at every occasion, i'll be ready for the funeral

i'm sick of you calling other girls fat.


i also owned my physics quiz (!!!)

It all comes back to poland

Polish or Polish?

Pollock or pollock?

I love English. Mostly because of its complexities. of course, I haven't started studying for the GRE yet so that very well could change. I'm annoyed that the Royal Veterinary College requires the GRE Bio subject test but ill probably take it anyway just because I would like to go to a royal school.

During Scrabble tonight, I got 44 points off of "query." And it doesn't even seem like a real word the more I look at it.

I want to run the Marathon for the anticruelty society but I'm scared of not being able to raise the required $1,000. But I guess its really not so much. Especially if I can ask people at work. I'm sure that will go over realllllly well. I can't believe 45k people registered to run in barely over a month. I'm actually excited to start training again and I think I'm going to run 6 this Sunday just to get things rolling. Of course my knee started aching as soon as I typed that. I need to register for a half or 2 in the meantime. Ew.

I am the poster child of psychosomatic illness.

Complete and total dejection

There are some days when I feel like maybe I'm interesting enough to pull this all off. But most of the time I don't even have the energy for the pep talk let alone the idiocy to believe the shit I would tell myself.

Liberals gone wild!

If you don't know what "collective bargaining rights" means, please shut the fuck up about Wisconsin. I appreciate the fact that a conservative governor is actually making conservative decisions and not just placating democrats.

Gin will make you sin

I'm obsessed with 4runners. I need to own one.

familiarity breeds contempt.

"What's past is prologue." Once you've broken your relationship into a thousand pieces [after a thousand sleepless nights and a thousand unsuccessful compromises] not only is it hard to put back together, but its hard to remember what it looked like whole. or if it ever was. once the initial smoke screen of naivete evaporates, is there anything behind it? Its easy to believe that you have the same [dreams, needs, goals] before you've really defined them. I feel like there are now too many variables to solve for. how do you solve a problem when only one person believes it even exists?

are we writing our epilogue?

Yes, i keep diet cokes in the same fridge as rabies vaccinations.

If you never thought it was possibly to be moderately wounded and cut by an ice cream scoop, I'm here to tell you that you're wrong. I have a nasty infection on my finger as proof that you can, in fact, cut your finger with an ice cream scoop while using it to get frozen chunky peanut butter out of the jar.

I was also attacked by a 6 month old bichon puppy. I'm like a walking wonder of the world.

And yes, I would use amoxy from the clinic if I knew the right human dose. I'm not quite naive enough to think I would take the same amount as a 130lb dog.

Um ya ya

One time, junior year, we went to the legion. I drank at least one pitcher of beer, lost my north face (rip), threw up all over the backseat of someones car, and was subsequently showered in thorson. I really was interesting at one point in my life.

I keep hearing cars outside my house, thinking they are matt, all the while knowing better.

No need to feign disinterest.

A night with me ends at 11:30 pm and a night with your friends ends at 5:30 am.

Why bother?

will the circle be unbroken?

villainize: [vil-uhnayz] (verb): the act of turning some into a villian.

no. youre right. its not a real word. but it should be. if E.V.O.O. is a real word now, villainize certainly deserves to be. there are a thousand things i wish i had the ability to say or express regarding my recently realized disenchantment. i'm so sick of fighting. that is the understatement of the century. thats like saying Brutus wasn't a good friend. i'm tired of being portrayed as selfish. i'm tired of feeling like i don't know what i would do without him in my life and being unsure of whether that's a good thing or a bad thing. i'm sick of crying all night, feeling like an idiot, and looking like shit the next morning. i'm tired of always feeling like i'm doing something wrong. i'm sick of feeling like an annoyance, like a hindrance, like a frustration. i'm tired of rejecting and being rejected. i'm tired of yelling and being yelled at. i'm tired of rolling eyes when i go for a run, when i work out, when i get done eating. i'm tired of pretending that arguing is the same as communicating. i'm tired of the expectation of instant change. i'm tired of the apathy.

i'm scared of moving forward. i'm scared of staying here. i'm scared of holding on. i'm scared of letting go.

