And so it comes to be, a day no longer here. A year spent in your shadows, pining over your absence. Where has it led me but to further discoveries regarding myself? It is only after this prolonged adventure lacking a climax that i call 2003 that i have realized that the most important moments were small and ordinarily glanced over without a second thought. in retrospect these moments were the ones that ultimately made the year worth surviving. Without your voice in my ears and your hand resting on the small of my back, i have been forced into the realization that i don't need you in my life and this obsession with your acceptance of me has left me blinded to all the beauty that the world truly does possess. It is only now that i am able to accept the reality of the situation. i understand now that the only person i will ever have to live for is myself. Regardless of whether or not you accept me or, for that matter, regardless of whatever you think of me, i will be able to live. In the months to come, i will let go of our 4 year obligation to eachother. i will cut myself free from the tethers that have kept me tied to you while you have never considered yourself bound to me in any way. who are you if not my first love? you are just a boy and from now on i will regard you as such. This charade of dancing in circles around the question of love has gone on for too long and i am no longer willing to let myself join the masses and be a fool for you. "you may, the memory of what has past half makes me hope you will, have pain in this. a very very brief time. and you will dismiss the recollection of it gladly as an unprofitable dream from which it happened well that you awoke."

in case anyone was curious of the outcome on that spider solitaire game, i won. i would just like to say that everyone is a hypocrite. sick. wait there's something funny that courtney said...

frack698: i think you deserve a pair of american flag flip flops possibly old navy?
gloryfades72: oh you sick bastard


so tonight or last night. i went mini golfing with.... cebo, carter, kevin, nick, and steve. it was pretty fun but my expectations of The Putting Edge were not exactly met. but maybe i just had them set to high. either way, i didn't do any homework. so long sunlight. this girl isn't going outside all weeeekend. i want a west highland terrier for my birthday named julius. well time for some sleep before i start bringing in the new year

-the patron saint of liars and fakes

I'm pretty thirsty but i don't really want to get up. i have courtneys swollen mouth on tape if anyones into that kind of thing. i'm not sure really what to say except i'm in the mood for a dvd but we i don't got a playa in my crib. well my room. oh well. i guess ill just settle for a sprite and another god damned game of spider solitaire.

so lauren posted her new years resolutions on her blog so i'm going to do the same thing.

1) no more fast food


wow that was easy alright so im not as determined as lauren but i know i cannot both like myself and other people all in the same year. thats just asking way too much. so i'll start small and maybe by the time im 45 ill be on the same track as her. it doesn't really make a difference though because no fast food is important and maybe ill be healthy and being healthy would lead to being more positive and optimistic. see i'm just simplifying lauren;s list and starting with the root cause of all my destructive behavior. because if i can blame my life on anything, its fast food.

in other news... i went downtown today and saw the Manet exibit. it was nice but i decided i like monet much better. sorry buddy. we went to urban outfitters too and i got mittens and a shirt that says "i <3 sloths" yeah nice? well fuck you. its clever. steve is sitting on my bed now. bored and i;m typing this. i suppose its time to go entertain him.

ps. i like the great gatsby. but i wish i could finish it so i could start apus and oh does anyone want to help me with the huck finn outline?yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyeah

"It was one of those rare smiles with a quality of eternal reassurance in it, that you may come across four or five times in life. It faced- or seemed to face- the whole external world for an instant, and then concentrated on you with an irresistable prejudice in your favor."

"when i came to visit you, thats when i knew that i could never have you. i knew that before you did. still im the one who's stupid"

sitting here with courtney. thinking about a lot of things and listening to motorcyle driveby, trying to decide my cd for carter. it will be good. yes. it will be.

i love number 5.

its christmas day and i'm online. i dont think its pathetic

i saw dana at church. cool huh?

dear my only reason for living,
you are the beauty i could only dream of possessing.
you are constant as the northern star.
you are the black ice invisible on february nights.
you are the unending humidity of mid-July.
you are a reminder of what i wish to someday aspire to.
you are the steady background support who has never craved the spotlight attention of my life yet has changed me entirely none-the-less.
you are my lobster.
you are my trust and desire.
you are the reason i get up in the morning.
and you dont even remember my name.





i wrote this during summer school.

Its christmas eve and steve just went home and now i'm thinking about carter and how i lost his gift and had to buy him something else. this bright eyes song reminds me of him. actually a lot of songs do but i think this one kind of makes me hurt a little when i hear it.

