so i was thinking about mallrats and how i am one.

"Listen, not a year goes by, not a year, that I don't hear about some escalator accident involving some bastard kid which could have easily been avoided had some parent - I don't care which one - but some parent conditioned him to fear and respect that escalator!"

Brandi: Suitor number 3, is your kiss like a soft breeze, a firm handshake or a jackhammer?
Gil Hicks: Definitely a jackhammer, I'm in there with some pressure and when I'm done, you're not the same as before. You're changed.

"You're gonna listen to me? To something I said? Hasn't it become abundantly clear during the tenure of our friendship that I don't know shit?"

" Breakfast, shmreakfast. Look at the score, for Christ's sake. It's only the second period and I'm up 12 to 2. Breakfasts come and go, Rene, but Hartford, "the Whale," they only beat Vancouver once, maybe twice in a lifetime."

The Darkness is awesome. Well its a new year and i feel the same. my birthday is in a month and a half. seventeen should hopefully be a pretty normal year. but define normal. i finally bought the choke the book but much to my dismay its not THE choke just Choke. either way. i bought it. so i hope its good.

i used to think there was no one else who could ever be like me or understand me at all. i was all ready to pack up and move to wisconsin and attend a private boarding school away from my peers in schaumburg. i was ready to kiss this scene goodbye and meet new people and give myself a new name and life. then my mother gave me probably the only motherly and reassuring advice she ever will. maybe it was because she was about to burn 30 grand a year on a high school education for a daughter she didnt even really know. what compelled her to dish the advice out in the first place matters not. she said "before you decide if you want to go to wayland, you should decide if youre going there because youre running towards the school itself, or because youre running away from something else." it was then and there that i declined my acceptance to wayland accademy and my mom told them to stop calling because i didn't want to go there anymore. I'm glad i didn't because i found people who can relate to me on levels i didnt know existed. Courtney brings out the funny and lame part of myself that is the most apparent everyday, she also keeps me levelheaded about a lot of things and prevents me from wasting my money on stupid shit. Carter is someone who needs to be here but i can't exactly point out any specific thing he does, he just makes me feel good and i think thats pretty important. Lauren Mangiaforte has helped me realize that i am not as weird as i thought i was and she treats me as if i was living up to my actual potential instead of the slacker i am. but more importantly she helped me understand that i really CAN be serious, contrary to popular belief. and to these people, among others, i am forever indebted.


So here's to the R-rated movies and college acceptance letters that are SURE to come in the year 2004.

And so it comes to be, a day no longer here. A year spent in your shadows, pining over your absence. Where has it led me but to further discoveries regarding myself? It is only after this prolonged adventure lacking a climax that i call 2003 that i have realized that the most important moments were small and ordinarily glanced over without a second thought. in retrospect these moments were the ones that ultimately made the year worth surviving. Without your voice in my ears and your hand resting on the small of my back, i have been forced into the realization that i don't need you in my life and this obsession with your acceptance of me has left me blinded to all the beauty that the world truly does possess. It is only now that i am able to accept the reality of the situation. i understand now that the only person i will ever have to live for is myself. Regardless of whether or not you accept me or, for that matter, regardless of whatever you think of me, i will be able to live. In the months to come, i will let go of our 4 year obligation to eachother. i will cut myself free from the tethers that have kept me tied to you while you have never considered yourself bound to me in any way. who are you if not my first love? you are just a boy and from now on i will regard you as such. This charade of dancing in circles around the question of love has gone on for too long and i am no longer willing to let myself join the masses and be a fool for you. "you may, the memory of what has past half makes me hope you will, have pain in this. a very very brief time. and you will dismiss the recollection of it gladly as an unprofitable dream from which it happened well that you awoke."

in case anyone was curious of the outcome on that spider solitaire game, i won. i would just like to say that everyone is a hypocrite. sick. wait there's something funny that courtney said...

frack698: i think you deserve a pair of american flag flip flops possibly old navy?
gloryfades72: oh you sick bastard


so tonight or last night. i went mini golfing with.... cebo, carter, kevin, nick, and steve. it was pretty fun but my expectations of The Putting Edge were not exactly met. but maybe i just had them set to high. either way, i didn't do any homework. so long sunlight. this girl isn't going outside all weeeekend. i want a west highland terrier for my birthday named julius. well time for some sleep before i start bringing in the new year

-the patron saint of liars and fakes

I'm pretty thirsty but i don't really want to get up. i have courtneys swollen mouth on tape if anyones into that kind of thing. i'm not sure really what to say except i'm in the mood for a dvd but we i don't got a playa in my crib. well my room. oh well. i guess ill just settle for a sprite and another god damned game of spider solitaire.

so lauren posted her new years resolutions on her blog so i'm going to do the same thing.

1) no more fast food


wow that was easy alright so im not as determined as lauren but i know i cannot both like myself and other people all in the same year. thats just asking way too much. so i'll start small and maybe by the time im 45 ill be on the same track as her. it doesn't really make a difference though because no fast food is important and maybe ill be healthy and being healthy would lead to being more positive and optimistic. see i'm just simplifying lauren;s list and starting with the root cause of all my destructive behavior. because if i can blame my life on anything, its fast food.

in other news... i went downtown today and saw the Manet exibit. it was nice but i decided i like monet much better. sorry buddy. we went to urban outfitters too and i got mittens and a shirt that says "i <3 sloths" yeah nice? well fuck you. its clever. steve is sitting on my bed now. bored and i;m typing this. i suppose its time to go entertain him.

ps. i like the great gatsby. but i wish i could finish it so i could start apus and oh does anyone want to help me with the huck finn outline?yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyeah

"It was one of those rare smiles with a quality of eternal reassurance in it, that you may come across four or five times in life. It faced- or seemed to face- the whole external world for an instant, and then concentrated on you with an irresistable prejudice in your favor."

