So it comes down to this; after a long and much needed talk on the phone (something i rarely have all thanks to good old impersonal AIM) the really big decisions in life are the ones you have to make yourself. but its really hard to really make the right choice alone. for awhile i didn't really think about what i really felt. i didnt really think of anything in my future more than 2 or 3 days off. i didn't really have set morals that i needed to abide by either. it just seemed like it wasn't really something that needed much consideration in my life at the time. its not like i didn't have morals at all, they were just more relaxed than they had been in the past and i thought i was okay with this. i didnt realize the magnitude of one major decison that i had been throwing back and forth for awhile until tonight. right now i feel completely sure that i'm going to do the right thing because i know how i feel. it may seem weird saying that i needed someone else to tell me what was really imporatant to me, but i did. i don't know if that sounds hypocritical or what but i didn't know what was important to me. and having someone very close to me explain everything just made it clearer. sorting through things inside your own head isnt even really sorting, its just... moving around... i guess that is basically what sorting is, but when you try to do it alone, you have nothing to compare it to so you don't know how your completely "sorted" mind is supposed to be. whatever the case may be this probably doesnt make sense to anyone but me, which doesnt really matter because now that i have all these *possitive* ideas in my head i just needed to write them down before i forget. i think i needed to really take a step back and think about the way i feel about different issues in my life. and i did. and now i actually know. i actually feel okay. which might not seem different from the way i usually am okay but right now i really am okay. and i think thats more imporatant than other things. because everything is so much more complex and ive let the shallowness of everyone i know take over what i really feel and i forgot about the intricate and deep relationships you can actually have with someone. i'm glad i know now. and i don't think i'll forget it. ever.