Moments of 2004...

• 2/14 My birthday at midieval times
• 2/20-21 Anne Frank!
• 5/8 Prom
• 6/4 Relay for life followed by the SAT II's
• Summer School and 3rd class with Mr. Iverson. UGH.
• Taking the ACT 3 times
• 7/16-18 Visting BC and BU
• 7/31 Reel Big Fish
• 8/19-22 Visting Virginia and DC
• 9/3 Getting the wisdom teeth out
• 11/2 BUSH!
• 12-4 SAT II's again
• Getting into Colorado Sate and Minnesota
• Getting Dotty/Clackett
• 12/10-12 Model UN. the best.

In 2004...

I lost friends, I found friends, I made friends and I broke friends. I lost and found myself. I found I LOVED US history and absolutely HATE calculus. I met fairweather friends along with some stormy weather. I lost track of the local music scene and found peace in the Eagles. I also developed a hidden love for Ashlee Simpson. I feel closer to self-actualization but farther from a decent GPA. I've felt funny and sad. I've felt lonely and glad. I've felt like rhyming and then sometimes not. I re-established connections and watched as some dissolved. I loved Garden State and hated Saw. Not everything i did this year was completely honest and some of the decisions i made were morally and literally illegal but i don't regret them because they have helped me because the well-adjusted individual i am today. Things have changed and I have changed. If one thing has remained constant in 2004 it has been my nosebleeds. Its been a roller coaster of emotions to say the least. and the overall taste of the year is bittersweet.

audrey

Series One - The usual
.....Name: Audrey
.....Birthdate: February 14th
.....Birthplace: Hoffman Estates
.....Current Location: Schaumburg
.....Eye Color: blue
.....Hair Color: dirty dirty blonde/light brown
.....Righty or Lefty: right
.....Zodiac Sign: this is the dawning of the age of aquarius
.....Innie or Outtie: innie

## Series Two -
.....Your Heritage: German Irish
.....The shoes you wore today: birks
.....Your hair: almost shoulder length!
.....Your fears: not getting into bc. missing out on love.
......Your perfect pizza: canadian bacon and pinapple how do you spell thaT? oh my god.
.....One thing you'd like to achieve: decent grades

## Series Three - What is:
.....Your most overused phrase: har-dee-har-har
....Your thoughts first waking up: "what time is it"
.....The first feature you notice in the opposite sex: Height and eyes
......Your best physical features: um. im bad at that.
......Your bedtime: weeknights usually like 11
.....Your greatest accomplishment: every play i'm in.

## Series Four - You prefer:
.....Pepsi or coke: coke, diet coke.
.....McDonald's or Burger King: burger king. yesyes.
.....Single or group dates: single
......Adidas or Nike: ADIDAS!
.....Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Lipton
.....Chocolate or vanilla: I used to hate chocolate but now im going to go with that.
.....Cappuccino or coffee: cappuccino
.....Boxers or briefs: boxers

## Series Five - Do you.
.....Smoke: not really
.....Cuss: yes
.....Sing well: no but thats not stopping me from trying out for the musical
.....Take a shower: i do.
.....Have a crush(es): yeah
......Who are they: im going to be lame and not say
......Do you think you've been in love: yes
.....Want to go to college: yeah
.....Like high school: sometimes... no no i dont.
.....Type w/ your fingers on the right keys: indeed.
.....Get motion sickness: haha yes i do
.....Think you're attractive: no i don't.
.....Think you're a health freak: no way
.....Get along with your parents: yes
......Like thunderstorms: yeah
.....Play an instrument: no. i can play my heart will go on on clarinet.

