Will we ever know how close I came to being broken? I don't think I will ever get to be one of those people who is the same person all the time. I can't even stay the same person throughout a day. this doesn't make sense. maybe I'm the bipolar one. I feel like i am burning and drowning at the same time. all these tiny battles against myself that i just cannot win. i want the version of my life where i am given everything and i am happy. because the version where i am given everything and i am not happy is exhausting.
Can you chase this fire away?
"And as the world comes to an end
I'll be here to hold your hand
Cause you're my king and I'm your lionheart."
of monsters and men
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Saturday, October 27, 2012
am i doing something wrong? probably.
sometimes i feel like people here do like me, but then they never actually invite me out anywhere or try to hang out with me. its like everyone bonded with everyone else but somehow i missed out on that. maybe i act like i don't care; i think i've even partially convinced myself that i don't. but apparently i do because it totally bums me out when i'm at home on a saturday night and the rest of my class is out at bars together. even if i don't even want to go out with them. i would really just like to hang out with my boyfriend. its easy and comfortable and i know he actually likes me.
and why am i so overly agreeable around new people? why do i pretend to like things that i clearly dont? why do i have extensive conversations with my peers here about bullshit that i could not care less about? why do i even tolerate people here who brag about how much they study and how much they know and how MOTHER FUCKING smart they are? why do i worry about what these people will think of me? and, more importantly, why do i even think they can see anyone beyond their own over-inflated egos.
i can only be this version of myself.
so far i really don't like vet school. and i have no idea what to do about that.
why is every step i take just a means to an end? is my life really just a means to a means with no end?
why am i in a perpetual state of existential crisis?
oh. wait. this is why no one invites me out.
and why am i so overly agreeable around new people? why do i pretend to like things that i clearly dont? why do i have extensive conversations with my peers here about bullshit that i could not care less about? why do i even tolerate people here who brag about how much they study and how much they know and how MOTHER FUCKING smart they are? why do i worry about what these people will think of me? and, more importantly, why do i even think they can see anyone beyond their own over-inflated egos.
i can only be this version of myself.
so far i really don't like vet school. and i have no idea what to do about that.
why is every step i take just a means to an end? is my life really just a means to a means with no end?
why am i in a perpetual state of existential crisis?
oh. wait. this is why no one invites me out.
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
the epitome of productivity
I just came into my living room to sit down and study (more) with my second glass of wine and I was thinking about what a witty and clever facebook status I could make about some non-existent adage that wine is a proven study aid for gross anatomy memorization when I spilled my wine all over the floor. This could have happened because either a) it is in my very nature to spill/break anything and everything I touch or b) God is trying to ruin my witty facebook status while at the same time telling me i shouldn't be drinking while i study.
I decided it was probably choice b (because I am that egocentric); and just to throw it in God's face, I poured myself another glass of wine.
On a semi-unrelated note, vet school is really hard. Don't believe anyone who says "the hardest part is getting in." That part actually wasn't that hard (said while patting myself on the back), the hard part is distinguishing between some muscle of the hind limb that i don't know and some other muscle of the hind limb that i don't know. The hard part is just staying sane after being in lecture for 19 hours a week and lab for 10 hours a week. 29 hours?! you really can't believe it, can you? Its enough formalin exposure to make your nose bleed (I should know because mine did.) Yeah, yeah, yeah, cry me a river. I asked for this didn't I? I spent 3 years working towards this, right? To quote the insightful words of my mother, "Audrey, you never like anything in the moment it is happening. You only like things in retrospect."
Now my wine is gone and I didn't get a chance to put my non-existent adage to the test.
“It takes a genius to whine appealingly.”
F. Scott Fitzgerald
I decided it was probably choice b (because I am that egocentric); and just to throw it in God's face, I poured myself another glass of wine.
On a semi-unrelated note, vet school is really hard. Don't believe anyone who says "the hardest part is getting in." That part actually wasn't that hard (said while patting myself on the back), the hard part is distinguishing between some muscle of the hind limb that i don't know and some other muscle of the hind limb that i don't know. The hard part is just staying sane after being in lecture for 19 hours a week and lab for 10 hours a week. 29 hours?! you really can't believe it, can you? Its enough formalin exposure to make your nose bleed (I should know because mine did.) Yeah, yeah, yeah, cry me a river. I asked for this didn't I? I spent 3 years working towards this, right? To quote the insightful words of my mother, "Audrey, you never like anything in the moment it is happening. You only like things in retrospect."
Now my wine is gone and I didn't get a chance to put my non-existent adage to the test.
“It takes a genius to whine appealingly.”
F. Scott Fitzgerald
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Ode to Parenthood
Thank you for believing in me. It is so great that even though I majored in English and graduated with a GPA at least .4 points below the average of accepted veterinary students and yet still got through my prerequisite classes and gained acceptance to not one but THREE veterinary schools, you still don't think I am responsible enough to take care of a fucking cat. It is awesome that you think that you will end up with this cat when I fail at caring for it. Even though caring for it is what my whole fucking career is revolving around. I don't mean to get on a soap box but, for the love of God, I am getting my doctorate and you don't think I can handle a cat. Its not like I bought a Great Dane puppy from a breeder for $2000. Its amazing that for my whole life, I had no idea where I developed this self-centered and entitled view of the world, and the entire time, it has come from watching you. Thanks!
