In real life, no one chases after you.

Tlc overload

I thought our relationship would be easier with us both being students but I actually feel like we see eachother less.

In other news, there are 17.6 grams of fat in every Brownie with this recipe I'm making right now. Fabulous.

why is life so expensive

and will someone just publish this shit?

"what about that tighter more stylish h&m hoodie?"

do i belong on what not to wear?

talk about indecisive

i need to run more. i need to make excuses less. i need to rejoin bally. hopefully its actually just $20 a month. my knees hurt and i want to start swimming instead because everyone knows the eliptical is just a waste of time and does absolutely nothing as far as exercise is concerned. i really don't want to study for these tests tomorrow. i'm doomed. i hate studying in my house because i just come up with different excuses to eat things when i'm not hungry. i have to go to the library to actually get anything done without exceeding my daily calorie limit. maybe i will go to the library but that means i have to put jeans back on and i really hate that idea. plus people in the library aren't even quiet.

i really just want this semester and all future years of my life that are counted in semesters to be over.  i'm already sick of grad school and i havent even gotten there yet. im terrified to take the GRE. im terrified to retake the LSAT and score lower than i already have. i don't know if its worth the money to take a GRE class.  linda wants me to take the summer off from school and just focus on the GRE. this idea makes a lot of sense but then in the fall i will be applying to schools and also taking physics and micro. plus i don't know if these places even accept micro that doesnt have gen. bio as a prereq. if thats the case i  might be dividing my fall up between schools AGAIN and that would just be awful.

my tentative plan right now is to see how i actually end up doing in  biochem. if i can pull off an A, then i will continue. but realisically i will continue anyway even if i get a B so that is kind of a pointless statement. I guess i also have to see how hard physics is before i plan to take the GRE. IF i do well in biochem and IF i do well in phsyics, i might not take a GRE class. but i probably will anyway. so if i take micro over the summer i will likely take it at UIC because it only meets 2 or 3 days a week and i can take the train and i don't have to go to dekalb. i can also take a GRE class over the summer if i do this. Then i would only have physics left to take in the fall while i'm applying.

The problem is i need to take the GRE relatively early because my score will determine whether or not I take the LSAT again. If i don't do extremely well on the GRE, I will retake the LSAT. i might even pay for ANOTHER LSAT class. I absolutely need an RX for atavan before any of this goes down. I need to get in touch with professors re. letters of rec.

but right now i have to work on getting 100s on these tests tomorrow. because i think that is the only choice i can actually make today. but first im going to procrastinate and literally draw a flow chart of the next 12 months.

Nobody likes you when you're 23

HP7 with Eric and Linda

My hair is a nest

It really is.

Can I get out of work already!?

I've got nothing clever to say.

I need to go to the podiatrist soon since Courtney has pretty much assured me that I have horns growing out of the tops of my feet that will likely necessitate below the knee amputation.

I guess I do exaggerate more than the average person.

fml

this summer i will be taking the GRE and also most likely retaking the LSAT. im sad about this. im sad that i didn't do well on it the first time and i'm sad that taking it again isn't going to make much of a difference. im just sad in general now. i thought this whole thing would be a more positive experience that reaffirmed why i'm doing what i'm doing. instead it makes me second guess everything and start to seriously consider career paths i never thought i would want/need to. I would rather be 200k in debt and graduate with a JD than 200k in debt and fail out of vet school because i can't keep up with the material. i honestly don't know what i was thinking. i don't even know what science is. I'm really running out of ideas. and i'm starting to think i can't get into any type of grad school anywhere. in which case, i have no idea where to go from here.


Vet

1. Illinois
2. Purdue
3. Minnesota
4. Oregon State

Law

1. Lewis and Clark
2. University of Oregon
3. University of Utah
4. Seattle University
5. Denver
6. IIT-Kent
7. Gonzaga

risk management

now that it is almost impossible for me to get an A in Biochem, i have definitely decided to apply to law school and vet school at the same time.

lame.

If i get rejected from both, i will be totally lost.

Am i annoying or what am i?

I don't really like going trap missing. Because I'm certainly not shooting anything.

Barnaby's pizza is so good!

Why is this fat Guy hovering around the car while I sit in it? And why does autocorrect capitalize "guy." How many people could there possibly be named Guy that would warrent it being more reasonable for autocorrect than the normal noun. I'm certainly not friends with any "Guys" and I definitely wouldn't ever be If they pronounced it "geeey"

Boo

I will not register for the GRE until I get my grade for biochem. I just refuse.

I will wait up tonight hoping to hear you come in the house, even though I know you never will.

Final straw

For the record, I would always come back after a fight.

Trippingly on the tongue.

I love when Vince Vaughn Does warm ups before his Joseph performance in 4 Christmases by saying "red leather yellow leather." I wish I majored in theater. Just as impractical as English but more fun!

I want a gingerbread latte!!! Ill have to go run 3 miles so I can justify it.

But first I have to fail this biochem test. Lewis and Clark law here I come!!!

Sick of it all

I swear if I don't get at least a b in biochem I'm applying to law school. This time I mean it.

1:58

Annoyed but glad to be done.

Tin man

I don't want to run this half Marathon tomorrow and if I don't beat my last time (1:57:23) by at least 10 seconds I'm going to be annoyed.

26 degrees here I come.

Prereq ridiculous

I'm glad I don't meet Harper college's reading prerequisite for microbiology when I have a BA in English. I hate academia. When I send you my transcripts, FUCKING SAVE THEM!

A.d.i.d.a.4r.

All day I dream about 4runners. And what it would be like to have a car with 4 doors and 4 wheel drive. 4444444!


Also- awesome about alexi losing!

political interest or unrest?

its nice to see so many people interested in politics even if they are misguided democrats who believe "mom on a mission" is a legit campaign slogan. hahahaha. go vote!