"all eyes on the calendar
another year i claim of total indifference
to here the days pile up
with decisions to be made
i'm sure all of them were wrong
into this song, i send myself
and with these drinks i plan to collapse and forget
this wasted year
these wasted years
devoted friends, they disappear
i'm sorry about the phone call and needing you
some decisions you don't make
i guess it's like breathing and not wanting to
there are some things that you can't fake
i guess that it is typical
to cling to memories you'll never get back again
and to sort through old photographs of a summer long ago
or a friend that you used to know
and there, below his frozen face
you wrote the name and that ancient date
and you can't believe he is really gone
when all that's left is a fucking song
i'm sorry about the phone call and waking you
i know that its late
but thank you for talking because i needed to
some things just can't wait."


to the one person who enjoys my company and is well aware of my flaws, who can see through my facades and likes me inspite of that. who never really gave up even when my childish antics got old. who helped me learn how to live with myself but was patient when i couldn't. who saw it as it was, and not what we wanted it to be; Merry Christmas, Carter.

i found my friendsfile yesterday that i had everyone fill out in aprilish? i guess it was funny

audrey... only


really funny. sometimes i just have to hit myself really hard and say "audrey, don't be so fucking ridiculous." i was saved by grace but destroyed by naivety. now who is grace and who is naivety? a few months ago or maybe less harrisonwent through his usual phase of wanting to be friends with me for 2 days. i guess i should be expecting an instant message in a few weeks then. thats great, hes as predictable as my period, which is, needless to say, not predictable at all. except you know its going to be there at the most inopportune times.


youre right, motorcycle drive by is an amazing song. it reminds me of you actually and the warm summer mornings with the windows down, and how the song made me feel at ease even though i wasnt. i could go on for hours about how applicable the lyrics are to my life but that would just be the epitome of redundancy so ill leave it at this
"I hope you take a piece of me with you.
And there's things I'd like to do
that you don't believe in.
I would like to build something,
but you'd never see it happen."

"Taste the salt and taste the pain,
I'm not thinking of you again.
Summer dies and swells rise,
The sun goes down in my eyes."

wallowing in my self-pity for days that turn into months that turn into years that turn into the rest of my life and i just watched it all go by without a word. unusual, or is it? the without a word part certainly is but am i really that extroverted?

tonight steve gave me my christmas presents. he bought me a watch and the newest nicholas sparks book. it was great but way too much.anyway we went to see lotr and it was good. considering i slept through the second one i thought i understood it partially. well then i came home and made some sugar cookies since i got new cookie cutters at "Le gormet chef" and i got this lobster but the cookies kept breaking when i tried to take them off the sheet. ohw ell.

so im sitting here on the floor in my room with disorganized furniture wondering how i got here. "here" i think meaning life in general. christmas is almost here and i dont feel ready for it. not yet. it doesnt even seem like december. life does move really fast, i guess, only while youre living it seems to take forever. maybe its better that life seems to last forever because we have time to ponder unanswerable questions into the hot and endless days of the neverending summers. or maybe it would be better if life only seemed to last the blink of an eye, to make sure we have motivation to do all the things we want to do instead of just procrastinating and putting things off until theres nothing left to put them off to. i cant decide.

"See the pyramids along the Nile
Watch the sunrise on a tropic isle
Just remember darlin' all the while
You belong to me

See the market place in Old Algiers
Send me photographs and souvenirs
Just remember when a dream appears
You belong to me

I'll be so alone without you
Maybe you'll be lonesome too, and blue

Fly the ocean in a silver plane
See the jungle when it's wet with rain
Just remember 'til you're home again
You belong to me"

i heard this song today and it bothered me because, well 1 because i couldnt tell who it was, and 2 because it seemed like something steve would say at me. or yell at me. i cant really remember the words or context much beyond the idea of someone trying to change someone else without realizing that they were expecting way to much and trying to change someone entirely and its wrong/ and despite this persons attempts to configure the opposites personality, he explains in the chorus that hes willing to stay and wait it out. thats just sad to me because i dont think i deserve it.

im a compass without a direction serving no purpose but bleeding into the night as if these lacerated wounds would never heal. i bear this cross to show the world i know who i am and where i stand. the universe is bigger than we thought so does that make my cross ironic? i stumble over words and fall over feelings, on my way down i hit myface on jagged rocks and stay bleeding until i'm dead. love is a panic as opposed to a picnic. and in ITS crippling brevity, this nervous habit is choking me. death by asphixiation as a clear cut reflection of my panic-stricken sense of self. failure by design? or just failure?

