And so it comes to be, a day no longer here. A year spent in your shadows, pining over your absence. Where has it led me but to further discoveries regarding myself? It is only after this prolonged adventure lacking a climax that i call 2003 that i have realized that the most important moments were small and ordinarily glanced over without a second thought. in retrospect these moments were the ones that ultimately made the year worth surviving. Without your voice in my ears and your hand resting on the small of my back, i have been forced into the realization that i don't need you in my life and this obsession with your acceptance of me has left me blinded to all the beauty that the world truly does possess. It is only now that i am able to accept the reality of the situation. i understand now that the only person i will ever have to live for is myself. Regardless of whether or not you accept me or, for that matter, regardless of whatever you think of me, i will be able to live. In the months to come, i will let go of our 4 year obligation to eachother. i will cut myself free from the tethers that have kept me tied to you while you have never considered yourself bound to me in any way. who are you if not my first love? you are just a boy and from now on i will regard you as such. This charade of dancing in circles around the question of love has gone on for too long and i am no longer willing to let myself join the masses and be a fool for you. "you may, the memory of what has past half makes me hope you will, have pain in this. a very very brief time. and you will dismiss the recollection of it gladly as an unprofitable dream from which it happened well that you awoke."

in case anyone was curious of the outcome on that spider solitaire game, i won. i would just like to say that everyone is a hypocrite. sick. wait there's something funny that courtney said...

frack698: i think you deserve a pair of american flag flip flops possibly old navy?
gloryfades72: oh you sick bastard


so tonight or last night. i went mini golfing with.... cebo, carter, kevin, nick, and steve. it was pretty fun but my expectations of The Putting Edge were not exactly met. but maybe i just had them set to high. either way, i didn't do any homework. so long sunlight. this girl isn't going outside all weeeekend. i want a west highland terrier for my birthday named julius. well time for some sleep before i start bringing in the new year

-the patron saint of liars and fakes

I'm pretty thirsty but i don't really want to get up. i have courtneys swollen mouth on tape if anyones into that kind of thing. i'm not sure really what to say except i'm in the mood for a dvd but we i don't got a playa in my crib. well my room. oh well. i guess ill just settle for a sprite and another god damned game of spider solitaire.

so lauren posted her new years resolutions on her blog so i'm going to do the same thing.

1) no more fast food


wow that was easy alright so im not as determined as lauren but i know i cannot both like myself and other people all in the same year. thats just asking way too much. so i'll start small and maybe by the time im 45 ill be on the same track as her. it doesn't really make a difference though because no fast food is important and maybe ill be healthy and being healthy would lead to being more positive and optimistic. see i'm just simplifying lauren;s list and starting with the root cause of all my destructive behavior. because if i can blame my life on anything, its fast food.

in other news... i went downtown today and saw the Manet exibit. it was nice but i decided i like monet much better. sorry buddy. we went to urban outfitters too and i got mittens and a shirt that says "i <3 sloths" yeah nice? well fuck you. its clever. steve is sitting on my bed now. bored and i;m typing this. i suppose its time to go entertain him.

ps. i like the great gatsby. but i wish i could finish it so i could start apus and oh does anyone want to help me with the huck finn outline?yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyeah

"It was one of those rare smiles with a quality of eternal reassurance in it, that you may come across four or five times in life. It faced- or seemed to face- the whole external world for an instant, and then concentrated on you with an irresistable prejudice in your favor."

"when i came to visit you, thats when i knew that i could never have you. i knew that before you did. still im the one who's stupid"

sitting here with courtney. thinking about a lot of things and listening to motorcyle driveby, trying to decide my cd for carter. it will be good. yes. it will be.

i love number 5.

its christmas day and i'm online. i dont think its pathetic

i saw dana at church. cool huh?

dear my only reason for living,
you are the beauty i could only dream of possessing.
you are constant as the northern star.
you are the black ice invisible on february nights.
you are the unending humidity of mid-July.
you are a reminder of what i wish to someday aspire to.
you are the steady background support who has never craved the spotlight attention of my life yet has changed me entirely none-the-less.
you are my lobster.
you are my trust and desire.
you are the reason i get up in the morning.
and you dont even remember my name.





i wrote this during summer school.

Its christmas eve and steve just went home and now i'm thinking about carter and how i lost his gift and had to buy him something else. this bright eyes song reminds me of him. actually a lot of songs do but i think this one kind of makes me hurt a little when i hear it.

"all eyes on the calendar
another year i claim of total indifference
to here the days pile up
with decisions to be made
i'm sure all of them were wrong
into this song, i send myself
and with these drinks i plan to collapse and forget
this wasted year
these wasted years
devoted friends, they disappear
i'm sorry about the phone call and needing you
some decisions you don't make
i guess it's like breathing and not wanting to
there are some things that you can't fake
i guess that it is typical
to cling to memories you'll never get back again
and to sort through old photographs of a summer long ago
or a friend that you used to know
and there, below his frozen face
you wrote the name and that ancient date
and you can't believe he is really gone
when all that's left is a fucking song
i'm sorry about the phone call and waking you
i know that its late
but thank you for talking because i needed to
some things just can't wait."


to the one person who enjoys my company and is well aware of my flaws, who can see through my facades and likes me inspite of that. who never really gave up even when my childish antics got old. who helped me learn how to live with myself but was patient when i couldn't. who saw it as it was, and not what we wanted it to be; Merry Christmas, Carter.

i found my friendsfile yesterday that i had everyone fill out in aprilish? i guess it was funny

audrey... only


really funny. sometimes i just have to hit myself really hard and say "audrey, don't be so fucking ridiculous." i was saved by grace but destroyed by naivety. now who is grace and who is naivety? a few months ago or maybe less harrisonwent through his usual phase of wanting to be friends with me for 2 days. i guess i should be expecting an instant message in a few weeks then. thats great, hes as predictable as my period, which is, needless to say, not predictable at all. except you know its going to be there at the most inopportune times.


youre right, motorcycle drive by is an amazing song. it reminds me of you actually and the warm summer mornings with the windows down, and how the song made me feel at ease even though i wasnt. i could go on for hours about how applicable the lyrics are to my life but that would just be the epitome of redundancy so ill leave it at this
"I hope you take a piece of me with you.
And there's things I'd like to do
that you don't believe in.
I would like to build something,
but you'd never see it happen."

"Taste the salt and taste the pain,
I'm not thinking of you again.
Summer dies and swells rise,
The sun goes down in my eyes."

wallowing in my self-pity for days that turn into months that turn into years that turn into the rest of my life and i just watched it all go by without a word. unusual, or is it? the without a word part certainly is but am i really that extroverted?

tonight steve gave me my christmas presents. he bought me a watch and the newest nicholas sparks book. it was great but way too much.anyway we went to see lotr and it was good. considering i slept through the second one i thought i understood it partially. well then i came home and made some sugar cookies since i got new cookie cutters at "Le gormet chef" and i got this lobster but the cookies kept breaking when i tried to take them off the sheet. ohw ell.

so im sitting here on the floor in my room with disorganized furniture wondering how i got here. "here" i think meaning life in general. christmas is almost here and i dont feel ready for it. not yet. it doesnt even seem like december. life does move really fast, i guess, only while youre living it seems to take forever. maybe its better that life seems to last forever because we have time to ponder unanswerable questions into the hot and endless days of the neverending summers. or maybe it would be better if life only seemed to last the blink of an eye, to make sure we have motivation to do all the things we want to do instead of just procrastinating and putting things off until theres nothing left to put them off to. i cant decide.

"See the pyramids along the Nile
Watch the sunrise on a tropic isle
Just remember darlin' all the while
You belong to me

See the market place in Old Algiers
Send me photographs and souvenirs
Just remember when a dream appears
You belong to me

I'll be so alone without you
Maybe you'll be lonesome too, and blue

Fly the ocean in a silver plane
See the jungle when it's wet with rain
Just remember 'til you're home again
You belong to me"

i heard this song today and it bothered me because, well 1 because i couldnt tell who it was, and 2 because it seemed like something steve would say at me. or yell at me. i cant really remember the words or context much beyond the idea of someone trying to change someone else without realizing that they were expecting way to much and trying to change someone entirely and its wrong/ and despite this persons attempts to configure the opposites personality, he explains in the chorus that hes willing to stay and wait it out. thats just sad to me because i dont think i deserve it.

im a compass without a direction serving no purpose but bleeding into the night as if these lacerated wounds would never heal. i bear this cross to show the world i know who i am and where i stand. the universe is bigger than we thought so does that make my cross ironic? i stumble over words and fall over feelings, on my way down i hit myface on jagged rocks and stay bleeding until i'm dead. love is a panic as opposed to a picnic. and in ITS crippling brevity, this nervous habit is choking me. death by asphixiation as a clear cut reflection of my panic-stricken sense of self. failure by design? or just failure?

"you know the feeling when you get into a warm bath? well, you make me feel like a bath?"

its saturday morning and im ready to rock and roll. count your pennies kids, we're going to the circus.

so i'm just doing the aim express thing until i get my computer back

at the end of my day i found out
you weren't worth what i thought of you



this isn't love there on the backend of forever i wish i would never hurt again

SO i havent updated or been online lately because i dont have access to my computer because its not in my room. my room is painted and almost ready to be carpeted and when that is complete, i will be up and running again. i havent really been thinking lately anyway so updating this would do me no justice. im just checking up on things and playing a game of spider solitaire before returning to the daunting task of ap us. then i will make up an entire psychology project and do maht and i think thats it. well oh well. this weekend has been quick. im ready for break and imnot eating fast food any more

wow i just cant say anything right can i? great

can we say stressed out? yes, yes we can, and we can say it LOUDLY. i love lauren mangiaforte

Innocence lost.