thinking does not necessitate brilliance

i know this. this. this. constant thinking doesn't mean constant processing or even constant understanding. constant thinking prohibits these things from happening successfully. i.think.all.the.time. not brilliant thoughts, not even mildly intelligent thoughts. just obsessive and uncontrollable thoughts. in seconds i can create a new world to live in that is full of unrealistic situations that make me happy because they all involve me not ever having to tell anyone what i want, and everyone just knowing. i can transpose these new worlds onto the real world instantaneously and be immediately disappointed with the real world and its total inability to read my mind even a little bit. i think through my physics homework... about something... was it physics? i don't know. i think about my family being insane and i think about my dad and my brother thinking they know everything.... literally EVERYTHING about the world... the predictable and boring world. its almost a chore for them to carry out daily life when they are surrounded by the mundane, and everyone is so beneath them, and its just oh.so.fucking.tedious.

for a long time i tried to deny that there was obvious favoritism in my family. and for a long time after that i tried to pretend that it didn't matter and that i was over it and old enough to not care anymore. at first, way first, way back first first first, i thought i was the favorite. it always seemed to fit. i had qualities that other parents i i knew would have valued. i had qualities that would have been favored by other parents. the funny thing was that i was so incredibly wrong about my family for so long that when i finally realized how wrong i had been, i still refused to admit it.. mostly out of shame for being so dedicated to believing my lie.

the truth is that i'm boring. i'm predictable. i'm vanilla. i'm moody and irritable. i follow rules. i study. i get good grades. i cry when i don't. i eat healthy. i don't really like to cook. i enjoy romantic comedies. i appreciate logic. i like reading books on the ny times best sellers list. i like having things. i like chocolate. i am the antithesis of interesting and i guess that probably is pretty hard to favor. yeah i do spend a lot of my time feeling sorry for myself but this is strangely enough, not one of those times. i'm really ok with who i am as a person. BUT truthfully, i will never be like Eric and my parents will never think i'm quite as witty, quite as innovative, quite as creative, or quite as brilliant as my brother. because i do give a fuck about an oxford comma.

i still see value in the world. i appreciate kindness.

running?

Today's run was awful so I guess its a good thing I'm working out again with my mom in an hour. I don't want to take my physics hw quiz, so I'm really going to put it off until 10pm. Sometime in the near future, I'm going to have to start running more than 4 miles at a time. Especially because I told myself I would run one more half marathon before I start training for THE marathon, just to make sure everything felt good and capable. I also really hate running in races where I know anyone else running. So I might go back to indianapolis or maybe madison for this half before I get ready for the extreme social anxiety of the Chicago marathon. when i have a really crappy 4 mile, i start to doubt all possibilities of finishing a marathon. i definitely need to train for a half starting next week. i'm excited and annoyed at the same time.

ALSO jillian michaels- 6 week 6 pack- level 2 is NO JOKE. its really hard even though i have no semblance of a 6 pack and therefore am continuing to call it 6 week no pack. Either way, i'm about to go get my no pack on.

best.cake.ever.

Chocolate Cake with Caramel-Milk Chocolate Frosting.

 where would i be without Bon Appetit? i plan to make all 26 of the "let them eat 26 cakes" piece.

on a lighter note

valentine's day is kind of a cute holiday and i do miss getting valentines even though they were usually written by everyone's parents. i wish my birthday were literally any other day. it would make this holiday a little more tolerable. either way, i'm excited to actually see my valentine tonight. and i'm actually having a non-german chocolate cake again. last year i had a chocolate cake with ganache frosting and a cherry chocolate mousse layer, but i was disappointed in it. in my heart i wanted to go back to german chocolate but i resisted and found this other chocolate cake that will hopefully be more promising than last year's. i wish i could spend valentines day with Matt instead of in various labs.

in other news, Portlandia is kind of getting more and more disappointing with every episode. sad.

its my birthday; ill cry if i want to.

Birthday morning organic chem lab write ups are not fun. i should be sleeping or going out to breakfast or something. my dad still hasn't said happy birthday yet and he's been up for half an hour. wah wah wah. monday is the lamest day of my week and therefore incredibly lame for a birthday or valentine's day. i don't get done with class until 9:35pm and that means no going out to dinner, which is why we went to lincoln park last night for pizza and the trip to icream alone was worth it. i really need to remember cinnamon ice cream with graham crackers and bananas. that is choice. sad that we won't be able to do these things when matt moves out but entirely worth it. i just hope it happens within the next month or so. although when you're waiting on FAFSA it might not happen until the summer, which is ridiculous. its lame that my dad tries to get me to eat pancakes every day of the week EXCEPT on my birthday, when i would be willing to have them. any break from this fucking lab report. plus i didn't write down how to calculate the theoretical yield for this experiment and now i have no idea. i know i said i would rather be in organic again than physics but now i just don't know anymore! NEITHER.