Stop hitting my car

I really just want a 4runner. I think a steel bumper would look kind of stupid on my accord.

Haitus?

Halloween is always really lame. Next year I am going to be Annie Hall. Because I'm just so into Menswear.

Half marathon in 5 days. If I don't improve by at least a minute I'm going to be annoyed but defintiely not surprised.

Don't feed your dog Kibbles N Bits. Don't feed your cat Alley Cat. These are both very pathetic excuses for pet food. If you can't afford Iams, then you can't afford your animal.

Who wouldn't want to publish this brilliance?

i no longer remember what exactly is important to me.

free shipping free shipping

now that my ipod is charged i really have no excuse for not working out. especially since ive had so many everclear mixed drinks in the last 2 days.

courtney what do you want for christmas?

the more you look at the word "Utah" the less it makes sense.

frye boots. frye boots. frye boots.

text conversation with eric from last night-
eric: i found one [jacket] i want its on your wall.
me: well come up with some more stuff cause that's only $20
eric: how much more do i need to spend to demonstrate that i'm an effective consumer whore?
me: ok...


i demonstrate my effectiveness almost every day. i hate myself.

so Eliot was a chauvinist

"No! I am not Prince Hamlet, nor was meant to be;
Am an attendant lord, one that will do
To swell a progress, start a scene or two,
advise the prince; no doubt, an easy tool,
Deferential, glad to be of use,
Politic, cautious, and meticulous;
Full of high sentence, but a bit obtuse;
At times, indeed, almost ridiculous-
Almost, at times, the Fool."
T.S. Eliot


Does Welbutrin make me well?

its strange how things change

i see two lives.

Robert Frost- The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I marked the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

im sick of always going to school

i don't think i'll ever know how to do a job if you don't have to study for it.

eric went running with me!

let's go to the CL. thanksgiving at crab lake. unfortunately not in our new house because it doesn't have heat.

but it is made of logs!

also has been officially named TFC (even on our signs). which stands for The F Cabin. And the F doesn't stand for "family" regardless of what my mom tries to tell you. I don't know how i feel about this name. i haven't decided if its trashy or not. but i think its better than mark's idea of "Axel Acres."

After i created TFC, i regretted it because it caught on. Then i created "Annex Overflow" but no one seemed to like that, even though i thought it was significantly more clever.

also- the signs that say "Billhymer's TFC" (which doesn't even make sense, thanks big bill), are 6 feet long. Which seems huge because when you drive by them you would think 3-4 feet but they aren't. I think ill change them when eric and i inherit. at least i have like 30 years to think of a better name. or i just have to come up with something else for the TFC acronym. like billhymers tutti frutti cabin.

darling, I'm down and lonely.

right where it starts, it ends.


so sentimental. not sentimental, no.

do i believe in signs?

lately i've been sleep walking.

i seem to have lost myself.

hot coffee

I don't care who you are, even my darling mother, if you drive 45 in a 55, I will hate you. at least temporarily.

Also, what does it take to get coffee that is actually hot when you buy it? If it doesn't burn my mouth, I don't want it.

And I don't care who you are, even my darling father (who was raised in Utah and therefore is partially excused), if you say "I did good" I will hate you and think you are uneducated. or at least poorly educated.

Indy the Fatty

well if you have a dog with bad teeth, i don't recommend switching to science diet t/d. unless you want a fat dog with bad teeth.

i haven't worked out in a week. i need more time! where is the time!?

i don't really know how i'm going to take genetics next semester if you have to check on  your flies every six hours and i obviously can't drive to dekalb every 6 hours to do that.

"See Mom, I told you it was a girl"

I have changed my career path three times in the last 7 posts. kill me. Well its going to end up being one of them.

the title of this post refers to a comment this girl made to her mom as i was passing them while running around Volkening lake.

I still don't have my tattoo memorized

I'm excited about the Droid for several reasons:
1. it runs Android as an operating system rather than windows or linux.
2. FINALLY a cool and decent phone from Motorola
3. FINALLY a cool and decent Motorola phone on Verizon

is it still ok to say "cool"? i just reread that and thought it sounded really lame.

Thank god i opted for the one year contract on my current piece of shit toy phone.

This weekend is the ski and snowboard convention and i need to get new boots cheap. My permanent euro-frostbite is going to get annoying.

Matt is officially 23 and Courtney isn't far behind. The closer we get to 25, the more terrified i am of actually starting my life. Luckily none of us really have careers yet so i still feel like we are 20.

Someone at Northern called me an OLE yesterday when i was wearing my usual stolaf attire. I was so excited even though it was a 75 year old man.

June the horse died at the Heritage farm on Saturday. It was sad.

brilliance surrounds me

I will judge you if you can't even come close to finishing the Tribune's Monday crossword puzzle.

I will hate you for saying "I did good" or any variation thereof. by saying this, any moderately intelligent comments you may have made earlier are completely negated.

I don't even think I need to say anything about "I don't got nothing."

this is non-negotiable.


This phase of my life is less endurable than purgatory. Yes, that is a little dramatic.

why doesn't HBO want to buy my blog?

edit: i actually still want to go to vet school.

