So much for running towards self-actualization

indefinitely out of commission as a runner; likely permanently out of commission. its no longer safe or responsible for me to run distances longer than 5 miles. oh well. that was fast.

The question

I now know that I would rather be really normal and really happy than really skinny and really crazy. This is more than an epiphany; this is taking back my life.

Watch your step

Throwing up and increased drinking generally arent  good signs of anything. I hope its nothing. I really do love my psychotic dog.

"In memory, everything seems to happen to music."

positively 4th street

run run as fast as you can

at least 7 miles was good yesterday. next year i want to run the Indy Mini and the Geist Half. i guess i'm not running any races this year other than the marathon. its slightly alarming. why aren't there more races on sundays? i can't just take every saturday off to go pay someone to time me while i run however many miles. but i really wish i could. i guess i'll run this half in Batavia even though the course has the dreaded "rolling hills." UGH

My impending doom

I finally got up the courage to email my Olaf professors for letters of recommendation. I felt totally stupid about going on and on about my stupid life but I hope they understand. I actually just hope they remember who I am. All this time, I thought I was a pretty memorable person, even if for the wrong reasons, but now I'm not so sure. I can't believe I'm applying in a few months, this is terrifying. I can't believe I have to request transcripts from Olaf, NIU, Syracuse, and Harper and then have them sent to U of I, U of M, Purdue, Kansas State, and Oregon State. Before that, I pretty much have to get a perfect score on the GRE on June 23rd. And before THAT I have to figure out how to get an A in physics and make sure I keep my A in stats. Then I have to celebrate Eric's 21st birthday and hopefully convince him that Gameworks is actually not a cool place to go for any day let alone for your 21st birthday.

No subject. Ever.

I'm worried about the direction my life is taking. Who am I? Im exhausted. With my life.

what is the rest of my life?

recurring dreams almost every night. i wrote a poem as i was falling asleep and i rhymed every line with hour. it was pretty bad. this morning i wrote a haiku comparing my contacts to jelly fish. thank god i don't remember it. other than something about both swimming freely in a sea of saline. i ate too much today.

Irony

If you hate everyone on Facebook and you hate all status updates and everything that Facebook "stands for," why not just delete it? Why do you care so much about what everyone else is saying that you feel the need to retort  via a new status? I just don't get how its worth the energy.

In other news I ate half of a large Lou malnatis thin crust.

Atrophy

4 days of not running has been awesome! I really don't know why I decided to try and run a Marathon. I hate exercise. I also hate anyone who woke up at 5am today just to watch the royal wedding.

Ew chai tea is spicy

There is a duck nest right next to our porch and the momma duck gets scared if you go in or out of the front door so now we only use the garage.

how am i not myself?

Eminem is playing at lollapalooza this year so every cloud has a silver lining. the cloud just happens to be my existence. i need to go read some Camus and ponder my insignificance.

cry cry cry.

we're not in infinity; we're in the suburbs.

me: "Eric, you would be a terrible air traffic controller."
my dad: "No he wouldn't, i think he would be great at it."

chicanery

if i get two cats i'm going to name them Nefarious and Perfidy. If i only get one cat i will name him Nefarious, unless he already comes with a name and it happens to be Stan, in which case, i will leave it.

i feel like the percent yield of my life is much lower than 100%.

i forgot to do my physics lab write up. oops.

Waste of a studying day

Ran at 7:30 am- 4 miles. It felt slow. My left leg hurts in a really strange way. Almost like its bruised all the way down. I didn't eat or drink anything before I went and that probably contributed to it feeling so rough.  My leg is starting to worry me.

Easter in Milwaukee was surprisingly uneventful and I probably should have stayed home and studied all day. I'm really tired now and don't want anything to do with physics. I hope that organic lab quiz isn't tomorrow.

run blogging

i figured the easiest way to keep track of my running was to write it on here. this could be obnoxious if anyone read this, but since no one does, at least it serves as a record keeper. hopefully i will be able to look at this and see if certain aspects of my day affect my run more than others i.e. sleep/food choice/time of run/hydration. i'm sure it will provide a lot more insight once i start wearing my watch and pacing but i'm still too scared of knowing how slow i am.

today i ate oatmeal at 7:30AM. i ran at 4 pm. an hour before my run i ate some pita chips and hummus and a banana. i ran 7 miles in my kinvaras and had absolutely no issues. my arches and knees feel fine. i never felt "tired." i noticed i was running more midfooty at the beginning and it almost felt like prancing. it was kind of awesome. hopefully ill be able to prance for longer distances as i wear them more often. i drank a little gatorade right before the run and 28 oz of water throughout the morning. i drank some more gatorade around mile 5. overall it was a successful run and i felt happy and fast and maybe not quite as knock kneed.

i've kind of given up on the brooks because they really hurt my knee and that's an injury that isn't worth the $100 i paid for the shoes. As for the triumphs, since they are significantly heavier than the kinvaras, i kind of don't want to race in them. i ran in the new ones once and they felt clunky and i felt slow. that's not really a fair chance but i did also feel rubbing in the exact same blister spot as my last triumphs despite ordering another half size bigger. this is really annoying because they were expensive and now they are dirty and i can't send them back.

