ive decided that almost every post i have that includes lyrics is directed towards carter. for the most part at least. all the lyrics are for sure. i cant express myself through my own words so i do it through other peoples and its almost like when they wrote the song they were thinking "we should focus our song on something audrey can relate to on a personal level: unrequitted love."

im thinking about everything. ive come to a few conclusions and iw ant to get them off my chest before i head in for the night.

i decided that my happiness is not important right now. whats more important is yours. ive never seen someone make you so happy. and ive never seen you make someone so happy. i dont want to feel the way i do. i dont want to be upset about it. i want to be happy for you.

i'm trying so hard to be happy for you.

there are some things that just take so much time. and when youre impatient it feels like the hours turn to days. i'm waiting to see the finishline of a race that has no determined ending point. its like living your life by every second hoping that the next second it will all be over. and the pain will be gone. and the thunderstorm that encompased your whole sky moments ago has retreated and revealed a beautiful rainbow. i feel like the gray clouds will always be in the back of my mind and even though i may see rainbows and sunsets, they are only interpreted as weather patterns that are sure to soon break into tumultous natural disasters. i feel like nothing in the world besides myself could make the storms in my head subside. i suppose that is the reality of it. and the initial choice to follow through with something is now mine. taking the step forward is easy, but the direction in which you step is much more difficult. acting my age in the situation i'm in right now doesnt require much maturity. but i'm trying sooo hard.

i understand that my life of consistently "cloudy with a chance of showers" weather is my fault. and if i ever want to get to partly sunny i will have to fix my head. i just dont know how to do that.