so sometimes i go to the wrong people with my problems and i dont really think about it affecting anyone else but me. i suppose thats a part of the selfishness that i shoudl work hard to get rid of. i'm sorry it bothered you so much and if i had known before i wouldn't have considered it. im sure i could have finally decided something on my own but at the time i felt helpless. as for the rest of it. i understand the affectionate thing and i dont really care and i don't think we have different ideas on relationships i think we have 2 different personalities and the way we behave and act in relationships is in direct correlation with the way we behave an act outside of relationships. its not anything that bothers me and i dont care about. there are thousands of other ways of spending time together and having fun that don't revolve around the "romantic" stuff and i intend on figuring out all of them with you. friendship is the key element in any relationship and i love being your friend. i love spending time with you and hanging out and talking abotu everything and learning more about you. its fun and i like it. relationships don't have to be stereotypical lovey-teenage-romance ones. and i like to consider ours unique and i like it and its not supposed to be perfect, but its supposed to be what works. so i think our relationship should be one that just works. and i think it is. and i like that you tell me things because then we can figure out what does work and what doesn't. so i don't know. i'll probably call you before you read this because i really want to talk to you now but ill wait till you get home.

last night was a good night. because i rule.

besides that whole issue. i spoke to someone who i haven't talked to in months. i was hesitant at first, but much to my surprise and im sure hers too, it wasnt really weird. it was kind of just like an old conversation, like we had just had one like it last night. i'm beginning to thing there are nothing but endless possibilities in my life.

So it comes down to this; after a long and much needed talk on the phone (something i rarely have all thanks to good old impersonal AIM) the really big decisions in life are the ones you have to make yourself. but its really hard to really make the right choice alone. for awhile i didn't really think about what i really felt. i didnt really think of anything in my future more than 2 or 3 days off. i didn't really have set morals that i needed to abide by either. it just seemed like it wasn't really something that needed much consideration in my life at the time. its not like i didn't have morals at all, they were just more relaxed than they had been in the past and i thought i was okay with this. i didnt realize the magnitude of one major decison that i had been throwing back and forth for awhile until tonight. right now i feel completely sure that i'm going to do the right thing because i know how i feel. it may seem weird saying that i needed someone else to tell me what was really imporatant to me, but i did. i don't know if that sounds hypocritical or what but i didn't know what was important to me. and having someone very close to me explain everything just made it clearer. sorting through things inside your own head isnt even really sorting, its just... moving around... i guess that is basically what sorting is, but when you try to do it alone, you have nothing to compare it to so you don't know how your completely "sorted" mind is supposed to be. whatever the case may be this probably doesnt make sense to anyone but me, which doesnt really matter because now that i have all these *possitive* ideas in my head i just needed to write them down before i forget. i think i needed to really take a step back and think about the way i feel about different issues in my life. and i did. and now i actually know. i actually feel okay. which might not seem different from the way i usually am okay but right now i really am okay. and i think thats more imporatant than other things. because everything is so much more complex and ive let the shallowness of everyone i know take over what i really feel and i forgot about the intricate and deep relationships you can actually have with someone. i'm glad i know now. and i don't think i'll forget it. ever.

Mood: happy
Listening to: Jack Johnson- Bubble Toes


you're my lobster.

Mood: clearly undecided
Listening to: Atreyu- Lip Gloss and Black


I'm taking a short break from my mosaic day. keiko gets home tonight. yay. i hope she comes over. even though she will probably hang out with steve. i need to go turn in my thousands of applications. ive been putting off applying at meineke so long they probably have all the lifegaurding positions for the summer filled. boo hiss. whatever im pretty bored today so just call me if you want to watch my so-called life or friends. ive got both. does that make me cool? lol oh boredom ohhhh boredom.

Mood: beside myself
Listening to: Incubus- Certain Shade of Green

today was a nice slow moving saturday. but now that i think about it, i feel like it went by too fast. there is nothing to stop time and sometimes i wish there was. it all just keeps coming and the day starts and ends before you know it. the days turn in to weeks which turn into months and its like everyone is building up and waiting for something. like some cosmic event. like life is just anticipation for the future. or mourning over the past. what exactly does it mean to "live in the now"? i go to school because its what youre supposed to do, and i get the grades i need to get into college, this prepares me for graduate school, and after i get my phd, ill get a job to prepare myself for my family, and then meet a guy and then i can start planning for all kinds of future events like weddings, anniversaries, children, life. but then what? is everything we do just a step on the planning ladder? today someone asked me why i don't do my homework and if i do its always half-assed. well ive been thinking about that a lot. why don't i do my homework? i guess the conclusion ive drawn is that i don't enjoy my homework, and i don't enjoy school. and if im going to end up spending half my life in school, i don't want to have to think about my wasting a perfectly good soul on school when there are so many other things i would rather be doing. in the time i would spend doing homework if i did it all i could do things like spend real time with my friends, or read a book, or watch a movie. all of these are things that i would rather do than homework. and when it comes down to it, i don't think grades are reall what matters in life. and its really annoying when i meet people whose lives revolve around school. because then you just have to wonder... what is this person living for?

