"You don't do ass to mouth."

i have this reallly sick picture on my desk from sophomore year of court me tray and jeanine. its very strange that its still up. i also have a picture of meholding jeremy archibalds dog. which might even be weirder.

i can't stop spending money. ive already spent almost all my designated "january" money. im pretty stoked for new years. not stoked that my dress makes my boobs look small. ohhhh well. Elias from clerks 2 is a great character.

i miss when axle was a tiny weird looking puppy. im sick of all my books and need new ones.

am i the only one in the world who really wants to see WE ARE MARSHALL???? ohhhh my life as a sports drama junkie.

wow im going back to school in like 2 days. this blows.

let it be known that on december 28th-29th i had fun.


im having fun.


finally fun.

NO THE SWEETNESS WILL NOT BE CONCERNED WITH ME.

my room is a messssssssssssssssssssssssss. and my computer is slooow

"Oh Jenny!"

"Axle! Axle! Axle! Axle! Axle!"
"Ty, stop yelling at axle."
"Axle!"

I love nights that end up with me and court spooning. preceeded by visiting the home alone house and wishing i was really rich.

I love jimmy eat world and brand new and blink 182. i could go for some left over pizza right now.


"I won't play your hide and seek games."

STOP GETTING DARK OUT AT 4 PM!!!! i really love the cosgriffs.

i have also stopped swearing. or at least im trying not to say "as fuck" about everything or anything. its really hard.

"I'm goin to Iowa."

so my dress for new years makes my boobs look small. but i dont really care because im so tired of dress shopping.

off to the mall today with court for another shopping adventure.

my stomach keeps making weird gurgling noises.

i love village tavern.

merry christmas, baby.

i hope courtney got the friends series boxed set. and i cant wait to go shopping. also there are a lot of january birthdays that i need to buy for. why couldnt we have spread the births out a little bit across the months? there are like 10,000 in january. whatev.

axle actually wants to be pet right now. shocking.

my family is watching Mosquito Man, which was a cheap pre-viewed dvd at blockbuster that i bought eric as a stocking stuffer, which was a mistake.

my newly aquired dvds include: Shes The Man, Pirates 2, COol Runnings, The Devil Wears Prada and ANimals are Beautiful People. ahahaha sweeet.

we will be leaving indiana tomorrow morning, if anyones up for a hangout, let me know. i think saying this is funny because the only person who reads this and would actually hang out with me is court. so court ill call you tomorrow. i got you this other sweet thing too.

hahahhahah

its 1130 and we haven't left yet. this is good because i really think my dad still would have been drunk at the intended departure time of 630.

merry christmas eve eve!

"why must you try to ruin my peace of mind?
and they were only words and i never meant them
i never loved you
even in my weakness
you were fuel for the fire - cannon fodder"
rilo kiley

in a few short hours we will be on our way to indiana. this will be an interesting trip starting at 630 in the morning. i kind of want my mom to open her portable dvd player present early so we can watch it in the car. is that selfish? yes. i'm dead tired and probably won't update until the 26th at the earliest.

merry christmas.


snakes on a friends complete series boxed set.

i love when courtney talks to me about her jealousy. this makes me feel better about the years i spent as a psychotic jealous girlfriend. i mean courts not psychotic, not even close to as bad as i have been, but just knowing that im not the only one who gets jealous makes me feel more at ease with myself.

tonight is the neighborhood christmas party. i need to get out of this house. or get completely trashed. but i think ill just get out.

this is one of those nights where friends other than courtney would be nice to have. kyle's mom is here. maybe kyle wants to hang out with me.... HAHAHAHhahahahHAha. ugh. life.

i feel like im on a fucking dial-up connection.

there are at least a thousand viruses on this computer. probably like 6 trojan horses.

snakes on a dell! get me a mac.

everyone is getting married. well not really but maybe ill have more luck in that area since im not going to vet school. but for some reason i dont think that is the determining factor, or even a factor at all.

damnit another ear infection. i swear this is just spontaneous regeneration.

Today i decided that im not going to hate the whole country of japan because of keiko, because im just mature and shit. so i will no longer be denouncing sushi or gwen stefanis harajuku girls or whatever.

give it to the world: peace love and GAP.

shit. almost 10 days. i just don't turn my computer on at home. because its slow as fuck and my laptop is still broken.

so far i have loved this break. and the presents from courtney and greg. and courtney and greg in general. they are really the only people ive seen and im completely okay with that. i would like to see gio and charlie sometime soon though.

I also really love the new brand new. hell i love all brand new.

In january im going to try to start doing better in school.

This is going to be a rainy christmas. I want to go to a park and swing. another great song is brick by ben folds five. but more importantly, back to the brand new...

"I used to be such a burning example, I used to be so original. I used to care, I was being cared for. Made sure I showed it to those that I love. I used to sleep without a single stir, 'Cause I was about my father's work. Well take me out tonight, The ship of fools I'm on will sink. A millstone around my neck, Be my breath, there's nothing I wouldn't give. I used to pray a God was listening. I used to make my parents proud. I was the glue that kept my friends together, Now they don't talk and we don't go out. I used to know the name of every person I kissed. Now I made this bed and I can't fall asleep in it."
brand new-millstone

i'm really sad right now, today, this week, this month, this year.

i'm so tired of trying to figure everything/anything out.

i will never understand chemistry or guys.

so sorry to annoy you. but you really don't get it.

and now it has ended before it even had a chance to start. and im tired of letting you make me feel bad about myself.

i will never meet your expectations or anyone else's.

seeing as hindsight is in fact 20/20, i have realized that choosing a school with religion class requirements might not have been a good idea.

on the bright side, before 9 AM tomorrow i have to read ecclesiastes, esther, daniel, and jeremiah.

the easiest way to break someones spirit is to criticize their writing style. when i was home for thanksgiving E was writing a Catcher in the Rye paper and so i printed mine out from junior year so he could compare it. its kind of upsetting when you realize your ability to write has done nothing but decline since high school. ugh now i have nothing but mediocrity. i think i would like to rewind to senior year and do things differently. maybe i should have just gone to colorado state. probably.

i bought a lisa loeb cd yesterday on itunes. im kind of excited to go home for break and then for E to visit over interim. im also excited to go to portland over interim break but not nearly as excited as i am to go to BUENOS AIRES, ARGENTINA for spring break!

one thing i hate about myself is my inability to take tests, or rather my inability to do well on tests. i mean even if i did study, which i dont, i still wouldnt do well. thats why ive given up. ive lost all hope. finals are a dreary dreary time for me. i mean i guess they are for everyone. i think the one big thing thats changed about my writing is the fact that now i write like i talk and before i wrote much more formally. even on this thing i was all poetic and shit. now im just like yeah whateva.

ahhhhh. get me to chicago. or actually just get me to schaumburg. i dont really care if i see the city at all over break. I LOVE ILLINOIS.

i do nothing but waste time. waste waste waste waste. i am a huge mother fucking waste.

i want to go home. if this were last year, i would have been on a flight today.

instead its this year and i dont have a 7 hour car ride ALONE until next monday.

but i do like to waste time. waste waste waste.

spider solitaire is melting my brain.

ill write a haiku:

I need to go to the gym
because i am fat
but i am also tired

my dog is cuter than you
and he's nicer too
my precious little airedale

i wish scrubs was like real life
cause i like J.D.
but i like Dr. Cox too.

i'm so sick of guys. im so sick your excuses. maybe ill see you at our 10 year high school reunion. maybe seeing you then wont be RUSHING it.


