the more i learn, the less i know

i've learned a lot of things the hard way. what is the hard way? well, in my opinion, its doing your own thing despite objections, and then failing at it completely. I've fallen on my face with just about every significant endeavor i've taken on. Sometimes it takes me years to figure anything out. these are the some of the things i've "learned the hard way":

1. Not working hard enough in high school and getting rejected by my dream school(s)

2. Hating the school I chose and transferring away from Syracuse instead of to St. Olaf

3. Choosing a new school that is incredibly difficult and exhausting, thereby sacraficing any chance of good grades

4. Thinking i could be pre-vet and attempting a bio major while tanking my GPA in the process

5. Surrendering and becoming an English major, too late to save my GPA though

6. Working harder than i ever have during my junior and senior year in order to bring up my god forsaken GPA

7. Being too lazy to get a job or internship over the summer(s) and ending up with a completely blank resume and no experience in anything

8. Thinking i wanted to be a lawyer and wasting a lot of my parents' money on an LSAT prep class that didn't even really help

9a. Waiting until the second semester of my senior year to figure i want to go into nursing and therefore planning on getting a second bachelor's degree.

9b. Waiting until the second semester of my senior year to figure out i want to go into nursing and therefore aquiring at least $30k in debt in order to pay for the next 2 years.

9c. Waiting until the second semester of my senior year to figure out i want to go until nursing 2 weeks after applications were due for fall of 09 and realizing i have to wait an entire year to go.

10. Worrying about everything in my life and therefore losing my mind


I know a lot of these are about grades and bullshit. Grades are almost everything at st. olaf and don't let anyone tell you differently. I came to this school with the attitude that grades weren't as important as everyone made them out to be. That attitude doesn't work here. St. olaf has made me neurotic about grades and neurotic about everything in general. I've been consumed by the bullshit. I'm hoping someday to get back to where i was when i had my own ideas about what was important in the education system and what wasn't. Im trying to unlearn what this school has taught me about how to live my life. Someday i will get to where i am going. I doubt it will be anytime soon. i've made a thousand mistakes to get to where i am. I don't feel like i am any more sure of my identity than i was in high school. In fact, i'm probably less sure of who i am now than i have ever been.
I can, however, thank st. olaf for making me work harder and longer than i ever have in my life and hopefully making me more prepared for my future of more school.

so theres that. i guess i have that.

motorcyle drive by

my life is a mess without you in it to keep me grounded.

please.don't.be.done.

So hello where are we today
Still fighting, still running in place
And now the outline of this lake
Seems to be pointing me away
Honestly, I've never lied more
To myself all over the floor
Right through my teeth I've showed you
Just how weak my knees can get

Don't let go
my spine is slipping like a fault line
If I go, I'll bury us all
Don't close my door
don't leave me out with these mosquitoes
Trying to drink up all my wine

Do you wanna know what my love is?
Do you wanna hear how my song goes?
Do you wanna know what my love is?
Don't say no
Don't say no

So now it's up to me to wait
I need you to reciprocate
My heart is ticking like a box
Sent to me by anonymous
And now I'm scared to open it
I'm always blowing up to bits
I'm always running out of lives
Running out of time

Don't let me go, I'd fall apart
Don't say you won't follow my heart
I've kept this deep inside for far too long... it can't be wrong
Only one life to give, I cross my heart and hope to live
With you my darling here for evermore.

alkalinetrio

sit back and relax, enjoy the crash

Can anybody hear me? Is anyone out there?
I've fallen and I'm broken down, I'm dying over here
If anybody's listening, I hope you hear my cries
My will to live is wearing thin, I'm running out of time

i feel like my life is collapsing on itself all the time. i plan on not using my degree. i am trying to figure out what im doing with the rest of my life and i have no idea. i've never really had any idea. its true my ideas change weekly/monthly. there is nothing about me that is more consistent than my inconsistency. my friends are like a real life portrayal of mean girls. i just don't know how to handle everything falling apart. i'm quickly slipping back into the person i never wanted to be again.
i want to move away from chicago. i want to go somewhere where no one knows me. i want to start over. i want to run away from everything. my cowardice and inability to own up to my own decisions is killing me. i can't wait to leave minnesota. i need to learn how to be myself.
i'm glad my classes are bullshit this semester. im too exhausted to keep doing this work. i've done nothing but work so hard for mediocre grades for 3 years. even the easy classes require more hours of reading than there are available in a day.

just read your blog

its like we were never even friends.

in retrospect this is all very weird. i mean im glad youre over it and moved on though. i thought, as far as friends go, that i was a relatively good one. i guess i lied in the last post saying that was the only thing i was going to write about this.

im bitter. and i would never deny that.

oh well. i really can't wait to go back to school! i no longer have any desire to celebrate my birthday in minnesota so i guess its convenient that i bought a plane ticket during my first week in europe.

anyway im done now. good luck with future endeavors...

"im glad i have people i call friends"

insert famous oscar wilde quote

when things seem uncomplicated, they never are.

i don't really know how i feel. i guess i'm not mad. i guess i don't feel betrayed. but i do feel different. i guess its just a shock. i know friendships change all the time. its just weird when you have one best friend. just one. not 3 to choose from or fall back on when something goes wrong on one end. when you have only one and that friendship changes, and you can't look at it the same again, your whole life seems different.

i guess when you have 1 instead of 3, the one is really important. i can't imagine how easy it would be to deal with one altered frienship when you have 2 others that are perfectly intact. its probably not even very noticible.

and that is all im going to say about this bullshit that makes summer after senior year seem like yesterday. i guess it only makes sense really. i wrote a lot about this when basically the same thing happened with keiko so repeating all this for a different person would be redundant and its not worth the energy.

i guess i'm more upset than i thought. but i really only feel sad when i think about it a lot. so i'm trying to just not do that.