My family doesn't know me and i guess saying i don't care would be lying. Seeing the close relationships that some people have with their parents is just bewildering to say the least, and it makes me more jealous than ever. i can't imagine having a conversation with my mom for the hell of it. just to talk. right. what does that mean? i don't even know what i would say if she instigated a normal conversation. my parents aren't the type to talk for the sake of talking. i'm pretty sure i am. For the last 16 years i have tried, to no avail, to develop a relationship that has at least a minimal amount of depth to it. where did i come from? i'd like to know because i'm nothing like shy and passive mother and i'm not short tempered and permanently angry like my father. posing as a combination of the two would be somewhat of a stretch in my opinion. I feel like in their eyes, Eric and I are more like long term investments and less like their children. this entire post was completely pointless.

i went shopping with lauren today for her turnabout dress and we found a really pretty one at jessica mcclintock, very classic. i hate mine more everyday. i'm asking steve next week. so much for suspense. ha. i found my ideal prom dress.... ill put a link... i might get it, but i'm not really sure about length. i have yet to find the advantages of being tall.

http://www.cbslimited.com/detail.php?vendor=prom_tiffany_designs&style=6459

well there it is hopefully its a working link and everything. oh well. black white. i'm in a really depressed mood so i'll just read grapes of wrath. what a self-esteem booster.

unsettled, severing always severing old ties.
one last good-bye may last the rest of your life.
one way trip can work both ways and loose ends kept untied
make better friends.
the things you buy may someday leave you.
can you say full ride?
i can still see you around.


From a somewhat frequent routine to an awkward silence that's lasted over a year i can say i don't know you and probably be more than accurate. i can also say i know you best and be more than accurate despite my sweeping generalizations. is there a reason i don't call? is there a reason you don't? we get caught up in everything so fast that by the time we realize our errors our bullheaded nature has taken control and the loss of dignity is too great a risk to take. when open-ended questions aren't questions at all, when the idea of our friendship has been burried too deeply to be uprooted, and when we graduate high school and never talk again, then will it be time to put our pride to the side and pick up the pieces? I'm not sure who you are, but i know who you were, and if new jersey makes you sad, i think you should know it makes me sad too.

Today wasn't so bad. i didn't have any homework. i decided in the car that i am definitely a republican. i was bitching about people on welfare who don't get off their asses and get jobs. either way i want to be Blondie. that is my life's ambition. my mom has this really old dress that she bought in a resale store in san fransisco when she was like 25 and i might be able to use it for Mrs. Frank. i got a jean skirt tonight. its short and i'm certainly not used to short skirts but i think it could be cool. my ear is getting re-infected so i have to start doing the medicine again. nothing really going on in life right now. i should read some grapes of wrath tonight. so far i like it. we read a few chapters of A Farewell to Arms and it was so good. i wasnt sure i would like Hemingway but i love him.

<3 Literature <3

ah ah ah ah ah ahh ahhh. youre gonna say you miss me, youre gonna say you kiss me, youre gonna say you love me cause i'm gonna love you too. i dont care what you told me, youre gonna say youd hold me, and youre gonna say you love me, cause i'm gonna love you too.

Poet's problem, patron's sin, puts me in the place I'm in.
Passion's letter, poison pen, on these two things I can depend.
You will write your number, that's not all.
I will not be there when you call.
I think I'll do a line and then again...
Dirty dealer's school of thought.
An armchair for the strength you've lost.
The TV set's been on all night.
You were wrong and I was right.
You will write your number on the wall.
I will not be there when you call.
I think I'll do a line and then again...

so i just got steve a cool template for his fresh new blog check it out

www.alotbiggerinmyday.blogspot.com

today was play practice and i got all my cues so i'm good. i found out i got a B on the apus final which is AMAZING to say the least and a B on the english final which is somewhat disappointing but i still kept an A in the class.

tonight im just going to do some homework and read the grapes of wrath if i can find it. which might not be as easy as i had hoped.

now i'm listening to the cure- pictures of you. its good, GOOOOOOOD.

i find myself drifting away from who i was before and turning into someone i had never anticipated becoming. my goth roots are fading into pastels and i love my dog more than anything else.