## Series Six - In the past month, did/have you:
.....Drank alcohol: yes
.....Smoke(d): yes
.....Done a drug: yes
.....Have Sex: no
.....Made Out: yes
.....Gone on a date: I suppose you could say that
.....Go to the mall?: yeah ugh
.....Eaten an entire box of Oreos: i don't think ive ever done that
.....Eaten sushi: yes. love it.
.....Been on stage: no.
.....Been dumped: no
.....Gone skating: no but i wanted to at model UN
.....Made homemade cookies: yes yes
.....Been in love: hm. well yeah.
.....Gone skinny dipping: haha no that was a one time deal at justins
.....Dyed your hair: no
.....Stolen anything: no

## Series Seven - Have you ever:
.....Played a game that required removal of clothing?: yes
......If so, was it mixed company: yes
.....Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: um.. yes
.....Been called a tease: yes
......Gotten beaten up: by bianca yes
......Changed who you were to fit in: yes

## Series Eight - The future:
.....Age you hope to be married: 27
.....Numbers and Names of Children: 3. Charlotte, Hannah, Jack
....Describe your Dream Wedding: lots of flowers, big, but not stuffy.
....How do you want to die: peacefully
.....Where you want to go to college: boston college. come on now.
......What do you want to be when you grow up: something cool
.....What place would you most like to visit: australia. galapagos islands.

## Series Nine - Opposite sex:
.....Best eye color?: Green or Blue.
.....Best hair color?: doesnt matter really
.....Short or long hair?: meh i dont think it matters
.....Best Height? taller than me. so probably over 6.
.....Best weight: i dont really know
.....Best articles of clothing: oxford shirts
.....Best first date location: downtown
.....Best first kiss location: downtown
.....Turn ons: being funny, being decisive, driving stick shift.
.....Turn offs: being a dick, being indecisive, yelling at me, being embarassed of me.

## Series Ten - Number of:.
....Number of people I could trust with my life: 5
....Number of CDs that I own: who knows. i lose them all.
....Number of piercings: 2 in each ear
....Number of tattoos: none.
....Number of scars on my body: hundreds
....Number of things in my past that I regret: nothing really.

SARDINES!

Today I'm cooking with Gagan and Keeley. For some reason i feel okay today.

Please take it easy, it can't all be my fault
I haven't made half the mistakes that you've listed so far
Baby let me explain something, it's all down to drugs
At least I remember taking them and not a lot else
It seems i've stepped over lines you've drawn again and again
But if the ecstacy's in the wit is definitely out
Doctor Jekyll is wrestling Hyde for my pride



Homework is looking daunting

The Play's the Thing

Finally it has come to be NOISES OFF! Its about god damned time too. i have to have act one memorized by thursday of next week, which is about a week. I am Dotty/Mrs. Clackett, This is very exciting. I'm probably going to do homework tonight. i know i should. ill never finish. boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

FORGET JULY.

I make an effort to not take myself seriously, or at least not take myself too seriously. I try not to be sensitive and i try not to take comments personally that weren't meant to be attacks. And like i do with most things at which i try, i generally end up failing. I could sing sappy love songs forever and never run out of things to say. Tonight it hurt when he said

"you just haven't experienced enough to know this isn't real."

It was about then when i wanted to scream that it was real and that it ate away at me every second of every day and showed no sign of relenting. The fact that i'm only 17 has no bearing on the width of my spectrum of feelings or my capacity to love. TO LOVE. like i won't be able to do that until im 30. since im not its just a crush.

i know i must go on and on about the same topic but does it really matter? Tonight we watched Vanilla Sky. i hadn't seen it before, unless you count the time i watched it with ali and fell asleep after the opening credits. it was good i guess in a weird way. i could write books, encyclopedias if you wanted a real look at redundance, on the way i feel and how i have trouble dealing with that. This year has been tumultuous to say the least. but isnt every year?

Does anyone ever remember anything?
Because i remember everything and i'm starting to wish i didn't.

I CAN'T.

I already bought a prom 2005 magazine. like they say..

you can take the girl out of prom but you cant take prom out of the girl. alas, one of my more shallow vices. Christmas was fine as far as they go. Lots of barnes and noble gift cards. 50 $1 bills. very convienent. I love Lauren Mangiaforte!