Perfunctory

It took over a year for the swelling from my varicose vein removal to go away. Now I'm starting to get another one in the same leg. Awesome.

Uriah Heap

My runs are either great or awful. Usually they are enjoyable on the days I least expect them to be. Today was one of those days.

Anxiety attack almost started in the pharmacy line at Walgreens. Ironically while trying to pick up a prescription for Xanax. I hope I can stop crying and hyperventilating during physics tests because its more than slightly embarrassing.

I love studying GRE vocabulary. Mostly because I love using big words and alienating people.

Bombastic.

i still believe in capitalism.

I guess if i want cheap vans they are going to have to be pink and purple. i don't know if i want cheap vans that badly.

Liberals really confuse me. I don't think i could ever vote democrat for the following reasons:

1. I would like be able to decide where the money that I earn goes. Ideally, I would like it to go to me.
2. I do not believe in the equal redistribution of wealth.
3. Obama (and all the progress he's made)

just because i am fiscally conservative does not mean that i am pro-life/anti-gay/war-loving/planned parenthood hating/environment hating; but i really do love being categorized as all these things.

Our morally bankrupt government has been masquerading as Robin Hood and has successfully convinced an ignorant american population that we live in a society where "everybody wins" if you allocate correctly.

wrong.

Split ends

Its gets harder everyday to convince my body that diet coke is a legitimate meal.

Cryptic

5 is the new 4.

4,5,5,4,0,6,7.

Summer: Portland,  GRE, tough mudder, decorating the cabin, riding my bike to work, not taking any classes, running at the hottest point of the day, likely retaking the GRE, visiting U of I, day drinking.

Its weird to think that ill actually be applying in 5 months. Its weird that the direction my life is going to take will be determined in 10 months.

I wish I were more interesting and had ample material for my personal statement. Unfortunately, I'm not and I don't.

Throw some glitter.

I can't wait for this semester to be over. I cant wait to stop feeling guilty for watching a movie instead of studying. I'm actually looking forward to studying for the GRE. I'm not looking forward to getting in touch with Olaf professors for letters of rec and I need to do that sooooooooon.

Cyclic

Oscillating between moments of paralyzing anxiety and drunken abandon, I find myself at a crossroads.

Connected. Estranged.

Stop updating re: running

Ill blog all I want about running because im the only one who reads this anyway. but I swear im going to delete anyone I'm friends with on facebook who continuously posts status updates about every single fucking run. I don't care that you just ran 7 miles and it was so windy! Also you don't need to Carb load before an 8k. Its 5 miles, get over yourself.

i hate running shoes

my tab to date on running shoes to replace my saucony triumph 7's is over $400. hopefully ill be able to at least take 100 of that off since i just ordered (as i always knew i would) 2 pairs of triumph 8s. one in 9.5 wide and one 10 reg. these are both an attempt to get ride of the constant blister on the inside of my foot from friction. i will keep the kinvaras i guess and i have no choice but to keep the adrenaline gts 11s since ive already run 22 miles in them but i'm so fucking annoyed for the following reasons:

1. a stability shoe does not prevent my knees from knocking or my ankles from pronating
2. gts 11s make my feet burn after 2 miles even with the lightest socks i own  in 60 degree weather (wtf?)
3. triumph 7s create huge blisters on the inside of my foot but are other wise perfect
4. gts 11s make my left knee ache horribly after only 6 miles
5. gts 11s make my right foot numb
6. superfeet kill my arches when they are supposed to support and help them
7. triumphs are a neutral shoe, which is what everyone tells me i should NOT be in, yet they feel better than every stability shoe i've tried.
8. i'm not fat but i can't seem to let go of a really cushioned running shoe.
9. why are my feet so hot in these adrenalines??!??!?!??

i'm so glad i bought these shoes in the most obnoxious colors they make them in because now i'm too poor to buy new birkenstocks and i have to wear these as my every day shoes and they are bright purple or bright pink (kinvaras) and i will look like some REI camper every day of my life when i really just want to be wearing new (discrete) birkenstocks with sweatpants and never have to wear jeans again because i hate them.

the weather was awesome today. the wind was not. hopefully the cabin will be finished by memorial day weekend. i'm not taking any classes this summer so i can decorate it fabulously. i'm quickly losing momentum for this "calling" that i had 2.5 years ago. MBA school sounds fabulous now.

i wish i didn't have to go to dick pond to get the right shoes. i wish someone could just tell me that my triumphs are ok even though i look like a goon running in them and 12 year old girls make fun of me and mock my stride while i pass them on the sidewalk. talk about a shot to the ego.

What do yu say?

Nothing, except this sucks

The times, they are...

I guess its too far gone to go back now. I took the blame before and rightfully so. But maybe its a "two roads diverged" scenario now. And in my heart I kind of knew the last time you left that you wouldn't be coming back. All the best, none the less.

that was quick

minimalist running is not for me.... and the search continues. i have a feeling im just going to end up in a new pair of triumphs... oh well.

if i were better, would life be better?

I never learned to count my blessings,
I choose instead to dwell in my disasters.
I walk on down the hill,
through grass, grown tall and brown
and still its hard somehow to let go of my pain.
On past the busted back of that old and rusted Cadillac
that sinks into this field, collecting rain.
Will I always feel this way?
So empty, so estranged.

ray lamontagne

that's farce, that's the theatre, that's life.

