I'm lost without a compass. Mislead and misunderstood. did i turn out the way you thought i would? i will never see the world in the hues you do, because the hues you choose are not the hues i use, because the hues i use are only blues. it was only when i jumped into the deep end that i realized i had been drowning all along. self-image ends here. make up or no make up, i'll never be who you want me to be. as hard as that is to swallow, i think i'll make it out alive. changing identities as flowers wilt to brown. you write about the love that was never me. it looks like i'm giving up the fight before i take the final punch. in its crippling brevity i learned how to wake up. does that mean something? judge me please. who am i? if you know, then the answer must not be hard to find. whats the point? was there ever one? somewhere in the distance a little girl is screaming. i hear it faintly, fading to the background music that i have super imposed onto my life. i am static. judge me more. if i drown out everyone else, maybe i can do the same to myself. i'm sinking without a struggle, because its so much easier getting washed out to sea.

Its pretty early on the sunday before the end of the world and i'm sitting here thinking about my life, and the lives of other people. i think i will write a book before i die. a novel, fiction. teen crap most likely because i feel like that's all i know and that's all i could write about. a novel about succumbing to the majority and learning to live with yourself after youve conformed to the idealist society's seemingly perfect image of you. maybe it won't be about me. maybe it will be about someone i know. but either way i feel like that topic could get dark and messy. either way thats what i live for. the drama and the fights and the love and the tears, they make me smile and sometimes laugh like the cynical bitch that i am. not really. i wish i could sleep more, i have yet to understand why i can't. i get so tired. but i just cant sleep. i need to finish killer angels today. i was reading jeanaes live journal and it makes me really sad. maybe because i know that i still think about her on a regular basis and she doesn't of me. but i don't really think thats why its upsetting. i think i feel helpless when i read it, because i dont know her, maybe i never did. but the realization that i have no idea who she is makes me feel lost because i've changed so much and so has she. so has everyone i think, except a select few. who would have thought 3 years could do so much. ive never really looked at my life like a timeline but when i do, i can see exact moments when things ended and new things began. as tacky and overused as it may seem, i can look at my life as a garden, and most of the flowers are temporary, seasonal, staying only a few months and then leaving with the summer heat, but there are those flowers that started not in full bloom, but as bulbs that needed to be carefully buried. these flowers return every year without replanting, they are deeply rooted in the soil that is my life and come back without trial and hardwork, or maybe it is because they never left in the first place, the bulbs still resting in the dirt. of course there are weeds in the garden and without proper tending to, they will envelop the rest of the plantlife. but the beauty of the flowers, despite the length of their visit, manages to overpower the ugliness of the weeds. it is sad however, when flowers you thought were bulbs, turn out to be nothing more than a week taproot, or perhaps dicot. i suppose there are some parts of nature that we weren't meant to understand. the brevity of the flowers, the brevity of my friendships, or maybe its just the brevity of life.

[name ]: audrey
[ nicknames ]: audrey i guess bill is one
[ resides in ]: schaumburg.
[ good student ]: youre god damned right i am
[ eyes ]: blue
[ hair ]: brown and short
[ shoe size ]: 10

x.do you.x
[ smoke? ]: no
[ do drugs? ]: no.
[ have sex? ]: no
[ sleep with stuffed animals? ]: just jenny and daryl bill
[ have a dream that keeps coming back? ]: not really
[ play an instrument? ]: not really
[ believe there is life on other planets? ]: definitely
[ remember your first love? ]: i do
[ still love him/her? ]: i do
[ read the newspaper? ]: not often
[ consider love a mistake? ]: no, far from it.
[ like the taste of alcohol? ]: no i do not
[ believe in god? ]: yes i do
[ go to church? ]: yes i do
[ have any secrets? ]: i guess
[ have any pets? ]: ohhhhhhhhhhhhh axle
[ talk to strangers who instant message you? ]: no, except this guy.... jose and his sn was blinkfreak and he lived in sandiego. i dont reaslly know how i started talking to him but i kept that up for a while back in the day- tinkerbell5679 R.I.P.
[ wear hats? ]: yes
[ have any piercings? ]: no
[ have any tattoos? ]: no. i'm getting one that says sic transit gloria... glory fades. i have to wait till after college though, which means it wil never happen.
[ hate yourself? ]: indeed
[ have an obsession? ]: indeed
[ collect anything? ]: hmm shoes. i'm funny now huh?
[ have a best friend? ]: oh yes.
[ like your handwriting? ]: no i'm kind of pissed at it
[ have any bad habits? ]: define bad
[ care about looks? ]: i would be lying if i said i didn't. in fact any person would. its human nature to make initial judgements based on physical appearance, now i would be correct in saying i DO evaluate my judgements more closely and carefully after they are made and reconsider my first thought, but the deed has already been done.
[ boy/girlfriend's looks? ]: what does it all mean?
[ friends and other people? ]: my friends are beautiful
[ believe in witches? ]: why the hell not.
[ believe in satan? ]: not quite sure at the moment
[ believe in ghosts? ]: no. sorry court. ha