"you know the feeling when you get into a warm bath? well, you make me feel like a bath?"

its saturday morning and im ready to rock and roll. count your pennies kids, we're going to the circus.

so i'm just doing the aim express thing until i get my computer back

at the end of my day i found out
you weren't worth what i thought of you



this isn't love there on the backend of forever i wish i would never hurt again

SO i havent updated or been online lately because i dont have access to my computer because its not in my room. my room is painted and almost ready to be carpeted and when that is complete, i will be up and running again. i havent really been thinking lately anyway so updating this would do me no justice. im just checking up on things and playing a game of spider solitaire before returning to the daunting task of ap us. then i will make up an entire psychology project and do maht and i think thats it. well oh well. this weekend has been quick. im ready for break and imnot eating fast food any more

wow i just cant say anything right can i? great

can we say stressed out? yes, yes we can, and we can say it LOUDLY. i love lauren mangiaforte

Innocence lost.

In the naive years that make up my entire existence i've come to understand that no one ever really "gets it" in the end. We are all just wandering around hoping to run into someone who will laugh at your jokes and thinks you're funny even when youre not. Is there some fabricated plan to the rest of our lives or is everything just randomly thrown together. cross your fingers and hope they still love you in 50 years, 40 lbs, and a lot of wasted money later. I would like to believe that somewhere between the structured design and pointless wandering, there is a happy medium where people can find the love they deserve without having to throw themselves out in front of traffic. I'm not saying that i'm going to be expecting my soul mate to just magnetically collide into me, but i don't want to have to be searching up and down boardwalks with a sign. i don't know where i'm going with this. its too late for a heated debate against myself. i havent studied enough ap us. but i need to get sleep. so i'll deal with these ideas later

i'm not sure what to say, or if i have anything new to say at all. i could quote postal service on how i feel at the moment. do you ever look at a picture and wish you could remember exactly how you felt at that moment? that happens to me a lot with pictures of me when i was little. i just wonder what i was thinking about, and if i was happy, and if i knew that my parents were never around or if i just thought that was normal. i found a picture of steve and he looks sad which is different for pictures of him because he usually just looks angry. either way, i was just wondering what he was thinking about.


"i want to take you far from the cynics in this town and kiss you on the mouth. We'll cut our bodies free from the tethers of this scene, start a brand new colony."

heres another one. i hope its the last one for a while. i just cant stop

i n f o r m a t i o n
1. name: Audrey
2. single or taken: single
3. sex: Female
4. birthday: 2/14
5. sign: Aquarius
6. siblings: Eric
7. hair color: brown
8. eye color: blue
9. shoe size: 10
10. height: 5'9
11. favorite foods: chicken fingers and ranch and enchiladas
12. hometown: Schaumburg

r e l a t i o n s h i p s
1. who are your best friends?: Courtney Chris Ali and Carter
2. do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: no
3. did you send this to your crush?: No
4. did your crush send this to you?: No
5. longest relationship?: over 6 months, ic ouldn't give exact dates
6. how many actual relationships have you been in?: 5
7. how many people have you kissed?: 9
8. are you shy around your crush?: haha no
9. do you indulge in random hook-ups?: no
10. still have feelings for anyone you've been in a past relationship with?: yes
11. do you know what it feels like to be in love?: yes
12. would you sacrifice your favorite possession for your best friends?: definitely

f a s h i o n | s t u f f
1. where is your favorite place to shop?: american eagle
2. have any tattoos or piercings?: no
3. what is your favorite thing to wear?: hollister pants and r.b.f.
4. what is a must have accessory?: my watch
5. how much is the most you've ever spent on a single item of clothing?: umm maybe $50?
7. who is the most fashionable person you know?: Lindsay
8. who is the least fashionable person you know?: me
9. do you match your belt with your hair color?: No
10. what is the worst thing you've ever thought looked good: some pretty ugly purses
11. what are you wearing right now?: soccer shorts and a tank top
12. how many pairs of shoes do you own? id say just over 25
13.what is the worst trend you see today?: buckling belts on the side or the back. so lame. everything at H and M

s p e c i f i c s
1. do you do drugs? no
2. what kind of shampoo do you use?: herbal essensessensees
3. what are you most scared of?: spiders i guess
4. what are you listening to right now?: nothing
5. who is the last person that called you?: uhhh steve
6. where do you want to get married?: somewhere warm
7. how many buddies are online right now?: 12
8. what would you change about yourself?: i think id change everything except my flawless sense of style
9. what are essentials in your life?: friends, books
10. if you had the power to do any one thing, what would it be? fly
11. what nationality are you?: German/Irish
12. do you send out holiday cards each year?: my parents do