Ok...

maybe i'm too mean. dinner was really good. i've had too much alcohol this weekend.

that's hot

i'm wearing my retainer. i'm super bloated. at least i showered today.

working on being- what unbearable lightness?

according to weather.com it is currently 10 degrees outside but feels like -8. according to my phone its 7 degrees. and according to the thermometer in the kitchen its 11. there is no consistency in temperature or anything else. how am i supposed to prepare for my life with so much variability? how am i supposed to get through with my life with absolutely no certainty? IS EVERYTHING GOING TO BE OKAY? the lack of answers will give me ulcers. i've conditioned my body to believe every change in my "plan" is literally the end of the world. even if that change is as stupid as getting stuck behind a train for 25 minutes. have i always been the person who commits the felony of crossing the tracks before the gates go up because i just CAN'T wait any longer? i don't think so, but apparently i am now. i don't want to accept that the person i am now is who i am destined to be. i really don't hate surprises. its hard creating a life plan for yourself that requires every single aspect go your way in order to be successful. well its actually easy to create it, but its much harder to follow through. because of all the variability. because people aren't constant or consistent and even the most perfect life plan is uncertain if there are people in it. but i don't hate people. and i don't hate surprises. i just hate the fear of not knowing. 

the final realization that there is nothing unique about you, nothing unique about your dreams, and nothing unique about your talents is a challenge to accept. and i haven't accepted it yet.

"It was always half invented
but the other half was good."
jimmy eat world

lives of quiet desperation

why am i still awake? i can't sleep because i switch between scenarios of potentially returning the shoes i bought and regretting it and my psychiatrist being mad because i haven't been there in so long. is there a limit on how many psychiatrists can be prescribing you drugs at any given time? i want to just switch psychiatrists all together to avoid this disastrous situation i've created in my head.

i don't even know if these shoes fit or not.

daily internal monologue of anxiety

i have an almost-panic attack every night. i go through a list of things in my head that i may or may not have forgotten to do and then convince myself that i did, in fact, forget to do them. I'm worried that my psychiatrist won't see me anymore because i don't take my welbutrin everyday and have lapsed so much that i should have needed a refill months ago but haven't. i don't know how to explain myself in this situation. i don't know how to feel anything but guilt and panic about it. i no longer have test anxiety alone, but anxiety about everything.

did i lock the door of the clinic? did i put the "closed" sign out? did i call everyone back who needed to be called? did i give out the right meds? did i chart those meds? did i relay all the important voicemails? did i do my online homework? did i finish all other assignments? are my lab partners going to print out the graphs for the group or should i remake my own?  did i study enough for physics? am i studying enough for physics? if i studied more, would i understand what was going on? is physics going to prevent me from getting into vet school? did i actually feel good on my run today or was i just running at a slow pace? will i be able to run a marathon? will i set a time goal for myself even if i say i'm not going to? will i be able to prevent myself from setting a time goal? have i gained weight? can people see it in my face? should i start asking professors for letters of rec now? will they even remember me? am i applying to law school this fall too? will i do poorly on the GRE since i didn't do very well on the SAT? is this my calling? should i be doing something else? should i order the solutions manual for my physics book even though it only has answers to the odd problems and costs $60? does everyone in my class understand tension but me? is there more to tension than i think there is or less? does everyone in my class understand everything better than me? why is our homework grade based on a quiz grade? why is everyone always trying to give quizzes? has my anxiety over tests and quizzes gotten worse? should i have taken this at northern? will anyone take into consideration the fact that i didn't cheat to get whatever grade that i got, that i didn't just memorize old exams? does this mean anything to anyone anymore or just me? does it even mean anything to me or am i just jealous of everyone who got an A by cheating? is law school actually hard or just boring and tedious? why haven't i called uic about micro for the summer? why do i always put everything off until its too late? should i be getting my nursing prereqs too? should i be a nurse? why am i still scared of cats? what if i don't get into law school either? what if i have no safety? what if i don't get into vet school? what if i don't get in? what if i don't get in? what if i don't get in? is it just me or do none of the examples in the book apply to any of the questions at the end of the chapters? do i drink too much? do i just make up mental illnesses for myself because i'm bored or am i actually psychologically unwell? did i forget to go to the farm? is everything ready for PADS? am i doing a good job? am i busy enough? if i have time to run 3 mornings a week, should i actually be taking another class? how do you stop an anxiety attack from spinning out of control? is it normal for my chest to hurt? am i making that up? am i a hypochondriac? is there an end to this madness?

except my life, except my life, except my life.

