thanks for the memories.

I never imagined not inheriting the cabin. I guess I should have had a better imagination.

I don't do this often enough

The point is, you get up in the morning at the beginning of the quarter (every quarter) and you can't imagine going to all the lectures and learning all things you need to know the pass the midterm and the final.You really can't imagine even surviving (dramatization) to the final. Then, all of a sudden, there you are- the week before the final. It crept up slowly and then quickly and your mind and body are still intact (for the most part) and your spirit is no worse for wear (haha). It is those moments when you think, I can do this. I can be a doctor (of animals), I can fix everything I need to fix. It is in those small moments when you even think "I can specialize. I can do an internship and residency. I can become a radiologist."

These small glimpses of hope in the doom and gloom forecast of veterinary school make me really grateful for the amazing support system I have. Even though Matt isn't legally my spouse, I really see no difference. From where I stand everyday, I have a great "husband" who cares immensely about me and my future and the goals I have for myself, and no legal doctrine would make this more true.

I know that no matter what I choose to do, I will be supported. I know that my internship year will be awful (if I do an internship) but I will be loved all the same. I know that I will get drunk at bars and be too hungover to get out of bed and he will still respect me. I could fail a thousand times (and probably will) in practice and he will still believe in me. I could be sick or healthy, in formal wear or sweatpants, ordering a pizza or preparing boeuf bourguignon, and he will appreciate me.

 At the end of the day, the water is just too choppy to handle it alone and you need to appreciate your lighthouse.

at the end?

As I packed my car, I kept seeing cars drive by. As they did, I hoped one would stop and be you. That never happened.

We all want so desperately to believe in a happy ending. Have we pushed each other too far?

Under [partial] Pressure

I really don't hate chemistry. I even got an A in Gen Chem the second time I took it. But when I am looking at a lecture now, and I see anything about partial pressures, my eyes immediately glaze over. This has made respiratory physiology/pathology, and recently blood gas analysis excruciatingly painful to get through. Just now, I was powering through clin path and I got to the blood gas analysis section and had to immediately stop and write this post. There was no alternative. Now I am thinking about switching to urinary systems path to avoid it all together. THAT is how much I dread the idea of partial pressures. They aren't even that complicated but I refuse. I would rather stay angry at them and befuddled by them. So I'm obviously an incredibly rational person.

I'm just waiting for 3:00 to hit so I can go home and, on my way, get a $1.00 large french vanilla iced coffee with skim milk from DD.

I love getting a good deal on stuff but sometimes being so poor really gets annoying.


end rant.

Um Ya Ya

Obsessed with Rogue Valley in general but the song Bay of Pigs in particular.

blah blah midterms

"Guinea pigs kind of freak me out."- Christine

Just Classic Polioencephalomalacia

Matt claims my standards for humor have dropped dramatically since starting vet school and, at this point, I have to admit that may be true. I think there was a time, no, I know there was a time when my jokes had absolutely nothing to do with biology/physiology in any way. Now my humor revolves around the admittedly lame puns I create in the car while I am talking to myself. Wow.

And yet... I still think I'm pretty funny. I like to think my hilarity now reaches new depths previously unexplored wittiness. Like The Abyss, except instead of the ocean, it is the deep sulci of my brain. 

All that gitters is old.

Heart and Soul

"When life gives you tampons, make tamponade." - Christine

All These Things That I've Done

I'm sorry for being an intolerable girlfriend and a worse friend. I've always thought, or at least hoped, that there was a good person somewhere inside of me. Maybe that just isn't true. I didn't think it would ever be possible for us to get to a point where we questioned whether this was still right. I'm not at that point but I'm sorry if I pushed you there.
I've always wanted the best for you and I'm sorry that has gotten lost in my stubborn abrasiveness. I'm sorry for projecting all my own insecurities about my career choices onto you. I'm sorry that my attempts to advocate for you have probably felt more like warfare. I'm sorry I've fought against you when I should have been in your corner. I'm sorry for not just shutting the fuck up and listening. I'm sorry for not telling you everyday how much I appreciate you and love you. I'm sorry for not apologizing for all these things until now.

