I don't understand calculus at all. I want to drop it. I'm an idiot i guess. I feel pretty terrible.

The first day was exciting i guess. Most of the time it was really funny, especially bio. health sucked. and i was all okay until now when i start thinking about you know what. because i never really stop thinking about it, but sometimes it just gets temporarily pushed to the back of my mind.

and all i want is a burrito
and someone to laugh at my jokes

even if your heart would listen, i doubt i could explain.

if you dont, well honey, then you don't

I remember Jimmy Eat World and i remember everything else. School is starting tomorrow morning. i havent talked to anyone who i have more than one class with. Summer is ending but I'm okay with that. College is getting closer and im just anxious to get those applications out and those letters of rejection in. I'm still looking for safety schools, but i dont really like any schools that i could realistically get into. ahh the irony. I listen to the postal service and the eagles and steve miller band. i like all sorts of music. i love learning. i love knowing that i could accomplish anything i want. i dont like the fact that i havent read brave new world yet. i guess i should go see what i can get done in 2 and a half hours. i love to sink to the beat. and i love to eat and i plan on doing both of those things everyday for the rest of my life!

GO WAHOOS!

Love sometimes,
AUDREY!

I should be reading right now but i just cant bring myself to do it.

"Is there a such thing as an f-5?"
"yeah... there is"
(all look up at the ceiling)

This trip to virginia was the best anyone could have.

"That streetlight isnt even on"
"The bandits probably punched it out"

I fell in love with UVA
On a lovely summer Day
The traffic was bad
but i wasn't mad
That's all there is to say


School starts in 2 days but i dont care because i FINALLY picked out my favorite school. and i FINALLY feel like i actually belong to a campus. and its a BEAUTIFUL one. and i can't wait. and i HOPE HOPE HOPE i get accepted.

One week left. Tomorrow we're leaving for the airport at 5:45. I'd rather be here than anywhere with you. Good Luck at tryouts Steve. Whatever happens, i hope you know you don't really want to quit. Today is looking like another day of ignoring aldous. Peace be with you.

"you're on and off. phase in phase out. cross your heart crash burn and fall. under cushions hide the change. so no one knows. just be careful who you tell. i really want to care when you say: "i'll change that." i just don't feel a thing when you say: "we'll get there...someday"

jimmy eat world




I can no longer make a paper crane. Hope i lost.

Well the only downfall to this layout is my inability to put archives on it because i dont know any html beyond the necessary skills to edit something really easy. Today i need to read Brave New World. I'm tired of the fact that i don't update this. I hate livejournal and im pissed that i chose it over this wonderful thing. either way... i wish the milk would come because i need some cereal. its 12:14 pm and all i've had is a diet coke. sick. i didnt even drink it all. Linda, Courtney and i leave for washington DC at around 7AM on thursday. school starts a week from tomorrow. that is the worst thought to enter my conscious this summer. Isn't anyone taking health this year? no? damn. well I am. I'm pretty bored obviously.

Am i sweetness? Am i sickness?


There is only so much time any sane person is willing to put into a relationship that is obviously stuck and has been stuck for years. Momentary lapses into the past will not suffice and its about time i started taking my own advice. This is not the first time a post like this has come across my blog and is undoubtedly not the last. But for once in my life i feel okay without you. I'm not sure if there is anything else to say.

I'm begining to despise my background on this thing because i think it misrepresents who i am. Not that there is a particular background out there that could represent who i am. I'm just thinking that maybe pieces of candy is not it. i'm not very candy-like. and i'm definitely not sweet and sugary. maybe im more like artificial sweetner. my heart's been deceitful. (okay that was a no doubt quote). Lately i've been watching the olympics and i guess it goes without saying that ive also been falling in love with michael phelps. I don't care if he only wins 1 gold metal, he's won my heart. I wonder if he would care to know that. Living vicariously through michael phelps however, is not enough for my olympian heart and i crave a gold metal of my own. To achieve this would be quite a feat considering i dont play any sports.

My mouth is covered in cancar sores. but over the last week i wanted to be a vet. and i really wanted to. especially when this little hawk flew into the window of the cabin and i sat with it until it came out of its stupor and back to its senses. It was moving, to say the least. my vetrinary desires we, however, fleeting and i gradually drifted back into the reality of my future place in the corporate world. I hate the commentators of the olympics. They are such bastards. today i read 100 pages of 1984 and finished the book. I really feel like some ice cream right now. Today i sent out 3 part one applications. They included Boston College, Rice, and Cornell. How does one go about becoming an olympian. I'm sick of my life, my priorities, my personality, my hair. If i just got a haircut, all of this would change. haha. Today going into the guidance office was a sick experience for me because it brought me back to reality. I'm going to have to see a lot of people who i'm not really looking forward to seeing. This post is getting drawn out and i need to find a new layout so i guess this is it.

I recommend everyone check out "Michael Moore is a Big Fat Stupid White Man." From now on this blog is hosting my political rants and raves of the day. They will of course primarily deal with the fact that michael moore is the most self-absorbed liar in the history of self-absorbed liars.

I think it is important for everyone to know that Fahrenheit 9/11 and Bowling for Columbine would not have been possible without the editing room and its ability to manipulate the truth.

I remain a faithful fan of Charlton Heston.

"We're all a little bit autistic." - Dustin Hoffman

"Television- that's where movies go when they die."- Bob Hope

"Gone with the Wind is going to be the biggest flop in history. I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable falling on his face and not me."- Gary Cooper

So lately i've been looking at AMERICAN UNIVERSITY. i'm visiting it in a couple weeks and i hope to god its not an urban campus.

In other news, i did about 3 weeks worth of laundry today and i'm going to wash the house tomorrow. Its really dirty and gross and will take me over 4 hours to do. I'm also searching for courtney now and awaiting her steadfast return.

"I've got stains on my t-shirt and i'm the biggest flirt. "

I'm also obsessed with ashlee simpson. couldnt have seen that one coming. my ipod needs to charge. i miss jeanae.

Well my opinion of BU and BC ended up changing. what a shocker. so now i love BC and go figure, BU is too urban. The next trip, which is near the end of august, is visiting GWU, American U(even though steve has already placed a claim on it), Georgetown, UVA and College of William and Mary. Maybe ill like some of them. ill probably like georgetown since i liked bc. oh well this a pathetic blog. i update it like once a month. but i love the blogger layout now so maybe that will change.

As far as my life goes, I'm out of deodorant and i dont want to finish cleaning the house and am therefore not going to. I'm on page 12 of 1984 and i haven't started brave new world. my theory for this is if i start and finish them now, by the time school starts i will have forgotten what they are about. so thats that. I'm sort of hungry but i really want to finish harry potter. i need to do laundry very badly.

And because i feel my life is wasting away, i'm going to start playing golf. because i dont do anything. and i should do something. Also, i have health 6th hour, does anyone else? hahahaha ohhhhhhhhhhhh.

I havent updated in a month. i just updated this about 5 seconds ago and it was a really long and profoundly worded post but it was deleted before i got to post it. thank you "internet explorer needs to shut down" message. either way the post was about my trip to boston which begins on thursday night. im going to look at Boston University and Boston College. im favoring BU at the moment just because it seems better, not because i'm secretly following every move lauren makes. She knows i am, ive already confessed. either way, BU just seems more.... alive, for lack of a better word. Hopefully i feel the same way after i've visited them. who knows. today is house cleaning day. how exciting.

what an awful day. so long 3.8, hello 3.2 again. failure is such a wonderful feeling

please keep the crowd under control. this is a matter of life and death and were not prepared. we just want you to know. this is the weight of my conscious. this is an all time low.


I wish i lived in Seattle. I wish i was there now.

This one's for you Steve...

"I can be an asshole of the grandest kind.
I can withhold like it's going out of style.
I can be the moodiest baby.
And you've never met anyone as negative as I am sometimes.

I am the wisest woman you've ever met.
I am the kindest soul with whom you've connected.
I have the bravest heart that you've ever seen.
And you've never met anyone as positive as I am sometimes.

You see everything, you see every part.
You see all my light, and you love my dark.
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed.
There's not anything to which you can't relate.
And you're still here.

I blame everyone else, not my own partaking.
My passive-aggressiveness can be devastating.
I'm the most gorgeous woman that you've ever known.
And you've never met anyone as everything as I am sometimes.

