my stomach hurts.

i want to see the movie Dreamland.

sundance
sundance
sundance

and kind of Running with Scissors too even though courtney said the book was bad.

Now i'm going to watch Half Nelson.
i kind of love that ryan gosling and rachel mcadams have been dating since The Notebook.

"I miss you most on wednesdays and saturdays."
dashboardconfessional

"tell me this love hasn't changed me, hasn't changed me at all."
teganandsara

so today my parking permit got revoked for the rest of the year from the incident when it got stuck in the snow this weekend.
stolaf is so stupid.
and my diet coke tastes really funky.
i have a problem with not doing my work.
i can feel myself putting on my spring weight.
my stomach hurts from the amazing tuna sandwhich i just ate.
i used to drink a lot of water until i lost my nalgene this weekend.
i'm kind of a feminist and i'm not upset about it.


"you know I can't apologize
for everything I know
I mean you don't have to agree with me
but once you get me going
you better just let me go
we have to be able to criticize
what we love
say what we have to say
cause if you're not trying to make something better
as far as I can tell
you're just in the way."
anidifranco

so its funny to me that all the central illinois schools got a snow day last week for 10-12 inches. because we have 16+ inches currently and its still snowing and no one would even consider cancelling class.

"Newby is my drunk baby."
scrubs

i miss this.

avril speaks to my heart these days.

"why you gotta go and make things so complicated? i see the way you're acting like you're somebody else and it gets me frustrated."

the vagina monologues were amazing. the weather was not. we have like a foot of snow. i feel like im going to throw up but im hungry.

emily katie sally and everyone else are great.

im never drinking again.

ps. gio, thanks for the fantastically drunk dial. hahahahahahaha

my parents arent coming to see the show anymore and its sad. but tonights performance was great and i hope tomorrows goes just as well.

i'm going abroad senior year to cairo.

im excited.

i love saul williams. i love regina spektor. sometimes i really wish i could write poetry. or something like it. because i would use it to talk about my busy days, and being a girl, and how making jokes gets old. and how getting 12 inches of snow this weekend will be interesting.


I'm tired of the therapy
I'm tired of the
dog
chase
cat
chase
mouse
chase
whatever.
fuck this. the chase.
and my mom's still amazed that i look like her
that this stranger in her house looks just like her
and my dad doesn't get why i act like him
why i bitch, scream, cry, whine, and attack like him
why i take shit eat shit from assholes just like him
and i'm enough like one to be recognized
but too much like the other to identify
fuck it.
and neither of them understand why my brother is quiet
why i'm so fucking loud and my brother is silent
theyre both just glad he's not rebellious like i was
the 8th grade rebel with absolutely no cause
because they give us everything we want but were so ungrateful
they work constantly to feed and clothe us but were so ungrateful
theyre too busy to listen and its all for us
and we're still just so ungrateful
fuck you.
realize
real eyes
real lies
where is that from
i look like my mother but can't go much deeper
because she doesnt
i abuse like my father and can't let it go
because he wont
but i'll take responsibility for my choices when you do.
i'll show you mine if you show me yours
now where have i heard that before
oh if only you knew.
but now everything is perfect as far as they can tell
perfect daughter
turned rebel
turned actor
turned scholar
turned whatever.
oh if only you knew
exactly how much you've missed of my childhood hell

and it doesn't matter what i say at this point. you're so far away. and i'm farther from you everyday. and i'm sorry i didnt call you when my grandma died. and i'm sorry i've done nothing but push you away since i was 16. i'll never be as perfect as you want me to be. but i'm just so tired of setting expectations that exceed all reality.

"after all I'm still a jerk playing with matches
it's just that he's not around to play along
I'm still an asshole playing with candles
Blowing out wishes blowing out dreams
Just sitting here and trying to decipher
what's written in Braille upon my skin."
-reginaspektor

Today when i got out of the shower my towel kind of smelled like cat piss. it was gross. it made me thankful to not be working at the shelter anymore.

i'm really tired lately. there are a lot of things from urban outfitters that i want. i wish my spring break was in 2 weeks.

i'm excited to go to argentina. people are skateboarding outside my dorm right now and its loud. i feel so busy lately. i'm scared about my monologue. but i'm more tired than anything else.

id like to nap but i have so much reading. oh well.

miss you.

fatally yours describes my life almost perfectly right now. also courtney thinks my major is pointless. and she's pretty much right. the liberal arts education in general is kind of pointless. oh well. i'm glad i havent done anything to catch up on the weeks of homework i have.I think the vagina monologues will be good. i think people will like it.