Mine smell like honey

School sucks this semester. Nothing annoys me more than not understanding the material. Or matt saying "aboo boo be boo." Ugh I'm grinding my teeth just thinking about it.

Today's run went surprisingly well.

I registered for the Chicago Marathon a few days ago. Evidently, I'm an idiot.

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.

Tonight, in physics, I had the terrifying realization that I would rather be doing orgo.

A small part of me dies every time my professor says to the class "that's pretty intuitive, right?" And I think "no?!"

24 in 2 weeks. Valentine's day seems especially annoying this year.

massive ear infection

i may not care enough to fix my typos, but at least i recognize them.

additionally, fuck physics.

cheers!

A non-western medicine approach

Patient presents with an ear infection. Antibiotics not available. Prescribes gin.

Hope, possibly

Today I gave someone advice for her dog's diarrhea and it worked! She didn't even need to come in/talk to Fla. I feel competent... for now.

I really want a milkshake.

Am I crazy?

Uneventful

Yesterday was day one of not eating any gluten.

I also saw a Corsica with a Chicago bulls bumper sticker.

Living the dream

enough is enough

audrey and the magically disappearing handle of gin.

desperately seeking creativity

i'm always embarrassed to tell people i majored in English because i'm constantly worried that they are thinking,

"how?"

good question.

at least once a week i have a very real fear that i am bi-polar. i'm worried that, in the process of building a case for my own sanity on the fact that steve was/is actually bi-polar, i missed some huge detail about myself. i've yet to catch  myself in a manic phase though, so the initial fear usually subsides rather quickly. i just feel like i'm missing something that everyone else knows. maybe i'm just paranoid after reading the double bind.

GAD, BDD, ETC...

so fly like a prius

physics totally sucks. i thought i would be able to somehow make up for my organic grades by getting A's in physics I and II but now that doesn't seem so realistic. If i don't get an A in organic lab i will be really disappointed. On the bright side, i should have no problem locking one down in stats. Grades are really all i care about. At least i'm honest. I went 4 years thinking "grades don't matter" and "i'm better than a GPA." Unfortunately, i was very wrong. in fact, grades are really all that matter (when applying to grad school)... well grades and test scores, which are really just fancy big grades. speaking of which, i have to take the GRE this summer and my mom wants to drop another grand on a Kaplan class. Clearly this woman has no faith in me, and with good reason! Plus, this is probably the most important test i will take in my life thus far. I'm pretty sure she is just worried about another ACT incident (3 29's in a row and never a 30) or LSAT incident and having a barely sub-par score prevent me from getting into vet school. Although, in all honesty, there are many sub-par aspects to my resume/application, GRE aside. Everything i'm putting out there is on the low end. the only thing i'm on track with is my prereq GPA but with the way physics is looking, even that may flounder. All the more reason for a Kaplan class, apparently.

I keep saying "if I can get to the interview, maybe I have a chance" but now i'm not even sure about that AND how do i get to the interview?!!? and therein lies the rub. I don't even really want to apply to law school with vet school; its so much workkkkkkkkkkkkkk. Well that's enough of that. I apologize in advance for my likely inaccurate quoting of Frost but i don't feel like looking it up.

The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,
but I have promises to keep,
and miles to go before I sleep,
miles to go before i sleep.

the dreaded winter run

getting ready to go for a run in 24 degree weather is an painstakingly long process filled with layers. and even at my most layered, i still feel cold for most of the run. maybe the last 2 miles are ok. the first 2 are awful. also- i didn't do any of my orgo prelab, which i just realized is like reading a chapter of a text book rather than a lab manual. ugh.

I really think I'm hilarious

god football is fucking stupid.

JOSIE

Truly the only thing i want for my birthday.