You see everything, you see every part.
You see all my light and you love my dark.
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed.
There's not anything to which you can't relate.
And you're still here.

What I resist, persists and speaks louder than I know.
What I resist, you love, no matter how low or high I go.

You see everything, you see every part.
You see all my light and you love my dark.
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed.
There's not anything to which you can't relate.
And you're still here."

The words they use so lightly, i only feel for you... and i would never lie to you no...

and you think your life is horrible? it must be so perfect, having everything.

my mood was getting better. now its not better. now its worse.

i'm way in the background. is anyone ever really happy?

The lunatic is on the grass.

and perfect is and illusion and life you save will never be your own.

I don't need to fight
To prove I'm right
I don't need to be forgiven

Prom was fun. Stephen was nice. Tracy's birthday is wednesday and she's my very good friend. its 83 degrees in my room and i'm not going to school tomorrow. Pink Floyd is depressing.

and as joy division accurately summed up: Love WILL tear us apart.

call me crazy. i' m just somewhat lost. i cant wait to get out of my life.

Prom was fun. i love melissa berena. now im just lamenting and listening to pink floyd. today as an after prom activity steve and i went to wendys and then returned his tux. our group wasnt really friends with us so we felt awkward hanging out with them today. my room is really hot.



"We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl year after year. Running over the same old ground. What have we found? The same old fears. Wish you were here."

I love Joshua Lawrence Chamberlain.

the rest of the civil war was boring but, what a heart throb. and the battle of gettysburg was intense. Killer Angels was a good book. Now onward- to the progressives!!!!!

Horace Mann being my second favorite after Lucretia Mott.

Pop Quiz: do any of the current "Riot Grrrlz" know what the Seneca Falls conference was and who was involved? I bet you don't.

I cant take it anymore. i hate andrew jackson. lauren tragically informed me yesterday that she is... yes... a democrat. say it ain't so. oh well. i think i'm going to go buy erin mcnamee's book on amazon.com now.

biggest annoyance of the week: anarchy, and all those favoring an anti-government

Okay time to study those lame first 25 presidents

I don't update very often. i'm not sure why not because i like this better than livejournal. from what i've gathered so far, live journals become obnoxious and it seems like people feel compelled to write about worthless details regarding their daily routines that just seem monotonous and boring. i'd rather not really be a part of that. of course i'll still write in livejournal, but there just wont be any real value in what i say. that is not to say that what i write in this is valuble or anything. but i feel more comfortable knowing only my friends have this link, and even they don't often access it. right now i am thinking of colleges i want to go to and i have a recently updated top 5.

1. Rice
2. Cornell
3. UVA
4. Georgetown
5. Wesleyan

Now i'm going to go study some more for the US final and AP test. i guess this is life. oh axle.

i miss keiko.

what a terrible night. i hate everything, school included. i can't do this anymore. i still have at least 4 hours of homework. no one reads this so its nice to update it. my mom destroyed my prom dress. and i dont want to go to that stupid dance anyway where im in a group with my ex-bestfriend who hates me and doesnt want me to be in their group and she doesn't want to be friends with me anymore ever.

and i have this stupid tiki thing that i bought carter in texas and i havent given it to him and thats just really sad because i havent seen him. whatever.

my ACT scores aren't good enough for my parents, and odds are i won't improve them next time. my grades are shit and they were relying on this test to get me into a good school. well so long any hopes of that happening. and im sorry. im sorry im not as smart as they thought. and what a great night for a breakdown when i have so much left to do. breakdown, what a stupid word.

oh what a fucking sob story.

I am no Calliope. I am no Aurora. I am no Ragnorak.

I am a fool, but i am not The Fool.

and forever may i wander seeking answers to unanswerable questions, all the while searching for my bohemia.

i realized this last year. your turn.


i think when it comes down to it. the only thing that really matters in life is love. and well if you can't deal with that then youre fucked. after everything else goes away. after everything else gets old. after there's nothing left to buy, or see, or accomplish, there is always something left to feel. love isn't a competition. there are no winners and losers. Its not about how long you date a certain guy, and its not about knowing everything about the other person. Its not about anything except love. There are no limitations on love either. you don't have to be 18 or 21 or 35 to understand it. there are no borders being drawn with emotions. you feel them and you are capable of feeling them at any age. saying it is impossible to be in love in high school is a statement made out of complete ignorance. love is a feeling. but it not always synonymous with pain or loss or longing. getting dumped and feeling upset about it doesn't mean you were in love. although it is often mistaken for it. the amount of time you know someone has no effect on the amount of love you may have for them. although it grows over time, it doesn't have to start small. there is no need to fight about it. there is no need to be protective or paranoid. all the worrying is a waste of energy.

i miss my pretty baby princess of the north and i hope i can see him soon. sunday. i also miss my other baby, courtney. ohhhhhhhhhhhhh dreadful. i miss everyone. hmm i can't really think of anything else.


with love from texas
audrey

and here is my first post on this blog ever. its from Tuesday, December 10th, 2002. i'm old school with this now.

Well it's december 10th and i'm starting this off by making the assumption that if you're reading this you know me. So today i without a doubt failed the chemistry test. i got about 3 bloody noses. i'm going to start keeping a record. Student council tomorrow. Charlie wants me to do jump training with him but i doubt i could last a day. Court and i said we were going to start working out. i hope that starts soon i'm quickly becoming a fatass. I just realized in 6 days it will be a year since i started going out with greg. time flies when you're not having any fun. right now i'm listening to jimmy eat world. lately i've been listening to the used, glasseater, and some indie like cursive and brighteyes. i just made up this song the other day. i think it will end up being about friends, and maybe how the ones from other schools suck.

there's something unsettling about this outline for Catcher in the Rye. i guess i'll go to bed and then wake up in the morning and do this outline. finish it. i wonder what prompts people to be mean. i would also like to know how many hours of my life ive spent within a 15 foot radius of courtney. id like to rant about straightedge but i find myself lacking energy and motive. i am looking forward to leaving this godforsaken town that is woodfield. woodfield, the shopping mecca. I wonder when i get to have my "fall" from innocence or if i already had it.

ps. to myself since im the only one who reads this- lauren's theory of the fact that she's supposed to have been born 90 years ago- i have an argument for that. you know those stupid patches that say "nebraska is for lovers" or whatever? well id like to own one that says "chicago is for fatalists" just because it seems right.

searching my name on google to find some wild and crazy pictures has no point because the only pictures that come up, besides porn, are:

1. Audrey Hepburn
2. Audrey Tautou
3. Audrey II

i take these as a prophesy and odds are 2:1 that i'll be a famous actress with a lot of beauty ha. awkward wording. thanks ms maddox. but i guess there is always that chance that i'll be a killer plant. either way, i've decided i like my name. so there we go.

ii didn't go to school today because i had too much homework. now i'm starting to feel sick. so i dont get those dresses that like come down just above the crack of your ass because what if you sit down or something? or what if your crack starts higher than everyone elses and you order this dress out of the magazine only to find that your crack shows the whole time? i dont get it. are open backs really that sexy? wow i don't think ive said "sexy" in about 5 years. my mom says i swear too much. i wish i lived in england so i could say things like "sod off" or "piss off" and not look like a loser. i cant think of anythkng else right now. i should get back to work. or what do i mean back to? ha. i shoudl start something. anything. im hungry.

you'll rescue me right? in the exact same way they never did..
I'll be happy right? when your healing powers kick in

you'll complete me right? then my life can finally begin
I'll be worthy right? only when you realize the gem I am?

but this won't work now the way it once did
and I won't keep it up even though I would love to
once I know who I'm not then I'll know who I am
but I know I won't keep on playing the victim

these precious illusions in my head did not let me down
when I was defenseless
and parting with them is like parting with invisible best friends

Despair could ravage you if you turn your head around to look down the path that's lead you here, cause what can you change?
You're a vessel now floating down the waterways.
You can take your rudder and aim your ship, just don't bother with the things left in your wake.
Just sail belly up to the clouds, the rocks scraping your back.
To breathe in the air will be the only thing that you have
and your love will be warm nights with pockets of moonlight
spotlighting you as you drift, the actor in this play.
You walk across the stage, take a bow, hear the applause,
and as the curtain falls, just know you did it all
the best that you knew how and you can hear them cheering now.
So let a smile out and show your teeth cause you know you lived it well.