x.current.x
[ dress ]: jeans and a white tank top
[ mood ]: refreshed
[ music ]: the postal service
[ hair ]: wet.
[ annoyance ]: eric
[ smell ]: carmex.
[ thought ]: axle shut the fuck up
[ book ]: the killer angels
[ fingernail color ]: none
[ Refreshment ]: mehhhhhhhh nothign
[ worry ]: that im gaining weight. sick
[ Favorite Celebrity ]: john cusak, russell crowe ahhhhhhhh

x.last person.x
[ you touched ]: the dog counts so him
[ you talked to ]: my brother when i kicked him out of the shower
[ you hugged ]: my grandpa
[ you Instant messaged ]: that would have been on wednesday.... i dont know
[ you yelled at ]: lame ass eric
[ who broke your heart ]: harrison, and that was years ago
[ kissed ]: steve

x.who do you want to.x
[ kill ]: marco
[ slap ]: axle why are you barking?
[ tickle ]: courtney
[ talk to ]: courtney
[ have sex with ]: no one
[ kiss ]: courtney
[ be like ]: courtney

I'm home. so thats cool and now i did a quiz that i took from alyssas live journal. these are purely for my own enjoyment and i do them primarily out of sheer boredom.

I'm of foul temperament at the moment. My discontent seeded in the overwhelmingly boring weekend ahead of me that will encompass me reading several novels in indianapolis "the mecca of american culture," if you will. Throughout the elongated weekend, i will be spending 3 of the 4 nights reading and then going to bed at 10:30. This may seem a somewhat petty matter for such cold-hearted resentment, but my days off are few, and my friends, fewer. So i will be returning saturday morning with one day to go before ill-willed sunday shows his miserable face. Thanks, abraham lincoln, but no thanks. I will have to pass this holiday up in spirit. This should be a disgruntling stay, for lack of a better word. I need to pack but updating this is my seemingly non-vocal expression of my opinion which, to say the least, has gone over looked for far too long. haha. I also need to go buy Killer Angels. an exciting task no doubt. I miss carter, hows that mother fuckers?

poetry, so sweet and comforting, may lead to the end of us all.

Like violence
You have me
Forever and after
Like violence
You kill me
Forever and after

well the image isnt showing up right now on this layout so i dont know whats up. i dont really care though. at least not right now. ill fix it later. or something

Well the play was a success. it was really fun and i wish we could have performed more than twice but it was worth it none the less. thank you everyone who came and saw i hope you enjoyed it as much as we did. now that its over im somewhat sad but definitely ready to move onto a more serious role. so i hope we do something cool for the winter play.

well its almost time to go to school to get ready for the second and final performance of CINDERELLA. its been fun. but now its time to be over. i'm kind of sad and kind of glad. its the most bittersweet ending to experience. its so easy to make really good friends when youre around them for up to 9 hours a day. thanks for everything guys, really.

Writing is hard when you don't know how to focus. as long as i live i dont believe ill ever find anyone better focused than Carter. the word formation and sentence structure. i can't even write on this about it. i feel inferior. but when it boils down to literary genius, i'm no second place to carters undeniable victory. if anything ever moved me, it was his words. if anyone ever taught me, it was he. if anything ever burned me, it was my desire to obtain his abiities. i am not he. and he is not me. as frustrating and hard for me to grasp as that concept is, i must admit my life's somber defeat, but not in a somber tone at all. because i have been moved more by his words and feelings in than by the act of living itself, and for that i am grateful and have not been defeated, but enlightened. i could never forget.