NIU class of 11!!!

the closer i get to starting classes, the less excited i am about starting this new chapter.

no i will not be done with school until im 29. awesome.

i can't decide if i want to turn matt's work life into a book or screenplay. either way, im writing something soon.

i want to train Indy to be a pet therapy dog.

i wish i were better at bowling.

i need to update this more frequently than every 6 months if i want someone to buy it and turn it into a miniseries. Unfortunately the content doesn't stray too far from major themes in my so-called life. since my years have been ones of angst to say the least. i need to find some redeeming quality in my writing that tops claire danes.

run neon tiger!

the more i learn, the less i know

i've learned a lot of things the hard way. what is the hard way? well, in my opinion, its doing your own thing despite objections, and then failing at it completely. I've fallen on my face with just about every significant endeavor i've taken on. Sometimes it takes me years to figure anything out. these are the some of the things i've "learned the hard way":

1. Not working hard enough in high school and getting rejected by my dream school(s)

2. Hating the school I chose and transferring away from Syracuse instead of to St. Olaf

3. Choosing a new school that is incredibly difficult and exhausting, thereby sacraficing any chance of good grades

4. Thinking i could be pre-vet and attempting a bio major while tanking my GPA in the process

5. Surrendering and becoming an English major, too late to save my GPA though

6. Working harder than i ever have during my junior and senior year in order to bring up my god forsaken GPA

7. Being too lazy to get a job or internship over the summer(s) and ending up with a completely blank resume and no experience in anything

8. Thinking i wanted to be a lawyer and wasting a lot of my parents' money on an LSAT prep class that didn't even really help

9a. Waiting until the second semester of my senior year to figure i want to go into nursing and therefore planning on getting a second bachelor's degree.

9b. Waiting until the second semester of my senior year to figure out i want to go into nursing and therefore aquiring at least $30k in debt in order to pay for the next 2 years.

9c. Waiting until the second semester of my senior year to figure out i want to go until nursing 2 weeks after applications were due for fall of 09 and realizing i have to wait an entire year to go.

10. Worrying about everything in my life and therefore losing my mind


I know a lot of these are about grades and bullshit. Grades are almost everything at st. olaf and don't let anyone tell you differently. I came to this school with the attitude that grades weren't as important as everyone made them out to be. That attitude doesn't work here. St. olaf has made me neurotic about grades and neurotic about everything in general. I've been consumed by the bullshit. I'm hoping someday to get back to where i was when i had my own ideas about what was important in the education system and what wasn't. Im trying to unlearn what this school has taught me about how to live my life. Someday i will get to where i am going. I doubt it will be anytime soon. i've made a thousand mistakes to get to where i am. I don't feel like i am any more sure of my identity than i was in high school. In fact, i'm probably less sure of who i am now than i have ever been.
I can, however, thank st. olaf for making me work harder and longer than i ever have in my life and hopefully making me more prepared for my future of more school.

so theres that. i guess i have that.

motorcyle drive by

my life is a mess without you in it to keep me grounded.

please.don't.be.done.

So hello where are we today
Still fighting, still running in place
And now the outline of this lake
Seems to be pointing me away
Honestly, I've never lied more
To myself all over the floor
Right through my teeth I've showed you
Just how weak my knees can get

Don't let go
my spine is slipping like a fault line
If I go, I'll bury us all
Don't close my door
don't leave me out with these mosquitoes
Trying to drink up all my wine

Do you wanna know what my love is?
Do you wanna hear how my song goes?
Do you wanna know what my love is?
Don't say no
Don't say no

So now it's up to me to wait
I need you to reciprocate
My heart is ticking like a box
Sent to me by anonymous
And now I'm scared to open it
I'm always blowing up to bits
I'm always running out of lives
Running out of time

Don't let me go, I'd fall apart
Don't say you won't follow my heart
I've kept this deep inside for far too long... it can't be wrong
Only one life to give, I cross my heart and hope to live
With you my darling here for evermore.

alkalinetrio

sit back and relax, enjoy the crash

Can anybody hear me? Is anyone out there?
I've fallen and I'm broken down, I'm dying over here
If anybody's listening, I hope you hear my cries
My will to live is wearing thin, I'm running out of time

i feel like my life is collapsing on itself all the time. i plan on not using my degree. i am trying to figure out what im doing with the rest of my life and i have no idea. i've never really had any idea. its true my ideas change weekly/monthly. there is nothing about me that is more consistent than my inconsistency. my friends are like a real life portrayal of mean girls. i just don't know how to handle everything falling apart. i'm quickly slipping back into the person i never wanted to be again.
i want to move away from chicago. i want to go somewhere where no one knows me. i want to start over. i want to run away from everything. my cowardice and inability to own up to my own decisions is killing me. i can't wait to leave minnesota. i need to learn how to be myself.
i'm glad my classes are bullshit this semester. im too exhausted to keep doing this work. i've done nothing but work so hard for mediocre grades for 3 years. even the easy classes require more hours of reading than there are available in a day.

just read your blog

its like we were never even friends.

in retrospect this is all very weird. i mean im glad youre over it and moved on though. i thought, as far as friends go, that i was a relatively good one. i guess i lied in the last post saying that was the only thing i was going to write about this.

im bitter. and i would never deny that.

oh well. i really can't wait to go back to school! i no longer have any desire to celebrate my birthday in minnesota so i guess its convenient that i bought a plane ticket during my first week in europe.

anyway im done now. good luck with future endeavors...

"im glad i have people i call friends"

insert famous oscar wilde quote

when things seem uncomplicated, they never are.

i don't really know how i feel. i guess i'm not mad. i guess i don't feel betrayed. but i do feel different. i guess its just a shock. i know friendships change all the time. its just weird when you have one best friend. just one. not 3 to choose from or fall back on when something goes wrong on one end. when you have only one and that friendship changes, and you can't look at it the same again, your whole life seems different.

i guess when you have 1 instead of 3, the one is really important. i can't imagine how easy it would be to deal with one altered frienship when you have 2 others that are perfectly intact. its probably not even very noticible.

and that is all im going to say about this bullshit that makes summer after senior year seem like yesterday. i guess it only makes sense really. i wrote a lot about this when basically the same thing happened with keiko so repeating all this for a different person would be redundant and its not worth the energy.

i guess i'm more upset than i thought. but i really only feel sad when i think about it a lot. so i'm trying to just not do that.

stole this!

So, what'​s your name?​
Audrey


And you'​re how old?
21. im a spring chicken.


Did it rain today​?​
No.



Have you ever dated​/​had a crush​ on a guy named​ Micha​el?​
ugh unfortunately i made that mistake sophomore year of high school but it was promptly corrected a week later.