It's looking like a limb torn off
Or altogether just taken apart
We're reeling through an endless fall
We are the ever-living ghost of what once was

But no one is ever gonna love you more than I do
No one's gonna love you more than I do

And anything to make you smile
It is my better side of you to admire
But they should never take so long
Just to be over then back to another one

But no one is ever gonna love you more than I do
No one's gonna love you more than I do

But someone,
They could have warned you
When things start splitting at the seams and now
The whole thing's tumbling down
Things start splitting at the seams and now
If things start splitting at the seams and now,
It's tumbling down
Hard.

Anything to make you smile
You are the ever-living ghost of what once was
I never want to hear you say
That you'd be better off
Or you liked it that way

But no one is ever gonna love you more than I do
No one's gonna love you more than I do

But someone
They should have warned you
When things start splitting at the seams and now
The whole thing's tumbling down
Things start splitting at the seams and now
If things start splitting at the seams and now,
It's tumbling down
Hard

The only consistency is change

Somedays its easy to convince yourself of who you are; most days its not.

Blah run blah

Yesterday PR 4 mile- 32:35

Sorry, your dog is an ass.

"She has separation anxiety. She's from a shelter."

The amount of people who claim their pets were abused just because they came from a shelter would lead you to believe there is an animal abuser around every corner. Maybe its true because everyone knows that there are sexual predators lurking in every window well you pass.

Maybe your dog wasn't abused at all. Maybe your dog is just a dick and that's why its in a shelter.

Updated black list:

Rotties

Huskies

Shiba inus

GSDs

Doxies

Beagles

St Bernards

Cockers

Chows

Akitas

my foray into "minimalist" running

After i ordered my saucony progrid paramount 3's a few days ago, i immediately had doubts. My biggest concern was that it is my first real stability shoe (other than 11 miles in asics gel kayano 14's last summer with foot numbing results). I've poured over websites over the last few days, mostly because of anxiety caused by the paramounts, and i'm starting to realize that maybe a stability shoe isn't necessary. I've always run in heavy, clunky, high platformed running shoes... and for the most part they have been saucony triumphs. i love this brand and its unlikely that i will ever really be able to convince myself to buy a pair of asics/mizunos/nikes/brooks again, even though they are usually prettier. i wanted a racing flat that could help cut seconds off my mile times and reduce the foot fatigue i have during longer runs. minimalist is so trendy right now, and since i'm so trendy, i thought i might as well explore it. i have pretty much decided to start with the saucony (shock) kinvara. its not minimalist like the 5 fingers (thank god) and true minimalists are disparaging it because it has non-minimalist tendencies. i appreciate this. i'm not ready to run 20 miles on sidewalks with nothing but a thin piece of rubber under my feet. ive decided to throw caution to the wind and buy a neutral "minimalist" shoe even though i've been diagnosed with overpronation.

the diagnosis in itself is a little suspicious. stereotypically, overpronators are flat footed and suppinators have high arches. but "experts" have determined that i am both an overpronator and highly arched. this makes buying the right running shoes all the more complicated and it usually involves a ton of cushioning and inserts. i'm hoping that the kinvara will pull back the veil on this phenomenon of a diagnosis and determine whether or not it actually makes a difference.

although i did get a sick deal on the paramounts, i will probably be returning them for kinvaras. its interesting because i always thought the most expensive running shoes were the best, but they really are just the heaviest with the most extra material. i know i'm not fat enough to need all that extra cushioning so i'm going to be a big girl and get rid of it... at least for now.

Add shiba inus to the black list

Being sick over spring break is something I'm fantastically good at. I refuse to skip another day of running. I'm actually kind of excited about the idea of potentially going to human medical school.

Thick blood

I love daylight savings because I can run everyday after work without it being black as pitch by 7.

I don't love that I've gotten so used to running in freezing weather that I feel the need to run in a tank top and shorts when its 53 degrees.

Whats with fat people and cavaliers?

I want a poptart! I ran 6.3 miles today. I am going to register for the tough mudder on Friday! I'm so excited!

I truly annoy myself

All I did tonight was complain and feel sorry for myself. I ate way too much and didn't study at all. Now I'm fat AND stupid.

Kicking off spring break with a bang!

Additionally, Carmen is a really long opera and the translated lines are kind of cheesey. But I'm worldly and therefore I opera.

completely lost

i'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that i'm probably not going to get into vet school and because of this, i'm really trying to explore my other options. it would be nice if my parents would pay for grad school but they won't, and therefore, i am extremely weary of even applying to law school due to such high unemployment rates of new grads. with the expectation of at least $175k in loans after graduation, the possibility alone of not finding a job is enough to make me really reconsider the entire field. the current idea i have actually uses all of the prereqs i've spent the last 2 years of my life getting, which is nice. and the idea is............. D.O. school. i've pretty much decided that MD is not really for me. the competition alone is enough to drive me to suicide. the only problem with either of these ideas is the mcat, and the fact that it contains physics AND orgo. I honestly think i would be ok with the chem... but absolutely not the physics. i would just have to hope that my bio and verbal scores somehow outweigh physics. and definitely take a kaplan class. speaking of which, i haven't even registered for the GRE, let alone GRE prep. probably because i'm just trying to avoid the inevitable failure associated with taking it and every decision i make thereafter.

