Hey. well i wrote YOU a letter but i couldnt bring myself to stop by and leave it at your back door for fear you or one of your siblings would be sitting right there watching tv. i dont know why that scared me so much but it did. i wrote it yesterday...wednesday. i think i'll write it on here and hope you read it. i hope YOU know who you are. i really really do.

-
I'ts three fifteen in the mornign and i can't sleep. i've been thinking about you for the last half and hour and its incredible how much i miss you. its terrible to think that the last tim ei saw you was over 6 months ago at charlie's surprise birthday party. i miss you so much. i have the card you gave me and the letter you wrote me taped to my mirror. i read them both at laest once a day. i read your blog regularly, or as regularly as you update it and i suppose the entry about me bringing you the flowers was what prompted this missing-you-so-much-i-cant-think-about-anything-else phase. i say phase for lack of a better word. i always want to call you, and i want to IM you even more, but im too big a coward. Life is shitty without you. No one compares to you. I wish so much that we were still best friends. i know that sounds so corny but its so hard when no one really understands you and you cant bring yourself to talk to the one person who does. i think its safe to say that being friends with you was one of the best experiences of my life. i'm not sure if ive ever missed anything this much. i got a puppy his name is axle. i think you would like him. these are just small things that i wish yo ualready knew and i didnt have to write in a letter. i hope you're doing okay. i hope i will be able to bring myself to call you soon. i'm scared i would just be a crying mess if i did. i miss you and new jersey so much. i think about you daily. i love you so much. i miss you more than you'll ever know.
love. ALWAYS and FOREVER,
audrey

Hidden in Plain View
Madison (NJ)
Tokyo-Rose
Parker Theory
Blue Sky Goodbye
11 Minutes Away
Casual Blue
Over It
The Contingency Plan
Alli with an I
Motion City Soundtrack
The Red Jacket
The Awkward Romance
Forever Changed

"It's pathetic to hate who you are and it feels like hell to change. But I'll be damned if I push you away."

Ali ran a ride light today lol it was probably the funniest thing ever. actually the whole time we were hanging out it was pretty much the funniest thing ever. man. lol. paranoying.

i just thought i would include this since well... he did

dudah85: lots of death
dudah85: sort of like casino
dudah85: but dirtier and better
skippysTd: ive never seen casino either
dudah85: youre a dirty tramp then
skippysTd: its true

I though of that old joke, y'know, the, this, this guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, uh, my brother's crazy. He thinks he's a chicken." And, uh, the doctor says, "Well, why don't you turn him in?" And the guy says, "I would, but I need the eggs." Well, I guess that's pretty much how I feel about relationships. Y'know, they're totally irrational and crazy and absurd and, but, uh, I guess we keep going through it because, uh, most of us need the eggs.

...and though i know who i'm not, i still don't know who i am...

"Romantic? Hemingway? He was an abusive, alcoholic, misogynist who squandered half his life hanging around Picasso trying to nail his leftovers."

"Well, I'm gonna get out of bed every morning... breath in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breath in and out... and, then after a while, I won't have to think about how I had it great and perfect for a while."

OKAY so lets hear it for today-

i woke up at the crack of 11:30 and called courtney. she got ready and i went and picked her up. we came back to my house. i felt bad just crating the dog for the whole day so we stayed with it for like half an hour lol. so then we went to the mall.... im not sure why? i dont even know if we needed anything? i certainly didnt

went into american eagle. haha. shocker! and i bought this black skirt. $8.09. YEAH CLEARANCE. man i serioulsy am a bargin goddess. is that even how you spell it? either way. its a nice skirt. sort of see through but hey. then went to pac sun to show court this cool purse they just got. oh man audrey needs a life. and of course after i showed court she said "buy it" and i said... "ok" lol

farewell another $21.11. oh well its worth it nice purse. number 17 in the collection. haha. well. we went in jessica mcclintock haha of course because whats a trip to the mall without me looking at dresses? i was like hey homecoming? yeah right so ive already decided im not going... even though i probably will.anyway not the point the point is there is this so kick ass white dress with these so tacky huge black flowers and ruffles at the bottom with a polka dot like underthing. so cool. hot pink trim. sooo cool. $193. FANTASTIC! its too short anyway. so then we eventually went home, courtney empty-handed and me broke... naturally.

when we got home i decided i needed something to put my purses in... a purse rack if you will. haha so we went to the container store? such a lame ass trip. went home with nothing.

i then proceeded to organize my closet. threw out a bunch of shit and i guess it looks neater now? i'm painting my room but i dont know what color. sick i hate that choice. moving the furniture too. fabulous.