I wish keiko could come home today.

Tonight i'm going out to the movies and to dinner with ronny and his family haha. i know. its a little weird. either way, i've still got presents to give. so if you haven't picked yours up, stop on by.

Break is almost over and i haven't started homework yet.
2 macro chapters
the calc project
finish hamlet
study for the genetics test.
weeeeeee

My family is crazy.

Its christmas eve. Just say hello to the ground. I don't feel like i'm falling down. I want to hold you like never before because we're falling and i love you more and more. I am going to the 10:30 service tonight.

Next year I will be able to start over. I'm wondering if Boson College is too far of a reach for me. I took so long to figure out what this book has been about. I'm curious about the rest of my life.

Most Beautiful Place: Hawaii


I'm scared that there's no answer
I'm scared that there's no truth
In this life of mine, there is only time.

Tonight will be
The night that we
Begin to ease
The plugs out of the dam
And we will stand
Knee deep in the flow
The undertow will
Grab our heels and won't let go
And while we hold
Our legs quivering
The water rises now
To our teeth when we just let go

And sail, belly up to the clouds
The rocks scraping our backs
To breathe in the air will be
The only thing that we have

And all the wasted nights
And empty moments in our lives
Flushed away
As we sway with the rhythm
Of the waves
Bobbing us up
Crests fall to troughs
Feel our gills open up

And if the hook sets in
The bottom of our lungs
We'll rip it out and
Lick the blood off with our tongues

Despair
Can ravage you
If you turn your head around
And look down the path
That's led you here
Cause what can you change?
You're a vessel now
Floating down the waterways
You can take your rudder
And aim your ship
Just don't bother
With the things left in your wake

Just sail, belly up to the clouds
The rocks scraping your back
To the breathe in the air will be
The only thing that you have

And your love will be warm nights
With pockets of moonlight
Spotlighting you as you drift,
The actor in this play
And you walk across the stage
Take a bow and hear the applause.
And as the curtain falls,
Just know you did it all
The best that you knew how
And you can hear them cheering now
So let a smile and show your teeth
Cause you know you lived it well.


saves the day

I Starve for You.

We can live like Jack and Sally if we want
Where you can always find me
And we'll have Halloween on Christmas
And in the night we'll wish this never ends


I wish someone would just tell me h.o.w. this all ends? will i ever stop waiting for an absolution that will never come? what is my future?

"i hope that you're happy, you really deserve it"
"this will be best for us both in the end"
"i've been meaning to call you, i've just been so busy"
"we'll catch up soon"
"lets make it a point to"


Honest thought of the day: I just don't think i'll ever get over you.

i hung out with greg tonight and watched napolean dynamite. it was funny. Kip is such a creep.

who's got their claws in you my friend?
into your heart i'll beat again.

i hate when sometimes i get my hopes up about something and its never what its cracked up to be. i hate how ive been thinking about the same person for like... 5 years. is this pathetic? just tell me when to stop and i will try and not succeed.

merry christmas baby
merry christmas baby
merry christmas baby

people just need to stop talking for 5 seconds and think.

Last night I had a dream that we didn't get Noises Off. Would she just call already?! I'm starting to dream about theatre. ahhhhhhhhhhhh!


I DONT WANT TO FINISH THE UVA APPLICATION!!!!!

YOUR NEW AESTHETIC

I'm not mad that we aren't friends anymore. People grow up. Things change. Life happens.

While downstairs watching Starsky and Hutch with my brother...

me: I'm so tired. are you tired?
eric: no
me: oh.
eric: maybe you're not breathing




yeah im sure thats it. thanks buddy.

Queer as Folk is a good show. In a weird homoerotic kind of way. Brian is soooo hot. I wish he wasn't like 30 in real life. I was at keiko's until 5 this morning. I'm hungry right now. I just woke up. I can't brush my teeth because my brother is in the bathroom taking a shower. What will the day bring? I hope something good.