"when i came to visit you, thats when i knew that i could never have you. i knew that before you did. still im the one who's stupid"

sitting here with courtney. thinking about a lot of things and listening to motorcyle driveby, trying to decide my cd for carter. it will be good. yes. it will be.

i love number 5.

its christmas day and i'm online. i dont think its pathetic

i saw dana at church. cool huh?

dear my only reason for living,
you are the beauty i could only dream of possessing.
you are constant as the northern star.
you are the black ice invisible on february nights.
you are the unending humidity of mid-July.
you are a reminder of what i wish to someday aspire to.
you are the steady background support who has never craved the spotlight attention of my life yet has changed me entirely none-the-less.
you are my lobster.
you are my trust and desire.
you are the reason i get up in the morning.
and you dont even remember my name.





i wrote this during summer school.

Its christmas eve and steve just went home and now i'm thinking about carter and how i lost his gift and had to buy him something else. this bright eyes song reminds me of him. actually a lot of songs do but i think this one kind of makes me hurt a little when i hear it.

"all eyes on the calendar
another year i claim of total indifference
to here the days pile up
with decisions to be made
i'm sure all of them were wrong
into this song, i send myself
and with these drinks i plan to collapse and forget
this wasted year
these wasted years
devoted friends, they disappear
i'm sorry about the phone call and needing you
some decisions you don't make
i guess it's like breathing and not wanting to
there are some things that you can't fake
i guess that it is typical
to cling to memories you'll never get back again
and to sort through old photographs of a summer long ago
or a friend that you used to know
and there, below his frozen face
you wrote the name and that ancient date
and you can't believe he is really gone
when all that's left is a fucking song
i'm sorry about the phone call and waking you
i know that its late
but thank you for talking because i needed to
some things just can't wait."


to the one person who enjoys my company and is well aware of my flaws, who can see through my facades and likes me inspite of that. who never really gave up even when my childish antics got old. who helped me learn how to live with myself but was patient when i couldn't. who saw it as it was, and not what we wanted it to be; Merry Christmas, Carter.

i found my friendsfile yesterday that i had everyone fill out in aprilish? i guess it was funny

audrey... only


really funny. sometimes i just have to hit myself really hard and say "audrey, don't be so fucking ridiculous." i was saved by grace but destroyed by naivety. now who is grace and who is naivety? a few months ago or maybe less harrisonwent through his usual phase of wanting to be friends with me for 2 days. i guess i should be expecting an instant message in a few weeks then. thats great, hes as predictable as my period, which is, needless to say, not predictable at all. except you know its going to be there at the most inopportune times.


youre right, motorcycle drive by is an amazing song. it reminds me of you actually and the warm summer mornings with the windows down, and how the song made me feel at ease even though i wasnt. i could go on for hours about how applicable the lyrics are to my life but that would just be the epitome of redundancy so ill leave it at this
"I hope you take a piece of me with you.
And there's things I'd like to do
that you don't believe in.
I would like to build something,
but you'd never see it happen."

"Taste the salt and taste the pain,
I'm not thinking of you again.
Summer dies and swells rise,
The sun goes down in my eyes."

wallowing in my self-pity for days that turn into months that turn into years that turn into the rest of my life and i just watched it all go by without a word. unusual, or is it? the without a word part certainly is but am i really that extroverted?

tonight steve gave me my christmas presents. he bought me a watch and the newest nicholas sparks book. it was great but way too much.anyway we went to see lotr and it was good. considering i slept through the second one i thought i understood it partially. well then i came home and made some sugar cookies since i got new cookie cutters at "Le gormet chef" and i got this lobster but the cookies kept breaking when i tried to take them off the sheet. ohw ell.

so im sitting here on the floor in my room with disorganized furniture wondering how i got here. "here" i think meaning life in general. christmas is almost here and i dont feel ready for it. not yet. it doesnt even seem like december. life does move really fast, i guess, only while youre living it seems to take forever. maybe its better that life seems to last forever because we have time to ponder unanswerable questions into the hot and endless days of the neverending summers. or maybe it would be better if life only seemed to last the blink of an eye, to make sure we have motivation to do all the things we want to do instead of just procrastinating and putting things off until theres nothing left to put them off to. i cant decide.

"See the pyramids along the Nile
Watch the sunrise on a tropic isle
Just remember darlin' all the while
You belong to me

See the market place in Old Algiers
Send me photographs and souvenirs
Just remember when a dream appears
You belong to me

I'll be so alone without you
Maybe you'll be lonesome too, and blue

Fly the ocean in a silver plane
See the jungle when it's wet with rain
Just remember 'til you're home again
You belong to me"

i heard this song today and it bothered me because, well 1 because i couldnt tell who it was, and 2 because it seemed like something steve would say at me. or yell at me. i cant really remember the words or context much beyond the idea of someone trying to change someone else without realizing that they were expecting way to much and trying to change someone entirely and its wrong/ and despite this persons attempts to configure the opposites personality, he explains in the chorus that hes willing to stay and wait it out. thats just sad to me because i dont think i deserve it.

im a compass without a direction serving no purpose but bleeding into the night as if these lacerated wounds would never heal. i bear this cross to show the world i know who i am and where i stand. the universe is bigger than we thought so does that make my cross ironic? i stumble over words and fall over feelings, on my way down i hit myface on jagged rocks and stay bleeding until i'm dead. love is a panic as opposed to a picnic. and in ITS crippling brevity, this nervous habit is choking me. death by asphixiation as a clear cut reflection of my panic-stricken sense of self. failure by design? or just failure?

