Am I still what you're looking for?

I am grateful for everyday my cat is not satan


I can't be anyone but who I've always been.

I will always burn the popcorn. I will always be the loudest person in the room. I will always be stubborn and impatient. I will always sing the same verse of one song over and over again. I will always be outspoken. I will always prefer sweatpants over jeans. I will always love lame sitcoms. I will always hate going to clubs. I will always start projects I don't finish. I will always be terrible at crafts. I will always want to go out to eat rather than cook. I will always love beer, even if I don't drink it. I will always be melodramatic. I will always exaggerate everything. I will always need an SSRI. I will always be annoyed with stupid people. I will always be a cynic. I will always be trying to reach self-actualization. I will always push buttons. I will always hate doing laundry. I will always want to order dessert. I will always steal your fries. I will always hate driving.

I will always answer your calls. I will always laugh at your jokes. I will always bake you cupcakes. I will always go on bike rides with you. I will always try to make you laugh. I will always watch scary movies with you. I will always eat pizza with you. I will always tell you that you're smart and capable. I will always believe we have a future. I will always support you. I will always miss you when I'm gone. I will always wait up for you to come home. I will always surprise you with beer. I will always go to hot yoga with you. I will always pick you up if you can't drive home. I will always hold your hand. I will always want to be your family. I will always love you .

i take the right pills everyday

why am i failing at succeeding at so many different things at the same time?

divide and fall apart.

monday tuesday wednesday thursday friday saturday. repeat. so simple and so impossible. in my dreams i am the person you need. in my dreams i can save myself.


"It's about time that I came clean with you
I'm no longer fine, I'm no longer running smooth
I thought that I'd found myself onto something new
Just one more line I repeat over and over again

Until I'm blue in the face with a choking regret
As I talk in circles around you on my bed
Can't say I blamed you one bit when you kept it all inside
When you left that night

It's about time that you got sick of me
No longer fun and so far from interesting
I thought that I found me a cure for feeling old
Just one more line to keep me sleeping loudly and cold

In disgrace with a shameful regret
As I speak in tongues to myself in my bed
Can't say I blamed you one bit when you kept it all inside
When you left that night

And all that followed fell like mercury to hell
Somehow we lost our heads for the last time
And all that followed fell like mercury to hell
Somehow we lost our heads for the last time"

i'll be ready for the funeral

we are not strong enough to get through a bad weekend. we are too far gone to remember what we ever had that was worth fighting for. we are too exhausted to look for it. we said so many things and made so many plans that don't seem to matter anymore. "If you love someone but you just can't seem to get it together, when do you get to the point where enough is enough?" "never." that idea was always something to hold on to when i felt like we were drowning. but it really doesn't save you if only one person believes it. I'm still saying never but i think you're saying today.



Build a wall of books between us in our bed
Repeat, repeat the words that I know we both said
Relax into the need
We get so comfortable
Remember when I was so strange and likeable

I just want back in your head
I just want back in your head
I'm not unfaithful
But I'll stray
When I get a little scared
When I get a little scared

When I jerk away from holding hands with you
I know these habits hurt important parts of you
Remember when I was sweet and unexplainable
Nothing like this person, unlovable

I just want back in your head
I just want back in your head
I'm not unfaithful
But I'll stray
When I get a little scared
When I get a little scared
When I get a little scared

I just want back in your head
I just want back in your head 

I felt you in my legs before I even met you And when I lay beside you for the first time I told you I feel you in my heart and I don't even know you
And now we're saying bye, bye, bye Now we're saying bye, bye, bye I was nineteen, call me
I felt you in my life before I even thought to Felt the need to lay down beside you and tell you I feel you in my heart and I don't even know you
And now we're saying bye, bye, bye Now we're saying bye, bye, bye I was nineteen, call me I was nineteen, call me
Flew home, back to where we met Stayed inside I was so upset I cooked up a plan, so good except I was all alone, you were all I had
Love you, you were all mine Love me, I was yours, right? I was yours, right?

Read more: TEGAN AND SARA - NINETEEN LYRICS

I felt you in my legs before I even met you And when I lay beside you for the first time I told you I feel you in my heart and I don't even know you
And now we're saying bye, bye, bye Now we're saying bye, bye, bye I was nineteen, call me
I felt you in my life before I even thought to Felt the need to lay down beside you and tell you I feel you in my heart and I don't even know you
And now we're saying bye, bye, bye Now we're saying bye, bye, bye I was nineteen, call me I was nineteen, call me
Flew home, back to where we met Stayed inside I was so upset I cooked up a plan, so good except I was all alone, you were all I had
Love you, you were all mine Love me, I was yours, right? I was yours, right?

Read more: TEGAN AND SARA - NINETEEN LYRICS

over and out

everything was beautiful and nothing hurt.

years built on sand

When there is nothing left to burn, you have to set yourself on fire.


Emptiness caught the better half of me
Concrete is my memory
My blood turned into a mean streak
Twisting every part of us.
Don’t say it’s all
don’t say it’s all been lost.

tortuous and torturous

Today was the first lab practical of anatomy and it was ridiculous. nothing brings you down quite like the equine hind limb. to say it was a brutal and violent slaughter of self-confidence would be an understatement. and for Shakespeare to have written tragedies without ever having taken gross anatomy, that's the real tragedy. who knows how sad and tragic Ophelia's character could have been if he had.

the youth of the nation

my kitten has no concept of object permanence.