court and tray were over and me and court ate spaghetti. it was pretty good. with the texas chainsaw cheese bread. hmm... then... oh hmm oh yeah!!

then convinced my parents into paying for half of a new disc man that i needed for the trip up north, among other things. so it was off to best buy. oh man such a funny trip. bought the cd player spent $64 nino tried to make me feel better about it, but to no avail

thanks anyway nino. hahahaha

back to my hosue. court and tray had to leave at 10. by that time steve had come over and was watching golf with my dad. so court and tray left and i really tried hard to enjoy the golf. but i didnt so i went downstairs and tried to fix the digital cable that fucked up. oh yeah and i cut my hair. but anyway my dad was just sitting there talking to steve and i felt kind of bad but not really and i know my dad said some stupid shit like not being able to stand me after living with me a week. haha oh dad. youre sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo funny. so at like 1100 the lame ass tournament was finally over and phil and sergio had won. so lame that i know. anyway then my dad went to bed and me and steve watched jackass and then tom green. and then some food channel thing about beer? irrelavent then i made some left over spaghetti... i wasnt even hungry? then i made a piece of toast with cream cheese. i had a so bad craving for it..

hmm. aha then after that nice meal i took otu the sea creature cookies and found 17 tyupes of creature. oh god audrey. now i'm here typing this knowing that the rest of the week is gonig to be so gay without courtney. tray and i are getting so bored i can see it alright. intense spendding of all my money.

oh god i dread the rest of this week. oh my god!!!

i'm goign to hang out with ali!
shit yes i am!yesyeysyesyeyseyseysyeyseyseysyesyeyseyse i am!
and gio!
yes.

i dont think it gets more pathetic than being so excited about thecontainerstore.com haha oh audrey.

These purple sheets match my soul. haha. thanks mom.

its officially my moms birthday. boo yah. steve and court- i wish you could be here when she opens the presents you guys helped picked out but well i wont be here either so. i guess that settles it then.

marshalls sucks and so do you!

hey did you get some? man that is so dumb.

tomorrow morning heading out to the mall before work because i need to get a new purse. like khaki colored? i dont have one. i have one from AE in mind but im goign to try and find a cheaper one at aero or jc penny and maybe check ae out because that might be on clearance by now. with the way they get new inventory. phew.

"But I've hidden a note. It's pressed between pages that you've marked to find your way back. It says: "Does he ever get the girl?" But what if the pages stay pressed. The chapters unfinished. The stories too dull to unfold? Does he ever get the girl?"

dashboard

"I woke up from this dream to find that I was sleeping
So I went back to sleep and I dreamed I was awake.
I locked myself inside but you were on the outside
I stood outside and watched but I couldn't let you in."

i will sever the ties, sever the ties.


just read dominiques live journal. haha yeah. this summer doesnt compare to last or the one before that or the one before that. its quite a let down and its pretty stupid and all i do is work and man. lifes depressing. dying the hair purple again before school starts to cover up the real me? i think so.

im faking it like i matter.

its hard to convince myself that everythings okay. fucukckcuyfkfukcc

everything IS okay and thats the problem. i really dont know what im talking about right now and if i get into anymore ill just piss everyone else off. i really hate that. i really really hate that. god fucking dammit i hate so much. i spend all my time hating and i miss everything. fuck. i hate myself too sjkdgosgh
fuck
not talkign about it
sorry.

so its safe to say that we've been here before. breaking hearts has never looked so cool.

and ive come to the conclusion that it doesnt matter how many books i can read or how big my vocabulary is or how many songs i know or how perfect my grammar is. none of that matters because none of that has really anything to do with real life. and man, i deserve an award for getting myself into the worst positions.

and all the Best Deceptions and the Clever Cover Story awards go to me.

ive eaten 5 fla-vor-ices in about 10 minutes. my mouth is purple. i'm about to go get some more. but im scared its too late lol. i wish they werent so irresistable

i just went and got 2 more.

what an amazing business. no one could ever replace these. they are so perfect as they are. i really shouldnt eat anymore tonight 7 is tooo many.






oh mansomething so funny


Chaos6575: one that I was talking to, reminded me of you
skippysTd: haha you pimp
skippysTd: in what way?
Chaos6575: haha, no, you know me
Chaos6575: I don't know, she looked like you, talked like you, but had my personality
Chaos6575: it was kinda weird
Chaos6575: like we had a kid or something
skippysTd: hahahahahaha



ohhhhhhhhhh gio!!!!!!!!

Michael Giovenco- I love you. Will you marry me?