"It's getting hard to be someone but it all works out, it doesn't matter much to me."

This one's for lauren:

Social darwinism isn't an accurate way to percieve the human race. when he came up with it he KNEW it was in no way applicable to human nature. he knew this because he knew people like LAUREN MANGIAFORTE would try to use his science to prove their insignificance, blasphemy i say. i for one say that lauren mangiaforte is in no way less significant because of her relationship status. nore is anyone. no one should be labeled "weak" in the social darwinism theory for his/her heart's untamable desires. relationships in highschool are like Stanford; OVERRATED. sure sure go on dates have fun whatever but please, long term relationships in highschool are like old navy flip flops, easy to get comfortable with, but after a while your feet start to get dirty but you can't stop wearing them because you don't know what life was like before you had them.

call me a hypocrite, i don't care, in fact, i'll give you the list of reasons why i am a hypocrite:
1. Greg Piotrowski
2. Harrison Wenger
3. Carter Schultz
4. Steve Newby

yes yes so i guess i had "long term" relationships with these people if you consider 3 months long term. either way i learned from them all and i made the rule to not have long relationships with anyone else after i broke up with each of them. so much for listening to my own rules. or any rules for that matter. "anarchy in the U.K." (i thought that was a lot funnier than it actually was because courtney didnt laugh at all)

Anyway, the fact of the matter is, lauren mangiaforte, that the entire world is a conspiracy and you ARE the goat around you and we are ALL against you. ME worst of all. no but seriously, dont stress about boys, you know youre better than that. lets just leave that to the much less creative type, because i'm sure you and i could both come up with something much more original to bitch about rather than the opposite sex. because petronella, you are B-E-A-UTIFUL! and soon enough everyone will understand. high school is lame ass anyway.

Its almost 11 and i have three finals tomorrow that i'm not looking forward to. I'm scared about school and about not getting into a good college and about letting my parents, and myself down. I've been analyzing myself lately, inbetween the fights with psychology notes and the unending hyperbolas and functions and ive started to notice change. change in myself, change in the way i feel, change in my outlook on life.

going into freshman year i was bleeding insecurities and trying to bandage them with green day patches. it failed miserably because even if my peers couldn't see through my careless front, i could, and it bothered me. Freshman year was hard for a lot of reasons, most of them not academic at all. It was the first year that i realized i couldnt manipulate the system anymore. teachers wouldn't bend the rules and i couldn't have the separate grading scale that i always had. There was more structure and less discussion. More reviewing and less learning. It was as though in the few months between 8th grade and 9th a new idea of appropriate behavior had developed in everyone but me, and my free-spirited attitude towards school needed to be broken. I was lagging behind socially because of intentionally blown first impressions and it seemed like it couldn't really get much worse until i was dropped from english. Average english taught me a lot of things including the fact that i, despite my unending list of insecurities and social inadequicies, am vain. It doesnt really matter now because im back in 308 but my superiority complex that had developed during first semester of freshman year had its downsides in 102 english. i got reprimanded for everything and was constantly fighting with all my teachers. High school just didnt seem to be looking up. i hadn't really met anyone new and i felt sort of stuck. After a big failing relationship, i realized what a psycho i was. i suppose i still am but i might just hide it better. i build walls now. a defense mechanism that is probably just as harmful as consistent paranoia and distrust. freshman year ended on a rather low note and nothing was really coming together the way i imagined it to

sophomore year wasn't much different. Gifted helped me to come into my own along with the winter play. i had found my niche, or so i thought. i have questioned it many times since then but that winter there was nothing that could have been more pleasing. sophomore year led to one much more sucessful relationship and more learning about me, which i wouldn't trade for anything.... well, almost anything. The trials and tribulations were in no way few and far between despite the more optimistic attitude i claimed to possess. Classes were boring and some were hard. or maybe i just didn't pay enough attention. whatever the reason may have been, school wasn't on my side, and still isnt. I was starting to realize that i wasn't as alone as i had once thought and that even though i had a bout with bad luck my first year, the teachers were starting to understand me. and even, dare i say, like me? whatever the case may be, i started to get along with most of my teachers, which was strange but also quite relieving. I was done trying to be a rebel and i focused primarily on figuring out how to get happy. this task was much more daunting and time consuming than i had originally anticipated, but i sought after the "answers" none-the-less. I didn't find them. but i did find out that I'm not good at geometry or chemistry, but getting an A paper back from Ms. Witham made me feel like i had actually done something worthwhile. My gifted project was similar. Even though the "point" of the project was complete bullshit that i had made up, the fact that i created what i did was just really cooll because i had never done it. The year ended on a mediocre note and while other people were deciding their future careers, i was still trying to figure out the "answers" to my complex questions that ultimately, had no answer. Happiness.