"you know the feeling when you get into a warm bath? well, you make me feel like a bath?"

its saturday morning and im ready to rock and roll. count your pennies kids, we're going to the circus.

so i'm just doing the aim express thing until i get my computer back

at the end of my day i found out
you weren't worth what i thought of you



this isn't love there on the backend of forever i wish i would never hurt again

SO i havent updated or been online lately because i dont have access to my computer because its not in my room. my room is painted and almost ready to be carpeted and when that is complete, i will be up and running again. i havent really been thinking lately anyway so updating this would do me no justice. im just checking up on things and playing a game of spider solitaire before returning to the daunting task of ap us. then i will make up an entire psychology project and do maht and i think thats it. well oh well. this weekend has been quick. im ready for break and imnot eating fast food any more

wow i just cant say anything right can i? great

can we say stressed out? yes, yes we can, and we can say it LOUDLY. i love lauren mangiaforte

Innocence lost.

In the naive years that make up my entire existence i've come to understand that no one ever really "gets it" in the end. We are all just wandering around hoping to run into someone who will laugh at your jokes and thinks you're funny even when youre not. Is there some fabricated plan to the rest of our lives or is everything just randomly thrown together. cross your fingers and hope they still love you in 50 years, 40 lbs, and a lot of wasted money later. I would like to believe that somewhere between the structured design and pointless wandering, there is a happy medium where people can find the love they deserve without having to throw themselves out in front of traffic. I'm not saying that i'm going to be expecting my soul mate to just magnetically collide into me, but i don't want to have to be searching up and down boardwalks with a sign. i don't know where i'm going with this. its too late for a heated debate against myself. i havent studied enough ap us. but i need to get sleep. so i'll deal with these ideas later

i'm not sure what to say, or if i have anything new to say at all. i could quote postal service on how i feel at the moment. do you ever look at a picture and wish you could remember exactly how you felt at that moment? that happens to me a lot with pictures of me when i was little. i just wonder what i was thinking about, and if i was happy, and if i knew that my parents were never around or if i just thought that was normal. i found a picture of steve and he looks sad which is different for pictures of him because he usually just looks angry. either way, i was just wondering what he was thinking about.


"i want to take you far from the cynics in this town and kiss you on the mouth. We'll cut our bodies free from the tethers of this scene, start a brand new colony."

heres another one. i hope its the last one for a while. i just cant stop

i n f o r m a t i o n
1. name: Audrey
2. single or taken: single
3. sex: Female
4. birthday: 2/14
5. sign: Aquarius
6. siblings: Eric
7. hair color: brown
8. eye color: blue
9. shoe size: 10
10. height: 5'9
11. favorite foods: chicken fingers and ranch and enchiladas
12. hometown: Schaumburg

r e l a t i o n s h i p s
1. who are your best friends?: Courtney Chris Ali and Carter
2. do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: no
3. did you send this to your crush?: No
4. did your crush send this to you?: No
5. longest relationship?: over 6 months, ic ouldn't give exact dates
6. how many actual relationships have you been in?: 5
7. how many people have you kissed?: 9
8. are you shy around your crush?: haha no
9. do you indulge in random hook-ups?: no
10. still have feelings for anyone you've been in a past relationship with?: yes
11. do you know what it feels like to be in love?: yes
12. would you sacrifice your favorite possession for your best friends?: definitely

f a s h i o n | s t u f f
1. where is your favorite place to shop?: american eagle
2. have any tattoos or piercings?: no
3. what is your favorite thing to wear?: hollister pants and r.b.f.
4. what is a must have accessory?: my watch
5. how much is the most you've ever spent on a single item of clothing?: umm maybe $50?
7. who is the most fashionable person you know?: Lindsay
8. who is the least fashionable person you know?: me
9. do you match your belt with your hair color?: No
10. what is the worst thing you've ever thought looked good: some pretty ugly purses
11. what are you wearing right now?: soccer shorts and a tank top
12. how many pairs of shoes do you own? id say just over 25
13.what is the worst trend you see today?: buckling belts on the side or the back. so lame. everything at H and M

s p e c i f i c s
1. do you do drugs? no
2. what kind of shampoo do you use?: herbal essensessensees
3. what are you most scared of?: spiders i guess
4. what are you listening to right now?: nothing
5. who is the last person that called you?: uhhh steve
6. where do you want to get married?: somewhere warm
7. how many buddies are online right now?: 12
8. what would you change about yourself?: i think id change everything except my flawless sense of style
9. what are essentials in your life?: friends, books
10. if you had the power to do any one thing, what would it be? fly
11. what nationality are you?: German/Irish
12. do you send out holiday cards each year?: my parents do

h a v e | y o u | e v e r
1. given someone a bath? yes
2. smoked?: yes
3. bungee jumped?: no
4. made yourself throw up?: yeah, i used to think that was the only way i could stay home from school.
5. skinny dipped?: Yeah
6. made yourself cry to get out of trouble?: yeah, it doesnt work
7. cried when someone died?: yeah
8. fallen for your best friend?: Yes
9. been rejected?: yeah
10. rejected someone?: Yeah
11. used someone?: no

c u r r e n t
1. hair: flat ass
2. music: none
3. make-up: some left over from last night
4. annoyance: axle and eric
5. scent: pancakes downstairs
6. favorite artist: jackson pollock
7. favorite group: blink 182
8. desktop picture: this cinderella thing
9. book you're reading: huck finn, walden
10. cd in player: saves the day
11. dvd in player: lock stock and 2 smoking barrels
12. color of toenails: none

c h r i s t m a s | w i s h | l i s t
1. Love
2. Money
3. Video Camera
4. Sweaters
5. Dvds/cds

i hope you're happy now, because i'm not, and he's not.

