Moments of 2004...

• 2/14 My birthday at midieval times
• 2/20-21 Anne Frank!
• 5/8 Prom
• 6/4 Relay for life followed by the SAT II's
• Summer School and 3rd class with Mr. Iverson. UGH.
• Taking the ACT 3 times
• 7/16-18 Visting BC and BU
• 7/31 Reel Big Fish
• 8/19-22 Visting Virginia and DC
• 9/3 Getting the wisdom teeth out
• 11/2 BUSH!
• 12-4 SAT II's again
• Getting into Colorado Sate and Minnesota
• Getting Dotty/Clackett
• 12/10-12 Model UN. the best.

In 2004...

I lost friends, I found friends, I made friends and I broke friends. I lost and found myself. I found I LOVED US history and absolutely HATE calculus. I met fairweather friends along with some stormy weather. I lost track of the local music scene and found peace in the Eagles. I also developed a hidden love for Ashlee Simpson. I feel closer to self-actualization but farther from a decent GPA. I've felt funny and sad. I've felt lonely and glad. I've felt like rhyming and then sometimes not. I re-established connections and watched as some dissolved. I loved Garden State and hated Saw. Not everything i did this year was completely honest and some of the decisions i made were morally and literally illegal but i don't regret them because they have helped me because the well-adjusted individual i am today. Things have changed and I have changed. If one thing has remained constant in 2004 it has been my nosebleeds. Its been a roller coaster of emotions to say the least. and the overall taste of the year is bittersweet.

audrey

Series One - The usual
.....Name: Audrey
.....Birthdate: February 14th
.....Birthplace: Hoffman Estates
.....Current Location: Schaumburg
.....Eye Color: blue
.....Hair Color: dirty dirty blonde/light brown
.....Righty or Lefty: right
.....Zodiac Sign: this is the dawning of the age of aquarius
.....Innie or Outtie: innie

## Series Two -
.....Your Heritage: German Irish
.....The shoes you wore today: birks
.....Your hair: almost shoulder length!
.....Your fears: not getting into bc. missing out on love.
......Your perfect pizza: canadian bacon and pinapple how do you spell thaT? oh my god.
.....One thing you'd like to achieve: decent grades

## Series Three - What is:
.....Your most overused phrase: har-dee-har-har
....Your thoughts first waking up: "what time is it"
.....The first feature you notice in the opposite sex: Height and eyes
......Your best physical features: um. im bad at that.
......Your bedtime: weeknights usually like 11
.....Your greatest accomplishment: every play i'm in.

## Series Four - You prefer:
.....Pepsi or coke: coke, diet coke.
.....McDonald's or Burger King: burger king. yesyes.
.....Single or group dates: single
......Adidas or Nike: ADIDAS!
.....Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Lipton
.....Chocolate or vanilla: I used to hate chocolate but now im going to go with that.
.....Cappuccino or coffee: cappuccino
.....Boxers or briefs: boxers

## Series Five - Do you.
.....Smoke: not really
.....Cuss: yes
.....Sing well: no but thats not stopping me from trying out for the musical
.....Take a shower: i do.
.....Have a crush(es): yeah
......Who are they: im going to be lame and not say
......Do you think you've been in love: yes
.....Want to go to college: yeah
.....Like high school: sometimes... no no i dont.
.....Type w/ your fingers on the right keys: indeed.
.....Get motion sickness: haha yes i do
.....Think you're attractive: no i don't.
.....Think you're a health freak: no way
.....Get along with your parents: yes
......Like thunderstorms: yeah
.....Play an instrument: no. i can play my heart will go on on clarinet.

## Series Six - In the past month, did/have you:
.....Drank alcohol: yes
.....Smoke(d): yes
.....Done a drug: yes
.....Have Sex: no
.....Made Out: yes
.....Gone on a date: I suppose you could say that
.....Go to the mall?: yeah ugh
.....Eaten an entire box of Oreos: i don't think ive ever done that
.....Eaten sushi: yes. love it.
.....Been on stage: no.
.....Been dumped: no
.....Gone skating: no but i wanted to at model UN
.....Made homemade cookies: yes yes
.....Been in love: hm. well yeah.
.....Gone skinny dipping: haha no that was a one time deal at justins
.....Dyed your hair: no
.....Stolen anything: no

## Series Seven - Have you ever:
.....Played a game that required removal of clothing?: yes
......If so, was it mixed company: yes
.....Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: um.. yes
.....Been called a tease: yes
......Gotten beaten up: by bianca yes
......Changed who you were to fit in: yes

## Series Eight - The future:
.....Age you hope to be married: 27
.....Numbers and Names of Children: 3. Charlotte, Hannah, Jack
....Describe your Dream Wedding: lots of flowers, big, but not stuffy.
....How do you want to die: peacefully
.....Where you want to go to college: boston college. come on now.
......What do you want to be when you grow up: something cool
.....What place would you most like to visit: australia. galapagos islands.

## Series Nine - Opposite sex:
.....Best eye color?: Green or Blue.
.....Best hair color?: doesnt matter really
.....Short or long hair?: meh i dont think it matters
.....Best Height? taller than me. so probably over 6.
.....Best weight: i dont really know
.....Best articles of clothing: oxford shirts
.....Best first date location: downtown
.....Best first kiss location: downtown
.....Turn ons: being funny, being decisive, driving stick shift.
.....Turn offs: being a dick, being indecisive, yelling at me, being embarassed of me.

## Series Ten - Number of:.
....Number of people I could trust with my life: 5
....Number of CDs that I own: who knows. i lose them all.
....Number of piercings: 2 in each ear
....Number of tattoos: none.
....Number of scars on my body: hundreds
....Number of things in my past that I regret: nothing really.

SARDINES!

Today I'm cooking with Gagan and Keeley. For some reason i feel okay today.

Please take it easy, it can't all be my fault
I haven't made half the mistakes that you've listed so far
Baby let me explain something, it's all down to drugs
At least I remember taking them and not a lot else
It seems i've stepped over lines you've drawn again and again
But if the ecstacy's in the wit is definitely out
Doctor Jekyll is wrestling Hyde for my pride



Homework is looking daunting

The Play's the Thing

Finally it has come to be NOISES OFF! Its about god damned time too. i have to have act one memorized by thursday of next week, which is about a week. I am Dotty/Mrs. Clackett, This is very exciting. I'm probably going to do homework tonight. i know i should. ill never finish. boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

FORGET JULY.

I make an effort to not take myself seriously, or at least not take myself too seriously. I try not to be sensitive and i try not to take comments personally that weren't meant to be attacks. And like i do with most things at which i try, i generally end up failing. I could sing sappy love songs forever and never run out of things to say. Tonight it hurt when he said

"you just haven't experienced enough to know this isn't real."

It was about then when i wanted to scream that it was real and that it ate away at me every second of every day and showed no sign of relenting. The fact that i'm only 17 has no bearing on the width of my spectrum of feelings or my capacity to love. TO LOVE. like i won't be able to do that until im 30. since im not its just a crush.

i know i must go on and on about the same topic but does it really matter? Tonight we watched Vanilla Sky. i hadn't seen it before, unless you count the time i watched it with ali and fell asleep after the opening credits. it was good i guess in a weird way. i could write books, encyclopedias if you wanted a real look at redundance, on the way i feel and how i have trouble dealing with that. This year has been tumultuous to say the least. but isnt every year?

Does anyone ever remember anything?
Because i remember everything and i'm starting to wish i didn't.

I CAN'T.

I already bought a prom 2005 magazine. like they say..

you can take the girl out of prom but you cant take prom out of the girl. alas, one of my more shallow vices. Christmas was fine as far as they go. Lots of barnes and noble gift cards. 50 $1 bills. very convienent. I love Lauren Mangiaforte!

I wish keiko could come home today.

Tonight i'm going out to the movies and to dinner with ronny and his family haha. i know. its a little weird. either way, i've still got presents to give. so if you haven't picked yours up, stop on by.

Break is almost over and i haven't started homework yet.
2 macro chapters
the calc project
finish hamlet
study for the genetics test.
weeeeeee

My family is crazy.

Its christmas eve. Just say hello to the ground. I don't feel like i'm falling down. I want to hold you like never before because we're falling and i love you more and more. I am going to the 10:30 service tonight.

Next year I will be able to start over. I'm wondering if Boson College is too far of a reach for me. I took so long to figure out what this book has been about. I'm curious about the rest of my life.

Most Beautiful Place: Hawaii


I'm scared that there's no answer
I'm scared that there's no truth
In this life of mine, there is only time.

