If there's one thing that depresses me more than anything else, its getting ditched, or completely blown off. Its just so useless. If someone doesn't want to hangout, why cant they just flat out tell me instead of all this maybe this maybe that bullshit. Im not going to cry over it. I just dont understand why people do all the maybe this bullshit and then it obviously (and always) ends up being no. I'm listening to bright eyes and feeling sorry for myself and this is the only place i can really vent because i know no one actually reads it. if i say shit on my stupid livejournal i know people won't get it or wont empathize.


Its hard for me to know exactly what i'm feeling right now. I think the christmas spirit is fucking with my heart. Actually, i know it is. I was all good to go until today and for some reason i've just felt depressed since 5 pm. i'm confused. "if you love something give it away."




So what am i thinking? im thinking im never going to find the right person. because with the right person, i dont fight, i dont argue, i dont get annoyed, i dont get annoying, i dont get worried, and i can trust. these things havent all come in the same package yet. Maybe that doesn't really exist. Of course i've been thinking about harrison since i found these old pictures. i dont think theres ever a point to thinking about him. theres never a question that needs an answer or a problem that needs to be solved. then i think about steve and the track ive dug in my mind from running in circles.




I've come to accept that it just never really works out the way you want it to. Even if you don't think you like someone that much, it still hurts to be unwanted. whatever im not even trying to feel sorry for myself. im just reflecting on why shit bothers me the way it does. not like i really need an excuse or explanation for myself. tomorrow i just want to go downtown with courtney and forget about getting ditched and forget about the feelings i try to make myself feel or try to deny i do actually feel. i want to forget about going to school and and everything standing in my way. i don't want to think about the rest of my life being worse than my life so far. i dont want to think about the fact that i go through friends like water. i just want to forget that i can't buy my friends with christmas presents and more gifts wont make them stay. i dont want to feel vulnerable or depressed or dependent. i want to appreciate everything i experience so why is it so hard for me to do that? why cant i? i dont think i'll ever be done wondering why its so hard for me to be happy.




Maybe we like the pain. Maybe we're wired that way. Because without it, I don't know; maybe we just wouldn't feel real. What's that saying? Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop.