its weird to me that people become so much more when they die or get famous. and that these are the two situations that bring it out. i only have two examples. ronny dying. after he died and i had to explain it to people i always said that one of my best friends committed suicide. ronny was not my best friend when he died, and i dont really know if he ever was. there was a time when i would have considered him one of my closest friends but that time was so brief that i don't know if it really counts in the grand scheme of events. i don't know if i said this for pity or sympathy or why. i just know that i did it and maybe now i see that it was wrong.
the other person i do this to is jeanae. i know for a fact that jeanae was my best and only friend at one point in my life. though that point was 6 years ago i still use the 'one of my best friends phrase.' it kind of makes me sick knowing i've been so desperate for attention that i've name dropped. i don't know jeanae anymore or what her life is like. i'm just as much an outsider as everyone else. but i was with her at probably the most crucial point in both of our lives though at the time we had no idea. i had no friends and needed her. i believe that because of who we were at ages 12-15, we determined who we would be for the rest of our lives. that is not to say that we are the same or have ever really been on the same page. but this jaded view of life that i know she shares was born in what i consider to be the lonliest years of my life full of desperate pleas for parental affection and, when ultimately not gaining that, a somewhat downward spiral of alcohol, pot, and self mutilation. usually these unhappy years come later for other people along with the self-medicating. i know the fact that it happened to us so early is weird.
every decision that i have made or that has been made for me in advance has affected who i am now. i dont know who i would have been if i had gone to conant with jeanae and its weird to think that that person may be completley different from who i am today. and that only changing a high school could have altered me that dramatically. i don't know who i would have been if i had gone to boarding school like my dad was pushing for. i dont know if i was destined to end up on this anticlimactic path to grad school career and normalcy and if she was always going to be the interesting one regardless. but i just want to die a little inside when i think about my daily complaints of writing annotated bibliographies for 60 sources because when did these mundane details consume my life?
i want to know when i became such a cynic. and i also want to know why god hates me and gave me such a terrible room draw number making it almost impossible for me to get a single.
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