I always bend to meet your expecations. My back is hurting not just from that but from where you stabbed me. You were never really my friend, i see it clearer now. People don't treat people the way you've treated me, its not even human let alone friendly. Love is patient and love is kind, why don't you read corrintheans and rethink your so-called love. because over here in my so-called life, its tiring chasing you around or running from you. I gave you everything i had, including my heart and there are only so many times that i'm willing to lay everything down knowing all the while that i'm going to end up hurt. You tell me i'm selfish. well this is me saying i'm not. this is me saying that for once in my life i'm putting myself in front of you. For once i'm thinking of whats in my best interest. for once i'm living for me and not for you. i'm not going to sit here and tell you i hate you because that's not true. I love you and always will. but i'm never coming back. and i'm sorry if it takes you this long to realize everything, and in a way im more sorry if you never realize it. but the cycle of abuse has got to end and youre not going to be the one to stop it. so live your life and i'll live mine. and you're right, you are an asshole. but you don't care enough to change. and as much as i'd like to be, i refuse to be friends with assholes. and i guess in the grand scheme of things, 2 years isn't really that much time. i've been stalled for months waiting as patiently as i could all the while dying on the inside and you call me selfish. its just not worth it so this time im walking away and i'm never going to turn around.


What have i become? Truth is, nothing yet. A simple mistake starts the hardest time.

I'm listening to the ataris and this must mean an all time low. When im depressed i shop and my wallet knows no bounds.

"2000 miles between us and I guess that I'm the one to blame. relationships and heartaches, these two things are one and the same. the radio plays a love song. I smash my fist right through the dial. here's to the broken hearted. a generation born in denial."

I'm commited to insecurity and you. and love is overated. it leaves you devastated- heart ripped in two."


I'm sorry but i can't talk to you anymore. I'm on detox.

I'm listening to the ataris and this must mean an all time low. When im depressed i shop and my wallet knows no bounds.

"2000 miles between us and I guess that I'm the one to blame. relationships and heartaches, these two things are one and the same. the radio plays a love song. I smash my fist right through the dial. here's to the broken hearted. a generation born in denial."

I'm commited to insecurity and you. and love is overated. it leaves you devastated- heart ripped in two."


I'm sorry but i can't talk to you anymore. I'm on detox.

I still love stephen.

I think relationships are more about timing than anything else.


i have really bad timing.

I love you. Someday we will find eachother.


Noises off was fantastic. I loved this show. the cast was incredible, i couldn't have asked for anything more. I'll miss it forever. I dont know if i'll ever really do theatre again. i've left my heart in the carl weimer auditorium.

I can't ever seem to find the blue dot.

I can't do this forever. I'm tired of being your fairweather friend.

I'm going to be a platinum blonde.

You take me for granted. Stephen.


What have I done? It's too late for that
What have I become? Truth is nothing yet
A simple mistake starts the hardest time
I promise i'll do anything you ask, this time.


I cant continue this way. Its breaking my heart and its ruining a friendship. You can call me when you want to be friends again, if you want to be friends again. But make sure you mean it.

You take me for granted. Stephen.


What have I done? It's too late for that
What have I become? Truth is nothing yet
A simple mistake starts the hardest time
I promise i'll do anything you ask, this time.


I cant continue this way. Its breaking my heart and its ruining a friendship. You can call me when you want to be friends again, if you want to be friends again. But make sure you mean it.

I came home from school at 730 this morning. I feel sick.

My life is a joke.

I have no idea when i will make up this Bio test. i need like 2 hours free.

I hate high school.

Virginia let me in.

Boston, where are you?

please don't make me send my first semester grades.

"This is getting over you."

I am almost confident that steve could answer 95% of these questions correctly. With that being said, here is another pointless survey.


What is your full name: Audrey Claire Billhymer
Spell your first name backwards: Yerdua
Date of birth: 2.14.87
Male or female: female
Astrological sign: aquarius
Nicknames: Aud...
Occupation: professional menace to society. haha
Height: 5'8-9
Weight: Last year in gym i was about 145 so we'll just say that
Hair color: light brown
Eye color: blue
Where were you born: hoffman estates
Where do you reside now: schaumburg
Age: 17 for one more week!
Screen names: deerbandits
E-mail addy: staticprevails72@yahoo.com
What does your screen name stand for: hahahaha. long story and inside joke with my mom and courtney from washington dc/virginia. "the bandits probably punched it out." "oh, deer!"
Pets: Baby Axle!
Number of candles you blew out on your last birthday cake: 17
Piercings: well... i guess 2 in each ear. i just repierce them for dances.
Tattoos: i don't have any. Amor Vincit Omnia.
Shoe size: 9.5
Righty or lefty: righty
Wearing: woodland animal pants with soffe shorts and foo fighters t-shirt with ae green fleece
Hearing: At the Drive-In
Feeling: tired
Eating/drinking: nothing but im thirsty

Guys/Girls/Love/Kissing/And Other Stuff
Have you ever been in love: yes
How many people have you said it to: id say 4
How many people have you been in REAL love with: 2
How many people have you kissed: um. like 8-9? a normal amount? right?
Have you ever kissed someone of the same sex: yes
How many people have you dated: id say like 5 really
What do you look for in a guy/girl: sense of humor, intelligence
What's the first thing you notice about the opposite sex: eyes
What type of guy/girl do you usually go for: The kind that don't stay
Do you have a crush right now: yeah
If so who is it: stephen
Do you believe in love at first sight: i guess its possible
Do you remember your first love: sure i do
Who is the first person you kissed: vince guiliano
Do you believe in fate: yeah
Do you believe in soul mates: yeah
If so do you believe you'll ever find yours: i hope so

Family Stuff
How many siblings do you have: 1 brother eric
What are your parents names: mark and linda
How many siblings does your mother have: 3
How many siblings does your father have: 2
Where are your parents from: Salt Lake City Utah and Janesville Wisconsin
Is your family close: Maybe i dont know
Does your family get together for holidays: yeah
Do you have a drunk uncle: no
Any medical problems run through your family: not really
Do you have any nieces or nephews: no
Are your parents divorced: no they are not
Do you have step parents: no
Has your family ever disowned another member of your family: no
Did some of your family come to America from another country: they did somewhere down the line, obviously.

Music Stuff
What song do you swear was written about you or your life: there are so many lol. Right now- Jimmy Eat World- Kill, but usually, Saves the Day- 3 miles down
What's the most embarrassing cd you own: i sort of like them all
What's the best cd you own: transatlantism
What song do you absolutely hate: eminems new songs
What song reminds you of that special someone: it seems like every song but Elvis- I can't help Falling in Love with You. Eric Clapton- Wonderful Tonight

Okay, I Name An Artist And You Give A Lyric From Any One Of Their Songs!
Pink: youre just like a pill instead of making me better you keep making me ill
Aerosmith: hey, j-j-j-aded you got your mommas smile but your yesterdays child to me
Madonna: hey mr. dj put a record on i wanna dance with my baby
Korn: im feeling like a freak on a leash, feeling like i have no release
Backstreet Boys: you are my fire, the one desire, believe me when i say that i want it that way. tell me why!!
The Beatles: baby you can drive my car i guess im gonna be a star baby you can drive my car and baby i love you
Sublime: mucho gusto me llamo bradley and i am hornier than ron jeremy

Favorites Color: green blue
Food: i hate this one its so hard. i just dont knwo right now
Song: Konstantine, weezer- say it ain't so, hey girl live.
Show: emergency vets
School subject: english
Band/singer/artist: saves the day
Animal: i love them all
Outfit: jeans and a hoodie preferably BC or RBF
Radio station: 97.1
Movie: The Princess Bride
Pair of shoes: birks
Cartoon: some weird japanese one that keiko watched
Actor: John Cusak
Actress: Natalie Portman and Scarlet Johansson
Potato chip: hmmm. lays definitely, no ridges!
Drink: strawberry kiwi gatorade
Soda: diet coke
Holiday: christmas
Perfume/cologne: anna sui- sui dreams
Pizza topping: almost all
Jello flavor: lime
Lunch meat: turkey
Card Game: spoons
Video game: DDR max 2!
Website: www.virginia.edu ha. hahaa.
Book: The Notebook, Fool on the Hill, Catcher in the Rye
Computer game: spider solitaire?
Number: 21
Cereal: oh's
Comedian: Brian Regan
Dessert: i love everything
Disney character: Lumiere and Clocksworth
Clothing store: American Eagle and Urban Outfitters
Past time: friends
Teacher: MADDOX!!!!!!!!!
Childhood toy: the doctor kit? or Sarah the doll.
Carnival game/ride: tilt-a-whirl
Candy bar: hmm almond joy
Magazine: i dont really read them... people?
Salad dressing: bleu cheese or... thousand island
Thing to do on the weekend: be with friends, i.e. keiko
Hot drink: lattes
Season: summer
Sport to watch: i know you'll think i'm lying, but, golf. it grew on me accidentally.
Person to talk to online: grant and dave are always funny