In the naive years that make up my entire existence i've come to understand that no one ever really "gets it" in the end. We are all just wandering around hoping to run into someone who will laugh at your jokes and thinks you're funny even when youre not. Is there some fabricated plan to the rest of our lives or is everything just randomly thrown together. cross your fingers and hope they still love you in 50 years, 40 lbs, and a lot of wasted money later. I would like to believe that somewhere between the structured design and pointless wandering, there is a happy medium where people can find the love they deserve without having to throw themselves out in front of traffic. I'm not saying that i'm going to be expecting my soul mate to just magnetically collide into me, but i don't want to have to be searching up and down boardwalks with a sign. i don't know where i'm going with this. its too late for a heated debate against myself. i havent studied enough ap us. but i need to get sleep. so i'll deal with these ideas later

i'm not sure what to say, or if i have anything new to say at all. i could quote postal service on how i feel at the moment. do you ever look at a picture and wish you could remember exactly how you felt at that moment? that happens to me a lot with pictures of me when i was little. i just wonder what i was thinking about, and if i was happy, and if i knew that my parents were never around or if i just thought that was normal. i found a picture of steve and he looks sad which is different for pictures of him because he usually just looks angry. either way, i was just wondering what he was thinking about.


"i want to take you far from the cynics in this town and kiss you on the mouth. We'll cut our bodies free from the tethers of this scene, start a brand new colony."

heres another one. i hope its the last one for a while. i just cant stop

i n f o r m a t i o n
1. name: Audrey
2. single or taken: single
3. sex: Female
4. birthday: 2/14
5. sign: Aquarius
6. siblings: Eric
7. hair color: brown
8. eye color: blue
9. shoe size: 10
10. height: 5'9
11. favorite foods: chicken fingers and ranch and enchiladas
12. hometown: Schaumburg

r e l a t i o n s h i p s
1. who are your best friends?: Courtney Chris Ali and Carter
2. do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: no
3. did you send this to your crush?: No
4. did your crush send this to you?: No
5. longest relationship?: over 6 months, ic ouldn't give exact dates
6. how many actual relationships have you been in?: 5
7. how many people have you kissed?: 9
8. are you shy around your crush?: haha no
9. do you indulge in random hook-ups?: no
10. still have feelings for anyone you've been in a past relationship with?: yes
11. do you know what it feels like to be in love?: yes
12. would you sacrifice your favorite possession for your best friends?: definitely

f a s h i o n | s t u f f
1. where is your favorite place to shop?: american eagle
2. have any tattoos or piercings?: no
3. what is your favorite thing to wear?: hollister pants and r.b.f.
4. what is a must have accessory?: my watch
5. how much is the most you've ever spent on a single item of clothing?: umm maybe $50?
7. who is the most fashionable person you know?: Lindsay
8. who is the least fashionable person you know?: me
9. do you match your belt with your hair color?: No
10. what is the worst thing you've ever thought looked good: some pretty ugly purses
11. what are you wearing right now?: soccer shorts and a tank top
12. how many pairs of shoes do you own? id say just over 25
13.what is the worst trend you see today?: buckling belts on the side or the back. so lame. everything at H and M

s p e c i f i c s
1. do you do drugs? no
2. what kind of shampoo do you use?: herbal essensessensees
3. what are you most scared of?: spiders i guess
4. what are you listening to right now?: nothing
5. who is the last person that called you?: uhhh steve
6. where do you want to get married?: somewhere warm
7. how many buddies are online right now?: 12
8. what would you change about yourself?: i think id change everything except my flawless sense of style
9. what are essentials in your life?: friends, books
10. if you had the power to do any one thing, what would it be? fly
11. what nationality are you?: German/Irish
12. do you send out holiday cards each year?: my parents do

h a v e | y o u | e v e r
1. given someone a bath? yes
2. smoked?: yes
3. bungee jumped?: no
4. made yourself throw up?: yeah, i used to think that was the only way i could stay home from school.
5. skinny dipped?: Yeah
6. made yourself cry to get out of trouble?: yeah, it doesnt work
7. cried when someone died?: yeah
8. fallen for your best friend?: Yes
9. been rejected?: yeah
10. rejected someone?: Yeah
11. used someone?: no

c u r r e n t
1. hair: flat ass
2. music: none
3. make-up: some left over from last night
4. annoyance: axle and eric
5. scent: pancakes downstairs
6. favorite artist: jackson pollock
7. favorite group: blink 182
8. desktop picture: this cinderella thing
9. book you're reading: huck finn, walden
10. cd in player: saves the day
11. dvd in player: lock stock and 2 smoking barrels
12. color of toenails: none

c h r i s t m a s | w i s h | l i s t
1. Love
2. Money
3. Video Camera
4. Sweaters
5. Dvds/cds

i hope you're happy now, because i'm not, and he's not.

Once on a yellow piece of paper with green lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Chops"
because that was the name of his dog
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and a gold star
And his mother hung it on the kitchen door
and read it to his aunts
That was the year that Father Tracy
took all the kids to the zoo
And he let them sing on the bus
And his little sister was born
with tiny toenails and no hair
And his mother and father kissed a lot
And the girl around the corner sent him a
valentine signed with a row of X's
and he had to ask his father what the X's meant
And his father always tucked him in bed at night
And was always there to do it

Once on a piece of white paper with blue lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Autumn"
because that aws the name of the season
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and asked him to write more clearly
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because of its new paint
And the kids told him
that Father Tracy smoked cigars
And left butts on the pews
And sometimes they would burn holes
That was the year his sister got glasses
with thick lenses and black frames
And the girl around the corner laughed
when he asked her to go see Santa Claus
And the kids told him why
his mother and father kissed a lot
And his father never tucked him in bed at night
And his father got mad
when he cried for him to do it.

Once on a paper torn from his notebook
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Innocence: A Question"
because that was the question about his girl
And that's what it was all about
And his professor gave him an A
and a strange steady look
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because he never showed her
That was the year that Father Tracy died
And he forgot how the end
of the Apostle's Creed went
And he caught his sister making out on the back porch
And his mother and father never kissed
or even talked
And the girl around the corner
wore too much makeup
That made him cough when he kissed her
but he kissed her anyway
because that was the thing to do
And at three A.M. he tucked himself into bed
his father snoring soundly

That's why on the back of a brown paper bag
he tried another poem
And he called it "Absolutely Nothing"
Because that's what it was really all about
And he gave himself an A
and a slash on each damned wrist
And he hung it on the bathroom door
because this time he didn't think
he could

"You guys, you made me ink."
"See this tenticle? its actually shorter than all my other tenticles, but you really cant tell especially when i twirl like this."

id do anything for you. and you probably don't know this is about you. youre a great friend i just wish i saw you more often. i guess its hard to keep up with everything. i wish it wasnt. you like me the way i am and i guess that just. i dont know. i just wish you knew. yeah somethings wrong but i just cant put my finger on it.

who loves outkast besides me? hhhheyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy ya. don't try to fight the feeling cuz the thought alone is killing me right now. this is putting me in a better mood

does anyone have a medicine for melancholy? how about some thoreau? walden and civil disobedience?

homework is such a comforting consistency. i had 4 hours today. i'm gonna shake it like a polaroid picture.

lets see funniest thing today? i want to record it. i think it might have been ryan wearing white socks. or maybe him telling me about yasmeen falling asleep in apus. i wish i could have been there. or maybe the funniest thing was me telling mrs lopez that dan and i were just discussing our wedding plans and then dan confessing to me after class that he was having second thoughts.

this is the last time we'll be friends again. ill get over you. you'll wonder who i am. and theres this burning, just like there's always been. ive never been so alone. and ive never been so alive.


I go home to the coast,
It starts to rain,
I paddle out,
On the water,
Alone,
Taste the salt and taste the pain,
I'm not thinking of you again,
Summer dies and swells rise,
The sun goes down in my eyes,
See this rolling wave,
Darkly coming to take me,
Home

I'll be the fire escape that's bolted to the ancient brick where you will sit and contemplate your day.

i baked you a cake but i threw it away along with the ashes left over from when i burned your pictures. and these pathetic attempts to gain your acceptance fail repeatedly and now its clear to me that "i was the one worth leaving"

"Reality is a sliding door."

I'm lost without a compass. Mislead and misunderstood. did i turn out the way you thought i would? i will never see the world in the hues you do, because the hues you choose are not the hues i use, because the hues i use are only blues. it was only when i jumped into the deep end that i realized i had been drowning all along. self-image ends here. make up or no make up, i'll never be who you want me to be. as hard as that is to swallow, i think i'll make it out alive. changing identities as flowers wilt to brown. you write about the love that was never me. it looks like i'm giving up the fight before i take the final punch. in its crippling brevity i learned how to wake up. does that mean something? judge me please. who am i? if you know, then the answer must not be hard to find. whats the point? was there ever one? somewhere in the distance a little girl is screaming. i hear it faintly, fading to the background music that i have super imposed onto my life. i am static. judge me more. if i drown out everyone else, maybe i can do the same to myself. i'm sinking without a struggle, because its so much easier getting washed out to sea.

