familiarity breeds contempt.

"What's past is prologue." Once you've broken your relationship into a thousand pieces [after a thousand sleepless nights and a thousand unsuccessful compromises] not only is it hard to put back together, but its hard to remember what it looked like whole. or if it ever was. once the initial smoke screen of naivete evaporates, is there anything behind it? Its easy to believe that you have the same [dreams, needs, goals] before you've really defined them. I feel like there are now too many variables to solve for. how do you solve a problem when only one person believes it even exists?

are we writing our epilogue?

Yes, i keep diet cokes in the same fridge as rabies vaccinations.

If you never thought it was possibly to be moderately wounded and cut by an ice cream scoop, I'm here to tell you that you're wrong. I have a nasty infection on my finger as proof that you can, in fact, cut your finger with an ice cream scoop while using it to get frozen chunky peanut butter out of the jar.

I was also attacked by a 6 month old bichon puppy. I'm like a walking wonder of the world.

And yes, I would use amoxy from the clinic if I knew the right human dose. I'm not quite naive enough to think I would take the same amount as a 130lb dog.

Um ya ya

One time, junior year, we went to the legion. I drank at least one pitcher of beer, lost my north face (rip), threw up all over the backseat of someones car, and was subsequently showered in thorson. I really was interesting at one point in my life.

I keep hearing cars outside my house, thinking they are matt, all the while knowing better.

No need to feign disinterest.

A night with me ends at 11:30 pm and a night with your friends ends at 5:30 am.

Why bother?

will the circle be unbroken?

villainize: [vil-uhnayz] (verb): the act of turning some into a villian.

no. youre right. its not a real word. but it should be. if E.V.O.O. is a real word now, villainize certainly deserves to be. there are a thousand things i wish i had the ability to say or express regarding my recently realized disenchantment. i'm so sick of fighting. that is the understatement of the century. thats like saying Brutus wasn't a good friend. i'm tired of being portrayed as selfish. i'm tired of feeling like i don't know what i would do without him in my life and being unsure of whether that's a good thing or a bad thing. i'm sick of crying all night, feeling like an idiot, and looking like shit the next morning. i'm tired of always feeling like i'm doing something wrong. i'm sick of feeling like an annoyance, like a hindrance, like a frustration. i'm tired of rejecting and being rejected. i'm tired of yelling and being yelled at. i'm tired of rolling eyes when i go for a run, when i work out, when i get done eating. i'm tired of pretending that arguing is the same as communicating. i'm tired of the expectation of instant change. i'm tired of the apathy.

i'm scared of moving forward. i'm scared of staying here. i'm scared of holding on. i'm scared of letting go.

thinking does not necessitate brilliance

i know this. this. this. constant thinking doesn't mean constant processing or even constant understanding. constant thinking prohibits these things from happening successfully. i.think.all.the.time. not brilliant thoughts, not even mildly intelligent thoughts. just obsessive and uncontrollable thoughts. in seconds i can create a new world to live in that is full of unrealistic situations that make me happy because they all involve me not ever having to tell anyone what i want, and everyone just knowing. i can transpose these new worlds onto the real world instantaneously and be immediately disappointed with the real world and its total inability to read my mind even a little bit. i think through my physics homework... about something... was it physics? i don't know. i think about my family being insane and i think about my dad and my brother thinking they know everything.... literally EVERYTHING about the world... the predictable and boring world. its almost a chore for them to carry out daily life when they are surrounded by the mundane, and everyone is so beneath them, and its just oh.so.fucking.tedious.

for a long time i tried to deny that there was obvious favoritism in my family. and for a long time after that i tried to pretend that it didn't matter and that i was over it and old enough to not care anymore. at first, way first, way back first first first, i thought i was the favorite. it always seemed to fit. i had qualities that other parents i i knew would have valued. i had qualities that would have been favored by other parents. the funny thing was that i was so incredibly wrong about my family for so long that when i finally realized how wrong i had been, i still refused to admit it.. mostly out of shame for being so dedicated to believing my lie.

the truth is that i'm boring. i'm predictable. i'm vanilla. i'm moody and irritable. i follow rules. i study. i get good grades. i cry when i don't. i eat healthy. i don't really like to cook. i enjoy romantic comedies. i appreciate logic. i like reading books on the ny times best sellers list. i like having things. i like chocolate. i am the antithesis of interesting and i guess that probably is pretty hard to favor. yeah i do spend a lot of my time feeling sorry for myself but this is strangely enough, not one of those times. i'm really ok with who i am as a person. BUT truthfully, i will never be like Eric and my parents will never think i'm quite as witty, quite as innovative, quite as creative, or quite as brilliant as my brother. because i do give a fuck about an oxford comma.

i still see value in the world. i appreciate kindness.

running?

