I'm sinking like a stone in the sea. I'm burning like a bridge for your body.

It used to be the reason i breathed but now its choking me up.

I miss my friends. I don't know why i have such a hard time keeping up with it. today all i did was sit on my ass and watch surfer girls and real world. and i contemplated calling you, alix, but of course i didnt. i even went through your number multiple times in my head. but i couldnt do it. i could imagine the bewildered look your mom would give. i feel like trying to reconcile would only look like a desperate attempt to hang on to memories of the worst two years of my life. but those two years provided me with friends i cant bring myself to call because i don't feel like i deserve to be friends with them. everywhere i look i see pictures that remind me. i still have pictures on my desk from navy pier in 7th grade. and i can't bring myself to take them down. i can't even keep it up. postcards from jeanae. pictures of dominique. memories stuck in my head of ali. its hard to accept losing things that were at one point the most important things in your life.

my mom saw chris's mom at the flyers game. man chris brady. thats a name that hasnt rolled of my toungue in months. every now and then i pick up the phone and contemplate dialing that number that used to be on the caller id at least once a day. and i think about how weird it would be to talk to him. and how awkward our conversation would be... or maybe it wouldnt be at all. oh chris i love you. i miss you in a big way.

this is the price im paying for being audrey and lacking the ability to put myself in a situation that i don't have complete control of... although, its quite easy for me to throw myself at people who don't really care at all.

weird.