after six years of therapy, i am finally the most emotionally healthy member of my family. but then again, maybe i have been all along.

boston in the AM.

the american dream fails to mention love because there are some things that perserverence cannot attain.

did i write that? i don't really think so. i found in the sophomore year journal just now that actually ended up molding into the senior year notebook for random rambling and bitching.

i also write terrible poetry. i'm in denial of the brevity of lackluster dreams.

cky
cky
cky
"Dunn, do it for fuck's sake. quit being a pussy."
"He lives a block away from me.. a block. you love in another township! He could walk to my house and kill me."
cky
cky
cky

"You're a few years overdue. I spent them waiting here for you."
-getupkids

I have this weird relationship with my parents. I actually have this weird relationship with everyone. Courtney can remember what i wore at almost every important and nonimportant event that i've been through in her presence. I watched Noises Off! with my parents and E the other day and nostalgia inevitably set in. even though im currently confused about almost everything in my life i'm greatful for the world's best friend because without her, all my decisions would be awful and wrong instead of just most of them. when i read all the writing on my desk, the best parts are court writing her name in a gold sticker on 12.28.02 and 12.28.03 and vince writing "Hi Audrey, youre heavy metal." spring break 2003 lives on in my heart forever.

i also dont know whats so tender about this trap.

"I don't mind waiting if it takes a long, long time.
And I don't mind wasting the best years of our lives.
And I don't mind racing through our goodbyes."
rilokiley

i finally upgraded to the new blogger against my will. i went to dominicks with my dad today and blockbuster.

i havent updated in a few days because my computer blows.

i need a mac

and also an apartment next year. get me off this sick ass campus.

I am determined to like myself. In fact, I am determined to love myself. I'm so over this decade of self-hate.

"This above all:
to thine own self be true"
shakespeare

my birth control sucks.

So i am talking to Cyndi tomorrow and for the first time in at least a month i feel like i actually have things i want to work through. I have issues, this is clear. I'm needy, codependent, and drawn to guys with extreme emotional baggage. but now that i started reading this book, mock all you want, i understand WHY i do the things i do, which ive never really understood. i also think codependency is a lot more common than people really think. everyones a little codependent. just like everyone could use a little therapy. i really think its true.


"I think that i'm throwing but i'm thrown.
i thought id live forever but now i'm not so sure,
you try to tell me that i'm clever
but that won't me anyhow or anywhere with you.
You said that i was naive and i thought that i was strong
i thought "hey i can leave i can leave"
oh but now i know that i was wrong."
lisaloeb

I'm ready to close one chapter of my life that has been open for far too long. Even though its taken me a long time to get to this point i dont think ive made wrong decisions in getting here. this is relieving. the point is, sometimes people just never really grow up and its nice to be able to realize that you are growing up when you look back at these people and forget why you ever held them up as high as you did. and this isnt about you steve.


"One more inch,
You son of a bitch.
You've been wasting my time, always.
And now you're half awake.
You bend til you break.
And make the same mistakes, always."
guster


i love courtney and gio for reading this and also for being the greatest friends!

"You provide me the lighter fluid to fuel in my fire
You're my entire supply of gas, the match and igniter
The only way that I'm able to stay so stable
Is you're the legs to my table,
If you were to break I'd fall on my face
But I'm always gonna make you feel
I don't need you as much as I really need you
So you don't use it to your advantage
But you're essential to me
You're the air I breathe
I believe if you ever leave me
I'd probaly have no reason to be
You are the Kim to my Marshall
You're the Slim to my Shady
The Dre to my Eminem"
eminem

"There's no vocabulary
For love within a family, love that's lived in
But not looked at, love within the light of which
All else is seen, the love within which
All other love finds speech.
This love is silent."
T.S. Eliot

I'm thinking about switching to a psych major and becoming a therapist instead. courtney thinks i would be good at it and she is probably the only one. i'm also tired and in need ot a nap but refuse to take one right after eating lunch. i guess ill read.

this is something from last march. it was in my livejournal archives but im thinking about deleting the lj all together so i thought id salvage some of my original worse than bad poetry. hahaha.