I though of that old joke, y'know, the, this, this guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, uh, my brother's crazy. He thinks he's a chicken." And, uh, the doctor says, "Well, why don't you turn him in?" And the guy says, "I would, but I need the eggs." Well, I guess that's pretty much how I feel about relationships. Y'know, they're totally irrational and crazy and absurd and, but, uh, I guess we keep going through it because, uh, most of us need the eggs.


annie hall

You'll never see the courage I know
Its colors' richness won't appear within your view
I'll never glow - the way that you glow
Your presence dominates the judgements made on you

But as the scenery grows, I see in different lights
The shades and shadows undulate in my perception
My feelings swell and stretch; I see from greater heights
I understand what I am still too proud to mention - to you

You'll say you understand, but You don't understand
You'll say you'd never give up seeing eye to eye
But never is a promise, and you can't afford to lie

You'll never touch - these things that I hold
The skin of my emotions lies beneath my own
You'll never feel the heat of this soul
My fever burns me deeper than I've ever shown - to you

You'll say, Don't fear your dreams, it's easier than it seems
You'll say you'd never let me fall from hopes so high
But never is a promise and you can't afford to lie

You'll never live this life that I live
I'll never live the life that wakes me in the night
You'll never hear the message I give
You'll say it looks as though I might give up this fight

But as the scenery grows, I see in different lights
The shades and shadows undulate in my perception
My feelings swell and stretch, I see from greater heights
I realize what I am now too smart to mention - to you

You'll say you understand, you'll never understand
I'll say I'll never wake up knowing how or why
I don't know what to believe in, you don't know who I am
You'll say I need appeasing when I start to cry
But never is a promise and I'll never need a lie

I would swim to sea and make you all believe that i dont belong in the suburbs, its been so long since the sun burned.

--i've lived here all this time and my whole life has been a useless whine when all i ever wanted was a way out, and this boredom knows me well. i'm sure you'll never tell.--

I Miss Chris Brady.

okay well i'm updating this because i accidentally deleted my whole post on the lame ass livejournal so whateva. the play was saweet. it went over well surprisingly. i was being unusually affectionate towards steve at village tavern and disregarding my concern for p.d.a. but whateva. my brother is listening to nelly and trying to sing it. ohhh eric. anyway last night carter and the usual suspects came to the play including leo and laura which was nice because i dont se ethem enough lol. i love those two. jim shedd came too which was, of course, nice. at dinner sarah asked susan how long she's been insane, meaning how long has she been going out with mike. i thought it was really funny. maybe im the only one.

now i'm going to start going to the mall again
and going to shows again
because i'm just like everyone else
except much more hardcore, obviously
now eric is listening to black eyed peas, which is terrible. ohh. where the britney?

time for us and english. yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

ohhh and eric just called a couple of his "magic cards" ghetto. ohhhh. haha

Tonight was bad. all nights are bad, for the most part. Play practice went to hell in a handbasket and strock said we had no reason to be emotionally drained because we didn't do anything all night. i got home about 10 minutes. dinner was gross. lindsay was sad. Now i'm only wearing one contact because the other one fell out in the car.

my hair was crimped today just like my soul. jeff jet needs to learn his lines soon because we're sort of running out of time... kind of.

i have to finish grapes of wrath tonight which should be a good time. i only have like 100 pages to read. great. i ALSO have to start catcher in the rye again since we have preliminary outlines due on monday. great. i scheduled today and i sort of just took a little bit of everything since i didnt really know what i wanted to take at all. i dont know what i want to be when i grow up. this puts me at a disadvantage because i dont know what i want to take. everyone wants to be something. and i dont know.

i'm going to fall asleep with strocks lovely "constructive" critisism ringing in my ears. Tomorrow i'm for sure going off with kevin and charlie and melissa since they are going to melissas house and its going to be a sweet time. okay well eric needs help downloading or burning or something. this is done.

Kissing the war goodbye,
audrey

I'm listening to the postal service and fading into a techno-depressive mode. I'm in the mood for death cab but its in the car and I don't want to go get it. 5 days until the play. I'm nervous.
I am a visitor here. I am not permanent.

I need to cry a lot in the play and thinking about one phrase can get me really sad. But I feel like its sad beyond crying. I usually just cry when I get really frustrated which luckily, with this role, happens often. Anyway the phrase is "now I am finally seeing that I was the one worth leaving" does that sound sad? Maybe it has to be in context.

I'm looking at my freshman letter from soccer. Something that probably can get me worked up faster than Harrison. That line probably pissed Steve off though it shouldn't have. I'm sad now. Sometimes I think I could be a motivational speaker as a job. But I just don't know what I would motivate people to do. I mean I haven't gone through rehab or had a teen pregnancy or done anything that can really relate to anyone, but sometimes I feel like maybe that's what people need to hear. Yeah I live in an average size house and I have an average size family and I guess im pretty much the norm. But am I? Maybe I'm not and maybe no one really is and that's the beauty of it. Still, its not beauty to me, just unnecessary controversy.

but everything looks perfect from far away...

no one really comments on my livejournal so i'll do this today. i like it better anyway. we got out of practice early which was great because i have so much homework and i have to take 2 tests tomorrow including lazarillo de tormes and Math. the math should take me from about 7-8:20 so its a good thing i have first off. i'm sick of lifegaurding and i want it to be over. Not scheduling until next week is a drag. steve missed it since he wasnt at school so i hope he still takes my advice and goes with gov.econ instead of survey. well nothign really exciting happening except i feel like shit and my throat hurts badly. too much homework to really think about anything else. i guess i should probably go do that. saturday is turnabout and wow did that sneak up. this means that its almost april which means its almost time for the spring pep and promote assembly. any ideas for themes? we can do it.

Even though i took a shower today i still feel gross. sweaty. I'm missing play practice today and on Monday from 7-12 jamie strock will eat my heart. i hope she likes it. i feel bad emotionally and phsyically. since "bad" is such a descriptive word i know everyone will know where i'm coming from. i want a Canon Supershot S500 for my birthday. its a digital camera. and its all i asked for. yes i have been dragged into this digital camera fiasco kicking and screaming but now that i'm here i might as well have top of the line gear, right? i just said "gear" like i'm going backpacking in the boundary waters or something. well. same idea. I figured i can do my months a little easier with a digi camera than with thousands of disposables.


this was not supposed to be long.
suck.
i had valentines for everyone today and now i'm sad because i cant give them out.
and i missed the lazarillo test. hes sucha fuckass.
and math. who knows when ill take and fail that.

And i wanted to have something to say. something that would hit people somewhat to the effect of being blind sighted by semi at 3 in the morning while driving a geo metro. i wanted people to turn around and listen to me, but more importantly to feel i was saying something important. for a long time the only thing that made sense to write about was the dreary drabbness or the monotonous routine that i was forced to succumb to every day of my prepubecent life. It seemed to me, that the only important issue concerning nearly everyone i could possibly think of, was the idea of bullying and that it is, in all honesty, real. This topic has been covered by authors the world over and because i knew i did not have the ability to top their already beautifully garnished salad of peer brutality stories, i was left to wander from topic to topic as though i had some certainty of where i was going to end up. Ending sentences with prepositions, like the former, is no way to get from point A to point ANYWHERE in the game of writing. so i fail miserably from the begining and before my epic has even taken flight, it has crashed and there are no survivors. It serves me right for attempting a novel this way as i have no creative ideas of my own but i have vowed to follow lauren and do as she does in every aspect of life. Should she, however, decide to go to U of I, i will not keep in step, because although the humble school is highly esteemed by college guides the world over, i have other plans regarding my future and U of I is not anywhere to be seen. Though i don't know exactly what i want to do with my life, i know damn well i won't find it at U of I. I feel it is hard to dicern between the bitter, cynical, grammatically incorrect whining and the real flow an author can make by using the over-used technique of stream of consciousness. I am no faulkner/falkner, nor do i claim to be, but to be blunt: Falkner/faulkner is a bore and his use of long-winded sentences and complex word choices leave the author only pondering the question of these intimidating phrases only resulting from his overcompensating for his height, or lack there of. Be that as it may, i am in no position to go on anylonger about nothing and if i'm going to write a novel i want the focus to be somewhat visible from the start and hopefully slightly moreso towards the end. As for this ballyhoo that i have just taken far too long to write, i will perhaps add it as the preface, or maybe an irrelevant epilogue to throw the reader, whoever he may be, through loopholes of misunderstanding and misconception. it is my exact intention to lose the prospective reader in a giant jumble of characters and places and ideas because that is exactly how i see that world, and giving anything other than my own unique perception would take away the whole point: originality. I have often wondered the definition of this word and its ability to seemingly pretain to everyone. I have yet to meet someone who believes he lacks originality. Everyone is so god damned special. Everyone is a walrus. Well, maybe its true, maybe everyone really is completely different from everyone else, but thats not going to stop my unnecessarily harsh judgments from being made and its sure as hell not going to stop everyone elses. I only know one being who stands out from the rest of the world, and that is my dog. No one has ever been so excited to see me every single time i walk in the door. They weren't lying when they said "man's best friend." I have met a lot of liars, a lot of frauds, a lot of could-have-beens, a lot of perfectionists, a lot of antagonists, a lot of conformists, a lot of cowards BUT i have NOT met a lot of thinkers. That is where the intelligence lies my friends, and one can only go so long feigning the ability to think before he is discovered and his stupidity is brought to light. I have met these people who believe themselves to be smarter than the rest but when it comes down to it, they really arent. to put it plainly, society thinks its smarter than it is. We think we are better than thoreau because we have no desire to live alone with nature and no desire to understand life. We think sticking our noses up at the classics makes us look "spirited" and "rebelious" but really it just makes us look like jackasses. and by US i mean you.

