hurts. Thanks, dad.

I won't go my whole life telling you I don't need.

I wish I could start a blog over. I wish I could begin as a new person. I wish I could let go of everything that I have been for the last 10 years. I can't.

I burn and build bridges.

I was accepted at 3 of the 6 vet schools I applied to including Kansas State, UMN, and U of I. I'm starting at U of I in a few weeks. This is uncommon. I must interview well. I must lie well.

I'm moving to Champaign next week into a 1 bedroom apartment that is way too expensive for me. It doesn't have a dishwasher, washer/dryer, or AC. These loans are making me panic.

Yesterday, Matt got upset because I doubted the sincerity of a former friend who had reached out to him. He remarked that it was he who stopped talking to the friend first, and not the other way around; thus implying it is different from my own personal experiences with former friends. Truth. This induced a genuine panic attack that lasted well into the early morning.

I hate buying scrubs.

I've been tired for days and days.