It takes more than "I love you"
to mend these broken fences.
It takes more than flowers
to reestablish my trust.
It takes more than "I'm sorry"
to make me believe you
It takes more than your best
to overcome your worst.
It takes more than a lifetime
to make up for the pain.
It takes more than empty promises
to prove that you've changed.
It takes more than a phone call
to make your mark on my heart.
It takes more than consistency
to gain my willingness to start.
It takes more than trial and error
to understand my imperfections.
It takes more than flattery
to earn my compassion.
It takes more than jealousy
to convince me you're faithful.
It takes more than your tears
to tell me you'll remain so.
It takes more than "I love you"
to mend these broken fences.
It takes more than flowers
to reestablish my trust.

"you were right about the stars, each one is a setting sun."
wilco

recovering from any addiction is hard; be it mental, physical or emotional. most of the time it doesn't even seem like going through the recovery is worth all the suffering. every second of every day is spent thinking about the potential benefits of relapsing into the addiction. after a while, delusion sets in and it becomes impossible to remember any of the negative aspects of the addiction or why you chose to give it up in the first place. you remind yourself, your friends remind you and your therapist reminds you how low the lows were and how bad it sometimes got but you cannot be convinced.

I understand all this. i know i have an addictive personality. at least, an emotionally addictive personality. i depend on other people to fill voids in my life that i don't know how to fill on my own. im unhealthy. i cant move on. i can't let go. i want to. i need to. how do you let go of 4 years? i guess its all about baby steps. and the first baby step i have taken was buying "Codependent No More" at barnes and noble today. theres nothing like self help. and when that doesnt work theres nothing like courtney, movies and comfort food.

"They'll never hurt you like i do."
somethingcorporate

since im talking about all the tragedy in my life, i feel compelled to bring up ronny. lately i cant stop thinking about him and i dont think ill ever stop feeling responsible. at the funeral, his sister said that suicide is usually considered the most selfish thing a person can do, but she insisted that in ronnys case it was the most self-less thing he ever did. i didn't understand it then and 7 months later i still dont. because i still hurt and im still not okay and i know i can say the same for at least 10 other people and how is that fair? im not mad anymore. i just feel worthless. why werent we enough? why wasnt this enough? that sounds so cliche. i'm just so tired of feeling empty. i had so many plans that ended so abruptly.

dealing with the suicide of a close friend has made me hate myself for the my attempts and constant contemplation. i know now its something i'll never do. this may seem like an obvious statement to a lot of people and a little stupid too but its actually somewhat of a revelation for me. this post is kind of intense. but i think i am kind of intense even when most people see me as a static one-sided character. thats my fault. someday i'll stop hiding behind my humor, but not any day soon.

"you say that love goes anywhere. in your darkest time, its just enough to know its there."
jimmyeatworld

"one of these days its gonna catch up to you
throwing looks like those around
and one of these nights i promise to you
ill soon be sleeping sound
as soon as i leave town."
alkalinetrio

i hate all my clothes.

"I've gotta find this road, its like Bob's road."

beatnik cunt?

I'm crazy on this ship of fools. I miss having a boat. and swimming in the marina and poking all the dead carp with sticks.

I'm sick of my doughy physique.

"If you let me have my way, I swear I'll tear you apart.
Cause it's all you can be.
You're a drunk and you're scared."
brandnew

Ohhhh Timon and and Pumba are my favorite dogs!

i want all you can eat pancakes.

I want to go running around Schaumburg and more specifically the Timbercrest subdivision. REPRESENT!

i also think i want a bike.

"The things that I can't say are all thinking me insane these days. I know it's late."
jetstobrazil

"So let's get to the point, let's roll another joint."

i want an oatmeal cream pie! resist resist resist.

and study.

Courtney- "Who is this weird Asian guy staring at me?"
Audrey- "Court, thats Amelia Earhart."

I'm not really excited about basketball next semester.

i can be an asshole of the grandest kind
I can withhold like it's going out of style
I can be the moodiest baby,
and you've never met anyone as as,
negative as i am sometimes
i am the wisest woman you've ever met
i am the kindest soul with whom you've connected
i have the bravest heart that you've
ever seen and you've never met anyone
Who is as positive as I am sometimes

If i had enough self-control, i would have an eating disorder.

A.D.I.D.A.C.

All.Day.I.Dream.About.Carbs.

If we had the Home Alone house, Schaumburg would absolutely, hands down be the best suburb in America.

court will back me on that.