It's okay to be angry and never let go. It only gets harder the more that you know. When you get lonely if no one's around. You know that I'll catch you when you're falling down. We came together but you left alone. And I know how it feels to walk out on your own. Maybe someday I will see you again, and you'll look me in my eyes and call me your friend.

You know, i could say i'm sorry a thousand times and it would never get me anywhere. mostly because i woudlnt know what i was apologizing for. ive been blamed for things i havent done and i dont know how to change that. im tired of talking about it and tired of going over and over it and tired of feeling guilty and horrible for something i didnt do. so this is it. i dont knwo if you want to be friends and if you do thats cool and if you dont i respect it. i cant control my feelings any better than you can or anyone else. there are so many... i dont know... things i wish i could say to you. thinking about all this shit tonight made me pretty upset. mainly just thinking about like things we're supposed to do or have done. like more particularly that night i slept over and we stayed outside talking till like 6 in the morning and then went to mc donalds. i was acutally just thinking about that and i was like "why didnt we go to country donuts?" and god

when rachel ward knows, you've told too many people.

its the summer. almost everyone is completely detatched from everyone else except their tight knit groups... but somehow everyone knows... and its just like.. the more people talk about it, the more i begin to think that everyone has this idea that i ruined it all... when really... i didn't...

so im not sure what this means... i'm leaving it up to you... id love to be your friend again... i dont know why you wouldnt be able to trust me because... i dont know what i did that would deem me untrustworthy. im sorry i feel this way. really i am.

id talk to you but i dont know what to say. im emotionally drained. and practically dead.

your thoughts?

There is no logic to your madness.

MARY: In honor of Pacey’s birthday I’ve made his favorite: chipped beef on toast.
PACEY: It’s Doug’s favorite, actually. My favorite is spaghetti and meatballs.
MARY: But -- when you were a kid, you always begged me to make chipped beef on toast.
PACEY: Right, I forgot. All these years, I’ve pretended to hate chipped beef on toast, in a vain attempt to mask my true feelings of love.
DOUG: Well, I love chipped beef on toast.
PACEY: Yes, that fact is well established. Thank you.

So I'll hit the pavement, it's gotta be better than waiting.

"We're not twenty-one, but the sooner we are, the sooner the fun will begin, so get out your fake eyelashes and fake i.d's, and real disasters ensue. it's cool to take these chances. It's cool to fake romances and grow up fast."

I got a new graphing calculator today since i have no idea what happened to mine. but the new one is super cool, its like dark blue see through sparkly haha. acutally everyone has these sparkly see through ones now but i had the black one so now this is a big transition. and like im so excited for algebra 2 now! im so prepared, maybe this new calculator will make me smarter. i can only pray.

okay so alyssa said something really funny just now. i feel like i need to put it on here

MidnightGoodbyes: 1st off... this kid thought he was ja rule like last week

We all have sizeable scars. Is this the way a toy feels when its batteries run dry? Oh, we're so c-c-c-c-c-controversial. I'm an old abandoned church with broken pews and empty aisles. Take the picture from the wall when you think that nothing matters. A sober straight face gets you out of your clothes. I am heaven sent. Don't you dare forget. my tongue's the only muscle in my body that works harder than my heart. Die young and save yourself. She's breathing quiet and smooth, He's gasping for air. Call me a safe bet. I'm betting I'm not. You are calm and reposed. Let your beauty unfold. Pale white, like the skin stretched over your bones. Spring keeps you ever close. You are second hand smoke. You are so fragile and thin. standing trial for your sins. Holding onto yourself the best you can. You are the smell before rain. You are the blood in my veins. We paint a lover's tryst. We're neither clear nor descript. We kept it safe and slow. The quiet things that no one ever knows. Wasting words on lowercases and capitals.

"I'll Be your crying shoulder. I'll Be love's suicide. I'll Be better when I'm older. I'll Be the greatest fan of your life."

-|- WE ARE LIVING IN A HOUSE OF LIES! -|-

Last night steve and i saw How to Deal. of course i liked it. because mandy moore is my god. I dont think steve liked it, but naturally he said he did. something i didnt know was that this movie was based on two books. and they happen to be two books that ive read.

That summer by Sarah Dessen
Someone Like You by Sarah Desen

She is a great author let me tell you. if you like teen crap you would love sarah dessen. i know i do. So after the movie we walked around my neighborhood and went past this party and they had gotten their hands on a few mics. funny at first, but it got old lol. we went home and i ate a corndog and then some ice cream and then a rice krispie treat. i wanted to go swimming at ed's but that idea went over like a lead balloon. today im working 12-close. its pretty fucking shitty
8-9 hours i better get a lot of breaks.

marshalls why do you suck so bad?