The Pursuit of Something

At once I knew, I was not magnificent.

For my next trick...

I would like to be better at living

how am i not myself

do what you can, with what you have, where you are.

talking in circles

The ever-lingering bad mood is exhausting and infectious.

the time is meow

I believe that birthdays, like New Year's Eve and St. Patrick's Day, are often over-hyped and usually disappointing.

Additionally, Craigslist sellers should never refer to whatever it is they are selling as "stunning." Things for sale on Craigslist and "Stunning Things" are mutually exclusive.

I am the biggest cynic I know. Being my friend is probably an exhausting experience.

an orthopoxvirus upon thee!

Every time I quote Happy Gilmore I feel old, because no one knows what I'm talking about. This happens a lot because every time my fingers hurt while taking notes, I say to myself, "Well your back's going to be hurting, cause you just pulled landscaping duty!" And then no one laughs.

In dog beers, I've only had one

Initially, I didn't think we had covered that much material in the last four weeks. I didn't think preparing for this midterm would be so bad. Upon further inspection, however, I have realized that I was very very wrong.

This will be a bittersweet birthday for several reasons:
1. Getting old (bitter)
2. My birthday is on Valentine's Day AGAIN! (bitter)
3. I have a midterm on Monday (bitter)
4. Matt will be here (sweet)

So i guess more bitter than sweet but who is really surprised about that?

the limit does not exist.

I just spent the last 45 minutes reading all my posts from 2006 and reflecting on them. It seemed like a good intermediate year to pick from. There also weren't that many posts. The saddest part was that I used to be funny. legitimately funny. and legitimately really sad. i actually laughed out loud while reading. now i just sit here sad and alone, lamenting the pile of laundry i haven't folded and the lectures I haven't gone through;  and yet, I am completely unwilling to do anything about either of those issues.

I want to believe that I used to handle difficult situations with more grace than I do now even though I know that isn't even remotely true. And that was probably the worst sentence I've ever written. But I'm too lazy to rewrite it. I should just delete it because it is a stupid sentence anyway. There is nothing worse than nostalgic self-absorbed prose. Ok. maybe this huge pile of unfolded clothes is worse. I can see them wrinkling, and yet, I do nothing. It's like the Kitty Genovese of laundry. Yeah. that was really distasteful. But I'm not going to delete that either. Because its the only clever thing I've said in months, I don't care how awful it is.

I used to be witty and now I just complain or cry in my room or watch Property Brothers to avoid studying. My angst used to be so edgy. Who says that? When is angst ever edgy? It is only possible to say that when comparing my then edgy angst to my now obnoxious and intolerable anxiety. That is how awful I am now. My current angst has a 4-fold increase in annoyance when compared to my 2006 angst. Therefore I can conclude that I am currently infected with a humorless and annoying anxiety. and i actually just looked at my virology notes to make sure that was the accurate conclusion to draw from my fake titers of emotion.

If i spent as much time studying as i do trying to come up with funny things to write, I would probably be ranked... exactly the same.

the rest is silence

maybe somewhere else will not be half as cold as me

tiny boat with oars, feather oars.

I hate when people talk to me for the sake of conversation just to prove the existence of some supposed friendship that isn't actually there. I don't need you to come up to me and have an awkward conversation about how my break was. You don't know how it was because we don't talk because we aren't friends. And I am totally fine with that. It really doesn't bother me at all. I actually prefer to eliminate all needless bullshit conversation from my day- let's call it a resolution.

I'm sure you are a great person and I'm sure someone would be lucky to have you around and listen to you constantly complain about how shitty your life is. I have my own internal monologue that bitches enough for the both of us. But I'm not going to gossip about our classmates with you or be bullied by you. Because next week I will turn 27. And I just refuse to participate in this.

Also- vet school is where good taste in music goes to die.

Fastidious and unapologetic.

Is this dialogue my monolgoue?

Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf,
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day
Nothing gold can stay.

Frost