Do you have a favor​ite TV comme​rcial​?​
i hate them all.


Would​ you rathe​r be calle​d hot, cute,​ or beaut​iful?​
beautiful


How many times​ have you gotte​n deten​tion in schoo​l?​
3



Do you have a littl​e siste​r?​
no



Do you like Taylo​r Swift​?​
no



Do you like to liste​n to the radio​ when you'​re in the car?
if i can get good ones. which means only chicago stations.



Do you own anyth​ing from Tiffa​ny & Co?
yeah. do i know where they are? no.



If you have a boyfr​iend/​girlf​riend​,​ how long have you guys been toget​her?​
17 months tomorrow. wow. thats long! no breaks! im a badass.



Tell me a fact about​ the last perso​n that texte​d you:
im driving 4.5 hours with her in 5 days! and we are eating awesome food! and she is my best friend. and she is the only one who reads this.


When'​s the last time you ate at Taco Bell?​
i wish 15 minutes ago but unfortunately its been like a year.


Have you ever been to New York?​
yeah for the worst year of my life!​


True or false​:​ Miley​ Cyrus​ is the most annoy​ing perso​n ever.
false, she has big gums that show when she smiles, like me!


Do you like to wear flip-​flops​?​
they are definitely better than any other shoe



What is your favor​ite salad​ dress​ing?​
bleu cheese.



Do you miss an ex boyfr​iend/​girlf​riend​?​
No.


Have you ever been to Disne​y World​?​
yeah. it was all lame except splash mountain. except when we went when i was 2 i apparently loved the dumbo ride.



Is your compu​ter a Dell?​
NEVER AGAIN!



Have you ever broke​n anyth​ing becau​se you were mad?
i crushed a lot of dried flowers. wow anger management here i come!


Do you like weari​ng headb​ands?​
no they hurt me.


Have you ever been in a long dista​nce relat​ionsh​ip?​
im in one now. they suck. get me back to schaumburg.



What was the last thing​ you ate?
a pear. ew. now im going to throw up, it was a little rotten.



Do you like the song Crush​ by David​ Archu​leta?​
no



Do you write​ in cursi​ve or print​?​
print. i had to write some statement in cursive on the lsat and it was so bad thats probably why i bombed it.


Have your paren​ts ever hated​ your boyfr​iend/​girlf​riend​?​
i dont know about hate, but they were concerned for my safety and his mental stability.



Who were you with the last time you went to the movie​ theat​er?​
Jaye



When'​s the last time you had an Oreo?​
i dont like them.



How old were you when you got your first​ cell phone​?​
14th birthday!



Who was the last perso​n to call you baby?​
Matt.



When'​s the last time you went to Wal-​Mart?​
ew who knows i repress those memories.



Do you and your best frien​d share​ cloth​es?​
well i take hers but she hates all mine. so i feel a little bad about that.


Are you happy​ with your life at the momen​t?​
very much so



What'​s the last thing​ you drank​?​
water



What time did you get to sleep​ last night​?​
1:20


Did you go outsi​de for more than 30 minut​es today​?​
maybe cumulative walks from buildings but probably not.


What'​s somet​hing you would​n'​t wish on your worst​ enemy​?​
Art 252 at st. olaf.



Do you think​ the drink​ing age shoul​d be lower​ed to 18?
morons are morons. i dont think it really matters.


Do you like Obama​?​
he's pretty nice and cares about the environment. so he's won me over.



Last sport​ing event​ you watch​ed on TV?
real world/road rules challenge.



Last thing​ that touch​ed your lips?​
the pear i ate


Is cheat​ing ever okay?​
absolutely not.



Waiti​ng on anyth​ing?​
the drive home on wednesday!


Are you pregn​ant?​
Not that i know of.


Did you brush​ your teeth​ today​?​
of course.


What book are you curre​ntly readi​ng?​
Great Expectations. Environmental Law and Policy.


Ever buste​d a lip?
yeah 4th grade. thanks a lot peter you jackass.


Have you ever cried​ cause​ you were mad?
i don't cry for much else haha.


Who was the last perso​n you smack​ed?​
i wish most of the student body at stolaf. but actually probably johnny the last time i was in winona hitting and kicking.


Who was the last perso​n of the oppos​ite sex you had a serio​us convo​ with?​
Ann or Matt


Who was drivi​ng the last time you were in a car?
Always me.



Do you have trust​ issue​s?​
obviously

best friends, ex friends til the end.

i still talk about keiko all the time. its like a bad break up that i never got over. i hope eventually i do. im sick of hearing myself talk about her. ive actually been sick of talking about her for the last 3 years.

i still talk about sarah too, which is almost worse. actually it is worse. yeah 6 years of holding a grudge!!

love ya!

i am so excited for this drive with courtney. ive been planning the meals for the last 2 days.

walking on eggshells

i don't know where to go from here.

two points for honesty

everyone has insecurities

but this isn't fair.

i don't see what anyone could see in anyone else but you

i like eating alone. its just so much easier.

i cant believe seth rogen was in donnie darko and as a fat bully side kick no less.

i'm watching The Savages instead of studying for the LSAT.

court you would like movie.

i have a stye. in my eye. sty?

whatever. i want to go home.

this movie hits too close to home.

also-a side note

in response to courtney's Sarah Palin bashing...

polar bears ARE endangered!!! THEY DONT HAVE ANYMORE ICE! im going to cry about this before i get back to Dickens. I don't even want to vote. they are both idiots.

ANARCHY IN THE U.K.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hate bill beckett but...

"Well the neighbors have complained damn near every night."

unfortunately the only thing i can really work out to or run to is the Academy and fall out boy. I just can't get used to calling them the academy is... so im not going to. I wish i didn't have lame pseudo-connections to these bands that showed me what assholes some of the members are. I could remain in blissful pop rock ignorance forever.

i saw my first roommate from sophomore year the other day. a moments glance ruined my semester. kidding. but i do hate her and i have never had so much pent up rage for a particular person.

in her infamous words as she walked out the door and out of my life, "I'm goin to Iowa."

absolutely beautiful and poignant on every literary level.