Its pretty early on the sunday before the end of the world and i'm sitting here thinking about my life, and the lives of other people. i think i will write a book before i die. a novel, fiction. teen crap most likely because i feel like that's all i know and that's all i could write about. a novel about succumbing to the majority and learning to live with yourself after youve conformed to the idealist society's seemingly perfect image of you. maybe it won't be about me. maybe it will be about someone i know. but either way i feel like that topic could get dark and messy. either way thats what i live for. the drama and the fights and the love and the tears, they make me smile and sometimes laugh like the cynical bitch that i am. not really. i wish i could sleep more, i have yet to understand why i can't. i get so tired. but i just cant sleep. i need to finish killer angels today. i was reading jeanaes live journal and it makes me really sad. maybe because i know that i still think about her on a regular basis and she doesn't of me. but i don't really think thats why its upsetting. i think i feel helpless when i read it, because i dont know her, maybe i never did. but the realization that i have no idea who she is makes me feel lost because i've changed so much and so has she. so has everyone i think, except a select few. who would have thought 3 years could do so much. ive never really looked at my life like a timeline but when i do, i can see exact moments when things ended and new things began. as tacky and overused as it may seem, i can look at my life as a garden, and most of the flowers are temporary, seasonal, staying only a few months and then leaving with the summer heat, but there are those flowers that started not in full bloom, but as bulbs that needed to be carefully buried. these flowers return every year without replanting, they are deeply rooted in the soil that is my life and come back without trial and hardwork, or maybe it is because they never left in the first place, the bulbs still resting in the dirt. of course there are weeds in the garden and without proper tending to, they will envelop the rest of the plantlife. but the beauty of the flowers, despite the length of their visit, manages to overpower the ugliness of the weeds. it is sad however, when flowers you thought were bulbs, turn out to be nothing more than a week taproot, or perhaps dicot. i suppose there are some parts of nature that we weren't meant to understand. the brevity of the flowers, the brevity of my friendships, or maybe its just the brevity of life.

[name ]: audrey
[ nicknames ]: audrey i guess bill is one
[ resides in ]: schaumburg.
[ good student ]: youre god damned right i am
[ eyes ]: blue
[ hair ]: brown and short
[ shoe size ]: 10

x.do you.x
[ smoke? ]: no
[ do drugs? ]: no.
[ have sex? ]: no
[ sleep with stuffed animals? ]: just jenny and daryl bill
[ have a dream that keeps coming back? ]: not really
[ play an instrument? ]: not really
[ believe there is life on other planets? ]: definitely
[ remember your first love? ]: i do
[ still love him/her? ]: i do
[ read the newspaper? ]: not often
[ consider love a mistake? ]: no, far from it.
[ like the taste of alcohol? ]: no i do not
[ believe in god? ]: yes i do
[ go to church? ]: yes i do
[ have any secrets? ]: i guess
[ have any pets? ]: ohhhhhhhhhhhhh axle
[ talk to strangers who instant message you? ]: no, except this guy.... jose and his sn was blinkfreak and he lived in sandiego. i dont reaslly know how i started talking to him but i kept that up for a while back in the day- tinkerbell5679 R.I.P.
[ wear hats? ]: yes
[ have any piercings? ]: no
[ have any tattoos? ]: no. i'm getting one that says sic transit gloria... glory fades. i have to wait till after college though, which means it wil never happen.
[ hate yourself? ]: indeed
[ have an obsession? ]: indeed
[ collect anything? ]: hmm shoes. i'm funny now huh?
[ have a best friend? ]: oh yes.
[ like your handwriting? ]: no i'm kind of pissed at it
[ have any bad habits? ]: define bad
[ care about looks? ]: i would be lying if i said i didn't. in fact any person would. its human nature to make initial judgements based on physical appearance, now i would be correct in saying i DO evaluate my judgements more closely and carefully after they are made and reconsider my first thought, but the deed has already been done.
[ boy/girlfriend's looks? ]: what does it all mean?
[ friends and other people? ]: my friends are beautiful
[ believe in witches? ]: why the hell not.
[ believe in satan? ]: not quite sure at the moment
[ believe in ghosts? ]: no. sorry court. ha

x.current.x
[ dress ]: jeans and a white tank top
[ mood ]: refreshed
[ music ]: the postal service
[ hair ]: wet.
[ annoyance ]: eric
[ smell ]: carmex.
[ thought ]: axle shut the fuck up
[ book ]: the killer angels
[ fingernail color ]: none
[ Refreshment ]: mehhhhhhhh nothign
[ worry ]: that im gaining weight. sick
[ Favorite Celebrity ]: john cusak, russell crowe ahhhhhhhh

x.last person.x
[ you touched ]: the dog counts so him
[ you talked to ]: my brother when i kicked him out of the shower
[ you hugged ]: my grandpa
[ you Instant messaged ]: that would have been on wednesday.... i dont know
[ you yelled at ]: lame ass eric
[ who broke your heart ]: harrison, and that was years ago
[ kissed ]: steve

x.who do you want to.x
[ kill ]: marco
[ slap ]: axle why are you barking?
[ tickle ]: courtney
[ talk to ]: courtney
[ have sex with ]: no one
[ kiss ]: courtney
[ be like ]: courtney

I'm home. so thats cool and now i did a quiz that i took from alyssas live journal. these are purely for my own enjoyment and i do them primarily out of sheer boredom.

I'm of foul temperament at the moment. My discontent seeded in the overwhelmingly boring weekend ahead of me that will encompass me reading several novels in indianapolis "the mecca of american culture," if you will. Throughout the elongated weekend, i will be spending 3 of the 4 nights reading and then going to bed at 10:30. This may seem a somewhat petty matter for such cold-hearted resentment, but my days off are few, and my friends, fewer. So i will be returning saturday morning with one day to go before ill-willed sunday shows his miserable face. Thanks, abraham lincoln, but no thanks. I will have to pass this holiday up in spirit. This should be a disgruntling stay, for lack of a better word. I need to pack but updating this is my seemingly non-vocal expression of my opinion which, to say the least, has gone over looked for far too long. haha. I also need to go buy Killer Angels. an exciting task no doubt. I miss carter, hows that mother fuckers?

poetry, so sweet and comforting, may lead to the end of us all.

Like violence
You have me
Forever and after
Like violence
You kill me
Forever and after

well the image isnt showing up right now on this layout so i dont know whats up. i dont really care though. at least not right now. ill fix it later. or something

Well the play was a success. it was really fun and i wish we could have performed more than twice but it was worth it none the less. thank you everyone who came and saw i hope you enjoyed it as much as we did. now that its over im somewhat sad but definitely ready to move onto a more serious role. so i hope we do something cool for the winter play.

well its almost time to go to school to get ready for the second and final performance of CINDERELLA. its been fun. but now its time to be over. i'm kind of sad and kind of glad. its the most bittersweet ending to experience. its so easy to make really good friends when youre around them for up to 9 hours a day. thanks for everything guys, really.

Writing is hard when you don't know how to focus. as long as i live i dont believe ill ever find anyone better focused than Carter. the word formation and sentence structure. i can't even write on this about it. i feel inferior. but when it boils down to literary genius, i'm no second place to carters undeniable victory. if anything ever moved me, it was his words. if anyone ever taught me, it was he. if anything ever burned me, it was my desire to obtain his abiities. i am not he. and he is not me. as frustrating and hard for me to grasp as that concept is, i must admit my life's somber defeat, but not in a somber tone at all. because i have been moved more by his words and feelings in than by the act of living itself, and for that i am grateful and have not been defeated, but enlightened. i could never forget.

Carter reminds me of Edgar Allen Poe

I have nothing cool to say today except im not done with my apus yet and im predicting to stay up until about 130. no one really made me smile today so ic ant write about it here. damn. i know youre all really sad about it huh? too bad people can't comment and tell me how cool/funny i am and how much they love me. so sad. ohhhh i'm crying about it right now. this is me being a bitch. AHhAHAHAHahhaah. well i'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown or anxiety attack but im still in the denial stage so its okay. the fall play is going to fucking rock because we fucking rule. this is hands down the best cast EVER. man right about now i'm really wishing you could comment and tell me you love me. i really need to hear it at least 18 times a day or i get depressed. :( i also wish i could write really nice comments on here about some things people said to me. hmm let me go through my conversations and try to find a good one eh?!


a l i c a t 108 (5:08:06 PM): are you ready to write that paper for me yet?

Atreyu05 42 (1:28:17 AM): I like blogs

H1 SP1KED (11:04:01 PM): was "i have to pee" an expression or a figure of speech?

Chaos6575 (5:33:31 PM): talk to you later, emo punk rocker

leggy410 (10:44:53 PM): i may be taken in by all the gays down there...

frack698 (10:40:39 PM): so light and so bright thats pretty nice

frack698 (12:41:44 PM): youve got some reading to do miss

frack698 (10:26:35 PM): .yeah luz is an amazing woman.


i actually think those comments are better than the thousands of messages i get everyday from people telling me they love me. on top of that, it would be pretty difficult to sift through those thousands of messages to try and find the perfect ones without hurting peoples feelings. i wouldnt want anyone to feel left out because i didnt include their display of affection towards me in my blog. this is still me being a bitch. hahahahahaha and this is me going back to my homework. that took way too long

its getting closer. and hell week is getting stressful. i know i'm tired of it. and just tired in general.

"this is your ghost that kneels before me
razers on her tongue, a body full of oxygen
it wont be the last time she'll ignore me
the thinning of my skin, without the strength to go
the winter's setting in, to cover you in snow"

something corporate

today it is really bad outside. i feel kind of like the weather. this is my new template for the winter. so enjoy. i lik eit. its not as depressing as i would like but i guess it will do. i wish this was what schaumburg looked like during the winter. i need to look for hairstyles for the play.