Today's run was awful so I guess its a good thing I'm working out again with my mom in an hour. I don't want to take my physics hw quiz, so I'm really going to put it off until 10pm. Sometime in the near future, I'm going to have to start running more than 4 miles at a time. Especially because I told myself I would run one more half marathon before I start training for THE marathon, just to make sure everything felt good and capable. I also really hate running in races where I know anyone else running. So I might go back to indianapolis or maybe madison for this half before I get ready for the extreme social anxiety of the Chicago marathon. when i have a really crappy 4 mile, i start to doubt all possibilities of finishing a marathon. i definitely need to train for a half starting next week. i'm excited and annoyed at the same time.

ALSO jillian michaels- 6 week 6 pack- level 2 is NO JOKE. its really hard even though i have no semblance of a 6 pack and therefore am continuing to call it 6 week no pack. Either way, i'm about to go get my no pack on.

best.cake.ever.

Chocolate Cake with Caramel-Milk Chocolate Frosting.

 where would i be without Bon Appetit? i plan to make all 26 of the "let them eat 26 cakes" piece.

on a lighter note

valentine's day is kind of a cute holiday and i do miss getting valentines even though they were usually written by everyone's parents. i wish my birthday were literally any other day. it would make this holiday a little more tolerable. either way, i'm excited to actually see my valentine tonight. and i'm actually having a non-german chocolate cake again. last year i had a chocolate cake with ganache frosting and a cherry chocolate mousse layer, but i was disappointed in it. in my heart i wanted to go back to german chocolate but i resisted and found this other chocolate cake that will hopefully be more promising than last year's. i wish i could spend valentines day with Matt instead of in various labs.

in other news, Portlandia is kind of getting more and more disappointing with every episode. sad.

its my birthday; ill cry if i want to.

Birthday morning organic chem lab write ups are not fun. i should be sleeping or going out to breakfast or something. my dad still hasn't said happy birthday yet and he's been up for half an hour. wah wah wah. monday is the lamest day of my week and therefore incredibly lame for a birthday or valentine's day. i don't get done with class until 9:35pm and that means no going out to dinner, which is why we went to lincoln park last night for pizza and the trip to icream alone was worth it. i really need to remember cinnamon ice cream with graham crackers and bananas. that is choice. sad that we won't be able to do these things when matt moves out but entirely worth it. i just hope it happens within the next month or so. although when you're waiting on FAFSA it might not happen until the summer, which is ridiculous. its lame that my dad tries to get me to eat pancakes every day of the week EXCEPT on my birthday, when i would be willing to have them. any break from this fucking lab report. plus i didn't write down how to calculate the theoretical yield for this experiment and now i have no idea. i know i said i would rather be in organic again than physics but now i just don't know anymore! NEITHER.

Ok...

maybe i'm too mean. dinner was really good. i've had too much alcohol this weekend.

that's hot

i'm wearing my retainer. i'm super bloated. at least i showered today.

working on being- what unbearable lightness?

according to weather.com it is currently 10 degrees outside but feels like -8. according to my phone its 7 degrees. and according to the thermometer in the kitchen its 11. there is no consistency in temperature or anything else. how am i supposed to prepare for my life with so much variability? how am i supposed to get through with my life with absolutely no certainty? IS EVERYTHING GOING TO BE OKAY? the lack of answers will give me ulcers. i've conditioned my body to believe every change in my "plan" is literally the end of the world. even if that change is as stupid as getting stuck behind a train for 25 minutes. have i always been the person who commits the felony of crossing the tracks before the gates go up because i just CAN'T wait any longer? i don't think so, but apparently i am now. i don't want to accept that the person i am now is who i am destined to be. i really don't hate surprises. its hard creating a life plan for yourself that requires every single aspect go your way in order to be successful. well its actually easy to create it, but its much harder to follow through. because of all the variability. because people aren't constant or consistent and even the most perfect life plan is uncertain if there are people in it. but i don't hate people. and i don't hate surprises. i just hate the fear of not knowing. 

the final realization that there is nothing unique about you, nothing unique about your dreams, and nothing unique about your talents is a challenge to accept. and i haven't accepted it yet.