When I'm done with thinking,
then I'm done with you
When I'm done with crying,
then I'm done with you
When I feel so tired,
then I'm done with you

Everybody feels this way sometimes,
everybody feels this way.
And I do.
You can't hear it, but I do.
You can't hear it, but I do.

You're trying to convince me,
that what I've done's not right
I get so frustrated,
I stay up every night.

You ask me for an answer,
and I'm so tired and I'm up in the air (I'm up in the air)
You know everybody feels this way sometimes,
everybody feels this way

And I do.
You can't hear it but I do
You can't hear it, but I'm feeling this way just because you say

I will be ignored
And I will be denied
And I could be erased
I could be brushed aside
And I will get scared,
And I will get shoved down
but I feel like I do because you push me around.

I'm starting to ignore you,
I doubted you so long,
I'm tired of over-thinkin,
I know you don't belong
Now I'm asking questions,
No one pushes me around,
Everybody feels this ways sometimes,
Everybody feels this way

i'm really not surprised that steve lied about sarah and gagan saying ronny hated me. becaues steve tends to lie about a lot of things, like going to the Masters. it really says a lot about a person when they will go to such lengths to lie to someone they "love" about something really really really important to that someone.

now i mean i've never hated sarah or gagan and when i thought they had actually said that, i wasnt mad or hateful but i was confused hurt and caught off gaurd. now i am just mad. and im just mad at steve.

I should have known after he completely FABRICATED the elaborate weekend spent at the masters (including players he saw and merchandise he bought) that something was not quite right and maybe i shouldnt view him as a reliable source of information.

sorry if this hurts, but you hurt me more. i mean was it another plan to keep me all to yourself? did you think well sarahs not coming back around to me anytime soon but what if gagan tries to hangout with me, oh no! you better thwart those plans asap. ronny dies and you try to turn me against him. thats so sweet.

you are the platonic form of "liar"

i used to be poetic but now i'm just tired.

i will now take a few moments to reflect on 2006 (in an obnoxious passive voice)...

the major themes of 2006 were death, dying, and bereavement.
relationships were started and some were ended.
schools and lives changed.
weed was smoked and alcohol was consumed.
a new era of college searching began.
dreams were realized and euthanized.
weight was gained and then eventually lost.
woodfield was frequented more than church.
naps were taken and classes were skipped.
montreal, torono, boston, baltimore and mississippi were visited.
halloween was spent with my one and only.
best friend stayed best friend and will stay forever.
job at animal shelter was obtained and then lost.



i still love axle, miss lily, think about harrison, and dream about courtney!

Is it possible for people here to talk about anything other than how amazingly brilliant they are? No, no its not.

some songs make me think of ronny and i dont know why.


one of these songs is Rilo Kiley- Pictures of Success

Izzie: Take off your pants

Alex: You realize when I said the apocalypse I meant it metaphorically, not literally.

Izzie: I haven't had sex in eight months and twelve days. I'm horny, I'm half-naked, and I'm saying yes. Do you want to stand there and talk metaphors or do you want to literally take off your pants?

ouch that hurt.

only courtney understands how i feel. ohhhhhhhh woe is me.

today i had the most unsatisfying and realistic dream to date. well there were parts that were not realistic but the unsatisfying part certainly was. just shoot me. merry fucking christmas. i also wrote ryan a letter, well 2 sentences, that i will never send. and i cant wait for new years.

"Such a pretty picture that you paint: I'm so vile while you're a saint"



i tried to watch the OC tonight but im pretty sure that show is a lost cause for me, i had absolutely no idea what was going on and thought about calling courtney to fill me in but i decided that would probably be annoying.

I'm going to list my planned out schedule for the rest of college!



fall 2007 :

• Bio 233 (Genetics)
  
• Bio 243 or 243 (Human Anat. phys. or Animal phys.
  
• Spanish 232
  
• History 272 (Women in America) OR History 320 (Modern Europe)
  
• Peac 126 (Scuba Diving)
  
  

Interim 2008:

• Theater 115: Acting for non-majors OR Econ 121 (macro and micro)
  

Spring 2008:

Environmental Science in Australia

• Bio 224 (Marine Biology
  
• Bio 226 (Terrestrial Ecology)
  
• Anthro 222 (Cultural)
  
• Psci 221 (Environmental Policy
  

Fall 2008:

• Bio 386 (Animal Behavior)
  
• Psci 270 (Family Values)
  
• English 222 (Lit. in England 1650-1850) OR History 375 (Contemporary America)
  
• Econ 245 (Health Care Economics)
  
• Art 116 (Foundation Ceramics)
  
  

Interim 2009:

• Bio 287 (Island Biology in the Bahamas: Abroad)
  
  

Spring 2009:

• Stats 212 (Statistics for Science Majors)
  
• Religion 209 (Intro Feminist Theology)
  
• Mgmt 251 (Management)
  
• Bio 382 (Immunology) OR History 370 (19th Century US Social Hst)

Well that was a huge waste of time but i dont feel as bad as i would have if i had just watched TV all this time.

I cant wait to buy formal dresses with courtney for the black tie party.

i also cant wait for my new years kiss with courtney... and axle. and probably all my drunk neighbors. sweeeet

this campus is really creepy at night.

i'm so tired and i never want to mate flies again. i dont care about whether stupid dumpy wings is a sex-linked trait. its not, in case youre wondering.
everyone is busy and i just want a shower.

Courtney and I are baking for Joe. or rather I am helping Courtney bake something for Joe. Either way, i'm excited. Im also excited for new years and i hope i get to spend that with courtney too.

My parents are having a party and my mom was all upset because she didnt get to dress up to go to any fancy christmas parties this year and i said she should make the neighborhood new years party a black tie event. I kind of hope she does that because i would like to buy a new dress.

today my mom was supposed to call this breeder about the puppy we are getting for my grandpa and then she was supposed to call me and tell me how it went and i just now realized she didnt. since its 1AM it probably wouldnt be a good idea to try to call her now, and im annoyed. I know courtney hates designer dogs but this one i have a feeling is going to be sooooo cute. plus i never claimed to hate paris hilton dogs and this isnt a chihuahua its a bichon-poo.... which is much more respectable.

I also just looked this over and realized that i talk about courtney as though she were my lover. hahahaha but hey whatever.

everything you write is so full of hate, i'm still amazed.

thank you for blocking me/deleting me on facebook. i hope that helps you.

que sera, sera.

I Love Gio!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

this just in: chocolate covered pretzels are much better than regular pretzels. i actually think thats been in for a while. i got a cute kleenex box today. i need to do laundry but alas, i will not.


i plan to spend the spring semester of 2008 in Australia. don't bother telling me how sweet that is, i ALREADY KNOW. This is a realistic endeavor because i have already started the application process.


and now i am getting sick from dinner, im absolutely shocked about this.