"Hello...what the hell are you doing here? You made a really strange face, this is a really uncomfortable air. I see I'm boring you, maybe I bore myself too. That's why I need help, I'm cleaning blood off dusty shelves."

alk3

-+- If ever a day goes by that I don't tell you I love you, know always that I do -+-

-+-July 19th. Three years. Oh Harrison, I could never forget you.-+-
-+-And i don't dream since i quit sleeping, and i haven't slept since i met you.-+-

Its suprised me today when i thoguth about it. because lets see. so many people really dont like me on a regular basis. you think these people would look at this shit to make fun of me. and now that i have made comments possible no one says anything... this makes me wonder a few things

do the people who really hate me not have a link to this? maybe they don't. i can work on getting that to them.

do the people who hate me have better things to do? no, no they don't. they all suck.

maybe if i talk shit first then people will retaliate? hmmmm i dont want to mention names... maybe if i just bring up a story... and then send this link to certain people... then... maybe they will see it.. maybe... im kind of worried that all my hard work on the commenter, made only so people can tell me how dumb i am because theyve been keeping it in so long, is going to waste.

so heres the story.... One day a long long time ago, back in the day of Freshman Girls P.E. i made a few friends. they were the type of people who you could really bond with on a .... personal level. (sound satiric? no? well it is) these girls loved me for who i was. one of them in particular. i think she had a crush on me. but she played it off like she hated me. i know better. hahaha. anyway. so this girl and her ghetto fabulous... or just fabulous in general, friends decided that they would make me feel like a better person all the time! when we ran on the indoor track they would be walking behind, breathing heavily from too much pot and cigarettes, cheering me on. we laughed and cried. i listened in on all their sex stories and came to the conclusion that basically they were big sluts. and when i say big i mean BIG! literally. anway. one day towards the end of the year when the bees were buzzing and the flowers were blooming, they were being as nice as they always were to me. One of them said something SO nice to me in fact that i felt like she deserved a compliment of equal measure. and man, she LOVED that compliment, she was so flattered in fact, that she thanked me by throwing me into a wall... you knwo in a really SUPER nice way, not at all in a wanting-to-kick-my-ass-if-she-wasnt-so-fat way. so. that was a great day. i really think we toook our relationship to a whole new level. but the year was over and oh parting is such sweet sorrow.
BUT
As luck would have it, i ended up being in Sophomore Girls Activities with several of her friends. so we were able to exchage compliments through eachother. it was actually more of her making me feeel sooo cool. i decided that during that year my main source of gym entertainment would be listening in on their stories, of which they had many. They called me a stupid fucking bitch and i called them fat and they called me a lesbian and i called them whores. it was a lovely relationship. i hope i have a thousand more JUST like it.
and i know i will
because there are so many caring and wonderful people just like them in the world. and it is that group of friends that i feel honored to have known. i hope i stay in their hearts forever just as they will in mine.


i actually think everyone knew that story. its the one, in case you couldnt tell, where maria got pushed over the garbage can into the boys bathroom? yeah that was some funny shit. now would you just fucking comment?

messed this up i think its okay though?

where can i go when i want you around, but i can't stand to be around you?


audreysucks

I tried on all my dresses from dances last night. pathetic. i still think the favorite is turnabout soph year. its just like prettier than the other ones lol. i guess today ill start reading a book or something. i ohhh well. "i'm finding my way back to you, and everything you used to be, and waiting is all that i can do until you find your way back to me"

i guess im getting used to this new michelle branch.

since its playing though i can't put the hey girl lyrics on here that i want to because i cant think of the way the song goes. oh well i'm a wannabe O.A.R. fan anyway.

oh yeah and last night i was wearing these camoe(sp?) dickies that keiko's cousin gave her cuz they were too small. let me tell you these pants. haha. oh man like at least 4 inches from the floor. and you shoul dhave seen this outfit. they had me put on this not matching tank top and black high heels. haha oh. i was a runway model. they even took pictures of it. i dont think i should have let them. that could come back badly.

i want to say: Carter i'm sorry for everything i put you through. and i want to start over. completely.

"I'm trying to get by with never knowing at all"

ohh holy dagger.

Now, don't just walk away pretending everything's okay and you don't care about me. I know there's just no use, when all your lies become your truths and i don't care. could you look me in the eye and tell me that you're happy now. wont you tell it to my face or have i been erased are you happy now? you took all there was to take, and left me with an empty plate and you don't care about it. i am giving up this game, and you leaving you with all the blame cause i don't care.