Tonight will be
The night that we
Begin to ease
The plugs out of the dam
And we will stand
Knee deep in the flow
The undertow will
Grab our heels and won't let go
And while we hold
Our legs quivering
The water rises now
To our teeth when we just let go

And sail, belly up to the clouds
The rocks scraping our backs
To breathe in the air will be
The only thing that we have

And all the wasted nights
And empty moments in our lives
Flushed away
As we sway with the rhythm
Of the waves
Bobbing us up
Crests fall to troughs
Feel our gills open up

And if the hook sets in
The bottom of our lungs
We'll rip it out and
Lick the blood off with our tongues

Despair
Can ravage you
If you turn your head around
And look down the path
That's led you here
Cause what can you change?
You're a vessel now
Floating down the waterways
You can take your rudder
And aim your ship
Just don't bother
With the things left in your wake

Just sail, belly up to the clouds
The rocks scraping your back
To the breathe in the air will be
The only thing that you have

And your love will be warm nights
With pockets of moonlight
Spotlighting you as you drift,
The actor in this play
And you walk across the stage
Take a bow and hear the applause.
And as the curtain falls,
Just know you did it all
The best that you knew how
And you can hear them cheering now
So let a smile and show your teeth
Cause you know you lived it well.


saves the day

I Starve for You.

We can live like Jack and Sally if we want
Where you can always find me
And we'll have Halloween on Christmas
And in the night we'll wish this never ends


I wish someone would just tell me h.o.w. this all ends? will i ever stop waiting for an absolution that will never come? what is my future?

"i hope that you're happy, you really deserve it"
"this will be best for us both in the end"
"i've been meaning to call you, i've just been so busy"
"we'll catch up soon"
"lets make it a point to"


Honest thought of the day: I just don't think i'll ever get over you.

i hung out with greg tonight and watched napolean dynamite. it was funny. Kip is such a creep.

who's got their claws in you my friend?
into your heart i'll beat again.

i hate when sometimes i get my hopes up about something and its never what its cracked up to be. i hate how ive been thinking about the same person for like... 5 years. is this pathetic? just tell me when to stop and i will try and not succeed.

merry christmas baby
merry christmas baby
merry christmas baby

people just need to stop talking for 5 seconds and think.

Last night I had a dream that we didn't get Noises Off. Would she just call already?! I'm starting to dream about theatre. ahhhhhhhhhhhh!


I DONT WANT TO FINISH THE UVA APPLICATION!!!!!

YOUR NEW AESTHETIC

I'm not mad that we aren't friends anymore. People grow up. Things change. Life happens.

While downstairs watching Starsky and Hutch with my brother...

me: I'm so tired. are you tired?
eric: no
me: oh.
eric: maybe you're not breathing




yeah im sure thats it. thanks buddy.

Queer as Folk is a good show. In a weird homoerotic kind of way. Brian is soooo hot. I wish he wasn't like 30 in real life. I was at keiko's until 5 this morning. I'm hungry right now. I just woke up. I can't brush my teeth because my brother is in the bathroom taking a shower. What will the day bring? I hope something good.


Don't forget to let your life rot you inside out.

When was it that you lost your youth or traded
It for something more for them to use so jaded
Why is it that you never said
'I love you more than just a friend'
I pray this gridlock never ends
And when we get there just depends.
I found out recently that you are leaving
For good I hope I softly tell my ceiling
It's better now to be alive
Sleeping is my 9 to 5
I'm having nightmares all the time
Running out of words that rhyme
Everything that you could never say
Would never matter anyway
I took a hammer and two nails to my eardrums long ago
Before that steak knife took my eyes
I looked up to the sky
For the last thing I would ever see
For the last time I'd cry
When was it that you sold your life or wasted
Every bite of that small slice you never tasted
I guess I should be one to talk
There's nights that I can't even walk
There's days I couldn't give a fuck
And in between is where I'm stuck
From blocks away I heard somebody screaming
That small child inside of you that you left bleeding
You stabbed him up not once but twice
Cubicles will now suffice
Some say it's the roll of the dice
I think they're wrong I know I'm right
Every breath that I could barely breathe
Would barely make it past my teeth
I took a blowtorch to both of my lungs a long, long time ago
And Every step that I could take
Is more difficult to make
Mr. Chainsaw came and took my legs a long, long time ago



Alk3

You're the Secret I Keep.

Last night Wrong Way Peach Fuzz went to Mission. It was way better than I expected and so funny. First we saw Ken, who I hadn't talked to in like 3 years. He remembered Keiko's name and not mine. I felt awesome, especially since I had the biggest crush on him in 6th and 7th grade. We sank to the beat and Charlie came too. Thats when things really got funny. I didn't dance with anyone really, except charlie. Some weird looking guys came up to gagan and it was the funniest thing ever. There were a lot of skanky girls there, some were fat and that was also funny. I was in awe of the way some people can move and bend. haha. I just woke up like 20 minutes ago. I feel like i wasted my day, probably because i did. I need to shower because I feel disgusting. last night i wore sandels that had maybe a 2 inch platform, which wasn't even that bad but i felt like mountain compared to everyone else who could be molehills. Tonight i don't know if im going to really do much. I think i'll wrap christmas presents. I was going to take care of spike until Ryan called and said he didn't need me to. sad audrey.

Last night I felt like Elphaba and Keiko was Galinda once again. In some aspects, I'm okay with that. I do get to have an awesome affair with Fiyero, if i ever find him.

Stop Breathing for Me.


Tonight. or last night rather, was awesome. I hung out with Wrong, Way and Fuzz. I'm peach. is that disgusting or what? the night was totally off the hook.

Oh no! oh no! oh no!

Props to Brian for giving us something to talk about all night. Har-dee-har-har. all in good fun, naturally.

I'm starting to really like coffee. I need to go to bed. Tomorrow is going to be a big day, well not really till the night when the party gets going.

Its the freakin weekend, baby i'm about to have me some fun. Anyone wanna dance? lets go. Its time for the iPod and my down comforter. Poor toilet dog has to sleep somewhere on the floor amongst the laundry baskets, strewn clothing, and suitcase.

Let me remember this night whenever i feel lonely.

In the opinion of this MC, the assembly was a success. Craig mariano was great and la dee da it was probably the only good assembly since Luke. Most rational people would look at the homework i have and start it 2 hours ago. I am not most people and i am certainly not rational. That is why i have not yet looked at my homework and i am going to the basketball game instead. As long as we all know where our priorities lie.

Other interesting things that happened today:

My brothers friends said i was hot. HAHA
I ate mcdonalds with keeley and ronny
I feel like everyone knows where they are going to school except me
I won't know until 117 days from today
Mr Murmann made fun of me again
Brian made me feel bad about myself
yay.
Keiko danced Hottly. yes with 2 t's hot is now an adverb.

now here we go to kick conants ass....

Today was long and tiring. Mike came over to help me study but oh gee he didnt know any of it! har-dee-har-har!!!!


CONGRATS RYAN!!!!!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS, I COULD CARE LESS.

If you only once would let me, only just one time. Then be happy with the consequence, with whatever's going to happen tonight. don't think we're not serious. when's it ever not? the love we make is give and its take. i'm game to play along. all i can say, i shouldn't say. can we take a ride? get out of this place while we still have time?


3 more days till winter break and honestly, i don't know if i'll make it. lol

There was never any place for someone like me to be totally happy.

i didn't go to school today.w ell i did, but then i came home.

I just went through the frost year book from 8th grade. It was pretty amazing.

could these hours add onto our life stories?

I know i'm not in APpsych but i wanted to make a life goals list anyway, just to have. so consider this one of my all too frequent acts of conformity or idea stealing. here they are in no particular order:

1. Read everything Shakespeare ever wrote
2. Get married and have 3 kids
3. Go skydiving... twice.
4. Write a book/play/screenplay
5. Live in a foreign country for a year
6. Go to Australia; travel all over the world
7. Fall in love
8. Buy a cabin on a lake
9. Have unlimited amounts of pets forever
10. Self- Actualization


I plan on changing the world, so who's with me?

Tribute to the Eagles with others in mind.


Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?
You been out riding fences for so long now
Oh, you're a hard one
I know that you got your reasons
These things that are pleasing you
Can hurt you somehow

Don't you draw the queen of diamonds, boy
She'll beat you if she's able
You know the queen of hearts is always your best bet
Now it seems to me, some fine things
Have been laid upon your table
But you only want the ones that you can't get

Desperado, oh, you ain't getting no younger
Your pain and your hunger, they're driving you home
And freedom, oh freedom well, that's just some people talking
Your prison is walking through this world all alone

Don't your feet get cold in the winter time?
The sky won't snow and the sun won't shine
Its hard to tell the night time from the day
Youre loosing all your highs and lows
Ain't it funny how the feeling goes away?

Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?
Come down from your fences, open the gate
It may be raining, but there's a rainbow above you
You better let somebody love you, before it's too late.

PULL ME UNDER YOUR WEATHER PATTERNS
THE SUNSHINE OR THE RAIN DON'T MATTER.

Something about walking downtown with your friends in the winter makes you feel all warm inside even if he won't let you stop and get hot chocolate at one of the 50000 starbucks you pass. this weekend was awesome. I loved it. I can't wait for next weekend. thanks keiko, brian, ross, emily, dag, kevin, and everyone else for making it awesome.

this is my best friend keiko and she's going to BROWN!


CIMUN 2004!!!!!! hahaha what a nerd i am.