My So-Fat Life

First of all, what a stupid title for this post right? I think I've decided to start a new blog, or maybe just commandeer this one by posting many variations on the theme of my own psychosis. I decided today, while talking to myself in the shower, that I'm more than slightly psychologically off-balanced. The cool thing about it is, I don't even really have to try to make my internal monologue sound crazy. I'm relatively vocally uninhibited as it is, but if I got all Faulkner about it and just started typing my own personal stream of consciousness it would blow yo fuckin mind. I can't believe i just wrote "fuckin" instead of "fucking," but it seemed appropriate and even looking at it now, I think it would be wrong to change it.
As I write this, I'm realizing it would be impossible for me to ever write a book. I'm already sick of the idea of writing about how fat I think I am. But that's not entirely true. I know i'm not literally fat. Rationally, I can look in a mirror and see that I'm not fat. BUT I'm not at my "goal" weight. And at this point, I've realized that my "goal" weight will always be about 7 lbs less than I currently am. This is totally lame because I know I will never be satisfied with how I look. I'm working on it though! I'm also so lazy; I just wish blogger was like Word and automatically capitalized all my i's for me. Since all i really I write about is myself, it would save a lot of shifting. I I I I I. how much more self-centered does it get?! Ugh now I think I'm fat AND selfish!!!! hahahahaha. SS! and now i think the whole idea of a fat-when-not-fat book is totally cliche and annoying. I'm annoyed with myself for even coming up with that idea. i guess i'll just keep going to therapy and hope i can get better and actually get accepted to vet school so i'm not forced to start looking into my own insanity for a potential book deal in order to build my resume.
So i guess its a good thing i didn't start a new blog since i just hatched and killed my new idea all in one post! HUZZAH! i don't think its possible to abuse the exclamation point. or maybe it is! Today at work someone asked me when the "big day" was. Wrong hand, buddy, but thanks! His dog was named Axel too but it was much uglier than my precious IXY. and he was just a total weirdo to boot. Now i feel bad for calling his dog ugly but i just don't like springer spaniels (along with countless other breeds)!
In other news, i think i waste about 3-4  hours of procrastination for every 1 hour of productivity. Fabulous! I can't wait to do my physics homework! i bought nice shampoo and stopped using Kirkland brand, i feel better already.

terrifying calculations

If my estimates are correct (which they aren't; they are too low), by the time I graduate from vet school I will owe, with interest, over $215,000 in loans. If I pay it off over 10 years, I will be paying about $1,800 a month. If you think this sounds like the cost of a house and the monthly mortgage payment of that house, you're right! So, by the time I'm 40 I will...

1. Have no cash
2. Have no savings
3. Have no house
4. Have a 2004 Honda Accord (which will be about 23 years old at this point)
5. Have no debt (hopefully)
6. Have a dog (because I can't afford kids or fit them in my little old car)

Things are really looking up! And I just dropped zoology like a bad habit. Thank God.

Bad idea

How am I so busy and still not done with prerequisites? How am I continuing to justify 7 years of undergrad? If I don't at least get an interview somewhere I'm going to be so annoyed. I definitely need coffee and sadly will not be able to get any before class. I wish Axel could let himself in and out of the house and shut the door behind him.

I want a westie!

When I move out, I'm definitely adopting a westie. Soooooo cute.

I guess I'm going to go run 4 miles in this slushy sloppy snow and then pick up some coffee and meet my boyfriend at school before class! What a novelty! Seriously. I'm so over wandering campus alone all day in the middle of nowhere dekalb.

Is winter over yet?

Dear spring semester,

You really better be easy.

Love,

Audrey

And school commences...

I drink far too much tea and chew far too much gum.

Hot tottie

Everyone's sick. My goal for this year, not to be confused with resolution, is to be more positive. About myself, my life, my future, everything. I think this important.

I don't want to turn 24. Or the rest for that matter.

Ode to oscar

All the little mystery mix dogs that are just happy and easy to work on make all the awful giant mean dogs worth it.

All ugly dogs of the world automatically attain cute status if they are nice.

Bad weather and a bad attitude

I hate exercising when I have my period.

So much bloat!

Places i MUST try

Hopleaf

Hotchocolate

Hot dougs

Frontera grill

Art of pizza

Girl and the goat

Joe's stone crab

One of many keys to a successful relationship

Don't passive aggressively take stabs at your partner through your Facebook status.

I dont believe in isms, i dont believe in me

Afterall, I'm not the walrus.

I'm never really sure where my life is going or why its going in the direction that it is. Eventually my parents will die and I will have to come back to the Midwest to be closer to the cabin. Or I will have to sell it. If I come back, it will not be to Illinois. After I leave here, I never intend to come back. I don't like anything about Chicago. I don't like its inaccessibility and I don't like the people. If there is any Midwestern city that I can imagine myself in, its Minneapolis. I don't ever plan to go to a high school reunion. I don't ever plan to care enough. I'm actually amazed that I have so many friends on Facebook from high school. In fact, i hate Facebook for allowing these people to keep tabs on my life when they are not even remotely a part of it.

I care less

I'm not my body or how I choose to destroy it.

You like me better when you're drunk.

You like me better when Im not here. The ideal me is so much better than the real thing.

Its nosebleed season!

