I would swim to sea and make you all believe that i dont belong in the suburbs, its been so long since the sun burned.

--i've lived here all this time and my whole life has been a useless whine when all i ever wanted was a way out, and this boredom knows me well. i'm sure you'll never tell.--

I Miss Chris Brady.

okay well i'm updating this because i accidentally deleted my whole post on the lame ass livejournal so whateva. the play was saweet. it went over well surprisingly. i was being unusually affectionate towards steve at village tavern and disregarding my concern for p.d.a. but whateva. my brother is listening to nelly and trying to sing it. ohhh eric. anyway last night carter and the usual suspects came to the play including leo and laura which was nice because i dont se ethem enough lol. i love those two. jim shedd came too which was, of course, nice. at dinner sarah asked susan how long she's been insane, meaning how long has she been going out with mike. i thought it was really funny. maybe im the only one.

now i'm going to start going to the mall again
and going to shows again
because i'm just like everyone else
except much more hardcore, obviously
now eric is listening to black eyed peas, which is terrible. ohh. where the britney?

time for us and english. yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

ohhh and eric just called a couple of his "magic cards" ghetto. ohhhh. haha

Tonight was bad. all nights are bad, for the most part. Play practice went to hell in a handbasket and strock said we had no reason to be emotionally drained because we didn't do anything all night. i got home about 10 minutes. dinner was gross. lindsay was sad. Now i'm only wearing one contact because the other one fell out in the car.

my hair was crimped today just like my soul. jeff jet needs to learn his lines soon because we're sort of running out of time... kind of.

i have to finish grapes of wrath tonight which should be a good time. i only have like 100 pages to read. great. i ALSO have to start catcher in the rye again since we have preliminary outlines due on monday. great. i scheduled today and i sort of just took a little bit of everything since i didnt really know what i wanted to take at all. i dont know what i want to be when i grow up. this puts me at a disadvantage because i dont know what i want to take. everyone wants to be something. and i dont know.

i'm going to fall asleep with strocks lovely "constructive" critisism ringing in my ears. Tomorrow i'm for sure going off with kevin and charlie and melissa since they are going to melissas house and its going to be a sweet time. okay well eric needs help downloading or burning or something. this is done.

Kissing the war goodbye,
audrey

I'm listening to the postal service and fading into a techno-depressive mode. I'm in the mood for death cab but its in the car and I don't want to go get it. 5 days until the play. I'm nervous.
I am a visitor here. I am not permanent.

I need to cry a lot in the play and thinking about one phrase can get me really sad. But I feel like its sad beyond crying. I usually just cry when I get really frustrated which luckily, with this role, happens often. Anyway the phrase is "now I am finally seeing that I was the one worth leaving" does that sound sad? Maybe it has to be in context.

I'm looking at my freshman letter from soccer. Something that probably can get me worked up faster than Harrison. That line probably pissed Steve off though it shouldn't have. I'm sad now. Sometimes I think I could be a motivational speaker as a job. But I just don't know what I would motivate people to do. I mean I haven't gone through rehab or had a teen pregnancy or done anything that can really relate to anyone, but sometimes I feel like maybe that's what people need to hear. Yeah I live in an average size house and I have an average size family and I guess im pretty much the norm. But am I? Maybe I'm not and maybe no one really is and that's the beauty of it. Still, its not beauty to me, just unnecessary controversy.

but everything looks perfect from far away...

no one really comments on my livejournal so i'll do this today. i like it better anyway. we got out of practice early which was great because i have so much homework and i have to take 2 tests tomorrow including lazarillo de tormes and Math. the math should take me from about 7-8:20 so its a good thing i have first off. i'm sick of lifegaurding and i want it to be over. Not scheduling until next week is a drag. steve missed it since he wasnt at school so i hope he still takes my advice and goes with gov.econ instead of survey. well nothign really exciting happening except i feel like shit and my throat hurts badly. too much homework to really think about anything else. i guess i should probably go do that. saturday is turnabout and wow did that sneak up. this means that its almost april which means its almost time for the spring pep and promote assembly. any ideas for themes? we can do it.

Even though i took a shower today i still feel gross. sweaty. I'm missing play practice today and on Monday from 7-12 jamie strock will eat my heart. i hope she likes it. i feel bad emotionally and phsyically. since "bad" is such a descriptive word i know everyone will know where i'm coming from. i want a Canon Supershot S500 for my birthday. its a digital camera. and its all i asked for. yes i have been dragged into this digital camera fiasco kicking and screaming but now that i'm here i might as well have top of the line gear, right? i just said "gear" like i'm going backpacking in the boundary waters or something. well. same idea. I figured i can do my months a little easier with a digi camera than with thousands of disposables.


this was not supposed to be long.
suck.
i had valentines for everyone today and now i'm sad because i cant give them out.
and i missed the lazarillo test. hes sucha fuckass.
and math. who knows when ill take and fail that.