i'm really sick of not being a competitive applicant. its by far the most frustrating and annoying and honestly debilitating part of my life right now. i can't make up for my first 2 years of college. there is truly nothing i can do about it. my grades are cast in stone. its hard to imagine that 2 years of subpar grades could determine the rest of your life, but alas, there it is. i'm constantly wondering where i should take this class, or where i should take that one. will it make a difference? is this a high enough level? should i even take a class this summer or just get an internship? when do i need to take animal nutrition? which online class should i take? will it make a difference? is this all for absolutely nothing? what am i supposed to do if i'm 25 and rejected? reapply? move on? where do you go from there? should i go on the mission trip to increase my volunteer experience? do i have enough volunteer experience? do i have enough large animal experience? how involved should this experience be? how will i get in touch with profs from st. olaf who are writing these reqs? will they write more reqs for different professional schools if i get rejected? how am i going to pay for this? if i go to DO at Midwestern will i really live at home until im 30? should i apply to MD too? at siu? at rosalind franklin? can i even apply all my vet clinic experience to human medicine? if not, how will i get enough human medicine experience before i apply?

i should have actually used my CNA, i should have done better at syracuse, i should have just STAYED at syracuse. I should have tried harder at olaf. i should NEVER have gone to olaf. i should have worked harder to get internships. i should have stayed in touch with professors. i should have just applied to law school a year ago. i should have taken organic over the school year. i should have taken physics at northern. i shouldn't have switched to English. I should have just stayed a bio major and then gotten my masters during this complete waste of time and life that i'm in right now.

i'm beyond hoping for the best. i'm not even convinced its worth my time to even apply. i really don't know where to go from here. i'm sick of people telling me i'll get in when they know i probably won't. i'm sick of the "anything is possible" mentality. NO IT FUCKING ISN'T.

its hard to be real with yourself. but its probably harder for the people i love to be real with me.

at every occasion, i'll be ready for the funeral

i'm sick of you calling other girls fat.


i also owned my physics quiz (!!!)

It all comes back to poland

Polish or Polish?

Pollock or pollock?

I love English. Mostly because of its complexities. of course, I haven't started studying for the GRE yet so that very well could change. I'm annoyed that the Royal Veterinary College requires the GRE Bio subject test but ill probably take it anyway just because I would like to go to a royal school.

During Scrabble tonight, I got 44 points off of "query." And it doesn't even seem like a real word the more I look at it.

I want to run the Marathon for the anticruelty society but I'm scared of not being able to raise the required $1,000. But I guess its really not so much. Especially if I can ask people at work. I'm sure that will go over realllllly well. I can't believe 45k people registered to run in barely over a month. I'm actually excited to start training again and I think I'm going to run 6 this Sunday just to get things rolling. Of course my knee started aching as soon as I typed that. I need to register for a half or 2 in the meantime. Ew.

I am the poster child of psychosomatic illness.

Complete and total dejection

There are some days when I feel like maybe I'm interesting enough to pull this all off. But most of the time I don't even have the energy for the pep talk let alone the idiocy to believe the shit I would tell myself.

Liberals gone wild!

If you don't know what "collective bargaining rights" means, please shut the fuck up about Wisconsin. I appreciate the fact that a conservative governor is actually making conservative decisions and not just placating democrats.

Gin will make you sin

I'm obsessed with 4runners. I need to own one.

familiarity breeds contempt.

"What's past is prologue." Once you've broken your relationship into a thousand pieces [after a thousand sleepless nights and a thousand unsuccessful compromises] not only is it hard to put back together, but its hard to remember what it looked like whole. or if it ever was. once the initial smoke screen of naivete evaporates, is there anything behind it? Its easy to believe that you have the same [dreams, needs, goals] before you've really defined them. I feel like there are now too many variables to solve for. how do you solve a problem when only one person believes it even exists?

are we writing our epilogue?

Yes, i keep diet cokes in the same fridge as rabies vaccinations.

If you never thought it was possibly to be moderately wounded and cut by an ice cream scoop, I'm here to tell you that you're wrong. I have a nasty infection on my finger as proof that you can, in fact, cut your finger with an ice cream scoop while using it to get frozen chunky peanut butter out of the jar.

I was also attacked by a 6 month old bichon puppy. I'm like a walking wonder of the world.

And yes, I would use amoxy from the clinic if I knew the right human dose. I'm not quite naive enough to think I would take the same amount as a 130lb dog.

Um ya ya

One time, junior year, we went to the legion. I drank at least one pitcher of beer, lost my north face (rip), threw up all over the backseat of someones car, and was subsequently showered in thorson. I really was interesting at one point in my life.

I keep hearing cars outside my house, thinking they are matt, all the while knowing better.

No need to feign disinterest.

A night with me ends at 11:30 pm and a night with your friends ends at 5:30 am.