Your Bedroom/Sleeping Habits
What color are your sheets: light blue with weird flowers
What color are your bedroom walls: laguna blue
Do you have posters on your wall: Marilyn Monroe and a Kissing the War Goodbye
Do you have a tv in your bedroom: yea
How many pillows are on your bed: 3 if you count the weird little fish one
What do you normally sleep in: shorts and cami or pants and cami
Describe your favorite pair of pajamas: soffee shorts with old navy white cami
What size bed do you have: twin
Do you have a waterbed/bunkbed/daybed: pretty much normal
Do you have your own phone line in your bedroom: i used to but i never used it so no.
Describe the last nightmare you had: something to do with being late for school
Do you sleep with stuffed animals: not really, axle eats them
How many people can comfortably sleep comfortably in your bed: two if they spooned
Do you snore: no
How about drool: more than im really comfortable admitting
Do you have an alarm clock in your room: my tv is an alarm
What color is the carpet in your room: "cotton tail"
What's under your bed: drawers

This or that
loser/wannabe: loser
Doughnuts/bagels: bagel
Day/night: night
Make love/have sex: make love
Coffee/tea: coffee
Hamburgers/hotdogs: hamburger
Rap/rock: rock
Britney/Christina: britney lately
Swiss cheese/american cheese: american
Silver/gold: silver
Nike/Adidas: adidas 4lyfe!
McDonalds/Taco Bell: t-bell
Sweet/sour: sweet
Punk/emo: emo
Hot/cold: hot
Winter/summer: summer
Spring/fall: fall
Operas/plays: plays
Read/watch tv: read
Cd's/tapes: cds
Dvd's/vhs:dvd
Shorts/skirts: skirts
Pink/red: red
Colored pictures/black and white photos: depends. i like black and white though.
Meat/vegetables: vegetables
Mexican food/chinese food: mexican
Commercials/infomercials: commercials
Scary movies/comedies: comedies
Bikinis/one piece bathing suits: bikini
Sandals/tennis shoes: sandals
Dogs/cats: dogs
Water/land: water
Sugar/spice: hmmm right now im in the mood for sugar.
Black/white: white
Chicken/beef: chicken
Colored christmas lights/regular white christmas lights: regular/white
Cars/trucks: trucks
Popcorn/pretzels: pretzels with cream cheese
Passionate kiss/peck: passionate
Back rub/foot massage: back rub
Picture frames/photo albums: picture frames
Pens/pencils: pencil, mechanical pencil.

What Is Your Opinion Of The Following
Eminem: old stuff good
Virgins: are cool
God: is great
Religion: i have it
Valentine's Day: is my birthday
Homosexuals: are my friends.
Abortion: murder is wrong
Inter-racial relationships: why not
Murder: see abortion
Death: happens to everyone
Obesity: sucks for the most part
Pre-marital sex: i cant say right now
Terrorism: who likes it?
Pornography: whatever works
Fortune Tellers: illogical but i would believe them
Threesomes: i'm not feeling it
Prostitution: that doesn't sound hot either
Politics: are important
Country music: yes
George W. Bush: i will always vote the party. i love him.
Cloning: as conservative as i am, i think stem cell research is important.
Britney's boobs: are pretty perfect looking
Gas prices in America: it is what it is. i want a hybrid.

When you try so hard to deny it, why would I tell you that I do love you? I'll never really know what you want from me.

Bright Eyes and now I understand. I feel worse but then I always can.

the kitchen is cold
but the coffee is warm
and the suns coming up
the day has just begun
and your already bored.

bored of cheering me up
bored of calming me down
bored of drying my eyes
but there once was a time when you were the one.
you were the blue of the sky
you came after the storm
you were the switch on the wall
in the dark of the hall
im still fumbling for.

cuz im lost in the black
i dont know where I am.
arms stretched out in front
im calling your name
just as loud as I can
I know theres words that we will never speak
and the questions cant be answered easily
but I wanted to be easy so

nod your head if the plans have changed
shake it, love, if they've stayed the same
smile at me and I will stay
start to cry and I'll go away
just please dont leave me guessing.

so you made me come
then you sent me away
like a messenger bird
so I circled the earth
blown away in the wind
but I always returned
with some new little song
some sad story to tell
of a breif love affair
with a girl I compared to you and she failed

you said you dont want me to beg
then you said get down on your knees
cuz you knew that I would
if I do any good satisfying your needs.
and I know all about those things we cannot speak
and just so you know well they dont bother me
so you dont have to be worried

just nod your head if the plans have changed
shake it, love, if they stayed the same
smile at me and I will stay
start to cry and I'll go away
just please dont keep me waiting
just nod your head if your mind's been changed
shake it, love, if some hope remains
just say the word and of course ill stay
roll your eyes and Ill go away
just please dont leave me guessing.
just please dont keep me waiting.

I haven't written anything in a while. Days even. Altered state of mine with an altered perception of life. If optimism was water, i would be the dryest desert.

I'm glad I have people I call friends. If it were up to me, I'd never have to miss you.

Now that I've lost everything to you
You say you wanna start something new
And it's breaking my heart you're leaving
Baby, I'm grieving

But if you wanna leave, take good care
I hope you have a lot of nice things to wear
But then a lot of nice things turn bad out there

Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world
It's hard to get by just upon a smile
Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world
I'll always remember you like a child, girl

You know I've seen a lot of what the world can do
And it's breaking my heart in two
'Cause I never wanna see you a sad girl
Don't be a bad girl

But if you wanna leave, take good care
I hope you make a lot of nice friends out there
But just remember there's a lot of bad and beware

Baby, I love you
But if you wanna leave, take good care
I hope you make a lot of nice friends out there
But just remember there's a lot of bad and beware

If i had known then that these things happen, would they have happened with you?


I have nothing interesting to say. Today was just a day. I'm scared of school tomorrow. Hold me before I fall asleep. Let me know you remember who I am.



I am finally seeing I was the one worth leaving.

Since its really 1 in the morning im going to update about "last" night which was really tonight im also going to include things from yesterday which i still feel like is today. I want to write about this because im trying not to think about anything really emotionally draining. Its inevitable but right now i'm in denial. I'm going to start from the begining...

At 3 in the morning axle was crying, this was okay because i still hadn't gotten to sleep yet and i felt sick and animal planet was, for once in my life, not making anything better. I let axle outside and he came in and wouldn't let me wipe the snow off. so i chased him around the breakfast bar. thats actually a lie. i didn't. i don't know why i just said i did. i guess im trying to make it seem more interesting than it really was which was him jumping up and laying on the chair before i could get the snow off his feet. A few hours later I felt sick again and got up to find eric online and it 8 in the morning. I took 2 aleve and went back to sleep. I got up again at 1130 to go to cyndi and my mom had an envelope from Puget Sound...

It was neither an acceptance or rejection but simply them telling me they will let me know by mid march. awesome. except its not really because i dont want to go there. regardless i drove to cyndi in the snow and proceeded to explain my week and then she told me why i feel like i do and how to fix it. The solution was simple but i haven't done anything about it yet. I might just let it happen on its own because i have a feeling it will. After that i came home and sat in my room with absolutely no appetite. its been gone all week.

I watched the end of seabiscuit, the random middle of the bodyguard, and some newly weds. then i went to get coffee with brian. we talked for a few hours and i felt better about things and then i went home and had this weird experimental dinner that my mom made and then she didnt eat it because shes cleansing her intestines or something. it was okay but i felt sick before, while and after i ate it. either way, during the meal my princess showed up and we tried to think of something to do. it was hard. we didn't really want to hang out with anyone either so i suppose that made it more difficult. We rented the skulls and save the last dance. we bought tea and then made it. The Skulls made me want to go to UVA more and then get invited to join Seven (the coolest secret society ever). Keiko ruined Save the Last Dance because she kept making fun of Julia Stiles' moves.

Now im here sitting online and contemplating going to bed, staying online, or reading. if i go to bed, should i listen to my ipod or just go to sleep? if i listen to my ipod will i pick the slow songs that i know will make me cry? and the answer is yes but the follow up question is why? this answer i do not know. i suppose its because Atreyu just doesnt have that dreamy-sleep quality. har-dee-har-har. i do have atreyu on my iPod. along with Shakira and the Wicked soundtrack. i would like to consider myself musically diverse except i dont really like Atreyu. I still have it so that counts. or does it? i don't care. The local scene is a joke and the doors are classic. no offense to the "scene" or whatever but hey. i'm leaving this place in a few months. it doesnt matter if im going to colorado state or boston college. well... it does matter but i don't want to think about that right now.

Keiko i think you should know that it totally makes sense that no one talked to you at that show friday because youre just seriously, not hardcore enough. you and me can go to thrift stores and buy old shirts and guy pants and then make sure we make our belt buckles face backwards. That is pretty much the most impractical fashion ive ever seen catch on. but maybe then we will be appreciated for our APPARENT originality and seen for the hard core SONS OF BITCHES we really are. Either way keiko, youre just not cool and the fact that youre smart makes you even LESS hard core if you could possibly be it. youre just boring. boring old keiko with nothing but japan on her side.