I MISS MY DOG!!!!!

You are the biggest hypocrite i know. If noone else can say it to you, I can. Your passive aggressiveness makes me sick.



on a completely different note...

"It was still packed, even at four in the morning, and it was full of my least favorite people: fucking art students. I mean, Jess had already warned us, but it still came as a shock. All those woolly hats, and mustaches with parts of them missing, all those tattoos and plastic shoes... i mean, I'm a liberal guy, and i didnt want Bush to bomb Iraq, and I like to toke as much as the next guy, but these people still fill my heart with fear and loathing, mostly because i know they wouldnt have liked my band. When we played a college town, and we walked out in front of a crowd like this, i knew we were going to have a hard time. They don't like real music, these people. They don't like the Ramones or the Tempations or the 'Mats; they like DJ Bleepy and his stupid fucking bleeps. Or else they pretend that they're fucking ganstas, and listen to hip-hop about hos and guns."

-Nick Hornby

"I'd be paralyzed if i ran into you." Last night i thought i saw harrison at christmas fest and it was the weirdest thing. of course it wasnt him, why would it be? it was still a very strange experience and i feel obligated to record it. I'm going home for break in 15 days. If i went to a normal school with normal breaks i would be going home in like 10. I wish i did mostly because id get a drive home with court again and i really love those.



Whats it been over a decade?

it smarts like it was 4 minutes ago

we only influenced eachother totally

we only bruised eachother even more so



what are you my blood?

you touch me lik eyou are my blood

what are you my dad?

you affect me like you are my dad



how long can a girl be shackled to you?

how long before my dignity is reclaimed?

and how long can a girl stay haunted by you?

soon i'll grow up and i wont even flinch at your name

Courtney mentioned in her most recent post that she thinks she and i could hold a 2 hour long conversation on the phone if we tried. i agree. i think i could talk almost nonstop for at least 5 hours. i mean i have the way home from school with her before. I think my inability to stop talking has actually made a lot of could-be-awkward interactions much less awkward because i always have something to say to keep the conversation going.

my mom should be here in about 15 minutes, which is pretty sweet. i hope we go to MOA.

Also- i'm no longer pre-vet and i've decided to go into public health or animal policy (after grad school of course)


Right now my favorite schools are Tufts, BU, and NYU. This is probably subject to change


why am i doing this you might ask? well really i want to spend a semester in australia and i also dont want to go through the rest of my undergraduate career worrying about failing some chemistry class, which is what i would do if i stuck with this pre-vet thing. now i can go abroad and take classes that i can actually pass!

christmas movies annoy me. unless its a christmas story in which case it doesnt annoy me. and i want a leg lamp.



miracle on 34th st is not my cup of tea. Stick to the dinasours John Hammond, Santa isnt yo thang.



A Long Way Down by Nick Hornby is really good. and i just almost typed nick horny. what does that tell you about my sex life?

I just painted my nails "green tea"




I also stopped being prevet, and then replanned the rest of my undergraduate career




I feel less like jumping out a window now, which i think is good.




We're getting my grandpa a puppy for christmas and it gets to live with us for 2 weeks first, i think this can only lead to extreme attachment. i think its going to be a cockapoo or a yorkie bichon. one of those pansy ass designer dogs that everyone secretly thinks is really adorable.




Courtney thinks her teeth moved from one specific incident with a pen cap. this is not true, but until she gets her retainer she will believe it is.




It looks like santa threw up in our room. thanks bri.

I also didnt mention that Ronny died. well, Ronny died. And i'm still upset about it and it still bothers me and i still think about it everyday. I don't think this is wrong or unusual. Its not like im still in complete mourning, i just dont think its something that goes away overnight.




Even though Gagan and Sarah insisted to steve that ronny didnt even like me, I know that its not true because i know they don't really know anything. The truth is no one really knew anything or maybe we could have done something. I mean maybe we couldnt, but the point is people shouldnt say that their dead friend didnt like his friends because it doesn't do anything but just hurt people.




this was a really lame and elementary post. i don't care.




I'm back with avengence.

After looking at my post i realize why i got so pissed at this thing and it was because i couldnt separate the things i wanted to say. i couldnt hit enter and actually have it work...

that became really annoying. but probably just for me because im my only reader.






Since i last wrote on here my grandma died of cancer, i broke up with steve, i transferred to a new school, and then switched roommates because mine was a huge (literally) bitch. Its been quite a transition.

I am bringing this blog back from the dead i kid you not.

for the last... i dont know... really long time, i have been on somewhat of a hiatus with thechoke and have either forgotten to write or just had nothing poignant or beautiful to say. this is going to stop here. I am going to come out of this hiatus with a new connection to my blog and i will not disappoint my thousands of fans like blink 182 did when they decided just to break up after theirs.

Northfield, Minnesota is one of the most boring places on earth.
The town slogan is "Colleges, Cows and Contentment."

Need i say more?


I plan to actually write in this regularly from here on out. i thought about trying to get it published but then i realized that
a) no one would read it and more importantly
b) there is so much copywrite infringement all over the place with my unnamed artists and authors scattered throughout that i would never want to take the time to actually go through it and give all those people the proper credit needed for publishing.


I hate when you think of really clever things in the shower and then when you finally get dressed and back to the computer, you cant remember any of it. thats how i feel right now. i had a thousand really funny things to write on this that i thought of in the shower and of course i cant remember a damn one of them. (except the blink 182-hiatus thing, i did remember that from the shower).

Its only been a few days but i can feel it falling apart. I saw you and sarah and joe driving today. I dont think you noticed me. Then i called you later but you didnt answer. I saw your mom and patrick at dairy queen last night. I wish i could explain to you how shitty this all makes me feel. and how shitty i feel that you don't even notice.

I'm frustrated. I don't understand what I'm doing wrong. Why don't you ever ask me to hang out with you and joe but you ask sarah to right in front of me. Its like you can never spend more than half an hour with me at a time. I hate to say it, but its sounding more than a little familiar to the way keiko used to act. I mean you're my best friend but I feel like I'm gradually drifting farther away from being yours. I've tried to confront you about it but i don't know if it makes any sense to you. But really thats all i can do. Now i will just sit back. I'm not sure if you will read this but its more for me anyway. I'm not going to stop calling you and i dont really want to know what would happen if i did. I just hope this isnt permanent and eventually we'll go back to being inseperable again but unfortunately i have a feeling that isn't exactly in the cards for us. Now all i can do is sit back and wait and hope.

Your love is thick and it swallowed me whole. You're so much braver than i ggive you credit for. Thats not lip service. Youve already won me over inspite of me. and dont be alarmed if i fall head over feet.



I keep listening to ben folds and thinking about the rest of my life and how its going to end up. I don't know who I'm going to end up with. Have i met the person i'm going to marry? Has every action i've taken thus far only led me further towards my ultimate destiny? I can't help but question everything i know. I'm not that far away from getting married and having kids buying cars and houses and starting a career. granted, i'm only 19 but thats still 19. less than one year away from 20. Is there a such thing as fate?



I love you more than i have ever found a way to say to you.