"I'm sort of an atheist. I like Jesus and all, but I don't care too much for most of the other stuff in the Bible. Take the Disciples, for instance. They annoyed the hell out of me, if you want to know the truth. They were all right after Jesus was dead and all, but while He was alive, they were about as much use to Him as a hole in the head. All they did was keep letting Him down. I like almost anybody in the Bible better than the Disciples. If you want to know the truth, the guy I like best in the Bible, next to Jesus, was that lunatic and all, that lived in the tombs and kept cutting himself with stones. I like him ten times as much as the Disciples, that poor bastard."
-catcher in the rye

nothing really makes sense anymore. life, school, the play. things i used to enjoy are now just rehearsed routine and they no longer have my attention. i'm just going through the motions. and what i wonder is, when am i going to stop going through the motions? winter is a depressing season. and my birthday is in 6 days. i'll be 17 and it will be the same as 16 only now i can get into R rated movies. i dont know if i coudl before because i only tried it once and it worked but iw as too scared to try after that. and ya know. fuck this shit. im begining to question whether or not i really want to be rich when i grow up. college is a scary word.,

"Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you'll start missing everybody."

the catcher in the rye

"Never meddle with play actors, for they're a favored race."

"Actors are the only honest hypocrites."

"To go into acting is like asking for admission to an insane asylum. Anyone may apply, but only the certifiably insane are admitted"

Good one steve, with the present. lol. superbowl sunday and i'm reading grapes of wrath and doing apus. it is chapter 23 thats due tomorrow right? it doesn't matter. i don't think i;ll ever finish grapes of wrath. not like i read it a lot but it just seems too long.

now i'm sick of eric's megaphone. note to self- don't by children a megaphone. ever. time to get down and dirty with the progressive era again. i'm kicking ass on the chapter quiz tomorrow. boo yeah.

axle is barking. ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh pupppy. so much for thoughtful posts

much ado about nothing.

My family doesn't know me and i guess saying i don't care would be lying. Seeing the close relationships that some people have with their parents is just bewildering to say the least, and it makes me more jealous than ever. i can't imagine having a conversation with my mom for the hell of it. just to talk. right. what does that mean? i don't even know what i would say if she instigated a normal conversation. my parents aren't the type to talk for the sake of talking. i'm pretty sure i am. For the last 16 years i have tried, to no avail, to develop a relationship that has at least a minimal amount of depth to it. where did i come from? i'd like to know because i'm nothing like shy and passive mother and i'm not short tempered and permanently angry like my father. posing as a combination of the two would be somewhat of a stretch in my opinion. I feel like in their eyes, Eric and I are more like long term investments and less like their children. this entire post was completely pointless.

i went shopping with lauren today for her turnabout dress and we found a really pretty one at jessica mcclintock, very classic. i hate mine more everyday. i'm asking steve next week. so much for suspense. ha. i found my ideal prom dress.... ill put a link... i might get it, but i'm not really sure about length. i have yet to find the advantages of being tall.

http://www.cbslimited.com/detail.php?vendor=prom_tiffany_designs&style=6459

well there it is hopefully its a working link and everything. oh well. black white. i'm in a really depressed mood so i'll just read grapes of wrath. what a self-esteem booster.

unsettled, severing always severing old ties.
one last good-bye may last the rest of your life.
one way trip can work both ways and loose ends kept untied
make better friends.
the things you buy may someday leave you.
can you say full ride?
i can still see you around.


From a somewhat frequent routine to an awkward silence that's lasted over a year i can say i don't know you and probably be more than accurate. i can also say i know you best and be more than accurate despite my sweeping generalizations. is there a reason i don't call? is there a reason you don't? we get caught up in everything so fast that by the time we realize our errors our bullheaded nature has taken control and the loss of dignity is too great a risk to take. when open-ended questions aren't questions at all, when the idea of our friendship has been burried too deeply to be uprooted, and when we graduate high school and never talk again, then will it be time to put our pride to the side and pick up the pieces? I'm not sure who you are, but i know who you were, and if new jersey makes you sad, i think you should know it makes me sad too.

Today wasn't so bad. i didn't have any homework. i decided in the car that i am definitely a republican. i was bitching about people on welfare who don't get off their asses and get jobs. either way i want to be Blondie. that is my life's ambition. my mom has this really old dress that she bought in a resale store in san fransisco when she was like 25 and i might be able to use it for Mrs. Frank. i got a jean skirt tonight. its short and i'm certainly not used to short skirts but i think it could be cool. my ear is getting re-infected so i have to start doing the medicine again. nothing really going on in life right now. i should read some grapes of wrath tonight. so far i like it. we read a few chapters of A Farewell to Arms and it was so good. i wasnt sure i would like Hemingway but i love him.

<3 Literature <3

ah ah ah ah ah ahh ahhh. youre gonna say you miss me, youre gonna say you kiss me, youre gonna say you love me cause i'm gonna love you too. i dont care what you told me, youre gonna say youd hold me, and youre gonna say you love me, cause i'm gonna love you too.

Poet's problem, patron's sin, puts me in the place I'm in.
Passion's letter, poison pen, on these two things I can depend.
You will write your number, that's not all.
I will not be there when you call.
I think I'll do a line and then again...
Dirty dealer's school of thought.
An armchair for the strength you've lost.
The TV set's been on all night.
You were wrong and I was right.
You will write your number on the wall.
I will not be there when you call.
I think I'll do a line and then again...

so i just got steve a cool template for his fresh new blog check it out

www.alotbiggerinmyday.blogspot.com

today was play practice and i got all my cues so i'm good. i found out i got a B on the apus final which is AMAZING to say the least and a B on the english final which is somewhat disappointing but i still kept an A in the class.

tonight im just going to do some homework and read the grapes of wrath if i can find it. which might not be as easy as i had hoped.

now i'm listening to the cure- pictures of you. its good, GOOOOOOOD.

i find myself drifting away from who i was before and turning into someone i had never anticipated becoming. my goth roots are fading into pastels and i love my dog more than anything else.

"It's getting hard to be someone but it all works out, it doesn't matter much to me."

This one's for lauren:

Social darwinism isn't an accurate way to percieve the human race. when he came up with it he KNEW it was in no way applicable to human nature. he knew this because he knew people like LAUREN MANGIAFORTE would try to use his science to prove their insignificance, blasphemy i say. i for one say that lauren mangiaforte is in no way less significant because of her relationship status. nore is anyone. no one should be labeled "weak" in the social darwinism theory for his/her heart's untamable desires. relationships in highschool are like Stanford; OVERRATED. sure sure go on dates have fun whatever but please, long term relationships in highschool are like old navy flip flops, easy to get comfortable with, but after a while your feet start to get dirty but you can't stop wearing them because you don't know what life was like before you had them.

call me a hypocrite, i don't care, in fact, i'll give you the list of reasons why i am a hypocrite:
1. Greg Piotrowski
2. Harrison Wenger
3. Carter Schultz
4. Steve Newby

yes yes so i guess i had "long term" relationships with these people if you consider 3 months long term. either way i learned from them all and i made the rule to not have long relationships with anyone else after i broke up with each of them. so much for listening to my own rules. or any rules for that matter. "anarchy in the U.K." (i thought that was a lot funnier than it actually was because courtney didnt laugh at all)

Anyway, the fact of the matter is, lauren mangiaforte, that the entire world is a conspiracy and you ARE the goat around you and we are ALL against you. ME worst of all. no but seriously, dont stress about boys, you know youre better than that. lets just leave that to the much less creative type, because i'm sure you and i could both come up with something much more original to bitch about rather than the opposite sex. because petronella, you are B-E-A-UTIFUL! and soon enough everyone will understand. high school is lame ass anyway.