WHO: ME, LAUREN MANGIAFORTE, DANA PETERS, MIKE O'NEILL, TIM SHAW, LINDSAY BUKIET (SPELLING), AND ALLIE WALKER, ALONG WITH DANCERS.
WHAT: CINDERELLA
WHERE: THE CARL WEIMER AUDITORIUM
WHEN: NOVEMBER 21ST AND 22ND (NEXT FRIDAY AND SATURDAY)
TIME: 7:30
PRICE: $7.00 FOR ADULTS, $5.00 FOR STUDENTS AND CHILDREN

Don't ever watch halloween 3.

okay forget that thing about ladylazarus. courtney just informed me that its a gay sn and it shouldnt be mine. so thats gone. but now i have - gloryfades72- so thats what i have now put that on your buddylist instead. so. thats that.

blashhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhui guyfuvktf

My sn is blocked on aim. that being skippystd. so im using a new sn - LadyLazarus72- until further notice. i dont have a buddylist to upload and i cant remember anyone so just im me on that. yeah?

i just found a friend in one of your lies

---Listen, here's the clever one who speaks before his thoughts are done.---

skippysTd: so youre not interested?
GoHangGoneHung: welll......i really wanna see matrix
GoHangGoneHung: or kill bill
skippysTd: well how about elf?
GoHangGoneHung: no. i actually hate elf.
skippysTd: why?
GoHangGoneHung: im not quite sure
skippysTd: well maybe you should give it a chance
GoHangGoneHung: i know, but my priority is matrix
GoHangGoneHung: or kill bill
skippysTd: well what about else?
skippysTd: elf* haha
GoHangGoneHung: i dont think i could succumb
skippysTd: you could give it a shot?
GoHangGoneHung: audrey, you dont understand. if i went to the movies, i would have to see matrix or kill bill.
skippysTd: i think i could prevent that from happening
GoHangGoneHung: im not so sure
GoHangGoneHung: ive been lifting

Happy Birthday Harrison.

Today was gonna be the day
That they're gonna throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you gotta do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do
About you now

Backbeat the word is on the street
That the fire in your heart went out
I'm sure you've heard it all before
But you never really had a doubt
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do
about you now

And all the roads we have to walk are winding
And all the lights that light the way are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to you
But I don't know how
I don't know how

Because maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
And after all
You're my wonderwall

Today was gonna be the day
But they'll never throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you're not to do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do
About you now

But all the roads that lead you there were winding
And all the lights that light the way are blinding
There are many things that I would like to say to you
But I don't know howI don't know how

I said maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
And after all
You're my wonderwall

I said maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
And after all
You're my wonderwall

I said maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me

I hope today works out. I hope you're right, I hope you've changed.

I want a lover I don't have to love,
I want a boy who's so drunk he doesn't talk.
Where's the kid with the chemicals?
I got a hunger and I can't seem to get full.
I need some meaning I can memorize.
The kind I have always seems to slip my mind.

I talk in the mirror
To the stranger that appears
Our conversations are circles
Always one sided
Nothing is clear
Except we keep coming back
To this meaning that I lack
He says the choices were given
Now you must live them
Or just not live
But do you want that?

"I have to remind myself that these emotional experiences are reasonable and discrete unto themselves. They don't have to precipitate a depressive episode. It takes me a long time to realize that when i get upset about something it doesnt mean that the tears will never stop. it is so hard to learn to put sadness in perspective, so hard to understand that it is a feeling that comes in degrees, it can be a candle burning gently and harmlessly in your home, or it can be a full-fledged forest fire that destroys almost everything and is controlled by almost nothing. it can allso be so much in-between."

prozac nation

So i'm talking to chris about life in general and the unmentionable topics of which i am constantly searching for guidance and direction. In an ideal world i wouldn't need this guidance, and if i did i would be able to guide myself or rely on fate to take me to my ultimate and only true destiny. Since this isn't anywhere near an ideal world i turn to chris on a regular basis to keep me grounded and to make sure my feelings don't get away from me. and this brings us to the always tumultuous topic of, dare i say it, "love" and its uncertainties and entanglements.

but without these uncertainties life and love would be dull right? maybe. but maybe not. does more structure or familiarity, more consistancy, does that necessarily mean dull? i've never been much for structure, but i think chaos and love go hand-in-hand and sometimes that can be too much.

is asking for things to turnout right this time asking for too much? am i ever going to know who i am really supposed to end up with. i would like to think that i am part of some master plan, something greater than myself. but carter claims thats only because i am in denial of my insignificance in the world and i refuse to take responsibility for my own actions as a person. the reality of the situation is neither carter nor myself will ever REALLY know who is right. and no one will ever be able to prove or prove wrong the idea of fate and destiny.

could the person you fall in love with when youre 13 end up being the person you spend the rest of your life with? does serendipity exist or is it just something people tell themselves to try and feel less alone. i feel like i have a few kinks in my heart that won't ever be completely worked out. just like there are places in my heart that will never be refilled or replaced.

but there are so many things that have to be taken into consideration and i have trouble doing that. but if theres only one thing i can get from any of this its

you cant bury the past with the present.

ive taken that to mean you cant move on until youve gotten rid of the past and accepted it and really wanted to move on. a relative quote from a book recently read, yes billy budd is this

time is a mason

this also to me, means that time is your foundation and you need to have a strong and clean foundation before you can start building anything up from it. so maybe my initial foundation has yet to be swept clean and this is preventing me from making any major leaps and bounds in terms of building the rest of whatever it is that im building. i don't know if i will ever really be sure of anything.

I am heaven sent. don't you dare forget. i am all you ever wanted.


i am the cause to all your problems.

well i'm listening to boston again. how does everyone feel about that? oh yeah YOU CANT COMMENT SO IT DOESNT MATTER! well comment on my dead journal and tell me how you feel about me listening to boston. Its pathetic because right now im laughing because i think im so clever.

It was in the march of the winter I turned 17
that I bought those pills
I thought I would need
and I wrote a letter to my family
said it's not your fault
and you've been good to me
just lately I've been feeling
like I don't belong
like the ground is not mine to walk upon
and I've heard that music
echo through the house
where my grandmother drank by herself
and I sat watching a flower
as it was withering
I was embarrased by it's honesty

so I'd prefer to be remembered as a smiling face. not this fucking wreck. that's taken it's place

so please forgive what I have done
no you can't stay mad at the setting sun
cause we all get tired I mean eventually
there's nothing left to do but sleep

I am finally seeing why I was the one worth leaving

"now i can be clasped comfrotably, nestled, in your harmonious arms"

carter did you see that fucking shit man? god. hdgopi dfho;idgh fuck. lets vent. call me.

weirdest comment of the day-

Tenngolfer59: i want you to dance with a sasquatch

"who in the rainbow can show the line where the violet ends and the orange tint begins? distinctly we see the difference of the colors, but when exactly does the one first blendingly enter into the other? so with sanity and insanity."- billy budd

"I'm not here. this isn't happening. i'm not here. i'm not here."

i believe in medication


ITS SO UPLIFTING. FUCK YEAH.

i was barely off the medication when the walls started closing in again.

is this worth it?
tell them that i truly tried.

I AM THE CAUSE TO ALL YOUR PROBLEMS. I HOPE YOU COME DOWN WITH SOMETHING THEY CAN'T DIAGNOS, DON'T HAVE A CURE FOR

OH IT HURTS TO BE THIS GOOD


OKAY, I BELIEVE YOU, BUT MY TOMMY GUN DON'T.

i believe in medication and i believe in therapy
and i believe in crystal light
cause i believe in me yeah
it's so uplifting
fuck yeah
i barely have motivation
they say i suffer from a lack of serotonin synapses
they happen too infrequently for me to be functioning properly
i took the pills i took the advice the panic stopped
but i'm still not right
racing thoughts and wasted time
it's the same old story-line
this is my nursery rhyme and it goes:
i believe in medication and i believe in therapy
and i believe in crystal light
cause i believe in me yeah
it's so uplifting
fuck yeah
i'm barely off the medication
and now the walls are closing in again
i can't breathe and i can't bleed
will you be my alibi?
tell them that i truly tried to give in?

Last call for societal knockdowns
Smashing my endeavors
Cuz they’re based on someone else’s song
Melodrama and a bottle of wine, yea
Here’s to self expression
Here’s to every one night stand
Bring back the days that fell behind
I’m a waste of conversations in the corner of an empty room

A-bi
C-co
C-sc
S-ne
G-pi
M-gi
D-be
C-le
H-we


courtney's a working woman.

you dont think i understand. little holes in parachutes won't leaving and if they do, its because you want land.

carter, you thug master.

i'll get over you. i know i will. i'll pretend my ship's not sinking. and ill tell myself i'm over you, cause im the king of wishful thinking.

its funny when someone thinks they know everything thats going on and so they jump to conclusions and place false accusations on people for things they know nothing about. this is funny because if they really knew what was going on, or even had the faintest idea, they'd feel pretty fucking bad for the shit they just pulled. its lame to talk shit. so give it up.

Shes not aN idiot. if anything she locked on before anyone else the personality being cultivated. she is muy inteligente. haha.

darling, all of these awkwardjumpstartstalling conversations
mean much more to me than anything
it comes down to me and you
and whether we're supposed to or not, we still will
we're so much better off than them

Thanks Carter. and Thanks Chris.

i LOVE brand new. LOVELVOELVOEOVELVLEVOEVLEOVELVOELVOEVLOVE

ill leave on the final note of


"How about that election of 1800"


so until further notice, this is audrey bilasfhskyfoisujvno signing off.

due to "problems at school" the updates on this site will be less and less frequent until i save past posts and copy every single one of them onto a new blog that teachers at school do not have access to. i dont really want to get rid of this. and i probably won't. since the choke is a big name that has a lot of stuff going on under it, i might just create a new blog, an *underground* one if you will, that way i wont have to delete any other blogs that just may be registered under this user name. so my day didnt suck enough before all this happened, thanks everyone who made it possible. but no serious thanks to certain teachers who really made me feel better. i'm not putting any names down because now teacher(s) at school know this site and iw ouldnt want them to feel excluded from my praise. there are though, some teachers at schaumburg that deserve a lot of respect and theyve really changed me a lot and its quite a visible change to most, but in environments where i just don't see the real effort to reach out and impact students, my behavior is less than dignified.


NHS is overrated and monica long has formed the newer and much better club of NQHS which would stand for not quite honor society. so i plan to actually follow up on this club. i want t-shirts?i think that would be cool? maybe not. so that is the life isnt it? i'm trying to not care soo much about these petty things that rank high in our superficial highschool society. ill make a new blog but in the mean time check up on my dead journal since no one in d211 knows THAT user name. id link it here but that would kind of defeat the purpose eh?

well i didnt get into NHS because im a moron.