"It was always half invented
but the other half was good."
jimmy eat world

lives of quiet desperation

why am i still awake? i can't sleep because i switch between scenarios of potentially returning the shoes i bought and regretting it and my psychiatrist being mad because i haven't been there in so long. is there a limit on how many psychiatrists can be prescribing you drugs at any given time? i want to just switch psychiatrists all together to avoid this disastrous situation i've created in my head.

i don't even know if these shoes fit or not.

daily internal monologue of anxiety

i have an almost-panic attack every night. i go through a list of things in my head that i may or may not have forgotten to do and then convince myself that i did, in fact, forget to do them. I'm worried that my psychiatrist won't see me anymore because i don't take my welbutrin everyday and have lapsed so much that i should have needed a refill months ago but haven't. i don't know how to explain myself in this situation. i don't know how to feel anything but guilt and panic about it. i no longer have test anxiety alone, but anxiety about everything.

did i lock the door of the clinic? did i put the "closed" sign out? did i call everyone back who needed to be called? did i give out the right meds? did i chart those meds? did i relay all the important voicemails? did i do my online homework? did i finish all other assignments? are my lab partners going to print out the graphs for the group or should i remake my own?  did i study enough for physics? am i studying enough for physics? if i studied more, would i understand what was going on? is physics going to prevent me from getting into vet school? did i actually feel good on my run today or was i just running at a slow pace? will i be able to run a marathon? will i set a time goal for myself even if i say i'm not going to? will i be able to prevent myself from setting a time goal? have i gained weight? can people see it in my face? should i start asking professors for letters of rec now? will they even remember me? am i applying to law school this fall too? will i do poorly on the GRE since i didn't do very well on the SAT? is this my calling? should i be doing something else? should i order the solutions manual for my physics book even though it only has answers to the odd problems and costs $60? does everyone in my class understand tension but me? is there more to tension than i think there is or less? does everyone in my class understand everything better than me? why is our homework grade based on a quiz grade? why is everyone always trying to give quizzes? has my anxiety over tests and quizzes gotten worse? should i have taken this at northern? will anyone take into consideration the fact that i didn't cheat to get whatever grade that i got, that i didn't just memorize old exams? does this mean anything to anyone anymore or just me? does it even mean anything to me or am i just jealous of everyone who got an A by cheating? is law school actually hard or just boring and tedious? why haven't i called uic about micro for the summer? why do i always put everything off until its too late? should i be getting my nursing prereqs too? should i be a nurse? why am i still scared of cats? what if i don't get into law school either? what if i have no safety? what if i don't get into vet school? what if i don't get in? what if i don't get in? what if i don't get in? is it just me or do none of the examples in the book apply to any of the questions at the end of the chapters? do i drink too much? do i just make up mental illnesses for myself because i'm bored or am i actually psychologically unwell? did i forget to go to the farm? is everything ready for PADS? am i doing a good job? am i busy enough? if i have time to run 3 mornings a week, should i actually be taking another class? how do you stop an anxiety attack from spinning out of control? is it normal for my chest to hurt? am i making that up? am i a hypochondriac? is there an end to this madness?

except my life, except my life, except my life.

Mine smell like honey

School sucks this semester. Nothing annoys me more than not understanding the material. Or matt saying "aboo boo be boo." Ugh I'm grinding my teeth just thinking about it.

Today's run went surprisingly well.

I registered for the Chicago Marathon a few days ago. Evidently, I'm an idiot.

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.

Tonight, in physics, I had the terrifying realization that I would rather be doing orgo.

A small part of me dies every time my professor says to the class "that's pretty intuitive, right?" And I think "no?!"

24 in 2 weeks. Valentine's day seems especially annoying this year.