Don't forget to let your life rot you inside out.

When was it that you lost your youth or traded
It for something more for them to use so jaded
Why is it that you never said
'I love you more than just a friend'
I pray this gridlock never ends
And when we get there just depends.
I found out recently that you are leaving
For good I hope I softly tell my ceiling
It's better now to be alive
Sleeping is my 9 to 5
I'm having nightmares all the time
Running out of words that rhyme
Everything that you could never say
Would never matter anyway
I took a hammer and two nails to my eardrums long ago
Before that steak knife took my eyes
I looked up to the sky
For the last thing I would ever see
For the last time I'd cry
When was it that you sold your life or wasted
Every bite of that small slice you never tasted
I guess I should be one to talk
There's nights that I can't even walk
There's days I couldn't give a fuck
And in between is where I'm stuck
From blocks away I heard somebody screaming
That small child inside of you that you left bleeding
You stabbed him up not once but twice
Cubicles will now suffice
Some say it's the roll of the dice
I think they're wrong I know I'm right
Every breath that I could barely breathe
Would barely make it past my teeth
I took a blowtorch to both of my lungs a long, long time ago
And Every step that I could take
Is more difficult to make
Mr. Chainsaw came and took my legs a long, long time ago



Alk3

You're the Secret I Keep.

Last night Wrong Way Peach Fuzz went to Mission. It was way better than I expected and so funny. First we saw Ken, who I hadn't talked to in like 3 years. He remembered Keiko's name and not mine. I felt awesome, especially since I had the biggest crush on him in 6th and 7th grade. We sank to the beat and Charlie came too. Thats when things really got funny. I didn't dance with anyone really, except charlie. Some weird looking guys came up to gagan and it was the funniest thing ever. There were a lot of skanky girls there, some were fat and that was also funny. I was in awe of the way some people can move and bend. haha. I just woke up like 20 minutes ago. I feel like i wasted my day, probably because i did. I need to shower because I feel disgusting. last night i wore sandels that had maybe a 2 inch platform, which wasn't even that bad but i felt like mountain compared to everyone else who could be molehills. Tonight i don't know if im going to really do much. I think i'll wrap christmas presents. I was going to take care of spike until Ryan called and said he didn't need me to. sad audrey.

Last night I felt like Elphaba and Keiko was Galinda once again. In some aspects, I'm okay with that. I do get to have an awesome affair with Fiyero, if i ever find him.

Stop Breathing for Me.


Tonight. or last night rather, was awesome. I hung out with Wrong, Way and Fuzz. I'm peach. is that disgusting or what? the night was totally off the hook.

Oh no! oh no! oh no!

Props to Brian for giving us something to talk about all night. Har-dee-har-har. all in good fun, naturally.

I'm starting to really like coffee. I need to go to bed. Tomorrow is going to be a big day, well not really till the night when the party gets going.

Its the freakin weekend, baby i'm about to have me some fun. Anyone wanna dance? lets go. Its time for the iPod and my down comforter. Poor toilet dog has to sleep somewhere on the floor amongst the laundry baskets, strewn clothing, and suitcase.

Let me remember this night whenever i feel lonely.

In the opinion of this MC, the assembly was a success. Craig mariano was great and la dee da it was probably the only good assembly since Luke. Most rational people would look at the homework i have and start it 2 hours ago. I am not most people and i am certainly not rational. That is why i have not yet looked at my homework and i am going to the basketball game instead. As long as we all know where our priorities lie.

Other interesting things that happened today:

My brothers friends said i was hot. HAHA
I ate mcdonalds with keeley and ronny
I feel like everyone knows where they are going to school except me
I won't know until 117 days from today
Mr Murmann made fun of me again
Brian made me feel bad about myself
yay.
Keiko danced Hottly. yes with 2 t's hot is now an adverb.

now here we go to kick conants ass....