Why bother?

will the circle be unbroken?

villainize: [vil-uhnayz] (verb): the act of turning some into a villian.

no. youre right. its not a real word. but it should be. if E.V.O.O. is a real word now, villainize certainly deserves to be. there are a thousand things i wish i had the ability to say or express regarding my recently realized disenchantment. i'm so sick of fighting. that is the understatement of the century. thats like saying Brutus wasn't a good friend. i'm tired of being portrayed as selfish. i'm tired of feeling like i don't know what i would do without him in my life and being unsure of whether that's a good thing or a bad thing. i'm sick of crying all night, feeling like an idiot, and looking like shit the next morning. i'm tired of always feeling like i'm doing something wrong. i'm sick of feeling like an annoyance, like a hindrance, like a frustration. i'm tired of rejecting and being rejected. i'm tired of yelling and being yelled at. i'm tired of rolling eyes when i go for a run, when i work out, when i get done eating. i'm tired of pretending that arguing is the same as communicating. i'm tired of the expectation of instant change. i'm tired of the apathy.

i'm scared of moving forward. i'm scared of staying here. i'm scared of holding on. i'm scared of letting go.

thinking does not necessitate brilliance

i know this. this. this. constant thinking doesn't mean constant processing or even constant understanding. constant thinking prohibits these things from happening successfully. i.think.all.the.time. not brilliant thoughts, not even mildly intelligent thoughts. just obsessive and uncontrollable thoughts. in seconds i can create a new world to live in that is full of unrealistic situations that make me happy because they all involve me not ever having to tell anyone what i want, and everyone just knowing. i can transpose these new worlds onto the real world instantaneously and be immediately disappointed with the real world and its total inability to read my mind even a little bit. i think through my physics homework... about something... was it physics? i don't know. i think about my family being insane and i think about my dad and my brother thinking they know everything.... literally EVERYTHING about the world... the predictable and boring world. its almost a chore for them to carry out daily life when they are surrounded by the mundane, and everyone is so beneath them, and its just oh.so.fucking.tedious.

for a long time i tried to deny that there was obvious favoritism in my family. and for a long time after that i tried to pretend that it didn't matter and that i was over it and old enough to not care anymore. at first, way first, way back first first first, i thought i was the favorite. it always seemed to fit. i had qualities that other parents i i knew would have valued. i had qualities that would have been favored by other parents. the funny thing was that i was so incredibly wrong about my family for so long that when i finally realized how wrong i had been, i still refused to admit it.. mostly out of shame for being so dedicated to believing my lie.

the truth is that i'm boring. i'm predictable. i'm vanilla. i'm moody and irritable. i follow rules. i study. i get good grades. i cry when i don't. i eat healthy. i don't really like to cook. i enjoy romantic comedies. i appreciate logic. i like reading books on the ny times best sellers list. i like having things. i like chocolate. i am the antithesis of interesting and i guess that probably is pretty hard to favor. yeah i do spend a lot of my time feeling sorry for myself but this is strangely enough, not one of those times. i'm really ok with who i am as a person. BUT truthfully, i will never be like Eric and my parents will never think i'm quite as witty, quite as innovative, quite as creative, or quite as brilliant as my brother. because i do give a fuck about an oxford comma.

i still see value in the world. i appreciate kindness.

running?

Today's run was awful so I guess its a good thing I'm working out again with my mom in an hour. I don't want to take my physics hw quiz, so I'm really going to put it off until 10pm. Sometime in the near future, I'm going to have to start running more than 4 miles at a time. Especially because I told myself I would run one more half marathon before I start training for THE marathon, just to make sure everything felt good and capable. I also really hate running in races where I know anyone else running. So I might go back to indianapolis or maybe madison for this half before I get ready for the extreme social anxiety of the Chicago marathon. when i have a really crappy 4 mile, i start to doubt all possibilities of finishing a marathon. i definitely need to train for a half starting next week. i'm excited and annoyed at the same time.

ALSO jillian michaels- 6 week 6 pack- level 2 is NO JOKE. its really hard even though i have no semblance of a 6 pack and therefore am continuing to call it 6 week no pack. Either way, i'm about to go get my no pack on.

best.cake.ever.

Chocolate Cake with Caramel-Milk Chocolate Frosting.

 where would i be without Bon Appetit? i plan to make all 26 of the "let them eat 26 cakes" piece.

on a lighter note

valentine's day is kind of a cute holiday and i do miss getting valentines even though they were usually written by everyone's parents. i wish my birthday were literally any other day. it would make this holiday a little more tolerable. either way, i'm excited to actually see my valentine tonight. and i'm actually having a non-german chocolate cake again. last year i had a chocolate cake with ganache frosting and a cherry chocolate mousse layer, but i was disappointed in it. in my heart i wanted to go back to german chocolate but i resisted and found this other chocolate cake that will hopefully be more promising than last year's. i wish i could spend valentines day with Matt instead of in various labs.

in other news, Portlandia is kind of getting more and more disappointing with every episode. sad.

its my birthday; ill cry if i want to.