Well maybe this time I can follow through
I can feel complete, stop paying dues
Stop the rain from falling
keep my oceans calm
This time I know nothings wrong.

Safe from the world and all their stupid questions
"hey did you get some?"
man that is so dumb.

im feeling too flustered.

im going to see keiko dance tonight at the game.

i feel so stupid.

my whole entry got deleted. i'm pissed!!!!!!!

Keiko, everything i see is FUN!

We didn't start the fire! it was always burning since the world's been turning! we didnt start the fire! no we didn't light it, but we're been trying to fight it!!!

I LOVE MY DOG!

This is my autobiography:

I've got blood on my blue jeans
People think i do coke
right now im sober
but that will be changing eventually

HAHAHAH just kidding. i really dont do coke. there is just something wrong with my nose.

KEIKO EVERYTHING I SEE IS SO FUN.

SHA SHA

Nothing isn't nothing. Nothing's something thats important to me. Thats right. Tonight i went to hobby lobby. i did go. i did buy random pieces of ribbon and fabric. my hair is wet right now and i dont want to blow dry it so its going to be wet 4eva. haahahahahahha HAR-DEE-FUCKING-HAR. Jimmy Eat World just came on iTunes and that made me think of harrison. oh thats funny. speaking of people who i never talk to but said they would always keep in touch, Jeanae was at school today picking up chris for lunch. weird? yes.

I am wasted but I'm ready. Today we took a partner quiz in Calc and tony and i were confused. i also did poorly on the genetics quiz. I'm determined to do better though. Spanish is lame. Health is.. well you know. I need to finish the project for Lit because i havent done that. ha! of course i havent!


WE didn't start the fire! no we didn't light it, we've been trying to fight it! we didnt start the fire! no it was always burning since the world's been turning!

An Ode to Maybe

I'm feeling out of sorts lately. Slightly dejected. Auditions were today. So i guess we'll see tomorrow if i got called back. I broke character in the middle so theres one reason for strock to not cast me. i know she's looking for one. oh well. i realized that not being in a show might be a good thing. who knows. ive never really watched one. Keiko wasn't at school so i was naturally sad. We have to work on our puppets but we don't have any props. i have bags here but no glue or other necessary decorations. Maybei will go to hobby lobby to get them even though i really dont feel like going out again. I wish i could read minds, but alas, it is like a dream deferred.



COME ON SWEET CATASTROPHE!

WICKED!!!!

"You felt sorry for me, well isnt that right?"
"no no its because you are so beautiful"
"oh boq i think youre wonderful and we deserve eachother, dont you see this is our chance. and we deserve eachother."

"Something has changed within me.
Something is not the same.
I'm through of playing by the rules of someone elses game.
Too late for second guessing
too late to go back to sleep
its time to trust my instincts
close my eyes and leap...
its time try defying gravity...
I'm through accepting limits
cause someone says theyre so
some things i cannot change
but till itry ill never know
too long ive been afraid of
losing love i guess i lost
well if thats love, it comes at much too high a cost."



Everyone deserves a chance to FLY!


Tryst tryst tryst tryst tryst tryst tryst tryst tryst tryst

An article for the upcoming edition of the Sextant. Written and Unedited by yours truly.


This time of year is always considered “the season of giving,” but how much of this “giving” really comes from the heart? Every weekend countless organizations stand at the corners of busy intersections walking from car to car in search of donations. The people who do donate don’t give the money because they really want to help and give charity; they donate because they feel guilty. Is this an honorable way to collect donations? Should people donate out of sheer guilty conscience and not the desire to contribute? Maybe we need to start rethinking our motives. During the holidays, so many people spread the gospel of good cheer, but at the same time keep their road rage at an all time high. Woodfield Mall’s parking lot is packed every weekend with noisy obnoxious shoppers who insist on heckling slow drivers, slow walkers, and slow buyers. The lines are long and seething with irritation. It certainly sounds like good cheer. Its time to look beyond Woodfield and get a deeper understanding of what “giving” is really all about.
The holidays are more than just the simple act of buy presents. People always feel compelled to buy gifts for acquaintances not because they are caring, but because they are selfish. Of course a nice gesture could brighten someone’s day, but it could also make the giver feel all warm and tingly inside. Aye, there’s the rub. In giving, people give to themselves the satisfaction of knowing they put that extra effort into getting presents for everyone they know. People see presents as a median of exchange, and in so doing, always expect to receive a gift in return. This thought process affects the way people shop for presents. The ideas of thoughtful and meaningful presents have long since been forgotten. The priorities of today’s shoppers are simple: gifts that are cheap and impersonal. By adhering to these criteria, shopping will be less hectic and certainly more affordable; thus allowing everyone to spend more time doing what America does best: eating and complaining. It seems our glass of eggnog is half empty and maybe we need to work on appreciating for the upcoming secular break for what it really is: a chance to relax and spend time with family and friends.

Words that rhyme with Dave:

Knave
Slave
Brave
Save
Rave
Gave
Pave
Grave
Cave
Wave

safely wanting what we're told to save and hope for.

So today was okay except that i got C on the health test which is both pathetic and funny. maybe just pathetic. no its funny. i need to write an article tonight about the "season of giving" its a little dark but i think its a side that needs to be seen. muahahahahahahaha. my hands are really cold. CHILLY! today i drew a pretty christmas picture for brian. everyone hates my deer but i think they were beautiful.i also need to write my stupid position paper tonight too. yuck, suck.



When i say lets keep in touch, i hope you know it means i wish that you'd grow up.

Tryst Tryst Tryst Tryst Tryst Tryst Tryst Tryst Tryst Tryst Tryst Tryst Tryst Tryst Tryst Tryst


I'm feeling out of luck. I'm feeling out of love. I'm feeling out of touch. I wonder how much I mean some of the things I say. I wonder if other people know. When I listen to Death Cab, I start to think about different things. HA, who am I kidding? I think about the same thing over and over again and how things change or how circumstance determines the ultimate outcome of every situation, even if the circumstance isn't really relavent. I guess some things aren't meant to be. but how do we know? and who makes the rules? I don't know if there is a such thing as love at first sight, but maybe love at first realization would be more appropriate. if that makes any sense at all. "the things i cannot say are all thinking me insane these days."

"When the dance is through, its me and its you. come on would it really be so bad? the things we think might be the same, but i won't fight for more. it's just not me to wear it on my sleeve. count on that for sure."


Tryst Tryst Tryst Tryst Tryst Tryst Tryst Tryst Tryst Tryst Tryst Tryst Tryst Tryst Tryst Tryst

Live and let die.


i owe apologies.


i owe lots of things.

Last night keiko dagmara and i saw closer. it was... i'm still not really sure how i feel about it yet. there was a really funny conversation though...


keiko: I still have that cigar we need to smoke
Audrey: we could do it tonight
Keiko: its too cold out tonight i dont want to sit outside
Dagmara: we could tomorrow night because we're going to be warm then.
All three: HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAH


Breakin' the law, breakin' the law.

Axle got a hair cut and he looks soooooooo pretty! today i took the SAT IIs and the math level 1 was hard for me, of course. i dont know how i did on lit. michelle chu sat next to me. and ryan beck was in the same room too. it was weird. i avoided eye contact with michelle. and she did the same to me. this is the second time in a month that ive seen her. since like... spain. i never know how to act in those situations. hopefully tonight will be fun.

I got this idea from someone's livejournal. i don't know her, but i'm copying this from her. she copied it from someone else so i guess it really doesn't make a difference. I'm going to say something about my friends but no names just numbers. this shouldn't take long.