So it is just like you said it would be. Life goes easy on me, most of the time. And so it is, the shorter stories, no love no glory no hero in her skies. I can't take my eyes off of you. I can't take my eyes off of you.


So it is just like you said it should be. We'll both forget the breeze, most of the time. and so it is, the colder water the blower's daughter.





I'm confused and lately questioning everything. How much has this one decision to go to minnesota instead of maryland impacted the rest of my life?

I've got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one.


Long time, no update. I'm transfering to st olaf. I'm also getting a car. These should be exciting things. I'm hungry. This summer i will hang out with courtney all the time. Lily is also coming to visit. I am excited for these things.

I'm thirsty and i want to buy some beverages from the bookstore but i dont want to walk down there. I want lily to get done with her stupid logic test so she can hang out with me.

de·pres·sion n. A psychiatric disorder characterized by an inability to concentrate, insomnia, loss of appetite, anhedonia, feelings of extreme sadness, guilt, helplessness and hopelessness, and thoughts of death. Also called clinical depression

I am falling. why? HOW? i don't know. But you're not here to catch me.




Can't we make it work? Can't it somehow work? Will it EVER work? How did it take me so long to realize what's been right in front of me all along? 10 years. I'm still here. Now i get it. Am i too late?




This distance is killing me.

I love you however, you hold me down.



MONTREAL HERE WE COME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

these grass stains on my knees they won't mean a thing.

cut me open. sun poisoned. this offer stands forever. new haircut. new bracelet. eyeliner. wait forever.

There'd be no distance that could hold us back.






So this is the new year?

You're the echoes of my everything,

You're the emptiness the whole world sings at night.

You're the laziness of afternoon,

You're the reason why I burst and why I bloomed..

You're the leaky sink of sentiment,

You're the failed attempts I never could forget.

You're the metaphors I can't create to comprehend this curse that I call love..

you'll be mine again in the summer. always in the summer.

I cant move on because i cant stop thinking about everything else. My past is enveloping my future.

Maybe i just set aside the fact that you were broken hearted, in my own special selfish way. and if i hadn't set aside the fact that you were broken hearted, hell knows where your heart could be today, maybe with me.

Its weird to think that its really over. I can honestly say i didnt really see this coming. I guess i probably should have. And if its whats best then why do i feel so sad?

So happy valentine's day. i hope the sun's out in new york.

I hate valentine's day.

The problem i am dealing with right now is being okay with who i am and being happy. is anyone ever happy with who they turn out to be? is anyone ever happy? If 5 years of therapy can't make me like myself, then what possibly could?

Light that smoke, yeah one for giving up on me.




Nice eyeliner. I guess you're still not done trying to be someone youre not.

I ripped up all the memories. There are no pictures left to burn goodbye to. I know about everything that you try to cover up so as not to hurt my feelings. "when two people love eachother but they just cant get it together, when do you get to the point where enough is enough?" I guess the real answer is January 8th 2006.

dear [steve],



we learned so much. I realize we won't be able to talk for some time. and i understand that as i do you. the long distance thing was the hardest and we did as well as we could. we were together during a very tumultous time in our lives. i will always have your back and be curious about you; about your career, your whereabouts.

Someday we will be able to relate to Gwen Stefani- Cool. Someday. And i don't hate you.

you're stealing my best friend more everyday and i hate you for it.

I can be as mean as you but that wouldn't do any good. I don't care anymore about this stupid fight you won't give up. You can continue to talk all the shit you want, it only makes me realize further that i did the right thing. Everyone makes decisions everyday that end up being life-altering. this is one of those decisions. I don't regret anything. I'm done with the stage in my life where i date boys like my dad. My dad is getting over being an asshole and maybe you should too. I don't know why it always turns into a fight. Why you always have to dig down to find some reason to be malicious. What are you trying to prove? Saying you're not who i thought you were would be a lie because I've always known exactly what you are. And finally, in the immaculate words of Snake River Conspiracy, "You've managed to convince yourself but I don't think you can manage me."

The thing is, you keep kissing other girls and i keep finding out. I'm not seraching for reasons to hate you, you're just throwing them out there yourself. Maybe next time you should try thinking first before you act. It would probably be the first time in your life. I'm sick of you and all your "changes."

it has recently come to my attention that it is impossible to change someone. i knew this before. right now its time for me to start taking responsibility for myself and my emotions. its not really possible for someone else to "make me sad" or make me feel anything. i'm the one who is in control of how i feel and other people can't manipulate me. it comes down to my issues and my feelings and my neediness and i need to awknowledge that rather than just leave this big empty space in my heart for someone else to attempt to fill. Its impossible to be happy with someone else if you can't first be happy with yourself. I get that now. I understand that me being unable to let go is due to my intense fear of rejection. But just because i understand that doesn't mean i can make myself feel differently. Everything takes so long. When trying to fill these ceaseless voids, its not logical to assume it will happen overnight. nothing happens over night. people constantly revert to bad habits without even realizing it. There was a time when i wasn't quite really to get off the tumultuous ride of unhealthy relationships. There were actually many times when i just needed to go around one more time. there was always a need to prove it didnt work out one more time. well the one more times have turned into years and the years have left me wondering if now i am really ready to break bad habits and let go of the safety bar of bad conscience and neediness and actually get out of the car. Ive warn the tracks down so far its hard to even think about going for one more ride without crashing and burning in a firey wreck. I need to step onto the ramp. I need to get out. I need to get back on my feet. its a step that i haven't been able to complete for years. there are moments in my life when i am overcome by the feeling of finally doing the right thing. though these are few and far between, it is still in these brief glimpses of light at the end of the tunnel that i have some (though substantially not much) faith in my future. Maybe i will start living for me this time. Maybe i'm really ready to give up this constant co-dependency. Maybe there is a reason that i am in this place right now. Maybe we are all where we are supposed to be and that is all we can ask of ourselves. I'm ready to start believing that there is more to life than abusive and unhealthy relationships and friendships full of deceit, betrayal, and deception. There is a glimmer of hope; a silver lining that i failed to see for so long. Maybe nothing gold can stay and that's the point. Its not about forever really. Maybe gold is nature's hardest hue to hold, but that doesn't mean the other colors don't provide something. Maybe the gold is there to tell us that everything is cyclical. Even if life isn't working right now, it eventually will be okay. Because the changing seasons always lead back to fall and the gold is a prevailing constant of autumn. Maybe nothing gold can stay, its true, but maybe nothing gold can really ever leave either. I'm still light years away from knowing who i am and what i'm supposed to be doing in this life. I know i will never have all the answers because they don't really exist. Is everything just haphazardly and chaotically happening around us and to us everyday? are we just atoms randomly running into eachother. I don't know if anyone will ever be able to say with certainty if everything is connected or random. Opinions are like assholes, everybody has one. Right now im okay with just being who i am where i am.

