sometimes i feel like people here do like me, but then they never actually invite me out anywhere or try to hang out with me. its like everyone bonded with everyone else but somehow i missed out on that. maybe i act like i don't care; i think i've even partially convinced myself that i don't. but apparently i do because it totally bums me out when i'm at home on a saturday night and the rest of my class is out at bars together. even if i don't even want to go out with them. i would really just like to hang out with my boyfriend. its easy and comfortable and i know he actually likes me.
and why am i so overly agreeable around new people? why do i pretend to like things that i clearly dont? why do i have extensive conversations with my peers here about bullshit that i could not care less about? why do i even tolerate people here who brag about how much they study and how much they know and how MOTHER FUCKING smart they are? why do i worry about what these people will think of me? and, more importantly, why do i even think they can see anyone beyond their own over-inflated egos.
i can only be this version of myself.
so far i really don't like vet school. and i have no idea what to do about that.
why is every step i take just a means to an end? is my life really just a means to a means with no end?
why am i in a perpetual state of existential crisis?
oh. wait. this is why no one invites me out.
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