Once on a yellow piece of paper with green lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Chops"
because that was the name of his dog
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and a gold star
And his mother hung it on the kitchen door
and read it to his aunts
That was the year that Father Tracy
took all the kids to the zoo
And he let them sing on the bus
And his little sister was born
with tiny toenails and no hair
And his mother and father kissed a lot
And the girl around the corner sent him a
valentine signed with a row of X's
and he had to ask his father what the X's meant
And his father always tucked him in bed at night
And was always there to do it

Once on a piece of white paper with blue lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Autumn"
because that aws the name of the season
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and asked him to write more clearly
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because of its new paint
And the kids told him
that Father Tracy smoked cigars
And left butts on the pews
And sometimes they would burn holes
That was the year his sister got glasses
with thick lenses and black frames
And the girl around the corner laughed
when he asked her to go see Santa Claus
And the kids told him why
his mother and father kissed a lot
And his father never tucked him in bed at night
And his father got mad
when he cried for him to do it.

Once on a paper torn from his notebook
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Innocence: A Question"
because that was the question about his girl
And that's what it was all about
And his professor gave him an A
and a strange steady look
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because he never showed her
That was the year that Father Tracy died
And he forgot how the end
of the Apostle's Creed went
And he caught his sister making out on the back porch
And his mother and father never kissed
or even talked
And the girl around the corner
wore too much makeup
That made him cough when he kissed her
but he kissed her anyway
because that was the thing to do
And at three A.M. he tucked himself into bed
his father snoring soundly

That's why on the back of a brown paper bag
he tried another poem
And he called it "Absolutely Nothing"
Because that's what it was really all about
And he gave himself an A
and a slash on each damned wrist
And he hung it on the bathroom door
because this time he didn't think
he could

"You guys, you made me ink."
"See this tenticle? its actually shorter than all my other tenticles, but you really cant tell especially when i twirl like this."

id do anything for you. and you probably don't know this is about you. youre a great friend i just wish i saw you more often. i guess its hard to keep up with everything. i wish it wasnt. you like me the way i am and i guess that just. i dont know. i just wish you knew. yeah somethings wrong but i just cant put my finger on it.

who loves outkast besides me? hhhheyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy ya. don't try to fight the feeling cuz the thought alone is killing me right now. this is putting me in a better mood

does anyone have a medicine for melancholy? how about some thoreau? walden and civil disobedience?

homework is such a comforting consistency. i had 4 hours today. i'm gonna shake it like a polaroid picture.

lets see funniest thing today? i want to record it. i think it might have been ryan wearing white socks. or maybe him telling me about yasmeen falling asleep in apus. i wish i could have been there. or maybe the funniest thing was me telling mrs lopez that dan and i were just discussing our wedding plans and then dan confessing to me after class that he was having second thoughts.

this is the last time we'll be friends again. ill get over you. you'll wonder who i am. and theres this burning, just like there's always been. ive never been so alone. and ive never been so alive.


I go home to the coast,
It starts to rain,
I paddle out,
On the water,
Alone,
Taste the salt and taste the pain,
I'm not thinking of you again,
Summer dies and swells rise,
The sun goes down in my eyes,
See this rolling wave,
Darkly coming to take me,
Home

I'll be the fire escape that's bolted to the ancient brick where you will sit and contemplate your day.

i baked you a cake but i threw it away along with the ashes left over from when i burned your pictures. and these pathetic attempts to gain your acceptance fail repeatedly and now its clear to me that "i was the one worth leaving"

"Reality is a sliding door."

I'm lost without a compass. Mislead and misunderstood. did i turn out the way you thought i would? i will never see the world in the hues you do, because the hues you choose are not the hues i use, because the hues i use are only blues. it was only when i jumped into the deep end that i realized i had been drowning all along. self-image ends here. make up or no make up, i'll never be who you want me to be. as hard as that is to swallow, i think i'll make it out alive. changing identities as flowers wilt to brown. you write about the love that was never me. it looks like i'm giving up the fight before i take the final punch. in its crippling brevity i learned how to wake up. does that mean something? judge me please. who am i? if you know, then the answer must not be hard to find. whats the point? was there ever one? somewhere in the distance a little girl is screaming. i hear it faintly, fading to the background music that i have super imposed onto my life. i am static. judge me more. if i drown out everyone else, maybe i can do the same to myself. i'm sinking without a struggle, because its so much easier getting washed out to sea.

Its pretty early on the sunday before the end of the world and i'm sitting here thinking about my life, and the lives of other people. i think i will write a book before i die. a novel, fiction. teen crap most likely because i feel like that's all i know and that's all i could write about. a novel about succumbing to the majority and learning to live with yourself after youve conformed to the idealist society's seemingly perfect image of you. maybe it won't be about me. maybe it will be about someone i know. but either way i feel like that topic could get dark and messy. either way thats what i live for. the drama and the fights and the love and the tears, they make me smile and sometimes laugh like the cynical bitch that i am. not really. i wish i could sleep more, i have yet to understand why i can't. i get so tired. but i just cant sleep. i need to finish killer angels today. i was reading jeanaes live journal and it makes me really sad. maybe because i know that i still think about her on a regular basis and she doesn't of me. but i don't really think thats why its upsetting. i think i feel helpless when i read it, because i dont know her, maybe i never did. but the realization that i have no idea who she is makes me feel lost because i've changed so much and so has she. so has everyone i think, except a select few. who would have thought 3 years could do so much. ive never really looked at my life like a timeline but when i do, i can see exact moments when things ended and new things began. as tacky and overused as it may seem, i can look at my life as a garden, and most of the flowers are temporary, seasonal, staying only a few months and then leaving with the summer heat, but there are those flowers that started not in full bloom, but as bulbs that needed to be carefully buried. these flowers return every year without replanting, they are deeply rooted in the soil that is my life and come back without trial and hardwork, or maybe it is because they never left in the first place, the bulbs still resting in the dirt. of course there are weeds in the garden and without proper tending to, they will envelop the rest of the plantlife. but the beauty of the flowers, despite the length of their visit, manages to overpower the ugliness of the weeds. it is sad however, when flowers you thought were bulbs, turn out to be nothing more than a week taproot, or perhaps dicot. i suppose there are some parts of nature that we weren't meant to understand. the brevity of the flowers, the brevity of my friendships, or maybe its just the brevity of life.