"appARENTLY"

i've got a motivation problem so my standard break from life is getting longer

i wish i could waste my time without wasting all of your time. you say im fixable, a classic case, lack of will. i say i dont want to try, i'd rather sit here ALL NIGHT.

I'm glad you can't comment on this anymore, because no one commented, so it kind of seemed pointless.

I'm just listening to the new blink 182. i gotta regret rightnow. i'm feeling this. i am really. i can't wait till the cd comes out because im going to be all over that. turn all the lights down now. my breathing just got too loud. i got yelled at today at play practice because im so negative.

im a bitch.

and i have a huge ZIT on my forehead and its the kind that doesnt pop, it just sits there and hurts. FANTASTIC. oh ha.

by the way, tomorrow, october 8th, is Alexandra Chmiel's 17th birthday. i have yet to get a present but i plan on doing that soon. lol. pretty soon yeah.

ive had long black veil stuck in my head all day. it makes me really depressed. life in general depresses me. my apathetic outlook on life is shadowed by a long black veil itself. i still don't know what color to paint my room

im going to new york with Courtney and my mom on thursday. so that should be cool. life is tough right now. i'm not sure where i'm going. i know who i was, but i still dont know who i am.

i don't know what you heard about me, but a bitch cant get a dollar out of me.

i'm a mother fucking P-I-M-P.

does she like me cuz im from new york?

so the only way to really archive on this thing is to show the last 50 days posts. i hope everyone is as amused with that as i am.

I'm sorry that i'm such a mess, i drank all my money could get. I took everything you let me have and then i never loved you back.

i'm sickly

And I will flail under these lights that seep down from the bitter sky tonight
and I will kick and beat my wrists together and feel an ocean breathing waves, feel them licking at my face.
Ceilings don't exist and there are no floors beneath me.
If I were king of this night, would you become my queen?
And I hope, your majesty that you like your position.
I'll do everything I can to keep you by my side
and I'll stare off through the darkness to find us a kingdom.
Just kiss me before I go.
I'll have to walk a thousand miles just to find the ground deserving of your feet.
You could throw me down and walk on me and I'd just look on through my love and through the haze.
And I hope, your majesty that you like your position.
I'll do everything I can to keep you by my side
and I'll stare off through the darkness to find us a kingdom.
Just kiss me before I go.
The nightingales are singing now.
They're calling out our marriage to our subjects on their knees.
Their jewelery is thrown into the air.
They sigh at their release as their shackles hit the ground.
The trumpets call out now.
We're home at last.
And I hope, your majesty that you like your position.
I'll do everything I can to keep you by my side
and I'll stare off through the darkness to find us a kingdom.
Just kiss me before I go.

i love saves the day.

and i'm a lifeguard in gym now. this will be my first time actually being a lifeguard since i was trained last year. so i hope these freshman girls can swim.

today the ap us essays sucked

today i also found out i'm in love

and play practice was cancelled

and i decided life is overrated

courtney also got a dog
a cute one
really cute
smokey
ohhhhhhhhhhhh



last night i got really upset about things i dont know about

college is nothing but full of stress

college is overrated

college makes me sick to my stomach

college makes me scared

college shouldnt be doing this. but it does.

everybody comes to go to hollywood. they want tomake it in the neighborhood. they like the smell of it in hollywood. how could it hurt you when i looks so good?

whhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhy

theres nothing i can do but take the pain

the words i might have ate.

so much for the promises i never intended to keep.,.. i cant let go... i cant pretend

at least i tried. at least i tried.

i apologize if i do not care.

oh yeah and chris brady and legner since 7th

i love dave too. just thought i would add that. ive been friends with him since 8th grade too. just so no one feels neglected.

im listening to OAR again. hahahahahahahahhahaha oh you silly jehovas witnesses. i figured i should write somethign similar to the dead journal on here. so ill sum up just in case people dont read both

~i love ali
~i love courtney

well thats about all. ali has actually been my friend for a while like 3 years? thats impressive.
and i love her more.
same goes for courtney.
and if anyone ever does anythign dumb to them
ILL KILL EM

<3 cky <3


<3 ryan dunn <3

im listening to nelly
E.I.

OH UH UH UH OH UH HUHU OHHHHHHHHHH

IS YALL READY?

IM A SUCKER FOR CORN ROWS AND MANICURED TOES.

WHO KNOWS I KNOW AND I LOVE IT WHEN YOU MAKE YOUR KNEES TOUCH YOUR ELBOWS

i watched $40 a day tonigth and it was in milwaukee
and i said

GIOOOOOOOOOOO!
AND THEN when we were decorating for homecoming in the halls today i was thinign about decorating for turnabout last year and i thought


GIOOOOOOOO!

AND THEN

i decided

<3 i love michael giovenco. <3

missed the homecoming pep rally and im really upset about it.

I don't want to hurt anybody. I don't enjoy hurting anybody. I don't like guns or bombs or electric chairs, but sometimes people just won't listen and so I have to use persuasion, and slides. My parents, Sharon and Dave. Generous, doting, or were they? All I ever wanted was a Ballerina Barbie in her pretty pink tutu. My birthday, I was 10 and do you know what they got me? Malibu Barbie. That's not what I wanted, that's not who I was. I was a ballerina. Graceful. Delicate. They had to go. My first husband, the heart surgeon. All day long, coronaries, transplants. "Sorry about dinner, Deb, the Pope has a cold." Husband number 2: the senator. He loved his state. He loved his country. Sorry Debbie. No Mercedes this year. We have to set an example." Oh yeah. Set this! My latest husband. My late, late husband Fester, and his adorable family. You took me in. You accepted me. But did any of you love me? I mean, really love me? So I killed. So I maimed. So I destroyed one innocent life after another. Aren't I a human being? Don't I yearn and ache...and shop? Don't I deserve love...and jewelry? Good-bye everybody. Wish me luck.

i have a lot of APUS to do today. SICK

last night courtney and i saw cabin fever. worst movie ever. lol. and we were scared they were going to check ids. i think the sickest part was when the guy was like fingering this girl who was asleep and then he pulled out his hand that was covered in blood and skin. because she had cabin fever!!! hahahahahahaha homecoming is next saturday. how do you feel about that? i feel fantastic.

do you ever just see something that someone says or hear it and the only thing you could this is "wow you are sooooo dumb"

madonna fucking rocks

"everybody comes to hollywood. they want to make it in the neighborhood. they like the smell of it in hollywood. how can it hurt you when it looks so good?"

"I never knew there'd come a day
When I'd be sayin to you
Don't let this good love slip away
Now that we know that its true
Don't, Don't you know the kind of man I am
No, said I'd never fall in love again
But its real
And the feeling comes shinin through"

it ain't gonna rain on this parade.

what can you say about tomorrow? what do you know about my life? what do you say to your daughter? what do you tell to your wife?

oops

Benedick: I pray thee now tell me, for which of my bad parts didst thou first fall in love with me?
Beatrice: For them all together, which maintained so politic a state of evil that they will not admit any good part to intermingle with them: but for which of my good parts did you first suffer love for me?
Benedick: Suffer love! a good epithet, I do suffer love indeed, for I love thee against my will.
Beatrice: In spite of your heart, I think. Alas poor heart, if you spite it for my sake, I will spite it for yours, for I will never love that which my friend hates
Benedick: Thou and I are too wise to woo peaceably.

standing up against a wooden barrier for 6 hours has never felt so worth it.

OAR rules man. and so do the roots and robert randolph and the family band. especially robert randolph. ive never seen something soo cool. wow.

now i feel like the old me once again.

farewell "my only reason for living"

farewell depleting friendship

farewell grace under fire

farewell guitar.

frack698: i sthere a matress?
skippysTd: yeah lol
skippysTd: i sleep on it
frack698: ohh ok
skippysTd: haha oh so THERES where you got the honey bunny
frack698: i jus tneed to pciture it I NEED TO KNOW HOW YOU GO TO SLEEP AND WHAT YOUR ROOM LOOKS LIKE AT EVERY MOMENT OF EVERY DAY.
frack698: ha
frack698: yeah
frack698: lol i dotn call you honey bunny audrey
frack698: ahhaha
skippysTd: hahahahaha
skippysTd: aww i wished you did
frack698: alright a will
skippysTd: oh courtney youre the funniest person ive ever met
frack698: really? thanks that is tTHE best compliment. you are n doubt the funniest person ive ever met also.;
skippysTd: fantastic. we rule funny.
skippysTd: i dont knwo where i was going with that
frack698: hahha or where it was headed
frack698: ali said that one night at your house. i stole her line
skippysTd: slightly bruised and broken from our head on collision
skippysTd: hahahaha
skippysTd: yeah you did
frack698: eh oh well.

steve has 57 shirts that are in his present cycle. if thats how many hes wearing. how many does he have that he doesnt wear? steve, thats uncanny.

the pictures section has been updated. you should check it out. 14 new pictures up and ready for your viewing pleasure.

its so perfect im so perfect youre so perfect youre not here

my friend lonesome's unconditional.

tonight i feel ambitious and so does my foot. ha
haha

take a load off benny take a load off for free. take a load off benny, and put it on me.

im really tired. i dont know what to do with myself. im so tired. i have homework. ahhh anythign for salenas.