Well i could fill books with my complaints of society but where would that get me if im not funny? man humor is just one of the greatest things. if you dont have it... well then you probably dont talk to me. i'll come back to this...

These are the things hanging on my desk board thing...

-pictures of:

• Keiko and Stephen from sophomore year hahahahaha
• My mom and my aunt when they were little
• My dad waterskiing like 20 years ago at crab lake
• My mom when she was like 10
• Axle the second day we got him
• My brother and me on halloween when i was like 6.
• Me holding Danni (jeremys dog) sophomore year
• Me holding a huge tadpole at crab lake
• Me, Court and my cousin Dan in Central Park
• Justin's senior pic from 2 years ago
• Carter holding axle
• Me court and Stephen on my 17th birthday

-Other random things that are just pinned to it:

• A blue butterfly i bought in portland and named Dave (after Dave tesnow)
• A marshalls name tag (RIP)
• A freshman letter for soccer. 2005 saxons! hahahahaha
• A weird hawaiin skull thing that is supposed to be good luck
• A fortune cookie fortune "The color red will be important to you." It ended up having to do with prom, which was cool.
• A "Prom Court 2004" Sash. I wasnt even prom court! i just rock that hard.
• A ticket from the Manet and the Sea exhibit from the art institute. I went with my mom, brother eric and steve hahahaha. it was definitely awesome. eric got yelled at by security. they were probably prejudice against people with webs. ahhahahaha.

Anyway, back to the whole "humor" topic. i think its an important quality. like eric for example. i mean im not here to talk shit about my brother. i love him. hes a cool guy when hes not forgetting he is alive. but all the girls (freshman girls) think hes hot. which is funny he has webbed fingers, messed up toenails and lets just say "cleanliness next to godliness" is not exactly his motto to live by. Either way. i think irony and funnyness go hand in hand. i dont know what else to say about that. My life is ironic, and i think my life is funny. some would say pathetic but iwould say funny.

February 14th is coming up... ya'll know what that means? happy fucking birthday audrey! and what else happens that day? oh what? valentine's day? well fuck it. Maybe this year ill have a heart shaped cake just to piss myself off. last year we went to medieval times and it was so awesome. our knight lost but he tossed me a flower. or tossed it and i got it. either way. what a party. this year all i want is a chocolate fountain. so im going to rent one and i dont even care if no one comes to enjoy it with me, i just want a chocolate fountain. Now im looking around my room and im annoyed because i dont really have much else to say. well thats not true. i just have too many thoughts to write them down. some are really lame and others inappropriate so i suppose this breathtakingly beautiful glimpse into my mind is drawing to a close. here ends the shooting of the proverbial shit. onto better and brighter things like methodical madness. and i just thought of Tony's shirt that says "rock that bass" and it has a picture of a fish on it. like a bass hahaha and i thought it was probably the funniest part of the macro final. really the only funny part. i love bass. and now i depart with keiko whispering dirty sweet nothings into my computer.

And hey Polonius- sorry but i dont agree that brevity is the soul of wit! so im glad hamlet stabs you! hey Shakes, you my soulmate.

Signing off,

AUDREY (in caps because im ready to carpe diem).

City on Down- Hello 2005- and always, SARDINES.

I think today is the begining of the rest of my life and i'm going to make it and i'm going to make it on my own. Its time for me to start living. I can't base my happiness on the status of our relationship- I know now. So no more worrying because I believe in myself this time. And its not about "us." its about "you" and "me." I realize this now. and I am sincerely happy for you. Best wishes to you in the near future if we don't keep our friendship up as much as we both want to. Honestly, I'm ready to be myself again. This bitter mess is not who I enjoy being.

"If this is what will really make you happy.. then I say we'll be old enough to know better, young enough to pretend. This is the last of my letters until I see you again."- Get Up Kids

Love,
Audrey

"you act like you don't know me.
you act like you cant see me.
i just wish you would show me
that you'll be right on my time.

I know you're kind of busy these days
its been a day but i haven't heard you call
i'd climb a mountain just to get a better view of you
but i'll never ask again."

-OAR

Tonight could have been bad. but it ended up being okay. Keiko is my better half. even though shes sort of creepy. hahahahah. ohh. nothing much to say except i've got Patsy Cline in my head and a pain in my heart.


"It is difficult to know at what moment love begins; it is less difficult to know that it has begun."- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

King of the Thing

I'm done with the wishing and everything's going to be alright.

You'll be my best friend always.


...Patiently...
Audrey

I should be studying for Spanish or Bio but instead i'm here listening to Sublime and feeling okay. today strock and lauren talked to me for about an hour after practice. I dont know. Strock is scared that Drama is going to be really weird. i sort of forgot about it but i still think it will be okay. Do you?


You know what? the next time you see NICK well tell him im going to stick some needles in his face and watch him on his knees. watch him when he sees that im not foolin. cause im through being cool and he keeps telling everyone about me. yeah like how im such a fool. and oh that im so deceptive. NICK WHY ARE YOU SUCH A PRICK? WHY DONT YOU JUST WALLOW IN THE HOPES THAT MAKE OF THIS REALITY. THE WORLD IS WHAT YOU MADE IT AND I DONT WANT A PART OF IT.

Wednesday, October 29, 2003

weirdest comment of the day-

Tenngolfer59: i want you to dance with a sasquatch

Well I can hardly wait until I get the sun and your lips both pressing on my skin
Well I can hardly wait until I feel that thrill my heart that starts inside your eyes

Today the finals were okay. i managed to pull off an A in health. i'll give myself a pat on the back for that one. Play practice doesnt start till 3 which is lame. I knew how to do more on the calc final than i thought i did. tomorrow is spanish and bio. SWEET. haha. no. i have to study for bio a lot still. Last night i worked out with keiko and i have to say- thank you lovely for making me laugh MUCHO! har-dee-har-har. Today is an alkaline trio day. if that wasnt obvious. So i have a new goal for myself since its hard to live without having these stupid little goals. Right now my goal is to appreciate my friends. My long term goal is to be happy with myself. someday i'll get there. enough of this sappy shit. sardines here. sardines there. I have a feeling i'm not going to stop laughing at play practice. i hate that. tee hee hee.


You’re the only place in my heart I call home.


Fatally yours,
Audrey!


It's nothing I'll forget when the moon gets tired
You are stuck to me everyday
Believe in what I am because it's all I have today
And tomorrow who knows where we'll be
From here I can hardly see a thing
But I will follow anyone who brings me to you
For now, forever, for on and on and on

And if i could sum it all up i'd say its difficult to put into words. its hard to understand exactly what i feel. i just know it won't go away. I'm switching temporarily to a plain template so i can look through archives.


How long will you wait for me to come around?
And wouldn't it be great if everything worked out?
I wouldn't come home late after hiding out.
I'd tell you everything.
Like how I couldn't live without you now.
How long will it take before I wake up unafraid to take you in my arms
and hold you like a lucky charm?
I know it's too late but wait for me to turn around.
I'm coming home so if you're leaving, walk slow.
All that I can ask is forgiveness for what's past.
You know who I am but will you know me in the end?
I know it's too late but wait for me to turn around.
I'm almost home so if you're leaving walk slow.
All that I can ask is forgiveness for what's past.
You know who I am, but will you know me in the end?
I know it's too late but wait for me to turn around.
I'm almost home, so if you're leaving, walk slow.
I know you're not waiting anymore and I'm not gonna change.
I try to reach you, to let you know, but I'm walking too slow.
Hey, how's your summer going?
It's good to see you again.
I'm gonna make a record so I never forget what it was I wrecked.
So tired of my mind.
You're a genius all the time.
The things that I can't say are all thinking me insane these days.
I know it's late.

And I'm trying to understand myself
And pinpoint where I am
By the time I get things figured out
I've change the whole damn plan
Oh noose I've tied myself in, tied myself too tight
Talking shit about a pretty sunset
Blanketing opinions that i'll probably regret soon
I've changed my mind so much I can't even trust it
My mind changed me so much I can't even trust myself.

you let me down I said it. now I'm going down and you're not even around.

Why?
Why?
Why?

Someone save me from myself.
I don't see you anymore.

I remember when you and me used to spend the whole god damned day in bed.

Are you ever sick of life? I am. I need to get away. I need to know. April is too far. Whats the point of going on pretending I don't care?

You should know
Sometimes it's hard for me to show
My fears
But I'm never insincere
Don't turn away
From what you trusted yesterday
I'm still that person
That you can always depend on.

WHAT YOU HAVE IS NOT WHAT YOU ARE.

I'm so sad right now and i could never have predicted feeling this way. I just need to study.

I'm afraid that you've become everything that you had hated. I'm waiting for this to blow away. I heard you say your future is looking SO GREAT.

I find out about Rice by Feb. 10th. I'm nervous. This weekend has been laid back. I liked it. Today I really have to study. I'm going out to lunch with Keiko... unless she gets hungry and eats beforehand.

I'm acting like the jealous ex-girlfriend and Im creeping myself out. OAR reminds me of driving down 59.