Its almost 11 and i have three finals tomorrow that i'm not looking forward to. I'm scared about school and about not getting into a good college and about letting my parents, and myself down. I've been analyzing myself lately, inbetween the fights with psychology notes and the unending hyperbolas and functions and ive started to notice change. change in myself, change in the way i feel, change in my outlook on life.

going into freshman year i was bleeding insecurities and trying to bandage them with green day patches. it failed miserably because even if my peers couldn't see through my careless front, i could, and it bothered me. Freshman year was hard for a lot of reasons, most of them not academic at all. It was the first year that i realized i couldnt manipulate the system anymore. teachers wouldn't bend the rules and i couldn't have the separate grading scale that i always had. There was more structure and less discussion. More reviewing and less learning. It was as though in the few months between 8th grade and 9th a new idea of appropriate behavior had developed in everyone but me, and my free-spirited attitude towards school needed to be broken. I was lagging behind socially because of intentionally blown first impressions and it seemed like it couldn't really get much worse until i was dropped from english. Average english taught me a lot of things including the fact that i, despite my unending list of insecurities and social inadequicies, am vain. It doesnt really matter now because im back in 308 but my superiority complex that had developed during first semester of freshman year had its downsides in 102 english. i got reprimanded for everything and was constantly fighting with all my teachers. High school just didnt seem to be looking up. i hadn't really met anyone new and i felt sort of stuck. After a big failing relationship, i realized what a psycho i was. i suppose i still am but i might just hide it better. i build walls now. a defense mechanism that is probably just as harmful as consistent paranoia and distrust. freshman year ended on a rather low note and nothing was really coming together the way i imagined it to

sophomore year wasn't much different. Gifted helped me to come into my own along with the winter play. i had found my niche, or so i thought. i have questioned it many times since then but that winter there was nothing that could have been more pleasing. sophomore year led to one much more sucessful relationship and more learning about me, which i wouldn't trade for anything.... well, almost anything. The trials and tribulations were in no way few and far between despite the more optimistic attitude i claimed to possess. Classes were boring and some were hard. or maybe i just didn't pay enough attention. whatever the reason may have been, school wasn't on my side, and still isnt. I was starting to realize that i wasn't as alone as i had once thought and that even though i had a bout with bad luck my first year, the teachers were starting to understand me. and even, dare i say, like me? whatever the case may be, i started to get along with most of my teachers, which was strange but also quite relieving. I was done trying to be a rebel and i focused primarily on figuring out how to get happy. this task was much more daunting and time consuming than i had originally anticipated, but i sought after the "answers" none-the-less. I didn't find them. but i did find out that I'm not good at geometry or chemistry, but getting an A paper back from Ms. Witham made me feel like i had actually done something worthwhile. My gifted project was similar. Even though the "point" of the project was complete bullshit that i had made up, the fact that i created what i did was just really cooll because i had never done it. The year ended on a mediocre note and while other people were deciding their future careers, i was still trying to figure out the "answers" to my complex questions that ultimately, had no answer. Happiness.

Junior year has been stressful to say the least. Sciences aren't for me and i wish i didn't have to take them. College, i'm realizing slowly, is actually a reality and not just some fictional resolution like at the end of a rainbow. Not that i would go so far as to compare high school to a rainbow because in the opinion of this author, the institution couldn't hold a candle to a rainbow or any form of natural beauty. Through this search for "the" right college, i managed to dig up another question from the past, and it was "should i have gone to wayland?" Wayland Academy, for those of you who don't know is a private boarding school in wisconsin that i was seriously considering transfering to after my tumultuous freshman year. My dad had been pushing it but i decided against it because of what other reason than, yes, "friends." I think the college decision would be much easier to make if i were at a boarding school, but the people i've met in the last few years have changed my life and i wouldnt trade that. But would i have met the same types of people at wayland who would have impacted me in the same or similar ways? i guess we will never know. College stresses me out along with my grades and the finals i have to take tomorrow because i'm unsure of myself and more unsure of my intelligence and things like finals are what i base everything off of. Its wrong i know, but its hard to change. My parents have been focused on one thing in my life regarding school "tests, tests, tests." Hence the overjoyed excitement when i, their precious daughter, pride and joy, had gotten into gifted. i guess it sort of boosted their morale and they thought that even if i was a little mentally unhinged, at least they could show of my intellect. boo to them for this because it only made things harder for me. B's were no longer acceptable for them or me. Nothing was ever good enough and my perfectionist attitude thrived on their brief moments of happiness. Am i a perfectionist now? i don't have the answer because i know i do procrastinate don't get me wrong, but i guess i do need to everything well. its not as bad as it was. or maybe it never was bad. i couldnt really say because there hasn't been enough time for me to actually reflect on that aspect of my life. I can, however, comment on the happiness question that ive tried so hard to answer. the only answer i've had and probably will have for quite a long time is no i'm not happy. i don't know how to change it and i don't know what else there is to say but my contact fell out so thjis is it.

So now i'm listening to sappy love songs and feeling pretty sappy and you know what? i don't feel bad about it. So what if I can relate to Adam Ant and not metallica? Who cares if lauren likes Frank Sinatra and not New Found Glory? NFG couldn't hold a candle to frank if they tried. These beyond sappy love songs are what manage to fill in the cracks of my mangled personality and keep me above this overly morbid reality known as high school. so while the rest of the school is caught up in their dramatic "depressive" episodes, i'll stay blinded to their attention starved antics, yes i'll be blinded by the light.

So now I try to keep up, I have been exchanging my currency. While a million objects pass through my periphery. Now I am rubbing my eyes because they are starting to bother me. I have been staring too long at the screen. But where was it when I first heard the sweet sound of humilty? It came to my ears in the goddamn loveliest melody. How grateful I was then to be part of the mystery, to love and to be loved. Let's just hope that is enough.



<3 lauren mangiaforte <3

gloryfades72: it does indeed. today since i didnt go to school i missed every club picture for the yearbook
gloryfades72: which of course is depressing because my sole purpose in high school is to do as many extracirricular activities as it takes for people to see me as a well balanced adolescent who know's where she's going in life

Auto response from GoHangGoneHung: ap euro

gloryfades72: and odds are slim to none that no one will ever seem me as such so why try right? good question. apparently it was the question of the day since i knowingly avoided or accidentally missed, this pictures. not only that but i missed the only class that i truly have passion for which is english. some might say that this passion will result in me being an english teacher but iw ould like to think otherwise. because though i respect all in the given field, only one exception, i can't see myself teaching anyone anything because i don't have the patience, or the right mindset. i am what i hate. which is, "i understand it, i dont get how you don't" probably not the best mentality for teachers so i figure i'll just keep my distance unless i suddenly develop an overwhelming sense of compassion and desire to help others achieve what i so willingly have strived to protect and save, the only real thing in life, the only thing that seperates us from our animal counterparts, our words!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
gloryfades72: but since i don't see this tidal wave of compassion coming anytime soon i might just drift aimlessly towards the idea of journalism
gloryfades72: which could be pretty cool
gloryfades72: so youre probably thinking wow audrey youre a 16 year old psycho who will never take life or herself seriously yet at the same time you take everything way TOO seriously. is this possible? maybe youre not thinking that at all or really thinking anything because i don't really say things that are remotely thought-provoking. and here i go just talking talking talking and for what? the distant hope that you'll understand and read this? maybe not even that maybe im just typing this formyself because i dont know where else or to who else i should talk about any of these things that i'm thinking about at 5 million mph and all these isssues i have with the american people and just people in general and all these people i see at school and who i think about constantly and not in a love kind of way but in a how do you live kind of way because sometimes i just don't understand and sometimes i just cant take myself. i'm too much and i feel like i'm too much for other people, and maybe i am but then what do i do? i don't ever calm down and i don't ever stop. i don't know where i'm going to school or if i'm even smart enough to go anywhere outside of illinois. what is smart? can someone define it for me and then tell me if i am? what does it mean to be smart? am i street smart? because i certainly don't feel like it. i feel like i just float around and bump into things here and there until someone snaps me out of it. but they dont even really get me out of it because i think im still floating around