Kevin says he likes this better. i dont know what to say. marshalls sucks and so do you!


hahaha
okay steve. im ready for this hangout.

i cant my darling i lov eyou so

i have a dead journal

http://www.deadjournal.com/users/audreyastray/

rock out on that

.unconditional love.

to me you can tell the posts that i'm here at because theyre so like random and "pinchu"

man you are freakin! my cherry sank to the bottom. that is not even funny. it is so hotlike on my leg right now. just stop. (laugh)

my car battery died tonight hahahaha. well. thanks dad for that jump. remember when we jumped harrisons car that night? that was fantastic. H.O.T.S.O.M.B. loved that. probably the best feeling in the world.

man my ass is hot. sitting on courts hot leg. i hate marshalls but tonight wasnt so bad. it actually kind of FLew. pinchy pinchu

"Whats that song? (sings) somethings never do change, never do change. to me its queen mab"
(laughing) "something corporate"
"oh yeah"

I was the one worth leaving

I feel I must interject here, you're getting carried away,
feeling sorry for youself with these revisions and gaps in history.
So let me help you remember. I've made charts
and graphs that should finally make it clear.
I've prepared a lecture on why I have to leave

So please back away and let me go

don't you feed me lines about some idealistic future
your heart won't heal right if you keep tearing out the sutures

you've got a lure I can't deny,
but you've had your chance so say goodbye

ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh iwish youd grow up!!!!!!! i hope you realize this isnt going to bring you any closer to finding out who you really are. you know your ejust going to end up putting yourself in the line of fire to get hurt. and its not even worth warning you because you adhere to no one's advice. so we'll just sit this one out and let you make your mistakes and realize that its never going to get you anywhere acting like this. maybe three years ago i could have sympathized with your choices but youre almost 17. you'll be feeling empty and lost by the time the new year rolls around. i dont know what to say other than, what are you doing? some of us have been falling a long time before we actually hit the bottom.

my wrists hurt. i spend too much of my day typing.

tonight i was at the movies with courtney. the previews hadnt started when suddendly,,,,, my phone rang. who coul dit be? Kevin Cell. okay it was kevin. so then i told him to come see grind and he told me to go to steak and shake and so then he went to steak and shake and i watched the movie. so it was kind of pointless.

I hope I'm dead by the time you read this. I love you.

i was saved by grace, but destroyed by naivety. and i lied to myself and said it was for the best.

The night is becokoning although I have nowhere to go but home
Feels good to be alone
With every turn comes a new frame of mind if I could frame my mind
Where would it hang

I crack a window and feel the cool air cleanse my every pore
As I pour my poor heart out
To a radio song that's patient and willing to listen
My volume drowns it out

But that's OK cause I sound better then him anyway any day
Yeah my voice is sweet as salt
I search for comfort and I've found it where I've found it many times before

"You see life is like that. We change, that's all. You see, the guy I am now is not the guy I was then. If the guy I was then met the guy I am now he'd beat the shit out of me. Those are the facts. "

just got in from thrifting with kevin and tim schram and i realized i left my investment in the backseat of kevins car. oh well maybe he'll be a nice man and drop that off sometime

late at night when all the world is sleeping i stay up and dream of you. and i wish on a star that somewhere you are thinking off me too. yess i oouosd true.....

court- "i feel sick"
audrey- "get my gym shorts"
court- "go to hell"

court- do you want something to drink?
audrey- yeah apple juice
court- "i feel sick"
audrey- "get my gym shorts"
court- "go to hell"
(goes downstairs and comes back up)
audrey- did you get my gym shorts?
courtney- i knew i forgot something, i need to go downstairs anyway to get my acne medicine
(goes downstairs and comes back up)
courtney- fuck i forgot my acne medicine



hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

pissed pissed pissed pissed. youre such a piss ant

wow this is fucking up major. the comment box was the main cause i think. so i guess ill just hold off on comments for awhile. i bet youre so upset about it.

LAST PERSON WHO...
. Slept in your bed: me
. Saw you cry: probably steve
. Made you cry: me
. Spent the night at your house: courtney, every night
. You shared a drink with: courtney?
. You went to the mall with: steve and eric haha
. Yelled at you: mom or dad?
. Sent you an e-mail: i havent checked it in a while,. prob mrs clegg hahahaha
. Said they were going to kill you: dont remember

IN THE LAST 48 HOURS, HAVE YOU:
. Cried: no i dont think so
. Bought Something: yeah vans
. Gotten Sick: i have a bit of a sore throat
. Sang: yeah like everything. veruca salt?
. Said I Love You: no
. Wanted To Tell Someone You Loved You Want To Be With Them, But Didn't: yeah
. Met Someone New: no
. Moved On: not really
. Talked To Someone: yes
. Had A Serious Talk: i dont know. probablky not
. Missed Someone: yes
. Hugged Someone: yes.
. Kissed Someone: yes
. Fought With Your Parents: no
. Dreamed About Someone You Can't Be With: yeah
. Had a lot of sleep: no.

dude ollie is a pathetic excuse for a dog these days. extremely sad. my grandparents are brutal and cruel for keeping him alive in all this pain.

COURTNEY STEVE ALI KEVIN: YOU GUYS ARE ALL SO FUCKING COOL. and clever too. its fantastic.

we're glad for what we've got. done with what we've lost. our whole lives laid out right in front of us.

1. What's on your bedside table?
i lack a bedside table.

2. What's the geekiest part of your music collection?
haha umm... this guitar rock cd my cheap ass grandparents bought me in florida lol

3. What do you eat when you raid the fridge at night?
fla-vor-ice

4. What is your secret guaranteed weeping film?
life as a house

5. If you could have plastic surgery, what would you have done?
yuck sick nothing id rather be ugly and real that beautiful and completely fake

6. Do you have a completely irrational fear?
yes. i am afraid that the fish in my lake will bite my toes. so afraid infact that i am rarely in the water if im not tubing or skiing.

7. What is the little physical habit that gives away your insecure moments?
i like bend my fingers over eachother. FREAK.

8. Do you ever have to beg?
yeah i do. and i feel downright dirty about it.

9. Do you have too many love interests?
no lol

10. Do you know anyone famous?
no again. but i'm pretty confident in someday being able to say yes

11. Describe your bed.
twin with lavender sheets. like my soul.

12. Spontaneous or plan?
spontaneous

13. Who should play you in a movie about your life?
marilyn monroe. hahaha or rosanne

14. Do you know how to play poker?
yeah

15. What do you carry with you at all times?
umm i dont know. my watch?

16. How do you drive?
fast and furiously ahhaha

17. What do you miss most about being little?
not liking boys

18. Are you happy with your given name?
i suppose. i cant think of anything else i would prefer.

19. What color is your bedroom?
sick i dont want to talk about the marine life border. im changing it.

20. What was the last song you were listening to?
from autumn to ashes- too bad youre beautiful

21. Have you ever been in a school play?
yes yes i have.

22. Have you ever been in love?
as much as ive been trying to deny it. i have. and it still stings

23. Do you like yourself and believe in yourself?
not very much at all... but i'm getting there... slowly

25. Do you think you're cute?
very rarely. nope i dont.

26. Do you consider yourself to be a nice person?
i really really really really am trying.

01-- When and how did we meet?:
02-- What did you first notice about me?:
03-- What do you like most about me?:
04-- Are we friends?:
05-- Have you ever seen me with my shirt off?:
06-- Have you ever seen me cry?:
07-- Describe me in four words?:
08-- If we could spend a day together what would we do?:
09-- Have we ever gotten in a fight?:
10-- If you could give me a present what would it be?:
11-- Would you hug me?:
12-- What do you really think of me?:
13-- Have we ever kissed?:
14-- Has there ever been anything you wanted to tell me, but were scared to?:
15-- Wanna make out?:
16-- Name one thing you do not like about me:

OKay that computer has just shut down and restarted for the second time today. thank you backdoor virus. i can't delete the file because i have been denied access. ive been denied access to everything. i am an angry person and i dont have an empathetic bone in my body. i have been drained completely of any sense of compassion that i might have had at one point in my life. the summer has been a bore and has ended entirely too quickly. the only adventure ive had has been while reading lame ass Teen Crap books like "the second summer of the sisterhood" "second helpings" and "diary of a teenage stud" despite these somewhat QUEER titles the books are actually quite fantastic and captivating. i also started the joy luck club. but that is anything but an exciting adventure. i honestly don't like it. like whats so great about it? they're chinese women. i dont think i could relate less if they were a heard of african elephants describing the troubled life of the tundra. maybe im just a cynical bitch, or maybe im just impatient and unmotivated. maybe both. either way, i'm angry and troubled, but more importantly, i'm hungry. i got a homecoming dress yesterday. la deee da. this is a stupid entry. i need a date. anyone interested? its a cool dress if that helps? well the system is shutting down in another 50 seconds so i better sum this up and quick. i'm going to the mall with courtney and AMY in a few minutes. an exciting excursion it will be, no doubt. does anyone have any money? does anyone serve any puyrpose?

ive realized i have a lot of teenage angst. and as much as i would like to sit on my ass and contemplate being a confused and troubled adolescent. i can.t because my computer is shutting down in 35 seconds and counting. i hate this virus. i hate life FUCK YOU.