This may be the very minute I'm aware i'm alive...
This is the straw, final straw, in the roof of my mouth, as i lie to you. just because i'm sorry doesnt mean i didn't enjoy it at the time.


On friday keiko and i went to the IGNITE THE SKY and ELI show. I realize how lame that "scene" is. To think that i ever associated myself with it is slightly embarassing. I think the funniest part was the hardcore dancing/mosh? Everyone looked so angry. haha. oh well. Now that i've gone, its safe to say, i don't plan on going to any more of them. I mean i love mike, i'm just not cool enough to be a scenester. I'm not angry enough and i wear too much American Eagle and my hair is too... clean? and i don't have a kill hannah track jacket. needless to say, i'm quite a loser.

I love my dog!
love
Audrey

I don't know why I haven't updated in a while. Today I really have the WashU interview at 2:00. so from 11-1 I plan to shower and and study for bio. I need to get a B on the final. ahahahah.

I saw In Good Company and it was good but it didn't end the way I wanted it to. I'm sort of in a Pirats of the Carribbbabbebean mood. I need to get my costume for the play. We will probably go to the thrift stores sometime this week. Ugh. Oh well time to study.

*You want to fight for this love, but honey you cannot wrestle a dove.

Am i the only one who isn't nervous about Noises Off? Maybe thats not a good sign. Tonight my mom said to me "why does all the weird stuff happen to you?"

well i dont know mom, im just weird. It makes me feel good when i can help eric with algebra, because i cant really help anyone with anything else.

Good Company comes out tomorroW!!!! weeeee! I'm goin to go read though.

OAR reminds me of summer.

Return to Sender

As the warm wind blows in it blankets my thoughts
I feel calm for once without any resolution
january nights have never been so concealing
of my thoughts dreams and desires
things not worth revealing
things for which there is no substitution
perhaps that is the closure ive long since needed
when the summer wind settles in again
so does my summer love, long since retreated
i feel like Prufrock in the shadow of a dream
i am no Ophelia! but i do share her pain
i read the classics but my thoughts won't change
the realness of my skewed perspective
leaves me torn between what is and what seems
pulling the shades can't make the view less strange
is this the fate to which we all are destined?
to live a life malled by love? lost and defective
when that summer wind settles in again
i wonder how soon its euphoria will end
what happens to feelings left unannounced
will they fade away if i pretend
or will they implode?

We Are Infinite.

It has come to my attention that Keiko knows all of my secrets. Pretty much any event in my life that has had any real weight (or just any event) has been described to her at length and probably multiple times. this is not a bad thing.

I would like a make a general announcement that gossip is from hell; though i do partake in it quite freely i, under no circumstances, feel it is appropriate to establish opinions of a person solely based on what someone else may or may not say. i work hard to place my friends in their best light, it would be unfair for anyone not to. we are all human and we are not perfect. we are not perfect friends and we are not perfect lovers but i would like to think that the people closest to me are as near perfect as possible, and i will never see them differently... unless they hurt my dog. everyone deserves a chance to be the kind of persont he/she deserves to be.

So though i claim to be a grammarian, i do occasionally end a sentense with a preposition. And i am okay with that.

on a side note: i'm through with this debating over whether or not we should be friends. its tiring and i feel it would be more productive to channel my energy elsewhere. regardless of the terms on which we end, i feel compelled to tell you that i do not speak ill of you and i expect the same decency and respect from you. if this seems impersonal it is because that is how i indended it to sound. i don't want to be a bitch. and i don't want to fight. If nothing else, i would genuinely appreciate civilty. (insert ...).


enough existentialism for one night.
audrey

"We do not believe in ourselves until someone reveals that deep inside us something is valuable, worth listening to, worthy of our trust, sacred to our touch. Once we believe in ourselves we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight or any experience that reveals the human spirit."
-e.e. cummings

Thank you, Ryan.

Today was pretty boring until health, then it got fun. Bio was okay. i didnt do extremely terribly on the genetics test so thats a plus. practice was alright except no one knew their lines. i thought people were okay but i guess not. i know i didn't know them as well as i should. i need to work on that tonight. In other news, the shoes i ordered from alloy.com still havent come. im getting anxious. my birthday is in just over a month. We are doing concessions for drama this friday and we found that out today. Tonight i plan to...

1. Look over Molecular genetics
2. Read the poem for Lit
3. Look at calculus? probably not
4. Memorize lines
5. Do activity 64 for macro
6. DO LAUNDRY

pity this busy monster,manunkind,

not. Progress is a comfortable disease:
your victum(death and life safely beyond)

plays with the bigness of his littleness
-electrons deify one razorblade
into a mountainrange;lenses extend

unwish through curving wherewhen until unwish
returns on its unself.
A world of made
is not a world of born-pity poor flesh

and trees,poor stars and stones, but never this
fine specimen of hypermagical

ultraomnipotence. We doctors know

a hopeless case if-listen:there's a hell
of a good universe next door;let's go

- e. e. cummings

Ode to Jets To Brazil

What’s best for everyone is bound to hurt somebody
What’s best for everyone is killing me

And I cried out your name because I loved the sound it made
and because I couldn't wait to see your face.
And nothing ever was the same.
And the stars say, "Look into my eyes."
But I can't change if it's only in my mind.
And I love you but I don't have the right.
And I wanted you so bad tonight.

there's an end but we don't get to choose. we can only lose.
if I cried a river just for you
would you swim in it some sunny afternoon?

All things that those who wait
Take time to find your way
Half the answers
Are failing your mistakes
Even when you’re wrong I think you’re great

now all these tastes improve
through the view that comes with you
like they handed me my life
for the first time it felt right
thank you for making me see there's a life in me
it was dying to get out

Wash U was not meant to be. Tonight we're going out for ronny's birthday. i have absolutely nothing else to say.

I am going to write 20 notecards that say why I should like myself. I have an interview with Wash U tomorrow, or today rather. I'm sort of nervous, but in a good way. Sometimes I regret the things I say, or I wish i had said them differently. I think i'm helping but im really not approaching the situation with the compassion and understanding i should. I realize this now in retrospect. keiko- im sorry i made you feel bad tonight. you're still my favorite latina. I'm also starting a new project called "think before i talk" and im trying as of right now to not be so over analytical. I get paranoid and ruin things. Positive and optimistic Audrey is coming soon. And now for your viewing pleasure, my 2 favorite verses to The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock by none other than our T.S.

Should I, after tea and cakes and ices,
Have the strength to force the moment to its crisis?
Bit though I have wept and fasted, wept and prayed,
Though I have seen my head (grown slightly bald) brought in upon a platter,
I am no prophet- and here's no great matter;
I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker,
And I have seen the eternal Footman hold my coat, and snicker,
And in short, I was afraid....

...No! I am not Prince Hamlet, nor was meant to be;
Am an attendant lord, one that will do
To swell a progress, start a scene or two,
Advise the prince; no doubt, and easy tool.
Deferential, glad to be of use,
Politic, cautious, and meticulous:
Full of high sentense, but a bit obtuse;
At times, indeed, almost ridiculous-
Almost, at times, the Fool.

A Cure for Melancholy.


The irony in the world is unbelievable. Where is my T.S. Eliot? Its an unattainable dream I have to be chased after. Everything may look perfect from far away, but everything is really fucked up. I hope i slip and break my neck too. Let me never remember this feeling. Why is it when i want to think of something good, nothing comes to mind? now i'm complaining again and where is it getting me? i need to memorize my lines and axle has gross gas. So i guess ill see you around.


Here you can be anything and I think that scares you.

I loved today.

I feel like saying anything else might ruin it.
Love me today because tomorrow I may change.
I love Noises Off and Nothing On.
These are the days I want to remember when I've left this place.


So why does the sheikh look like philip?

Art thou less beautiful, or I more dull?
O Nature, once my passion and delight,
How shall I win thee? Is thy promise null?
Or have I forfeited my ancient right?
By me thy skiey splendours are unwatched,
By me thy changeful year unheeded flies,
Glories of sunrise, or of eve unmatched,--
Changes but new delights to lovers' eyes.
Time was, I thought, that thou to me hadst given
The dearest boon imparted from above,
The greener meadow and the bluer heaven,
With the deep heart of wonder and of love.
But now, the sharer of a common lot,
I only wonder that I wonder not.

Remember your ailing heart and your criminal eyes.

I want school to be cancelled tomorrow sooo badly. All i want to do is play in the snow. I'm scared to look around my house for snow pants because im scared that i will jynx it and then we will have school and i can't deal with that kind of guilt. The bio test wasn't as bad as i thought even though im sure i got all the multiple choice wrong and the entire second essay, but that first essay- i know i had to have nailed it. I mean the only thing i really didn't know what exactly what part of the body Tay-Sach's affected. either way. why am i even wasting the time to talk about biology? hahahaha. i want a snow day tomorrow and i want to go sledding and then i want to build a snowman on my roof... lets travel back in time to the snow day from freshman year...

