I hate when i'm listening to Itunes and it automatically switches to a new song randomly when the song ends and it goes from brand new to nirvana. I HATE IT. or it goes from like... something really slow and depressing to... steve miller band. because thats not the way i want my transitions! or the worst ever, Beastie boys to shakira! hahahahahaha. okay so i havent done any homework tonight and i havent showered yet. but i always feel gross in the morning when i shower at night so i dont know. im so conflicted. i mean i dont want to have wet hair on the way to school, but i dont want to have a greasy face and like gross hair. not like anyone would notice either way. BOOO to the world


I LOVE ELPHABA!

"Here we are, trapped in the amber of the moment. There is no why." - Kurt Vonnegut

maybe someday you will see.

Lay back baby and we’ll do this right
There’s blankets in back we can use
I’ll start the car, but we’ll stay in park
A quilt can kill us before fumes
Now’s the right time for a good song
Got something to say well I can’t
Do you feel bad, like I feel bad?
We’ll pour us a road, we’ll both drink and drive

...We could stay here
Stay here all night
No one will know us and the moonlight

Cause quitting alone will never get you drowning
Never get you drowning
Give Me Everything You Got Now
I don’t feel a single thing
Drag me out into the cold rain
Let it hover over me .

He could be that boy but i'm not that girl.

Audrey Billhymer
Hopeless romantic

you are the spider.

"Viva la N.R.A."- Ryan Morton

"Something is rotten in the state of Denmark."

Hamlet

Today I stayed home from school

I watched Miracle
I watched Emergency Vets
I ate a muffin
I ate ritz bitz sandwhiches
I watched part of Le Divorce
I slept
I avoided my Rice application
I avoided my calculus
I gave up hope of ever liking school again
I played with the dog
I went to panera with susan
I thought about what i wanted to be when i grow up
I didnt come up with any real conclusions

I'm confused about why so many schools want to knwo what you plan to major in and what you want to do with your life. I'm 17 and these people expect me to explain my life goals and ambitions, I'll tell your right now i can't do it. I couldn't sum it up in 500 or 5000 words. How am i supposed to know what i'm going to be doing in 10 years? how is it even realistic for me to make assumptions about my future. I'm assuming ill be doing something i like but honestly, nothing in high school has really struck that inner chord. What have i seen in the world? i've seen what my parents do and i've seen teachers, how could i come up with something based on what i know. the reason im going to college is to figure out what i want to do. isn't that what everyone does? i mean how many people can pick their career at age 17 and then be happy with that choice the rest of their lives? I don't know any and i would be hard pressed to find any middle aged person in the high point of his career who knew exactly what he wanted to do when he was a senior in high school. I don't think anyone should have to make that decision. I'm picking schools of interest based on what i am personally interested in, not necessarily what i want to do forever. Therefore i refuse to answer any more short answer questions on any applications that ask my why i want to go to this school and how it will help me achieve my career goals. I will tell these schools that my goal is to be happy and i think i could do that there.

I'm slipping into a blanketed depression and i don't know how or where it started but i can't get rid of it. I'm nervous for auditions already. I want to have a slumber party with tony. I hate feeling sorry for myself. I have to finish reading macbeth. I have to go jump off my roof. I ate too much again tonight.

Lets just end it all.

I don't want to be here anymore.

Surprisingly enough, the show was a success. i knew they could pull it off.

Last night i slept at laurens with susan and lindsay. It was almost too funny. we looked at Barney (the president's dog) and looked at his website. we watched Barney Reloaded and then read the questions that really lame people ask barney (pengwans). We all slept in lauren's room, which in itself was impressive, plus boomer came inthe middle of the night and sat in my spot. so i sort of layed on boomer for the rest of the night while he growled at lindsay. At about 3:30 in the morning lauren got oout "the jolly mon" book and decided to read aloud to us. susan passed out promptly and lindsay pretended to be imagining the pictures with her eyes closed. i actually listened to the story about bananaland and coconut island and the jolly mon. Today i went shopping with my mom after they freaked out because i didnt come home last night. I was realy hungry so we got a lot of food at dominicks. i called keiko but she said she had to write applications essays or some bull shit. since she did that i decided to get out my application stuff and figure out how i was going to manipulate my already written essays to sound liek they answer the questions that the UMN honors application asked. Reduce, reuse, recycle i always say.