[name ]: audrey
[ nicknames ]: audrey i guess bill is one
[ resides in ]: schaumburg.
[ good student ]: youre god damned right i am
[ eyes ]: blue
[ hair ]: brown and short
[ shoe size ]: 10

x.do you.x
[ smoke? ]: no
[ do drugs? ]: no.
[ have sex? ]: no
[ sleep with stuffed animals? ]: just jenny and daryl bill
[ have a dream that keeps coming back? ]: not really
[ play an instrument? ]: not really
[ believe there is life on other planets? ]: definitely
[ remember your first love? ]: i do
[ still love him/her? ]: i do
[ read the newspaper? ]: not often
[ consider love a mistake? ]: no, far from it.
[ like the taste of alcohol? ]: no i do not
[ believe in god? ]: yes i do
[ go to church? ]: yes i do
[ have any secrets? ]: i guess
[ have any pets? ]: ohhhhhhhhhhhhh axle
[ talk to strangers who instant message you? ]: no, except this guy.... jose and his sn was blinkfreak and he lived in sandiego. i dont reaslly know how i started talking to him but i kept that up for a while back in the day- tinkerbell5679 R.I.P.
[ wear hats? ]: yes
[ have any piercings? ]: no
[ have any tattoos? ]: no. i'm getting one that says sic transit gloria... glory fades. i have to wait till after college though, which means it wil never happen.
[ hate yourself? ]: indeed
[ have an obsession? ]: indeed
[ collect anything? ]: hmm shoes. i'm funny now huh?
[ have a best friend? ]: oh yes.
[ like your handwriting? ]: no i'm kind of pissed at it
[ have any bad habits? ]: define bad
[ care about looks? ]: i would be lying if i said i didn't. in fact any person would. its human nature to make initial judgements based on physical appearance, now i would be correct in saying i DO evaluate my judgements more closely and carefully after they are made and reconsider my first thought, but the deed has already been done.
[ boy/girlfriend's looks? ]: what does it all mean?
[ friends and other people? ]: my friends are beautiful
[ believe in witches? ]: why the hell not.
[ believe in satan? ]: not quite sure at the moment
[ believe in ghosts? ]: no. sorry court. ha

x.current.x
[ dress ]: jeans and a white tank top
[ mood ]: refreshed
[ music ]: the postal service
[ hair ]: wet.
[ annoyance ]: eric
[ smell ]: carmex.
[ thought ]: axle shut the fuck up
[ book ]: the killer angels
[ fingernail color ]: none
[ Refreshment ]: mehhhhhhhh nothign
[ worry ]: that im gaining weight. sick
[ Favorite Celebrity ]: john cusak, russell crowe ahhhhhhhh

x.last person.x
[ you touched ]: the dog counts so him
[ you talked to ]: my brother when i kicked him out of the shower
[ you hugged ]: my grandpa
[ you Instant messaged ]: that would have been on wednesday.... i dont know
[ you yelled at ]: lame ass eric
[ who broke your heart ]: harrison, and that was years ago
[ kissed ]: steve

x.who do you want to.x
[ kill ]: marco
[ slap ]: axle why are you barking?
[ tickle ]: courtney
[ talk to ]: courtney
[ have sex with ]: no one
[ kiss ]: courtney
[ be like ]: courtney

I'm home. so thats cool and now i did a quiz that i took from alyssas live journal. these are purely for my own enjoyment and i do them primarily out of sheer boredom.

I'm of foul temperament at the moment. My discontent seeded in the overwhelmingly boring weekend ahead of me that will encompass me reading several novels in indianapolis "the mecca of american culture," if you will. Throughout the elongated weekend, i will be spending 3 of the 4 nights reading and then going to bed at 10:30. This may seem a somewhat petty matter for such cold-hearted resentment, but my days off are few, and my friends, fewer. So i will be returning saturday morning with one day to go before ill-willed sunday shows his miserable face. Thanks, abraham lincoln, but no thanks. I will have to pass this holiday up in spirit. This should be a disgruntling stay, for lack of a better word. I need to pack but updating this is my seemingly non-vocal expression of my opinion which, to say the least, has gone over looked for far too long. haha. I also need to go buy Killer Angels. an exciting task no doubt. I miss carter, hows that mother fuckers?

poetry, so sweet and comforting, may lead to the end of us all.

Like violence
You have me
Forever and after
Like violence
You kill me
Forever and after

well the image isnt showing up right now on this layout so i dont know whats up. i dont really care though. at least not right now. ill fix it later. or something

Well the play was a success. it was really fun and i wish we could have performed more than twice but it was worth it none the less. thank you everyone who came and saw i hope you enjoyed it as much as we did. now that its over im somewhat sad but definitely ready to move onto a more serious role. so i hope we do something cool for the winter play.

well its almost time to go to school to get ready for the second and final performance of CINDERELLA. its been fun. but now its time to be over. i'm kind of sad and kind of glad. its the most bittersweet ending to experience. its so easy to make really good friends when youre around them for up to 9 hours a day. thanks for everything guys, really.