Carter reminds me of Edgar Allen Poe

I have nothing cool to say today except im not done with my apus yet and im predicting to stay up until about 130. no one really made me smile today so ic ant write about it here. damn. i know youre all really sad about it huh? too bad people can't comment and tell me how cool/funny i am and how much they love me. so sad. ohhhh i'm crying about it right now. this is me being a bitch. AHhAHAHAHahhaah. well i'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown or anxiety attack but im still in the denial stage so its okay. the fall play is going to fucking rock because we fucking rule. this is hands down the best cast EVER. man right about now i'm really wishing you could comment and tell me you love me. i really need to hear it at least 18 times a day or i get depressed. :( i also wish i could write really nice comments on here about some things people said to me. hmm let me go through my conversations and try to find a good one eh?!


a l i c a t 108 (5:08:06 PM): are you ready to write that paper for me yet?

Atreyu05 42 (1:28:17 AM): I like blogs

H1 SP1KED (11:04:01 PM): was "i have to pee" an expression or a figure of speech?

Chaos6575 (5:33:31 PM): talk to you later, emo punk rocker

leggy410 (10:44:53 PM): i may be taken in by all the gays down there...

frack698 (10:40:39 PM): so light and so bright thats pretty nice

frack698 (12:41:44 PM): youve got some reading to do miss

frack698 (10:26:35 PM): .yeah luz is an amazing woman.


i actually think those comments are better than the thousands of messages i get everyday from people telling me they love me. on top of that, it would be pretty difficult to sift through those thousands of messages to try and find the perfect ones without hurting peoples feelings. i wouldnt want anyone to feel left out because i didnt include their display of affection towards me in my blog. this is still me being a bitch. hahahahahaha and this is me going back to my homework. that took way too long

its getting closer. and hell week is getting stressful. i know i'm tired of it. and just tired in general.

"this is your ghost that kneels before me
razers on her tongue, a body full of oxygen
it wont be the last time she'll ignore me
the thinning of my skin, without the strength to go
the winter's setting in, to cover you in snow"

something corporate

today it is really bad outside. i feel kind of like the weather. this is my new template for the winter. so enjoy. i lik eit. its not as depressing as i would like but i guess it will do. i wish this was what schaumburg looked like during the winter. i need to look for hairstyles for the play.

WHO: ME, LAUREN MANGIAFORTE, DANA PETERS, MIKE O'NEILL, TIM SHAW, LINDSAY BUKIET (SPELLING), AND ALLIE WALKER, ALONG WITH DANCERS.
WHAT: CINDERELLA
WHERE: THE CARL WEIMER AUDITORIUM
WHEN: NOVEMBER 21ST AND 22ND (NEXT FRIDAY AND SATURDAY)
TIME: 7:30
PRICE: $7.00 FOR ADULTS, $5.00 FOR STUDENTS AND CHILDREN

Don't ever watch halloween 3.

okay forget that thing about ladylazarus. courtney just informed me that its a gay sn and it shouldnt be mine. so thats gone. but now i have - gloryfades72- so thats what i have now put that on your buddylist instead. so. thats that.

blashhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhui guyfuvktf

My sn is blocked on aim. that being skippystd. so im using a new sn - LadyLazarus72- until further notice. i dont have a buddylist to upload and i cant remember anyone so just im me on that. yeah?

i just found a friend in one of your lies

---Listen, here's the clever one who speaks before his thoughts are done.---

skippysTd: so youre not interested?
GoHangGoneHung: welll......i really wanna see matrix
GoHangGoneHung: or kill bill
skippysTd: well how about elf?
GoHangGoneHung: no. i actually hate elf.
skippysTd: why?
GoHangGoneHung: im not quite sure
skippysTd: well maybe you should give it a chance
GoHangGoneHung: i know, but my priority is matrix
GoHangGoneHung: or kill bill
skippysTd: well what about else?
skippysTd: elf* haha
GoHangGoneHung: i dont think i could succumb
skippysTd: you could give it a shot?
GoHangGoneHung: audrey, you dont understand. if i went to the movies, i would have to see matrix or kill bill.
skippysTd: i think i could prevent that from happening
GoHangGoneHung: im not so sure
GoHangGoneHung: ive been lifting

Happy Birthday Harrison.