There's no mystery no more, just no talking to you
Guess you had other things in store
Guess I felt I was through
I answered every question as accurately as I could

I don't hear from you no more, but I get the message
You crashed your car through my front door,
I pulled you from the wreckage
You told me that you missed me
But you meant with the grill and hood
you'd kill me if you could

And if it's okay, I'll just grab my shit and leave
I won't say one word, I'll keep my tricks up my sleeve
Flew off of the handle, you opened fire on me
Put me down, put me out of misery
I'm fatally yours

You set fire to me that night,
you lit and left me burning
Out of my mind, but in my sights,
I saw the tables turning
I had a friend that needed me
You made a wish that won't come true,
and now it's killing two

And if it's okay, I'll just grab my shit and leave
I won't say one word, I'll keep my tricks up my sleeve
Flew off of the handle, you opened fire on me
Put me down, put me out of misery
I'm fatally yours

alkalinetrio

I'm not. sweet relief.

Today I officially declared as an English major. I have this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. Am I making the right decisions in any part of my life? I'm sinking.

"if i kissed you where its sore,
would you feel better?
would you feel anything at all?"
ReginaSpektor

"No, this is how it works
You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took
And then you take that love you made
And stick it into someone else's heart
Pumping someone else's blood
And walking arm in arm
You hope it don't get harmed
But even if it does
You'll just do it all again."
reginaspektor

If things don't start getting better in my life, i might consider becoming a drug addict. Lately everything has kind of been.... awful. oh well. life is kind of bad.

"my tears seep through the crack under my door.
well i am locked in. shut down.
im so tired of picking myself up off the ground.
so happy valentine's day."

no roses now.

i just get so tired of everything. i don't really know what the point is anymore. i'm not happy and i can't keep pretending i am. when i need to be rescued no one is there to do the rescuing.


"i know i know i know you're still my love. the same as i love you, you'll always love me too. this love isnt good unless its me and you."
teganandsara

"Two to one
Static to the sound of
You and I undone
For the last time
And there this was
Hiding at the bottom
Of your swimming pool
Some September
Don't you think
I wish that I could stay?
Your lips give you away."
jacksmannequin

when i hear certain songs, i find it more difficult to live through the day. and its going to be impossible for me to get through this spring knowing our routine has finally ended and you wont be there waiting for me in the summer. i say "this is the last time" but then i always want just one more chance. and a part of me hopes its never the last time. i'm so selfish for that.

when you're depressed about your mom not having any idea who you are as a person, nothing else really seems to make sense or even matter.

i'm materialistic, spoiled, and selfish.

what more is there to know?

i guess a necklace from Tiffany is the perfect gift after all.


i dont think the nightmare ever stops. i miss steve more than ever tonight.

I'm young and i love to be young. I'm free and i love to be free.

I'm about to be ballin in the morning.

I love my future homes in Brookline.

Now that i have completely realized my incompetence when it comes to all things related to math and science, or more generally, all things period, i will post a quote by chuck klosterman about probability. courtney just sent this to me. i hate probability and i do not understand anything. my life is slowly unraveling in front of my eyes. in 2 days i will be 20. valentines day will be here. i will be alone. these are the facts.

"Life is chock-full of lies, but the biggest lie is math. Thats particulary clear in the discipline of probability, a field of study thats completely and wholly fake. When push comes to shove--when you truly get down to the core essence of existence--THERE IS ONLY ONE MATHEMATICAL POSSIBILITY: EVERYTHING IS 50-50. EITHER SOMETHING WILL HAPPEN OR SOMETHING WILL NOT. When you flip a coin, what are the odds of it coming up heads? 50-50. Either it will be heads or it will not. When you roll a six sided die, what are the odds that youll roll a three? 50-50. you'll either get a three or you wont. Thats reality. Dont fall into the childish "its one in six" logic crap. That is precisely what all your adolescent authority figures want you to believe. Thats how they enslave you. Thats how they stole your conviction, and thats why you will never be happy. Either you wil roll a three, or you will not; there are no other alternatives. The future has no memory. Certain things can be impossible and certain things can be guaranteed--but there is no sliding scale for maybe. Maybe something happen or maybe it wont. Thats all there is. What are the chances that your sister will die from ovarian cancer next summer? 50-50 (either shell die from ovarian cancer or she wont). What are the chances that your sister will become America's most respected underwater welding specialist? 50-50. It will happen or it wont.There are two possibilities and both are plausible and unknown. The odds are 2:1. These facts are irrefutable. Quasi-intellectuals like to claim that math is spiritual. They are lying. Math is not religion. Math is the anti-religion, because it splinters the gravity of life's only imperative equation: Either something is true, or is isn't. Do or do not; there is no try."

