i had this weird dream about harrison. i can't even explain it.

today me and court worked up with chirag and california man. there are very few males who work at marshalls so i think we find it entertaining to critisize those who do. but whatever so chirags such a loser haha. he just leaves his register and walks into the mens underwear department. haha courtneys like "chirag thats not sexy" hjajaj lol. ew chirag sick youre sick. and california to me he hates me. ha i dont care about that holister man anyway. hes not as funny to make of as chirag. because man chirag youre not cool with that lame ass hair cut. what a longggggg working day.

tomorrow im hitting up summerfest with allyson and patrick. i hope its cool. oh it will be. i just hope i dont feel weird. i dont htink i will because i hang out with keiko and steve allt he time. but to me theyhate it. whatever. ive got a camera and im ready for pics galore.

taste of chicago was so fun on friday. boo yah.

ill whisper "i love you" into your ears long after youve fallen asleep. and when the feeling subsides you;ll know because you;ll feel alone in your dreams

i'm up in arms trying not to fight but you keep pressing on. when will you learn? when will you EVER learn? theres more to life than confrontation and disagreement. i cant keep it up.

nothing that you do is new to anything or anyone but you.

She begged me "dont hate me". she spun me a story Where winning looks like loosing and i'm winning every time. so thread spools sweetie, get ready Until my silk is sold.

fall out boy

I'm sinking like a stone in the sea. I'm burning like a bridge for your body.

I'm going downtown today with courtney tracy keiko and steve. steves such a woman he just comes with us everywhere and hes usually the only guy. Taste of Chicago here i come

last night my mom told me i looked like i was gaining weight. ha. well. i was going to go for a run but i decided not to. im getting contacts and i wanted to get wild eyes that blackedo ut my whole eye or something but i decided i like the blue that they already are so. thats that.

"I know blue eyes get boring but I'll wear dark glasses all the time and hey if you want me to, I'll take a knife to my own bright eyes."

haha youre reading this right now. i just looked in the window/

"And if it makes you less sad, we'll start talking again.
And you can tell me how vile I already know that I am.
I'll grow old and start acting my age.
I'll be a brand new day in a life that you hate."

brand new

ive decided that almost every post i have that includes lyrics is directed towards carter. for the most part at least. all the lyrics are for sure. i cant express myself through my own words so i do it through other peoples and its almost like when they wrote the song they were thinking "we should focus our song on something audrey can relate to on a personal level: unrequitted love."

im thinking about everything. ive come to a few conclusions and iw ant to get them off my chest before i head in for the night.

i decided that my happiness is not important right now. whats more important is yours. ive never seen someone make you so happy. and ive never seen you make someone so happy. i dont want to feel the way i do. i dont want to be upset about it. i want to be happy for you.

i'm trying so hard to be happy for you.

there are some things that just take so much time. and when youre impatient it feels like the hours turn to days. i'm waiting to see the finishline of a race that has no determined ending point. its like living your life by every second hoping that the next second it will all be over. and the pain will be gone. and the thunderstorm that encompased your whole sky moments ago has retreated and revealed a beautiful rainbow. i feel like the gray clouds will always be in the back of my mind and even though i may see rainbows and sunsets, they are only interpreted as weather patterns that are sure to soon break into tumultous natural disasters. i feel like nothing in the world besides myself could make the storms in my head subside. i suppose that is the reality of it. and the initial choice to follow through with something is now mine. taking the step forward is easy, but the direction in which you step is much more difficult. acting my age in the situation i'm in right now doesnt require much maturity. but i'm trying sooo hard.

i understand that my life of consistently "cloudy with a chance of showers" weather is my fault. and if i ever want to get to partly sunny i will have to fix my head. i just dont know how to do that.

i am such a loser sitting in my room in my swim suit

well it seems like everyone slept in today... or everyone being carter me and my mom. so i woke up at 705 and put on a bra and brushed my teeth and head out the door to pick up the two of them. court was ready and we got to carters by like 714. she rang the doorbell like 4 times and no one came.... so i was like alright. i got out of the car and rang the doorbell myself. no answer... my initial thought was "carter got scared and thought i wasnt coming and made his mom drive him" but then i saw one of his shoes in the hall and reconsidered that preconcieved notion... so i thought... "obviously the parents arent home since i rang the doorbell so many times and no one came. so. for the first time EVER i let myself into the house. and i yelled
"CARTER!!!!"
well carter didnt come, but that god damned cat did so i slammed the door before it ran out because tracking that cat down would make us later than we already were. i guessed carter wasnt home and left his house at 725

me and courtney ran from the car to the room. at the break carter appeared! and said he was asleep the whole time. fuck. i felt bad. BUT its alright. because its not my fault and im not going to apologize anymore haha. because i do that. too much. well. okay.

