pain in my heart

ive been crying all night and cant stop

i wish things were different

theyre not.

you're my silver lining

tomorrow is four months.

it feels like forever.

it feels perfect.

i want to write to explain to the world that i'm not wasted potential. i want to write to let other people in the world know that they arent alone and that becoming the person you are destined to be is a full time job in darkness with not necessarily any sort of light at the end of the tunnel.

i want to know that i'm not the only one who wastes thousands of dollars getting mediocre grades and feeling completely insignificant in a world of determined and motivated people. i need to know that i will eventually get the hang of it even if i never really understand it. Right now i feel like im in limbo. im not a kid and im not an adult. im not an academic but i'm not a drop out. i'm from a family of literary genius and yet i can't write. i dont know if this really means i'm incapable of writing or if i just having found any successful methods.

my parents insist that i am not trying my hardest. and i guess its true i dont study every waking moment of my life. like right now, for instance, i'm writing in this instead of reviewing for an in class essay tomorrow. but i don't know how i can study when i just cant stop thinking about everything else. i would like to believe that other people have just as much trouble as i do with making it through the day. its not that i want to fail my classes. its not that i dont want to do well in every aspect of my life. but theres a ringing in my ears that doesn't seem to ever go away and i can't really see the world, let alone understand it, through all the noise.

trapped in the amber of this moment

there are a lot of things i wish i could do better. i feel like lloyd dobbler because i dont really know what i'm good at besides loving matt. i dont know how to feel about that because its something im really glad im good at. and if i can be happy and make matt happy, what else matters?

"What I really want to do with my life - what I want to do for a living - is I want to be with your daughter. I'm good at it."
say anything

also chaucer sucks. and i like to read important books but not his.

"The most important thing I learned... was that when a person dies he only appears to die. He is still very much alive in the past, so it is very silly for people to cry at his funeral. All moments, past, present, and future, always have existed, always will exist."
kurt vonnegut

The world works in mysterious ways

fuck UIC

cause afterall, you're my wonderwall

i can't wait to go home. i'm so excited to sleep in my own bed with axle on the floor next to me and matt coming over and going over to matts and it only being a 2 minute drive.

i feel sick to my stomach and also like there is a brick on my chest. i dont know what this is from but its bothering me.

the drive home is so nice and relaxing with court and at the same time my stomach is in knots and im so anxious and nervous.

i will come home to an empty house with only eric. this kind of is depressing but kind of nice at the same time. i think eric is the only person in my family who really gets me.

i keep forgetting to take my medicine and i think that might be a reason why i feel sick. i hate when i do that.

i'm also sick of eating hogan brothers and dont really want to anymore.

most people at st olaf annoy me and most customers at hogan brothers drive me insane.

Always do what you are afraid to do.

If i held this to be completely true, maybe i would go to Rome for j-term but i don't really count that because its so expensive and not really something i've been dying to do, though now i am afraid to do it.

im also afraid to write my chaucer paper but im conquering that fear as we speak. or as i write. which i guess im kind of not becaus eim doing this instead but i have my intro done. WOO. only like 850 more words to go!

as a junior and also an english major, you would think citations would be no problem for me but alas, i still get them wrong, almost all the time.

Go-Tarts are not filling. dont believe anyone who says they are.

im hungry.

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

its funny when you spend so much time taking care of other people when they are drunk and sick and then when you are you realize that theres no one there taking care of you.

thats actually sad not funny.

i dont really want to go to work tonight.

or write my chaucer paper afterwards. which is what my night's plan is.

home in five days.

i want your lungs to stop working without me

i lied before, i would marry you now.

"I felt you in my life before I ever thought to."
teganandsara

Gryffindor! hear me ROAR!

I can't wait to go home. I don't want to write this slave paper. I don't want to do any work at all.

katie= ravenclaw
sam= ravenclaw
natalie= ravenclaw
greta= hufflepuff
jaye= hufflepuff
ann= gryffindor
me= gryffindor

we ain't no slytherins.

i need a tattoo. i dream about them.

all eyes are on me now

we've got so many friends who wear their feet too big for their shoes.

i'm going to get a tattoo over winter break. i really just don't care about what my mom says.

my new month of minutes started on the 21st of september and as of today, the 2nd of october, i have already used 548 of my 700 minutes. yeahhhhhh this isn't going to work.

i just want back into your head. mis miss misss missssssssss you mattttttt.