Birthday morning organic chem lab write ups are not fun. i should be sleeping or going out to breakfast or something. my dad still hasn't said happy birthday yet and he's been up for half an hour. wah wah wah. monday is the lamest day of my week and therefore incredibly lame for a birthday or valentine's day. i don't get done with class until 9:35pm and that means no going out to dinner, which is why we went to lincoln park last night for pizza and the trip to icream alone was worth it. i really need to remember cinnamon ice cream with graham crackers and bananas. that is choice. sad that we won't be able to do these things when matt moves out but entirely worth it. i just hope it happens within the next month or so. although when you're waiting on FAFSA it might not happen until the summer, which is ridiculous. its lame that my dad tries to get me to eat pancakes every day of the week EXCEPT on my birthday, when i would be willing to have them. any break from this fucking lab report. plus i didn't write down how to calculate the theoretical yield for this experiment and now i have no idea. i know i said i would rather be in organic again than physics but now i just don't know anymore! NEITHER.

Ok...

maybe i'm too mean. dinner was really good. i've had too much alcohol this weekend.

that's hot

i'm wearing my retainer. i'm super bloated. at least i showered today.

working on being- what unbearable lightness?

according to weather.com it is currently 10 degrees outside but feels like -8. according to my phone its 7 degrees. and according to the thermometer in the kitchen its 11. there is no consistency in temperature or anything else. how am i supposed to prepare for my life with so much variability? how am i supposed to get through with my life with absolutely no certainty? IS EVERYTHING GOING TO BE OKAY? the lack of answers will give me ulcers. i've conditioned my body to believe every change in my "plan" is literally the end of the world. even if that change is as stupid as getting stuck behind a train for 25 minutes. have i always been the person who commits the felony of crossing the tracks before the gates go up because i just CAN'T wait any longer? i don't think so, but apparently i am now. i don't want to accept that the person i am now is who i am destined to be. i really don't hate surprises. its hard creating a life plan for yourself that requires every single aspect go your way in order to be successful. well its actually easy to create it, but its much harder to follow through. because of all the variability. because people aren't constant or consistent and even the most perfect life plan is uncertain if there are people in it. but i don't hate people. and i don't hate surprises. i just hate the fear of not knowing. 

the final realization that there is nothing unique about you, nothing unique about your dreams, and nothing unique about your talents is a challenge to accept. and i haven't accepted it yet.

"It was always half invented
but the other half was good."
jimmy eat world

lives of quiet desperation

why am i still awake? i can't sleep because i switch between scenarios of potentially returning the shoes i bought and regretting it and my psychiatrist being mad because i haven't been there in so long. is there a limit on how many psychiatrists can be prescribing you drugs at any given time? i want to just switch psychiatrists all together to avoid this disastrous situation i've created in my head.

i don't even know if these shoes fit or not.

daily internal monologue of anxiety

i have an almost-panic attack every night. i go through a list of things in my head that i may or may not have forgotten to do and then convince myself that i did, in fact, forget to do them. I'm worried that my psychiatrist won't see me anymore because i don't take my welbutrin everyday and have lapsed so much that i should have needed a refill months ago but haven't. i don't know how to explain myself in this situation. i don't know how to feel anything but guilt and panic about it. i no longer have test anxiety alone, but anxiety about everything.

did i lock the door of the clinic? did i put the "closed" sign out? did i call everyone back who needed to be called? did i give out the right meds? did i chart those meds? did i relay all the important voicemails? did i do my online homework? did i finish all other assignments? are my lab partners going to print out the graphs for the group or should i remake my own?  did i study enough for physics? am i studying enough for physics? if i studied more, would i understand what was going on? is physics going to prevent me from getting into vet school? did i actually feel good on my run today or was i just running at a slow pace? will i be able to run a marathon? will i set a time goal for myself even if i say i'm not going to? will i be able to prevent myself from setting a time goal? have i gained weight? can people see it in my face? should i start asking professors for letters of rec now? will they even remember me? am i applying to law school this fall too? will i do poorly on the GRE since i didn't do very well on the SAT? is this my calling? should i be doing something else? should i order the solutions manual for my physics book even though it only has answers to the odd problems and costs $60? does everyone in my class understand tension but me? is there more to tension than i think there is or less? does everyone in my class understand everything better than me? why is our homework grade based on a quiz grade? why is everyone always trying to give quizzes? has my anxiety over tests and quizzes gotten worse? should i have taken this at northern? will anyone take into consideration the fact that i didn't cheat to get whatever grade that i got, that i didn't just memorize old exams? does this mean anything to anyone anymore or just me? does it even mean anything to me or am i just jealous of everyone who got an A by cheating? is law school actually hard or just boring and tedious? why haven't i called uic about micro for the summer? why do i always put everything off until its too late? should i be getting my nursing prereqs too? should i be a nurse? why am i still scared of cats? what if i don't get into law school either? what if i have no safety? what if i don't get into vet school? what if i don't get in? what if i don't get in? what if i don't get in? is it just me or do none of the examples in the book apply to any of the questions at the end of the chapters? do i drink too much? do i just make up mental illnesses for myself because i'm bored or am i actually psychologically unwell? did i forget to go to the farm? is everything ready for PADS? am i doing a good job? am i busy enough? if i have time to run 3 mornings a week, should i actually be taking another class? how do you stop an anxiety attack from spinning out of control? is it normal for my chest to hurt? am i making that up? am i a hypochondriac? is there an end to this madness?

except my life, except my life, except my life.