we talked the whole break it was cool because i vented about my brother being lame. and he listened haha. then we talked about his new new shoes. vans of course. a lovely choice.

if i wore shoes, and i had little kid vans, i would wear them all the time

or is it if i had shoes and wore little kid vans i would wear them all the time?

ha
i dont know

and 2 years ago tomorrow was the first day of the "summer of harrison" lol. the 27th was the first kiss. i didnt remember it but i wrote it on a calender and i was just looking at it. then i went to hawaii and then i came home and spent almost every day with him for the rest of the summer. ha haa. christ that was fun.

me and chris broke up 3 years ago to the day! boooooooo yah.

ive posted this before.. but i like it...

Its like at first you dont realize it. and you dont really understand it. you just know that its over and for some reason it hurts. but why does it hurt? its a question ive been asking myself for years. i have reached no conclusions execpt the insecurities that lie within myself are greater than the self-confidence i am capable of obtaining. i have been looking for fields of roses in deserts of dandylions and i shouldnt even be concerned with the roses because im only 16 and i know i can tell myself i take myself to seriously but i dont know if ill ever understand until its too late. sometimes you never expect the people you know to really change you. but gradually if you look back you realize you did change. i wonder how i would be if i didnt make some of the choices id made and didnt meet the people i did. i guess its all part of some big plan. and despite my openmindedness about religion and the fact that i accept every different opinion. i still believe in a higher power. i just do. and i know how stupid some people think that is. and for a while i tried to convince myself out of faith. but i wouldnt even be kidding myself because i knwo what i believe and i don't want to change that. so. to each his own. and i guess i needed to just get it off my chest.

Well this drama is a bore and I don't wanna play no more

i was just reminded of this quote that was a big deal back in 7th and 8th grade for all the suicidal girls who wanted to do away with themselves because their boyfriends didnt like them anymore...

"suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem"

i heard it all the time and the only thing i could think when people said it was... what if your problem isnt temporary? what if its just as permanent as the only soluytion that seems to make any sense, and thats why its being contemplated to begin with. because its the last possible resort.

after most of the girls heard this quote they were rehabilitated and brought to a new as if they had just been baptized and would never again stray from the path of the Lord. when i heard this quote and wanted them all to die.

The gardens have all been overgrown.
I pushed my hand through the thorns to crush the final rose.
A deadly secret only I suffer to know.
I can't eradicate what awaits when I awake... break.
I die in my day dreams.

I am destroyed by the inside. I disassociate. I hope to destroy the ouside. It will alleviate and elevate me. Like water flowing into lungs, I'm flowing through these days. As morphine tears through deadened veins I'm numbing in these days.

im pretty sure the only family gathering that i have introduced my friends to was my confirmation. and that was ali. and i felt horrible as it was because she spent way too much time with the judds. they are hard to handle. i mean "practicality" is a word rarely heard over by there in wisconsin. so i have to post the funny thing that i thought of when i was reading stuff just now. so it was at church the day of my confirmation and ali was there and my grandma started talking to her and she was like "oh hi dear whats your name?" and ali naturally said, "ali" and she said "ohhh isn't that funny? you're ALI, i'm ELLIE, and our dog is OLLIE!!!!" oh grandma, you always know how to take an awkward situation and make it.... awkwarder... i know im not the only one who thinks my grandparents are insane. keiko has met them too. i was luckily able to pay her into being my friend again... one of these days someone won't make it out alive.

like me for instance... or my grandpa. most likely me because he's the psycho with the kitchen cuttlery. lets see.... easter was that the last big holiday? yes i believe so. on easter, bless that day, we went to janesville for the semi-annual judd family gathering from hell itself. this year was especially amusing because im tired of all my cousins, except the ones who are scared of me... but they are scared of me and so i cant even talk to them. so i read and acted morbid. put on a big act. so i go to my mom before the absurdly early easter dinner is served and say "hey so can i sit at the adult table this year?" (yes there is an adult table and a childrens table, mind you the adult table is not constitued as the mature table more so than the table in lack there of) so my mom asks her dad and guess what grandpa said. he said "no, she can sit with the kids after the antics she tried to pull at thanksgiving"

my antics let me tell you, were punishable by death in most states. my brother and i blew out the candles on the table repeatedly and then hung spoons on our noses. it was one of those situations that isnt really funny but while youre getting reprimanded you can just not stop laughing. so grandpas holding the good ol' thanksgiving day grudge. not unusual. about 3 years earlier he had checked, yes chekced, my 4 year old cousin into the wall because he was cutting the turkey and she made the horrible mistake of going within a 10 foot radius of him.