I was going to just write a post about fate. And i had about a paragraph done when i realized i wasnt really in the mood to write about fate. Instead i would like to say Mazeltov to high school realationships. the good, the bad, and the ugly all deserve a bit of thanks and appreciation. without these relationships there is no way i would be the well adjusted almost 19 year old typing this right now.
From day one there were lessons to be learned and there was much room to grow. I never really saw myself as the wise-beyond-my-years type, and it would be wrong to say i do now. I just can tell that upon reflection, my high school relationships were each experiences that needed to be had in order to grow up. It is true to say i didnt always take the most direct route to emotional growth and maturity, but the road less traveled may have helped more than hindered in the long run. Ive also realized its impossible to do everything right on your own. the subjective opinion and view of the self is much less approachable than the objective outsiders ideas. that being said, it makes sense why everyone always feels compelled to talk about everything else. Gory and unnecessary details run rampant in the whispering voices of high school hall ways. For my own benefit, i'm now going to try to sum up what every major high school relationship taught me.



From Greg i learned that i needed to have self-confidence in order to allow myself to feel anything other than pain and anxiety in a relationship.


From Carter i learned that i'll never be able to think as abstractly or deeply as i think i can.


From Steve i learned how to trust, to forgive, and to understand my need to learn how to be myself without a relationship. or at least without such a demanding relationship.




The moral is that high school relationships suck you dry but they are a necessary evil in growing up. In a few years ill be able to look back at the nights i spent crying and laugh because it just doesn't matter like it used to. I understand that i've only been at school for a semester so how could i have such a definite opinion? but ive been collecting and developing these opinions for years even when i was physically in high school and mentally trying hard as hell to escape. There is no easy way out. and the only way to finally get to the person you are always trying to be is to follow the scenic route. Short cuts don't really exist in the game of life. Its not possible to just skip certain steps. In the end, every experience means something- whether it is good or bad. adolescence teaches us what we need to know in order to successfully function in society as adults. everyone is always in a constant war with themselves over how much of themselves to give and how much to keep. Its a futile battle of chance and it only ends when one person meets someone else who can talk about the things that no one ever would and understand how much to give without having to think.

the human heart endures and that is all that i can really be certain about at this point in my life.

If there's one thing that depresses me more than anything else, its getting ditched, or completely blown off. Its just so useless. If someone doesn't want to hangout, why cant they just flat out tell me instead of all this maybe this maybe that bullshit. Im not going to cry over it. I just dont understand why people do all the maybe this bullshit and then it obviously (and always) ends up being no. I'm listening to bright eyes and feeling sorry for myself and this is the only place i can really vent because i know no one actually reads it. if i say shit on my stupid livejournal i know people won't get it or wont empathize.


Its hard for me to know exactly what i'm feeling right now. I think the christmas spirit is fucking with my heart. Actually, i know it is. I was all good to go until today and for some reason i've just felt depressed since 5 pm. i'm confused. "if you love something give it away."




So what am i thinking? im thinking im never going to find the right person. because with the right person, i dont fight, i dont argue, i dont get annoyed, i dont get annoying, i dont get worried, and i can trust. these things havent all come in the same package yet. Maybe that doesn't really exist. Of course i've been thinking about harrison since i found these old pictures. i dont think theres ever a point to thinking about him. theres never a question that needs an answer or a problem that needs to be solved. then i think about steve and the track ive dug in my mind from running in circles.




I've come to accept that it just never really works out the way you want it to. Even if you don't think you like someone that much, it still hurts to be unwanted. whatever im not even trying to feel sorry for myself. im just reflecting on why shit bothers me the way it does. not like i really need an excuse or explanation for myself. tomorrow i just want to go downtown with courtney and forget about getting ditched and forget about the feelings i try to make myself feel or try to deny i do actually feel. i want to forget about going to school and and everything standing in my way. i don't want to think about the rest of my life being worse than my life so far. i dont want to think about the fact that i go through friends like water. i just want to forget that i can't buy my friends with christmas presents and more gifts wont make them stay. i dont want to feel vulnerable or depressed or dependent. i want to appreciate everything i experience so why is it so hard for me to do that? why cant i? i dont think i'll ever be done wondering why its so hard for me to be happy.




Maybe we like the pain. Maybe we're wired that way. Because without it, I don't know; maybe we just wouldn't feel real. What's that saying? Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop.

Step outside and listen.
As you cut through the tension,
the world is crumbling down around you-it's found you.

When you woke up yesterday,
there was nothing left for me to say to you
because you wanted me to be true.

When all you feel is pain,
and somehow things have changed I'll be coming home to you.
When I forgot to call,
you knew it all,
it was coming down on you.

Will you still be waiting,
that's something I can't ask you to be.
Will you be still waiting for me?
I'm waiting for you and something is wrong,
but I just can't put my finger on it.

You never listened and you'll never listen now,
you know what I'm about,
but is that sufficient?
Do you hear the words I say?
It hurts when you talk that way.

You say you'll listen cause you'd like to live together lives...
How can you say that I'm supposed to stay when you talk on to me that way?
Oh come on.
I can't see what's supposed to be,
but if you trust me it might turn ok.
What are you gonna say?

ps. thanks for blocking me.

remember when your grandpa died and i wanted to go to the funeral or wake and you said you didnt want any of your friends there. Then matt called while i was at your house and you gave him directions?


Do you remember that? Because i remembered that last night and realized no one who really loves me would ever do that to me.

So next time you're wondering why i wont give you another chance, you can remember that.

I'm so pissed off and sad. You make me so upset and i don't even know what it is. Just talking to you gets me really upset. and i should be studying for a test i have tomorrow morning but now i cant because i cant stop thinking and being upset. god you dont get it. you cant just have everything your way.

today i studied.

I like Rilo Kiley.

I drank a starbucks double shot and was able to stay awake through history.

I miss soccer. I like to read books. My mom sent me a package and hopefully ill get it tomorrow. Packages on my legs and my arms for you. packages packages packages.

today i dwelled on keiko for at least an hour total if you add all the little comments together. Maybe i should just get over it. What pisses me off is that shes the one who fucked up (literally) and now she doesn't even care about the friendship. like at all. like she has totally moved on completely. and thats a little annoying to me. i considered her my best friend and now what the fuck. whatever. im done with that for the night


In other news: I still cant stand my roommate. and i hate Syracuse just as much as i did the moment i stepped foot on this campus. I'm scared to visit wellesley because i don't want to jynx it. OKay if my roommate wouldn't eat nasty food in my room every god damned day for every goddamned meal maybe things would be different. oh wait no they wouldnt because shes still an idiot.

I need to write to post secret.

I cut my toe today. Its bled through 2 band-aids already.


Don't even get me started on Stephen.



RIP Buckwheat.

"You were right when you said all that glitters isn't gold
You were right when you said all we are is dust in the wind
You were right when you said we're all just bricks in the wall
And when you said manic depression's a frustrated mess"
-built to spill

"this won't work now the way it once did
and I won't keep it up even though I would love to.
once I know who I'm not, then I'll know who I am.
but I know I won't keep on playing the victim."

alanis

"you need to know this even if you dont want to hear it...im sorry for keeping you from the person you wanted to be when you were with me. im sorry for always holding you back. im sorry for never opening my eyes until now. im sorry for not always going to the movies with you. im sorry for not being with you sooner when i was with angela. im sorry for treating you horribly when i was with her. im sorry for sleeping in that one day during the summer of sophomore year. im sorry for not being able to give you the freedom you needed until now. im sorry for making you read this and making you feel bad. im sorry in general for being too late. and i mean everything i just typed. i truly do."


