so sometimes i go to the wrong people with my problems and i dont really think about it affecting anyone else but me. i suppose thats a part of the selfishness that i shoudl work hard to get rid of. i'm sorry it bothered you so much and if i had known before i wouldn't have considered it. im sure i could have finally decided something on my own but at the time i felt helpless. as for the rest of it. i understand the affectionate thing and i dont really care and i don't think we have different ideas on relationships i think we have 2 different personalities and the way we behave and act in relationships is in direct correlation with the way we behave an act outside of relationships. its not anything that bothers me and i dont care about. there are thousands of other ways of spending time together and having fun that don't revolve around the "romantic" stuff and i intend on figuring out all of them with you. friendship is the key element in any relationship and i love being your friend. i love spending time with you and hanging out and talking abotu everything and learning more about you. its fun and i like it. relationships don't have to be stereotypical lovey-teenage-romance ones. and i like to consider ours unique and i like it and its not supposed to be perfect, but its supposed to be what works. so i think our relationship should be one that just works. and i think it is. and i like that you tell me things because then we can figure out what does work and what doesn't. so i don't know. i'll probably call you before you read this because i really want to talk to you now but ill wait till you get home.

last night was a good night. because i rule.

besides that whole issue. i spoke to someone who i haven't talked to in months. i was hesitant at first, but much to my surprise and im sure hers too, it wasnt really weird. it was kind of just like an old conversation, like we had just had one like it last night. i'm beginning to thing there are nothing but endless possibilities in my life.

So it comes down to this; after a long and much needed talk on the phone (something i rarely have all thanks to good old impersonal AIM) the really big decisions in life are the ones you have to make yourself. but its really hard to really make the right choice alone. for awhile i didn't really think about what i really felt. i didnt really think of anything in my future more than 2 or 3 days off. i didn't really have set morals that i needed to abide by either. it just seemed like it wasn't really something that needed much consideration in my life at the time. its not like i didn't have morals at all, they were just more relaxed than they had been in the past and i thought i was okay with this. i didnt realize the magnitude of one major decison that i had been throwing back and forth for awhile until tonight. right now i feel completely sure that i'm going to do the right thing because i know how i feel. it may seem weird saying that i needed someone else to tell me what was really imporatant to me, but i did. i don't know if that sounds hypocritical or what but i didn't know what was important to me. and having someone very close to me explain everything just made it clearer. sorting through things inside your own head isnt even really sorting, its just... moving around... i guess that is basically what sorting is, but when you try to do it alone, you have nothing to compare it to so you don't know how your completely "sorted" mind is supposed to be. whatever the case may be this probably doesnt make sense to anyone but me, which doesnt really matter because now that i have all these *possitive* ideas in my head i just needed to write them down before i forget. i think i needed to really take a step back and think about the way i feel about different issues in my life. and i did. and now i actually know. i actually feel okay. which might not seem different from the way i usually am okay but right now i really am okay. and i think thats more imporatant than other things. because everything is so much more complex and ive let the shallowness of everyone i know take over what i really feel and i forgot about the intricate and deep relationships you can actually have with someone. i'm glad i know now. and i don't think i'll forget it. ever.

Mood: happy
Listening to: Jack Johnson- Bubble Toes


you're my lobster.

Mood: clearly undecided
Listening to: Atreyu- Lip Gloss and Black


I'm taking a short break from my mosaic day. keiko gets home tonight. yay. i hope she comes over. even though she will probably hang out with steve. i need to go turn in my thousands of applications. ive been putting off applying at meineke so long they probably have all the lifegaurding positions for the summer filled. boo hiss. whatever im pretty bored today so just call me if you want to watch my so-called life or friends. ive got both. does that make me cool? lol oh boredom ohhhh boredom.

Mood: beside myself
Listening to: Incubus- Certain Shade of Green

today was a nice slow moving saturday. but now that i think about it, i feel like it went by too fast. there is nothing to stop time and sometimes i wish there was. it all just keeps coming and the day starts and ends before you know it. the days turn in to weeks which turn into months and its like everyone is building up and waiting for something. like some cosmic event. like life is just anticipation for the future. or mourning over the past. what exactly does it mean to "live in the now"? i go to school because its what youre supposed to do, and i get the grades i need to get into college, this prepares me for graduate school, and after i get my phd, ill get a job to prepare myself for my family, and then meet a guy and then i can start planning for all kinds of future events like weddings, anniversaries, children, life. but then what? is everything we do just a step on the planning ladder? today someone asked me why i don't do my homework and if i do its always half-assed. well ive been thinking about that a lot. why don't i do my homework? i guess the conclusion ive drawn is that i don't enjoy my homework, and i don't enjoy school. and if im going to end up spending half my life in school, i don't want to have to think about my wasting a perfectly good soul on school when there are so many other things i would rather be doing. in the time i would spend doing homework if i did it all i could do things like spend real time with my friends, or read a book, or watch a movie. all of these are things that i would rather do than homework. and when it comes down to it, i don't think grades are reall what matters in life. and its really annoying when i meet people whose lives revolve around school. because then you just have to wonder... what is this person living for?

