I don't want to go to syracuse by myself. i don't want to start over. i don't want to be the only person i know there. i don't want to be myself. i don't want to hate where i am. i don't want to let go of this relationship. i don't want to suffer through not knowing what is going to happen. i dont want to listen to everyone telling me its not going to work. i dont want to hear about peoples problems. i dont want to go on pretending im so compassionate. i dont want to spend time with anyone but steve and keiko and a few select others. i dont want them to go to school so far away from me. i dont want to be 860 miles away from steve. i dont want people to keep telling me that my college experience will be "what i make of it" and that it doesnt matter where i go. i dont want people to sound somewhat put out when i say im going to syracuse. i dont want my family to be more excited about my best friend going to brown than me going to syracuse, granted it is more exciting. I dont want to keep not wanting things.
I want to live more, i want to laugh more, i want to take things less seriously. i want to be less emotional. i want to be on my own. i want to decorate my dorm. i want to meet my room mate. i want to have a good time at college. i want steve and keiko to have a good time at college. i want to get cool stuff to bring to college. i want this relationship to work. i want everything to work out. i want to be happy where i am. i want to carry mase with me nexxt year. i want to learn to paint. I want to go to the beach this summer. I want to go to Crab Lake. I want another puppy. I want to read more books (all the classics). I want to write steve and keiko emails everyday next year. I want to be optimistic about my future. i want to figure out what i want to do with my life. i want to have fun this summer. I want to stop thinking about college.