Sitting on the floor doing macro I am thinking about anything but monetary function and policy. I realized that I take everything for granted. my friends, my parents, my dog. I just assume that i will always be living this lifestyle. Its about time for me to stop feeling sorry for myself because it doesn't make me feel any better. I need to stop hating myself because it doesn't ever get me anywhere. I shouldn't beat myself up about my weight or my grades or my intellect. Its just hard for me to like me, maybe because i know i'm really not a good person. But what am i supposed to be comparing myself to? I mean what does being a "good" person really mean anyway? Am i good compared to Mother Theresa? no. Am i good compared to Ms. duffy or hitler? Yes. But what is the platonic "good"? i feel like i am stuck is the allegory of the cave and there are no real examples of what life is supposed to be.
its not like plato dropped any hints.
Maybe thats the irony of it all. I feel so bad about myself because i compare myself to everyone else. Of course youre not supposed to compare yourself to others, that has been the message since day one, or has it? Why is there a class rank if you're not supposed to compare yourself? In the long run, no one is any better or worse than anyone else because that platonic good or evil has never existed. If it has, no one has noticed or mentioned it.
So are we all just shadows of something bigger?
Its no use debating it. I could watch donnie darko a thousand times and still not completely understand, but maybe it wasnt meant to be understood. and maybe not everyone was meant to be rank one. but maybe not. everyone is just competing for the same spotlight but what is it? the spotlight of life? and for who if not themselves? I'm tired of talking in circles and I'm tired of talking about Deus Ex Machina or satire. Is everyone's life contrived? Do we all choose our endings? and if so, to what extent? how much do we control versus how much the people in our lives control?
Aren't we all led astray by some sort of big bunny that could eventually result in our escape of death?
I'm tired of competing with the same people who always end up winning. The redundancy of my life thus far has left me feeling slightly put out. I do have a bio test on tuesday and the need to study more than the night before has been stressed for weeks, yet i still haven't studied, and why? do i enjoy failing? no. do i care about bio? sort of. I mean in the long run, what will this class along with all my other classes except english give me? what is the value, the real value of cellular respiration in plants? how does that help me? Yet i continue learning about fiscal policy and limits and bioenergetics and i cant help but wonder is this as good as it gets? Of course all must be taken with a grain of salt, but to sufficiently supress my unsatisfied feelings towards my senior year of high school would require more than a cup of salt let alone a grain.

All in all, I have succeeded in completely contradicting myself in less than 15 minutes while at the same time avoided doing my homework and going to bed at what most would consider a reasonable hour. the success rating for this post will not be high, but i am still somewhat glad i wrote it.