And i wanted to have something to say. something that would hit people somewhat to the effect of being blind sighted by semi at 3 in the morning while driving a geo metro. i wanted people to turn around and listen to me, but more importantly to feel i was saying something important. for a long time the only thing that made sense to write about was the dreary drabbness or the monotonous routine that i was forced to succumb to every day of my prepubecent life. It seemed to me, that the only important issue concerning nearly everyone i could possibly think of, was the idea of bullying and that it is, in all honesty, real. This topic has been covered by authors the world over and because i knew i did not have the ability to top their already beautifully garnished salad of peer brutality stories, i was left to wander from topic to topic as though i had some certainty of where i was going to end up. Ending sentences with prepositions, like the former, is no way to get from point A to point ANYWHERE in the game of writing. so i fail miserably from the begining and before my epic has even taken flight, it has crashed and there are no survivors. It serves me right for attempting a novel this way as i have no creative ideas of my own but i have vowed to follow lauren and do as she does in every aspect of life. Should she, however, decide to go to U of I, i will not keep in step, because although the humble school is highly esteemed by college guides the world over, i have other plans regarding my future and U of I is not anywhere to be seen. Though i don't know exactly what i want to do with my life, i know damn well i won't find it at U of I. I feel it is hard to dicern between the bitter, cynical, grammatically incorrect whining and the real flow an author can make by using the over-used technique of stream of consciousness. I am no faulkner/falkner, nor do i claim to be, but to be blunt: Falkner/faulkner is a bore and his use of long-winded sentences and complex word choices leave the author only pondering the question of these intimidating phrases only resulting from his overcompensating for his height, or lack there of. Be that as it may, i am in no position to go on anylonger about nothing and if i'm going to write a novel i want the focus to be somewhat visible from the start and hopefully slightly moreso towards the end. As for this ballyhoo that i have just taken far too long to write, i will perhaps add it as the preface, or maybe an irrelevant epilogue to throw the reader, whoever he may be, through loopholes of misunderstanding and misconception. it is my exact intention to lose the prospective reader in a giant jumble of characters and places and ideas because that is exactly how i see that world, and giving anything other than my own unique perception would take away the whole point: originality. I have often wondered the definition of this word and its ability to seemingly pretain to everyone. I have yet to meet someone who believes he lacks originality. Everyone is so god damned special. Everyone is a walrus. Well, maybe its true, maybe everyone really is completely different from everyone else, but thats not going to stop my unnecessarily harsh judgments from being made and its sure as hell not going to stop everyone elses. I only know one being who stands out from the rest of the world, and that is my dog. No one has ever been so excited to see me every single time i walk in the door. They weren't lying when they said "man's best friend." I have met a lot of liars, a lot of frauds, a lot of could-have-beens, a lot of perfectionists, a lot of antagonists, a lot of conformists, a lot of cowards BUT i have NOT met a lot of thinkers. That is where the intelligence lies my friends, and one can only go so long feigning the ability to think before he is discovered and his stupidity is brought to light. I have met these people who believe themselves to be smarter than the rest but when it comes down to it, they really arent. to put it plainly, society thinks its smarter than it is. We think we are better than thoreau because we have no desire to live alone with nature and no desire to understand life. We think sticking our noses up at the classics makes us look "spirited" and "rebelious" but really it just makes us look like jackasses. and by US i mean you.

"I'm sort of an atheist. I like Jesus and all, but I don't care too much for most of the other stuff in the Bible. Take the Disciples, for instance. They annoyed the hell out of me, if you want to know the truth. They were all right after Jesus was dead and all, but while He was alive, they were about as much use to Him as a hole in the head. All they did was keep letting Him down. I like almost anybody in the Bible better than the Disciples. If you want to know the truth, the guy I like best in the Bible, next to Jesus, was that lunatic and all, that lived in the tombs and kept cutting himself with stones. I like him ten times as much as the Disciples, that poor bastard."
-catcher in the rye

nothing really makes sense anymore. life, school, the play. things i used to enjoy are now just rehearsed routine and they no longer have my attention. i'm just going through the motions. and what i wonder is, when am i going to stop going through the motions? winter is a depressing season. and my birthday is in 6 days. i'll be 17 and it will be the same as 16 only now i can get into R rated movies. i dont know if i coudl before because i only tried it once and it worked but iw as too scared to try after that. and ya know. fuck this shit. im begining to question whether or not i really want to be rich when i grow up. college is a scary word.,

"Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you'll start missing everybody."

the catcher in the rye

"Never meddle with play actors, for they're a favored race."

"Actors are the only honest hypocrites."

"To go into acting is like asking for admission to an insane asylum. Anyone may apply, but only the certifiably insane are admitted"

Good one steve, with the present. lol. superbowl sunday and i'm reading grapes of wrath and doing apus. it is chapter 23 thats due tomorrow right? it doesn't matter. i don't think i;ll ever finish grapes of wrath. not like i read it a lot but it just seems too long.

now i'm sick of eric's megaphone. note to self- don't by children a megaphone. ever. time to get down and dirty with the progressive era again. i'm kicking ass on the chapter quiz tomorrow. boo yeah.

axle is barking. ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh pupppy. so much for thoughtful posts

much ado about nothing.