"This is Hot Water Music, put ya Ramen into it."
GymClassHeroes

It is just ALL too familiar.

when your ex boyfriend starts to like your best friend, you really get to thinking about the other best friend you fucked over 5 years ago when this all started. and really you just have to hope that your current best friend is a better friend than you were then.

and then since youre already on the subject of exbest friends you start to inevitably think about sarah. and you miss her and wish she liked you as a person and was willing to deal with you again.

of course you then think about the neverending list of exbest friends starting with tricia, nicole, jessica, dominique, bianca, jeanae, ali (who you are slowly reclaiming), lauren, susan, and even (at one extremely dismal and low point in life) courtney. but there's really no point in dwelling because seriously what can you do?

i miss Queen Mab, 504 Plan, 56 Texas, All Looked Up (Ender), and August Premier.

its not all about fall out boy!!!! bring back the Jodie!!! haha. i love the Carter Joe Alex Demo. and when Court and Joe get married i am insisting on playing some 56 texas at the reception... "walk a little bit faster"

dude 6 piece chicken nuggets are on the dolla menu for January and i need to get on that. mcdonalds is slowly leading me to heart failure and i'm so okay with that.

Also i wish i didnt care about celebrity gossip but i do i do i really do.

and i miss courtney!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! get me to winona.

"I just kind of died for you and
You just kind of stared at me
We will always have that chance
We can do this one more time"

foofighters

and the no seatbelt song always reminds me of everything.

"If I've been cold, if I've spoken in anger
To have been bold
Forgive me
You know I don't see your mother
Not like before
Though she hasn't forgotten
She doesn't like to be reminded anymore
Annie got married
It didn't come without tears
Like the day you died
I had laughter for these years."

thirdeyeblind

"Oh you're a clever boy.
Don't live forever boy."

Long napless days lead to long sleep-filled nights. I am so sick of chicken. No more chicken. Maybe ill try to watch the pirates sequal again. I just can't stand whats-her-name. Kiera Knightly. She just seems like such a bitch in real life.

Its snowing. Court said blizzard. It would be pretty sweet to have one im not going to lie. I mean if its going to be below zero, there might as well be something to show for it. take away some of this drearyness... dreariness? whatever. FYI the 2007 Airedale calender is pretty amazingly cute. i think i need to submit a picture of Axle. hes a perfect representation of the breed. i miss him terribly.

quit the excessive drinking and smoking.

"If I could bottle my hopes in a store bought scent
They'd be nutmeg peach and they'd pay the rent."

"i don't want to call you, but then i want to call you. and i don't want to crush you but i feel like crushing you. and its true i took for granted you were with me."
thirdeyeblind

ugh im depressed.


and mike giovenco seriously needs to visit me.

i can't stop thinking about you (steve) even though you probably don't read this and if you do its with a huge chip on your shoulder and a bitter and critical heart. but just so you know, it was never my plan to hurt you or end things at all. i wanted so desperately for everything to work every time. but 4 years later the same conflicts never seemed to be resolved. and i'm sorry.

"You've been my golden best friend
And now with post-demise at hand
I can't go to you for consolation
Cuz we're off limits during this transition

This grief overwhelms me
It burns in my stomach
And I can't stop bumping into things

I thought we'd be simple together
I thought we'd be happy together
thought we'd be limitless together
I thought we'd be precious together
But I was sadly mistaken

You've been my soulmate and then some
I remembered you the moment I met you
With you I knew God's face was handsome
With you I saw fun and expansion
This loss is numbing me it pierces my chest
And I can't stop dropping everything

I thought we'd be sexy together
thought we'd be evolving together
I thought we'd have children together
I thought we'd be family together
But I was sadly mistaken

If I had a bill for all the philosophies I shared
If I had a penny for all the possibilities I presented
If I had a dime for every hand thrown up in the air
My wealth would render this no less severe

I thought we'd be genius together
I thought we'd be healing together
I thought we'd be growing together
thought we'd be adventurous together
But I was sadly mistaken

thought we'd be exploring together
thought we'd be inspired together
I thought we'd be flying together
thought we'd be on fire together
but I was sadly mistaken"

alanis- simple together

its 6 degrees out but it feels like -9. who loves the midwest!

I miss Ronny and I don't think its going to stop.

I hate when Minnesota Wild games take over the programming of the normal friends/friends/scrubs/scrubs 2 hour block. especially since i can never get those episodes back! and i missed the first 10 minutes of the new Grey's Anatomy tonight since i was at the chem help.

"I won't be that stray coming back just to be fed."

brand new

"Sleeping is my 9 to 5"

literally.

