daily internal monologue of anxiety

i have an almost-panic attack every night. i go through a list of things in my head that i may or may not have forgotten to do and then convince myself that i did, in fact, forget to do them. I'm worried that my psychiatrist won't see me anymore because i don't take my welbutrin everyday and have lapsed so much that i should have needed a refill months ago but haven't. i don't know how to explain myself in this situation. i don't know how to feel anything but guilt and panic about it. i no longer have test anxiety alone, but anxiety about everything.

did i lock the door of the clinic? did i put the "closed" sign out? did i call everyone back who needed to be called? did i give out the right meds? did i chart those meds? did i relay all the important voicemails? did i do my online homework? did i finish all other assignments? are my lab partners going to print out the graphs for the group or should i remake my own?  did i study enough for physics? am i studying enough for physics? if i studied more, would i understand what was going on? is physics going to prevent me from getting into vet school? did i actually feel good on my run today or was i just running at a slow pace? will i be able to run a marathon? will i set a time goal for myself even if i say i'm not going to? will i be able to prevent myself from setting a time goal? have i gained weight? can people see it in my face? should i start asking professors for letters of rec now? will they even remember me? am i applying to law school this fall too? will i do poorly on the GRE since i didn't do very well on the SAT? is this my calling? should i be doing something else? should i order the solutions manual for my physics book even though it only has answers to the odd problems and costs $60? does everyone in my class understand tension but me? is there more to tension than i think there is or less? does everyone in my class understand everything better than me? why is our homework grade based on a quiz grade? why is everyone always trying to give quizzes? has my anxiety over tests and quizzes gotten worse? should i have taken this at northern? will anyone take into consideration the fact that i didn't cheat to get whatever grade that i got, that i didn't just memorize old exams? does this mean anything to anyone anymore or just me? does it even mean anything to me or am i just jealous of everyone who got an A by cheating? is law school actually hard or just boring and tedious? why haven't i called uic about micro for the summer? why do i always put everything off until its too late? should i be getting my nursing prereqs too? should i be a nurse? why am i still scared of cats? what if i don't get into law school either? what if i have no safety? what if i don't get into vet school? what if i don't get in? what if i don't get in? what if i don't get in? is it just me or do none of the examples in the book apply to any of the questions at the end of the chapters? do i drink too much? do i just make up mental illnesses for myself because i'm bored or am i actually psychologically unwell? did i forget to go to the farm? is everything ready for PADS? am i doing a good job? am i busy enough? if i have time to run 3 mornings a week, should i actually be taking another class? how do you stop an anxiety attack from spinning out of control? is it normal for my chest to hurt? am i making that up? am i a hypochondriac? is there an end to this madness?

except my life, except my life, except my life.