so back to easter. i sat at the kids table, like the good girl i am. but let me tell you i did it kicking and screaming all the way. it only makes sense that im the oldest cousin on that side and the next oldest is eric. so its really easy to be a huge bitch by being SUPER immature. whats the easiest way in this situation? well yelling and throwing food NATURALLY. well then grandpa shuts the door between the two rooms! ha. well piss off grandpa

then to show his very adult like behavior, he refused to say goodbye to me when we left. oh BILL would ya lighten up!? or in the words of my occasionally drunk grandma "BILL yOUre and ASSHOLE" (make sure to slur the sss in asss)

BUT no situation compares to dominiques entire WEEK spent with the judds at the cabin. man she saw everything and if my mom wasnt making me get off the computer i would write all about it. in fact i think i'll do that. maybe tomorrow we can go in the lab for consumer ed again and i can sneak onto blogger.com and blog it up because im such a bad ass

I saw dave and jeanae at Great America. it was a great day there. the weather ruled but i couldnt have been more pissed at the water ride. raging bull is fantastic.

"What's best for everyone is bound to hurt somebody.
What's best for everyone is killing me.
Let me down. Set me down. Let me down easy.
Blood crushed from a clock.
I'm in love but we just talk and your teeth make me weak
and you're keeping them from me. "

jets to brazil

they are playing a show on tuesday at the metro. anyone interested?

"Don't talk to me as I walk alone, I'd
Much rather be riding prone, than
Be just another one you are lame to"

It's just the lines, they get so blurry
Between what is once, and now required
And I don't know on which side his heart falls
But I know where mine is buried

its 6 in the morning, i got home from RFL about 15 minutes ago. it was pretty cool. way better than last year in my humble opinion even though i walked and participated less. it was kind of just like a big group sleep over in the freezing cold. luckily i had a sleeping bag to keep me warm, and it did. sarah had a terry cloth bath robe lol. wow its almost as warm as a winter parka.

i decided i am done, completely done. and fromthis point on there is nothing you could say that could possibly be turned around to be my fault because i want nothing to do with it. so its time to just let it go.

dedicated to you- fucking leave me alone.

"A dispassionate white sun shone at the summit of the sky. I wanted to hone myself on it till i grew saintrly and thin and as essential as the blade of a knife."

"i fixed my eyes on the largest cloud,as if, when it passed out of sight, i might have the good luck to pass with it."

the bell jar

i'm shaking so badly and it wont stop

i'm dying right now i feel about ready to throw up. i need to go home. i canteven look around without feeling naucious.

something about seeing you makes me sick.

this afternoon i shared a fabulous drive in the lovely day with carter and courtney and then came home and ate a SO nice salad with a sandwhich.

summer school is a drag... a drag in D flat

my computer broke so im on eric's

allyson called me but i dont know what happened because after i told her to work at Discovery i couldnt understand a word she was saying.

so today i woke up and sarah was gone and keikos head was against mine. after she got up at like 9:30 we ate cereal and realized sarah had gone up to my room in the middle of the night. she was scared of this mouse that courtney "saw" scamper across the hall. no one saw it except court and that was like three days ago so sarah's just a pussy.

after that i spent a while picking out what to wear and took a shower. i didnt put anything in my hair so it looked... manly...

we then proceeded to the mall because i needed pants. i didnt get anythign because i never have any money. we saw brandon and his older mature brother in pacsun and sarah and keiko wanted to stalk him because they thought he was hot. he was alright. about 3 inches too short for my liking. but. its fine.

then we went home and sarah dropped me off and the cleaning woman was here. so i came upstairs and then went and picked up court and tray. then came home. lol and now we are here. waiting....

i read other peoples live journals because i dont have a life and i have to say my fav. picture is ginas and i think i like reading hers the best. am i lame because she probably doesnt even remember who i am? i hate when you remember so many people but you just know they dont remember you. like mario lopez. lol that man for sure does not remember my name.

oh man phil you are such a loser. last night steve was yelling at mike on my sn and phil was asking for a password or code to make sure it was REALLY steve and not just someone pretending to be steve because we all know that pretending to be steve is all the rage these days.