1. You are the first person I think of and not a day goes by that I don't regret our lost year. you are so lovely and always stick up for me even though i'm "airy." I could go on for hours about youre greatness. "The windmills, audrey."
2. We don't really talk as much as we used to but I think things are just busy right now, eventually we can have our lame conversations about movies again and i can listen to you talk about how you wish you did heroine. haha.
3. I feel priviledged to be someone you confide in, someday i will repay you the honor. I'm always surprised when you call me and even more shocked that i never really scare you away. i guess 5 years of being friends/putting up with me will do that to a person.
4. We recently started hanging out again after like a 3 year break. Its cool. Sometimes i feel like i'm funny around you, most of the time i just feel like an idiot though. Quit smoking.
5. if someone would have said 4 years ago that i wouldn't know you now, i never would have believed it. but alas, i don't know you anymore. I bought you a christmas present, but i'll probably be too scared to send it.
6. You probably know me better than anyone else even though i would usually deny it. for whatever reason, you've hung around since 5th grade. You're smarter than i could ever dream of being and you let me know when i do something stupid.
7. You've made me see the world differently, i'll give you that. Sometimes i think your morbid attitude gets in the way of living your life. you don't have to dissect and analyze everything. Youre too anal retentive to do anything for yourself when i'm around and i'm a sucker about it.
8. You are my chicken of the sea and if LW hadn't happened, things might have been different. I'm glad it did happen. You make me feel cool even though your dog is weird looking.
9. You always know when to pull out The Jolly Mon. We will always have cinderella, and everything else. i know you didn't like me when you first met me, but now i think thats funny because you secretly want to hang out with me all the time. youre never really mad at me... are you?
10. I think we are very much alike and im glad we can lament over Schaumburg Theatre together. youre such a great girl i wish you could see that. you just need to step back and relax a second.
11. We've been friends for a while, but just started talking more this year. I'm glad i'm not the only one who doesnt understand calculus, even though you make fun of me like you know what youre doing.
12. I know you think i hate you. The truth is, i don't. I just need space. I'm sorry.
13. We're on, we're off and i know you hate it and i know you think i only want to be friends when its convenient for me. Its not true and i dont know what else to say except I will call you, bacause youre a bad seed, and i love that.
14. four words- "my heart will go on" har-dee-har-har
15. You probably don't even read this, but you should know that even though you're way up in milwaukee, i still think about you. I know i was an idiot when we were friends, but i think ive changed since then. I'm jealous of your college experience.
16. I know sometimes i scare you because i pretend to come onto you so often. you know i'm kidding. I know you think im an idiot for being conservative, but deep down you love me anyway. youre just a heart breaker.
17. two words- New Jersey. I miss you so much. i've written so many letters and so many cards and i've never sent them. I'd like to think that someday we could be friends again, but we are so different now. I'm stuck in the past.
18. Even if you saw this, you wouldn't realize it was you. I wish you could for once tell me honestly what you feel, because, truth be told, i don't know. you talk to me every few months just to keep me holding on. it works. forever.

"Again last night I had that strange dream
where everything was exactly how it seemed
concerns about the world getting warmer
people thought that they were just being rewarded
for treating others as they'd like to be treated
for obeying stop signs and curing diseases
for mailing letters with the address of the sender.
Now we can swim any day in November."

the postal service

No more lies. The ones we live will work just fine.

I can't pretend to know everything anymore. I've spread myself too thin and now i'm paying. Now i will write another poem...

I take my life too seriously
But you think I'm just funny
and never serious.
But i actually am serious
I just hide it
And its all fun and games
Until its not anymore.
What is my point?
I just love my dog.

Sometimes i try to be a transcendentalist. I'm okay on the half that requires introspection but for some reason i dont feel transcendental when i reflect on myself and my life. I think i just need more cow bell. sometimes i wonder, is anyone really happy? maybe we are all in a weird and awkward moment in our lives but where is the love? today ronny paid for my sandwhich at subway and i didn't even realize he was doing it. I think it will be funny to be ronny's wife. It sort of reminds me of my best friends wedding... maybe not. I wish my whole day could just consist of literature. something that is challenging yet understandable.

someone please define my life for me.

Never is a promise, and you can't afford to lie.

I'm somewhat disappointed in certain aspects of my life. well probably all. but whatever. I'm only complaing to keep myself busy, sweetie. I'm tired of life and blah blah blah you know how it is. i wrote a poem but i'm not going to put it on here. ill write a haiku instead.


The snow on the ground
Lets me know there's something more
Than grades and class rank

okay now another...

I thought I was smart
I'm not. I fail everything
Whatever that means.

one more...

My dog is so great
He doesn't care about grades
That's why he's awesome

last one...

Procrastination
And no justification
Just plain apathy.


fuck my face. fuck my name. they are brief and false advertisements for a soul i don't have. something true i have lacked. and spent my whole life trying to make up for.

i mean ashlee simpson probably didn't get really good grades and she turned out okay... right?



Monologue. if theatre doesn't save me, i'm doomed.

WORDS WORDS WORDS

except my life, except my life, except my liiiiiife







BABY JUST ASK ME

I hate when i'm listening to Itunes and it automatically switches to a new song randomly when the song ends and it goes from brand new to nirvana. I HATE IT. or it goes from like... something really slow and depressing to... steve miller band. because thats not the way i want my transitions! or the worst ever, Beastie boys to shakira! hahahahahaha. okay so i havent done any homework tonight and i havent showered yet. but i always feel gross in the morning when i shower at night so i dont know. im so conflicted. i mean i dont want to have wet hair on the way to school, but i dont want to have a greasy face and like gross hair. not like anyone would notice either way. BOOO to the world


I LOVE ELPHABA!

"Here we are, trapped in the amber of the moment. There is no why." - Kurt Vonnegut

maybe someday you will see.

Lay back baby and we’ll do this right
There’s blankets in back we can use
I’ll start the car, but we’ll stay in park
A quilt can kill us before fumes
Now’s the right time for a good song
Got something to say well I can’t
Do you feel bad, like I feel bad?
We’ll pour us a road, we’ll both drink and drive

...We could stay here
Stay here all night
No one will know us and the moonlight

Cause quitting alone will never get you drowning
Never get you drowning
Give Me Everything You Got Now
I don’t feel a single thing
Drag me out into the cold rain
Let it hover over me .

He could be that boy but i'm not that girl.

Audrey Billhymer
Hopeless romantic

you are the spider.

"Viva la N.R.A."- Ryan Morton

"Something is rotten in the state of Denmark."

Hamlet

Today I stayed home from school

I watched Miracle
I watched Emergency Vets
I ate a muffin
I ate ritz bitz sandwhiches
I watched part of Le Divorce
I slept
I avoided my Rice application
I avoided my calculus
I gave up hope of ever liking school again
I played with the dog
I went to panera with susan
I thought about what i wanted to be when i grow up
I didnt come up with any real conclusions

I'm confused about why so many schools want to knwo what you plan to major in and what you want to do with your life. I'm 17 and these people expect me to explain my life goals and ambitions, I'll tell your right now i can't do it. I couldn't sum it up in 500 or 5000 words. How am i supposed to know what i'm going to be doing in 10 years? how is it even realistic for me to make assumptions about my future. I'm assuming ill be doing something i like but honestly, nothing in high school has really struck that inner chord. What have i seen in the world? i've seen what my parents do and i've seen teachers, how could i come up with something based on what i know. the reason im going to college is to figure out what i want to do. isn't that what everyone does? i mean how many people can pick their career at age 17 and then be happy with that choice the rest of their lives? I don't know any and i would be hard pressed to find any middle aged person in the high point of his career who knew exactly what he wanted to do when he was a senior in high school. I don't think anyone should have to make that decision. I'm picking schools of interest based on what i am personally interested in, not necessarily what i want to do forever. Therefore i refuse to answer any more short answer questions on any applications that ask my why i want to go to this school and how it will help me achieve my career goals. I will tell these schools that my goal is to be happy and i think i could do that there.

I'm slipping into a blanketed depression and i don't know how or where it started but i can't get rid of it. I'm nervous for auditions already. I want to have a slumber party with tony. I hate feeling sorry for myself. I have to finish reading macbeth. I have to go jump off my roof. I ate too much again tonight.

Lets just end it all.

I don't want to be here anymore.

Surprisingly enough, the show was a success. i knew they could pull it off.

Last night i slept at laurens with susan and lindsay. It was almost too funny. we looked at Barney (the president's dog) and looked at his website. we watched Barney Reloaded and then read the questions that really lame people ask barney (pengwans). We all slept in lauren's room, which in itself was impressive, plus boomer came inthe middle of the night and sat in my spot. so i sort of layed on boomer for the rest of the night while he growled at lindsay. At about 3:30 in the morning lauren got oout "the jolly mon" book and decided to read aloud to us. susan passed out promptly and lindsay pretended to be imagining the pictures with her eyes closed. i actually listened to the story about bananaland and coconut island and the jolly mon. Today i went shopping with my mom after they freaked out because i didnt come home last night. I was realy hungry so we got a lot of food at dominicks. i called keiko but she said she had to write applications essays or some bull shit. since she did that i decided to get out my application stuff and figure out how i was going to manipulate my already written essays to sound liek they answer the questions that the UMN honors application asked. Reduce, reuse, recycle i always say.

Anyway the night at laurens was a nice break from our usual self-pity/pissed off/lamenting/tired/bored of life attitudes.

I think i have a lot of tests tomorrow but i'm not going to study and im probably not really going to even do much of my homework. i havent started macro and i dont know when i'm going to. i dont care either. this is me kissing opportunity goodbye.

A simple note before i avert my attention to my homework:

I miss Christopher Brady with all my heart and I love him. I always have. He should know.

Blithe smile, lithe limb
She who's winsome, she wins him.

Come see Little Women. Friday and Saturday. 7.30 pm. At Schaumburg.

Don't wish, don't start.
Wishing only wounds the heart
I wasn't born for the rose and pearl
There's a girl I know
He loves her so
I'm not that girl...


Happy Birthday Courtney!