Anyone know any Aquarian guys? because APPARENTLY they are the sign that is most compatible with me. so. HEYYYYY GREG. hahaha

and here are some random horoscopes for me:

Singles Love- Those holding out for the perfect match are so close to finding it. Your ideal lover isn't even hiding from you. He or she will seem so obvious once you finally come together. Make it soon. The Stars demand your satisfaction.

Astronets Daily- Just in case your experimental approach doesn't knock their socks off, your charisma is sure to do the job. The Stars turn you into the radical who can make a difference. When you lead, others follow.

Daily Overview- Vague answers inspire you. Anyone passing snap judgments is missing a major piece of the picture. In your hands, improvisation is just another tool of genius at work.

Teen- Talk about future plans with friends could be the beginning of something new and exciting. Keep the energy level high, and things will take shape before you know it, Aquarius.

Daily Flirt- Your actual physical stats have little to do with the way people see you. Regardless of what flaws you think you have, your loving fans (of which there are more than a few) will swear up and down that you look like a movie star. hahahahahahah

AND ONE FOR FUN BY THE KISSING GUIDE LOL:

heres courts first- Scorpio, You skip the kiss and get to straight to … whatever comes next for you.
hahahahahaha LMAO

and mine: Aquarius, Your kisses are wet and messy, and you tend to keep your eyes open.
HA lies i swear. thats not true!

feeling completely shitty at the moment. my ear hurts in a wretched way. tonight... or... last night i watched phonebooth. it was soooo cool. well i dont know if it was cool, but so intense. steve didnt think it was intense he just said it was "good" but who knows what that means. i thought it was intense and good and cool. and i didnt really know there were people like those hookers in real life. that is a sick thought. they were pretty sick looking. i wanted to watch lilo and stitch too but ran out of time. maybe today... i will watch this other movie Swimming too. it won some sundance film festival awards so you know its pretty cool.

so things i should do tomorrow. no things i NEED to do tomorrow:

1. Take a shower, and paint my nails, put on make up (i havent in a few months i figure what the hell)
2. relax my ear to health
3. eat something i guess. sick.
4. maybe a sandwhich?
5. ok some of these arent things to do
6. buy my O.A.R. ticket.
7. spend the rest of my last weeks check on stupid worthless things that ill never use
8. go out to the car and bring in some of my cds and listen to them in the house
9. man that was a lame one.
10. hang out with greg if he calls
11. hang out with steve in the day.
12. hang out with court too?
13. tray too
14. maybe go get something to eat with them
15. okay this is the dumbest thing ever im done with this list.
16. OH YEah and start the Joy Luck Club

I'm missing your laugh. How did it break?
And when did your eyes begin to look fake?
I hope you're as happy as you 're pretending.



===which of the standard lines will we use?===
+I've been meaning to call you.
+I've just been so busy.
+We'll catch up soon.
+Let's make it a point to.

three days to go.... and counting.... i doubt i'll make it out alive.

I used to be funny. sometimes i wonder what happened.

I talk to you every now and then, ive never felt so alone again. i stop to think at a wishing well, my mind sends me on a carousel. Here I am standing on my own. Not a motion from the telephone. I know not a reason why. Solitude's a reason to die.

What you wish for won't come true, live with that.


WAIT!!!!!! now is the PERFECT time to insert lyrics from this fenix tx song that i like! oh man audrey. get a fucking life. man but right now i have all this energy and i am talking to greg about rainbows and jeanae about ben and jerrys and courtney abotu really random things and steve about other things and i keep typing and typing. and.. oh yeah the song THE SONG!! ohh ps. song for everyoone by fenix tx reminds me of greg. i dont even know why


"Well all the things I've said
to try to make it work
have all been bent or misunderstood
Everything was taken the wrong way
Now you're making things so hard
Now when you think of me you get bent outta shape
pissed off at all the choices that you've made
Everything is going the wrong way
And it's making things so hard
You always kick and scream so hard
what can I do to calm you down
why do you make things so hard
you gotta stop sneaking around
I guess for you a new life has begun
I'll sit at home and watch reruns
So I'm gone all the time what difference does it make
togetherness doesn't seem to amount to anything
everything is all screwed up and now I'm making things so hard
Sometimes I think about the way it used to be
you're not the same person that you started out to be
I haven't talked to you in days and I guess it's not so hard"

Next cd that i'm buying

Mars Volta- De-loused In The Comatorium
most recently purchased cds

Brand New- Deja Entendu |this deserves ***** on the Audrey Music Scale|
Michelle Branch- Hotel Paper |i thought all the songs would be more angry like Are You Happy Now, but most of them are just like they are on her last cd, which is slow. they arent bad so i give it a ***+1/2 * on the Audrey Music Scale|

when i was typing in the url to update this, instead of writing blogger.com i wrote blogger.dom.

oh dom. i miss you.