"these opinions are poison
i have been drinking them all of my life
i could never replace you
and i could never forget what its like
step out on a moonlit roof
the radio leads a feel good revolution
cigarettes and my closest friends
i tell myself that i have to remember this"

bright eyes

Blue Man Group rocks. i wish i was that cool.

i started listening to Atreyu again yesterday. i'm really trying to listen to every type of music i can get my hands on. for such a long time i was really close minded about what i listened to and i'm really mad that i was because i missed out on a lot of really good stuff. but right now i'll listen to anything anyone tells me to listen to and chances are i'll enjoy it. i'm really glad there was no school today. i needed a break very badly. i can not take some of the people there. in fact this overpowering feeling of complete and utter hatred overcomes me most of the day. i think today i will do some mosaic work and read. nice and relaxing. low key. tonight is blue man group and hoffman's battle of the bands. i wish i could go to both but i figure its not that bad because they are playing at SHOcase in like a week or 2. my hair looks so weird right now.

note to carter- remind me to tell you about my dream later. haha.
note to steve- if you get bored give me a call today. i'll most likely be around.

"Sometimes we'll laugh sometimes we'll scream no one said caring was easy"

atreyu

today was kind of laid back. i didnt really do anything worth writing down. i very rarely do. i spent the entire day thinking about one thing

"but as for me i'm coming to my final failure
i've killed myself with changes trying to make it better
but i still ended up becoming something other than what i had planned to be"

bright eyes

"I have to remind myself that these emotional experiences are reasonable and discrete unto themselves. They don't have to precipitate a depressive episode. It takes me a long time to realize that when i get upset about something it doesnt mean that the tears will never stop. it is so hard to learn to put sadness in perspective, so hard to understand that it is a feeling that comes in degrees, it can be a candle burning gently and harmlessly in your home, or it can be a full-fledged forest fire that destroys almost everything and is controlled by almost nothing. it can allso be so much in-between."

prozac nation

today was alright. im not really sure what im thinking right now. its about 3000 things going through my head all at once. its really nice to see old friends who you havent seen in a while and actually spend time with them. it gives you that really good feeling, like that everything will be okay.

"Imagination is the only weapon in the war against reality."

well im in gifted now, i should be in the art department working on my project but, my lack of internet at home and lack of completed homework for 8th hour has left me sitting in front of this monitor soaking in the ability to update this blog. today was an okay day. i think im going to go down to lunch to see keiko and steve in a few minutes. there are still about 17 minutes left inthe period. i want to get some more information from crayola though... decisions decisions. my attention getter on my speech is a quote that i vaguely remembered... "We could learn a lot from crayons, they are all different colors, and some have weird names, but they all manage to live in the same box." i thought it was alright but i think i could find better. i want to update my website because i have a new idea that would be better for it. i think i was trying to start too big with the intentions of my present website. today afterschool i want to hang out so give me a call if youre into it. well my power point is lame but im kind of not wanting to do it anymore. this has satisfied my craving for the internet for today. ps. carter is heart-stirring.

my internet doesnt work. i am at keikos right now printing stuff out for my lame-ass power point about how crayola has changed the history of our ....... today i went over to carters for a little while. it was pretty fun for such a short time. i hate not having the internet. i have this desire to work on my really dumb website and make it less dumb but i can't ohhhhh but i want to. ohhh yes. well... so.. .i need to go home soon but i dont want to. so there. well this was a really lame post i just figured i should keep you updated on my whereabouts because i know everyone looks at my blog and thinks "man where is audrey? she hasn't updated in a few days. is she dead?" well im not dead so .... yes........................ well on a scale of 1-awesome, keiko is super-great. well steve, youre my male idol. and charlie you are amazing. and carter i wish i was with you. courtney... you drive with an iron.... claw... oh tico. oihcourtney what can i say? why are you fucking me? well yes. so anyone else who looks at this- youre cool tool. hey Secret toilet cloGGer- leave my woman alone. and thanks for the extremely descriptive directions to the assylum which im sure you REALLY HAVENT been to. liar!!! booooooooooooo well. okay im done for today. maybe tomorrow during lunch ill come up and write more.

