the sound of lonliness makes me happier

Sometimes i worry for my mental health. There are days when i don't even know what's wrong with me. i don't know if i've always been like this but part of me thinks i have. i'm not cut out for this. and i find no solace in the silence.

settle baby you are not the sun.

from gutter to glam

today i didn't wear a hoodie to class. i actually wore a white baby doll tee with my green zip urban outfitters sweater. this is a shocking development/improvement. someday i think i will be able to go a whole week without wearing a hoodie to class.

i appreciate my well rounded liberal arts college.

i still don't have a resume and need one.

i want another ipex demi. i NEED another ipex demi. i never have enough bras.

get me to winona.

i'm tired. and i cant wait for my single next year. i love costco.

I always want carbs at night

I hate running into people in the library who i thought were my friends and pretended to be my friends for about a month and then started ignoring me. Its especially painful when one of them is still borrowing my clothes including my most expensive pair of jeans.

If i don't get into either of the interims i applied for im going to be really sad.

i really want chips right now and this apple is just not doing it for me. tomorrow we are playing kickball in basketball and im just relieved to get a break from basketball and looking like an idiot. I've done half my math test and i hope its right.

This weekend i want to buy a new cartigan in Winona. I also want to eat Taco Johns!

Today i submitted a secret to the stolaf post secrets. Its one that, thank god, no one here could ever trace back to me. unless they recognize my handwriting which is unlikely, but would be not so great. I registered for classes tonight and got what i wanted even though i wasnt really worried about it. my fall of 07 consists of...

English 185- Literary Studies
English 221- Lit. in England to 1650
History 272- Women in America
Spanish 232- Intermed. Spanish 2

On Being Pro-Palestine

So I don't support Isreal. In fact, I support palestine. In fact, I kind of hate the Israeli military and i think they should be brought to trial for crimes against humanity. I am so mad at the US government for continuing to support Israel despite their unjust treatment of Palestinians daily. The Gaza Strip and West Bank are the only places where Palestinians can live without persecution and they are continuously being pushed out of those areas too. STOP IT DAMNIT.

ALSO- someone sent me some weird monk-e-mail on career builder. it was extremely creepy and said "i have been watching you and i think youre amazing. i know you have a lot of problems with other guys but i can be the guy of your dreams"

nice. thats the pick up line i always fall for. i especially like the lots of problems with other guys line. that makes me feel really good inside.

i dont like it when courtney calls me a brand whore.

"Why is your family Scottish?"
"Why is YOUR family ROSS?"

I WANT TO GO TO IRELAND FOR INTERIM!!!!!!!

beating a dead horse.

"It seems that people who have lived on the earth for so many centuries have used much of their cunning to discover this marvellously secret way of concealing the fact that they are continuously eating and being eaten by those whom they love."
Janet Frame

I don't know what to do about anything anymore. I wake up and wait for the day to end. I dread phone calls from my family but dread knowing that they won't come even more. I don't understand my friends. I don't understand the people who won't be my friend. I just don't get it. Its just not the way I pictured anything. Maybe it won't work and maybe it is finally time to be done.

"People do not cry because it is the end. They cry because the end does not correspond with their imagination of it."
Janet Frame

wasps in my room

nothing ever works out.

its why i'm always pacing around or walking away

its weird to me that people become so much more when they die or get famous. and that these are the two situations that bring it out. i only have two examples. ronny dying. after he died and i had to explain it to people i always said that one of my best friends committed suicide. ronny was not my best friend when he died, and i dont really know if he ever was. there was a time when i would have considered him one of my closest friends but that time was so brief that i don't know if it really counts in the grand scheme of events. i don't know if i said this for pity or sympathy or why. i just know that i did it and maybe now i see that it was wrong.

the other person i do this to is jeanae. i know for a fact that jeanae was my best and only friend at one point in my life. though that point was 6 years ago i still use the 'one of my best friends phrase.' it kind of makes me sick knowing i've been so desperate for attention that i've name dropped. i don't know jeanae anymore or what her life is like. i'm just as much an outsider as everyone else. but i was with her at probably the most crucial point in both of our lives though at the time we had no idea. i had no friends and needed her. i believe that because of who we were at ages 12-15, we determined who we would be for the rest of our lives. that is not to say that we are the same or have ever really been on the same page. but this jaded view of life that i know she shares was born in what i consider to be the lonliest years of my life full of desperate pleas for parental affection and, when ultimately not gaining that, a somewhat downward spiral of alcohol, pot, and self mutilation. usually these unhappy years come later for other people along with the self-medicating. i know the fact that it happened to us so early is weird.

every decision that i have made or that has been made for me in advance has affected who i am now. i dont know who i would have been if i had gone to conant with jeanae and its weird to think that that person may be completley different from who i am today. and that only changing a high school could have altered me that dramatically. i don't know who i would have been if i had gone to boarding school like my dad was pushing for. i dont know if i was destined to end up on this anticlimactic path to grad school career and normalcy and if she was always going to be the interesting one regardless. but i just want to die a little inside when i think about my daily complaints of writing annotated bibliographies for 60 sources because when did these mundane details consume my life?

i want to know when i became such a cynic. and i also want to know why god hates me and gave me such a terrible room draw number making it almost impossible for me to get a single.