Mine smell like honey

School sucks this semester. Nothing annoys me more than not understanding the material. Or matt saying "aboo boo be boo." Ugh I'm grinding my teeth just thinking about it.

Today's run went surprisingly well.

I registered for the Chicago Marathon a few days ago. Evidently, I'm an idiot.

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.

Tonight, in physics, I had the terrifying realization that I would rather be doing orgo.

A small part of me dies every time my professor says to the class "that's pretty intuitive, right?" And I think "no?!"

24 in 2 weeks. Valentine's day seems especially annoying this year.

massive ear infection

i may not care enough to fix my typos, but at least i recognize them.

additionally, fuck physics.

cheers!

A non-western medicine approach

Patient presents with an ear infection. Antibiotics not available. Prescribes gin.

Hope, possibly

Today I gave someone advice for her dog's diarrhea and it worked! She didn't even need to come in/talk to Fla. I feel competent... for now.

I really want a milkshake.

Am I crazy?

Uneventful

Yesterday was day one of not eating any gluten.

I also saw a Corsica with a Chicago bulls bumper sticker.

Living the dream

enough is enough

audrey and the magically disappearing handle of gin.

desperately seeking creativity

i'm always embarrassed to tell people i majored in English because i'm constantly worried that they are thinking,

"how?"

good question.

at least once a week i have a very real fear that i am bi-polar. i'm worried that, in the process of building a case for my own sanity on the fact that steve was/is actually bi-polar, i missed some huge detail about myself. i've yet to catch  myself in a manic phase though, so the initial fear usually subsides rather quickly. i just feel like i'm missing something that everyone else knows. maybe i'm just paranoid after reading the double bind.

GAD, BDD, ETC...

so fly like a prius

physics totally sucks. i thought i would be able to somehow make up for my organic grades by getting A's in physics I and II but now that doesn't seem so realistic. If i don't get an A in organic lab i will be really disappointed. On the bright side, i should have no problem locking one down in stats. Grades are really all i care about. At least i'm honest. I went 4 years thinking "grades don't matter" and "i'm better than a GPA." Unfortunately, i was very wrong. in fact, grades are really all that matter (when applying to grad school)... well grades and test scores, which are really just fancy big grades. speaking of which, i have to take the GRE this summer and my mom wants to drop another grand on a Kaplan class. Clearly this woman has no faith in me, and with good reason! Plus, this is probably the most important test i will take in my life thus far. I'm pretty sure she is just worried about another ACT incident (3 29's in a row and never a 30) or LSAT incident and having a barely sub-par score prevent me from getting into vet school. Although, in all honesty, there are many sub-par aspects to my resume/application, GRE aside. Everything i'm putting out there is on the low end. the only thing i'm on track with is my prereq GPA but with the way physics is looking, even that may flounder. All the more reason for a Kaplan class, apparently.

I keep saying "if I can get to the interview, maybe I have a chance" but now i'm not even sure about that AND how do i get to the interview?!!? and therein lies the rub. I don't even really want to apply to law school with vet school; its so much workkkkkkkkkkkkkk. Well that's enough of that. I apologize in advance for my likely inaccurate quoting of Frost but i don't feel like looking it up.

The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,
but I have promises to keep,
and miles to go before I sleep,
miles to go before i sleep.

the dreaded winter run

getting ready to go for a run in 24 degree weather is an painstakingly long process filled with layers. and even at my most layered, i still feel cold for most of the run. maybe the last 2 miles are ok. the first 2 are awful. also- i didn't do any of my orgo prelab, which i just realized is like reading a chapter of a text book rather than a lab manual. ugh.

I really think I'm hilarious

god football is fucking stupid.

JOSIE

Truly the only thing i want for my birthday.

My So-Fat Life

First of all, what a stupid title for this post right? I think I've decided to start a new blog, or maybe just commandeer this one by posting many variations on the theme of my own psychosis. I decided today, while talking to myself in the shower, that I'm more than slightly psychologically off-balanced. The cool thing about it is, I don't even really have to try to make my internal monologue sound crazy. I'm relatively vocally uninhibited as it is, but if I got all Faulkner about it and just started typing my own personal stream of consciousness it would blow yo fuckin mind. I can't believe i just wrote "fuckin" instead of "fucking," but it seemed appropriate and even looking at it now, I think it would be wrong to change it.
As I write this, I'm realizing it would be impossible for me to ever write a book. I'm already sick of the idea of writing about how fat I think I am. But that's not entirely true. I know i'm not literally fat. Rationally, I can look in a mirror and see that I'm not fat. BUT I'm not at my "goal" weight. And at this point, I've realized that my "goal" weight will always be about 7 lbs less than I currently am. This is totally lame because I know I will never be satisfied with how I look. I'm working on it though! I'm also so lazy; I just wish blogger was like Word and automatically capitalized all my i's for me. Since all i really I write about is myself, it would save a lot of shifting. I I I I I. how much more self-centered does it get?! Ugh now I think I'm fat AND selfish!!!! hahahahaha. SS! and now i think the whole idea of a fat-when-not-fat book is totally cliche and annoying. I'm annoyed with myself for even coming up with that idea. i guess i'll just keep going to therapy and hope i can get better and actually get accepted to vet school so i'm not forced to start looking into my own insanity for a potential book deal in order to build my resume.
So i guess its a good thing i didn't start a new blog since i just hatched and killed my new idea all in one post! HUZZAH! i don't think its possible to abuse the exclamation point. or maybe it is! Today at work someone asked me when the "big day" was. Wrong hand, buddy, but thanks! His dog was named Axel too but it was much uglier than my precious IXY. and he was just a total weirdo to boot. Now i feel bad for calling his dog ugly but i just don't like springer spaniels (along with countless other breeds)!
In other news, i think i waste about 3-4  hours of procrastination for every 1 hour of productivity. Fabulous! I can't wait to do my physics homework! i bought nice shampoo and stopped using Kirkland brand, i feel better already.