h a v e | y o u | e v e r
1. given someone a bath? yes
2. smoked?: yes
3. bungee jumped?: no
4. made yourself throw up?: yeah, i used to think that was the only way i could stay home from school.
5. skinny dipped?: Yeah
6. made yourself cry to get out of trouble?: yeah, it doesnt work
7. cried when someone died?: yeah
8. fallen for your best friend?: Yes
9. been rejected?: yeah
10. rejected someone?: Yeah
11. used someone?: no

c u r r e n t
1. hair: flat ass
2. music: none
3. make-up: some left over from last night
4. annoyance: axle and eric
5. scent: pancakes downstairs
6. favorite artist: jackson pollock
7. favorite group: blink 182
8. desktop picture: this cinderella thing
9. book you're reading: huck finn, walden
10. cd in player: saves the day
11. dvd in player: lock stock and 2 smoking barrels
12. color of toenails: none

c h r i s t m a s | w i s h | l i s t
1. Love
2. Money
3. Video Camera
4. Sweaters
5. Dvds/cds

i hope you're happy now, because i'm not, and he's not.

Once on a yellow piece of paper with green lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Chops"
because that was the name of his dog
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and a gold star
And his mother hung it on the kitchen door
and read it to his aunts
That was the year that Father Tracy
took all the kids to the zoo
And he let them sing on the bus
And his little sister was born
with tiny toenails and no hair
And his mother and father kissed a lot
And the girl around the corner sent him a
valentine signed with a row of X's
and he had to ask his father what the X's meant
And his father always tucked him in bed at night
And was always there to do it

Once on a piece of white paper with blue lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Autumn"
because that aws the name of the season
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and asked him to write more clearly
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because of its new paint
And the kids told him
that Father Tracy smoked cigars
And left butts on the pews
And sometimes they would burn holes
That was the year his sister got glasses
with thick lenses and black frames
And the girl around the corner laughed
when he asked her to go see Santa Claus
And the kids told him why
his mother and father kissed a lot
And his father never tucked him in bed at night
And his father got mad
when he cried for him to do it.

Once on a paper torn from his notebook
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Innocence: A Question"
because that was the question about his girl
And that's what it was all about
And his professor gave him an A
and a strange steady look
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because he never showed her
That was the year that Father Tracy died
And he forgot how the end
of the Apostle's Creed went
And he caught his sister making out on the back porch
And his mother and father never kissed
or even talked
And the girl around the corner
wore too much makeup
That made him cough when he kissed her
but he kissed her anyway
because that was the thing to do
And at three A.M. he tucked himself into bed
his father snoring soundly

That's why on the back of a brown paper bag
he tried another poem
And he called it "Absolutely Nothing"
Because that's what it was really all about
And he gave himself an A
and a slash on each damned wrist
And he hung it on the bathroom door
because this time he didn't think
he could

"You guys, you made me ink."
"See this tenticle? its actually shorter than all my other tenticles, but you really cant tell especially when i twirl like this."

id do anything for you. and you probably don't know this is about you. youre a great friend i just wish i saw you more often. i guess its hard to keep up with everything. i wish it wasnt. you like me the way i am and i guess that just. i dont know. i just wish you knew. yeah somethings wrong but i just cant put my finger on it.

who loves outkast besides me? hhhheyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy ya. don't try to fight the feeling cuz the thought alone is killing me right now. this is putting me in a better mood

does anyone have a medicine for melancholy? how about some thoreau? walden and civil disobedience?

homework is such a comforting consistency. i had 4 hours today. i'm gonna shake it like a polaroid picture.

lets see funniest thing today? i want to record it. i think it might have been ryan wearing white socks. or maybe him telling me about yasmeen falling asleep in apus. i wish i could have been there. or maybe the funniest thing was me telling mrs lopez that dan and i were just discussing our wedding plans and then dan confessing to me after class that he was having second thoughts.

this is the last time we'll be friends again. ill get over you. you'll wonder who i am. and theres this burning, just like there's always been. ive never been so alone. and ive never been so alive.


I go home to the coast,
It starts to rain,
I paddle out,
On the water,
Alone,
Taste the salt and taste the pain,
I'm not thinking of you again,
Summer dies and swells rise,
The sun goes down in my eyes,
See this rolling wave,
Darkly coming to take me,
Home

I'll be the fire escape that's bolted to the ancient brick where you will sit and contemplate your day.

i baked you a cake but i threw it away along with the ashes left over from when i burned your pictures. and these pathetic attempts to gain your acceptance fail repeatedly and now its clear to me that "i was the one worth leaving"

"Reality is a sliding door."