I have probably repeated that quote in at least 4 other posts but its so perfect and since courtney is the only one who really reads this, its more for her than anyone else.

McRib is back!

Now i'm just putting off my reading. I had all these creative things to say that i thought of on the verge of sleep last night (how stream of consciousness of me!) but now i forgot them all. It was probably just a series of witty insults to carrie stillman.

and yes i can hold a grudge like nobodys business. does this mean i'm not going to live as long as other nice people? where is the face full of jostons snl skit? i want to watch it now!

IRREGARDLESS!

i need new jeans. denim denim denim! why? i really just want to wear sweatpants all day for life!!!

also- i need start looking for a job for when i graduate in like 8 months? wow that is SICK! sick bad for sure. and its lame that the only thing they have here are MINNESOTA job fairs. I guess i should have gone to illinois wesleyan. oh well.

and carter dropped out of u of i? now hes in the parkland college or something network. i dont know but it sounds like a community college. whats up with that? (this was directed specifically to courtney, obviously)

dear god get this academy off my itunes!!!!!!!!!!!!!

August Premier 4EVA! where is that fucking hoodie? its been missing for about 6 years.

BOZ tattoo

I think I figured out what my first tattoo might be. totally uncomplicated and relatively small.

BOZ

its the pseudonym that Charles Dickens published under. Its cool because Charles Dickens is one of the most important literary figures of all time. Its also cool cause its short.

I have a ton of work today and also LSAT studying. this will be a boring day.

I promise you I'm doing the best that I can.

courtney is a better blogger than me. This is going to be a really tiring semester followed by another really tiring semester followed by a really tiring life. As my itunes shuffles from one bad song to the next i wish i could get back to a less stressful time of my life, but according to this blog, that point must have been before 2002 because nothing written in this describes the easy life of a stress free adolescent. Young adult angst has taken hold and i would be totally content to go back home after graduating and repeat this last summer for at least 3 more years. I don't know if my parents would actually kick me out but I kind of doubt it.

I don't understand why my mom calls me with absolutely nothing to say. example:

mom: hiiiii
me: hi
mom: i haven't sent the stuff you asked me to send yet.
me: why not?
mom: i keep forgetting the box at work.
me: oh
...silence...
mom: eric wants me to send him shower shoes
me:...cool. tell him to walk to target.
...silence...
mom: axle got a haircut today and he has a back-to-school bandana with school busses on it.
me: awesome...
...silence...
me: well...
mom: okayyyy well maybe i'll call this weekend.
me: ok talk to you later
mom: byeeeeeeeeeee


Effexor is terrible. I would never recommend it to anyone. I'm kind of psychotic without it, but at least now i can orgasm.

I'm a modern girl but I fold in half so easily.

You didn't ask me how my first days of classes went.

In the spirit of back to school

Since katie is in France and updating i thought i would throw and update into the mix because i am spontaneous like that.

axle has a new purple bunny stuffed animal that he loves.

Indy has evil in her eyes but i love her so much it doesn't matter. we've decided shes a jack russell/greyhound/other mix. the other has a giant tail because her tail is at least half to 3/4 the length of her body. she 10 months old. we think. who knows.

I hate the burger king commercial for the cheesy bacon tendercrisp chicken sandwich because the cow is really scary looking.

i made these cool picture frames that i'm going to put on my wall when i move in.

summer has been good and unproductive.

also Spike TV has way too many auto tech school commercials. Just because i'm watching CSI in the middle of the day and clearly unemployed doesn't mean i want to be a mechanic.

Matt is going to be a Firefighter. he's a really cute when he takes blood pressure and wears a stethoscope.

i spend most of my of my life thinking its a huge waste of time.

distance

something is missing and empty. did we take this for granted and then push it too far?

i know you a little less every day.

breakable girls and boys

i dont want to fight anymore. im too tired and sad.

i walk down streets in the middle of the night

"I have come to learn I'll only see you interrupting my dreams at night and that's alright."
Ingrid Michaelson

"If i didn't love you, i would have bailed on you a long time ago."

falling down a well

I fell a long time ago, or maybe not so long ago depending on how you look at it. Either way, I'm still falling. I don't know when i will land or if i ever will. I've been experiencing a total loss of motivation in all aspects of my life. I always start off so determined to turn my life around and take the road less taken. Instead i end up exactly where i always am. Maybe its my fate to fail at these parts of my life so that i'll be humble later on. I don't need that though. I'm humble already. Humble to the point of self-loathing. This has always been so. The few experiences i do have in my life seem to be constantly spiraling out of control. There is something wrong in my mind.

I am completely neurotic with no end in sight.

drifting

courtney is only 90 miles away but i feel like we are
drifting drifting drifting
my work never ends and my grades are never up
lifting lifting lifting
my weight is slowly rising and my hope is steadily
falling falling falling
the night is the loneliest because i know that no one is
calling calling calling

1200 greenvale ave

Jane Eyre is a good book so far and i feel like an idiot for not having read it already.

we must live in this little white and green house because it is the most reasonable and also so cute.

i wonder how this living situation is going to actually work out next year. i wonder who will actually live through the year. something tells me not everyone possibly can.

i dont want to go back to work tomorrow or quite frankly ever again.

i miss matt and would like to go home.

pain in my heart

ive been crying all night and cant stop

i wish things were different

theyre not.

you're my silver lining

tomorrow is four months.

it feels like forever.

it feels perfect.

i want to write to explain to the world that i'm not wasted potential. i want to write to let other people in the world know that they arent alone and that becoming the person you are destined to be is a full time job in darkness with not necessarily any sort of light at the end of the tunnel.