The times, changes, etc.

sometimes i think about the people who used to dominate the way i felt about myself and I honestly cant believe it. the beauty of facebook is that it allows me to see everyone in a new light, in a revelatory light. my parents were right. the people i cared about so deeply when i was 13 ended up amounting to nothing. like seriously nothing. i almost feel bad saying it because there is a nostalgic part of me that naively believes these ridiculous people know i exist.

i also feel bad saying anyone amounted to nothing because who am i to judge? but this is my forum and its full of my judgments already so i might as well just alienate myself even further. let us say, for argument's sake, that my idea of 'amounting to nothing' involves not going to going to college/going to jail/being a career whole foods employee. because in this version of my life, those three scenarios adequately describe the current status of the people i thought were SOOO cool in my formative years.

i don't want to dwell on the jail thing, because frankly its not really that funny and i don't know much about it. but suffice it to say that when you are making facebook status updates about how you spent the last 40 days in cook county department of corrections, its time to rethink your life choices. i guess shit happens when you date musicians who are famous for 5 minutes before falling off the face of the earth.

HW is obviously the more entertaining character in this story. The recording artist, self-proclaimed health guru, and whole foods employee with an ill-founded vendetta against modern medicine. I could go on all day but i really have significantly more important things to do. i really just want to quote and laugh at a few brilliantly ignorant comments he has made public to the world via facebook, obviously.

"Your body has amazing healing capabilities if fed organic fruits and vegetables. Disease and cancer cannot exist in an alkaline environment" 

this is a moment when "WTF" is a totally appropriate response. first of all, i would say cancer could potentially exist anywhere. it is like the cockroach of disease. it is a survivor. it will never get voted off the island. Secondly, your body will never be an "alkaline environment." what does that even mean? UGH i could write a dissertation on how fucking moronic that sentence is. maybe i will if i get into an Oncology residency

"you get what you deserve in life."

no. you get what you get in life, whether you deserve it or not is completely irrelevant.


the take away message here is that my parents have been right about 98% of the time throughout my life. and i've been right about 40% of the time. i can only hope that as i get older (and obviously wiser) that i will be right about things more often than i'm not. anyway, this is my only rant before midterms.

i cant wait to go home for thanksgiving and see my darling Matt so we can watch movies and eat popcorn all week.

Cats are not small dogs

I would love to pass midterms. It is both relieving and terrifying that I only have 5 days until the anatomy/histology/radiology practical and 7 days until day one of midterms. Vet school may be a marathon, but the next week is just an all out sprint.


Thanksgiving, I will see you soon.

the country that eats its young

I think it takes balls to be a conservative woman today. and that is pathetic. It is just really not cool to be anything other than liberal. I'm so sick of the propaganda. I'm sick of people saying that conservatives are all homophobic, woman-hating, and uneducated. I'm sick of people deciding to be democrats but remaining completely politically ignorant.

I'm glad everyone voted for Obama because he's such a rock star. It is irrelevant that he's done absolutely nothing the last 4 years. It's MUCH better to have a sitting duck presidency than take all the (completely rational) risks associated with electing Romney, i.e. converting the whole country to Mormonism, making abortion illegal, taking away the right to vote from women, black people, and hispanics, and, of course, stealing from the poor and giving to the rich. That about sums up his platform, right?

does anyone who voted for Obama really know what his platform was for his second term? does anyone who voted for Obama know what a political platform is? DOWN WITH THE 1%, right? yeah. that about sums it up.

Here is my selfish political agenda:
1. I don't believe in the redistribution of wealth. at all. I want to decide what happens to the money I make.
2. I don't want to give any of my money to fight wars that don't involve me or my country.
3. I don't believe in welfare. at all.
4. I don't believe in punishing successful businesses or making up arbitrary income amounts (i.e. $250k./year) that guide tax brackets
5. I do believe in hard work
6. I do believe in personal accountability and an individually determined sense of moral obligation
7. I do believe in free will
8. I do believe in capitalism
9. I do believe in a balanced FUCKING budget

There is truly no such thing as a free lunch and I promise you, despite what he says, Obama can't give you one.

Today will not live on in infamy. But someone in the future is going to look back and wonder what could have possibly motivated us to make this decision for the future of our country.

drink coffee, make more, try to stay alive

This morning I dropped my foster "Hazel" off at 6:45 and she continues her trip from the dirty south up to Minneapolis. She was an extremely sweet and emaciated little Pitbull who had recently had puppies. Judging by her perfectly white teeth, she was probably less than 2 years old. Despite the fact that she had no table manners, tried to eat my dinner out of my hands, pooped on my floor right in front of me, was in heat and actively bleeding, and probably had fleas that she gave to my apartment, i really liked her.

i'm not going to get on my soap box about Pitbulls because i feel like i'm always on a soap box about something. and i hate the phrase "get on a soap box." why is it so common? or if it isn't common, why is it common at illinois vet med? because I heard it at least 5 times during the 2 days of orientation and i have heard it sporadically since then; and now i'm using it! where was i going with this? Right. Pitbulls. They are as nice and sweet as any other dog could potentially be (with the obvious exception of Sheba Inus, who are incapable of being sweet without malicious undertones... or just incapable period.) HAH! not kidding.

Today I pick up Atlas at 3! I've already spent at least $100 on cat stuff and that doesn't even include a litter box or litter or food. well it includes a little bit of food. I'm a very concerned cat owner already hahaha. Thanks to the Purina and Hills feeding programs, I can ALMOST afford to feed him only wet food, which is the goal. I'm worried he will be bored when I'm at class. especially on mondays and wednesdays when I'm gone from 9-6.  why am i getting a 12 week old kitten?!!? I guess i really am a masochist.

Its amazing how much time i spend studying and now i say things like  "I only got 2 or 3 solid hours of studying done yesterday, but I swear I'll be more productive today."

Today, if i play my cards right, I should get at least 6 hours and hopefully 7.

I just want to get a C on this quiz tomorrow but i would obviously also accept a B. The idea of an A is hilarious!

cranial tibial! cranial tibial! cranial tibial!