Junior year has been stressful to say the least. Sciences aren't for me and i wish i didn't have to take them. College, i'm realizing slowly, is actually a reality and not just some fictional resolution like at the end of a rainbow. Not that i would go so far as to compare high school to a rainbow because in the opinion of this author, the institution couldn't hold a candle to a rainbow or any form of natural beauty. Through this search for "the" right college, i managed to dig up another question from the past, and it was "should i have gone to wayland?" Wayland Academy, for those of you who don't know is a private boarding school in wisconsin that i was seriously considering transfering to after my tumultuous freshman year. My dad had been pushing it but i decided against it because of what other reason than, yes, "friends." I think the college decision would be much easier to make if i were at a boarding school, but the people i've met in the last few years have changed my life and i wouldnt trade that. But would i have met the same types of people at wayland who would have impacted me in the same or similar ways? i guess we will never know. College stresses me out along with my grades and the finals i have to take tomorrow because i'm unsure of myself and more unsure of my intelligence and things like finals are what i base everything off of. Its wrong i know, but its hard to change. My parents have been focused on one thing in my life regarding school "tests, tests, tests." Hence the overjoyed excitement when i, their precious daughter, pride and joy, had gotten into gifted. i guess it sort of boosted their morale and they thought that even if i was a little mentally unhinged, at least they could show of my intellect. boo to them for this because it only made things harder for me. B's were no longer acceptable for them or me. Nothing was ever good enough and my perfectionist attitude thrived on their brief moments of happiness. Am i a perfectionist now? i don't have the answer because i know i do procrastinate don't get me wrong, but i guess i do need to everything well. its not as bad as it was. or maybe it never was bad. i couldnt really say because there hasn't been enough time for me to actually reflect on that aspect of my life. I can, however, comment on the happiness question that ive tried so hard to answer. the only answer i've had and probably will have for quite a long time is no i'm not happy. i don't know how to change it and i don't know what else there is to say but my contact fell out so thjis is it.

So now i'm listening to sappy love songs and feeling pretty sappy and you know what? i don't feel bad about it. So what if I can relate to Adam Ant and not metallica? Who cares if lauren likes Frank Sinatra and not New Found Glory? NFG couldn't hold a candle to frank if they tried. These beyond sappy love songs are what manage to fill in the cracks of my mangled personality and keep me above this overly morbid reality known as high school. so while the rest of the school is caught up in their dramatic "depressive" episodes, i'll stay blinded to their attention starved antics, yes i'll be blinded by the light.

So now I try to keep up, I have been exchanging my currency. While a million objects pass through my periphery. Now I am rubbing my eyes because they are starting to bother me. I have been staring too long at the screen. But where was it when I first heard the sweet sound of humilty? It came to my ears in the goddamn loveliest melody. How grateful I was then to be part of the mystery, to love and to be loved. Let's just hope that is enough.