I've called you twice. It's been a hellish fight to not think about you all the time sitting around waiting for your call.

...All in all, I guess it's for the better if you just can't feel a fucking thing. fall asleep and die...

So its not as easy as youre making it seem. so nothing turns out the way its supposed to and fuck everyone. ill be glad when this worthless summer is over.

Past lovers who remain friends are either still in love, or never were.

so want to hear something really cool? today i went downtown with steve and court and guess what! my car got booted! by some really cool mexicans. they were so cool in fact that they decided they would make me pay a $100 fine. thanks you fucking assholes i hate you and i hope you die. mayor daley you are a son of a bitch who i would not mind shooting. many times. in the head. you are a skank ass hoe just like youre entire family and you run the city of chicago like a sewer and youre SICK and youre MEAN and i hATE YOU. and i hate all you RATS! sick!!!!!!! i am very pissed off. very very mad. very upset. and the mexicans made me cry. and for that they should die themselves because no one gets to make me cry except *those who shall not be named*

THEN on the way home we saw this car with a REALLY COOL license plate!!!!!! ahahahahahahahahaha fuck off and die.

This is MY sarcastic summer.

and you say youre sick and tired of all this shit that youve gotten yourself into. well. there's not much to say. i dont see you. and i doubt i will for the rest of the summer and thats okay with me. you say youre tired of my entries. well stop readning. i'm only complaining to keep myself busy sweetie. its quite possible that you hate me, though you said it wouldn't turn out like that. like every failed relationship thats ever crossed my path. but the truth is you could slit my throat and with my one last gasping breath I'd apologize for bleeding on your shirt .

and its true, i really am a wishful thinker. and yes at times my intentions are none-too honorable. but all i have to say now is i watched mtv for 5 hours tonight. ohhh yeah..
and remember when you said you wanted to know who i really was? are you wishing you hadn't said that now? because i have the feeling that you are. yeah die young and save yourself. surprise i have eyes, goodbye. fuck you. blah blah

ps riot grrrl is dumb
pps. if you had to choose between swimming in jell-o or pudding which woudl you choose?
------i'm a pudding fan myself.------
ppps. FUCK YOU AURORA

this ones for you court.

"is there a such thing as an f-5?"
"yeah, there is."
(all look towards the ceiling)

"You're still in love with him, not that i blame you. I just hope this isnt some desperate attempt to keep him in your life"

----oh this is the most desperate of desperate attempts.----


ps, the intro to number 9 on Deja Entendu sounds like YOUTH OF THE NATION. well thats a sick thought.

I'm sinking like a stone in the sea. I'm burning like a bridge for your body.

It used to be the reason i breathed but now its choking me up.

I miss my friends. I don't know why i have such a hard time keeping up with it. today all i did was sit on my ass and watch surfer girls and real world. and i contemplated calling you, alix, but of course i didnt. i even went through your number multiple times in my head. but i couldnt do it. i could imagine the bewildered look your mom would give. i feel like trying to reconcile would only look like a desperate attempt to hang on to memories of the worst two years of my life. but those two years provided me with friends i cant bring myself to call because i don't feel like i deserve to be friends with them. everywhere i look i see pictures that remind me. i still have pictures on my desk from navy pier in 7th grade. and i can't bring myself to take them down. i can't even keep it up. postcards from jeanae. pictures of dominique. memories stuck in my head of ali. its hard to accept losing things that were at one point the most important things in your life.

my mom saw chris's mom at the flyers game. man chris brady. thats a name that hasnt rolled of my toungue in months. every now and then i pick up the phone and contemplate dialing that number that used to be on the caller id at least once a day. and i think about how weird it would be to talk to him. and how awkward our conversation would be... or maybe it wouldnt be at all. oh chris i love you. i miss you in a big way.

this is the price im paying for being audrey and lacking the ability to put myself in a situation that i don't have complete control of... although, its quite easy for me to throw myself at people who don't really care at all.

weird.

Fake it like you matter- cause that's the biggest secret you have to keep.

i was going to put the first entry i made on this blog as a post right no wbut i just read it and its pretty dumb lol. so. i think ill find a better one. more metephorical perhaps? okay cancel that i found a funny one from january 17th

-well the 99 red balloons idea fell through because they all deflated before i got home. it was a pretty pathetic sight. so tonight is friday night and i'm hanging out with court and tray. okay so the funniest things that happened today:

1. ben got his carnation and figured out it was from me

2. ben in general eating his lunch.