I kind of wish i had more of a life. I have a soccer game tonight. that should be interesting since im still really sore from the first one. Vagina monologues first rehersal went well. im glad to be acting again and now i understand that i'm doing it for a cause, and an important one at that.

sexual assault is ridiculous and too common. people who think the Vagina Monologues are just a bunch of crude feminists are extremely misinformed.

i'm not going to go all womyn and riot grrrrl and what not. i just think people need to know.

people also need to know that i'm in the mood for Garden State and plan on watching it tonight after the game.

"I used to know the name of every person I kissed."

vince
chris
harrison
dave
jimmy*
greg
mike
carter
steve
ronny <3
ryan

"So touch me or don’t.
Just let me know,
Where you’ve been."

some Brand New

*thanks ali haha

i read courtneys most recent post earlier today and it made me want to watch say anything. so i am. even though its midnight and i have class at 8AM. i dont think it matters since i slept almost the entire day.

why do people at airline companies make it impossible for me to see my friends? i made lily's bed already and now she's not coming. how sad!

i love boston. its where i was destined to end up. i'm excited for grad school. i know i want to be in boston, or new york, or LA or some big city. hopefully boston though really. i love the Anas, and Boca, and CHOWDA.

ive been thinking about steve all day. i don't know how to stop. i feel like im Corey Flood from Say Anything and there is nothing i can do to get out of this twisted cycle except hope that steve has moved on and will never take me back because thats the only way ill ever separate myself from him. but just the thought of that makes me want to die a little.

"so im single now. everything's changed. i hate it."

i am so predictable...

...i miss steve.

as i sit on my bed/at my computer watching Hitch by myself while eating a mini bag of 100 calorie popcorn and researching grad schools, i think to myself "wow college is awesome"

i think yeah maybe a part of me would like a relationship but more than anything else i just want some attention. someone to like me and want to hang out with me, go see a movie, go out to dinner.

i desperately want to like being single and enjoy not having a significant other. i want to drink without the main goal of getting completely wasted and forgetting about my pathetic and useless lovelife.

"you're not sick, you're single."

well i feel sick. but i'm determined to be okay with being single. and hopefully i will be okay with it soon. because quite frankly im tired of not being okay with it.

maybe im just a late bloomer.

I am participating in Intermural Soccer.

I also auditioned for The Vagina Monologues.

And I bought my ticket for Argentina.


IM A NEW WOMAN!

1. When was the last time you shaved your legs? like a week ago to me. i kind of let myself go in the winter

2. What were you doing this morning at 8am? in class baby

3. What were you doing 15 minutes ago? walking back from the gym

4. Are you any good at math? worse that awful

6. Do you have any famous ancestors? there's a park named after my great grandpa in miami, arizona!

7. Are you mad at anyone right now? nah im over it.

8. do you know the words to your profile song? i hate profile songs

9. Last thing received in the mail? uhhh to me the church newsletter. SWEET.

10. How many different drinks have you had today? a fresca and a dr pepper

12. Do you ever leave messages on people's answering machine? yes. very long and and important ones.

13. Who did you lose your CONCERT virginity to? blink 182

14. Do you draw your name in the sand when you go to the beach? definitely

15. What's the most painful dental procedure you've had? wisdom

16. What is out your back door? a big willow tree.

17. Do you have plans on Friday night? no. maybe drive home?

18. Do you like the ocean? love it

19. Have you ever received one of those big tins of 3 different kinds of popcorn for Christmas? no but ive always wanted one.

20. Have you ever been to a planetarium? yeah E and i went this summer

22. Something you are excited about? interim break.

24. Are any of your great-grandparents still alive? nope

25. Describe your love life. i guess im doing like "casual dating" and hating every minute of it

26. Where do you keep your change? in the bottom of my purse

27. When was the last time you spoke in front of a large group of people? eh for some presentation first semest.

28. Do you have a lot of winter coats? like 5 or 6

29. What was the weather like on your Birthday? i don't know. probably snowy.

30. Do you sleep with the door to your room open or closed? open

Is your hair up? for sure

Is your phone right beside you? no its on my bed

Do you have a bf/ gf? no

Do you wish you were somewhere else? definitely. almost anywhere. except like russian tundra.

Do you have plans for tonight? audition for vagina monologues

Are you wearing makeup? def not

Are you wearing chapstick? unfortunately no

Are you cold? noo

Are you tired? always

Are you excited? no

Are you watching t.v.? no. there isnt anything on the 4 channels we get.