Auto response from GoHangGoneHung: ap euro

gloryfades72: are people born smart? is it all biological? and if it is does that meanyour parents have to be really smart for you to be smart? because my parents didn't go to ivy league schools like some peoples parents did and they arent doctors or engineers but i still feel theyre smart. and i'm not really good at math. or physics. but i get along. but when i think about physics and other people getting it, and me not, then i don't understand anythng because people said iw as supposed to be smart so why don't i get phsyics? why do all these theories and equations make no sense? why am i so science retarded? i don't understand how this happens. and i feel like i'm not supposed to be like this. like im letting someone down or someting people i don't understand
gloryfades72: i feel like i'm letting myself down when i see people everyday who do perfectly well in APphysics and i'm just trying not to cry in an average level. and i mean the scores don't matter to me because it doesnt make a difference whether i have a B or an A but i would like to know what was going on once in a while and i would like to have some vague understanding of the concept at hand rather than putting all my energy into focusing on something that's going right over my head.
gloryfades72: because this doesnt make sense. and things usually make sense
gloryfades72: and i'm stuck because i feel too stupid to try and move.





ps. i love lauren mangiaforte and her wheel chair.

i am waiting for something to wrong
i am waiting for familiar resolve
i am waiting for another repeat
another diet fed by crippling defeat
and i am waiting for that sense of relief
i am waiting for you to flee the scene
as if you held in your hand the smoking gun
and on the floor lay the one you said you loved.

The more things change, the more they stay the same. I'm not sure who said that. Probably Shakespeare or maybe Sting. But at the moment, it's the sentence that best describes my tragic flaw; my inability to change. I don't think I'm alone in this. The more I get to know other people, the more I realize it's kind of everyone's flaw: staying exactly the same for as long as possible, standing perfectly still -- it feels better somehow. And if you're suffering...at least the pain is familiar. Because if you took that leap of faith, went outside the box, did something unexpected, who knows what other pain might be waiting out there? Chances are it could be worse, so you maintain the status quo; choose the road already traveled, and it doesn't seem that bad; not as far as flaws go. You're not a drug addict, you're not killing anyone...except maybe yourself a little.When we finally do change, I don't think it happens like an earthquake or an explosion, where all of a sudden we're this different person. I think it's smaller than that. The kind of thing that most people wouldn't see unless they looked really really close, which, thank God they never do. But you notice it. Inside of you, that change feels like a world of difference, and you hope that it is; that this is the person you get to be forever...that you'll never have to change again.

kudos to the MRI-ists who lied and said laurens leg was good to go. we appreciate it

mazeltov!

one is the lonliest number that you'll ever do
two can be as bad as one
its the lonliest number since the number one.
no is saddest experience you'll ever know
yes its the saddest experience you'll ever know
cause one is the lonliest number that you'll ever know
one is the lonliest number
even worse than two
its just no good anymore since you went away
no i spend my time just making rhymes of yesterday
one is the lonliest number
one is the lonliest number
one is the lonliest number since you went away
since you went away
one is the lonliest number
one is the lonliest number
one is the lonliest number
its just now good anymore since you went away
now i spend my time just making rhymes of yesterday
one is the lonliest number

Its about that time again, when the temporarily easygoing days are erased from memory and all that survives is the bitter aftertaste of a winterbreak wasted. i'd like more time to read more books that aren't school related. i'd like to be able to sit and read for hours and hours without the overhanging dread of APUS. yet the days linger on and their length only increases along with my inability to tolerate them. half way there and it seems like an eternity. i'm taking the SAT this month along with starting a playwriting class. axle is looking at me and i see the starvation for attention in his eyes. he jsut wandered into the bathroom to go through the garbage and i wonder what hes thinking while hes sifting through the dixie cups searching for the perfect one to bring to me. well tonight i'll read a book hopefully. now he'll get on the lovesac and relax. maybe . nope. oh well. its too hot in here i agree. i know i know the pointless entries are supposed to go on the livejournal but this one wasn't intentionally pointless. on well.

masochistically yours,
audrey

so i was thinking about mallrats and how i am one.

"Listen, not a year goes by, not a year, that I don't hear about some escalator accident involving some bastard kid which could have easily been avoided had some parent - I don't care which one - but some parent conditioned him to fear and respect that escalator!"

Brandi: Suitor number 3, is your kiss like a soft breeze, a firm handshake or a jackhammer?
Gil Hicks: Definitely a jackhammer, I'm in there with some pressure and when I'm done, you're not the same as before. You're changed.

"You're gonna listen to me? To something I said? Hasn't it become abundantly clear during the tenure of our friendship that I don't know shit?"

" Breakfast, shmreakfast. Look at the score, for Christ's sake. It's only the second period and I'm up 12 to 2. Breakfasts come and go, Rene, but Hartford, "the Whale," they only beat Vancouver once, maybe twice in a lifetime."

The Darkness is awesome. Well its a new year and i feel the same. my birthday is in a month and a half. seventeen should hopefully be a pretty normal year. but define normal. i finally bought the choke the book but much to my dismay its not THE choke just Choke. either way. i bought it. so i hope its good.

i used to think there was no one else who could ever be like me or understand me at all. i was all ready to pack up and move to wisconsin and attend a private boarding school away from my peers in schaumburg. i was ready to kiss this scene goodbye and meet new people and give myself a new name and life. then my mother gave me probably the only motherly and reassuring advice she ever will. maybe it was because she was about to burn 30 grand a year on a high school education for a daughter she didnt even really know. what compelled her to dish the advice out in the first place matters not. she said "before you decide if you want to go to wayland, you should decide if youre going there because youre running towards the school itself, or because youre running away from something else." it was then and there that i declined my acceptance to wayland accademy and my mom told them to stop calling because i didn't want to go there anymore. I'm glad i didn't because i found people who can relate to me on levels i didnt know existed. Courtney brings out the funny and lame part of myself that is the most apparent everyday, she also keeps me levelheaded about a lot of things and prevents me from wasting my money on stupid shit. Carter is someone who needs to be here but i can't exactly point out any specific thing he does, he just makes me feel good and i think thats pretty important. Lauren Mangiaforte has helped me realize that i am not as weird as i thought i was and she treats me as if i was living up to my actual potential instead of the slacker i am. but more importantly she helped me understand that i really CAN be serious, contrary to popular belief. and to these people, among others, i am forever indebted.


So here's to the R-rated movies and college acceptance letters that are SURE to come in the year 2004.

And so it comes to be, a day no longer here. A year spent in your shadows, pining over your absence. Where has it led me but to further discoveries regarding myself? It is only after this prolonged adventure lacking a climax that i call 2003 that i have realized that the most important moments were small and ordinarily glanced over without a second thought. in retrospect these moments were the ones that ultimately made the year worth surviving. Without your voice in my ears and your hand resting on the small of my back, i have been forced into the realization that i don't need you in my life and this obsession with your acceptance of me has left me blinded to all the beauty that the world truly does possess. It is only now that i am able to accept the reality of the situation. i understand now that the only person i will ever have to live for is myself. Regardless of whether or not you accept me or, for that matter, regardless of whatever you think of me, i will be able to live. In the months to come, i will let go of our 4 year obligation to eachother. i will cut myself free from the tethers that have kept me tied to you while you have never considered yourself bound to me in any way. who are you if not my first love? you are just a boy and from now on i will regard you as such. This charade of dancing in circles around the question of love has gone on for too long and i am no longer willing to let myself join the masses and be a fool for you. "you may, the memory of what has past half makes me hope you will, have pain in this. a very very brief time. and you will dismiss the recollection of it gladly as an unprofitable dream from which it happened well that you awoke."

in case anyone was curious of the outcome on that spider solitaire game, i won. i would just like to say that everyone is a hypocrite. sick. wait there's something funny that courtney said...

frack698: i think you deserve a pair of american flag flip flops possibly old navy?
gloryfades72: oh you sick bastard


so tonight or last night. i went mini golfing with.... cebo, carter, kevin, nick, and steve. it was pretty fun but my expectations of The Putting Edge were not exactly met. but maybe i just had them set to high. either way, i didn't do any homework. so long sunlight. this girl isn't going outside all weeeekend. i want a west highland terrier for my birthday named julius. well time for some sleep before i start bringing in the new year

-the patron saint of liars and fakes

I'm pretty thirsty but i don't really want to get up. i have courtneys swollen mouth on tape if anyones into that kind of thing. i'm not sure really what to say except i'm in the mood for a dvd but we i don't got a playa in my crib. well my room. oh well. i guess ill just settle for a sprite and another god damned game of spider solitaire.

so lauren posted her new years resolutions on her blog so i'm going to do the same thing.