Does shoveling poop count as cardio? I'm so sick of Facebook and completely ridiculous staus updates ex. "My dad is having a colonoscopy tomorrow. Pray for no polyps!" Though this is true, 1. It is totally inappropriate for a Facebook status and 2. Am I really asking people to pray for my dad's colon?

What has happened to the world? Is it Chicago? Is it the US? Is it everywhere? I don't know if this sharp decline of civilization is a recent event or if I'm just recently catching on. Is it the school system? Why is it so much harder to become a doctor than a teacher? Illiteracy has become an epidemic in America and it has left us with a grave prognosis. That's so fucking cliche and so fucking true.

Who am i

I saw a Guy running the other day while I was out running. We turned down the same street at the same time and I ran my last half mile balls out so I could beat him. I did beat him. After I stopped I didn't know if I should be embarrassed or proud because I'm sure he had no idea we were racing.

This is all strange because I always hated being active at recess and I figured out how stupid "tag" was at a very young age. I feel like I was always it because I was just too lazy to run around.

Gum and coffee diet

Hating yourself is a motha fuckin full time job.

I also can't wait for my room to be legitimately completed.

Ready for summer running

I guess I'm running the Chicago Marathon this year. I just need to start training again and lose this holiday weight.

Too much svu for one day

I need to get out of this hole of a house. Kumas and blackhawks game Wednesday. Msp Thursday thru sunday. I hope this all turns out to be fun.

Happy new year

Sometimes I act suspicious just so he will ask what I'm doing or who I'm talking to.

Dolphins have culture

The new year is a stupid holiday.  I don't want to celebrate the dawning of another year closer to 30. Its annoying when people say things like "2010 was terrible, I hope 2011 is better." It wont be better, its a whole year. There are inevitably bad things that will happen over the course of 365 days.

I don't want to go get drunk, get sick, throw up, get mad, yell at people, argue with matt incoherently, piss matt off, die in an ice storm, and then have no one come to the funeral because Im an angry drunk.

Lets get wasted and show the world how cool we are!

You can judge all the world on the sparkle that you think it lacks

You can stare into the abyss, but its staring right back.

Please don't blow your anals on my shirt

Every post from 2007 is a horrendous cliche. But man do things change.

And the only thing about time that seems to be flying is the amount of it that I spend poor.

Thor is such an appropriately toolish name for a butthead German shepherd.

Fitter happier more productive

When given an ultimatum,  its hard to pick the person because he/she gave you a fucking ultimatum.

Leave all your love and your loving behind

I don't think ill ever be happy with who I am. Oh well.

Picadillo

I can't stop saying things are cute.

Assertiveness

I feel like I have to sensor everything I say. I can't talk to you about anything that is important to me or worries me. I need space. You say I'm not assertive but what's the point? You're bringing me down. You're negative all the time.

I want to be able to talk about my insecurities without feeling belittled. I don't want to feel emotionally drained after every argument.

And eating healthy is not an eating disorder.

Stoked for kumas

Its weird how much our society loves movies

Down and out

I need to get out of illinois.

I really need to delete my Facebook.

Awesome

I can't wait for Christmas to be over.

Who gives a fuck about an Oxford comma?

Tomorrow I want to work out, skip work, and spend money I don't have.

I do.

So dark

Its cold and pitch.

Tonight I will make experimental smores cupcakes.

Eric's home. Praise the lord!

Woops

I spent $88 on ornaments from crate and barrel.

Today a dog peed on me before we euthanized it. I guess I deserved that.

My ignorant american thought of the day

Re: Salman Rushdie

"It would probably be pretty badass to have a fatwa out on you."

I'm glad I didn't actually say this out loud to anyone.

Just end already

I hate studying.

drunk amazoning

salman rushdie- the satanic verses
saul williams- the dead emcee scrolls
saul williams- said the shotgun to the head
saul williams- s/he


woops.

at least i got free shipping. i need to get an amazon visa. i don't know why i have an american airlines mastercard. lord knows i don't go anywhere.

said the shotgun to the head

"With or without a belief in God, all kisses are metaphors decipherable by allocations of time, circumstance, and understanding"

"Come, my love, we have oceans to sail"

saul.williams.


there aren't enough books, words. there aren't enough moments. not enough quiet, noise. not enough pause. not enough forgiveness, patience. not enough cliches. too many cliches. not enough common sense. too much self-proclaimed brilliance. ego-tryst.

answer the first one first

i don't know what kind of idea i am.

who is the lamb and who is the knife?

there must be something else that i'm supposed to do with my life. i just don't know what it is. im so fucking sick of this.

im not even sure if i like animals anymore.

i thought that i used to be clever and lost it, but after reading posts circa 2004, i realized i actually never was clever. just angsty. sad realization. but those seem to be going around lately.