3. my 100% on a math quiz.

4. courtney and tracy in general.

5. ben playing with the carnation after he got it.

6. Tray just saying "i'm sad" "i take it back, i take it back"


do you ever have those conversations with someone in the hall and then you are right in the middle of a conversation when they all of a sudden are like oh okay bye and they run off to their left so fast? i have one of those friends. her name is tracy and everyday after spanish i have to remember to get my story out ASAP becuase she runs off to the locker before you can get it out. oh tray. youre sad.-

remember that day guys? thats the same day we gave a carnation to weird guy. hahahahah oh weirdy why do we see you everywherE?

today has had shitty weather and i have had shitty mood. we didn't fight which is good. but id say the drive home was pretty depressing.

on a lighter note. my dog is crying right now because its trapped in the hell of my room. so we are going to journey downstairs.

i have blink 182 stuck in my head.

she didnt mean to decieve you believe me
but sometimes the hardest part is concieving
the good intentions that she had
now only came to this
and although she saw the mark
the arrow missed.

"I said this wont mean a thing come tomorrow
and thats exactly how i'll make it seem
because i'm still not sleeping thinking
i've crawled home from worse than this so please
im running out of sympathy
and i never said i'd take this"

taking back sunday

I'm so miserable without you. why isn't anyone miserable without me?

Don't bother going through your motions
Nothing that makes sense ever works out

"you're on and off.
phase in phase out.
cross your heart crash burn and fall.
under cushions hide the change.
so no one knows.
just be careful who you tell.
i really want to care when you say
: "i'll change that".
i just don't feel a thing when you say:
"we'll get there...someday""

jimmy eat world

I cant remember all the times i've tried to tell myself to hold on to these feelings as they pass...

so i met sean at work and hes really cool and stuff and he graduated from shs this year. and im liek man why didnt i know you. and he said he hung out with ganesh and jon and stuff and i was like man i really should know you. so i looked him up in the year book and
JESUS CHRIST
i do know him! im friends with his brother. and ive met him before. this is so bizarre i cant even think about it right now.

is this good bye? i hope this is goodbye. I PRAY this is goodbye. My, my what a mess we've made of our precious little lives these days. It appears a big fucking tornado has twisted us up recently. Best wishes have been made for you, you never had no say it's true. You have to be the cutest gravedigger I've ever seen. And all your lonely nights in the city of lights are much like all these crowded bars I so often find my stupid self stumbling through.

FUCK YOU AURORA. YOU TOOK MY ONLY FRIEND. AND ALTHOUGH ITS ALL MY FAULT, THE BLAMING MYSELF HAD TO COME TO AN END SO I SAY FUCK YOU AURORA.

FUCK YOU
HOLD YOUR OWN GODDAMN HAND
always childish critical of every last fucking thing just for the fuck of it
i am no fucking moron
and i let it slide
like i thought
maybe
u know
maybe it was just
bad timing
oh fuck no
my first instinct are the fucking best right?
yeah and i fucking knew it
and i was ready to go off
but oh no
no no. gotta let it slide gotta be everyones friend.
i shoulda just fucking walked
gotta be immature bitch about it. dont just complain. ask for kisses. im not a moron.
i cant stand it. i really cantr
i couldnt stand it before
i cant stand it now
ur friends arent on ur side. theyre just to scared to say anything.
so stop brining them into it anyhow
whatever
i hate it

you are certainly one to talk dearest, about being immature just for the fuck of it. i forgot youre the most mature person you know. and i forgot you knew everything. ill let you in on a little secret- i'm only complaining to keep myself busy, sweetie. gotta be everyones friend? ha. yeah. yeah right. i hope you read this and i hope it pisses you off. because if it does i will know i have succeeded. you love to upset everyone but now ive found a way to upset you. and i can be childish if i want darling, its my life. my friends arent against me. and they arent too scared to say anything. stop pretending like you own the world and its entirety. you can have your cake and eat it to. but don't expect me to sit off on the sidelines quietly. ill watch with patient eyes as you dismemeber your prey and i will laugh when the trap youve used to attract your victims backfires. because i can be your best bet, let alone your worst ex. maladroit.

im not sure what happened this weekend. i think i saw carter a lot. i worked too. everything else sort of blurred together. raced carter in a pool... sort of. what else? worked. then played with the dog a lot. because i got a dog. because im that cool. its a PUPPY too
Axle Rose Billhymer
with a name like that the other dogs on the block will cower at the sight of him. muahahahahahaha. steve should be here by now....