i want to know that i'm not the only one who wastes thousands of dollars getting mediocre grades and feeling completely insignificant in a world of determined and motivated people. i need to know that i will eventually get the hang of it even if i never really understand it. Right now i feel like im in limbo. im not a kid and im not an adult. im not an academic but i'm not a drop out. i'm from a family of literary genius and yet i can't write. i dont know if this really means i'm incapable of writing or if i just having found any successful methods.

my parents insist that i am not trying my hardest. and i guess its true i dont study every waking moment of my life. like right now, for instance, i'm writing in this instead of reviewing for an in class essay tomorrow. but i don't know how i can study when i just cant stop thinking about everything else. i would like to believe that other people have just as much trouble as i do with making it through the day. its not that i want to fail my classes. its not that i dont want to do well in every aspect of my life. but theres a ringing in my ears that doesn't seem to ever go away and i can't really see the world, let alone understand it, through all the noise.

trapped in the amber of this moment

there are a lot of things i wish i could do better. i feel like lloyd dobbler because i dont really know what i'm good at besides loving matt. i dont know how to feel about that because its something im really glad im good at. and if i can be happy and make matt happy, what else matters?

"What I really want to do with my life - what I want to do for a living - is I want to be with your daughter. I'm good at it."
say anything

also chaucer sucks. and i like to read important books but not his.

"The most important thing I learned... was that when a person dies he only appears to die. He is still very much alive in the past, so it is very silly for people to cry at his funeral. All moments, past, present, and future, always have existed, always will exist."
kurt vonnegut

The world works in mysterious ways

fuck UIC

cause afterall, you're my wonderwall

i can't wait to go home. i'm so excited to sleep in my own bed with axle on the floor next to me and matt coming over and going over to matts and it only being a 2 minute drive.

i feel sick to my stomach and also like there is a brick on my chest. i dont know what this is from but its bothering me.

the drive home is so nice and relaxing with court and at the same time my stomach is in knots and im so anxious and nervous.

i will come home to an empty house with only eric. this kind of is depressing but kind of nice at the same time. i think eric is the only person in my family who really gets me.

i keep forgetting to take my medicine and i think that might be a reason why i feel sick. i hate when i do that.

i'm also sick of eating hogan brothers and dont really want to anymore.

most people at st olaf annoy me and most customers at hogan brothers drive me insane.

Always do what you are afraid to do.

If i held this to be completely true, maybe i would go to Rome for j-term but i don't really count that because its so expensive and not really something i've been dying to do, though now i am afraid to do it.

im also afraid to write my chaucer paper but im conquering that fear as we speak. or as i write. which i guess im kind of not becaus eim doing this instead but i have my intro done. WOO. only like 850 more words to go!

as a junior and also an english major, you would think citations would be no problem for me but alas, i still get them wrong, almost all the time.

Go-Tarts are not filling. dont believe anyone who says they are.

im hungry.

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

its funny when you spend so much time taking care of other people when they are drunk and sick and then when you are you realize that theres no one there taking care of you.

thats actually sad not funny.

i dont really want to go to work tonight.

or write my chaucer paper afterwards. which is what my night's plan is.

home in five days.

i want your lungs to stop working without me

i lied before, i would marry you now.

"I felt you in my life before I ever thought to."
teganandsara

Gryffindor! hear me ROAR!

I can't wait to go home. I don't want to write this slave paper. I don't want to do any work at all.

katie= ravenclaw
sam= ravenclaw
natalie= ravenclaw
greta= hufflepuff
jaye= hufflepuff
ann= gryffindor
me= gryffindor

we ain't no slytherins.

i need a tattoo. i dream about them.

all eyes are on me now

we've got so many friends who wear their feet too big for their shoes.

i'm going to get a tattoo over winter break. i really just don't care about what my mom says.

my new month of minutes started on the 21st of september and as of today, the 2nd of october, i have already used 548 of my 700 minutes. yeahhhhhh this isn't going to work.

i just want back into your head. mis miss misss missssssssss you mattttttt.

Everlong

I just want to go home. St. Olaf homecoming is so dumb.

I'm glad it rained.

I wish i were with matt right now.

I rarely have anything profound to say.

College is getting the best of me.

hard to concentrate on anything but you

"You're a gem I'd never give away
if I lost everything I would hold you -
in my hands and open them every time I had the chance"
satellite party

you are the blood in my veins

its amazing how many times you can think of a particular person in one minute. its like how they say guys think about sex every 20 seconds or something well i kick that statistics ass with thinking about matt in general ever 10 seconds if not constantly throughout the day.

i drank too much tonight and then proceeded, obviously, to eat too much. this is the general way of things and i must work out tomorrow before work if i dont want to feel like a hobgoblin. i havent run in over a month and im starting to doubt whether or not its even possible for me to do so. im going to go to the gym and eliptocal it up just in case. that way i can feel like im burning calories and doing something even if im not really.

in other news, the caf. has been disappointing the last several days and i anxiously await my shift and hogan brothers and consequentially my 1/2 hoagie with all my special ingredients. i always talk about not getting a sandwhich when iwork but i always do. ahhh woe is me.

this is my first non-verse update in a while and im not really sure how to feel about it. i have a headache from the alcohol an i should be drinking water but none of it is cold so im having diet coke and greatly anticipating my breakfast/wahtevermeal of tomorrow. i think im hungrier here than i am at home. i don know why this is. probably because of all my extreme brain activity burning calories like the mother fucking iron man.

If you want blood, you got it

long drive back to northfield. on the drives when im by myself i always think of really clever things to write in my blog but now ive forgotten them all and im too tired to try and remember. i wish i were back in schaumburg.

"He could not live away from her.
This was the way with them: they were
Like honeysuckle which you see
Wrapped around a hazel tree;
When it takes hold there and has bound
The trunk with tendrils all around,
They will live, both vine and stem,
But should someone uncouple them,
Then the hazel quickly dies,
And the honeysuckle likewise.
'So we, fair friend, can never be-
I without you; you without me.'"