"these opinions are poison
i have been drinking them all of my life
i could never replace you
and i could never forget what its like
step out on a moonlit roof
the radio leads a feel good revolution
cigarettes and my closest friends
i tell myself that i have to remember this"

bright eyes

Blue Man Group rocks. i wish i was that cool.

i started listening to Atreyu again yesterday. i'm really trying to listen to every type of music i can get my hands on. for such a long time i was really close minded about what i listened to and i'm really mad that i was because i missed out on a lot of really good stuff. but right now i'll listen to anything anyone tells me to listen to and chances are i'll enjoy it. i'm really glad there was no school today. i needed a break very badly. i can not take some of the people there. in fact this overpowering feeling of complete and utter hatred overcomes me most of the day. i think today i will do some mosaic work and read. nice and relaxing. low key. tonight is blue man group and hoffman's battle of the bands. i wish i could go to both but i figure its not that bad because they are playing at SHOcase in like a week or 2. my hair looks so weird right now.

note to carter- remind me to tell you about my dream later. haha.
note to steve- if you get bored give me a call today. i'll most likely be around.

"Sometimes we'll laugh sometimes we'll scream no one said caring was easy"

atreyu

today was kind of laid back. i didnt really do anything worth writing down. i very rarely do. i spent the entire day thinking about one thing

"but as for me i'm coming to my final failure
i've killed myself with changes trying to make it better
but i still ended up becoming something other than what i had planned to be"

bright eyes

"I have to remind myself that these emotional experiences are reasonable and discrete unto themselves. They don't have to precipitate a depressive episode. It takes me a long time to realize that when i get upset about something it doesnt mean that the tears will never stop. it is so hard to learn to put sadness in perspective, so hard to understand that it is a feeling that comes in degrees, it can be a candle burning gently and harmlessly in your home, or it can be a full-fledged forest fire that destroys almost everything and is controlled by almost nothing. it can allso be so much in-between."

prozac nation

today was alright. im not really sure what im thinking right now. its about 3000 things going through my head all at once. its really nice to see old friends who you havent seen in a while and actually spend time with them. it gives you that really good feeling, like that everything will be okay.

"Imagination is the only weapon in the war against reality."

well im in gifted now, i should be in the art department working on my project but, my lack of internet at home and lack of completed homework for 8th hour has left me sitting in front of this monitor soaking in the ability to update this blog. today was an okay day. i think im going to go down to lunch to see keiko and steve in a few minutes. there are still about 17 minutes left inthe period. i want to get some more information from crayola though... decisions decisions. my attention getter on my speech is a quote that i vaguely remembered... "We could learn a lot from crayons, they are all different colors, and some have weird names, but they all manage to live in the same box." i thought it was alright but i think i could find better. i want to update my website because i have a new idea that would be better for it. i think i was trying to start too big with the intentions of my present website. today afterschool i want to hang out so give me a call if youre into it. well my power point is lame but im kind of not wanting to do it anymore. this has satisfied my craving for the internet for today. ps. carter is heart-stirring.

my internet doesnt work. i am at keikos right now printing stuff out for my lame-ass power point about how crayola has changed the history of our ....... today i went over to carters for a little while. it was pretty fun for such a short time. i hate not having the internet. i have this desire to work on my really dumb website and make it less dumb but i can't ohhhhh but i want to. ohhh yes. well... so.. .i need to go home soon but i dont want to. so there. well this was a really lame post i just figured i should keep you updated on my whereabouts because i know everyone looks at my blog and thinks "man where is audrey? she hasn't updated in a few days. is she dead?" well im not dead so .... yes........................ well on a scale of 1-awesome, keiko is super-great. well steve, youre my male idol. and charlie you are amazing. and carter i wish i was with you. courtney... you drive with an iron.... claw... oh tico. oihcourtney what can i say? why are you fucking me? well yes. so anyone else who looks at this- youre cool tool. hey Secret toilet cloGGer- leave my woman alone. and thanks for the extremely descriptive directions to the assylum which im sure you REALLY HAVENT been to. liar!!! booooooooooooo well. okay im done for today. maybe tomorrow during lunch ill come up and write more.

dear carter,
ive been thinking about you all day. i'm going to be gone for the rest of the afternoon but i do have my cell phone with me and i would be more than overly excited to talk to you. if you feel like you want to talk to me give me a call. ive been listening to Unsent all mornign and youre right i love it. i hope something funny happens at my grandparents so i can tell you about it. ill talk to you later. see ya