it has recently come to my attention that it is impossible to change someone. i knew this before. right now its time for me to start taking responsibility for myself and my emotions. its not really possible for someone else to "make me sad" or make me feel anything. i'm the one who is in control of how i feel and other people can't manipulate me. it comes down to my issues and my feelings and my neediness and i need to awknowledge that rather than just leave this big empty space in my heart for someone else to attempt to fill. Its impossible to be happy with someone else if you can't first be happy with yourself. I get that now. I understand that me being unable to let go is due to my intense fear of rejection. But just because i understand that doesn't mean i can make myself feel differently. Everything takes so long. When trying to fill these ceaseless voids, its not logical to assume it will happen overnight. nothing happens over night. people constantly revert to bad habits without even realizing it. There was a time when i wasn't quite really to get off the tumultuous ride of unhealthy relationships. There were actually many times when i just needed to go around one more time. there was always a need to prove it didnt work out one more time. well the one more times have turned into years and the years have left me wondering if now i am really ready to break bad habits and let go of the safety bar of bad conscience and neediness and actually get out of the car. Ive warn the tracks down so far its hard to even think about going for one more ride without crashing and burning in a firey wreck. I need to step onto the ramp. I need to get out. I need to get back on my feet. its a step that i haven't been able to complete for years. there are moments in my life when i am overcome by the feeling of finally doing the right thing. though these are few and far between, it is still in these brief glimpses of light at the end of the tunnel that i have some (though substantially not much) faith in my future. Maybe i will start living for me this time. Maybe i'm really ready to give up this constant co-dependency. Maybe there is a reason that i am in this place right now. Maybe we are all where we are supposed to be and that is all we can ask of ourselves. I'm ready to start believing that there is more to life than abusive and unhealthy relationships and friendships full of deceit, betrayal, and deception. There is a glimmer of hope; a silver lining that i failed to see for so long. Maybe nothing gold can stay and that's the point. Its not about forever really. Maybe gold is nature's hardest hue to hold, but that doesn't mean the other colors don't provide something. Maybe the gold is there to tell us that everything is cyclical. Even if life isn't working right now, it eventually will be okay. Because the changing seasons always lead back to fall and the gold is a prevailing constant of autumn. Maybe nothing gold can stay, its true, but maybe nothing gold can really ever leave either. I'm still light years away from knowing who i am and what i'm supposed to be doing in this life. I know i will never have all the answers because they don't really exist. Is everything just haphazardly and chaotically happening around us and to us everyday? are we just atoms randomly running into eachother. I don't know if anyone will ever be able to say with certainty if everything is connected or random. Opinions are like assholes, everybody has one. Right now im okay with just being who i am where i am.