1) no more fast food


wow that was easy alright so im not as determined as lauren but i know i cannot both like myself and other people all in the same year. thats just asking way too much. so i'll start small and maybe by the time im 45 ill be on the same track as her. it doesn't really make a difference though because no fast food is important and maybe ill be healthy and being healthy would lead to being more positive and optimistic. see i'm just simplifying lauren;s list and starting with the root cause of all my destructive behavior. because if i can blame my life on anything, its fast food.

in other news... i went downtown today and saw the Manet exibit. it was nice but i decided i like monet much better. sorry buddy. we went to urban outfitters too and i got mittens and a shirt that says "i <3 sloths" yeah nice? well fuck you. its clever. steve is sitting on my bed now. bored and i;m typing this. i suppose its time to go entertain him.

ps. i like the great gatsby. but i wish i could finish it so i could start apus and oh does anyone want to help me with the huck finn outline?yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyeah

"It was one of those rare smiles with a quality of eternal reassurance in it, that you may come across four or five times in life. It faced- or seemed to face- the whole external world for an instant, and then concentrated on you with an irresistable prejudice in your favor."

"when i came to visit you, thats when i knew that i could never have you. i knew that before you did. still im the one who's stupid"

sitting here with courtney. thinking about a lot of things and listening to motorcyle driveby, trying to decide my cd for carter. it will be good. yes. it will be.

i love number 5.

its christmas day and i'm online. i dont think its pathetic

i saw dana at church. cool huh?

dear my only reason for living,
you are the beauty i could only dream of possessing.
you are constant as the northern star.
you are the black ice invisible on february nights.
you are the unending humidity of mid-July.
you are a reminder of what i wish to someday aspire to.
you are the steady background support who has never craved the spotlight attention of my life yet has changed me entirely none-the-less.
you are my lobster.
you are my trust and desire.
you are the reason i get up in the morning.
and you dont even remember my name.





i wrote this during summer school.

Its christmas eve and steve just went home and now i'm thinking about carter and how i lost his gift and had to buy him something else. this bright eyes song reminds me of him. actually a lot of songs do but i think this one kind of makes me hurt a little when i hear it.

"all eyes on the calendar
another year i claim of total indifference
to here the days pile up
with decisions to be made
i'm sure all of them were wrong
into this song, i send myself
and with these drinks i plan to collapse and forget
this wasted year
these wasted years
devoted friends, they disappear
i'm sorry about the phone call and needing you
some decisions you don't make
i guess it's like breathing and not wanting to
there are some things that you can't fake
i guess that it is typical
to cling to memories you'll never get back again
and to sort through old photographs of a summer long ago
or a friend that you used to know
and there, below his frozen face
you wrote the name and that ancient date
and you can't believe he is really gone
when all that's left is a fucking song
i'm sorry about the phone call and waking you
i know that its late
but thank you for talking because i needed to
some things just can't wait."


to the one person who enjoys my company and is well aware of my flaws, who can see through my facades and likes me inspite of that. who never really gave up even when my childish antics got old. who helped me learn how to live with myself but was patient when i couldn't. who saw it as it was, and not what we wanted it to be; Merry Christmas, Carter.

i found my friendsfile yesterday that i had everyone fill out in aprilish? i guess it was funny

audrey... only


really funny. sometimes i just have to hit myself really hard and say "audrey, don't be so fucking ridiculous." i was saved by grace but destroyed by naivety. now who is grace and who is naivety? a few months ago or maybe less harrisonwent through his usual phase of wanting to be friends with me for 2 days. i guess i should be expecting an instant message in a few weeks then. thats great, hes as predictable as my period, which is, needless to say, not predictable at all. except you know its going to be there at the most inopportune times.


youre right, motorcycle drive by is an amazing song. it reminds me of you actually and the warm summer mornings with the windows down, and how the song made me feel at ease even though i wasnt. i could go on for hours about how applicable the lyrics are to my life but that would just be the epitome of redundancy so ill leave it at this
"I hope you take a piece of me with you.
And there's things I'd like to do
that you don't believe in.
I would like to build something,
but you'd never see it happen."

"Taste the salt and taste the pain,
I'm not thinking of you again.
Summer dies and swells rise,
The sun goes down in my eyes."

wallowing in my self-pity for days that turn into months that turn into years that turn into the rest of my life and i just watched it all go by without a word. unusual, or is it? the without a word part certainly is but am i really that extroverted?

tonight steve gave me my christmas presents. he bought me a watch and the newest nicholas sparks book. it was great but way too much.anyway we went to see lotr and it was good. considering i slept through the second one i thought i understood it partially. well then i came home and made some sugar cookies since i got new cookie cutters at "Le gormet chef" and i got this lobster but the cookies kept breaking when i tried to take them off the sheet. ohw ell.

so im sitting here on the floor in my room with disorganized furniture wondering how i got here. "here" i think meaning life in general. christmas is almost here and i dont feel ready for it. not yet. it doesnt even seem like december. life does move really fast, i guess, only while youre living it seems to take forever. maybe its better that life seems to last forever because we have time to ponder unanswerable questions into the hot and endless days of the neverending summers. or maybe it would be better if life only seemed to last the blink of an eye, to make sure we have motivation to do all the things we want to do instead of just procrastinating and putting things off until theres nothing left to put them off to. i cant decide.

"See the pyramids along the Nile
Watch the sunrise on a tropic isle
Just remember darlin' all the while
You belong to me

See the market place in Old Algiers
Send me photographs and souvenirs
Just remember when a dream appears
You belong to me

I'll be so alone without you
Maybe you'll be lonesome too, and blue

Fly the ocean in a silver plane
See the jungle when it's wet with rain
Just remember 'til you're home again
You belong to me"

i heard this song today and it bothered me because, well 1 because i couldnt tell who it was, and 2 because it seemed like something steve would say at me. or yell at me. i cant really remember the words or context much beyond the idea of someone trying to change someone else without realizing that they were expecting way to much and trying to change someone entirely and its wrong/ and despite this persons attempts to configure the opposites personality, he explains in the chorus that hes willing to stay and wait it out. thats just sad to me because i dont think i deserve it.

im a compass without a direction serving no purpose but bleeding into the night as if these lacerated wounds would never heal. i bear this cross to show the world i know who i am and where i stand. the universe is bigger than we thought so does that make my cross ironic? i stumble over words and fall over feelings, on my way down i hit myface on jagged rocks and stay bleeding until i'm dead. love is a panic as opposed to a picnic. and in ITS crippling brevity, this nervous habit is choking me. death by asphixiation as a clear cut reflection of my panic-stricken sense of self. failure by design? or just failure?

"you know the feeling when you get into a warm bath? well, you make me feel like a bath?"

its saturday morning and im ready to rock and roll. count your pennies kids, we're going to the circus.

so i'm just doing the aim express thing until i get my computer back

at the end of my day i found out
you weren't worth what i thought of you



this isn't love there on the backend of forever i wish i would never hurt again

SO i havent updated or been online lately because i dont have access to my computer because its not in my room. my room is painted and almost ready to be carpeted and when that is complete, i will be up and running again. i havent really been thinking lately anyway so updating this would do me no justice. im just checking up on things and playing a game of spider solitaire before returning to the daunting task of ap us. then i will make up an entire psychology project and do maht and i think thats it. well oh well. this weekend has been quick. im ready for break and imnot eating fast food any more

wow i just cant say anything right can i? great

can we say stressed out? yes, yes we can, and we can say it LOUDLY. i love lauren mangiaforte

Innocence lost.