So I update this almost every single day for you. I begin to hate you for your face and not just the things you do. Go tell him how my wrist is sore from pulling at your insides all night. nothing that you do is new to anything or anyone but you.

i thought i saw something in you. how wrong was i.

you'll never make it out alive, i can make sure of that. damn right im still pissed. i'll never fucking let it go, its not my style. i can be evil with the mention of your name, as if it wasnt obvious before. ill tolerate your self-righteous shit and smile at you like you matter. its only a matter of time before time catches up to you. and i wasn't lying when i said id love to scratch your eyes out with a nail file. and if given the chance i might just slit your throat and watch you bleed. might but most likely not. because im not the type to do that. its not really my style. and right now i cant even think straight because of the way you make me feel. and i hate the fact that the only emotion i can ever conceive is the feeling of desire to jump off the roof and hope the cement breaks my fall and my neck.

i'm thinking about you every day for the rest of my life.

You never knew
well i never told you...
Everything I know about breaking hearts
I learned from you, it's true
I've never done it with the style and grace you have
But I've made long term plans
based on these mistakes

"Ever think we should try to re-establish that connection that we made during last summer's days? Maybe I should be subtle or maybe I should be more pure but I think we should talk about what we were going through and I wonder what it would be like if we had kept up that aversion and maybe kept listing all the people that we hated, but isn't it ironic how you still have ideals and I still have nothing?"

saves the day

remember when you and me used to spend the whole god damned day in bed? I'm coming over to your house the next time i get a chance and im buying a dozen flowers on the way and i won't have to worry about buzzing because the door is always open and i can walk up those 3 flights of stairs and all the way to the back of the hall and appt 311 and you will open the door and we'll hug and it will be PERFECT and nothing could ruin that moment. because its a feeling that could never be replaced. and we will talk for hours because we can, and we will watch movies all night and then watch the sunrise and maybe take a walk and talk some more because nothing heals me like you do. im just thinking about you and wishing you could know how much time i actually do spend thinking about you. im picturing your room and nothings ever looked more familiar

remember when i said "i love you"? well forget it i take it back. i was just a stupid kid back then. i take back every word that i said

today i figured out that i was in a dance show with...

keiko rose
krista bernardo
maggie rees
nicole rybarczyk
and others...

one more day. i dont think i can make it. honestly.

i watched life as a house twice today. it was good both times. i also bought another pair of shoes because i dont have enough. lol. it was a toss up between these samoas and these pumas. i went with the pumas because i only have one other pair of those and like 5 adidas. oh man im going to stop tlaking becuase i just sound spoiled.,

i may be dumb, but im not a dweeb. im just a sucker with no self esteem.

I just watched life as a house. it makes me cry every time. the music is what gets you. every movie makes me cry. i should take a shower.

tonight was a nice night.

i have 2 papers to write tonight

I wish I could waste my time without wasting all your time

today was probably the worst sunday ever.

"You were right when you said all that glitters isn't gold
You were right when you said all we are is dust in the wind
You were right when you said we're all just bricks in the wall
And when you said manic depression's a frustrated mess"

-built to spill

tonight wasnt very cool. it kind of sucked.

im at charlies.

im so tired right now. tomorrow is the garage sale day. we are going in the morning.

I am the girl you know can't look you in the eye
I am the girl you know so sick i cannot try
I am the one you want can't look you in the eye
I am the girl you know i lie and lie and lie

alexandra chmiel. so i was looking through my journal from last year a while ago and i flipped unintentionally to this page that had an izone sticky film picture of ali on it. now that picture wasnt very pretty lol. it was actually scary. but it was funny. and i laughed at it because i remember taking it. but i laughed harder when i remembered this one time ali was walked around in my moms "piper" shoes. and man i started laughing. i became friends with alix in 8th grade because she sat next to me in science and i copied all her homework. ahh the begining of a beautiful friendship. for quite a while, she was my best friend. we rarely fought. in fact, i dont think we ever fought until we decided not to be friends anymore. i was supposed to play rec softball with her this summer. i even learned how to play and bought a bat and everything last summer, but this year it didnt happen. it was kind of sad when i realized it. i havent been friends with ali for about 6 months now. we are talking now, but its far from okay. i remember hot days of going to the disgusting pond and trying to fish and actually catching fish and then torturing them. or stalking gio at meineke. haha. i know its my fault we arent friends anymore. i pushed away. i always do. i guess ive learned that the people who really understand you the best are the ones who have watched you grow up. there are other people i could name who could match my face to my emotion in one guess. but its hard to think about.