Today was long and tiring. Mike came over to help me study but oh gee he didnt know any of it! har-dee-har-har!!!!


CONGRATS RYAN!!!!!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS, I COULD CARE LESS.

If you only once would let me, only just one time. Then be happy with the consequence, with whatever's going to happen tonight. don't think we're not serious. when's it ever not? the love we make is give and its take. i'm game to play along. all i can say, i shouldn't say. can we take a ride? get out of this place while we still have time?


3 more days till winter break and honestly, i don't know if i'll make it. lol

There was never any place for someone like me to be totally happy.

i didn't go to school today.w ell i did, but then i came home.

I just went through the frost year book from 8th grade. It was pretty amazing.

could these hours add onto our life stories?

I know i'm not in APpsych but i wanted to make a life goals list anyway, just to have. so consider this one of my all too frequent acts of conformity or idea stealing. here they are in no particular order:

1. Read everything Shakespeare ever wrote
2. Get married and have 3 kids
3. Go skydiving... twice.
4. Write a book/play/screenplay
5. Live in a foreign country for a year
6. Go to Australia; travel all over the world
7. Fall in love
8. Buy a cabin on a lake
9. Have unlimited amounts of pets forever
10. Self- Actualization


I plan on changing the world, so who's with me?

Tribute to the Eagles with others in mind.


Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?
You been out riding fences for so long now
Oh, you're a hard one
I know that you got your reasons
These things that are pleasing you
Can hurt you somehow

Don't you draw the queen of diamonds, boy
She'll beat you if she's able
You know the queen of hearts is always your best bet
Now it seems to me, some fine things
Have been laid upon your table
But you only want the ones that you can't get

Desperado, oh, you ain't getting no younger
Your pain and your hunger, they're driving you home
And freedom, oh freedom well, that's just some people talking
Your prison is walking through this world all alone

Don't your feet get cold in the winter time?
The sky won't snow and the sun won't shine
Its hard to tell the night time from the day
Youre loosing all your highs and lows
Ain't it funny how the feeling goes away?

Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?
Come down from your fences, open the gate
It may be raining, but there's a rainbow above you
You better let somebody love you, before it's too late.

PULL ME UNDER YOUR WEATHER PATTERNS
THE SUNSHINE OR THE RAIN DON'T MATTER.

Something about walking downtown with your friends in the winter makes you feel all warm inside even if he won't let you stop and get hot chocolate at one of the 50000 starbucks you pass. this weekend was awesome. I loved it. I can't wait for next weekend. thanks keiko, brian, ross, emily, dag, kevin, and everyone else for making it awesome.

this is my best friend keiko and she's going to BROWN!


CIMUN 2004!!!!!! hahaha what a nerd i am.



Well maybe this time I can follow through
I can feel complete, stop paying dues
Stop the rain from falling
keep my oceans calm
This time I know nothings wrong.

Safe from the world and all their stupid questions
"hey did you get some?"
man that is so dumb.

im feeling too flustered.

im going to see keiko dance tonight at the game.

i feel so stupid.

my whole entry got deleted. i'm pissed!!!!!!!

Keiko, everything i see is FUN!

We didn't start the fire! it was always burning since the world's been turning! we didnt start the fire! no we didn't light it, but we're been trying to fight it!!!

I LOVE MY DOG!

This is my autobiography:

I've got blood on my blue jeans
People think i do coke
right now im sober
but that will be changing eventually

HAHAHAH just kidding. i really dont do coke. there is just something wrong with my nose.

KEIKO EVERYTHING I SEE IS SO FUN.

SHA SHA

Nothing isn't nothing. Nothing's something thats important to me. Thats right. Tonight i went to hobby lobby. i did go. i did buy random pieces of ribbon and fabric. my hair is wet right now and i dont want to blow dry it so its going to be wet 4eva. haahahahahahha HAR-DEE-FUCKING-HAR. Jimmy Eat World just came on iTunes and that made me think of harrison. oh thats funny. speaking of people who i never talk to but said they would always keep in touch, Jeanae was at school today picking up chris for lunch. weird? yes.