contrary to popular belief

i do want to be outside enjoying the weather. but i want to do it with my friends not these weird people who go to my school. mainly because theyre weird. and i have nothing in common with them. this is confusing to me. but not as confusing as the rotting smoothie left overs that my roommate left on her desk days ago. its one of the most disgusting things ive seen and im not that surprised that its there to begin with.

i don't know where i'm supposed to be but getting off the highway at northfield was not the right thing to do.

i also love having classes with people and talking to them in those classes and then seeing them outside of class and getting completely ignored. part of me wants to laugh, part wants to cry. its all just SO dramatic.

ok you're not an idiot

i just get frustrated and dont know what to do.

so just stop smoking pot.

you're an idiot

i think you're an idiot and you smoke way too much weed and right now i cant even stand you. you never call me back. you say you'll call and then you forget. its ridiculous and pathetic and i'm saying this as a friend but it has to stop or this friendship will. i didnt realize what a big deal it was for you and how much of your life it really does consume. if you think youre going to make it as a professional golfer at the rate youre going, you're a little mistaken. you treat your body like shit, and because of that it will never respond the way you want it to.

call me when your sober. or don't call me at all. at this point i really don't care. you're not someone i want to spend time with.

i'm sick of the excuses.

g.l.a.m.o.r.o.u.s.

flossy flossy

so my computer broke today. which is awesome. i love Dell. i also have some sick ass project to do for math that i really dont want to do. i hate my blog layout/template but im too lazy to change it. i'm really tired right now. i'm also getting a C in basketball so i plan to drop it on thursday. what a waste of time. id like to do fitness walking in gym. or any gym class that starts after noon. well not basketball again thats for sure. i hate gateways to math. its the most useless class ive taken this year. maybe even ever. amy is getting me a job this summer at benigans so thats pretty sweet. is it bennigans? i dont know. either way, ill be rollin.

so if you ain't got no money take yo broke ass home.

if these walls could talk

i don't really know what to say or who to say it to. if there was ever a chance that 2007 was going to be easier and happier than 2006 it has already gone out the window. its amazing how little you know about a person until you are betrayed; at which point you are finally able to put all the pieces together to gain an ultimate, albeit delayed, understanding of the person. and suddenly ahh. it all makes sense. and i guess its not really that much of a shock after all. and families get destroyed everyday. and its true that this love really is silent, so silent that i doubt its existence most of the time.

and suddenly courtney is the only one you can trust.
and not so suddenly, you're not so surprised anymore.

there is something completely unsatisfying about where i am in life right now. i guess i will just keep trying to hold whatever together despite your continuous apathy and indifference. the role reversal amazes me and i feel like i'm dying inside a little more everyday. maybe it doesn't really matter. maybe we finally killed whatever it was we had and now youre realizing it. maybe explanations. maybe nothing.


“I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you.”
-Nietzsche

viva la white girl

i want to go to this place called Orange. 75 W. Harrison and theres one somewhere on Clark st. too. lame ass giaddasad whatever the fuck on the food network went there. and even though i hate her, the place looks really good.

i don't want to go back to school. i actually hate school.

tiger will win today.

i don't really get religion

yes. it is snowing here.

and

no. i cannot stop eating.

That Was Just Okay for Me, Baby

Where to study abroad next? Cairo is out because my dad said no. Fine. im not too upset about it because lily said cairo is dirtier than Buenos Aires and i cant even reallly imagine that. Here are the places that I am considering as of late...

Ghana
Namibia

thats it. ugh i better study abroad ill just be so annoyed with myself if i dont.

I can't stand almost all the people here. i dont know what to do about it. i dont know how im going to make it to mid-may.

these are the april showers

people here know nothing about drugs. its actually really sad.

"it was some kind of powdery drug. it might have just been marijuana or something"

AHHHHHHHHH. i need some marijuana just to deal with these obnoxious people.

i plan to spend every weekend of april at winona.

happy birthday stephen.

ME DUELE TANTO

just keep me where the light is

"Te conocí un día de enero,
Con la luna en mi naríz
Y como ví que eras sincero
En tus ojos me perdí"

well 24 hours, 3 in-flight meals, 1 missed connection and a free first-class upgrade later, i'm finally back in Northfield.

I'm getting really dizzy right now and i have no idea why. I need to read almost a whole novel by tuesday and i'm kind of annoyed with it because 50 pages in i already hate the 2 main characters. I really need thursday to come right now. I just want to get home to my dog and bed and uncomfortable green couch. Yesterday axle came in dirty from outside and as soon as my dad opened the door he told axle to "go get in the bath!" and axle, like the obedient baby he is, ran right up into the bathroom and jumped in the bathtub!!!! so CUTE.

Ive been looking at apartments on craigslist and i've gotta be honest, i cant help but feeling that life will be better when im living with courtney and shes working and im in grad school. i feel like im always saying this about the next important part of my life but this time i really hope its true.

psychotic cats are annoying. and im about 20 lbs overweight.

i'm ready for these 4 days at home and the inevitable fights that will ensue. hahaha. nonono no more fighting. so stop being an ass and stop freaking out. just golf.

i saw a job offering on Craigslist for a part time job at the Bamboo Room selling roses 2-3 times a month for $15 an hour. hahahahaha i WANT IT.

"Y aunque hayas sido un extranjero
Hasta en tu propio país
Si yo te digo '¿como dices?'
Tu aún dices '¿que decís?'
Y lloras de emoción oyendo un bandoneón"
shakira

fucking VOS conjugation. argentines arent nice.