10 bands you've been listening a lot to lately: in no order.
1) yellowcard
2) brand new
3) saves the day
4) alkaline trio
5) bright eyes
6) falloutboy
7) third eye blind
8) modest mouse
9) oar
10) dashboard confessional

//09 things you look forward to:
1) picking up my check
2) taking a shower
3) wearing clean clothes
4) sleepover with courtney
5) getting my contacts in on the first try
6) seeing who i have classes with (lame i know)
7) being nostalgic
8) finishing the joy luck club
9) finishing ap us

//8 things you like to wear:
1) t-shirts
2) r.b.f.
3) flip flops
4) capris
5) skirts
6) jeans
7) my watch
8) soccer shorts

//07 things that annoy you:
1) my brother
2) my mom spilling water on my new cd player
3) my grandparents
4) socks
5) the joy luck club
6) my emotions
7) contacts

//06 things you say most everyday:
1) "whoops"
2) "i'm lame"
3) "oh courtney"
4) "i'm reading"
5) "i feel sick"
6) "i'll drive"

//05 things you do everyday:
1) eat
2) read
3) wait around
4) laugh
5) think too much

//04 people you want to spend more time with:
1) Harrison
2) Ali
3) Mike Giovenco
4) Justin dreyer

//03 movies you could watch over and over again:
1) life as a house
2) twister
3) the princess bride

//02 of your favorite songs at the moment:
1) brand new- the boy who blocked his own shot
2) third eye blind- motorcycle drive-by

//01 person you could spend the rest of your life with:
1) mentioning the name is unnecessary

I'm back. did you miss me terribly? i'm sure you did.

i want a tattoo

Ali: his name is risvi.
Audrey: oh rizzi?
Ali: no risvi.
Audrey: oh frisbi?
Ali: no R-I-S-V-I.
Audrey: oh... risvi.
Ali: he's like 60 or something. and i think hes blind in one eye.
Audrey: oh its a woman?



oh man funniest thing ever. i feel like such an ass becuase i can't stop laughing when im talking to ali. like seriously, i have no control over anything i say. when intending to say something about my managers ill say "yeah all the animals at marshalls are nice"

its soooo hot in my room/ im sweating.

I'm hanging out with alex today. I want to make some string stuff. She wants to go to target to get calling cards. i didnt know she was going to mexico? well. thats cool.
I love my dog.
I want to get my check today.

Greg is pretty funny when it comes to... everything.

i still have these two cool... or too cool... fabrics that i need to make a skirt out of. i could probably make a lot of things. there is a lot of fabric.

A fireball destroyed france today and gerald ford is dead

Gerald Ford was eaten by a pack of wolves. He was delicious.

Gerald Ford is dead today, and I'm gay.

Hey. well i wrote YOU a letter but i couldnt bring myself to stop by and leave it at your back door for fear you or one of your siblings would be sitting right there watching tv. i dont know why that scared me so much but it did. i wrote it yesterday...wednesday. i think i'll write it on here and hope you read it. i hope YOU know who you are. i really really do.

-
I'ts three fifteen in the mornign and i can't sleep. i've been thinking about you for the last half and hour and its incredible how much i miss you. its terrible to think that the last tim ei saw you was over 6 months ago at charlie's surprise birthday party. i miss you so much. i have the card you gave me and the letter you wrote me taped to my mirror. i read them both at laest once a day. i read your blog regularly, or as regularly as you update it and i suppose the entry about me bringing you the flowers was what prompted this missing-you-so-much-i-cant-think-about-anything-else phase. i say phase for lack of a better word. i always want to call you, and i want to IM you even more, but im too big a coward. Life is shitty without you. No one compares to you. I wish so much that we were still best friends. i know that sounds so corny but its so hard when no one really understands you and you cant bring yourself to talk to the one person who does. i think its safe to say that being friends with you was one of the best experiences of my life. i'm not sure if ive ever missed anything this much. i got a puppy his name is axle. i think you would like him. these are just small things that i wish yo ualready knew and i didnt have to write in a letter. i hope you're doing okay. i hope i will be able to bring myself to call you soon. i'm scared i would just be a crying mess if i did. i miss you and new jersey so much. i think about you daily. i love you so much. i miss you more than you'll ever know.
love. ALWAYS and FOREVER,
audrey

Hidden in Plain View
Madison (NJ)
Tokyo-Rose
Parker Theory
Blue Sky Goodbye
11 Minutes Away
Casual Blue
Over It
The Contingency Plan
Alli with an I
Motion City Soundtrack
The Red Jacket
The Awkward Romance
Forever Changed

"It's pathetic to hate who you are and it feels like hell to change. But I'll be damned if I push you away."

Ali ran a ride light today lol it was probably the funniest thing ever. actually the whole time we were hanging out it was pretty much the funniest thing ever. man. lol. paranoying.

i just thought i would include this since well... he did

dudah85: lots of death
dudah85: sort of like casino
dudah85: but dirtier and better
skippysTd: ive never seen casino either
dudah85: youre a dirty tramp then
skippysTd: its true

I though of that old joke, y'know, the, this, this guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, uh, my brother's crazy. He thinks he's a chicken." And, uh, the doctor says, "Well, why don't you turn him in?" And the guy says, "I would, but I need the eggs." Well, I guess that's pretty much how I feel about relationships. Y'know, they're totally irrational and crazy and absurd and, but, uh, I guess we keep going through it because, uh, most of us need the eggs.

...and though i know who i'm not, i still don't know who i am...

"Romantic? Hemingway? He was an abusive, alcoholic, misogynist who squandered half his life hanging around Picasso trying to nail his leftovers."

"Well, I'm gonna get out of bed every morning... breath in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breath in and out... and, then after a while, I won't have to think about how I had it great and perfect for a while."

OKAY so lets hear it for today-

i woke up at the crack of 11:30 and called courtney. she got ready and i went and picked her up. we came back to my house. i felt bad just crating the dog for the whole day so we stayed with it for like half an hour lol. so then we went to the mall.... im not sure why? i dont even know if we needed anything? i certainly didnt

went into american eagle. haha. shocker! and i bought this black skirt. $8.09. YEAH CLEARANCE. man i serioulsy am a bargin goddess. is that even how you spell it? either way. its a nice skirt. sort of see through but hey. then went to pac sun to show court this cool purse they just got. oh man audrey needs a life. and of course after i showed court she said "buy it" and i said... "ok" lol

farewell another $21.11. oh well its worth it nice purse. number 17 in the collection. haha. well. we went in jessica mcclintock haha of course because whats a trip to the mall without me looking at dresses? i was like hey homecoming? yeah right so ive already decided im not going... even though i probably will.anyway not the point the point is there is this so kick ass white dress with these so tacky huge black flowers and ruffles at the bottom with a polka dot like underthing. so cool. hot pink trim. sooo cool. $193. FANTASTIC! its too short anyway. so then we eventually went home, courtney empty-handed and me broke... naturally.

when we got home i decided i needed something to put my purses in... a purse rack if you will. haha so we went to the container store? such a lame ass trip. went home with nothing.

i then proceeded to organize my closet. threw out a bunch of shit and i guess it looks neater now? i'm painting my room but i dont know what color. sick i hate that choice. moving the furniture too. fabulous.

court and tray were over and me and court ate spaghetti. it was pretty good. with the texas chainsaw cheese bread. hmm... then... oh hmm oh yeah!!

then convinced my parents into paying for half of a new disc man that i needed for the trip up north, among other things. so it was off to best buy. oh man such a funny trip. bought the cd player spent $64 nino tried to make me feel better about it, but to no avail

thanks anyway nino. hahahaha

back to my hosue. court and tray had to leave at 10. by that time steve had come over and was watching golf with my dad. so court and tray left and i really tried hard to enjoy the golf. but i didnt so i went downstairs and tried to fix the digital cable that fucked up. oh yeah and i cut my hair. but anyway my dad was just sitting there talking to steve and i felt kind of bad but not really and i know my dad said some stupid shit like not being able to stand me after living with me a week. haha oh dad. youre sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo funny. so at like 1100 the lame ass tournament was finally over and phil and sergio had won. so lame that i know. anyway then my dad went to bed and me and steve watched jackass and then tom green. and then some food channel thing about beer? irrelavent then i made some left over spaghetti... i wasnt even hungry? then i made a piece of toast with cream cheese. i had a so bad craving for it..

hmm. aha then after that nice meal i took otu the sea creature cookies and found 17 tyupes of creature. oh god audrey. now i'm here typing this knowing that the rest of the week is gonig to be so gay without courtney. tray and i are getting so bored i can see it alright. intense spendding of all my money.

oh god i dread the rest of this week. oh my god!!!

i'm goign to hang out with ali!
shit yes i am!yesyeysyesyeyseyseysyeyseyseysyesyeyseyse i am!
and gio!
yes.

i dont think it gets more pathetic than being so excited about thecontainerstore.com haha oh audrey.

These purple sheets match my soul. haha. thanks mom.

its officially my moms birthday. boo yah. steve and court- i wish you could be here when she opens the presents you guys helped picked out but well i wont be here either so. i guess that settles it then.

marshalls sucks and so do you!

hey did you get some? man that is so dumb.

tomorrow morning heading out to the mall before work because i need to get a new purse. like khaki colored? i dont have one. i have one from AE in mind but im goign to try and find a cheaper one at aero or jc penny and maybe check ae out because that might be on clearance by now. with the way they get new inventory. phew.

"But I've hidden a note. It's pressed between pages that you've marked to find your way back. It says: "Does he ever get the girl?" But what if the pages stay pressed. The chapters unfinished. The stories too dull to unfold? Does he ever get the girl?"

dashboard

"I woke up from this dream to find that I was sleeping
So I went back to sleep and I dreamed I was awake.
I locked myself inside but you were on the outside
I stood outside and watched but I couldn't let you in."

i will sever the ties, sever the ties.


just read dominiques live journal. haha yeah. this summer doesnt compare to last or the one before that or the one before that. its quite a let down and its pretty stupid and all i do is work and man. lifes depressing. dying the hair purple again before school starts to cover up the real me? i think so.

im faking it like i matter.

its hard to convince myself that everythings okay. fucukckcuyfkfukcc

everything IS okay and thats the problem. i really dont know what im talking about right now and if i get into anymore ill just piss everyone else off. i really hate that. i really really hate that. god fucking dammit i hate so much. i spend all my time hating and i miss everything. fuck. i hate myself too sjkdgosgh
fuck
not talkign about it
sorry.

so its safe to say that we've been here before. breaking hearts has never looked so cool.

and ive come to the conclusion that it doesnt matter how many books i can read or how big my vocabulary is or how many songs i know or how perfect my grammar is. none of that matters because none of that has really anything to do with real life. and man, i deserve an award for getting myself into the worst positions.

and all the Best Deceptions and the Clever Cover Story awards go to me.

ive eaten 5 fla-vor-ices in about 10 minutes. my mouth is purple. i'm about to go get some more. but im scared its too late lol. i wish they werent so irresistable

i just went and got 2 more.

what an amazing business. no one could ever replace these. they are so perfect as they are. i really shouldnt eat anymore tonight 7 is tooo many.






oh mansomething so funny


Chaos6575: one that I was talking to, reminded me of you
skippysTd: haha you pimp
skippysTd: in what way?
Chaos6575: haha, no, you know me
Chaos6575: I don't know, she looked like you, talked like you, but had my personality
Chaos6575: it was kinda weird
Chaos6575: like we had a kid or something
skippysTd: hahahahahaha



ohhhhhhhhhh gio!!!!!!!!