Feel better!

I miss everyone  throwing up while walking through the little ceasars drive through in winona.

I miss the dead silence while we ate our hot and readys.

I also miss hung over breakfasts in winona and northfield.

Things I miss about stolaf:

1. Bag lunches

2. Caribou Fridays

3. Everything about the cage

4. Pause pizza

5. Watching at least 2 episodes of friends before studying every day

6. Being able to go to the library and study with my friends

7. The trek to lot I/j

8. Pretty buildings/interesting classes

9. Going to target almost everyday.

10. THE CAF!

im sick of busy weekends

all this mature talk about cohabitation only to 180 when things dont end perfectly later on
..

which is real?

really brilliant

grow up.

It ain't me babe. It ain't me you're looking for.

in the end, i can see myself not being what you want. right now though, i don't know how close you are to figuring that out for yourself.

i am a truly boring person and i'm ok with that. i don't live on the edge of anything. i care about money and stability and my future and my career. i think about where i want to be in 10 years. i'm not spontaneous. i would rather own a house than be married. i don't know if i'll ever be ready for the commitment of marriage. i'm not as smart as i like to think i am, or as clever, or as interesting. i'm disorganized and messy. i appreciate order, but not enough to maintain it. i don't have any problem with the 9-5. i don't need constant stimulation. i can't ever really stop thinking. most of this thinking is just me over exaggerating and over analyzing every interaction or conversation i have with anyone until i've beat it to death and no longer have any idea what the initial intent or meaning actually was. i rarely have anything positive to say about myself but i don't think i'm really that self-pitying or self-loathing. i guess more emotionally self-deprecating than anything else. i fit well into stereotypes and rarely defy them. i will always hate dressing well/getting dressed up/wearing anything other than sweatpants. this is the most annoying aspect of law school.

i'm already annoyed with this whole post.

In real life, no one chases after you.

Tlc overload

I thought our relationship would be easier with us both being students but I actually feel like we see eachother less.

In other news, there are 17.6 grams of fat in every Brownie with this recipe I'm making right now. Fabulous.

why is life so expensive

and will someone just publish this shit?

"what about that tighter more stylish h&m hoodie?"

do i belong on what not to wear?

talk about indecisive

i need to run more. i need to make excuses less. i need to rejoin bally. hopefully its actually just $20 a month. my knees hurt and i want to start swimming instead because everyone knows the eliptical is just a waste of time and does absolutely nothing as far as exercise is concerned. i really don't want to study for these tests tomorrow. i'm doomed. i hate studying in my house because i just come up with different excuses to eat things when i'm not hungry. i have to go to the library to actually get anything done without exceeding my daily calorie limit. maybe i will go to the library but that means i have to put jeans back on and i really hate that idea. plus people in the library aren't even quiet.

i really just want this semester and all future years of my life that are counted in semesters to be over.  i'm already sick of grad school and i havent even gotten there yet. im terrified to take the GRE. im terrified to retake the LSAT and score lower than i already have. i don't know if its worth the money to take a GRE class.  linda wants me to take the summer off from school and just focus on the GRE. this idea makes a lot of sense but then in the fall i will be applying to schools and also taking physics and micro. plus i don't know if these places even accept micro that doesnt have gen. bio as a prereq. if thats the case i  might be dividing my fall up between schools AGAIN and that would just be awful.

my tentative plan right now is to see how i actually end up doing in  biochem. if i can pull off an A, then i will continue. but realisically i will continue anyway even if i get a B so that is kind of a pointless statement. I guess i also have to see how hard physics is before i plan to take the GRE. IF i do well in biochem and IF i do well in phsyics, i might not take a GRE class. but i probably will anyway. so if i take micro over the summer i will likely take it at UIC because it only meets 2 or 3 days a week and i can take the train and i don't have to go to dekalb. i can also take a GRE class over the summer if i do this. Then i would only have physics left to take in the fall while i'm applying.

The problem is i need to take the GRE relatively early because my score will determine whether or not I take the LSAT again. If i don't do extremely well on the GRE, I will retake the LSAT. i might even pay for ANOTHER LSAT class. I absolutely need an RX for atavan before any of this goes down. I need to get in touch with professors re. letters of rec.

but right now i have to work on getting 100s on these tests tomorrow. because i think that is the only choice i can actually make today. but first im going to procrastinate and literally draw a flow chart of the next 12 months.