terrifying calculations

If my estimates are correct (which they aren't; they are too low), by the time I graduate from vet school I will owe, with interest, over $215,000 in loans. If I pay it off over 10 years, I will be paying about $1,800 a month. If you think this sounds like the cost of a house and the monthly mortgage payment of that house, you're right! So, by the time I'm 40 I will...

1. Have no cash
2. Have no savings
3. Have no house
4. Have a 2004 Honda Accord (which will be about 23 years old at this point)
5. Have no debt (hopefully)
6. Have a dog (because I can't afford kids or fit them in my little old car)

Things are really looking up! And I just dropped zoology like a bad habit. Thank God.

Bad idea

How am I so busy and still not done with prerequisites? How am I continuing to justify 7 years of undergrad? If I don't at least get an interview somewhere I'm going to be so annoyed. I definitely need coffee and sadly will not be able to get any before class. I wish Axel could let himself in and out of the house and shut the door behind him.

I want a westie!

When I move out, I'm definitely adopting a westie. Soooooo cute.

I guess I'm going to go run 4 miles in this slushy sloppy snow and then pick up some coffee and meet my boyfriend at school before class! What a novelty! Seriously. I'm so over wandering campus alone all day in the middle of nowhere dekalb.

Is winter over yet?

Dear spring semester,

You really better be easy.

Love,

Audrey

And school commences...

I drink far too much tea and chew far too much gum.

Hot tottie

Everyone's sick. My goal for this year, not to be confused with resolution, is to be more positive. About myself, my life, my future, everything. I think this important.

I don't want to turn 24. Or the rest for that matter.

Ode to oscar

All the little mystery mix dogs that are just happy and easy to work on make all the awful giant mean dogs worth it.

All ugly dogs of the world automatically attain cute status if they are nice.

Bad weather and a bad attitude

I hate exercising when I have my period.

So much bloat!

Places i MUST try

Hopleaf

Hotchocolate

Hot dougs

Frontera grill

Art of pizza

Girl and the goat

Joe's stone crab

One of many keys to a successful relationship

Don't passive aggressively take stabs at your partner through your Facebook status.

I dont believe in isms, i dont believe in me

Afterall, I'm not the walrus.

I'm never really sure where my life is going or why its going in the direction that it is. Eventually my parents will die and I will have to come back to the Midwest to be closer to the cabin. Or I will have to sell it. If I come back, it will not be to Illinois. After I leave here, I never intend to come back. I don't like anything about Chicago. I don't like its inaccessibility and I don't like the people. If there is any Midwestern city that I can imagine myself in, its Minneapolis. I don't ever plan to go to a high school reunion. I don't ever plan to care enough. I'm actually amazed that I have so many friends on Facebook from high school. In fact, i hate Facebook for allowing these people to keep tabs on my life when they are not even remotely a part of it.

I care less

I'm not my body or how I choose to destroy it.

You like me better when you're drunk.

You like me better when Im not here. The ideal me is so much better than the real thing.

Its nosebleed season!

Does shoveling poop count as cardio? I'm so sick of Facebook and completely ridiculous staus updates ex. "My dad is having a colonoscopy tomorrow. Pray for no polyps!" Though this is true, 1. It is totally inappropriate for a Facebook status and 2. Am I really asking people to pray for my dad's colon?

What has happened to the world? Is it Chicago? Is it the US? Is it everywhere? I don't know if this sharp decline of civilization is a recent event or if I'm just recently catching on. Is it the school system? Why is it so much harder to become a doctor than a teacher? Illiteracy has become an epidemic in America and it has left us with a grave prognosis. That's so fucking cliche and so fucking true.

Who am i

I saw a Guy running the other day while I was out running. We turned down the same street at the same time and I ran my last half mile balls out so I could beat him. I did beat him. After I stopped I didn't know if I should be embarrassed or proud because I'm sure he had no idea we were racing.

This is all strange because I always hated being active at recess and I figured out how stupid "tag" was at a very young age. I feel like I was always it because I was just too lazy to run around.

Gum and coffee diet

Hating yourself is a motha fuckin full time job.

I also can't wait for my room to be legitimately completed.

Ready for summer running

I guess I'm running the Chicago Marathon this year. I just need to start training again and lose this holiday weight.

Too much svu for one day

I need to get out of this hole of a house. Kumas and blackhawks game Wednesday. Msp Thursday thru sunday. I hope this all turns out to be fun.

Happy new year

Sometimes I act suspicious just so he will ask what I'm doing or who I'm talking to.