Its okay.

steve you drive me fucking crazy and if you think fucking around with other girls is the way to win my heart, you are in for quite a shock. so go ahead and do whatever you want. i need you to understand us notbeing together has nothing to do with love, because i love you. you know i do. but it can't work with us. its too stressful and its not rewarding to either of us. its draining and hard and we shouldnt be in relationships like that ever, let alone when we're 18. so i;m sorry. i would hate to think of you with someone else and thats what makes this ending so hard. knowing that eventually we will both move on. its hard to imagine right now, but when i do, i get really upset. like when you dated angela. i just about died. i know youll probably mess around with a lot of people to get over me or something liek that. i dont plan on doing that. its not how i deal with my issues. i dont know what to say to you anymore. im crying just thinking about it. its crazy that this is happening but it was bound to happen someday. i know you love me and you always will and i want you to know that i will always love you, and i will carry a piece of you with me forever. i wish you nothing but happiness in the future and i hope you find someone who can give you the relationship that you deserve. you were my best friend for 3 years and ill never forget that. we had a once in a lifetime bond and i know you'll think of me on random days for no apparent reason at all. and i want you to know that i will be doing the same.

all my love
and all my heart
forever yours
audrey

I took a survey but it didnt really fit. so whatever.

xX Red : Anger Xx
are you currently mad at someone? yes
which of your friends has the worst temper? steve
whats the meanest thing you've ever done? eh i dont know. ive done a lot
have you ever thrown something at anyone? Yes
does your face turn red when your angry? No
when you're mad do you prefer to stare angrily or yell and scream? yell and scream

xX Orange : Excitement Xx
has anyone ever threw you a suprise party? yes! when i turned 15!
are you easily excited? yes
what event is coming up that your most excited about? Crab Lake
which of your friends is most exciteable? Joanna i think
If you won a million dollars what would be your first thought? "awesome"
If you could have anything right now what would it be? A swimming pool in my backyard and a badass speedboat for the lake.

xX Yellow : self discovery Xx
Full Name? Audrey Claire Billhymer
Where were you born? Hoffman Estates
Whats your main goal in life? To love my job
What do you value more friends or family? family because they won't try to get your boyfriend to cheat on you with them
Do you want to have children? Yes
How do you want to die? peacefully

xX Green : Opinions Xx
Sex before marriage? why not?
Gay Marriage? i'm down with it
Lowering the drinking age? no people are too stupid
Capital Punishment? Nooo
Abortion? Prolife
Recycling? definitely! it rocks! haha

xX Blue : Dreams Xx
What was your latest dream? i dont remember.
Which of your friends do you dream about the most? steve
Have any of your dreams come true? no, thank god, they are fucked up
Do you usually remember your dreams? i remember vague ideas
What was the weirdest dream you've ever had? like wheeling myself around Frost in a computer chair... it was weirder than it sounds... i think...
What was the best dream? i dont remember

xX Purple : Love Xx
Straight, Gay, Bi? Straight
Do you have a boyfriend? yes
Do you have a crush? on steve
Who was your first kiss with? that Vince guy from Forsworn. haha no really it was. 6th grade.
Who is the best "hugger" that you know? hmmm matt probably
Do you believe in Love at first sight? maybe

I don't want to go to syracuse by myself. i don't want to start over. i don't want to be the only person i know there. i don't want to be myself. i don't want to hate where i am. i don't want to let go of this relationship. i don't want to suffer through not knowing what is going to happen. i dont want to listen to everyone telling me its not going to work. i dont want to hear about peoples problems. i dont want to go on pretending im so compassionate. i dont want to spend time with anyone but steve and keiko and a few select others. i dont want them to go to school so far away from me. i dont want to be 860 miles away from steve. i dont want people to keep telling me that my college experience will be "what i make of it" and that it doesnt matter where i go. i dont want people to sound somewhat put out when i say im going to syracuse. i dont want my family to be more excited about my best friend going to brown than me going to syracuse, granted it is more exciting. I dont want to keep not wanting things.

I want to live more, i want to laugh more, i want to take things less seriously. i want to be less emotional. i want to be on my own. i want to decorate my dorm. i want to meet my room mate. i want to have a good time at college. i want steve and keiko to have a good time at college. i want to get cool stuff to bring to college. i want this relationship to work. i want everything to work out. i want to be happy where i am. i want to carry mase with me nexxt year. i want to learn to paint. I want to go to the beach this summer. I want to go to Crab Lake. I want another puppy. I want to read more books (all the classics). I want to write steve and keiko emails everyday next year. I want to be optimistic about my future. i want to figure out what i want to do with my life. i want to have fun this summer. I want to stop thinking about college.

When we were apart I thought of nothing else.
From October to April.
Now I know you felt the same.

I miss theatre. A lot.

I'm looking for the date when we began.


So long ago.


And my feelings have only gotten stronger.

Here's to being sappy.. I love you.

Your love is better than ice cream.

Happy birthday, my little bindlestiffing sniggler. I've cooked you a fresh eel and tramp.

I love you oh so well. Like a kid loves candy and fresh snow.
Thanks DMB.

Bring on the porn and cigars... and... lotion?

Lets golf all summer. I'm really going to a Pro this time.

I'm completely in love with you, stephen.


"I can't take my eyes off of you. I can't take my mind off of you."


You'll always be my konstantine.


Happy easter tomorrow.
audrey

On the way home, this car hears my confessions.
I think tonight I'll take the long way.
In this weather, the wind outside is biting.
It's left me feeling tired and exposed.
You've been asking me to bleed.
It seems these kinds of questions, they come too easy to you now.
And your lack of shame comes naturally.
I should not be surprised. I should have seen it sooner.

Expect me to apologize for things that you've done wrong.
But you're inciting others.
You're owning up to nothing and I wish that I was gone,
cause you're not going anywhere.

And this damp air it's fighting my defroster.
My sighs they ring victorious and fog this tinted glass.
And it's clouded and so is my head.
The hint of these new tears are sharp I try to choke them back.
But it's useless. I am useless against them.
They are beating me with ease.

Potential Soul Mates:
-Ryan Purcell
-Chris Brady
-Holden Caulfield
-Steve Newby

Who i will marry:
-Ryan Purcell





I hate my life right now.

I always bend to meet your expecations. My back is hurting not just from that but from where you stabbed me. You were never really my friend, i see it clearer now. People don't treat people the way you've treated me, its not even human let alone friendly. Love is patient and love is kind, why don't you read corrintheans and rethink your so-called love. because over here in my so-called life, its tiring chasing you around or running from you. I gave you everything i had, including my heart and there are only so many times that i'm willing to lay everything down knowing all the while that i'm going to end up hurt. You tell me i'm selfish. well this is me saying i'm not. this is me saying that for once in my life i'm putting myself in front of you. For once i'm thinking of whats in my best interest. for once i'm living for me and not for you. i'm not going to sit here and tell you i hate you because that's not true. I love you and always will. but i'm never coming back. and i'm sorry if it takes you this long to realize everything, and in a way im more sorry if you never realize it. but the cycle of abuse has got to end and youre not going to be the one to stop it. so live your life and i'll live mine. and you're right, you are an asshole. but you don't care enough to change. and as much as i'd like to be, i refuse to be friends with assholes. and i guess in the grand scheme of things, 2 years isn't really that much time. i've been stalled for months waiting as patiently as i could all the while dying on the inside and you call me selfish. its just not worth it so this time im walking away and i'm never going to turn around.