nicole was a friend who would fight for me.

i thought of you today. you and your grandpa. i thought about how different my life would be if i still knew you. every now and then your name floats into my mind and it makes me wonder what our friendship really was. who has best friends when they are 9 years old? who experiences real loss at that age? i remember telling carter about what happened.
ive never been more embarassed.
my parents still don't know. i remember trying to convince myself that it never happened. and i remember when i finally came to terms with the whole thing. it was about a year and a half ago when i accepted it. i'm okay now. but every now and then i feel like people are going to hate me when they find out. i'm still afraid to tell people. and i suppose when all is said and done, things like that are the events that become the quiet things that no one ever knows. i'm scared of being alone. and when i think about things regarding my pre-adolescent life, i just wish i would have known better. but i suppose there are some things that happen without any reason and the only thing they manage to do is knock you around and fuck you up a bit.

"everyone I know goes away in the end."

so we talk once and a while to catch up on our lives that weve moved on with despite distance and failed friendship. and sometimes we pretend to make plans together. and sometimes we talk and sometimes we dig up the past. but most of the time its just me sitting around and thinking about the past i would like to dig up if i ever caught you in themiddle of a moment when you would be obligated to hang out with me. eventually ill get older and ill stop playing these games with myself. and ill take my life with a grain of salt. and someday i will be able to go outside and take a deep breath and not think about you. because right now even if its just a fleeting moment, you manage to sneak out from your hiding place in the back of my mind where i dotn even notice you sitting and scream into plain view. and then once youre there you rarely ever go back into hiding until youre possitive youve sucked out every single memory from me. icould go on for hours. about you, or the next, or the last. and there was no point ot this post. it wasnt good writing. i'm sick. i feel like death.

Oh Axle, you are my only love.

He is the lamb, she is the slaughter.

Poison the Well, In Flames, Hatebreed, American Nightmare, Bane, From Autumn to Ashes, Sick of it All, Snapcase, Dillinger Escape Plan, Evergreen Terrace, Hopesfall, Nora, 7 Angels 7 Plagues, Twelve Tribes, Fall Silent, Curl Up And Die, Stretch Armstrong, No Innocent Victim, Page 99, Living Sacrifice, The Deadlines, Embodyment, Travail, The Deal, Figure Four, Officer Negative, Norma Jean, Spitfire, Dogwood, Between the Buried and Me, 18 Visions, Bleeding Through, Spoken, Soul Embrace, Point of Recognition, Every Time I Die, Unearth, Throwdown, Underoath, Boy Sets Fire

I will always be waiting.

"Some people say I'm corny or I'm morbid.
I always thought I was touching, I was tragic.
One man's magic is another's plastic.
Well, which one is it?
Am I sweetness? Am I sickness?"

jets to brazil

i think its stupid to talk about personal things involving other people on the blog. like oh yeah so and so came over tonight and we had sex all over my house it was so fun. its like why are you saying this? no one cares? soo ill do the same

i watch movies and the only reason i dont see the whole thing is because i fall asleep.

"I'll take what you're willing to give and I'll teach myself to live with a walk-on part of a background shot from a movie I'm not in."

"I got too fucked up again and passed out on the floor, tried to forget you. I can't forget you"

i attempted to drink you away tonight. and it didnt work.

"I can be your liar
I can be your bearer of bad news
Sick and uninspired by the diamonds in your fire
Burning like a flame inside of you
Is this just desire or the truth"

foo fighters

So take your lessons hard and stay with her. When your car crash comes, don't be misled. Convince yourself that everything is alright, cause it already is

wooooooops forgot to post for... a few days... yesterday carter and i went to portillos for lunch and had some nice talking and food along with an extra fry for no reason. it was fun. then we went to carters to get pulp fiction and then back to my house to watch it and do consumer ed. so he did his powerpoint after a lot of procrastination and then we went to cub foods to get the prices for shopping cons ed or whatever. so then back to my house for the movie but my dad had rented from dusk till dawn so we were like "hmm quinten tarentino. haven't seen it. in love with his other stuff. lets give it a try"

so we watched it and the first half of it was really cool and it looked like it really had potential to lead up to something cool and then................... vampires. and it went downhill from there. as soon as the guys ended up at the titty twister bar it started sucking horribly. well. so then i took carter home and picked up court and tray and the rest of the night was pretty lame except i put a new template on the candy green strat blog.

ah now for lyrics