I am wasted but I'm ready. Today we took a partner quiz in Calc and tony and i were confused. i also did poorly on the genetics quiz. I'm determined to do better though. Spanish is lame. Health is.. well you know. I need to finish the project for Lit because i havent done that. ha! of course i havent!


WE didn't start the fire! no we didn't light it, we've been trying to fight it! we didnt start the fire! no it was always burning since the world's been turning!

An Ode to Maybe

I'm feeling out of sorts lately. Slightly dejected. Auditions were today. So i guess we'll see tomorrow if i got called back. I broke character in the middle so theres one reason for strock to not cast me. i know she's looking for one. oh well. i realized that not being in a show might be a good thing. who knows. ive never really watched one. Keiko wasn't at school so i was naturally sad. We have to work on our puppets but we don't have any props. i have bags here but no glue or other necessary decorations. Maybei will go to hobby lobby to get them even though i really dont feel like going out again. I wish i could read minds, but alas, it is like a dream deferred.



COME ON SWEET CATASTROPHE!

WICKED!!!!

"You felt sorry for me, well isnt that right?"
"no no its because you are so beautiful"
"oh boq i think youre wonderful and we deserve eachother, dont you see this is our chance. and we deserve eachother."

"Something has changed within me.
Something is not the same.
I'm through of playing by the rules of someone elses game.
Too late for second guessing
too late to go back to sleep
its time to trust my instincts
close my eyes and leap...
its time try defying gravity...
I'm through accepting limits
cause someone says theyre so
some things i cannot change
but till itry ill never know
too long ive been afraid of
losing love i guess i lost
well if thats love, it comes at much too high a cost."



Everyone deserves a chance to FLY!


Tryst tryst tryst tryst tryst tryst tryst tryst tryst tryst

An article for the upcoming edition of the Sextant. Written and Unedited by yours truly.


This time of year is always considered “the season of giving,” but how much of this “giving” really comes from the heart? Every weekend countless organizations stand at the corners of busy intersections walking from car to car in search of donations. The people who do donate don’t give the money because they really want to help and give charity; they donate because they feel guilty. Is this an honorable way to collect donations? Should people donate out of sheer guilty conscience and not the desire to contribute? Maybe we need to start rethinking our motives. During the holidays, so many people spread the gospel of good cheer, but at the same time keep their road rage at an all time high. Woodfield Mall’s parking lot is packed every weekend with noisy obnoxious shoppers who insist on heckling slow drivers, slow walkers, and slow buyers. The lines are long and seething with irritation. It certainly sounds like good cheer. Its time to look beyond Woodfield and get a deeper understanding of what “giving” is really all about.
The holidays are more than just the simple act of buy presents. People always feel compelled to buy gifts for acquaintances not because they are caring, but because they are selfish. Of course a nice gesture could brighten someone’s day, but it could also make the giver feel all warm and tingly inside. Aye, there’s the rub. In giving, people give to themselves the satisfaction of knowing they put that extra effort into getting presents for everyone they know. People see presents as a median of exchange, and in so doing, always expect to receive a gift in return. This thought process affects the way people shop for presents. The ideas of thoughtful and meaningful presents have long since been forgotten. The priorities of today’s shoppers are simple: gifts that are cheap and impersonal. By adhering to these criteria, shopping will be less hectic and certainly more affordable; thus allowing everyone to spend more time doing what America does best: eating and complaining. It seems our glass of eggnog is half empty and maybe we need to work on appreciating for the upcoming secular break for what it really is: a chance to relax and spend time with family and friends.

Words that rhyme with Dave:

Knave
Slave
Brave
Save
Rave
Gave
Pave
Grave
Cave
Wave

safely wanting what we're told to save and hope for.