What have i become? Truth is, nothing yet. A simple mistake starts the hardest time.

I'm listening to the ataris and this must mean an all time low. When im depressed i shop and my wallet knows no bounds.

"2000 miles between us and I guess that I'm the one to blame. relationships and heartaches, these two things are one and the same. the radio plays a love song. I smash my fist right through the dial. here's to the broken hearted. a generation born in denial."

I'm commited to insecurity and you. and love is overated. it leaves you devastated- heart ripped in two."


I'm sorry but i can't talk to you anymore. I'm on detox.

I'm listening to the ataris and this must mean an all time low. When im depressed i shop and my wallet knows no bounds.

"2000 miles between us and I guess that I'm the one to blame. relationships and heartaches, these two things are one and the same. the radio plays a love song. I smash my fist right through the dial. here's to the broken hearted. a generation born in denial."

I'm commited to insecurity and you. and love is overated. it leaves you devastated- heart ripped in two."


I'm sorry but i can't talk to you anymore. I'm on detox.

I still love stephen.

I think relationships are more about timing than anything else.


i have really bad timing.

I love you. Someday we will find eachother.


Noises off was fantastic. I loved this show. the cast was incredible, i couldn't have asked for anything more. I'll miss it forever. I dont know if i'll ever really do theatre again. i've left my heart in the carl weimer auditorium.

I can't ever seem to find the blue dot.

I can't do this forever. I'm tired of being your fairweather friend.

I'm going to be a platinum blonde.

You take me for granted. Stephen.


What have I done? It's too late for that
What have I become? Truth is nothing yet
A simple mistake starts the hardest time
I promise i'll do anything you ask, this time.


I cant continue this way. Its breaking my heart and its ruining a friendship. You can call me when you want to be friends again, if you want to be friends again. But make sure you mean it.

You take me for granted. Stephen.


What have I done? It's too late for that
What have I become? Truth is nothing yet
A simple mistake starts the hardest time
I promise i'll do anything you ask, this time.


I cant continue this way. Its breaking my heart and its ruining a friendship. You can call me when you want to be friends again, if you want to be friends again. But make sure you mean it.

I came home from school at 730 this morning. I feel sick.

My life is a joke.

I have no idea when i will make up this Bio test. i need like 2 hours free.

I hate high school.

Virginia let me in.

Boston, where are you?

please don't make me send my first semester grades.

"This is getting over you."

I am almost confident that steve could answer 95% of these questions correctly. With that being said, here is another pointless survey.


What is your full name: Audrey Claire Billhymer
Spell your first name backwards: Yerdua
Date of birth: 2.14.87
Male or female: female
Astrological sign: aquarius
Nicknames: Aud...
Occupation: professional menace to society. haha
Height: 5'8-9
Weight: Last year in gym i was about 145 so we'll just say that
Hair color: light brown
Eye color: blue
Where were you born: hoffman estates
Where do you reside now: schaumburg
Age: 17 for one more week!
Screen names: deerbandits
E-mail addy: staticprevails72@yahoo.com
What does your screen name stand for: hahahaha. long story and inside joke with my mom and courtney from washington dc/virginia. "the bandits probably punched it out." "oh, deer!"
Pets: Baby Axle!
Number of candles you blew out on your last birthday cake: 17
Piercings: well... i guess 2 in each ear. i just repierce them for dances.
Tattoos: i don't have any. Amor Vincit Omnia.
Shoe size: 9.5
Righty or lefty: righty
Wearing: woodland animal pants with soffe shorts and foo fighters t-shirt with ae green fleece
Hearing: At the Drive-In
Feeling: tired
Eating/drinking: nothing but im thirsty

Guys/Girls/Love/Kissing/And Other Stuff
Have you ever been in love: yes
How many people have you said it to: id say 4
How many people have you been in REAL love with: 2
How many people have you kissed: um. like 8-9? a normal amount? right?
Have you ever kissed someone of the same sex: yes
How many people have you dated: id say like 5 really
What do you look for in a guy/girl: sense of humor, intelligence
What's the first thing you notice about the opposite sex: eyes
What type of guy/girl do you usually go for: The kind that don't stay
Do you have a crush right now: yeah
If so who is it: stephen
Do you believe in love at first sight: i guess its possible
Do you remember your first love: sure i do
Who is the first person you kissed: vince guiliano
Do you believe in fate: yeah
Do you believe in soul mates: yeah
If so do you believe you'll ever find yours: i hope so

Family Stuff
How many siblings do you have: 1 brother eric
What are your parents names: mark and linda
How many siblings does your mother have: 3
How many siblings does your father have: 2
Where are your parents from: Salt Lake City Utah and Janesville Wisconsin
Is your family close: Maybe i dont know
Does your family get together for holidays: yeah
Do you have a drunk uncle: no
Any medical problems run through your family: not really
Do you have any nieces or nephews: no
Are your parents divorced: no they are not
Do you have step parents: no
Has your family ever disowned another member of your family: no
Did some of your family come to America from another country: they did somewhere down the line, obviously.

Music Stuff
What song do you swear was written about you or your life: there are so many lol. Right now- Jimmy Eat World- Kill, but usually, Saves the Day- 3 miles down
What's the most embarrassing cd you own: i sort of like them all
What's the best cd you own: transatlantism
What song do you absolutely hate: eminems new songs
What song reminds you of that special someone: it seems like every song but Elvis- I can't help Falling in Love with You. Eric Clapton- Wonderful Tonight

Okay, I Name An Artist And You Give A Lyric From Any One Of Their Songs!
Pink: youre just like a pill instead of making me better you keep making me ill
Aerosmith: hey, j-j-j-aded you got your mommas smile but your yesterdays child to me
Madonna: hey mr. dj put a record on i wanna dance with my baby
Korn: im feeling like a freak on a leash, feeling like i have no release
Backstreet Boys: you are my fire, the one desire, believe me when i say that i want it that way. tell me why!!
The Beatles: baby you can drive my car i guess im gonna be a star baby you can drive my car and baby i love you
Sublime: mucho gusto me llamo bradley and i am hornier than ron jeremy

