So many crises before mid-life

As far as careers go, I'm pretty sure I'm not as into this one as I should be and I'm not sure what to do with that.

America's bullshit is so boring

There really aren't words to express how annoyed I am with America's reaction to the "Treyvon Martin Verdict." This country is so predictably disgusting. So you think there was a miscarriage of justice? Of course you do. There MUST have been, because a black person was killed but the white person who killed him was acquitted. There is just ABSOLUTELY no other possible explanation, right? Because he was found not guilty, our entire justice system is racist?

Figure out what it means to be found guilty in this country before you fly off the handle about a verdict.  Figure out the definition of the Stand Your Ground law. There was NEVER any way that the prosecution was going to be able to prove murder 2 beyond a reasonable doubt. The fact that those charges were brought against GZ in the first place was completely inappropriate.

I hate living in a country that has such a difficult time just shutting the fuck up.

 I am HAPPY with the verdict. It means our justice system still has a fighting chance against the racially charged public opinion of low information voters and their extremely outspoken ignorance.

I could see fore miles, miles, miles

who will love you?
who will fight?
who will fall far behind?



I can't really remember the last time I felt this incurably sad or this incredibly lost.

at once, i knew i was not magnificent

sometimes i think you want something so completely different from anything i could ever give to you or be for you.


i think i've always equated length of time with increased strength and disregarded the possibility of brittleness

it is only wednesday

Events of this week!!!!

The good:

• We had a snow day on Monday
• My final grade for last quarter got changed from a C to a B (hallelujah)
• My friends are awesome and take care of me

The bad:

• I got into a car accident on Monday and then had to shovel 9 inches of snow off my long driveway
• I went into the ER last night around 9 and had my appendix removed around 3:00 this morning
• There is a quiz on Friday that I may very well still have to take and I am not prepared at all

find what you love and let it kill you

What matters most is how well you walk through the fire.



bukowski.bukowski.bukowski

pick something to be and go be it

no jobs for new vets.

muscle memory is real. i guess i'm happy that after a year of not running at all, i ran 10k in under an hour... which is not that impressive but at least i can do it. and i guess "at all" isn't entirely true. I've run 4 times since i got to Champaign in August. I had to make sure i could before i registered for a 10k. i feel stupid even running a 10k, especially when there is also a half I could/should run. I especially feel stupid running in the ILLINI marathon series because I don't really understand school spirit. unless its st. olaf. and even that is only in hindsight. I was never all "um yah yah" when i was there.

lunch lecture about ostrich and emu farms tomorrow. emu emu emu.

(tunnels)

Distance is hard. What will our lives be like without Abt in them? I can't wait to find out.

Chasing the ever-elusive Antelope

If I could get an A one quarter I would be ecstatic. But I am still happy with Bears. My apartment is cold.

I am really out of shape.


NO MORE CATS AND DOGS.

emotional flat tires

I made a pitcher of iced tea. It tastes awful. I refuse to dump it out. I want to go to sleep and get up early and study... aka go to bed and not get up early to study. There is too much information. I just want to eat a donut or 12. I keep thinking I see Atlas out of the corner of my eye and then get sad. At least I finally signed a lease on an apartment that is pet friendly next year so I don't have to sneak my cat around under the cloak of darkness.

I neutered him and it was easy. I wanted to talk about it with Matt but it was too much for him. If someone offered me a job that paid $100,000, I would leave vet school tomorrow. My "calling" is getting drowned out by the deafening sound of my disappearing confidence... woah... Everyone has a price. Mine might actually be less than $100K but I will keep telling myself that its not because there is no job that anyone is going to offer me (especially without me applying for it) that pays near that.

This feeling is normal, right?

I want a brownie.

say something meaningful

I FINALLY FINISHED OUTLINING G.I. LECTURES!

5 lectures= 21 pages of outlines= 8,352 words

They aren't quite as brief as I had hoped but what is these days? Now i have to buy ink and print them so i can actually use them for their intended purpose. Days go by sooo sloooowwwlly in class and then when i get home i feel like the 6 hours i spend studying fly by and i don't get anything done.

I did take a break for half an hour to be successful by cooking spaghetti. i even cooked a pound of ground turkey to make a "meat sauce." It is kind of edible. and now i have something to eat all week. besides pretzels and tomato soup.

starting another subject now to only look at it for 1-2 hours just seems like such a waste.

who am i?

yesterday was interview day. when the prospective students ask "how much more work is vet school than undergrad?" i want to laugh and cry and immediately start to stress eat.

i still don't know the path of ingesta in the cow. stop telling me ingesta isn't a word!
.

birthday illness

tomorrow will be probably the 15th out of 26 birthdays that i will have spent sick. this would come as no surprise to anyone who has known me for a decent length of time and is familiar with my ability to get sick on almost every special occasion. it is a gift, what can i say?

i rarely get sick in a way that inhibits my sense of smell (taste) but i actually did this time and i can't taste anything. its really bizarre and made that little baby bel cheese kind of a waste. additionally, atlas is now eating the wax from it and i doubt that is an intelligent decision on his part. even less intelligent is the fact that i would rather continue to write in this than go get the stupid wax out of his mouth.

 this would be a great opportunity for me to drink all the carrot juice i have in my fridge that i usually use as an appetite suppressant. that backfired when the carrot juice (because carrots are just intrinsically so disgusting) actually started to make me nauseous, not just un-hungry. so now i have a ton of carrot juice.

the last thing i want to do is finish outlining these GI physio lectures but alas.

also the idea of "if it were easy, everyone would do it" does not, in itself, account for vet school. because not only is it hard it is also really fucking gross. so maybe the saying should be "if it were easy, and didn't involve a ton of shit, everyone would do it."