<3 lauren mangiaforte <3

gloryfades72: it does indeed. today since i didnt go to school i missed every club picture for the yearbook
gloryfades72: which of course is depressing because my sole purpose in high school is to do as many extracirricular activities as it takes for people to see me as a well balanced adolescent who know's where she's going in life

Auto response from GoHangGoneHung: ap euro

gloryfades72: and odds are slim to none that no one will ever seem me as such so why try right? good question. apparently it was the question of the day since i knowingly avoided or accidentally missed, this pictures. not only that but i missed the only class that i truly have passion for which is english. some might say that this passion will result in me being an english teacher but iw ould like to think otherwise. because though i respect all in the given field, only one exception, i can't see myself teaching anyone anything because i don't have the patience, or the right mindset. i am what i hate. which is, "i understand it, i dont get how you don't" probably not the best mentality for teachers so i figure i'll just keep my distance unless i suddenly develop an overwhelming sense of compassion and desire to help others achieve what i so willingly have strived to protect and save, the only real thing in life, the only thing that seperates us from our animal counterparts, our words!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
gloryfades72: but since i don't see this tidal wave of compassion coming anytime soon i might just drift aimlessly towards the idea of journalism
gloryfades72: which could be pretty cool
gloryfades72: so youre probably thinking wow audrey youre a 16 year old psycho who will never take life or herself seriously yet at the same time you take everything way TOO seriously. is this possible? maybe youre not thinking that at all or really thinking anything because i don't really say things that are remotely thought-provoking. and here i go just talking talking talking and for what? the distant hope that you'll understand and read this? maybe not even that maybe im just typing this formyself because i dont know where else or to who else i should talk about any of these things that i'm thinking about at 5 million mph and all these isssues i have with the american people and just people in general and all these people i see at school and who i think about constantly and not in a love kind of way but in a how do you live kind of way because sometimes i just don't understand and sometimes i just cant take myself. i'm too much and i feel like i'm too much for other people, and maybe i am but then what do i do? i don't ever calm down and i don't ever stop. i don't know where i'm going to school or if i'm even smart enough to go anywhere outside of illinois. what is smart? can someone define it for me and then tell me if i am? what does it mean to be smart? am i street smart? because i certainly don't feel like it. i feel like i just float around and bump into things here and there until someone snaps me out of it. but they dont even really get me out of it because i think im still floating around

Auto response from GoHangGoneHung: ap euro

gloryfades72: are people born smart? is it all biological? and if it is does that meanyour parents have to be really smart for you to be smart? because my parents didn't go to ivy league schools like some peoples parents did and they arent doctors or engineers but i still feel theyre smart. and i'm not really good at math. or physics. but i get along. but when i think about physics and other people getting it, and me not, then i don't understand anythng because people said iw as supposed to be smart so why don't i get phsyics? why do all these theories and equations make no sense? why am i so science retarded? i don't understand how this happens. and i feel like i'm not supposed to be like this. like im letting someone down or someting people i don't understand
gloryfades72: i feel like i'm letting myself down when i see people everyday who do perfectly well in APphysics and i'm just trying not to cry in an average level. and i mean the scores don't matter to me because it doesnt make a difference whether i have a B or an A but i would like to know what was going on once in a while and i would like to have some vague understanding of the concept at hand rather than putting all my energy into focusing on something that's going right over my head.
gloryfades72: because this doesnt make sense. and things usually make sense
gloryfades72: and i'm stuck because i feel too stupid to try and move.





ps. i love lauren mangiaforte and her wheel chair.

i am waiting for something to wrong
i am waiting for familiar resolve
i am waiting for another repeat
another diet fed by crippling defeat
and i am waiting for that sense of relief
i am waiting for you to flee the scene
as if you held in your hand the smoking gun
and on the floor lay the one you said you loved.

The more things change, the more they stay the same. I'm not sure who said that. Probably Shakespeare or maybe Sting. But at the moment, it's the sentence that best describes my tragic flaw; my inability to change. I don't think I'm alone in this. The more I get to know other people, the more I realize it's kind of everyone's flaw: staying exactly the same for as long as possible, standing perfectly still -- it feels better somehow. And if you're suffering...at least the pain is familiar. Because if you took that leap of faith, went outside the box, did something unexpected, who knows what other pain might be waiting out there? Chances are it could be worse, so you maintain the status quo; choose the road already traveled, and it doesn't seem that bad; not as far as flaws go. You're not a drug addict, you're not killing anyone...except maybe yourself a little.When we finally do change, I don't think it happens like an earthquake or an explosion, where all of a sudden we're this different person. I think it's smaller than that. The kind of thing that most people wouldn't see unless they looked really really close, which, thank God they never do. But you notice it. Inside of you, that change feels like a world of difference, and you hope that it is; that this is the person you get to be forever...that you'll never have to change again.