dear carter,
ive been thinking about you all day. i'm going to be gone for the rest of the afternoon but i do have my cell phone with me and i would be more than overly excited to talk to you. if you feel like you want to talk to me give me a call. ive been listening to Unsent all mornign and youre right i love it. i hope something funny happens at my grandparents so i can tell you about it. ill talk to you later. see ya

i walk to closely and tread on your heels. i can't stop this antagonizing urge to drive away from everything i know. i hate the familiarities of my dull uneventful life. i need this feeling to assure myself that someday i will be okay. i know that no matter what i do i will never be completely okay. i know you don't feel the same way about me and its not the end of the world. i mean how can someone expect so much after so little time? i don't know either. it is what it is. im not really sure where this puts "us" i hope not at the end. i dont want that to happen because its too much fun right now. and i dont know what youre thinking because its obviously 230 in the morning and youre most likely asleep but i wish i could see you right now just so i could ask you or talk to you or something and i cant even really type right now but whatever. i don't even want to post this because i feel so lame. im sorry i said it. i dont know what i was thinking. i guess i was just caught up in a good mood. whatever the case is, i hope we can get back whatever we had... because i liked it... still do like it.... want to keep it... in a heart shaped box... yeah that was unnecessary.. well its late. now. well. its easter i guess techinically. im planning on spending the day at the grandparents reading. i want to talk to youuuuuuuuuu sooooooooooo baddddddddlllllllllllyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy and i dont even know what i would say. i need to think about that now.

ive decided that i come in 2 different moods for the nightlife. i either want to relax and watch movies, or go out and do something extreme. not doing either is when i start to get angry. hahahaha ill be throwing fists and opening up a can of whip ass *lamest thing said today*

tonight was kind of okay. not great but it was alright. last night was way better.

woah time for that 70s show. "why cuddle when you can do it?"

tonight was nice... i want to watch drop dead fred right now. there isn't really anythign else i can say that would describe how i feel right except "cool" haha. but i've got one foxy freshman under my control hahaha just wait till youre a sexy sophomore and a jubilant junior. hahah oh hhh man. whooooops.

there is nothing worse in life than a bad day to make you feel less happy.

"I take 1, 1, 1 cuz you left me and
2, 2, 2 for my family and
3, 3, 3 for my heartache and
4, 4, 4 for my headaches! and
5, 5, 5 for my lonely and
6, 6, 6 for my sorrow and
7, 7 for nonono tomorrow and
8, 8 I forget what 8 was for! and
9, 9, 9 for a lost god and
10, 10, 10, 10 for everything
everything everything everything"

-violent femmes

you piss ant

well i don't really have anything to say right now. maybe when i htink of something cool and clever i'll post it

i cut my hair again tonight. i also went around with courtney tonight and before that me courtney keiko steve and tim hung out at the pond by the library for a few hours and then came back to my house and just hung out. i was goign to go rock climbing with carter but that didnt happen. oh well. theres always next time.

"i think of my own possibility. i think of the way it is wasted. the way it will always be wasted because i'm sitting here waiting for someone to love me as is."
-prozac nation

i love bright eyes

upon recieving a letter and candy from someone who i was thinking about earlier, i realized i think we can pull this friendship out of the mud its stuck in.

"Hold your sadness like a puppet, just keep putting on the play. But everything you do is leading to the point where you just won't know what to do. And at that moment you may laugh but there is someone there who will be laughing louder than you. So it's true, the trick is complete. Now you have become everything you said that you never would be. "
-bright eyes

"And I know all about those things we cannot speak
And just so you know, well they don't bother me
So you don't have to be worried
Just nod your head if the planes have changed
Shake it, love if they stay the same
Smile at me and I will stay
Start to cry and I'll go away
Just please don't leave me guessing"
-bright eyes

oh you do you do you do you do you're making me want you. i want you.