Writing is hard when you don't know how to focus. as long as i live i dont believe ill ever find anyone better focused than Carter. the word formation and sentence structure. i can't even write on this about it. i feel inferior. but when it boils down to literary genius, i'm no second place to carters undeniable victory. if anything ever moved me, it was his words. if anyone ever taught me, it was he. if anything ever burned me, it was my desire to obtain his abiities. i am not he. and he is not me. as frustrating and hard for me to grasp as that concept is, i must admit my life's somber defeat, but not in a somber tone at all. because i have been moved more by his words and feelings in than by the act of living itself, and for that i am grateful and have not been defeated, but enlightened. i could never forget.

Carter reminds me of Edgar Allen Poe

I have nothing cool to say today except im not done with my apus yet and im predicting to stay up until about 130. no one really made me smile today so ic ant write about it here. damn. i know youre all really sad about it huh? too bad people can't comment and tell me how cool/funny i am and how much they love me. so sad. ohhhh i'm crying about it right now. this is me being a bitch. AHhAHAHAHahhaah. well i'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown or anxiety attack but im still in the denial stage so its okay. the fall play is going to fucking rock because we fucking rule. this is hands down the best cast EVER. man right about now i'm really wishing you could comment and tell me you love me. i really need to hear it at least 18 times a day or i get depressed. :( i also wish i could write really nice comments on here about some things people said to me. hmm let me go through my conversations and try to find a good one eh?!


a l i c a t 108 (5:08:06 PM): are you ready to write that paper for me yet?

Atreyu05 42 (1:28:17 AM): I like blogs

H1 SP1KED (11:04:01 PM): was "i have to pee" an expression or a figure of speech?

Chaos6575 (5:33:31 PM): talk to you later, emo punk rocker

leggy410 (10:44:53 PM): i may be taken in by all the gays down there...

frack698 (10:40:39 PM): so light and so bright thats pretty nice

frack698 (12:41:44 PM): youve got some reading to do miss

frack698 (10:26:35 PM): .yeah luz is an amazing woman.


i actually think those comments are better than the thousands of messages i get everyday from people telling me they love me. on top of that, it would be pretty difficult to sift through those thousands of messages to try and find the perfect ones without hurting peoples feelings. i wouldnt want anyone to feel left out because i didnt include their display of affection towards me in my blog. this is still me being a bitch. hahahahahaha and this is me going back to my homework. that took way too long

its getting closer. and hell week is getting stressful. i know i'm tired of it. and just tired in general.

"this is your ghost that kneels before me
razers on her tongue, a body full of oxygen
it wont be the last time she'll ignore me
the thinning of my skin, without the strength to go
the winter's setting in, to cover you in snow"

something corporate

today it is really bad outside. i feel kind of like the weather. this is my new template for the winter. so enjoy. i lik eit. its not as depressing as i would like but i guess it will do. i wish this was what schaumburg looked like during the winter. i need to look for hairstyles for the play.

WHO: ME, LAUREN MANGIAFORTE, DANA PETERS, MIKE O'NEILL, TIM SHAW, LINDSAY BUKIET (SPELLING), AND ALLIE WALKER, ALONG WITH DANCERS.
WHAT: CINDERELLA
WHERE: THE CARL WEIMER AUDITORIUM
WHEN: NOVEMBER 21ST AND 22ND (NEXT FRIDAY AND SATURDAY)
TIME: 7:30
PRICE: $7.00 FOR ADULTS, $5.00 FOR STUDENTS AND CHILDREN

Don't ever watch halloween 3.

okay forget that thing about ladylazarus. courtney just informed me that its a gay sn and it shouldnt be mine. so thats gone. but now i have - gloryfades72- so thats what i have now put that on your buddylist instead. so. thats that.

blashhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhui guyfuvktf

My sn is blocked on aim. that being skippystd. so im using a new sn - LadyLazarus72- until further notice. i dont have a buddylist to upload and i cant remember anyone so just im me on that. yeah?

i just found a friend in one of your lies

---Listen, here's the clever one who speaks before his thoughts are done.---

skippysTd: so youre not interested?
GoHangGoneHung: welll......i really wanna see matrix
GoHangGoneHung: or kill bill
skippysTd: well how about elf?
GoHangGoneHung: no. i actually hate elf.
skippysTd: why?
GoHangGoneHung: im not quite sure
skippysTd: well maybe you should give it a chance
GoHangGoneHung: i know, but my priority is matrix
GoHangGoneHung: or kill bill
skippysTd: well what about else?
skippysTd: elf* haha
GoHangGoneHung: i dont think i could succumb
skippysTd: you could give it a shot?
GoHangGoneHung: audrey, you dont understand. if i went to the movies, i would have to see matrix or kill bill.
skippysTd: i think i could prevent that from happening
GoHangGoneHung: im not so sure
GoHangGoneHung: ive been lifting

Happy Birthday Harrison.

Today was gonna be the day
That they're gonna throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you gotta do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do
About you now

Backbeat the word is on the street
That the fire in your heart went out
I'm sure you've heard it all before
But you never really had a doubt
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do
about you now

And all the roads we have to walk are winding
And all the lights that light the way are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to you
But I don't know how
I don't know how

Because maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
And after all
You're my wonderwall

Today was gonna be the day
But they'll never throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you're not to do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do
About you now

But all the roads that lead you there were winding
And all the lights that light the way are blinding
There are many things that I would like to say to you
But I don't know howI don't know how

I said maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
And after all
You're my wonderwall

I said maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
And after all
You're my wonderwall

I said maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me

I hope today works out. I hope you're right, I hope you've changed.