It was the morning and Charlie's mom called me and said there was no school. i immediately called jessica and we called Danni and Dom and we got our snow gear on and we built a huge snowman on my roof. then we all jumped off the roof into the backyard and didn't get hurt. We walked around the entire neighborhood and we went to walgreens. it may not sound fun but it was. so thats that.

"No, no. That wasn't the one I said. This one means "Kill Kirk"... And also, "hallelujah"... Depending on the context."

This is the straw-final straw in the roof of my mouth.

"And I like you, so there's that. I guess I have that."

Just how much longer are you going to keep this up? How much longer am i going to have to play the bad guy? When will you understand that i'm not out to get you and i don't spend my time thinking of ways to hurt you. I just don't know what to say anymore. you're making things so hard. I'm tired of reassuring.

Chocolate

The Conflict: Despite my efforts, I continue to want things that I know are bad for me. I choose the unhealthy route all the time and I can't bring myself to want what I really need. The calamity is killing me. Maybe the fact that I know I'm making the wrong decisions is a possitive but the fact that I still can't make the right choice is annoying. I mean, maybe I try too hard to force myself to like certain things. I don't know why I want the wrong things. I need to write a poem for english but I really don't want to. Everything I write sounds exactly the same...

i love you.
you dont love me
i miss you
you don't miss me
blah blah i hate everything
woe is me
life is frustrating

I did absolutely terribly on the SAT IIs i just took. so much worse than before on the lit. and the math was naturally awful. I officially give up on boston college. I know I'm going to end up at Syracuse, but maybe that isn't the worst thing ever. Although it depresses me to no end, I can't be good enough for everything, or anything that I really want. I want to cry right now but I know better.

"Why do the good girls always want the bad boys?" Am I a good girl? I don't think I am but maybe i could rephrase that to say "Why do the intuitive and self-aware girls always want the emotionally unhealthy boys?" I guess that just doesn't have the same ring.

Regarding turnabout: I would rather go stag and have a good time than go with a date and have a no fun time. Leave it to me to be really articulate. My dress is so ugly i would be hard pressed to find a date willing to be seen with me in public anyway. I like it and thats all that matters, really.


Audrey Billhymer and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad YEAR.

Welcome to 2005.

Axle's sleeping on my floor. I love him. Noises Off is going to be so funny if we ever get it together. I'm not too worried yet but my lines are nowhere near being there.

"And miles to go before i sleep
and miles to go before i sleep"

New layout and it probably won't last. I wish i didn't procrastinate so much. getting things done would be a nice change of routine.

1. What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before? go to boston
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? i doubt it. i never do
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? no
4. Did anyone close to you die? no
5. What countries did you visit? none
6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004? love
7. What date from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? v-show because keiko and i got back together in a nonlesbian sense.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Anne Frank and i dont really achieve anything else
9. What was your biggest failure? pretty much everything else; calculus
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? no not really
11. What was the best thing you bought? maybe my ipod
12. Whose behavior merited celebration? keiko's
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? mine, others.
14. Where did most of your money go? clothes food and movies.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? boston college and UVA.
16. What song will always remind you of 2004? pretty much the entire Wicked soundtrack
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? right now sadder. i have a hard time encompassing more than a day of feelings
ii. thinner or fatter? fatter or the same
iii. richer or poorer? probably the same
18. What do you wish you'd done more of? my homework
19. What do you wish you'd done less of? lying to myself and everyone
22. Did you fall in love in 2004? no.
23. How many one-night stands? none.
24. What was your favorite TV program? emergency vets
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? no but sometimes i get fed up.
26. What was the best book you read? Fool on the Hill
27. What was your greatest musical discovery? the shins, snow patrol
28. What did you want and get? keiko's friendship
29. what did you want and not get? June the cat
30. What was your favorite film of this year? the notebook and garden state
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? medieval times. 17.
32.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? June the cat
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004? jeans hoodies flip flops or birks
34. What kept you sane? nothing- i'm not.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Jude Law, Ryan Gosling.
36. What political issue stirred you the most? the possibility of john kerry winning
37. Who did you miss? harrison
38. Who was the best new person you met? MY TUNA!!!!! Maureen and Ross. I also knew Dag but we got closer, so that counts.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004: its impossible to tell your mind to stop loving someone if your heart still does.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"No one else will have me like you do. No one else will have me, only you. You'll sit alone forever if you wait for the right time. What are you hoping for? I'm here and now I'm ready. Holding on tight. Dont give away the end- The one thing that stays mine."- Jimmy Eat World

I Want to Save You.

There's a pain in my stomach from another sleepless binge. and i struggle to get myself up again. i want to hang onto something that wont break away or fall apart like the pieces of my heart. globes and maps are all around me now. i want to feel you breathe me in. globes and maps i see surround you here. why won't you believe me? globes and maps they chart your way back home. do you want to leave or something?

I can't take this anymore
Cause I know someday I'll see you walk out that door.

So this is the new year? it doesn't feel any different but i suppose thats normal. Last night i drank 6 diet cokes and like 4 glasses of sparkling grape juice. i ate too much lasagna and way too much chocolate cake. i also ate a lot of chips and too many meatballs in biscuits. Dumplings as tim referred to them. Lauren was my midnight kiss. I wanted to watch garden state but the duds of the party thought 3:30 was too late to start a movie. so instead we turned off the lights and sort of talked until we all stopped talking one at a time. all in all, my DDR pad makes me a pro when i really am not at all.

Top Dogs of my life:
Pepper
Trixie
Froto
Boomer
and of course AXLE!@!!!!!!

I Need You to Save Me Too.

Moments of 2004...

• 2/14 My birthday at midieval times
• 2/20-21 Anne Frank!
• 5/8 Prom
• 6/4 Relay for life followed by the SAT II's
• Summer School and 3rd class with Mr. Iverson. UGH.
• Taking the ACT 3 times
• 7/16-18 Visting BC and BU
• 7/31 Reel Big Fish
• 8/19-22 Visting Virginia and DC
• 9/3 Getting the wisdom teeth out
• 11/2 BUSH!
• 12-4 SAT II's again
• Getting into Colorado Sate and Minnesota
• Getting Dotty/Clackett
• 12/10-12 Model UN. the best.

In 2004...

I lost friends, I found friends, I made friends and I broke friends. I lost and found myself. I found I LOVED US history and absolutely HATE calculus. I met fairweather friends along with some stormy weather. I lost track of the local music scene and found peace in the Eagles. I also developed a hidden love for Ashlee Simpson. I feel closer to self-actualization but farther from a decent GPA. I've felt funny and sad. I've felt lonely and glad. I've felt like rhyming and then sometimes not. I re-established connections and watched as some dissolved. I loved Garden State and hated Saw. Not everything i did this year was completely honest and some of the decisions i made were morally and literally illegal but i don't regret them because they have helped me because the well-adjusted individual i am today. Things have changed and I have changed. If one thing has remained constant in 2004 it has been my nosebleeds. Its been a roller coaster of emotions to say the least. and the overall taste of the year is bittersweet.

audrey

Series One - The usual
.....Name: Audrey
.....Birthdate: February 14th
.....Birthplace: Hoffman Estates
.....Current Location: Schaumburg
.....Eye Color: blue
.....Hair Color: dirty dirty blonde/light brown
.....Righty or Lefty: right
.....Zodiac Sign: this is the dawning of the age of aquarius
.....Innie or Outtie: innie

## Series Two -
.....Your Heritage: German Irish
.....The shoes you wore today: birks
.....Your hair: almost shoulder length!
.....Your fears: not getting into bc. missing out on love.
......Your perfect pizza: canadian bacon and pinapple how do you spell thaT? oh my god.
.....One thing you'd like to achieve: decent grades

## Series Three - What is:
.....Your most overused phrase: har-dee-har-har
....Your thoughts first waking up: "what time is it"
.....The first feature you notice in the opposite sex: Height and eyes
......Your best physical features: um. im bad at that.
......Your bedtime: weeknights usually like 11
.....Your greatest accomplishment: every play i'm in.

## Series Four - You prefer:
.....Pepsi or coke: coke, diet coke.
.....McDonald's or Burger King: burger king. yesyes.
.....Single or group dates: single
......Adidas or Nike: ADIDAS!
.....Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Lipton
.....Chocolate or vanilla: I used to hate chocolate but now im going to go with that.
.....Cappuccino or coffee: cappuccino
.....Boxers or briefs: boxers

## Series Five - Do you.
.....Smoke: not really
.....Cuss: yes
.....Sing well: no but thats not stopping me from trying out for the musical
.....Take a shower: i do.
.....Have a crush(es): yeah
......Who are they: im going to be lame and not say
......Do you think you've been in love: yes
.....Want to go to college: yeah
.....Like high school: sometimes... no no i dont.
.....Type w/ your fingers on the right keys: indeed.
.....Get motion sickness: haha yes i do
.....Think you're attractive: no i don't.
.....Think you're a health freak: no way
.....Get along with your parents: yes
......Like thunderstorms: yeah
.....Play an instrument: no. i can play my heart will go on on clarinet.