And now I'm all alone again
Nowhere to turn, no one to go to
Without a home without a friend
Without a face to say hello to
And now the night is near
I can make believe he's here
Sometimes I walk alone at night
When everybody else is sleeping
I think of him and I'm happy
With the company I'm keeping
The city goes to bed
And I can live inside my head
On my own
Pretending he's beside me
All alone
I walk with him till morning
Without him
I feel his arms around me
And when I lose my way I close my eyes
And he has found me
In the rain the pavement shines like silver
All the lights are misty in the river
In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight
And all I see is him and me forever and forever
And I know it's only in my mind
That I'm talking to myself and not to him
And although I know that he is blind
Still I say, there's a way for us
I love him
But when the night is over
He is gone
The river's just a river
Without him
The world around me changes
The trees are bare and everywhere
The streets are full of strangers
I love him
But every day I'm learning
All my life
I've only been pretending
Without me
His world would go on turning
A world that's full of happiness
That I have never known
I love him
I love him
I love him
But only on my own.

right now im wishing you didn't sign off like that. i hate the internet

lately i've been thinking about someone who used to be the only person who made me feel better about being me. the only person who was like me, and let me know that it was okay, and that even if it wasn't, it would be eventually. i haven't talked to her in months. sometimes i stay up for hours at night thinking about my failed relationships with best friends. i think my relationship with her is the one that has affected me most in the long run, and even though for a while i didn't think i cared, i realize now that i did/do/always will. throughout the deterioration of our friendship, i realized that ive met a lot of amazing people, but no replacements. i was wrong to be looking for replacements at the start. without her influence and ongoing praise of my personality and encouragement to just be myself, i would be someone entirely different today. when the thought of going to seperate highschools actually hit, i didn't think it would affect us. i just assumed the bond we had built was stronger than some stupid boundary. maybe it was, maybe it was just part of growing up that pushed us in opposite directions. i don't know how it happened, and thats not even what matters anymore. even if we never get back what we had, i wanted her to know that it meant everything to me. now im starting to cry while i think about all the stupid shit we did while i look at the photo booth pictures we took about 8 times at the board walk. not like she even reads this. i doubt my sn is even on her buddy list. it seems like a really miniscule detail that shouldnt be the determining factor of the end of a friendship, but at this point it is. a phone call is too abrupt for either of us. we know better.

you were my best friend when i was in my worst state. there are so many things i just want to tell you and at the moment i can't think of any except i love you and i miss you. its not everday you meet someone who will deal with you and your shit for a week and then come back and do it again the next year. so i guess just thanks....

thank you for being my friend
thank you for coming on vacation with me
thank you for catching tadpoles
thank you for laughing with me when my grandma got attacked by flies
thank you for sneaking out in the middle of the night to meet me when i was hysterical
thank you for being my friend when i was hysterical
thank you for swimming with jellyfish with me
thank you for riding bikes to the end of ocean avenue with me
thank you for shopping with me
thank you for walking around with me
thank you for taking pictures with me
thank you for looking for potential soul mates with me
thank you for watching submarine races with me
thank you for doing stupid shit with me
thank you for dealing with me when i was doing stupid shit
thank you for doing it too
thank you for reading books with me
thank you for catching my dad smoking with me
thank you for the endless conversations
thank you for sticking with skippy
thank you for teaching me about life
thank you for helping me understand friendship
thank you for walking over in the middle of the night
thank you for laughing at my dumb jokes
thank you for making me laugh
thank you for being there every time
thank you for making me me
thank you for being you
thank you for listening
thank you

Dominique Suchala will always be my best friend and i miss her more every day.

today i'm feeling kind of bad. my day kind of sucked. oh well. tonight i have guitar so at least i have something to focus on. i almost had an anxiety attack in gifted today i felt like an ass. oh well. i think i'm going to work on my mosaic now. its a really nice day today. tomorrow is les mis. so that should be cool. yeah.

and i know because of krs-one.

andi know... i know because of KRS-one. someday i will be a guitar god. someday...

its definitely time for bed but i don't want to go to sleep because there is no way i will be able to get up in the morning. ppull another all nighter? nahhhhhhhh my bed looks way too comfortable. but iw as being such a dilligentskdnskdfjn worker tonight that i missed that 70's show. my favorite quote of last nights episode was when eric was trying to get donna to have sex and he took one of kelso's lines and said "why cuddle when you can do it?" hahahah ohhhh eric. but the best line ever is "don't let donna suck your neck, she's a nice girl" hashahahahahaha oh man.

today i hung out with court afterschool adn we went to borders and looked at books on teenage sexuality haha. well i did. court just walked around. but then i went over to carters and we did homework. haha nerrrrrrrds. but that didnt last because most things like homework don't when im anywhere near them so then i threw some ice breaker mints at him and he attacked me with corn muffins. then we actually did write some of my essay. and then we stopped. because there were better things to do. and then it was time to go home. but it was a fun night. i laughed a lot. and carter laughed a lot at me. so all in all the love we take is equal to the love we make. haha i dont konw why i just said that.

