So i'm talking to chris about life in general and the unmentionable topics of which i am constantly searching for guidance and direction. In an ideal world i wouldn't need this guidance, and if i did i would be able to guide myself or rely on fate to take me to my ultimate and only true destiny. Since this isn't anywhere near an ideal world i turn to chris on a regular basis to keep me grounded and to make sure my feelings don't get away from me. and this brings us to the always tumultuous topic of, dare i say it, "love" and its uncertainties and entanglements.

but without these uncertainties life and love would be dull right? maybe. but maybe not. does more structure or familiarity, more consistancy, does that necessarily mean dull? i've never been much for structure, but i think chaos and love go hand-in-hand and sometimes that can be too much.

is asking for things to turnout right this time asking for too much? am i ever going to know who i am really supposed to end up with. i would like to think that i am part of some master plan, something greater than myself. but carter claims thats only because i am in denial of my insignificance in the world and i refuse to take responsibility for my own actions as a person. the reality of the situation is neither carter nor myself will ever REALLY know who is right. and no one will ever be able to prove or prove wrong the idea of fate and destiny.

could the person you fall in love with when youre 13 end up being the person you spend the rest of your life with? does serendipity exist or is it just something people tell themselves to try and feel less alone. i feel like i have a few kinks in my heart that won't ever be completely worked out. just like there are places in my heart that will never be refilled or replaced.

but there are so many things that have to be taken into consideration and i have trouble doing that. but if theres only one thing i can get from any of this its

you cant bury the past with the present.

ive taken that to mean you cant move on until youve gotten rid of the past and accepted it and really wanted to move on. a relative quote from a book recently read, yes billy budd is this

time is a mason

this also to me, means that time is your foundation and you need to have a strong and clean foundation before you can start building anything up from it. so maybe my initial foundation has yet to be swept clean and this is preventing me from making any major leaps and bounds in terms of building the rest of whatever it is that im building. i don't know if i will ever really be sure of anything.