I want a lover I don't have to love,
I want a boy who's so drunk he doesn't talk.
Where's the kid with the chemicals?
I got a hunger and I can't seem to get full.
I need some meaning I can memorize.
The kind I have always seems to slip my mind.

I talk in the mirror
To the stranger that appears
Our conversations are circles
Always one sided
Nothing is clear
Except we keep coming back
To this meaning that I lack
He says the choices were given
Now you must live them
Or just not live
But do you want that?

"I have to remind myself that these emotional experiences are reasonable and discrete unto themselves. They don't have to precipitate a depressive episode. It takes me a long time to realize that when i get upset about something it doesnt mean that the tears will never stop. it is so hard to learn to put sadness in perspective, so hard to understand that it is a feeling that comes in degrees, it can be a candle burning gently and harmlessly in your home, or it can be a full-fledged forest fire that destroys almost everything and is controlled by almost nothing. it can allso be so much in-between."

prozac nation

So i'm talking to chris about life in general and the unmentionable topics of which i am constantly searching for guidance and direction. In an ideal world i wouldn't need this guidance, and if i did i would be able to guide myself or rely on fate to take me to my ultimate and only true destiny. Since this isn't anywhere near an ideal world i turn to chris on a regular basis to keep me grounded and to make sure my feelings don't get away from me. and this brings us to the always tumultuous topic of, dare i say it, "love" and its uncertainties and entanglements.

but without these uncertainties life and love would be dull right? maybe. but maybe not. does more structure or familiarity, more consistancy, does that necessarily mean dull? i've never been much for structure, but i think chaos and love go hand-in-hand and sometimes that can be too much.

is asking for things to turnout right this time asking for too much? am i ever going to know who i am really supposed to end up with. i would like to think that i am part of some master plan, something greater than myself. but carter claims thats only because i am in denial of my insignificance in the world and i refuse to take responsibility for my own actions as a person. the reality of the situation is neither carter nor myself will ever REALLY know who is right. and no one will ever be able to prove or prove wrong the idea of fate and destiny.

could the person you fall in love with when youre 13 end up being the person you spend the rest of your life with? does serendipity exist or is it just something people tell themselves to try and feel less alone. i feel like i have a few kinks in my heart that won't ever be completely worked out. just like there are places in my heart that will never be refilled or replaced.

but there are so many things that have to be taken into consideration and i have trouble doing that. but if theres only one thing i can get from any of this its

you cant bury the past with the present.

ive taken that to mean you cant move on until youve gotten rid of the past and accepted it and really wanted to move on. a relative quote from a book recently read, yes billy budd is this

time is a mason

this also to me, means that time is your foundation and you need to have a strong and clean foundation before you can start building anything up from it. so maybe my initial foundation has yet to be swept clean and this is preventing me from making any major leaps and bounds in terms of building the rest of whatever it is that im building. i don't know if i will ever really be sure of anything.

I am heaven sent. don't you dare forget. i am all you ever wanted.


i am the cause to all your problems.

well i'm listening to boston again. how does everyone feel about that? oh yeah YOU CANT COMMENT SO IT DOESNT MATTER! well comment on my dead journal and tell me how you feel about me listening to boston. Its pathetic because right now im laughing because i think im so clever.

It was in the march of the winter I turned 17
that I bought those pills
I thought I would need
and I wrote a letter to my family
said it's not your fault
and you've been good to me
just lately I've been feeling
like I don't belong
like the ground is not mine to walk upon
and I've heard that music
echo through the house
where my grandmother drank by herself
and I sat watching a flower
as it was withering
I was embarrased by it's honesty

so I'd prefer to be remembered as a smiling face. not this fucking wreck. that's taken it's place

so please forgive what I have done
no you can't stay mad at the setting sun
cause we all get tired I mean eventually
there's nothing left to do but sleep

I am finally seeing why I was the one worth leaving

"now i can be clasped comfrotably, nestled, in your harmonious arms"

carter did you see that fucking shit man? god. hdgopi dfho;idgh fuck. lets vent. call me.

weirdest comment of the day-

Tenngolfer59: i want you to dance with a sasquatch

"who in the rainbow can show the line where the violet ends and the orange tint begins? distinctly we see the difference of the colors, but when exactly does the one first blendingly enter into the other? so with sanity and insanity."- billy budd

"I'm not here. this isn't happening. i'm not here. i'm not here."

i believe in medication


ITS SO UPLIFTING. FUCK YEAH.

i was barely off the medication when the walls started closing in again.

is this worth it?
tell them that i truly tried.

I AM THE CAUSE TO ALL YOUR PROBLEMS. I HOPE YOU COME DOWN WITH SOMETHING THEY CAN'T DIAGNOS, DON'T HAVE A CURE FOR

OH IT HURTS TO BE THIS GOOD


OKAY, I BELIEVE YOU, BUT MY TOMMY GUN DON'T.

i believe in medication and i believe in therapy
and i believe in crystal light
cause i believe in me yeah
it's so uplifting
fuck yeah
i barely have motivation
they say i suffer from a lack of serotonin synapses
they happen too infrequently for me to be functioning properly
i took the pills i took the advice the panic stopped
but i'm still not right
racing thoughts and wasted time
it's the same old story-line
this is my nursery rhyme and it goes:
i believe in medication and i believe in therapy
and i believe in crystal light
cause i believe in me yeah
it's so uplifting
fuck yeah
i'm barely off the medication
and now the walls are closing in again
i can't breathe and i can't bleed
will you be my alibi?
tell them that i truly tried to give in?