## Series Six - In the past month, did/have you:
.....Drank alcohol: yes
.....Smoke(d): yes
.....Done a drug: yes
.....Have Sex: no
.....Made Out: yes
.....Gone on a date: I suppose you could say that
.....Go to the mall?: yeah ugh
.....Eaten an entire box of Oreos: i don't think ive ever done that
.....Eaten sushi: yes. love it.
.....Been on stage: no.
.....Been dumped: no
.....Gone skating: no but i wanted to at model UN
.....Made homemade cookies: yes yes
.....Been in love: hm. well yeah.
.....Gone skinny dipping: haha no that was a one time deal at justins
.....Dyed your hair: no
.....Stolen anything: no

## Series Seven - Have you ever:
.....Played a game that required removal of clothing?: yes
......If so, was it mixed company: yes
.....Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: um.. yes
.....Been called a tease: yes
......Gotten beaten up: by bianca yes
......Changed who you were to fit in: yes

## Series Eight - The future:
.....Age you hope to be married: 27
.....Numbers and Names of Children: 3. Charlotte, Hannah, Jack
....Describe your Dream Wedding: lots of flowers, big, but not stuffy.
....How do you want to die: peacefully
.....Where you want to go to college: boston college. come on now.
......What do you want to be when you grow up: something cool
.....What place would you most like to visit: australia. galapagos islands.

## Series Nine - Opposite sex:
.....Best eye color?: Green or Blue.
.....Best hair color?: doesnt matter really
.....Short or long hair?: meh i dont think it matters
.....Best Height? taller than me. so probably over 6.
.....Best weight: i dont really know
.....Best articles of clothing: oxford shirts
.....Best first date location: downtown
.....Best first kiss location: downtown
.....Turn ons: being funny, being decisive, driving stick shift.
.....Turn offs: being a dick, being indecisive, yelling at me, being embarassed of me.

## Series Ten - Number of:.
....Number of people I could trust with my life: 5
....Number of CDs that I own: who knows. i lose them all.
....Number of piercings: 2 in each ear
....Number of tattoos: none.
....Number of scars on my body: hundreds
....Number of things in my past that I regret: nothing really.

SARDINES!

Today I'm cooking with Gagan and Keeley. For some reason i feel okay today.

Please take it easy, it can't all be my fault
I haven't made half the mistakes that you've listed so far
Baby let me explain something, it's all down to drugs
At least I remember taking them and not a lot else
It seems i've stepped over lines you've drawn again and again
But if the ecstacy's in the wit is definitely out
Doctor Jekyll is wrestling Hyde for my pride



Homework is looking daunting

The Play's the Thing

Finally it has come to be NOISES OFF! Its about god damned time too. i have to have act one memorized by thursday of next week, which is about a week. I am Dotty/Mrs. Clackett, This is very exciting. I'm probably going to do homework tonight. i know i should. ill never finish. boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

FORGET JULY.

I make an effort to not take myself seriously, or at least not take myself too seriously. I try not to be sensitive and i try not to take comments personally that weren't meant to be attacks. And like i do with most things at which i try, i generally end up failing. I could sing sappy love songs forever and never run out of things to say. Tonight it hurt when he said

"you just haven't experienced enough to know this isn't real."

It was about then when i wanted to scream that it was real and that it ate away at me every second of every day and showed no sign of relenting. The fact that i'm only 17 has no bearing on the width of my spectrum of feelings or my capacity to love. TO LOVE. like i won't be able to do that until im 30. since im not its just a crush.

i know i must go on and on about the same topic but does it really matter? Tonight we watched Vanilla Sky. i hadn't seen it before, unless you count the time i watched it with ali and fell asleep after the opening credits. it was good i guess in a weird way. i could write books, encyclopedias if you wanted a real look at redundance, on the way i feel and how i have trouble dealing with that. This year has been tumultuous to say the least. but isnt every year?

Does anyone ever remember anything?
Because i remember everything and i'm starting to wish i didn't.

I CAN'T.

I already bought a prom 2005 magazine. like they say..

you can take the girl out of prom but you cant take prom out of the girl. alas, one of my more shallow vices. Christmas was fine as far as they go. Lots of barnes and noble gift cards. 50 $1 bills. very convienent. I love Lauren Mangiaforte!

I wish keiko could come home today.

Tonight i'm going out to the movies and to dinner with ronny and his family haha. i know. its a little weird. either way, i've still got presents to give. so if you haven't picked yours up, stop on by.

Break is almost over and i haven't started homework yet.
2 macro chapters
the calc project
finish hamlet
study for the genetics test.
weeeeeee

My family is crazy.

Its christmas eve. Just say hello to the ground. I don't feel like i'm falling down. I want to hold you like never before because we're falling and i love you more and more. I am going to the 10:30 service tonight.

Next year I will be able to start over. I'm wondering if Boson College is too far of a reach for me. I took so long to figure out what this book has been about. I'm curious about the rest of my life.

Most Beautiful Place: Hawaii


I'm scared that there's no answer
I'm scared that there's no truth
In this life of mine, there is only time.

Tonight will be
The night that we
Begin to ease
The plugs out of the dam
And we will stand
Knee deep in the flow
The undertow will
Grab our heels and won't let go
And while we hold
Our legs quivering
The water rises now
To our teeth when we just let go

And sail, belly up to the clouds
The rocks scraping our backs
To breathe in the air will be
The only thing that we have

And all the wasted nights
And empty moments in our lives
Flushed away
As we sway with the rhythm
Of the waves
Bobbing us up
Crests fall to troughs
Feel our gills open up

And if the hook sets in
The bottom of our lungs
We'll rip it out and
Lick the blood off with our tongues

Despair
Can ravage you
If you turn your head around
And look down the path
That's led you here
Cause what can you change?
You're a vessel now
Floating down the waterways
You can take your rudder
And aim your ship
Just don't bother
With the things left in your wake

Just sail, belly up to the clouds
The rocks scraping your back
To the breathe in the air will be
The only thing that you have

And your love will be warm nights
With pockets of moonlight
Spotlighting you as you drift,
The actor in this play
And you walk across the stage
Take a bow and hear the applause.
And as the curtain falls,
Just know you did it all
The best that you knew how
And you can hear them cheering now
So let a smile and show your teeth
Cause you know you lived it well.


saves the day

I Starve for You.

We can live like Jack and Sally if we want
Where you can always find me
And we'll have Halloween on Christmas
And in the night we'll wish this never ends


I wish someone would just tell me h.o.w. this all ends? will i ever stop waiting for an absolution that will never come? what is my future?

"i hope that you're happy, you really deserve it"
"this will be best for us both in the end"
"i've been meaning to call you, i've just been so busy"
"we'll catch up soon"
"lets make it a point to"


Honest thought of the day: I just don't think i'll ever get over you.

i hung out with greg tonight and watched napolean dynamite. it was funny. Kip is such a creep.

who's got their claws in you my friend?
into your heart i'll beat again.

i hate when sometimes i get my hopes up about something and its never what its cracked up to be. i hate how ive been thinking about the same person for like... 5 years. is this pathetic? just tell me when to stop and i will try and not succeed.

merry christmas baby
merry christmas baby
merry christmas baby

people just need to stop talking for 5 seconds and think.

Last night I had a dream that we didn't get Noises Off. Would she just call already?! I'm starting to dream about theatre. ahhhhhhhhhhhh!


I DONT WANT TO FINISH THE UVA APPLICATION!!!!!

YOUR NEW AESTHETIC

I'm not mad that we aren't friends anymore. People grow up. Things change. Life happens.

While downstairs watching Starsky and Hutch with my brother...

me: I'm so tired. are you tired?
eric: no
me: oh.
eric: maybe you're not breathing




yeah im sure thats it. thanks buddy.

Queer as Folk is a good show. In a weird homoerotic kind of way. Brian is soooo hot. I wish he wasn't like 30 in real life. I was at keiko's until 5 this morning. I'm hungry right now. I just woke up. I can't brush my teeth because my brother is in the bathroom taking a shower. What will the day bring? I hope something good.


Don't forget to let your life rot you inside out.

When was it that you lost your youth or traded
It for something more for them to use so jaded
Why is it that you never said
'I love you more than just a friend'
I pray this gridlock never ends
And when we get there just depends.
I found out recently that you are leaving
For good I hope I softly tell my ceiling
It's better now to be alive
Sleeping is my 9 to 5
I'm having nightmares all the time
Running out of words that rhyme
Everything that you could never say
Would never matter anyway
I took a hammer and two nails to my eardrums long ago
Before that steak knife took my eyes
I looked up to the sky
For the last thing I would ever see
For the last time I'd cry
When was it that you sold your life or wasted
Every bite of that small slice you never tasted
I guess I should be one to talk
There's nights that I can't even walk
There's days I couldn't give a fuck
And in between is where I'm stuck
From blocks away I heard somebody screaming
That small child inside of you that you left bleeding
You stabbed him up not once but twice
Cubicles will now suffice
Some say it's the roll of the dice
I think they're wrong I know I'm right
Every breath that I could barely breathe
Would barely make it past my teeth
I took a blowtorch to both of my lungs a long, long time ago
And Every step that I could take
Is more difficult to make
Mr. Chainsaw came and took my legs a long, long time ago



Alk3

You're the Secret I Keep.

