"you were right about the stars, each one is a setting sun."
wilco

recovering from any addiction is hard; be it mental, physical or emotional. most of the time it doesn't even seem like going through the recovery is worth all the suffering. every second of every day is spent thinking about the potential benefits of relapsing into the addiction. after a while, delusion sets in and it becomes impossible to remember any of the negative aspects of the addiction or why you chose to give it up in the first place. you remind yourself, your friends remind you and your therapist reminds you how low the lows were and how bad it sometimes got but you cannot be convinced.

I understand all this. i know i have an addictive personality. at least, an emotionally addictive personality. i depend on other people to fill voids in my life that i don't know how to fill on my own. im unhealthy. i cant move on. i can't let go. i want to. i need to. how do you let go of 4 years? i guess its all about baby steps. and the first baby step i have taken was buying "Codependent No More" at barnes and noble today. theres nothing like self help. and when that doesnt work theres nothing like courtney, movies and comfort food.

"They'll never hurt you like i do."
somethingcorporate

since im talking about all the tragedy in my life, i feel compelled to bring up ronny. lately i cant stop thinking about him and i dont think ill ever stop feeling responsible. at the funeral, his sister said that suicide is usually considered the most selfish thing a person can do, but she insisted that in ronnys case it was the most self-less thing he ever did. i didn't understand it then and 7 months later i still dont. because i still hurt and im still not okay and i know i can say the same for at least 10 other people and how is that fair? im not mad anymore. i just feel worthless. why werent we enough? why wasnt this enough? that sounds so cliche. i'm just so tired of feeling empty. i had so many plans that ended so abruptly.

dealing with the suicide of a close friend has made me hate myself for the my attempts and constant contemplation. i know now its something i'll never do. this may seem like an obvious statement to a lot of people and a little stupid too but its actually somewhat of a revelation for me. this post is kind of intense. but i think i am kind of intense even when most people see me as a static one-sided character. thats my fault. someday i'll stop hiding behind my humor, but not any day soon.

"you say that love goes anywhere. in your darkest time, its just enough to know its there."
jimmyeatworld