I figure- why not? (instead of homework)

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
01. Audrey
02. Aud/Audge
03. Tuna

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
01. Skippystd
02. Tinkerbell5679
03. Belle561

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
01. German
02. irish
03. Scottish

THREE THINGS YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND:
01. Calculus
02. Love
03. How people can possibly like diet pepsi better than diet coke

THREE THINGS THAT ANNOY YOU:
01. Calculus
02. Inflation
03. Scratched DVDs

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
01. spiders
02. feeling vulnerable
03. college admissions

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
01. diet coke
02. pita chips
03. something to laugh at

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
01. purple adidas pants
02. RBF t-shirt
03. grandma sweater

THREE THINGS ON YOUR DESK:
01. diet coke cans
02. paper towel roll
03. monitor and keyboard

THREE THINGS YOU SAY THE MOST:
01. Oh my God
02. Damnit
03. Whooops

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS AT THE MOMENT:
01. Jimmy eat world
02. The Doors
03. the shins

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITES SONGS AT THE MOMENT:
01. Wicked- I'm not that girl (entire soundtrack)
02. That new Trick daddy song. haha. im not joking.
03. Cary Brothers- Blue Eyes

THREE PEOPLE YOU SPEND THE MOST TIME WITH:
01. Susan
02. Keiko
03. Courtney

THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOUR CLOSE FRIENDS:
01. they are hella funny
02. they put up with me
03. they laugh at my jokes

THREE THINGS YOU WOULD WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP :
01. Requited love
02. laugh at eachother's jokes
03. comfortable silences

THREE THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
01. eyes
02. sense of humor
03. hair

THREE THINGS YOU CAN'T DO:
01. calculus
02. study
03. care about school

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
01. reading
02. hanging out with the girlies
03. playing with puppy

THREE THINGS YOU WANT REALLY BAD RIGHT NOW:
01. another diet coke
02. to know all about cellular respiration
03. acceptance into boston college

THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING:
01. veterinary medicine
02. play wright
03. broadcast communications

THREE PLACES YOU WOULD GO ON VACATION:
01. Germany with Keiko
02. Hawaii
03. Australia

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
01. find my soulmate
02. travel all around the world
03. write a musical

Sitting on the floor doing macro I am thinking about anything but monetary function and policy. I realized that I take everything for granted. my friends, my parents, my dog. I just assume that i will always be living this lifestyle. Its about time for me to stop feeling sorry for myself because it doesn't make me feel any better. I need to stop hating myself because it doesn't ever get me anywhere. I shouldn't beat myself up about my weight or my grades or my intellect. Its just hard for me to like me, maybe because i know i'm really not a good person. But what am i supposed to be comparing myself to? I mean what does being a "good" person really mean anyway? Am i good compared to Mother Theresa? no. Am i good compared to Ms. duffy or hitler? Yes. But what is the platonic "good"? i feel like i am stuck is the allegory of the cave and there are no real examples of what life is supposed to be.
its not like plato dropped any hints.
Maybe thats the irony of it all. I feel so bad about myself because i compare myself to everyone else. Of course youre not supposed to compare yourself to others, that has been the message since day one, or has it? Why is there a class rank if you're not supposed to compare yourself? In the long run, no one is any better or worse than anyone else because that platonic good or evil has never existed. If it has, no one has noticed or mentioned it.
So are we all just shadows of something bigger?
Its no use debating it. I could watch donnie darko a thousand times and still not completely understand, but maybe it wasnt meant to be understood. and maybe not everyone was meant to be rank one. but maybe not. everyone is just competing for the same spotlight but what is it? the spotlight of life? and for who if not themselves? I'm tired of talking in circles and I'm tired of talking about Deus Ex Machina or satire. Is everyone's life contrived? Do we all choose our endings? and if so, to what extent? how much do we control versus how much the people in our lives control?
Aren't we all led astray by some sort of big bunny that could eventually result in our escape of death?
I'm tired of competing with the same people who always end up winning. The redundancy of my life thus far has left me feeling slightly put out. I do have a bio test on tuesday and the need to study more than the night before has been stressed for weeks, yet i still haven't studied, and why? do i enjoy failing? no. do i care about bio? sort of. I mean in the long run, what will this class along with all my other classes except english give me? what is the value, the real value of cellular respiration in plants? how does that help me? Yet i continue learning about fiscal policy and limits and bioenergetics and i cant help but wonder is this as good as it gets? Of course all must be taken with a grain of salt, but to sufficiently supress my unsatisfied feelings towards my senior year of high school would require more than a cup of salt let alone a grain.

All in all, I have succeeded in completely contradicting myself in less than 15 minutes while at the same time avoided doing my homework and going to bed at what most would consider a reasonable hour. the success rating for this post will not be high, but i am still somewhat glad i wrote it.

I am a sap and that is that.

You aren't the kind of person that I couldn't fall in love with, rather you are the kind of person that I could. And I'd like to spend an afternoon of laughing at ourselves, and hear all the wonderful things you might tell me. I'd watch your eyes gleam during that time of day when you can't really tell if it's day or night.

You save oceans baby.

So it looks like tonight will consist of pretending to study for bio and watching ocean's 11. It's kind of hard to describe how ive been feeling lately. I got yelled at twice during rehearsal today, once for not being productive and once for "being an ass." Apparently i'm cynical and unsympathetic. who knew? HAHEHEHshhA. i really dont want to be a "mean" person. i think maybe i'm just too sarcastic too often. I'm going to work on that. And what i've learned from Bridget Jones: Edge of Reason is that i want someone to love me just the way i am. I mean im not expecting that like tomorrow or anything, just a general statement that will probably stay accurate for years to come. Enough of that, I'm starting to sound like lauren. As amazing and interesting as this post is i think im going to be ending it abruptly.

darling, all of these awkwardjumpstartstalling conversations
mean much more to me than anything
when it comes down to me and you
and whether we're supposed to or not, we still will
we're so much better off than them

Happy Birthday Harrison.

"I am but one small instrument."

Ive been waiting for a breakdown and ended up with one at play practice. which was somewhat awkward but okay because strock was cool about it. so now im just listening to clarity and wondering what im going to do tomorrow with the cleaning lady coming at 8. i guess ill go do set construction but i have to go shop for props with susan. writing in this isnt making me feel any better. no one is perfect. not ever.

"don't try and stop me because i'm falling fast into this pit of fire which surrounds us all. in a blanket of fear that i've been wrapped in for years. don't try and stop me. you can't stop me."


"I took everything you let me have, and then I never loved you back."

This is my clarity.

If i set out to say something profound, it never ends up happening. Is that in itself a profound realization? I started reading macbeth today after school, before i fell asleep for 2 hours. Whenever i read shakespeare, i feel compelled to talk like shakespeare all the time. Maybe this is annoying? I don't know, i usually just talk in shakespeare to my dog. I run out of phrases to say pretty fast though and just end up saying out of order sentences. Woe is me.

HUZZAH!!!!

Itunes just started playing dashboard confessional and i can't turn it off. I'm just sappy on the inside. maybe its on the outside too.

Chief, McCloud!!!!


<3 MST3K <3

This is the dawning of the age of aquarius.
So the election has come and gone and much to the disappointment of our kerry supporters and my dad's more than liberal side of the family. Its funny that there is such an upset over the outcome, since Bush pulled off the popular vote and the electoral college. Maybe it is the lack of controversy that makes the democrats so upset. either way, 4 more years. and it looks like hollywood will be crying all the way into 2008. and that's just a damn shame.

In other news, its official that i am going to Cozumel with Emily for spring break. it is going to be fun, i know. i love mystery science theater 3000. I'm in love with november.

Today is a day of filling out applications and polishing essays and not knowing how to do calculus or macro. it sounds so incredible. i also need a hard copy of macbeth by... tomorrow. great. looks like im going to barnes and noble before the day is through.

i can't help it baby, this is who i am.

wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwhat an ugly day.

the best dj's are saving their slowest song for last
when the dance is through it's me and you
come on would it really be so bad
things we think may be the same
but i won't fight for more
it's just not me to wear it on my sleeve
count on that for sure



I'm loving jimmy eat world for the rest of my life.

V-show was good.

Keiko is my friend again.

thats about it.

Carter is my friend too.

The more i think about, the more i hate it.

I'd never be able to marry a liberal.

I would also never want to be tartuffified. AND Ashlee Simpson is cool as hell! I have to finish candide. I like the book but candide himself is a pansy.

"Everything persecutes me in this world, even things that do not exist"- Voltaire

Homework is getting annoying and so is school. Econ is boring and im glad its half over. wow i complain a lot. in other news, i had Uno's for dinner. it was good. this is like the most eating out ive done in my life. 2 days in a row. OKay thats a slight exaggeration.

i'm in a bad mood.

Please.Come.Dive.In.Puddles.With.Me.

I'm sick of all my music. The weekend was okay. i need to read candide by tomorrow so i guess ill start doing that. i completely agree with Ryan on the whole college obsessors deal. I'm not really sure how much more of it i can take.

STOP TALKING ABOUT IT!



you know i'd like to keep my cheeks dry today so stay with me and i'll have it made. and i dont understand why i sleep all day and i start to complain when theres no rain. all i can do is read a book to stay awake and it rips my life away. but its a great escape.

Its not sane.

I want to get the new Jimmy Eat World.