Tuesday, October 09, 2012
ENFP
For years, I have told people that when I took the Meyers Briggs Personality Inventory my freshman year in high school I ended up as an ENTP and not an ENFP (which I actually am). I actually think I do fall into some middle ground between the two, but that could be entirely because I have manipulated myself into being that way. I wish I were really as cunning and witty as I pretend to be. It seems like one letter is a minor change, but to me, that difference between thinking and feeling could undermine or support my entire position of credibility to a client. SAD.
Damages is such a good show. .It is worth losing sleep over. Also, I am done with my modules and ready to get completely skewered when lectures start in my first "real" quarter of vet school.
Wish me luck as I begin my journey into the abyss.
And when I skin my cadaver dog on Monday, I will prevail!
Damages is such a good show. .It is worth losing sleep over. Also, I am done with my modules and ready to get completely skewered when lectures start in my first "real" quarter of vet school.
Wish me luck as I begin my journey into the abyss.
And when I skin my cadaver dog on Monday, I will prevail!
Saturday, October 06, 2012
Friday, October 05, 2012
waiting for superman
A thousand things I would like to comment regarding the future version of myself but I will refrain...
1. will i raise my children to be religious? or even to accept Christianity? I don't even know if I am really a true Christian despite the fact that I will always say I am Lutheran if someone asks what religion I am. The idea of religion is very difficult to me. I don't know if I truly feel like I believe in a higher power or if I just respect and worship my mother so much and to such a high degree that I can't imagine not believing in something in which she believes so strongly. I don't want to disappoint my mother or let down my children. Is there a religion or a system that will work?
2. Will I send my kids to public schools? Since I am a Republican, I don't feel any political obligation to put my kids in public school. Although, I don't feel I was failed by public schools. But I also don't feel like I was encouraged and pushed to meet my full potential, whatever that happened to be at the time. The most annoying thing ever is a democrat who preaches endlessly about how shitty public education is in America and how public schools have failed and how its our responsibility to fix them (and obviously raise taxes to do this), and then they send their kids to private schools. I think good teachers are crucial and should be well payed and respected, but these unions are getting ridiculous and need major reform. I want to go to law school for the sole purpose of educational reform (and possibly some tort reform just for the fun of it.) At times, I have encouraged Matt to pursue secondary education because I know he would be great at teaching and reaching kids, but then I see how our education system is so utterly fucked and I bite my tongue.
Where do we go from here?
1. will i raise my children to be religious? or even to accept Christianity? I don't even know if I am really a true Christian despite the fact that I will always say I am Lutheran if someone asks what religion I am. The idea of religion is very difficult to me. I don't know if I truly feel like I believe in a higher power or if I just respect and worship my mother so much and to such a high degree that I can't imagine not believing in something in which she believes so strongly. I don't want to disappoint my mother or let down my children. Is there a religion or a system that will work?
2. Will I send my kids to public schools? Since I am a Republican, I don't feel any political obligation to put my kids in public school. Although, I don't feel I was failed by public schools. But I also don't feel like I was encouraged and pushed to meet my full potential, whatever that happened to be at the time. The most annoying thing ever is a democrat who preaches endlessly about how shitty public education is in America and how public schools have failed and how its our responsibility to fix them (and obviously raise taxes to do this), and then they send their kids to private schools. I think good teachers are crucial and should be well payed and respected, but these unions are getting ridiculous and need major reform. I want to go to law school for the sole purpose of educational reform (and possibly some tort reform just for the fun of it.) At times, I have encouraged Matt to pursue secondary education because I know he would be great at teaching and reaching kids, but then I see how our education system is so utterly fucked and I bite my tongue.
Where do we go from here?
Thursday, October 04, 2012
I eat the M&Ms out of trail mix
I submitted this picture of Axel for a calendar and I hope he wins! All the pictures I printed of Olive looked less cute so I am putting all my eggs in the Axel basket. If he wins, he gets a photo shoot hahahahahaha. I need to do laundry but don't want to walk next door to do it. I also need to finish my dentistry presentation on senior animal dental care.
I wish i could remember every one liner from 30 rock that i want to re-quote. If i watch too many episodes in a row, i start to imagine myself as Liz Lemon. As an unfunny, not-as-witty version of Liz Lemon.
How is my gas bill $74 this month? I only use the microwave! Being poor sucks. Also, I'm scared to apply for the Army scholarship because I don't want to lose clinical skills... or be sent to Ft Sill in Oklahoma. I'm just considering joining the reserves after graduation because they will pay my debt too, but not the interest, which sucks and will likely be at least $20,000 on its own. My debt is like buying a house; either a modest house in the suburbs, or a badass studio loft in uptown.
Last night, the debates made me love Ron Paul even more. Why is the world so blind to the rationality of libertarianism?
Tuesday, October 02, 2012
5 year engagement
today i extracted 3 teeth out of a dead dog head. when you don't have the leverage of the body, its really hard to get the teeth out. dentisty is definitely not the specialty for me. in a way this is good to know considering i change my mind about a specialty every day.
Silas was just drinking Refreshe seltzer water on Weeds. which is hilarious because it is the Safeway brand. I can't stand him right now.
my apartment is a mess. i hate cleaning more than almost anything else.
Silas was just drinking Refreshe seltzer water on Weeds. which is hilarious because it is the Safeway brand. I can't stand him right now.
my apartment is a mess. i hate cleaning more than almost anything else.