Anyway the night at laurens was a nice break from our usual self-pity/pissed off/lamenting/tired/bored of life attitudes.

I think i have a lot of tests tomorrow but i'm not going to study and im probably not really going to even do much of my homework. i havent started macro and i dont know when i'm going to. i dont care either. this is me kissing opportunity goodbye.

A simple note before i avert my attention to my homework:

I miss Christopher Brady with all my heart and I love him. I always have. He should know.

Blithe smile, lithe limb
She who's winsome, she wins him.

Come see Little Women. Friday and Saturday. 7.30 pm. At Schaumburg.

Don't wish, don't start.
Wishing only wounds the heart
I wasn't born for the rose and pearl
There's a girl I know
He loves her so
I'm not that girl...


Happy Birthday Courtney!

I figure- why not? (instead of homework)

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
01. Audrey
02. Aud/Audge
03. Tuna

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
01. Skippystd
02. Tinkerbell5679
03. Belle561

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
01. German
02. irish
03. Scottish

THREE THINGS YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND:
01. Calculus
02. Love
03. How people can possibly like diet pepsi better than diet coke

THREE THINGS THAT ANNOY YOU:
01. Calculus
02. Inflation
03. Scratched DVDs

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
01. spiders
02. feeling vulnerable
03. college admissions

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
01. diet coke
02. pita chips
03. something to laugh at

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
01. purple adidas pants
02. RBF t-shirt
03. grandma sweater

THREE THINGS ON YOUR DESK:
01. diet coke cans
02. paper towel roll
03. monitor and keyboard

THREE THINGS YOU SAY THE MOST:
01. Oh my God
02. Damnit
03. Whooops

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS AT THE MOMENT:
01. Jimmy eat world
02. The Doors
03. the shins

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITES SONGS AT THE MOMENT:
01. Wicked- I'm not that girl (entire soundtrack)
02. That new Trick daddy song. haha. im not joking.
03. Cary Brothers- Blue Eyes

THREE PEOPLE YOU SPEND THE MOST TIME WITH:
01. Susan
02. Keiko
03. Courtney

THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOUR CLOSE FRIENDS:
01. they are hella funny
02. they put up with me
03. they laugh at my jokes

THREE THINGS YOU WOULD WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP :
01. Requited love
02. laugh at eachother's jokes
03. comfortable silences

THREE THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
01. eyes
02. sense of humor
03. hair

THREE THINGS YOU CAN'T DO:
01. calculus
02. study
03. care about school

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
01. reading
02. hanging out with the girlies
03. playing with puppy

THREE THINGS YOU WANT REALLY BAD RIGHT NOW:
01. another diet coke
02. to know all about cellular respiration
03. acceptance into boston college

THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING:
01. veterinary medicine
02. play wright
03. broadcast communications

THREE PLACES YOU WOULD GO ON VACATION:
01. Germany with Keiko
02. Hawaii
03. Australia

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
01. find my soulmate
02. travel all around the world
03. write a musical

Sitting on the floor doing macro I am thinking about anything but monetary function and policy. I realized that I take everything for granted. my friends, my parents, my dog. I just assume that i will always be living this lifestyle. Its about time for me to stop feeling sorry for myself because it doesn't make me feel any better. I need to stop hating myself because it doesn't ever get me anywhere. I shouldn't beat myself up about my weight or my grades or my intellect. Its just hard for me to like me, maybe because i know i'm really not a good person. But what am i supposed to be comparing myself to? I mean what does being a "good" person really mean anyway? Am i good compared to Mother Theresa? no. Am i good compared to Ms. duffy or hitler? Yes. But what is the platonic "good"? i feel like i am stuck is the allegory of the cave and there are no real examples of what life is supposed to be.
its not like plato dropped any hints.
Maybe thats the irony of it all. I feel so bad about myself because i compare myself to everyone else. Of course youre not supposed to compare yourself to others, that has been the message since day one, or has it? Why is there a class rank if you're not supposed to compare yourself? In the long run, no one is any better or worse than anyone else because that platonic good or evil has never existed. If it has, no one has noticed or mentioned it.
So are we all just shadows of something bigger?
Its no use debating it. I could watch donnie darko a thousand times and still not completely understand, but maybe it wasnt meant to be understood. and maybe not everyone was meant to be rank one. but maybe not. everyone is just competing for the same spotlight but what is it? the spotlight of life? and for who if not themselves? I'm tired of talking in circles and I'm tired of talking about Deus Ex Machina or satire. Is everyone's life contrived? Do we all choose our endings? and if so, to what extent? how much do we control versus how much the people in our lives control?
Aren't we all led astray by some sort of big bunny that could eventually result in our escape of death?
I'm tired of competing with the same people who always end up winning. The redundancy of my life thus far has left me feeling slightly put out. I do have a bio test on tuesday and the need to study more than the night before has been stressed for weeks, yet i still haven't studied, and why? do i enjoy failing? no. do i care about bio? sort of. I mean in the long run, what will this class along with all my other classes except english give me? what is the value, the real value of cellular respiration in plants? how does that help me? Yet i continue learning about fiscal policy and limits and bioenergetics and i cant help but wonder is this as good as it gets? Of course all must be taken with a grain of salt, but to sufficiently supress my unsatisfied feelings towards my senior year of high school would require more than a cup of salt let alone a grain.