kudos to the MRI-ists who lied and said laurens leg was good to go. we appreciate it

mazeltov!

one is the lonliest number that you'll ever do
two can be as bad as one
its the lonliest number since the number one.
no is saddest experience you'll ever know
yes its the saddest experience you'll ever know
cause one is the lonliest number that you'll ever know
one is the lonliest number
even worse than two
its just no good anymore since you went away
no i spend my time just making rhymes of yesterday
one is the lonliest number
one is the lonliest number
one is the lonliest number since you went away
since you went away
one is the lonliest number
one is the lonliest number
one is the lonliest number
its just now good anymore since you went away
now i spend my time just making rhymes of yesterday
one is the lonliest number

Its about that time again, when the temporarily easygoing days are erased from memory and all that survives is the bitter aftertaste of a winterbreak wasted. i'd like more time to read more books that aren't school related. i'd like to be able to sit and read for hours and hours without the overhanging dread of APUS. yet the days linger on and their length only increases along with my inability to tolerate them. half way there and it seems like an eternity. i'm taking the SAT this month along with starting a playwriting class. axle is looking at me and i see the starvation for attention in his eyes. he jsut wandered into the bathroom to go through the garbage and i wonder what hes thinking while hes sifting through the dixie cups searching for the perfect one to bring to me. well tonight i'll read a book hopefully. now he'll get on the lovesac and relax. maybe . nope. oh well. its too hot in here i agree. i know i know the pointless entries are supposed to go on the livejournal but this one wasn't intentionally pointless. on well.

masochistically yours,
audrey

so i was thinking about mallrats and how i am one.

"Listen, not a year goes by, not a year, that I don't hear about some escalator accident involving some bastard kid which could have easily been avoided had some parent - I don't care which one - but some parent conditioned him to fear and respect that escalator!"

Brandi: Suitor number 3, is your kiss like a soft breeze, a firm handshake or a jackhammer?
Gil Hicks: Definitely a jackhammer, I'm in there with some pressure and when I'm done, you're not the same as before. You're changed.

"You're gonna listen to me? To something I said? Hasn't it become abundantly clear during the tenure of our friendship that I don't know shit?"

" Breakfast, shmreakfast. Look at the score, for Christ's sake. It's only the second period and I'm up 12 to 2. Breakfasts come and go, Rene, but Hartford, "the Whale," they only beat Vancouver once, maybe twice in a lifetime."

The Darkness is awesome. Well its a new year and i feel the same. my birthday is in a month and a half. seventeen should hopefully be a pretty normal year. but define normal. i finally bought the choke the book but much to my dismay its not THE choke just Choke. either way. i bought it. so i hope its good.

i used to think there was no one else who could ever be like me or understand me at all. i was all ready to pack up and move to wisconsin and attend a private boarding school away from my peers in schaumburg. i was ready to kiss this scene goodbye and meet new people and give myself a new name and life. then my mother gave me probably the only motherly and reassuring advice she ever will. maybe it was because she was about to burn 30 grand a year on a high school education for a daughter she didnt even really know. what compelled her to dish the advice out in the first place matters not. she said "before you decide if you want to go to wayland, you should decide if youre going there because youre running towards the school itself, or because youre running away from something else." it was then and there that i declined my acceptance to wayland accademy and my mom told them to stop calling because i didn't want to go there anymore. I'm glad i didn't because i found people who can relate to me on levels i didnt know existed. Courtney brings out the funny and lame part of myself that is the most apparent everyday, she also keeps me levelheaded about a lot of things and prevents me from wasting my money on stupid shit. Carter is someone who needs to be here but i can't exactly point out any specific thing he does, he just makes me feel good and i think thats pretty important. Lauren Mangiaforte has helped me realize that i am not as weird as i thought i was and she treats me as if i was living up to my actual potential instead of the slacker i am. but more importantly she helped me understand that i really CAN be serious, contrary to popular belief. and to these people, among others, i am forever indebted.


So here's to the R-rated movies and college acceptance letters that are SURE to come in the year 2004.