Forgive, sounds good.
Forget, I'm not sure I could.
They say time heals everything,
But I'm still waiting

I'm through, with doubt,
There's nothing left for me to figure out,
I've paid a price, and i'll keep paying
I'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down,
I'm still mad as hell
And I don't have time
To go round and round and round

It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is
You think I shouldI know you said
Why can't you just get over it,
It turned my whole world around
and i kind of like it

I made by bed, and I sleep like a baby,
With no regrets and I don't mind saying,
It's a sad sad story
That a mother will teach her daughter
that she ought to hate a perfect stranger.

And how in the world
Can the words that I said
Send somebody so over the edge
That they'd write me a letter
Saying that I better shut up and sing
Or my life will be over

I'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down,
I'm still mad as hell
And I don't have time
To go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is
You think I should.

dixiechicks

will you just let me visit you already! ill even settle for you just returning my calls.

we'll be okay. we both got what we want. i got sex, you got fame.


miss you stephen. every day of my life.

the only thing i'll ever ask of you: you gotta promise not to stop when i say when.

you rip my heart right out
you rip my heart right out
i'd throw away everything i've written you. oh anything just keep my mind from thinking how i've had you once, oh i cant forget that. sometimes i wish i could lose you again.

I guess i am getting depressed again afterall.

I know what i'm going to name my kids. Hopefully they are all girls because i cant really think of any boys names that i really like... so im going to have 3 girls...

Charlotte
Cameron
Reese

and the more impending future is naming my future cat... these are the names i like..

Bronte
Caliope
Beatrix
Sophie
Thea
Hero
Olivia
Alma

Again, more girls. I miss my baby boy puppy. I am not excited for basketball tomorrow. Cuba Gooding Jr. is pretty funny but not as funny as Hugh Grant. Valentines day is getting closer and i love sending flowers and cards. My birthday is in less than a week and i didnt realize it was so close until about an hour ago.

basketball is hard.

if anyone has a car that they would like to give courtney for school next year that would be great, thanks. weekly rides from winona to northfield would work too.

im going to bed at 10:30 tonight and it feels so good. it has this comfort of high school without the annoyance of waking up before 9:30. tomorrow is my first day of Basketball in gym. it should be interesting. my ear is gross. i think calc is going to be okay. i actually like all my professors this semester. no complaints yet.

except apartment hunting in northfield minnesota is a bitch and actually kind of gross.

"when i look around i think this is good enough. and i try to laugh at whatever life brings. because when i look down i just miss all the good stuff. and when i look up i just trip over things."
anidifranco

im dead tired and sad about the bears. still determined to go to BU though, maybe even more so than before.

ugh i have another ear infection. and this is my 1,001st post. exciting.

Boston is hands down the best city on earth.

this week i read the new book by mitch albom called For One More Day. I also read The Things They Carried by Tim O'brien. both were really good.

The bears will win the superbowl.

and i will go to boston university.

and we are destined to be lovers.


I love courtney cosgriff and lily lotfy

i keep having this memory flashback to one morning in the summer of 2003 when, for one reason or another, steve didnt have a car and i had to pick him up from the golf course (hilldale of course) at like 9:30 in the morning. I had just woken up and was wearing grey soffe shorts with a white cami (my pajamas) and black old navy flip flops. then we went to mcdonalds and got breakfast and brought it back to steves house. i had pancakes. this was about the same time that he had the body fat percentage measuring thing and i remember being so grossed out that his was like 7%.

its weird because that house no longer exists.

if my house ever sold as a tear-down i think i would cry for days.