I'm in love with sublime right now. and i know. yeah i know because of KRS-one

"Let me come wash away your fears
We go play in the tides of tears
This seems like the year that I will rip off all my skin
And then I'll be exposed to those stars up in the sky
And they will blow no wind
I would have to shed my light"
boy hits car

"Love's redemption can't defy the ocean "
boy hits car

according to keiko, im the coolest girl in the tri-state area. i agree. and i feel the same way about you sugar momma. Les Mis is soon. YAY on friday actually, im going with carter and courtney. C squared! yeahhhhhhhhhh its going to be nice. tonight i had so much fucking homework i wrote that whole loonie louie thing and i still havent done the book work and i have that huge english essay to write for thursday. booo. i need to do that all tomorrow. we had like a week to do the whole thing. thats bullshit. i know what im doing my change speech on though. CRAYOLA. carter doesnt think it was very important buyt where would we be today if it werent for the ingenius people over at crayola who designed all those wonderful things for us.tonight i have to finish my homeowkr in time to watch that 70's show because im really excited for it. I have that one line stuck in my head from the episode when eric got a hickie and the dad was like "dont let donna suck your neck, she's a nice girl" lol oh man i love that line.

i need a few movies to order off of netflicks

i want a bowl of cheerios. i need to work on my mosaic more today. mr egan suggested sanding the guitar before i put the pieces on. that was smart. i should have thought about that before.

oh man this weekend was pretty nice. it needed to be longer though. i definitely am crazy about you.

so this is the climactic point of my week. friday. and i am sitting at home staring at a monitor. im just waiting for my ruca. today the pep assembly was pretty lame because the sports teams suck. but since i was an MC it made it THAT much better. yeah im just pretty cool i guess. i wonder what we'll end up doing tonight. probably nothing TOO exciting because nothing around here is. oh well it will be fun anyway. "i love the way you move. i love the way you rap" i'm so bored. i need to get a life. i could go for a nice nap right now. this summer sarah and i with the help of courtney of course are remaking my room. it needs it badly. these manatees are just too much for me. haha. im going to have some cool contemporary paintings and some other posters too. less music and more arts and dramatics. my eyes are closing now.... drift... boo. "won't somebody get me off of this reef? baby you're a big blue whale" sublime is so classic. i love it. im talking to courtney now about TPH and im reminiscing

im in english. me and paula are talking about the gifted projects. they are lame. i dont want to present on monday because i have nothing to show.

while i was sitting on your couch talking to you. i asked you a question and you answered and it was a perfect answer. because it was honest. i had this weird feeling during that conversation. it was kind of unsettling because i've never felt so vulnerable... or seseptable... or something. the fact that i couldn't tell exactly what i was feeling was unnerving. but it felt okay. it felt right. im usually too oblivious or ignorant to get butterflies when i should... i just forget to get them or something. but i still feel them from days ago. i know i don't have to worry about a lot of people calling me lame because of this post because i only know a few people who read it. it is sort of lame i guess... but what i'm feeling is definitely not. sometimes i think im silly... yes... silly, with the way i feel about you... the fact that i studder an extreme amount mainly... but i guess it happens and theres really nothing i can do about it. i wish i could write it out better... what i was feeling... so i don't forget.... but i have this feeling that im not going to forget it anytime soon. and i could debate what i feel over and over again it wouldn't change. am i scared? yeah as hell, right now i'm staring at my moniter attempting to convince myself NOT to post this because i have this overwhelming feeling that you'll freak out when you read it. i know i will inevitably post it... and you'll most likely read it... and i hope you understand this is an extremely vague description of my feelings and if it does freak you out... well... soorry.. haha i just needed to write it down. i need it to look back on. you're amazing. there isn't really much more i can say because that about sums up everything. i know you don't think you're cool, but you really are. maybe someday ill convince you. its doubtful but ill be optimistic. i guess i just wanted to let you know in some indefinite way that you have made your mark on my heart.

So tonight i was jumping on Adals trampoline with scott and carter and then patrick came over then i froze. then i eventually went home and now i can't fucking sign on aim! well i can. but according to IT skippystd has a suspended account!!!!!!!!! why me?!!?!?!?!?!? whatever im pissed! so im using LOCKJAW72 if anyone cares. i dont know how to fix this problem either. booo hiss to the extreme. god aim you suck it big time.