Chevrefoil

everything

i like to hang out with the love of my life.

home in 20 hours

deer bandits (12:04:27 AM): i might drag you in express but only quickly

frack698 (12:04:45 AM): ill hang at the helio stand outside

miss you

A voice said, Look me in the stars
And tell me truly, men of earth,
If all the soul-and-body scars
Were not too much to pay for birth.

-robert frost

words dont work

I fell in love with my best friend and I want a tattoo that conveys that.

what do you do with an English major?

I've spent the last hour or so looking at the websites st. olaf has linked for job opportunities based on area of study. I've looked at pretty much everything from environmental protection to publishing and editing for Random House. The problem i have with all these job postings is that they all require 2-3 years experience in publishing or marketing or editing or the like. Where am i supposed to get these 2-3 years of experience before i apply for the "real" job at Random House? Even the small publishing houses ive never heard of in middle of nowhere Oregon still have this 2-3 years of experience requirement. I'm pretty far away from having that much experience and i'm wondering if ill be doing unpaid internships until then commuting from the Billhymer's homestead in schaumburg illinois because i can't afford anything on my own. This is worrysome. Especially when i think of the unpaid internships not really counting as "years" of experience, even if i do several of them over the course of 2-3 years.

i don't know if i should give up this whole career after college thing and get back on the grad school path. Its the only direction that seemed relatively safe and easy to get to. Of course the thought of staying in school for another 2 years after my undergrad sentence is up is daunting to say the least. But grad school would be different right? Just like college is so much different from high school. I'm of the opinion that life pretty much stays like high school forever. Thats just the median maturity level for most Americans today regardless of age/gender/income. Also- if i just believe people don't ever get anymore tolerable than they were at age 15, ill always be pleasantly surprised when someone does act like a decent human being.

so the job hunt continues and who knows what kind of career ill end up with. The search for an internship that will accept me will most likely end in failure but ill press on none-the-less. I can't imagine being on the Oregon Trail with my family and covered wagon. I think i would refuse to go but then i would be straying from the idea of the "true woman." This was just a random digression into the social injustices regarding gender in the 19th century. I would like to think that if i lived during that time i would be like Annie Oakley or Calamity Jane but more likely, i would be just a domestic and obedient wife, ready to cook for my husband and rear my children until my uterus is dried up. and even then id still have to cook for him while hes out doing log rolling contests or whatever stupid ass men did in those days to prove they were the shit.

for someone who doesn't read this

on the off chance that you do, for some random reason, decide to look at this, i just want you to know how much i love you. youre everything to me. i'm sorry for everything i did. im sorry for everything ive ever done in the past. im sorry for constantly expecting you to end up acting like steve. there are a lot of things i wish i could do differently and more successfully in our relationship but i'm trying so hard. please don't give up on me. i want to be perfect for you and everything you could want/look for in another person because thats what you are for me. im sorry if this sounds tacky and cliche but its true and it won't ever change. part of me hopes you do read this but a bigger part of me knows you probably won't. maybe ill read this to you on the phone since i can't seem to ever get the write words out when i actually want to. im scared youll decide this isnt worth the trouble but i want to do everything in my power to prove to you that it is. i love you. more than youll ever know.


we are more than most will ever find.

Everything I'm thinking/feeling/being/loving

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)


e.e. cummings

i believe in us

"A kiss, and all was said."
Victor Hugo

I couldn't describe anything more perfectly.

8 days.

im ok youre ok. mxpx sucks. courtney doesnt.

What is your favorite song of all time?

Do you own any pets, and if so what do you have? half horse half lamb half ixy

Who do you admire most? not really anyone

Do you have any tattoos, and if so what and where? i wish

When do you plan on getting married? it gets earlier everytime im asked, 24 is the number of the day

Get the number or give the number? uh neither

Romance or Kinky Sex? It depends on the mood

How do you feel? sad, lonely, anxious, scared

What size shoe do you wear? 9.5 (i'm honest)

Water or 100% Juice? water

T-Mobile, U.S. Cellular, Cingular/AT&T, or Sprint/Nextel? just not verizon. ugh.

Would you rather be hot or cold? cold

Would you rather lose an arm or a leg? a baby toe

Favorite Place to Eat? anywhere really. somewhere italian...

Opera, Musical, Concert, Play, Performance, or Other? Concert or play!

What is your favorite clothing brand? fuck them all im too broke.

Most Memorable Past? everything this summer and spring break 2003 of course.

Most embarrassing moment? buying the wrong cigarettes.

If you had to pick one car, which would it be? Pink H1, or any H1

Your favorite Disney Films? MIRACLE!

Why did the chicken cross the road? to be alone

Do you support Paris? probably not

Where is Waldo? the waiting room at the dentist

Favorite element? aluminum

What was your last thought? i really have to pee

Firefox, Internet Explorer, Netscape, or other? Firefox

Who are you going to vote for in 2008? I'm probably not going to vote. OOPS.

Juice and crackers or milk and cookies? milk and cookies any day

Favorite fruit? plum, grapes

Which is worse? A bad laugh or a bad cough? bad laugh, i should know, i have one.

Are you a cat or a dog person? 75/25 dogs to cats

Would you rather be blind or deaf? deaf i think

Define yourself in 3 words... messy, lonely, disaster.

Do you eat cold cereal at night? I would if i had cereal... or cold...

What is your favorite TV show? Friends will never let you down

Kill the spider or let it out? KILL THAT SHIT

Do you shower every single day? yeah usually

Walking past a beggar, spare change or ignore? probably give everything i own because im such a sucker

Boat or bus? boat if i have taken dramamine

What is your favorate Pj Fabric? SKIN! hahaha

Where do you want to travel next? New Zealand

What would you do if Michael Jackson asked you out? laugh and ask for money instead

What is your favorite food? italian or pizza or mcdonalds

Do you read harry potter books? hell YES

What is your favorite place? matt's bed... ideally with matt or matt's backyard with matt and stog.