I don't care what you do, I'm getting out. No nothing ever shames me. I don't want a thing from you. I'm goin gout. I don't care if youre angry. I'm getting out. No nothing ever shames me. I'm going out, i don't care if youre angry. i should have thought things through. im holding out. not getting an answer. i want to do right by you, but i'm finding out that cheating gets it faster.

Our hearts are littering the top soil

LOVE IS ONLY A FEELING

Keep on rockin me baby.

there is no closure. boooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.
I'm so naive.

The postal service is breaking my heart. And im sad.
Everything looks perfect from far away.

theres no blame
for how our love
did slowly fade
but now that
its gone, its like
it wasnt there
at all. and here
i rest, where
dissapointment
and regret
collide.
and i'm lying
awake at night.


i just found a friend in one of your lies, to treat me so nice. i can't believe my bones when they say so many things. they tell me i am fine. believe me, i try.

Ohhh what a night.

Late december back in 63

was a very special time for me.

As i remember, what a night.

Bush rocked the debates tonight. I feel priviledged to be one of the few republicans in our class of the ignorant the unaware and misinformed.

Hey John Kerry, don't mess with Texas.

"OH MY GOD KAREN, YOU CAN'T JUST ASK PEOPLE WHY THEY'RE WHITE!"-mean girls

In other news, I hate calculus and my life. However, I will hate it more if John Kerry becomes president and we all have socialized medicare and terrible quality of that.

WE NEED TORT REFORMS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

politics are taking over my life.

"And you broke me like the cigarette that i busted on the day i quit, but now that i've been drinking, i'm out of smokes and i wish that i had it. I woke up to my daily headache and the realization that you are gone. oh my sweet darling happiness, you've been away from me all along."

Steve's mad at me. I'm mad at macro. I miss the time in my life when no one was mad.

revised list of colleges as of today:

Boston College
University of Virginia
Washington University
Rice University
Syracuse University

i do not like school. i do not like it at all.

right now im going to barnes and noble to see exactly whatsome of these schools are about since kyle has all my books.

college of the day: syracuse university

BOO, YOU WHORE.

Homecoming was fun! yesterday at Ulta i saw Jeanae. I have trouble being my own person after seeing her because she's so much cooler than me and when i see her i want to be like her and not like me. Right now i'm eating a really good nature valley granola bar and i don't want it to end. I watched mean girls last night and i forgot how funny it is. I need to watched saved! too. i bought them both yesterday. or my mom did.

We love our bread, we love our butter. But most of all, we love eachother!!!

Today susan and i are supposed to play girl talk, eat tuna, talk about boys, and have a sleepover. i'll feel dumb if she doesn't want to anymore. haha. I'm in the mood to read, but i don't know which book to start!!!!!!!! i hate that feeling. i've got about 10 choices. i guess i could read Candide.

quote of the day, brought to you in part by regina george:
"Boo, you whore."

Homecoming was fun! yesterday at Ulta i saw Jeanae. I have trouble being my own person after seeing her because she's so much cooler than me and when i see her i want to be like her and not like me. Right now i'm eating a really good nature valley granola bar and i don't want it to end. I watched mean girls last night and i forgot how funny it is. I need to watched saved! too. i bought them both yesterday. or my mom did.

We love our bread, we love our butter. But most of all, we love eachother!!!

Today susan and i are supposed to play girl talk, eat tuna, talk about boys, and have a sleepover. i'll feel dumb if she doesn't want to anymore. haha. I'm in the mood to read, but i don't know which book to start!!!!!!!! i hate that feeling. i've got about 10 choices. i guess i could read Candide.

quote of the day, brought to you in part by regina george:
"Boo, you whore."

one-way trip can work both ways
and loose ends kept untied make better friends
the things you buy may someday leave you
can you say full ride? i can still see you around.


Good luck on tuesday.

I LOVE DICK CHENEY FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I LOVE DICK CHENEY FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If I lived till I was one hundred and two, I just don't think I'll ever get over you.

It's a luscious mix of words and tricks
That let us bet when you know we should fold
On rocks i dreamt of where we'd stepped
And the whole mess of roads we're now on.


I get the news I need on the weather report. I've got nothing to do today but smile.



And I'm frustrated, confused, sad, and failing.

I get the news i need on the weather report.

If I lived till i was one hundred and two, I just don't think i'll ever get over you.

I am thinking its a sign that the freckles in our eyes are mirror images and when we kiss they're perfectly aligned.



this is the end

I get the news i need on the weather report.



I'm sad today.

diet pepsi has the worst aftertaste.

"we are all just prisoners here, of our own device."

i cant bring myself to do the macro! if the ph is increased an enzyme will either not be able to funcion or if it can, it won't be maximizing its utility. im awesome. so i should shower.

yesterday i got a pair of jeans from urban outfitters for $3 dollars. it was almost as awesome as when i got the unwritten law cd for 1 cent. both are great. and i am great! i dont feel like writing that god damned research paper either.

Still sitting there with your legs crossed,
not paying attention to me.
If we talk, just curious, would this end up like it always does?
All the wrong I've done.
All the wrong I'll do.
Keeps me from trying.
It keeps me quiet.
Throw out your arms to each side.
It's easier to let things go.
When we talk think what we say: there's questions then silence and
in silence we remain.
All the wrong I've done and all the wrong I'll do.
It keeps me from trying.
Keeps me from calling you.
Something I just found out.
Something you know by now.
Hope makes you so strong.
Strength keeps you alone and far away.

We beat conant. What a weird night.

Now, in the deep and down, your heart moves.
Now, in the deep and down, I don’t know how but I know I want out.
Wait for something better, will I know when it can be us?
Wait for something better, maybe that doesn’t mean us.
Wait for something better, I shouldn’t, it’s not enough.
Pull one excuse from another.


And i'm not sure what i'm thinking right now.

listening to the postal service and feeling sorry for myself is how i love to spend my sunday nights.

doted on like seeds planted in a row
the untied shoelaces of your life
nurtured all year then pressed in a book
or displayed in bad taste at the table.
problems arise and you fan the fire
while there's a wild pack of dogs loose in your house tonight
cut from bad cloth or soiled like bad socks
add it up and basically people don't change
they just talk and make plans in the dark
or make haste with ideas that can't help
but creep good people out
as you talk to me too much you're assuming
we don't always want what's right
did i strike the right set of chords? you're annoyed
the goal is to ignite you then move on
you feel ill at ease. you got no squeeze
and the wise cracks won't make you more stable
you've learned your lines to scale and to time
why must i remind you know i'm only less able
cut from bad cloth or soiled like socks
we're ordinary people we can't help but to change
as we walk and make plans in the dark
or make haste with ideas that can't help
but creep good people out
as you talk to me too much you're assuming
we don't always want what's right
two fallen saplings in an open field
snow padding gently on an empty bench
and old woman's jewelry lying unadorned
cold nesting robins allied for the first time
i know when you hear these sappy lines
you'll roll your eyes and say "nice try"

Tomorrow morning before school i'm going to go talk to strock to make sure this wasn't all just a bad dream that i forgot to wake up from.

tonight I'm tangled in my blanket of clouds
dreaming aloud
things just won't do without you
matter of fact
I'm on your back

if you walk out on me
I'm walking after you

if you'd accept surrender
I'll give up some more
weren't you adored
I cannot be without you
matter of fact
I'm on your back

if you walk out on me
I'm walking after you

another heart cracked in two
I'm on your back

I kept the phone by my bed in case you called. you never did. i hoped you hadn't meant it all, but i guess ill just see you around.

there's no blame for how our love did surely fade
but now that its gone, its like it wasn't there at all
and here i lay, where dissapointment and regret collide.
and i'm lying awake at night.

CATHERINE: I wouldn't be you for a kingdom! Nelly, help me to convince her of her madness. Tell her what Heathcliff is: an unreclaimed creature, without refinement, without cultivation; an arid wilderness of furze and whinstone. I'd as soon put that little canary into the park on a winter's day, as recommend you to bestow your heart on him! It is deplorable ignorance of his character, child, and nothing else, which makes that dream enter your head. Pray, don't imagine that he conceals depths of benevolence and affection beneath a stern exterior! He's not a rough diamond - a pearl-containing oyster of a rustic: he's a fierce, pitiless, wolfish man. I never say to him, "Let this or that enemy alone, because it would be ungenerous or cruel to harm them;" I say, "Let them alone, because I should hate them to be wronged:" and he'd crush you like a sparrow's egg, Isabella, if he found you a troublesome charge. I know he couldn't love a Linton; and yet he'd be quite capable of marrying your fortune and expectations: avarice is growing with him a besetting sin. There's my picture: and I'm his friend -- so much so, that had he thought seriously to catch you, I should, perhaps, have held my tongue, and let you fall into his trap. Banish him from your thoughts. He's a bird of bad omen: no mate for you.