Last call for societal knockdowns
Smashing my endeavors
Cuz they’re based on someone else’s song
Melodrama and a bottle of wine, yea
Here’s to self expression
Here’s to every one night stand
Bring back the days that fell behind
I’m a waste of conversations in the corner of an empty room

A-bi
C-co
C-sc
S-ne
G-pi
M-gi
D-be
C-le
H-we


courtney's a working woman.

you dont think i understand. little holes in parachutes won't leaving and if they do, its because you want land.

carter, you thug master.

i'll get over you. i know i will. i'll pretend my ship's not sinking. and ill tell myself i'm over you, cause im the king of wishful thinking.

its funny when someone thinks they know everything thats going on and so they jump to conclusions and place false accusations on people for things they know nothing about. this is funny because if they really knew what was going on, or even had the faintest idea, they'd feel pretty fucking bad for the shit they just pulled. its lame to talk shit. so give it up.

Shes not aN idiot. if anything she locked on before anyone else the personality being cultivated. she is muy inteligente. haha.

darling, all of these awkwardjumpstartstalling conversations
mean much more to me than anything
it comes down to me and you
and whether we're supposed to or not, we still will
we're so much better off than them

Thanks Carter. and Thanks Chris.

i LOVE brand new. LOVELVOELVOEOVELVLEVOEVLEOVELVOELVOEVLOVE

ill leave on the final note of


"How about that election of 1800"


so until further notice, this is audrey bilasfhskyfoisujvno signing off.

due to "problems at school" the updates on this site will be less and less frequent until i save past posts and copy every single one of them onto a new blog that teachers at school do not have access to. i dont really want to get rid of this. and i probably won't. since the choke is a big name that has a lot of stuff going on under it, i might just create a new blog, an *underground* one if you will, that way i wont have to delete any other blogs that just may be registered under this user name. so my day didnt suck enough before all this happened, thanks everyone who made it possible. but no serious thanks to certain teachers who really made me feel better. i'm not putting any names down because now teacher(s) at school know this site and iw ouldnt want them to feel excluded from my praise. there are though, some teachers at schaumburg that deserve a lot of respect and theyve really changed me a lot and its quite a visible change to most, but in environments where i just don't see the real effort to reach out and impact students, my behavior is less than dignified.


NHS is overrated and monica long has formed the newer and much better club of NQHS which would stand for not quite honor society. so i plan to actually follow up on this club. i want t-shirts?i think that would be cool? maybe not. so that is the life isnt it? i'm trying to not care soo much about these petty things that rank high in our superficial highschool society. ill make a new blog but in the mean time check up on my dead journal since no one in d211 knows THAT user name. id link it here but that would kind of defeat the purpose eh?

well i didnt get into NHS because im a moron.

"appARENTLY"

i've got a motivation problem so my standard break from life is getting longer

i wish i could waste my time without wasting all of your time. you say im fixable, a classic case, lack of will. i say i dont want to try, i'd rather sit here ALL NIGHT.

I'm glad you can't comment on this anymore, because no one commented, so it kind of seemed pointless.

I'm just listening to the new blink 182. i gotta regret rightnow. i'm feeling this. i am really. i can't wait till the cd comes out because im going to be all over that. turn all the lights down now. my breathing just got too loud. i got yelled at today at play practice because im so negative.

im a bitch.

and i have a huge ZIT on my forehead and its the kind that doesnt pop, it just sits there and hurts. FANTASTIC. oh ha.

by the way, tomorrow, october 8th, is Alexandra Chmiel's 17th birthday. i have yet to get a present but i plan on doing that soon. lol. pretty soon yeah.

ive had long black veil stuck in my head all day. it makes me really depressed. life in general depresses me. my apathetic outlook on life is shadowed by a long black veil itself. i still don't know what color to paint my room

im going to new york with Courtney and my mom on thursday. so that should be cool. life is tough right now. i'm not sure where i'm going. i know who i was, but i still dont know who i am.

i don't know what you heard about me, but a bitch cant get a dollar out of me.

i'm a mother fucking P-I-M-P.

does she like me cuz im from new york?

so the only way to really archive on this thing is to show the last 50 days posts. i hope everyone is as amused with that as i am.

I'm sorry that i'm such a mess, i drank all my money could get. I took everything you let me have and then i never loved you back.

i'm sickly

And I will flail under these lights that seep down from the bitter sky tonight
and I will kick and beat my wrists together and feel an ocean breathing waves, feel them licking at my face.
Ceilings don't exist and there are no floors beneath me.
If I were king of this night, would you become my queen?
And I hope, your majesty that you like your position.
I'll do everything I can to keep you by my side
and I'll stare off through the darkness to find us a kingdom.
Just kiss me before I go.
I'll have to walk a thousand miles just to find the ground deserving of your feet.
You could throw me down and walk on me and I'd just look on through my love and through the haze.
And I hope, your majesty that you like your position.
I'll do everything I can to keep you by my side
and I'll stare off through the darkness to find us a kingdom.
Just kiss me before I go.
The nightingales are singing now.
They're calling out our marriage to our subjects on their knees.
Their jewelery is thrown into the air.
They sigh at their release as their shackles hit the ground.
The trumpets call out now.
We're home at last.
And I hope, your majesty that you like your position.
I'll do everything I can to keep you by my side
and I'll stare off through the darkness to find us a kingdom.
Just kiss me before I go.

i love saves the day.