Nobody likes you when you're 23

HP7 with Eric and Linda

My hair is a nest

It really is.

Can I get out of work already!?

I've got nothing clever to say.

I need to go to the podiatrist soon since Courtney has pretty much assured me that I have horns growing out of the tops of my feet that will likely necessitate below the knee amputation.

I guess I do exaggerate more than the average person.

fml

this summer i will be taking the GRE and also most likely retaking the LSAT. im sad about this. im sad that i didn't do well on it the first time and i'm sad that taking it again isn't going to make much of a difference. im just sad in general now. i thought this whole thing would be a more positive experience that reaffirmed why i'm doing what i'm doing. instead it makes me second guess everything and start to seriously consider career paths i never thought i would want/need to. I would rather be 200k in debt and graduate with a JD than 200k in debt and fail out of vet school because i can't keep up with the material. i honestly don't know what i was thinking. i don't even know what science is. I'm really running out of ideas. and i'm starting to think i can't get into any type of grad school anywhere. in which case, i have no idea where to go from here.


Vet

1. Illinois
2. Purdue
3. Minnesota
4. Oregon State

Law

1. Lewis and Clark
2. University of Oregon
3. University of Utah
4. Seattle University
5. Denver
6. IIT-Kent
7. Gonzaga

risk management

now that it is almost impossible for me to get an A in Biochem, i have definitely decided to apply to law school and vet school at the same time.

lame.

If i get rejected from both, i will be totally lost.

Am i annoying or what am i?

I don't really like going trap missing. Because I'm certainly not shooting anything.

Barnaby's pizza is so good!

Why is this fat Guy hovering around the car while I sit in it? And why does autocorrect capitalize "guy." How many people could there possibly be named Guy that would warrent it being more reasonable for autocorrect than the normal noun. I'm certainly not friends with any "Guys" and I definitely wouldn't ever be If they pronounced it "geeey"

Boo

I will not register for the GRE until I get my grade for biochem. I just refuse.

I will wait up tonight hoping to hear you come in the house, even though I know you never will.

Final straw

For the record, I would always come back after a fight.

Trippingly on the tongue.

I love when Vince Vaughn Does warm ups before his Joseph performance in 4 Christmases by saying "red leather yellow leather." I wish I majored in theater. Just as impractical as English but more fun!

I want a gingerbread latte!!! Ill have to go run 3 miles so I can justify it.

But first I have to fail this biochem test. Lewis and Clark law here I come!!!

Sick of it all

I swear if I don't get at least a b in biochem I'm applying to law school. This time I mean it.

1:58

Annoyed but glad to be done.

Tin man

I don't want to run this half Marathon tomorrow and if I don't beat my last time (1:57:23) by at least 10 seconds I'm going to be annoyed.

26 degrees here I come.

Prereq ridiculous

I'm glad I don't meet Harper college's reading prerequisite for microbiology when I have a BA in English. I hate academia. When I send you my transcripts, FUCKING SAVE THEM!

A.d.i.d.a.4r.

All day I dream about 4runners. And what it would be like to have a car with 4 doors and 4 wheel drive. 4444444!


Also- awesome about alexi losing!

political interest or unrest?

its nice to see so many people interested in politics even if they are misguided democrats who believe "mom on a mission" is a legit campaign slogan. hahahaha. go vote!

Stop hitting my car

I really just want a 4runner. I think a steel bumper would look kind of stupid on my accord.

Haitus?

Halloween is always really lame. Next year I am going to be Annie Hall. Because I'm just so into Menswear.

Half marathon in 5 days. If I don't improve by at least a minute I'm going to be annoyed but defintiely not surprised.

Don't feed your dog Kibbles N Bits. Don't feed your cat Alley Cat. These are both very pathetic excuses for pet food. If you can't afford Iams, then you can't afford your animal.

Who wouldn't want to publish this brilliance?

i no longer remember what exactly is important to me.

free shipping free shipping

now that my ipod is charged i really have no excuse for not working out. especially since ive had so many everclear mixed drinks in the last 2 days.

courtney what do you want for christmas?

the more you look at the word "Utah" the less it makes sense.

frye boots. frye boots. frye boots.

text conversation with eric from last night-
eric: i found one [jacket] i want its on your wall.
me: well come up with some more stuff cause that's only $20
eric: how much more do i need to spend to demonstrate that i'm an effective consumer whore?
me: ok...


i demonstrate my effectiveness almost every day. i hate myself.