Wuthering heights

So I'm just sitting here. hanging out alone in my room. i have about half my homework done. Maybe a little less. My mouth has a decrease in swelling and an increase in bruising. but both have a DRASTIC decrease in quantity demanded. I did not go to september fest once this weekend. I feel no regret. I watched a bunch of movies. It hurts to talk but that hasnt stopped me. I want to go to bed but i need to check on my puppy first.

i feel awful and really hurting. garden state was good.

So getting the wisdom teeth out sucked and now im really swollen but thats life right? Hopefully I'm getting a greyhound for christmas.

Things i like

- AP lit
- AP macro
- AP spanish
- AP bio
- almost being done with high school
- the fall play being Little Women
- My dog
- Sleeping
- hopefully making it in LW
- Animal Planet

Things i don't like

- all the homework

- high school in general

- sophomore's who think they are so cool

- egomaniacs

- communists (rocko)

- being pessimistic

- applying to colleges

-my mom saying i need safety schools

- looking for above said safety schools

- schools with huge greek systems

School is awful and takes up all my time. Its hot in my house and ive been in a bad mood lately. there isn't anything else to say. Health is terrible. i never realized how lame sophomores are.

I don't understand calculus at all. I want to drop it. I'm an idiot i guess. I feel pretty terrible.

The first day was exciting i guess. Most of the time it was really funny, especially bio. health sucked. and i was all okay until now when i start thinking about you know what. because i never really stop thinking about it, but sometimes it just gets temporarily pushed to the back of my mind.

and all i want is a burrito
and someone to laugh at my jokes

even if your heart would listen, i doubt i could explain.

if you dont, well honey, then you don't

I remember Jimmy Eat World and i remember everything else. School is starting tomorrow morning. i havent talked to anyone who i have more than one class with. Summer is ending but I'm okay with that. College is getting closer and im just anxious to get those applications out and those letters of rejection in. I'm still looking for safety schools, but i dont really like any schools that i could realistically get into. ahh the irony. I listen to the postal service and the eagles and steve miller band. i like all sorts of music. i love learning. i love knowing that i could accomplish anything i want. i dont like the fact that i havent read brave new world yet. i guess i should go see what i can get done in 2 and a half hours. i love to sink to the beat. and i love to eat and i plan on doing both of those things everyday for the rest of my life!

GO WAHOOS!

Love sometimes,
AUDREY!

I should be reading right now but i just cant bring myself to do it.

"Is there a such thing as an f-5?"
"yeah... there is"
(all look up at the ceiling)

This trip to virginia was the best anyone could have.

"That streetlight isnt even on"
"The bandits probably punched it out"

I fell in love with UVA
On a lovely summer Day
The traffic was bad
but i wasn't mad
That's all there is to say


School starts in 2 days but i dont care because i FINALLY picked out my favorite school. and i FINALLY feel like i actually belong to a campus. and its a BEAUTIFUL one. and i can't wait. and i HOPE HOPE HOPE i get accepted.

One week left. Tomorrow we're leaving for the airport at 5:45. I'd rather be here than anywhere with you. Good Luck at tryouts Steve. Whatever happens, i hope you know you don't really want to quit. Today is looking like another day of ignoring aldous. Peace be with you.

"you're on and off. phase in phase out. cross your heart crash burn and fall. under cushions hide the change. so no one knows. just be careful who you tell. i really want to care when you say: "i'll change that." i just don't feel a thing when you say: "we'll get there...someday"

jimmy eat world




I can no longer make a paper crane. Hope i lost.

Well the only downfall to this layout is my inability to put archives on it because i dont know any html beyond the necessary skills to edit something really easy. Today i need to read Brave New World. I'm tired of the fact that i don't update this. I hate livejournal and im pissed that i chose it over this wonderful thing. either way... i wish the milk would come because i need some cereal. its 12:14 pm and all i've had is a diet coke. sick. i didnt even drink it all. Linda, Courtney and i leave for washington DC at around 7AM on thursday. school starts a week from tomorrow. that is the worst thought to enter my conscious this summer. Isn't anyone taking health this year? no? damn. well I am. I'm pretty bored obviously.

Am i sweetness? Am i sickness?


There is only so much time any sane person is willing to put into a relationship that is obviously stuck and has been stuck for years. Momentary lapses into the past will not suffice and its about time i started taking my own advice. This is not the first time a post like this has come across my blog and is undoubtedly not the last. But for once in my life i feel okay without you. I'm not sure if there is anything else to say.

I'm begining to despise my background on this thing because i think it misrepresents who i am. Not that there is a particular background out there that could represent who i am. I'm just thinking that maybe pieces of candy is not it. i'm not very candy-like. and i'm definitely not sweet and sugary. maybe im more like artificial sweetner. my heart's been deceitful. (okay that was a no doubt quote). Lately i've been watching the olympics and i guess it goes without saying that ive also been falling in love with michael phelps. I don't care if he only wins 1 gold metal, he's won my heart. I wonder if he would care to know that. Living vicariously through michael phelps however, is not enough for my olympian heart and i crave a gold metal of my own. To achieve this would be quite a feat considering i dont play any sports.

My mouth is covered in cancar sores. but over the last week i wanted to be a vet. and i really wanted to. especially when this little hawk flew into the window of the cabin and i sat with it until it came out of its stupor and back to its senses. It was moving, to say the least. my vetrinary desires we, however, fleeting and i gradually drifted back into the reality of my future place in the corporate world. I hate the commentators of the olympics. They are such bastards. today i read 100 pages of 1984 and finished the book. I really feel like some ice cream right now. Today i sent out 3 part one applications. They included Boston College, Rice, and Cornell. How does one go about becoming an olympian. I'm sick of my life, my priorities, my personality, my hair. If i just got a haircut, all of this would change. haha. Today going into the guidance office was a sick experience for me because it brought me back to reality. I'm going to have to see a lot of people who i'm not really looking forward to seeing. This post is getting drawn out and i need to find a new layout so i guess this is it.

I recommend everyone check out "Michael Moore is a Big Fat Stupid White Man." From now on this blog is hosting my political rants and raves of the day. They will of course primarily deal with the fact that michael moore is the most self-absorbed liar in the history of self-absorbed liars.

I think it is important for everyone to know that Fahrenheit 9/11 and Bowling for Columbine would not have been possible without the editing room and its ability to manipulate the truth.

I remain a faithful fan of Charlton Heston.

"We're all a little bit autistic." - Dustin Hoffman

"Television- that's where movies go when they die."- Bob Hope

"Gone with the Wind is going to be the biggest flop in history. I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable falling on his face and not me."- Gary Cooper

So lately i've been looking at AMERICAN UNIVERSITY. i'm visiting it in a couple weeks and i hope to god its not an urban campus.

In other news, i did about 3 weeks worth of laundry today and i'm going to wash the house tomorrow. Its really dirty and gross and will take me over 4 hours to do. I'm also searching for courtney now and awaiting her steadfast return.

"I've got stains on my t-shirt and i'm the biggest flirt. "

I'm also obsessed with ashlee simpson. couldnt have seen that one coming. my ipod needs to charge. i miss jeanae.

Well my opinion of BU and BC ended up changing. what a shocker. so now i love BC and go figure, BU is too urban. The next trip, which is near the end of august, is visiting GWU, American U(even though steve has already placed a claim on it), Georgetown, UVA and College of William and Mary. Maybe ill like some of them. ill probably like georgetown since i liked bc. oh well this a pathetic blog. i update it like once a month. but i love the blogger layout now so maybe that will change.

As far as my life goes, I'm out of deodorant and i dont want to finish cleaning the house and am therefore not going to. I'm on page 12 of 1984 and i haven't started brave new world. my theory for this is if i start and finish them now, by the time school starts i will have forgotten what they are about. so thats that. I'm sort of hungry but i really want to finish harry potter. i need to do laundry very badly.

And because i feel my life is wasting away, i'm going to start playing golf. because i dont do anything. and i should do something. Also, i have health 6th hour, does anyone else? hahahaha ohhhhhhhhhhhh.

I havent updated in a month. i just updated this about 5 seconds ago and it was a really long and profoundly worded post but it was deleted before i got to post it. thank you "internet explorer needs to shut down" message. either way the post was about my trip to boston which begins on thursday night. im going to look at Boston University and Boston College. im favoring BU at the moment just because it seems better, not because i'm secretly following every move lauren makes. She knows i am, ive already confessed. either way, BU just seems more.... alive, for lack of a better word. Hopefully i feel the same way after i've visited them. who knows. today is house cleaning day. how exciting.

what an awful day. so long 3.8, hello 3.2 again. failure is such a wonderful feeling

please keep the crowd under control. this is a matter of life and death and were not prepared. we just want you to know. this is the weight of my conscious. this is an all time low.


I wish i lived in Seattle. I wish i was there now.

This one's for you Steve...

"I can be an asshole of the grandest kind.
I can withhold like it's going out of style.
I can be the moodiest baby.
And you've never met anyone as negative as I am sometimes.

I am the wisest woman you've ever met.
I am the kindest soul with whom you've connected.
I have the bravest heart that you've ever seen.
And you've never met anyone as positive as I am sometimes.