Last night Wrong Way Peach Fuzz went to Mission. It was way better than I expected and so funny. First we saw Ken, who I hadn't talked to in like 3 years. He remembered Keiko's name and not mine. I felt awesome, especially since I had the biggest crush on him in 6th and 7th grade. We sank to the beat and Charlie came too. Thats when things really got funny. I didn't dance with anyone really, except charlie. Some weird looking guys came up to gagan and it was the funniest thing ever. There were a lot of skanky girls there, some were fat and that was also funny. I was in awe of the way some people can move and bend. haha. I just woke up like 20 minutes ago. I feel like i wasted my day, probably because i did. I need to shower because I feel disgusting. last night i wore sandels that had maybe a 2 inch platform, which wasn't even that bad but i felt like mountain compared to everyone else who could be molehills. Tonight i don't know if im going to really do much. I think i'll wrap christmas presents. I was going to take care of spike until Ryan called and said he didn't need me to. sad audrey.

Last night I felt like Elphaba and Keiko was Galinda once again. In some aspects, I'm okay with that. I do get to have an awesome affair with Fiyero, if i ever find him.

Stop Breathing for Me.


Tonight. or last night rather, was awesome. I hung out with Wrong, Way and Fuzz. I'm peach. is that disgusting or what? the night was totally off the hook.

Oh no! oh no! oh no!

Props to Brian for giving us something to talk about all night. Har-dee-har-har. all in good fun, naturally.

I'm starting to really like coffee. I need to go to bed. Tomorrow is going to be a big day, well not really till the night when the party gets going.

Its the freakin weekend, baby i'm about to have me some fun. Anyone wanna dance? lets go. Its time for the iPod and my down comforter. Poor toilet dog has to sleep somewhere on the floor amongst the laundry baskets, strewn clothing, and suitcase.

Let me remember this night whenever i feel lonely.

In the opinion of this MC, the assembly was a success. Craig mariano was great and la dee da it was probably the only good assembly since Luke. Most rational people would look at the homework i have and start it 2 hours ago. I am not most people and i am certainly not rational. That is why i have not yet looked at my homework and i am going to the basketball game instead. As long as we all know where our priorities lie.

Other interesting things that happened today:

My brothers friends said i was hot. HAHA
I ate mcdonalds with keeley and ronny
I feel like everyone knows where they are going to school except me
I won't know until 117 days from today
Mr Murmann made fun of me again
Brian made me feel bad about myself
yay.
Keiko danced Hottly. yes with 2 t's hot is now an adverb.

now here we go to kick conants ass....

Today was long and tiring. Mike came over to help me study but oh gee he didnt know any of it! har-dee-har-har!!!!


CONGRATS RYAN!!!!!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS, I COULD CARE LESS.

If you only once would let me, only just one time. Then be happy with the consequence, with whatever's going to happen tonight. don't think we're not serious. when's it ever not? the love we make is give and its take. i'm game to play along. all i can say, i shouldn't say. can we take a ride? get out of this place while we still have time?


3 more days till winter break and honestly, i don't know if i'll make it. lol

There was never any place for someone like me to be totally happy.

i didn't go to school today.w ell i did, but then i came home.

I just went through the frost year book from 8th grade. It was pretty amazing.

could these hours add onto our life stories?

I know i'm not in APpsych but i wanted to make a life goals list anyway, just to have. so consider this one of my all too frequent acts of conformity or idea stealing. here they are in no particular order:

1. Read everything Shakespeare ever wrote
2. Get married and have 3 kids
3. Go skydiving... twice.
4. Write a book/play/screenplay
5. Live in a foreign country for a year
6. Go to Australia; travel all over the world
7. Fall in love
8. Buy a cabin on a lake
9. Have unlimited amounts of pets forever
10. Self- Actualization


I plan on changing the world, so who's with me?

Tribute to the Eagles with others in mind.


Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?
You been out riding fences for so long now
Oh, you're a hard one
I know that you got your reasons
These things that are pleasing you
Can hurt you somehow

Don't you draw the queen of diamonds, boy
She'll beat you if she's able
You know the queen of hearts is always your best bet
Now it seems to me, some fine things
Have been laid upon your table
But you only want the ones that you can't get

Desperado, oh, you ain't getting no younger
Your pain and your hunger, they're driving you home
And freedom, oh freedom well, that's just some people talking
Your prison is walking through this world all alone

Don't your feet get cold in the winter time?
The sky won't snow and the sun won't shine
Its hard to tell the night time from the day
Youre loosing all your highs and lows
Ain't it funny how the feeling goes away?

Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?
Come down from your fences, open the gate
It may be raining, but there's a rainbow above you
You better let somebody love you, before it's too late.

PULL ME UNDER YOUR WEATHER PATTERNS
THE SUNSHINE OR THE RAIN DON'T MATTER.

Something about walking downtown with your friends in the winter makes you feel all warm inside even if he won't let you stop and get hot chocolate at one of the 50000 starbucks you pass. this weekend was awesome. I loved it. I can't wait for next weekend. thanks keiko, brian, ross, emily, dag, kevin, and everyone else for making it awesome.

this is my best friend keiko and she's going to BROWN!


CIMUN 2004!!!!!! hahaha what a nerd i am.



Well maybe this time I can follow through
I can feel complete, stop paying dues
Stop the rain from falling
keep my oceans calm
This time I know nothings wrong.

Safe from the world and all their stupid questions
"hey did you get some?"
man that is so dumb.

im feeling too flustered.

im going to see keiko dance tonight at the game.

i feel so stupid.

my whole entry got deleted. i'm pissed!!!!!!!

Keiko, everything i see is FUN!

We didn't start the fire! it was always burning since the world's been turning! we didnt start the fire! no we didn't light it, but we're been trying to fight it!!!

I LOVE MY DOG!

This is my autobiography:

I've got blood on my blue jeans
People think i do coke
right now im sober
but that will be changing eventually

HAHAHAH just kidding. i really dont do coke. there is just something wrong with my nose.

KEIKO EVERYTHING I SEE IS SO FUN.

SHA SHA

Nothing isn't nothing. Nothing's something thats important to me. Thats right. Tonight i went to hobby lobby. i did go. i did buy random pieces of ribbon and fabric. my hair is wet right now and i dont want to blow dry it so its going to be wet 4eva. haahahahahahha HAR-DEE-FUCKING-HAR. Jimmy Eat World just came on iTunes and that made me think of harrison. oh thats funny. speaking of people who i never talk to but said they would always keep in touch, Jeanae was at school today picking up chris for lunch. weird? yes.

I am wasted but I'm ready. Today we took a partner quiz in Calc and tony and i were confused. i also did poorly on the genetics quiz. I'm determined to do better though. Spanish is lame. Health is.. well you know. I need to finish the project for Lit because i havent done that. ha! of course i havent!


WE didn't start the fire! no we didn't light it, we've been trying to fight it! we didnt start the fire! no it was always burning since the world's been turning!

An Ode to Maybe

I'm feeling out of sorts lately. Slightly dejected. Auditions were today. So i guess we'll see tomorrow if i got called back. I broke character in the middle so theres one reason for strock to not cast me. i know she's looking for one. oh well. i realized that not being in a show might be a good thing. who knows. ive never really watched one. Keiko wasn't at school so i was naturally sad. We have to work on our puppets but we don't have any props. i have bags here but no glue or other necessary decorations. Maybei will go to hobby lobby to get them even though i really dont feel like going out again. I wish i could read minds, but alas, it is like a dream deferred.



COME ON SWEET CATASTROPHE!

WICKED!!!!

"You felt sorry for me, well isnt that right?"
"no no its because you are so beautiful"
"oh boq i think youre wonderful and we deserve eachother, dont you see this is our chance. and we deserve eachother."

"Something has changed within me.
Something is not the same.
I'm through of playing by the rules of someone elses game.
Too late for second guessing
too late to go back to sleep
its time to trust my instincts
close my eyes and leap...
its time try defying gravity...
I'm through accepting limits
cause someone says theyre so
some things i cannot change
but till itry ill never know
too long ive been afraid of
losing love i guess i lost
well if thats love, it comes at much too high a cost."



Everyone deserves a chance to FLY!


Tryst tryst tryst tryst tryst tryst tryst tryst tryst tryst

An article for the upcoming edition of the Sextant. Written and Unedited by yours truly.