Today was gonna be the day
That they're gonna throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you gotta do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do
About you now

Backbeat the word is on the street
That the fire in your heart went out
I'm sure you've heard it all before
But you never really had a doubt
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do
about you now

And all the roads we have to walk are winding
And all the lights that light the way are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to you
But I don't know how
I don't know how

Because maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
And after all
You're my wonderwall

Today was gonna be the day
But they'll never throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you're not to do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do
About you now

But all the roads that lead you there were winding
And all the lights that light the way are blinding
There are many things that I would like to say to you
But I don't know howI don't know how

I said maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
And after all
You're my wonderwall

I said maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
And after all
You're my wonderwall

I said maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me

I hope today works out. I hope you're right, I hope you've changed.

I want a lover I don't have to love,
I want a boy who's so drunk he doesn't talk.
Where's the kid with the chemicals?
I got a hunger and I can't seem to get full.
I need some meaning I can memorize.
The kind I have always seems to slip my mind.

I talk in the mirror
To the stranger that appears
Our conversations are circles
Always one sided
Nothing is clear
Except we keep coming back
To this meaning that I lack
He says the choices were given
Now you must live them
Or just not live
But do you want that?

"I have to remind myself that these emotional experiences are reasonable and discrete unto themselves. They don't have to precipitate a depressive episode. It takes me a long time to realize that when i get upset about something it doesnt mean that the tears will never stop. it is so hard to learn to put sadness in perspective, so hard to understand that it is a feeling that comes in degrees, it can be a candle burning gently and harmlessly in your home, or it can be a full-fledged forest fire that destroys almost everything and is controlled by almost nothing. it can allso be so much in-between."

prozac nation

So i'm talking to chris about life in general and the unmentionable topics of which i am constantly searching for guidance and direction. In an ideal world i wouldn't need this guidance, and if i did i would be able to guide myself or rely on fate to take me to my ultimate and only true destiny. Since this isn't anywhere near an ideal world i turn to chris on a regular basis to keep me grounded and to make sure my feelings don't get away from me. and this brings us to the always tumultuous topic of, dare i say it, "love" and its uncertainties and entanglements.

but without these uncertainties life and love would be dull right? maybe. but maybe not. does more structure or familiarity, more consistancy, does that necessarily mean dull? i've never been much for structure, but i think chaos and love go hand-in-hand and sometimes that can be too much.

is asking for things to turnout right this time asking for too much? am i ever going to know who i am really supposed to end up with. i would like to think that i am part of some master plan, something greater than myself. but carter claims thats only because i am in denial of my insignificance in the world and i refuse to take responsibility for my own actions as a person. the reality of the situation is neither carter nor myself will ever REALLY know who is right. and no one will ever be able to prove or prove wrong the idea of fate and destiny.

could the person you fall in love with when youre 13 end up being the person you spend the rest of your life with? does serendipity exist or is it just something people tell themselves to try and feel less alone. i feel like i have a few kinks in my heart that won't ever be completely worked out. just like there are places in my heart that will never be refilled or replaced.

but there are so many things that have to be taken into consideration and i have trouble doing that. but if theres only one thing i can get from any of this its

you cant bury the past with the present.

ive taken that to mean you cant move on until youve gotten rid of the past and accepted it and really wanted to move on. a relative quote from a book recently read, yes billy budd is this

time is a mason

this also to me, means that time is your foundation and you need to have a strong and clean foundation before you can start building anything up from it. so maybe my initial foundation has yet to be swept clean and this is preventing me from making any major leaps and bounds in terms of building the rest of whatever it is that im building. i don't know if i will ever really be sure of anything.

I am heaven sent. don't you dare forget. i am all you ever wanted.


i am the cause to all your problems.

well i'm listening to boston again. how does everyone feel about that? oh yeah YOU CANT COMMENT SO IT DOESNT MATTER! well comment on my dead journal and tell me how you feel about me listening to boston. Its pathetic because right now im laughing because i think im so clever.

It was in the march of the winter I turned 17
that I bought those pills
I thought I would need
and I wrote a letter to my family
said it's not your fault
and you've been good to me
just lately I've been feeling
like I don't belong
like the ground is not mine to walk upon
and I've heard that music
echo through the house
where my grandmother drank by herself
and I sat watching a flower
as it was withering
I was embarrased by it's honesty

so I'd prefer to be remembered as a smiling face. not this fucking wreck. that's taken it's place

so please forgive what I have done
no you can't stay mad at the setting sun
cause we all get tired I mean eventually
there's nothing left to do but sleep

I am finally seeing why I was the one worth leaving

"now i can be clasped comfrotably, nestled, in your harmonious arms"

carter did you see that fucking shit man? god. hdgopi dfho;idgh fuck. lets vent. call me.