All in all, I have succeeded in completely contradicting myself in less than 15 minutes while at the same time avoided doing my homework and going to bed at what most would consider a reasonable hour. the success rating for this post will not be high, but i am still somewhat glad i wrote it.

I am a sap and that is that.

You aren't the kind of person that I couldn't fall in love with, rather you are the kind of person that I could. And I'd like to spend an afternoon of laughing at ourselves, and hear all the wonderful things you might tell me. I'd watch your eyes gleam during that time of day when you can't really tell if it's day or night.

You save oceans baby.

So it looks like tonight will consist of pretending to study for bio and watching ocean's 11. It's kind of hard to describe how ive been feeling lately. I got yelled at twice during rehearsal today, once for not being productive and once for "being an ass." Apparently i'm cynical and unsympathetic. who knew? HAHEHEHshhA. i really dont want to be a "mean" person. i think maybe i'm just too sarcastic too often. I'm going to work on that. And what i've learned from Bridget Jones: Edge of Reason is that i want someone to love me just the way i am. I mean im not expecting that like tomorrow or anything, just a general statement that will probably stay accurate for years to come. Enough of that, I'm starting to sound like lauren. As amazing and interesting as this post is i think im going to be ending it abruptly.

darling, all of these awkwardjumpstartstalling conversations
mean much more to me than anything
when it comes down to me and you
and whether we're supposed to or not, we still will
we're so much better off than them

Happy Birthday Harrison.

"I am but one small instrument."

Ive been waiting for a breakdown and ended up with one at play practice. which was somewhat awkward but okay because strock was cool about it. so now im just listening to clarity and wondering what im going to do tomorrow with the cleaning lady coming at 8. i guess ill go do set construction but i have to go shop for props with susan. writing in this isnt making me feel any better. no one is perfect. not ever.

"don't try and stop me because i'm falling fast into this pit of fire which surrounds us all. in a blanket of fear that i've been wrapped in for years. don't try and stop me. you can't stop me."


"I took everything you let me have, and then I never loved you back."

This is my clarity.

If i set out to say something profound, it never ends up happening. Is that in itself a profound realization? I started reading macbeth today after school, before i fell asleep for 2 hours. Whenever i read shakespeare, i feel compelled to talk like shakespeare all the time. Maybe this is annoying? I don't know, i usually just talk in shakespeare to my dog. I run out of phrases to say pretty fast though and just end up saying out of order sentences. Woe is me.

HUZZAH!!!!

Itunes just started playing dashboard confessional and i can't turn it off. I'm just sappy on the inside. maybe its on the outside too.

Chief, McCloud!!!!


<3 MST3K <3

This is the dawning of the age of aquarius.
So the election has come and gone and much to the disappointment of our kerry supporters and my dad's more than liberal side of the family. Its funny that there is such an upset over the outcome, since Bush pulled off the popular vote and the electoral college. Maybe it is the lack of controversy that makes the democrats so upset. either way, 4 more years. and it looks like hollywood will be crying all the way into 2008. and that's just a damn shame.

In other news, its official that i am going to Cozumel with Emily for spring break. it is going to be fun, i know. i love mystery science theater 3000. I'm in love with november.

Today is a day of filling out applications and polishing essays and not knowing how to do calculus or macro. it sounds so incredible. i also need a hard copy of macbeth by... tomorrow. great. looks like im going to barnes and noble before the day is through.

i can't help it baby, this is who i am.

wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwhat an ugly day.