This time of year is always considered “the season of giving,” but how much of this “giving” really comes from the heart? Every weekend countless organizations stand at the corners of busy intersections walking from car to car in search of donations. The people who do donate don’t give the money because they really want to help and give charity; they donate because they feel guilty. Is this an honorable way to collect donations? Should people donate out of sheer guilty conscience and not the desire to contribute? Maybe we need to start rethinking our motives. During the holidays, so many people spread the gospel of good cheer, but at the same time keep their road rage at an all time high. Woodfield Mall’s parking lot is packed every weekend with noisy obnoxious shoppers who insist on heckling slow drivers, slow walkers, and slow buyers. The lines are long and seething with irritation. It certainly sounds like good cheer. Its time to look beyond Woodfield and get a deeper understanding of what “giving” is really all about.
The holidays are more than just the simple act of buy presents. People always feel compelled to buy gifts for acquaintances not because they are caring, but because they are selfish. Of course a nice gesture could brighten someone’s day, but it could also make the giver feel all warm and tingly inside. Aye, there’s the rub. In giving, people give to themselves the satisfaction of knowing they put that extra effort into getting presents for everyone they know. People see presents as a median of exchange, and in so doing, always expect to receive a gift in return. This thought process affects the way people shop for presents. The ideas of thoughtful and meaningful presents have long since been forgotten. The priorities of today’s shoppers are simple: gifts that are cheap and impersonal. By adhering to these criteria, shopping will be less hectic and certainly more affordable; thus allowing everyone to spend more time doing what America does best: eating and complaining. It seems our glass of eggnog is half empty and maybe we need to work on appreciating for the upcoming secular break for what it really is: a chance to relax and spend time with family and friends.

Words that rhyme with Dave:

Knave
Slave
Brave
Save
Rave
Gave
Pave
Grave
Cave
Wave

safely wanting what we're told to save and hope for.

So today was okay except that i got C on the health test which is both pathetic and funny. maybe just pathetic. no its funny. i need to write an article tonight about the "season of giving" its a little dark but i think its a side that needs to be seen. muahahahahahahaha. my hands are really cold. CHILLY! today i drew a pretty christmas picture for brian. everyone hates my deer but i think they were beautiful.i also need to write my stupid position paper tonight too. yuck, suck.



When i say lets keep in touch, i hope you know it means i wish that you'd grow up.

Tryst Tryst Tryst Tryst Tryst Tryst Tryst Tryst Tryst Tryst Tryst Tryst Tryst Tryst Tryst Tryst


I'm feeling out of luck. I'm feeling out of love. I'm feeling out of touch. I wonder how much I mean some of the things I say. I wonder if other people know. When I listen to Death Cab, I start to think about different things. HA, who am I kidding? I think about the same thing over and over again and how things change or how circumstance determines the ultimate outcome of every situation, even if the circumstance isn't really relavent. I guess some things aren't meant to be. but how do we know? and who makes the rules? I don't know if there is a such thing as love at first sight, but maybe love at first realization would be more appropriate. if that makes any sense at all. "the things i cannot say are all thinking me insane these days."

"When the dance is through, its me and its you. come on would it really be so bad? the things we think might be the same, but i won't fight for more. it's just not me to wear it on my sleeve. count on that for sure."


Tryst Tryst Tryst Tryst Tryst Tryst Tryst Tryst Tryst Tryst Tryst Tryst Tryst Tryst Tryst Tryst

Live and let die.


i owe apologies.


i owe lots of things.

Last night keiko dagmara and i saw closer. it was... i'm still not really sure how i feel about it yet. there was a really funny conversation though...


keiko: I still have that cigar we need to smoke
Audrey: we could do it tonight
Keiko: its too cold out tonight i dont want to sit outside
Dagmara: we could tomorrow night because we're going to be warm then.
All three: HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAH


Breakin' the law, breakin' the law.

Axle got a hair cut and he looks soooooooo pretty! today i took the SAT IIs and the math level 1 was hard for me, of course. i dont know how i did on lit. michelle chu sat next to me. and ryan beck was in the same room too. it was weird. i avoided eye contact with michelle. and she did the same to me. this is the second time in a month that ive seen her. since like... spain. i never know how to act in those situations. hopefully tonight will be fun.

I got this idea from someone's livejournal. i don't know her, but i'm copying this from her. she copied it from someone else so i guess it really doesn't make a difference. I'm going to say something about my friends but no names just numbers. this shouldn't take long.

1. You are the first person I think of and not a day goes by that I don't regret our lost year. you are so lovely and always stick up for me even though i'm "airy." I could go on for hours about youre greatness. "The windmills, audrey."
2. We don't really talk as much as we used to but I think things are just busy right now, eventually we can have our lame conversations about movies again and i can listen to you talk about how you wish you did heroine. haha.
3. I feel priviledged to be someone you confide in, someday i will repay you the honor. I'm always surprised when you call me and even more shocked that i never really scare you away. i guess 5 years of being friends/putting up with me will do that to a person.
4. We recently started hanging out again after like a 3 year break. Its cool. Sometimes i feel like i'm funny around you, most of the time i just feel like an idiot though. Quit smoking.
5. if someone would have said 4 years ago that i wouldn't know you now, i never would have believed it. but alas, i don't know you anymore. I bought you a christmas present, but i'll probably be too scared to send it.
6. You probably know me better than anyone else even though i would usually deny it. for whatever reason, you've hung around since 5th grade. You're smarter than i could ever dream of being and you let me know when i do something stupid.
7. You've made me see the world differently, i'll give you that. Sometimes i think your morbid attitude gets in the way of living your life. you don't have to dissect and analyze everything. Youre too anal retentive to do anything for yourself when i'm around and i'm a sucker about it.
8. You are my chicken of the sea and if LW hadn't happened, things might have been different. I'm glad it did happen. You make me feel cool even though your dog is weird looking.
9. You always know when to pull out The Jolly Mon. We will always have cinderella, and everything else. i know you didn't like me when you first met me, but now i think thats funny because you secretly want to hang out with me all the time. youre never really mad at me... are you?
10. I think we are very much alike and im glad we can lament over Schaumburg Theatre together. youre such a great girl i wish you could see that. you just need to step back and relax a second.
11. We've been friends for a while, but just started talking more this year. I'm glad i'm not the only one who doesnt understand calculus, even though you make fun of me like you know what youre doing.
12. I know you think i hate you. The truth is, i don't. I just need space. I'm sorry.
13. We're on, we're off and i know you hate it and i know you think i only want to be friends when its convenient for me. Its not true and i dont know what else to say except I will call you, bacause youre a bad seed, and i love that.
14. four words- "my heart will go on" har-dee-har-har
15. You probably don't even read this, but you should know that even though you're way up in milwaukee, i still think about you. I know i was an idiot when we were friends, but i think ive changed since then. I'm jealous of your college experience.
16. I know sometimes i scare you because i pretend to come onto you so often. you know i'm kidding. I know you think im an idiot for being conservative, but deep down you love me anyway. youre just a heart breaker.
17. two words- New Jersey. I miss you so much. i've written so many letters and so many cards and i've never sent them. I'd like to think that someday we could be friends again, but we are so different now. I'm stuck in the past.
18. Even if you saw this, you wouldn't realize it was you. I wish you could for once tell me honestly what you feel, because, truth be told, i don't know. you talk to me every few months just to keep me holding on. it works. forever.

"Again last night I had that strange dream
where everything was exactly how it seemed
concerns about the world getting warmer
people thought that they were just being rewarded
for treating others as they'd like to be treated
for obeying stop signs and curing diseases
for mailing letters with the address of the sender.
Now we can swim any day in November."

the postal service

No more lies. The ones we live will work just fine.

I can't pretend to know everything anymore. I've spread myself too thin and now i'm paying. Now i will write another poem...

I take my life too seriously
But you think I'm just funny
and never serious.
But i actually am serious
I just hide it
And its all fun and games
Until its not anymore.
What is my point?
I just love my dog.

Sometimes i try to be a transcendentalist. I'm okay on the half that requires introspection but for some reason i dont feel transcendental when i reflect on myself and my life. I think i just need more cow bell. sometimes i wonder, is anyone really happy? maybe we are all in a weird and awkward moment in our lives but where is the love? today ronny paid for my sandwhich at subway and i didn't even realize he was doing it. I think it will be funny to be ronny's wife. It sort of reminds me of my best friends wedding... maybe not. I wish my whole day could just consist of literature. something that is challenging yet understandable.

someone please define my life for me.

Never is a promise, and you can't afford to lie.

I'm somewhat disappointed in certain aspects of my life. well probably all. but whatever. I'm only complaing to keep myself busy, sweetie. I'm tired of life and blah blah blah you know how it is. i wrote a poem but i'm not going to put it on here. ill write a haiku instead.


The snow on the ground
Lets me know there's something more
Than grades and class rank

okay now another...

I thought I was smart
I'm not. I fail everything
Whatever that means.

one more...

My dog is so great
He doesn't care about grades
That's why he's awesome

last one...

Procrastination
And no justification
Just plain apathy.


fuck my face. fuck my name. they are brief and false advertisements for a soul i don't have. something true i have lacked. and spent my whole life trying to make up for.

i mean ashlee simpson probably didn't get really good grades and she turned out okay... right?



Monologue. if theatre doesn't save me, i'm doomed.

WORDS WORDS WORDS

except my life, except my life, except my liiiiiife







BABY JUST ASK ME