ive already posted too much about dominique. im scared to even talk to her. i just hope she reads this and knows i think about her daily.

i feel like i can be friends with jeanae but i doubt we will ever be able to re-establish the friendship we once had. i mean we are two completely different people now. we changed eachother drastically. its just hard to imagine ever being as close to her as her friends are now and vice versa. and thats not a bad thing. its just the way life is.

if you would have asked me 3 years ago what i thought about high school boundaries i would have told you they didn't matter because friendship can make it through anything if you want it to. i suppose my opinion on the siuation isnt as optimistic as it once was, but i feel like thats what growing up is.

there are more who i know still care. chris and dave mainly. i wish things were easier. i wish there wasnt so much silence. the fact that there is to begin with is probably my fault.
of course i miss you.

that will never change.

the other two people who at one time were the most important in my life deserve to be mentioned. they won't ever look at this because they just aren't the type. but Justin and Gio were definitely up there at one point. i know neither of them like me anymore, especially gio. and its okay. i just wanted to get it off my chest. i hope gio has a great summer and a wonderful time at marquette in the fall. and justin... i hope he figures out what he wants out of life. and i hope he'll still be my friend next year despite the fact that i'll still be in high school.
this sudden realization just hit hard.

I'm goingto miss you. more than you know.

today was nice. except i have some tests tomorrow that i need to study for. soon.

Today i laughed a lot. after school i kind of hung aroudn with myself and did nothing until steve came over and i made mr schultz a cake for his 41st birthday. haha. so we took it over to the house and carter was the only one home so me and steve hung out with him and then the three of us had "a moment" it was so cool. so then the parents and allyson came home and my cake kicked the other cakes ass. haha. we all sat around in the kitchen after that. me and carter talked about some music and tried to figure out which cds he should burn me. then allyson and keiko went to try on allysons prom dress and i went up and saw it. she looks beautiful in it. patrick is a lucky man. in carters room i found a kazoo and naturally that was really cool.

i think if there was any family i could seriously have it would be them. ive never felt so like.... i dont know... cared about? its just so comforting to have it and im so glad i do. and i just feel so at home. ive given carter and allyson both a pair of my pants. im practically part of the family.

I go home to the coast
It starts to rain
I paddle out on the water
Alone
Taste the salt
And taste the pain
I'm not thinking of you again
Summer dies and swells rise
The sun goes down in my eyes
See this golden wave
Darkly coming
To take me
away

thank you for changing my life.

And I speak to you like the chorus to the verse
Chop another line like a coda with a curse
And I come on like a freak show takes the stage
We give them the games we play

A thousand Julys, I hope you'll find. I'd give you the words but no words come to mind, and you turned me so cold so i tell you lies. but when you let me in its like a thousand Julys.

i can't sleep. i cant stop needing you to hold on to me. i tried too hard to analyze and interpret everything you said. i thought i knew what i wanted but i didnt. and right now i just need you to stay in my life. i dont care what we were/are/will be i just need you in my life. to be that person who i watch movies with all day and who i can talk to for hours and who i can just sit in silence with for hours. just because its not awkward. and to be that person whose family cares about me more than my own seems to. i hope you read this tomorrow at 615 in the morning, could you call me when you do? ill stay up all night. i desperately need to tell you that i want to be friends. its ideal.

please dont hate me for the things i say. please dont hate me for the things i do. they are not me.

i'm tired of trying, but more tired of losing. but its the only thing i seem to be able to do.

this is the part of me that needs medication
this is the part of me that believes in heaven
this is the part of me that thinks outer space is all dead
this is the part of me that wishes it was with it
this is the part of me that's trying to be funny
this is the part of me that loves my parents
this is the part of me that thinks that ants are cavemen
this is the part of me that thinks all humans are ants
this is the part of me that learns from sitcoms
this is the part of me that means nothing

I'm listening to modest mouse. i'm not going to school tomorrow. i can't. too much shit. i need to write this essay and finish my project. I'm not sure who I am but I know who I've been.

if i had known you would react that way, it would have been a different story. but now that you have reacted whats next? i guess this is one of those wait-and-see things. i wish i knew what you were really thinking about it. im not really sure how i feel. this is definitely a night to be remembered

tomorrow i have to

1. type big essay
2. complete big project
4. buy cds and adhesive
5. buy skirt for expo
6. convince myself that my family is not poor