Favorites Color: green blue
Food: i hate this one its so hard. i just dont knwo right now
Song: Konstantine, weezer- say it ain't so, hey girl live.
Show: emergency vets
School subject: english
Band/singer/artist: saves the day
Animal: i love them all
Outfit: jeans and a hoodie preferably BC or RBF
Radio station: 97.1
Movie: The Princess Bride
Pair of shoes: birks
Cartoon: some weird japanese one that keiko watched
Actor: John Cusak
Actress: Natalie Portman and Scarlet Johansson
Potato chip: hmmm. lays definitely, no ridges!
Drink: strawberry kiwi gatorade
Soda: diet coke
Holiday: christmas
Perfume/cologne: anna sui- sui dreams
Pizza topping: almost all
Jello flavor: lime
Lunch meat: turkey
Card Game: spoons
Video game: DDR max 2!
Website: www.virginia.edu ha. hahaa.
Book: The Notebook, Fool on the Hill, Catcher in the Rye
Computer game: spider solitaire?
Number: 21
Cereal: oh's
Comedian: Brian Regan
Dessert: i love everything
Disney character: Lumiere and Clocksworth
Clothing store: American Eagle and Urban Outfitters
Past time: friends
Teacher: MADDOX!!!!!!!!!
Childhood toy: the doctor kit? or Sarah the doll.
Carnival game/ride: tilt-a-whirl
Candy bar: hmm almond joy
Magazine: i dont really read them... people?
Salad dressing: bleu cheese or... thousand island
Thing to do on the weekend: be with friends, i.e. keiko
Hot drink: lattes
Season: summer
Sport to watch: i know you'll think i'm lying, but, golf. it grew on me accidentally.
Person to talk to online: grant and dave are always funny

Your Bedroom/Sleeping Habits
What color are your sheets: light blue with weird flowers
What color are your bedroom walls: laguna blue
Do you have posters on your wall: Marilyn Monroe and a Kissing the War Goodbye
Do you have a tv in your bedroom: yea
How many pillows are on your bed: 3 if you count the weird little fish one
What do you normally sleep in: shorts and cami or pants and cami
Describe your favorite pair of pajamas: soffee shorts with old navy white cami
What size bed do you have: twin
Do you have a waterbed/bunkbed/daybed: pretty much normal
Do you have your own phone line in your bedroom: i used to but i never used it so no.
Describe the last nightmare you had: something to do with being late for school
Do you sleep with stuffed animals: not really, axle eats them
How many people can comfortably sleep comfortably in your bed: two if they spooned
Do you snore: no
How about drool: more than im really comfortable admitting
Do you have an alarm clock in your room: my tv is an alarm
What color is the carpet in your room: "cotton tail"
What's under your bed: drawers

This or that
loser/wannabe: loser
Doughnuts/bagels: bagel
Day/night: night
Make love/have sex: make love
Coffee/tea: coffee
Hamburgers/hotdogs: hamburger
Rap/rock: rock
Britney/Christina: britney lately
Swiss cheese/american cheese: american
Silver/gold: silver
Nike/Adidas: adidas 4lyfe!
McDonalds/Taco Bell: t-bell
Sweet/sour: sweet
Punk/emo: emo
Hot/cold: hot
Winter/summer: summer
Spring/fall: fall
Operas/plays: plays
Read/watch tv: read
Cd's/tapes: cds
Dvd's/vhs:dvd
Shorts/skirts: skirts
Pink/red: red
Colored pictures/black and white photos: depends. i like black and white though.
Meat/vegetables: vegetables
Mexican food/chinese food: mexican
Commercials/infomercials: commercials
Scary movies/comedies: comedies
Bikinis/one piece bathing suits: bikini
Sandals/tennis shoes: sandals
Dogs/cats: dogs
Water/land: water
Sugar/spice: hmmm right now im in the mood for sugar.
Black/white: white
Chicken/beef: chicken
Colored christmas lights/regular white christmas lights: regular/white
Cars/trucks: trucks
Popcorn/pretzels: pretzels with cream cheese
Passionate kiss/peck: passionate
Back rub/foot massage: back rub
Picture frames/photo albums: picture frames
Pens/pencils: pencil, mechanical pencil.

What Is Your Opinion Of The Following
Eminem: old stuff good
Virgins: are cool
God: is great
Religion: i have it
Valentine's Day: is my birthday
Homosexuals: are my friends.
Abortion: murder is wrong
Inter-racial relationships: why not
Murder: see abortion
Death: happens to everyone
Obesity: sucks for the most part
Pre-marital sex: i cant say right now
Terrorism: who likes it?
Pornography: whatever works
Fortune Tellers: illogical but i would believe them
Threesomes: i'm not feeling it
Prostitution: that doesn't sound hot either
Politics: are important
Country music: yes
George W. Bush: i will always vote the party. i love him.
Cloning: as conservative as i am, i think stem cell research is important.
Britney's boobs: are pretty perfect looking
Gas prices in America: it is what it is. i want a hybrid.

When you try so hard to deny it, why would I tell you that I do love you? I'll never really know what you want from me.

Bright Eyes and now I understand. I feel worse but then I always can.

the kitchen is cold
but the coffee is warm
and the suns coming up
the day has just begun
and your already bored.

bored of cheering me up
bored of calming me down
bored of drying my eyes
but there once was a time when you were the one.
you were the blue of the sky
you came after the storm
you were the switch on the wall
in the dark of the hall
im still fumbling for.

cuz im lost in the black
i dont know where I am.
arms stretched out in front
im calling your name
just as loud as I can
I know theres words that we will never speak
and the questions cant be answered easily
but I wanted to be easy so

nod your head if the plans have changed
shake it, love, if they've stayed the same
smile at me and I will stay
start to cry and I'll go away
just please dont leave me guessing.

so you made me come
then you sent me away
like a messenger bird
so I circled the earth
blown away in the wind
but I always returned
with some new little song
some sad story to tell
of a breif love affair
with a girl I compared to you and she failed

you said you dont want me to beg
then you said get down on your knees
cuz you knew that I would
if I do any good satisfying your needs.
and I know all about those things we cannot speak
and just so you know well they dont bother me
so you dont have to be worried

just nod your head if the plans have changed
shake it, love, if they stayed the same
smile at me and I will stay
start to cry and I'll go away
just please dont keep me waiting
just nod your head if your mind's been changed
shake it, love, if some hope remains
just say the word and of course ill stay
roll your eyes and Ill go away
just please dont leave me guessing.
just please dont keep me waiting.

I haven't written anything in a while. Days even. Altered state of mine with an altered perception of life. If optimism was water, i would be the dryest desert.

I'm glad I have people I call friends. If it were up to me, I'd never have to miss you.

Now that I've lost everything to you
You say you wanna start something new
And it's breaking my heart you're leaving
Baby, I'm grieving

But if you wanna leave, take good care
I hope you have a lot of nice things to wear
But then a lot of nice things turn bad out there

Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world
It's hard to get by just upon a smile
Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world
I'll always remember you like a child, girl

You know I've seen a lot of what the world can do
And it's breaking my heart in two
'Cause I never wanna see you a sad girl
Don't be a bad girl

But if you wanna leave, take good care
I hope you make a lot of nice friends out there
But just remember there's a lot of bad and beware

Baby, I love you
But if you wanna leave, take good care
I hope you make a lot of nice friends out there
But just remember there's a lot of bad and beware

If i had known then that these things happen, would they have happened with you?


I have nothing interesting to say. Today was just a day. I'm scared of school tomorrow. Hold me before I fall asleep. Let me know you remember who I am.



I am finally seeing I was the one worth leaving.