Are you wearing pajamas? no

Who's the last person you IMed? Gio

Who's the last person that called you? Cyndi

PAST

Anything you regret? ugh yes

Ever lied? definitely

Ever stuck gum under a desk? yeah but i hate it

Ever spit at someone? i dont think so. maybe jeanae in like 7th grade

Ever kick something living? not like a dog or anything.

Ever had your nails done? yes

Ever thrown up because you cried so hard? don't think so

REVEAL A LITTLE ABOUT YOURSELF:

LAST WEEK

Had any plans last week? surprisingly yes

Who did you see most last week? courtney

Was last week interesting? to say the least yes

TODAY

Have you cussed? no! yay!

Have you yelled at someone? no. i dont really come in contact with people.

Have you gotten mad at someone? nah

Have you called more than 3 people? no way

Have you IMed more than 3 people? nope

Have you eaten anything gross? eh the south beach diet bar wasnt the greatest.

SPILL YOUR GUTS

Q. First thing you did this morning? turned off my alarm and put in my contacts

Q. Last thing you ate? a dove chocolate

Q. What's something you look forward to most in the next 6 weeks? interim break!

Q. What's annoying you right now? my lame class

Q. What's the last movie you saw? Night at the Museum

Q. Do you believe in long distance relationships? i believe in their existence, i dont know if im ready for one.

Q Where is the last place you went? the gym

Q: Who is the last person you called? ryan

Q: Do you think that someone is thinking about you right now? probably not

Q: Choose one to have (love, beauty, creativity): love

Q: Do you wish on stars? not really

Q: Does it work? definitely not

Q: Do you untie your shoes every time you take them off? no, in fact i dont even know if i remember how to tie shoes.

Q: When did you last cry? new years day.

Q: Do you like your handwriting? not lately.

Q: Are you a friendly person? sometimes but its usually fake.

Q: Are you keeping a secret from the world? haha no

Q: Who's bed did you sleep in last night? mine

Q: What color shirt are you wearing? used to be white, now kind of just dinge color

Q: Do you have any pets? baby ix who i miss and some fish

Q: What is the color of your bedsheets? orange tie dye

Q: What were you doing at 9 last night? watching TV

Q: last person you talked to: court

Q: When is the last time you saw your dad? 2 days ago

Q: Look to your left: bag of dove chocolate and stolaf course catalog and birth control

Q: Ever cried yourself to sleep? yes

Q: Ever cried on your friends shoulder? yes

Q: Are you a normally happy person? id have to go with no.

Q: Is your self-esteem low or high? llooowww

Q: What color are your eyes? blue

Q: Long or Short Hair: long fo real

Q: Current Music? early november- 1000 times a day.

my name is audrey and im a binge eater.

i dont know if this is a problem, but it feels like one.

Its been a long december, but there's reason to believe that maybe this year will be better than the last.

its all a lot of oysters but no pearl.


i think i need to change my major.

Happy 7 Year Anniversary, Chris!

I understand absolutely nothing in my chem class. It should be an interesting month. Now i plan to nap all day and maybe go work out. sweet life.

"I'm the one for you cause I know all the dirty things you like to do
I'm the fear in your eyes
I'm the fire in your thighs
I'm the sound that's buzzing around your head."
-third eye blind

the early november- 1000 times a day

pretty great.

I would rather clean out 30 dog cages full of shit than clean out 1 more fridge covered in mold.

my new bodywash smells like raw fish. and i already threw away the old stuff.

i already have a rather large chem assignment for tomorrow.

and i'm a small mouth bass.

can life get better? i submit that it CANNOT!

I dont know how much clearer i can be: i don't give a shit about recycling. GET OVER IT!

also- i hate st. olaf.

also- last week courtney and i threw garbage out the car window!

HAHAHAH! SEE YOU IN HELL ENVIRONMENTAL WARRIOR WOMAN!

It really sucks when you think someone feels a certain way about you and you start to feel confident and happy and then it all just gets shot to hell because its relaly not like that at all.

"It is thus, if there is any rule, that we ought to die--neither as victim nor as fanatic, but as the seafarer who can greet with an equal eye the deep that he is entering, and the shore that he must leave."
E.M. Forster

i'm depressed. i just wish people would tell me how they feel for once.

staying here tonight and waiting to go back to school in the morning was pointless.

what a mistake.

ugh

happy new year

and i am a binge drinker

i also fell on my amp and have a huge bruise on my leg. and bruises and cuts everywhere else. i am a mess.

i need to learn portion control