In the naive years that make up my entire existence i've come to understand that no one ever really "gets it" in the end. We are all just wandering around hoping to run into someone who will laugh at your jokes and thinks you're funny even when youre not. Is there some fabricated plan to the rest of our lives or is everything just randomly thrown together. cross your fingers and hope they still love you in 50 years, 40 lbs, and a lot of wasted money later. I would like to believe that somewhere between the structured design and pointless wandering, there is a happy medium where people can find the love they deserve without having to throw themselves out in front of traffic. I'm not saying that i'm going to be expecting my soul mate to just magnetically collide into me, but i don't want to have to be searching up and down boardwalks with a sign. i don't know where i'm going with this. its too late for a heated debate against myself. i havent studied enough ap us. but i need to get sleep. so i'll deal with these ideas later

i'm not sure what to say, or if i have anything new to say at all. i could quote postal service on how i feel at the moment. do you ever look at a picture and wish you could remember exactly how you felt at that moment? that happens to me a lot with pictures of me when i was little. i just wonder what i was thinking about, and if i was happy, and if i knew that my parents were never around or if i just thought that was normal. i found a picture of steve and he looks sad which is different for pictures of him because he usually just looks angry. either way, i was just wondering what he was thinking about.


"i want to take you far from the cynics in this town and kiss you on the mouth. We'll cut our bodies free from the tethers of this scene, start a brand new colony."

heres another one. i hope its the last one for a while. i just cant stop

i n f o r m a t i o n
1. name: Audrey
2. single or taken: single
3. sex: Female
4. birthday: 2/14
5. sign: Aquarius
6. siblings: Eric
7. hair color: brown
8. eye color: blue
9. shoe size: 10
10. height: 5'9
11. favorite foods: chicken fingers and ranch and enchiladas
12. hometown: Schaumburg

r e l a t i o n s h i p s
1. who are your best friends?: Courtney Chris Ali and Carter
2. do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: no
3. did you send this to your crush?: No
4. did your crush send this to you?: No
5. longest relationship?: over 6 months, ic ouldn't give exact dates
6. how many actual relationships have you been in?: 5
7. how many people have you kissed?: 9
8. are you shy around your crush?: haha no
9. do you indulge in random hook-ups?: no
10. still have feelings for anyone you've been in a past relationship with?: yes
11. do you know what it feels like to be in love?: yes
12. would you sacrifice your favorite possession for your best friends?: definitely

f a s h i o n | s t u f f
1. where is your favorite place to shop?: american eagle
2. have any tattoos or piercings?: no
3. what is your favorite thing to wear?: hollister pants and r.b.f.
4. what is a must have accessory?: my watch
5. how much is the most you've ever spent on a single item of clothing?: umm maybe $50?
7. who is the most fashionable person you know?: Lindsay
8. who is the least fashionable person you know?: me
9. do you match your belt with your hair color?: No
10. what is the worst thing you've ever thought looked good: some pretty ugly purses
11. what are you wearing right now?: soccer shorts and a tank top
12. how many pairs of shoes do you own? id say just over 25
13.what is the worst trend you see today?: buckling belts on the side or the back. so lame. everything at H and M

s p e c i f i c s
1. do you do drugs? no
2. what kind of shampoo do you use?: herbal essensessensees
3. what are you most scared of?: spiders i guess
4. what are you listening to right now?: nothing
5. who is the last person that called you?: uhhh steve
6. where do you want to get married?: somewhere warm
7. how many buddies are online right now?: 12
8. what would you change about yourself?: i think id change everything except my flawless sense of style
9. what are essentials in your life?: friends, books
10. if you had the power to do any one thing, what would it be? fly
11. what nationality are you?: German/Irish
12. do you send out holiday cards each year?: my parents do

h a v e | y o u | e v e r
1. given someone a bath? yes
2. smoked?: yes
3. bungee jumped?: no
4. made yourself throw up?: yeah, i used to think that was the only way i could stay home from school.
5. skinny dipped?: Yeah
6. made yourself cry to get out of trouble?: yeah, it doesnt work
7. cried when someone died?: yeah
8. fallen for your best friend?: Yes
9. been rejected?: yeah
10. rejected someone?: Yeah
11. used someone?: no

c u r r e n t
1. hair: flat ass
2. music: none
3. make-up: some left over from last night
4. annoyance: axle and eric
5. scent: pancakes downstairs
6. favorite artist: jackson pollock
7. favorite group: blink 182
8. desktop picture: this cinderella thing
9. book you're reading: huck finn, walden
10. cd in player: saves the day
11. dvd in player: lock stock and 2 smoking barrels
12. color of toenails: none

c h r i s t m a s | w i s h | l i s t
1. Love
2. Money
3. Video Camera
4. Sweaters
5. Dvds/cds

i hope you're happy now, because i'm not, and he's not.

Once on a yellow piece of paper with green lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Chops"
because that was the name of his dog
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and a gold star
And his mother hung it on the kitchen door
and read it to his aunts
That was the year that Father Tracy
took all the kids to the zoo
And he let them sing on the bus
And his little sister was born
with tiny toenails and no hair
And his mother and father kissed a lot
And the girl around the corner sent him a
valentine signed with a row of X's
and he had to ask his father what the X's meant
And his father always tucked him in bed at night
And was always there to do it

Once on a piece of white paper with blue lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Autumn"
because that aws the name of the season
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and asked him to write more clearly
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because of its new paint
And the kids told him
that Father Tracy smoked cigars
And left butts on the pews
And sometimes they would burn holes
That was the year his sister got glasses
with thick lenses and black frames
And the girl around the corner laughed
when he asked her to go see Santa Claus
And the kids told him why
his mother and father kissed a lot
And his father never tucked him in bed at night
And his father got mad
when he cried for him to do it.

Once on a paper torn from his notebook
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Innocence: A Question"
because that was the question about his girl
And that's what it was all about
And his professor gave him an A
and a strange steady look
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because he never showed her
That was the year that Father Tracy died
And he forgot how the end
of the Apostle's Creed went
And he caught his sister making out on the back porch
And his mother and father never kissed
or even talked
And the girl around the corner
wore too much makeup
That made him cough when he kissed her
but he kissed her anyway
because that was the thing to do
And at three A.M. he tucked himself into bed
his father snoring soundly

That's why on the back of a brown paper bag
he tried another poem
And he called it "Absolutely Nothing"
Because that's what it was really all about
And he gave himself an A
and a slash on each damned wrist
And he hung it on the bathroom door
because this time he didn't think
he could

"You guys, you made me ink."
"See this tenticle? its actually shorter than all my other tenticles, but you really cant tell especially when i twirl like this."

id do anything for you. and you probably don't know this is about you. youre a great friend i just wish i saw you more often. i guess its hard to keep up with everything. i wish it wasnt. you like me the way i am and i guess that just. i dont know. i just wish you knew. yeah somethings wrong but i just cant put my finger on it.

who loves outkast besides me? hhhheyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy ya. don't try to fight the feeling cuz the thought alone is killing me right now. this is putting me in a better mood

does anyone have a medicine for melancholy? how about some thoreau? walden and civil disobedience?

homework is such a comforting consistency. i had 4 hours today. i'm gonna shake it like a polaroid picture.

lets see funniest thing today? i want to record it. i think it might have been ryan wearing white socks. or maybe him telling me about yasmeen falling asleep in apus. i wish i could have been there. or maybe the funniest thing was me telling mrs lopez that dan and i were just discussing our wedding plans and then dan confessing to me after class that he was having second thoughts.

this is the last time we'll be friends again. ill get over you. you'll wonder who i am. and theres this burning, just like there's always been. ive never been so alone. and ive never been so alive.


I go home to the coast,
It starts to rain,
I paddle out,
On the water,
Alone,
Taste the salt and taste the pain,
I'm not thinking of you again,
Summer dies and swells rise,
The sun goes down in my eyes,
See this rolling wave,
Darkly coming to take me,
Home

I'll be the fire escape that's bolted to the ancient brick where you will sit and contemplate your day.

i baked you a cake but i threw it away along with the ashes left over from when i burned your pictures. and these pathetic attempts to gain your acceptance fail repeatedly and now its clear to me that "i was the one worth leaving"

"Reality is a sliding door."