I am no Calliope. I am no Aurora. I am no Ragnorak.

I am a fool, but i am not The Fool.

and forever may i wander seeking answers to unanswerable questions, all the while searching for my bohemia.

i realized this last year. your turn.


i think when it comes down to it. the only thing that really matters in life is love. and well if you can't deal with that then youre fucked. after everything else goes away. after everything else gets old. after there's nothing left to buy, or see, or accomplish, there is always something left to feel. love isn't a competition. there are no winners and losers. Its not about how long you date a certain guy, and its not about knowing everything about the other person. Its not about anything except love. There are no limitations on love either. you don't have to be 18 or 21 or 35 to understand it. there are no borders being drawn with emotions. you feel them and you are capable of feeling them at any age. saying it is impossible to be in love in high school is a statement made out of complete ignorance. love is a feeling. but it not always synonymous with pain or loss or longing. getting dumped and feeling upset about it doesn't mean you were in love. although it is often mistaken for it. the amount of time you know someone has no effect on the amount of love you may have for them. although it grows over time, it doesn't have to start small. there is no need to fight about it. there is no need to be protective or paranoid. all the worrying is a waste of energy.

i miss my pretty baby princess of the north and i hope i can see him soon. sunday. i also miss my other baby, courtney. ohhhhhhhhhhhhh dreadful. i miss everyone. hmm i can't really think of anything else.


with love from texas
audrey

and here is my first post on this blog ever. its from Tuesday, December 10th, 2002. i'm old school with this now.

Well it's december 10th and i'm starting this off by making the assumption that if you're reading this you know me. So today i without a doubt failed the chemistry test. i got about 3 bloody noses. i'm going to start keeping a record. Student council tomorrow. Charlie wants me to do jump training with him but i doubt i could last a day. Court and i said we were going to start working out. i hope that starts soon i'm quickly becoming a fatass. I just realized in 6 days it will be a year since i started going out with greg. time flies when you're not having any fun. right now i'm listening to jimmy eat world. lately i've been listening to the used, glasseater, and some indie like cursive and brighteyes. i just made up this song the other day. i think it will end up being about friends, and maybe how the ones from other schools suck.

there's something unsettling about this outline for Catcher in the Rye. i guess i'll go to bed and then wake up in the morning and do this outline. finish it. i wonder what prompts people to be mean. i would also like to know how many hours of my life ive spent within a 15 foot radius of courtney. id like to rant about straightedge but i find myself lacking energy and motive. i am looking forward to leaving this godforsaken town that is woodfield. woodfield, the shopping mecca. I wonder when i get to have my "fall" from innocence or if i already had it.

ps. to myself since im the only one who reads this- lauren's theory of the fact that she's supposed to have been born 90 years ago- i have an argument for that. you know those stupid patches that say "nebraska is for lovers" or whatever? well id like to own one that says "chicago is for fatalists" just because it seems right.

searching my name on google to find some wild and crazy pictures has no point because the only pictures that come up, besides porn, are:

1. Audrey Hepburn
2. Audrey Tautou
3. Audrey II

i take these as a prophesy and odds are 2:1 that i'll be a famous actress with a lot of beauty ha. awkward wording. thanks ms maddox. but i guess there is always that chance that i'll be a killer plant. either way, i've decided i like my name. so there we go.

ii didn't go to school today because i had too much homework. now i'm starting to feel sick. so i dont get those dresses that like come down just above the crack of your ass because what if you sit down or something? or what if your crack starts higher than everyone elses and you order this dress out of the magazine only to find that your crack shows the whole time? i dont get it. are open backs really that sexy? wow i don't think ive said "sexy" in about 5 years. my mom says i swear too much. i wish i lived in england so i could say things like "sod off" or "piss off" and not look like a loser. i cant think of anythkng else right now. i should get back to work. or what do i mean back to? ha. i shoudl start something. anything. im hungry.

you'll rescue me right? in the exact same way they never did..
I'll be happy right? when your healing powers kick in

you'll complete me right? then my life can finally begin
I'll be worthy right? only when you realize the gem I am?

but this won't work now the way it once did
and I won't keep it up even though I would love to
once I know who I'm not then I'll know who I am
but I know I won't keep on playing the victim

these precious illusions in my head did not let me down
when I was defenseless
and parting with them is like parting with invisible best friends

Despair could ravage you if you turn your head around to look down the path that's lead you here, cause what can you change?
You're a vessel now floating down the waterways.
You can take your rudder and aim your ship, just don't bother with the things left in your wake.
Just sail belly up to the clouds, the rocks scraping your back.
To breathe in the air will be the only thing that you have
and your love will be warm nights with pockets of moonlight
spotlighting you as you drift, the actor in this play.
You walk across the stage, take a bow, hear the applause,
and as the curtain falls, just know you did it all
the best that you knew how and you can hear them cheering now.
So let a smile out and show your teeth cause you know you lived it well.

I though of that old joke, y'know, the, this, this guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, uh, my brother's crazy. He thinks he's a chicken." And, uh, the doctor says, "Well, why don't you turn him in?" And the guy says, "I would, but I need the eggs." Well, I guess that's pretty much how I feel about relationships. Y'know, they're totally irrational and crazy and absurd and, but, uh, I guess we keep going through it because, uh, most of us need the eggs.


annie hall

You'll never see the courage I know
Its colors' richness won't appear within your view
I'll never glow - the way that you glow
Your presence dominates the judgements made on you

But as the scenery grows, I see in different lights
The shades and shadows undulate in my perception
My feelings swell and stretch; I see from greater heights
I understand what I am still too proud to mention - to you

You'll say you understand, but You don't understand
You'll say you'd never give up seeing eye to eye
But never is a promise, and you can't afford to lie

You'll never touch - these things that I hold
The skin of my emotions lies beneath my own
You'll never feel the heat of this soul
My fever burns me deeper than I've ever shown - to you

You'll say, Don't fear your dreams, it's easier than it seems
You'll say you'd never let me fall from hopes so high
But never is a promise and you can't afford to lie

You'll never live this life that I live
I'll never live the life that wakes me in the night
You'll never hear the message I give
You'll say it looks as though I might give up this fight

But as the scenery grows, I see in different lights
The shades and shadows undulate in my perception
My feelings swell and stretch, I see from greater heights
I realize what I am now too smart to mention - to you

You'll say you understand, you'll never understand
I'll say I'll never wake up knowing how or why
I don't know what to believe in, you don't know who I am
You'll say I need appeasing when I start to cry
But never is a promise and I'll never need a lie