Wait

They don't love you like I love you.

though lovers be lost, love shall not

And death shall have no dominion.
Dead man naked they shall be one
With the man in the wind and the west moon;
When their bones are picked clean and the clean bones gone,
They shall have stars at elbow and foot;
Though they go mad they shall be sane,
Though they sink through the sea they shall rise again;
Though lovers be lost love shall not;
And death shall have no dominion.

And death shall have no dominion.
Under the windings of the sea
They lying long shall not die windily;
Twisting on racks when sinews give way,
Strapped to a wheel, yet they shall not break;
Faith in their hands shall snap in two,
And the unicorn evils run them through;
Split all ends up they shan't crack;
And death shall have no dominion.

And death shall have no dominion.
No more may gulls cry at their ears
Or waves break loud on the seashores;
Where blew a flower may a flower no more
Lift its head to the blows of the rain;
Though they be mad and dead as nails,
Heads of the characters hammer through daisies;
Break in the sun till the sun breaks down,
And death shall have no dominion. 

Dylan Thomas

No songs left from which to steal

i spent a night talking about how great you are. then i was reminded of your extremely low expectations of me. then i loved you anyway; but wondered where to go from here.

Life's for the living

The lies I was told
The same lies I sold
Those lies were a warmth
when the truth was too cold

The demons i keep
The demons don't weep
The demons just smile
when I cry in my sleep

The life that I found
That life sane and sound
The life that you left
when you started to drown

The words that I write
The words sound so slight
These words are so empty
So hollow. So trite.

I still miss you everyday

the one with my perpetual guilt

If Facebook really knew me, it would stop recommending Bud Light Platinum to me. 


This June, it will be 7 years. I wish you had stuck around so you could laugh at me struggling with and failing at adulthood.

“So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.”

-F. Scott

Educational Masochism

“This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. This was terrible with raisins in it.”
- Dorothy Parker 

If some clients ran their dog over with a lawn mower and then proceeded to bring the dog to my non-emergency practice (with its heart beating visibly in an open thoracic cavity), the LAST thing I would do is describe the layers of tissue that the blade went into on the way to the dog's heart. ALSO, the dog is just not going to make it, EVEN IF I KNOW ALL THE PLEURAS! Even if I refer it will still die! BECAUSE EVERYTHING DIES!!!!

 LINEA ALBA. LINEA ALBA. LINEA ALBA. I'm going to name my first born LINEA ALBA.

Just another dreamy day in the life of a first year vet student. HUZZAH.

What do morons say next? "#rantover"






"When I look around, I think this is good enough. And I try to laugh at whatever life brings. Because when I look down, I just miss all the good stuff; and when I look up, I just trip over things."
Ani Difranco

Nostalgia and Hitler

Arrow through the 5th ICS of a dog: 
 
Skin
Fascia
Muscle
Thoracic cavity
Parietal costal pleura
Pleural sac
Visceral pulmonary pleura
LUNG
Visceral pulmonary pleura
Pericardial mediastinal pleura
Fibrous pericardium
Parietal serous pericardium
Pericardial cavity (with fluid)
Visceral serous pericardium (epicardium)
Myocardium
Endocardium


Why am I making a post about this?

When I tell people about the Hitler Goes to Vet School video, they always think it will be really funny; but then they inevitably don't. 


Hitler Goes to Vet School

And so it begins

you are now entering "the engagement zone."

I heard about it but never experienced it firsthand. When 3 friends got engaged within one month, I knew it had begun.

And now the topic of all conversations has shifted. Ever so slightly. Almost imperceptibly More of a sinking feeling than a conscious awareness.

Here we go.

Formalin- makes you cry and gets you high

Vet school: the only professional school with students constantly posting pictures of baby animals on facebook.

Apartment hunting is more entertaining on TV

spending 8 hours in the anatomy lab today made me feel like i know even less about the thorax than i did before. I thought i could come home at 10 and study until 1. I can't.

sometimes I think, "wow, my cat is smart." more often I think, "wow, my cat is not smart."

serratus dorsalis cranialis.

When you see your life in Comic Sans MS

Lost is a show that is completely dependent on audience manipulation. But, I am at a point in my TV watching career where i just don't really care if I'm being manipulated. I actually enjoy it. I realized today that the majority of the pictures on my phone are of my cat... a somewhat depressing realization. I do like my cat, and I do think he is adorable but I have become that owner. The owner that thinks her male cat always has a UTI. The owner that feeds her cat canned food only. The owner that refuses to use clay litter. It is ridiculous but I'm really not surprised. The quiz today was exhausting. I would prefer to never seem my results. Midterms in just over a week! Huzzah! I'm trying to get a lab animal medicine fellowship over the summer. I hope, if i get it, someone from PETA throws blood on me. Since the fellowship is at UIC, I don't think its entirely out of the realm of possibility that I would encounter an angry PETA member. "Animal rightsists" (as they are fondly called) are straight up INSANE.

tuesday night fun house

there has been a breach in my concentration. I dont know how i will ever know enough. I also don't know why my cat chews on electrical cords. I'm dreading this  quiz Friday. Quarter systems suck. why does anyone think they are a good idea? Instead of studying, I am writing cards to people on my personalized Disney princess stationary. huzzah.

my glasses are ombre

I bought new Kinvaras and registered for the Geist Half. The thought of running a half marathon in schaumburg, or anywhere in illinois for that matter, is completely nauseating, so indianapolis seems like the natural next move. it is also flat. i won't train for a while because of the vein laser i had today. my leg is killing me. marianos is the most amazing grocery store. i saw silver linings play book with linda tonight. i should be in champaign right now. OOPS.