Michael Giovenco- I love you. Will you marry me?

It's okay to be angry and never let go. It only gets harder the more that you know. When you get lonely if no one's around. You know that I'll catch you when you're falling down. We came together but you left alone. And I know how it feels to walk out on your own. Maybe someday I will see you again, and you'll look me in my eyes and call me your friend.

You know, i could say i'm sorry a thousand times and it would never get me anywhere. mostly because i woudlnt know what i was apologizing for. ive been blamed for things i havent done and i dont know how to change that. im tired of talking about it and tired of going over and over it and tired of feeling guilty and horrible for something i didnt do. so this is it. i dont knwo if you want to be friends and if you do thats cool and if you dont i respect it. i cant control my feelings any better than you can or anyone else. there are so many... i dont know... things i wish i could say to you. thinking about all this shit tonight made me pretty upset. mainly just thinking about like things we're supposed to do or have done. like more particularly that night i slept over and we stayed outside talking till like 6 in the morning and then went to mc donalds. i was acutally just thinking about that and i was like "why didnt we go to country donuts?" and god

when rachel ward knows, you've told too many people.

its the summer. almost everyone is completely detatched from everyone else except their tight knit groups... but somehow everyone knows... and its just like.. the more people talk about it, the more i begin to think that everyone has this idea that i ruined it all... when really... i didn't...

so im not sure what this means... i'm leaving it up to you... id love to be your friend again... i dont know why you wouldnt be able to trust me because... i dont know what i did that would deem me untrustworthy. im sorry i feel this way. really i am.

id talk to you but i dont know what to say. im emotionally drained. and practically dead.

your thoughts?

There is no logic to your madness.

MARY: In honor of Pacey’s birthday I’ve made his favorite: chipped beef on toast.
PACEY: It’s Doug’s favorite, actually. My favorite is spaghetti and meatballs.
MARY: But -- when you were a kid, you always begged me to make chipped beef on toast.
PACEY: Right, I forgot. All these years, I’ve pretended to hate chipped beef on toast, in a vain attempt to mask my true feelings of love.
DOUG: Well, I love chipped beef on toast.
PACEY: Yes, that fact is well established. Thank you.

So I'll hit the pavement, it's gotta be better than waiting.

"We're not twenty-one, but the sooner we are, the sooner the fun will begin, so get out your fake eyelashes and fake i.d's, and real disasters ensue. it's cool to take these chances. It's cool to fake romances and grow up fast."

I got a new graphing calculator today since i have no idea what happened to mine. but the new one is super cool, its like dark blue see through sparkly haha. acutally everyone has these sparkly see through ones now but i had the black one so now this is a big transition. and like im so excited for algebra 2 now! im so prepared, maybe this new calculator will make me smarter. i can only pray.

okay so alyssa said something really funny just now. i feel like i need to put it on here

MidnightGoodbyes: 1st off... this kid thought he was ja rule like last week

We all have sizeable scars. Is this the way a toy feels when its batteries run dry? Oh, we're so c-c-c-c-c-controversial. I'm an old abandoned church with broken pews and empty aisles. Take the picture from the wall when you think that nothing matters. A sober straight face gets you out of your clothes. I am heaven sent. Don't you dare forget. my tongue's the only muscle in my body that works harder than my heart. Die young and save yourself. She's breathing quiet and smooth, He's gasping for air. Call me a safe bet. I'm betting I'm not. You are calm and reposed. Let your beauty unfold. Pale white, like the skin stretched over your bones. Spring keeps you ever close. You are second hand smoke. You are so fragile and thin. standing trial for your sins. Holding onto yourself the best you can. You are the smell before rain. You are the blood in my veins. We paint a lover's tryst. We're neither clear nor descript. We kept it safe and slow. The quiet things that no one ever knows. Wasting words on lowercases and capitals.

"I'll Be your crying shoulder. I'll Be love's suicide. I'll Be better when I'm older. I'll Be the greatest fan of your life."

-|- WE ARE LIVING IN A HOUSE OF LIES! -|-

Last night steve and i saw How to Deal. of course i liked it. because mandy moore is my god. I dont think steve liked it, but naturally he said he did. something i didnt know was that this movie was based on two books. and they happen to be two books that ive read.

That summer by Sarah Dessen
Someone Like You by Sarah Desen

She is a great author let me tell you. if you like teen crap you would love sarah dessen. i know i do. So after the movie we walked around my neighborhood and went past this party and they had gotten their hands on a few mics. funny at first, but it got old lol. we went home and i ate a corndog and then some ice cream and then a rice krispie treat. i wanted to go swimming at ed's but that idea went over like a lead balloon. today im working 12-close. its pretty fucking shitty
8-9 hours i better get a lot of breaks.

marshalls why do you suck so bad?

"Hello...what the hell are you doing here? You made a really strange face, this is a really uncomfortable air. I see I'm boring you, maybe I bore myself too. That's why I need help, I'm cleaning blood off dusty shelves."

alk3

-+- If ever a day goes by that I don't tell you I love you, know always that I do -+-

-+-July 19th. Three years. Oh Harrison, I could never forget you.-+-
-+-And i don't dream since i quit sleeping, and i haven't slept since i met you.-+-

Its suprised me today when i thoguth about it. because lets see. so many people really dont like me on a regular basis. you think these people would look at this shit to make fun of me. and now that i have made comments possible no one says anything... this makes me wonder a few things

do the people who really hate me not have a link to this? maybe they don't. i can work on getting that to them.

do the people who hate me have better things to do? no, no they don't. they all suck.

maybe if i talk shit first then people will retaliate? hmmmm i dont want to mention names... maybe if i just bring up a story... and then send this link to certain people... then... maybe they will see it.. maybe... im kind of worried that all my hard work on the commenter, made only so people can tell me how dumb i am because theyve been keeping it in so long, is going to waste.

so heres the story.... One day a long long time ago, back in the day of Freshman Girls P.E. i made a few friends. they were the type of people who you could really bond with on a .... personal level. (sound satiric? no? well it is) these girls loved me for who i was. one of them in particular. i think she had a crush on me. but she played it off like she hated me. i know better. hahaha. anyway. so this girl and her ghetto fabulous... or just fabulous in general, friends decided that they would make me feel like a better person all the time! when we ran on the indoor track they would be walking behind, breathing heavily from too much pot and cigarettes, cheering me on. we laughed and cried. i listened in on all their sex stories and came to the conclusion that basically they were big sluts. and when i say big i mean BIG! literally. anway. one day towards the end of the year when the bees were buzzing and the flowers were blooming, they were being as nice as they always were to me. One of them said something SO nice to me in fact that i felt like she deserved a compliment of equal measure. and man, she LOVED that compliment, she was so flattered in fact, that she thanked me by throwing me into a wall... you knwo in a really SUPER nice way, not at all in a wanting-to-kick-my-ass-if-she-wasnt-so-fat way. so. that was a great day. i really think we toook our relationship to a whole new level. but the year was over and oh parting is such sweet sorrow.
BUT
As luck would have it, i ended up being in Sophomore Girls Activities with several of her friends. so we were able to exchage compliments through eachother. it was actually more of her making me feeel sooo cool. i decided that during that year my main source of gym entertainment would be listening in on their stories, of which they had many. They called me a stupid fucking bitch and i called them fat and they called me a lesbian and i called them whores. it was a lovely relationship. i hope i have a thousand more JUST like it.
and i know i will
because there are so many caring and wonderful people just like them in the world. and it is that group of friends that i feel honored to have known. i hope i stay in their hearts forever just as they will in mine.


i actually think everyone knew that story. its the one, in case you couldnt tell, where maria got pushed over the garbage can into the boys bathroom? yeah that was some funny shit. now would you just fucking comment?

messed this up i think its okay though?

where can i go when i want you around, but i can't stand to be around you?


audreysucks

I tried on all my dresses from dances last night. pathetic. i still think the favorite is turnabout soph year. its just like prettier than the other ones lol. i guess today ill start reading a book or something. i ohhh well. "i'm finding my way back to you, and everything you used to be, and waiting is all that i can do until you find your way back to me"

i guess im getting used to this new michelle branch.

since its playing though i can't put the hey girl lyrics on here that i want to because i cant think of the way the song goes. oh well i'm a wannabe O.A.R. fan anyway.

oh yeah and last night i was wearing these camoe(sp?) dickies that keiko's cousin gave her cuz they were too small. let me tell you these pants. haha. oh man like at least 4 inches from the floor. and you shoul dhave seen this outfit. they had me put on this not matching tank top and black high heels. haha oh. i was a runway model. they even took pictures of it. i dont think i should have let them. that could come back badly.

i want to say: Carter i'm sorry for everything i put you through. and i want to start over. completely.

"I'm trying to get by with never knowing at all"

ohh holy dagger.

Now, don't just walk away pretending everything's okay and you don't care about me. I know there's just no use, when all your lies become your truths and i don't care. could you look me in the eye and tell me that you're happy now. wont you tell it to my face or have i been erased are you happy now? you took all there was to take, and left me with an empty plate and you don't care about it. i am giving up this game, and you leaving you with all the blame cause i don't care.