If you could have one super human power what would you choose? the ability to get a 4.0!!!!

Have you had a beer in the last week? many

Vitamin Water or Gatorade? both are delicious except the pink vit wat is nasty. riptide rush gat. prob.

Favorite body part? arms, hands, necks

Flip flops or sandles? FLIP

What do you do on fridays? consider driving home

Do you like bananas? indeed

How tall are you?
5'9

what is wrong with me?

i must be insane. i'm so sad today. this isn't normal. someone help me.

i search for you in poetry

"Little you know the subtle electric fire that for your sake is playing within me."

"I stop somewhere waiting for you."

Walt Whitman

ode to stolaf.

The campus is gorgeous
The professors are great
If it werent for the students
I'd have it made

get on the incu bus

To see you when I wake up
Is a gift I didn't think could be real.
To know that you feel the same as I do
Is a three-fold, utopian dream.

You do something to me that I can´t explain.
So would I be out of line if i said
I miss you.

I see your picture,
I smell your skin on the empty pillow, next to mine.
You have only been gone ten days
But already I´m wasting away.

I know I´ll see you again
Whether far or soon.
But I need you to know that I care
And, I miss You.

something is missing

my heart only feels half full.

something is missing.

you are missing.

everyday.everyday.everyday.everyday.

i want to come back home.

You are the smell before rain

you are the blood in my veins.

the distance is worth it. everyday is worth it. i don't think i will be a very good english major.

you are my other half. my better half.

I can't wait to go home. i can't wait for the drive with court and the great hug waiting for me from matt.

11.11.11.11.11.

i miss you terribly.

I can't sleep tonight

I miss matt. This is harder than i ever could have anticipated or imagined. Its only been a few days but i cant handle it. i can't sleep because i can't stop thinking about how badly i want to be at home or anywhere with matt.

matt matt matt you are my life

"Time is the longest distance between two places."
Tennessee Williams


i hope this works out forever.

depressing

there is only so much online shopping a person can do before life starts to melt away in front of you.

i need to get a life.

i need to get out of northfield.

i miss matt

and courtney

this is just a sad state of affairs.

hating every minute of it

i miss matt. i think im going to watch say anything tonight. i dont want to go to class tomorrow. its really hot in my room. st. olaf is awful. worse than ever. im going to winona this weekend.

one week until the end of days

im going to school next week. i don't really want to but i have a kick ass new laptop and new mp3 player which is cool. i want to get this job in lakeville that i'm going to send my resume too in like 20 minutes. i don't want to go to school. i dont want to be away from matt. i'm ridiculously in love with matt. at least we are coming home in september. i really hope i get this job. the thing on craig's list says $20-30 an hour. which would be AMAZING. mon-thursday 5-9. which is basically PERFECT. unfortunately i think a lot of people will think this is a good opportunity too so im jumpin on it quick like whoa. i really dont update this thing during the summer but i figured thats ok if i update it daily even more so during the year. if i get this job ill be able to actually afford going to monarch this winter and other snowboarding accessories that the first $800 didnt cover.

i love matt.

I'm excited about the future

"Day turns to night quickly
I've become something I never thought that I'd become
and don't close your eyes
today marks our one month anniversary
So look how far we've come from a million miles away
never turning back
Wake up don't fall asleep
This was the best day or was it just some crazy dream"
-AugustPremier


i'm happy.

its hard but better together

"A thousand times a day I tell you I love the way you sing,
Even though it makes me cry, it’s my favorite time to be alive,
And all I know is I feel lost without you.
"I miss you," is not enough.

I know the story’s old; it’s been told a million times before,
But to tell it feels so good.
It reminds me that not all I do is right,
And all I know is I feel so lost without you."

Early November

behind blue eyes

fuck my inability to update. a thousand things have happened since may. everything is in transit.

"Have you ever been alone in a crowded room, well I'm here with you"

shuffle makes me realize how bad almost all the music on my ipod is. le tigre fucking sucks.

"we didnt start the fire!!! it was always burning since the world's been turning!"

i swear too much.

"So I said I'm a snowball running
Running down into the spring that's coming
All this love melting under blue skies
Belting out sunlight
Shimmering love
Well baby I surrender
To the strawberry ice cream
Never ever end of all this love
Well I didn't mean to do it
But there's no escaping your love"


upbeat upbeat upbeat. i feel like my handwriting is going to get so bad over the summer and my first semester notes are going to look like shit. this is something im worried about. i hate when my notes are messy and not uniform.

i love THE SNAKE THE CROSS THE CROWN can they go on tour already? and put out a new cd! also- what the fuck happened to my August Premier hoodie!? ive been asking this for at least 4 years.

"The overview is not the same as going through the present joy and all it took to come to this"

i would like to be at a beach right now. a hot ocean one, not a lake michigan one.

armani code

i like the tie-dye/flannel combo.

lets get you new shoes.

"uh, AFRICA, tomorrow."

kissing is nice.

i still need a job.

nothing left to lose.

no ireland. no rome. just minnesota.

i love being penalized for the fact that i have traveled abroad.

this place is a prison.

huge bug bite on my arm

Finals start tomorrow. Thank god i've finished my math paper and now i need to work on my Arab papers which i was SO SURE i was going to start ahead of time and of course im not going to start it until tomorrow which my professor told us definitely not to do.

we saw a turkey truck today with tons of live turkeys in it going to the meat packing plant and it made me really sad. so now im vegetarian. is that spelled right? who cares.

i ate a lot of twizzlers today.

why doesn't anyone call me back when i fight with them and hang up clearly mad!? im manipulative but i dont care. call me back. ugh.