So today was okay except that i got C on the health test which is both pathetic and funny. maybe just pathetic. no its funny. i need to write an article tonight about the "season of giving" its a little dark but i think its a side that needs to be seen. muahahahahahahaha. my hands are really cold. CHILLY! today i drew a pretty christmas picture for brian. everyone hates my deer but i think they were beautiful.i also need to write my stupid position paper tonight too. yuck, suck.



When i say lets keep in touch, i hope you know it means i wish that you'd grow up.

Tryst Tryst Tryst Tryst Tryst Tryst Tryst Tryst Tryst Tryst Tryst Tryst Tryst Tryst Tryst Tryst


I'm feeling out of luck. I'm feeling out of love. I'm feeling out of touch. I wonder how much I mean some of the things I say. I wonder if other people know. When I listen to Death Cab, I start to think about different things. HA, who am I kidding? I think about the same thing over and over again and how things change or how circumstance determines the ultimate outcome of every situation, even if the circumstance isn't really relavent. I guess some things aren't meant to be. but how do we know? and who makes the rules? I don't know if there is a such thing as love at first sight, but maybe love at first realization would be more appropriate. if that makes any sense at all. "the things i cannot say are all thinking me insane these days."

"When the dance is through, its me and its you. come on would it really be so bad? the things we think might be the same, but i won't fight for more. it's just not me to wear it on my sleeve. count on that for sure."


Tryst Tryst Tryst Tryst Tryst Tryst Tryst Tryst Tryst Tryst Tryst Tryst Tryst Tryst Tryst Tryst

Live and let die.


i owe apologies.


i owe lots of things.

Last night keiko dagmara and i saw closer. it was... i'm still not really sure how i feel about it yet. there was a really funny conversation though...


keiko: I still have that cigar we need to smoke
Audrey: we could do it tonight
Keiko: its too cold out tonight i dont want to sit outside
Dagmara: we could tomorrow night because we're going to be warm then.
All three: HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAH


Breakin' the law, breakin' the law.

Axle got a hair cut and he looks soooooooo pretty! today i took the SAT IIs and the math level 1 was hard for me, of course. i dont know how i did on lit. michelle chu sat next to me. and ryan beck was in the same room too. it was weird. i avoided eye contact with michelle. and she did the same to me. this is the second time in a month that ive seen her. since like... spain. i never know how to act in those situations. hopefully tonight will be fun.

I got this idea from someone's livejournal. i don't know her, but i'm copying this from her. she copied it from someone else so i guess it really doesn't make a difference. I'm going to say something about my friends but no names just numbers. this shouldn't take long.