You see everything, you see every part.
You see all my light, and you love my dark.
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed.
There's not anything to which you can't relate.
And you're still here.

I blame everyone else, not my own partaking.
My passive-aggressiveness can be devastating.
I'm the most gorgeous woman that you've ever known.
And you've never met anyone as everything as I am sometimes.

You see everything, you see every part.
You see all my light and you love my dark.
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed.
There's not anything to which you can't relate.
And you're still here.

What I resist, persists and speaks louder than I know.
What I resist, you love, no matter how low or high I go.

You see everything, you see every part.
You see all my light and you love my dark.
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed.
There's not anything to which you can't relate.
And you're still here."

The words they use so lightly, i only feel for you... and i would never lie to you no...

and you think your life is horrible? it must be so perfect, having everything.

my mood was getting better. now its not better. now its worse.

i'm way in the background. is anyone ever really happy?

The lunatic is on the grass.

and perfect is and illusion and life you save will never be your own.

I don't need to fight
To prove I'm right
I don't need to be forgiven

Prom was fun. Stephen was nice. Tracy's birthday is wednesday and she's my very good friend. its 83 degrees in my room and i'm not going to school tomorrow. Pink Floyd is depressing.

and as joy division accurately summed up: Love WILL tear us apart.

call me crazy. i' m just somewhat lost. i cant wait to get out of my life.

Prom was fun. i love melissa berena. now im just lamenting and listening to pink floyd. today as an after prom activity steve and i went to wendys and then returned his tux. our group wasnt really friends with us so we felt awkward hanging out with them today. my room is really hot.



"We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl year after year. Running over the same old ground. What have we found? The same old fears. Wish you were here."

I love Joshua Lawrence Chamberlain.

the rest of the civil war was boring but, what a heart throb. and the battle of gettysburg was intense. Killer Angels was a good book. Now onward- to the progressives!!!!!

Horace Mann being my second favorite after Lucretia Mott.

Pop Quiz: do any of the current "Riot Grrrlz" know what the Seneca Falls conference was and who was involved? I bet you don't.

I cant take it anymore. i hate andrew jackson. lauren tragically informed me yesterday that she is... yes... a democrat. say it ain't so. oh well. i think i'm going to go buy erin mcnamee's book on amazon.com now.

biggest annoyance of the week: anarchy, and all those favoring an anti-government

Okay time to study those lame first 25 presidents

I don't update very often. i'm not sure why not because i like this better than livejournal. from what i've gathered so far, live journals become obnoxious and it seems like people feel compelled to write about worthless details regarding their daily routines that just seem monotonous and boring. i'd rather not really be a part of that. of course i'll still write in livejournal, but there just wont be any real value in what i say. that is not to say that what i write in this is valuble or anything. but i feel more comfortable knowing only my friends have this link, and even they don't often access it. right now i am thinking of colleges i want to go to and i have a recently updated top 5.

1. Rice
2. Cornell
3. UVA
4. Georgetown
5. Wesleyan

Now i'm going to go study some more for the US final and AP test. i guess this is life. oh axle.

i miss keiko.

what a terrible night. i hate everything, school included. i can't do this anymore. i still have at least 4 hours of homework. no one reads this so its nice to update it. my mom destroyed my prom dress. and i dont want to go to that stupid dance anyway where im in a group with my ex-bestfriend who hates me and doesnt want me to be in their group and she doesn't want to be friends with me anymore ever.

and i have this stupid tiki thing that i bought carter in texas and i havent given it to him and thats just really sad because i havent seen him. whatever.

my ACT scores aren't good enough for my parents, and odds are i won't improve them next time. my grades are shit and they were relying on this test to get me into a good school. well so long any hopes of that happening. and im sorry. im sorry im not as smart as they thought. and what a great night for a breakdown when i have so much left to do. breakdown, what a stupid word.

oh what a fucking sob story.

I am no Calliope. I am no Aurora. I am no Ragnorak.

I am a fool, but i am not The Fool.

and forever may i wander seeking answers to unanswerable questions, all the while searching for my bohemia.

i realized this last year. your turn.


i think when it comes down to it. the only thing that really matters in life is love. and well if you can't deal with that then youre fucked. after everything else goes away. after everything else gets old. after there's nothing left to buy, or see, or accomplish, there is always something left to feel. love isn't a competition. there are no winners and losers. Its not about how long you date a certain guy, and its not about knowing everything about the other person. Its not about anything except love. There are no limitations on love either. you don't have to be 18 or 21 or 35 to understand it. there are no borders being drawn with emotions. you feel them and you are capable of feeling them at any age. saying it is impossible to be in love in high school is a statement made out of complete ignorance. love is a feeling. but it not always synonymous with pain or loss or longing. getting dumped and feeling upset about it doesn't mean you were in love. although it is often mistaken for it. the amount of time you know someone has no effect on the amount of love you may have for them. although it grows over time, it doesn't have to start small. there is no need to fight about it. there is no need to be protective or paranoid. all the worrying is a waste of energy.

i miss my pretty baby princess of the north and i hope i can see him soon. sunday. i also miss my other baby, courtney. ohhhhhhhhhhhhh dreadful. i miss everyone. hmm i can't really think of anything else.


with love from texas
audrey

and here is my first post on this blog ever. its from Tuesday, December 10th, 2002. i'm old school with this now.

Well it's december 10th and i'm starting this off by making the assumption that if you're reading this you know me. So today i without a doubt failed the chemistry test. i got about 3 bloody noses. i'm going to start keeping a record. Student council tomorrow. Charlie wants me to do jump training with him but i doubt i could last a day. Court and i said we were going to start working out. i hope that starts soon i'm quickly becoming a fatass. I just realized in 6 days it will be a year since i started going out with greg. time flies when you're not having any fun. right now i'm listening to jimmy eat world. lately i've been listening to the used, glasseater, and some indie like cursive and brighteyes. i just made up this song the other day. i think it will end up being about friends, and maybe how the ones from other schools suck.

there's something unsettling about this outline for Catcher in the Rye. i guess i'll go to bed and then wake up in the morning and do this outline. finish it. i wonder what prompts people to be mean. i would also like to know how many hours of my life ive spent within a 15 foot radius of courtney. id like to rant about straightedge but i find myself lacking energy and motive. i am looking forward to leaving this godforsaken town that is woodfield. woodfield, the shopping mecca. I wonder when i get to have my "fall" from innocence or if i already had it.

ps. to myself since im the only one who reads this- lauren's theory of the fact that she's supposed to have been born 90 years ago- i have an argument for that. you know those stupid patches that say "nebraska is for lovers" or whatever? well id like to own one that says "chicago is for fatalists" just because it seems right.

searching my name on google to find some wild and crazy pictures has no point because the only pictures that come up, besides porn, are:

1. Audrey Hepburn
2. Audrey Tautou
3. Audrey II

i take these as a prophesy and odds are 2:1 that i'll be a famous actress with a lot of beauty ha. awkward wording. thanks ms maddox. but i guess there is always that chance that i'll be a killer plant. either way, i've decided i like my name. so there we go.

ii didn't go to school today because i had too much homework. now i'm starting to feel sick. so i dont get those dresses that like come down just above the crack of your ass because what if you sit down or something? or what if your crack starts higher than everyone elses and you order this dress out of the magazine only to find that your crack shows the whole time? i dont get it. are open backs really that sexy? wow i don't think ive said "sexy" in about 5 years. my mom says i swear too much. i wish i lived in england so i could say things like "sod off" or "piss off" and not look like a loser. i cant think of anythkng else right now. i should get back to work. or what do i mean back to? ha. i shoudl start something. anything. im hungry.

you'll rescue me right? in the exact same way they never did..
I'll be happy right? when your healing powers kick in

you'll complete me right? then my life can finally begin
I'll be worthy right? only when you realize the gem I am?

but this won't work now the way it once did
and I won't keep it up even though I would love to
once I know who I'm not then I'll know who I am
but I know I won't keep on playing the victim

these precious illusions in my head did not let me down
when I was defenseless
and parting with them is like parting with invisible best friends

Despair could ravage you if you turn your head around to look down the path that's lead you here, cause what can you change?
You're a vessel now floating down the waterways.
You can take your rudder and aim your ship, just don't bother with the things left in your wake.
Just sail belly up to the clouds, the rocks scraping your back.
To breathe in the air will be the only thing that you have
and your love will be warm nights with pockets of moonlight
spotlighting you as you drift, the actor in this play.
You walk across the stage, take a bow, hear the applause,
and as the curtain falls, just know you did it all
the best that you knew how and you can hear them cheering now.
So let a smile out and show your teeth cause you know you lived it well.

I though of that old joke, y'know, the, this, this guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, uh, my brother's crazy. He thinks he's a chicken." And, uh, the doctor says, "Well, why don't you turn him in?" And the guy says, "I would, but I need the eggs." Well, I guess that's pretty much how I feel about relationships. Y'know, they're totally irrational and crazy and absurd and, but, uh, I guess we keep going through it because, uh, most of us need the eggs.


annie hall