1. You are the first person I think of and not a day goes by that I don't regret our lost year. you are so lovely and always stick up for me even though i'm "airy." I could go on for hours about youre greatness. "The windmills, audrey."
2. We don't really talk as much as we used to but I think things are just busy right now, eventually we can have our lame conversations about movies again and i can listen to you talk about how you wish you did heroine. haha.
3. I feel priviledged to be someone you confide in, someday i will repay you the honor. I'm always surprised when you call me and even more shocked that i never really scare you away. i guess 5 years of being friends/putting up with me will do that to a person.
4. We recently started hanging out again after like a 3 year break. Its cool. Sometimes i feel like i'm funny around you, most of the time i just feel like an idiot though. Quit smoking.
5. if someone would have said 4 years ago that i wouldn't know you now, i never would have believed it. but alas, i don't know you anymore. I bought you a christmas present, but i'll probably be too scared to send it.
6. You probably know me better than anyone else even though i would usually deny it. for whatever reason, you've hung around since 5th grade. You're smarter than i could ever dream of being and you let me know when i do something stupid.
7. You've made me see the world differently, i'll give you that. Sometimes i think your morbid attitude gets in the way of living your life. you don't have to dissect and analyze everything. Youre too anal retentive to do anything for yourself when i'm around and i'm a sucker about it.
8. You are my chicken of the sea and if LW hadn't happened, things might have been different. I'm glad it did happen. You make me feel cool even though your dog is weird looking.
9. You always know when to pull out The Jolly Mon. We will always have cinderella, and everything else. i know you didn't like me when you first met me, but now i think thats funny because you secretly want to hang out with me all the time. youre never really mad at me... are you?
10. I think we are very much alike and im glad we can lament over Schaumburg Theatre together. youre such a great girl i wish you could see that. you just need to step back and relax a second.
11. We've been friends for a while, but just started talking more this year. I'm glad i'm not the only one who doesnt understand calculus, even though you make fun of me like you know what youre doing.
12. I know you think i hate you. The truth is, i don't. I just need space. I'm sorry.
13. We're on, we're off and i know you hate it and i know you think i only want to be friends when its convenient for me. Its not true and i dont know what else to say except I will call you, bacause youre a bad seed, and i love that.
14. four words- "my heart will go on" har-dee-har-har
15. You probably don't even read this, but you should know that even though you're way up in milwaukee, i still think about you. I know i was an idiot when we were friends, but i think ive changed since then. I'm jealous of your college experience.
16. I know sometimes i scare you because i pretend to come onto you so often. you know i'm kidding. I know you think im an idiot for being conservative, but deep down you love me anyway. youre just a heart breaker.
17. two words- New Jersey. I miss you so much. i've written so many letters and so many cards and i've never sent them. I'd like to think that someday we could be friends again, but we are so different now. I'm stuck in the past.
18. Even if you saw this, you wouldn't realize it was you. I wish you could for once tell me honestly what you feel, because, truth be told, i don't know. you talk to me every few months just to keep me holding on. it works. forever.

"Again last night I had that strange dream
where everything was exactly how it seemed
concerns about the world getting warmer
people thought that they were just being rewarded
for treating others as they'd like to be treated
for obeying stop signs and curing diseases
for mailing letters with the address of the sender.
Now we can swim any day in November."

the postal service

No more lies. The ones we live will work just fine.

I can't pretend to know everything anymore. I've spread myself too thin and now i'm paying. Now i will write another poem...

I take my life too seriously
But you think I'm just funny
and never serious.
But i actually am serious
I just hide it
And its all fun and games
Until its not anymore.
What is my point?
I just love my dog.

Sometimes i try to be a transcendentalist. I'm okay on the half that requires introspection but for some reason i dont feel transcendental when i reflect on myself and my life. I think i just need more cow bell. sometimes i wonder, is anyone really happy? maybe we are all in a weird and awkward moment in our lives but where is the love? today ronny paid for my sandwhich at subway and i didn't even realize he was doing it. I think it will be funny to be ronny's wife. It sort of reminds me of my best friends wedding... maybe not. I wish my whole day could just consist of literature. something that is challenging yet understandable.

someone please define my life for me.

Never is a promise, and you can't afford to lie.

I'm somewhat disappointed in certain aspects of my life. well probably all. but whatever. I'm only complaing to keep myself busy, sweetie. I'm tired of life and blah blah blah you know how it is. i wrote a poem but i'm not going to put it on here. ill write a haiku instead.


The snow on the ground
Lets me know there's something more
Than grades and class rank

okay now another...

I thought I was smart
I'm not. I fail everything
Whatever that means.

one more...

My dog is so great
He doesn't care about grades
That's why he's awesome

last one...

Procrastination
And no justification
Just plain apathy.


fuck my face. fuck my name. they are brief and false advertisements for a soul i don't have. something true i have lacked. and spent my whole life trying to make up for.

i mean ashlee simpson probably didn't get really good grades and she turned out okay... right?



Monologue. if theatre doesn't save me, i'm doomed.

WORDS WORDS WORDS

except my life, except my life, except my liiiiiife







BABY JUST ASK ME