I'm completely in love with you, stephen.


"I can't take my eyes off of you. I can't take my mind off of you."


You'll always be my konstantine.


Happy easter tomorrow.
audrey

On the way home, this car hears my confessions.
I think tonight I'll take the long way.
In this weather, the wind outside is biting.
It's left me feeling tired and exposed.
You've been asking me to bleed.
It seems these kinds of questions, they come too easy to you now.
And your lack of shame comes naturally.
I should not be surprised. I should have seen it sooner.

Expect me to apologize for things that you've done wrong.
But you're inciting others.
You're owning up to nothing and I wish that I was gone,
cause you're not going anywhere.

And this damp air it's fighting my defroster.
My sighs they ring victorious and fog this tinted glass.
And it's clouded and so is my head.
The hint of these new tears are sharp I try to choke them back.
But it's useless. I am useless against them.
They are beating me with ease.

Potential Soul Mates:
-Ryan Purcell
-Chris Brady
-Holden Caulfield
-Steve Newby

Who i will marry:
-Ryan Purcell





I hate my life right now.

I always bend to meet your expecations. My back is hurting not just from that but from where you stabbed me. You were never really my friend, i see it clearer now. People don't treat people the way you've treated me, its not even human let alone friendly. Love is patient and love is kind, why don't you read corrintheans and rethink your so-called love. because over here in my so-called life, its tiring chasing you around or running from you. I gave you everything i had, including my heart and there are only so many times that i'm willing to lay everything down knowing all the while that i'm going to end up hurt. You tell me i'm selfish. well this is me saying i'm not. this is me saying that for once in my life i'm putting myself in front of you. For once i'm thinking of whats in my best interest. for once i'm living for me and not for you. i'm not going to sit here and tell you i hate you because that's not true. I love you and always will. but i'm never coming back. and i'm sorry if it takes you this long to realize everything, and in a way im more sorry if you never realize it. but the cycle of abuse has got to end and youre not going to be the one to stop it. so live your life and i'll live mine. and you're right, you are an asshole. but you don't care enough to change. and as much as i'd like to be, i refuse to be friends with assholes. and i guess in the grand scheme of things, 2 years isn't really that much time. i've been stalled for months waiting as patiently as i could all the while dying on the inside and you call me selfish. its just not worth it so this time im walking away and i'm never going to turn around.


What have i become? Truth is, nothing yet. A simple mistake starts the hardest time.

I'm listening to the ataris and this must mean an all time low. When im depressed i shop and my wallet knows no bounds.

"2000 miles between us and I guess that I'm the one to blame. relationships and heartaches, these two things are one and the same. the radio plays a love song. I smash my fist right through the dial. here's to the broken hearted. a generation born in denial."

I'm commited to insecurity and you. and love is overated. it leaves you devastated- heart ripped in two."


I'm sorry but i can't talk to you anymore. I'm on detox.

I'm listening to the ataris and this must mean an all time low. When im depressed i shop and my wallet knows no bounds.

"2000 miles between us and I guess that I'm the one to blame. relationships and heartaches, these two things are one and the same. the radio plays a love song. I smash my fist right through the dial. here's to the broken hearted. a generation born in denial."

I'm commited to insecurity and you. and love is overated. it leaves you devastated- heart ripped in two."


I'm sorry but i can't talk to you anymore. I'm on detox.

I still love stephen.

I think relationships are more about timing than anything else.


i have really bad timing.

I love you. Someday we will find eachother.


Noises off was fantastic. I loved this show. the cast was incredible, i couldn't have asked for anything more. I'll miss it forever. I dont know if i'll ever really do theatre again. i've left my heart in the carl weimer auditorium.

I can't ever seem to find the blue dot.

I can't do this forever. I'm tired of being your fairweather friend.

I'm going to be a platinum blonde.

You take me for granted. Stephen.


What have I done? It's too late for that
What have I become? Truth is nothing yet
A simple mistake starts the hardest time
I promise i'll do anything you ask, this time.


I cant continue this way. Its breaking my heart and its ruining a friendship. You can call me when you want to be friends again, if you want to be friends again. But make sure you mean it.

You take me for granted. Stephen.


What have I done? It's too late for that
What have I become? Truth is nothing yet
A simple mistake starts the hardest time
I promise i'll do anything you ask, this time.


I cant continue this way. Its breaking my heart and its ruining a friendship. You can call me when you want to be friends again, if you want to be friends again. But make sure you mean it.

I came home from school at 730 this morning. I feel sick.

My life is a joke.

I have no idea when i will make up this Bio test. i need like 2 hours free.

I hate high school.

Virginia let me in.

Boston, where are you?

please don't make me send my first semester grades.

"This is getting over you."

I am almost confident that steve could answer 95% of these questions correctly. With that being said, here is another pointless survey.


What is your full name: Audrey Claire Billhymer
Spell your first name backwards: Yerdua
Date of birth: 2.14.87
Male or female: female
Astrological sign: aquarius
Nicknames: Aud...
Occupation: professional menace to society. haha
Height: 5'8-9
Weight: Last year in gym i was about 145 so we'll just say that
Hair color: light brown
Eye color: blue
Where were you born: hoffman estates
Where do you reside now: schaumburg
Age: 17 for one more week!
Screen names: deerbandits
E-mail addy: staticprevails72@yahoo.com
What does your screen name stand for: hahahaha. long story and inside joke with my mom and courtney from washington dc/virginia. "the bandits probably punched it out." "oh, deer!"
Pets: Baby Axle!
Number of candles you blew out on your last birthday cake: 17
Piercings: well... i guess 2 in each ear. i just repierce them for dances.
Tattoos: i don't have any. Amor Vincit Omnia.
Shoe size: 9.5
Righty or lefty: righty
Wearing: woodland animal pants with soffe shorts and foo fighters t-shirt with ae green fleece
Hearing: At the Drive-In
Feeling: tired
Eating/drinking: nothing but im thirsty

Guys/Girls/Love/Kissing/And Other Stuff
Have you ever been in love: yes
How many people have you said it to: id say 4
How many people have you been in REAL love with: 2
How many people have you kissed: um. like 8-9? a normal amount? right?
Have you ever kissed someone of the same sex: yes
How many people have you dated: id say like 5 really
What do you look for in a guy/girl: sense of humor, intelligence
What's the first thing you notice about the opposite sex: eyes
What type of guy/girl do you usually go for: The kind that don't stay
Do you have a crush right now: yeah
If so who is it: stephen
Do you believe in love at first sight: i guess its possible
Do you remember your first love: sure i do
Who is the first person you kissed: vince guiliano
Do you believe in fate: yeah
Do you believe in soul mates: yeah
If so do you believe you'll ever find yours: i hope so

Family Stuff
How many siblings do you have: 1 brother eric
What are your parents names: mark and linda
How many siblings does your mother have: 3
How many siblings does your father have: 2
Where are your parents from: Salt Lake City Utah and Janesville Wisconsin
Is your family close: Maybe i dont know
Does your family get together for holidays: yeah
Do you have a drunk uncle: no
Any medical problems run through your family: not really
Do you have any nieces or nephews: no
Are your parents divorced: no they are not
Do you have step parents: no
Has your family ever disowned another member of your family: no
Did some of your family come to America from another country: they did somewhere down the line, obviously.

Music Stuff
What song do you swear was written about you or your life: there are so many lol. Right now- Jimmy Eat World- Kill, but usually, Saves the Day- 3 miles down
What's the most embarrassing cd you own: i sort of like them all
What's the best cd you own: transatlantism
What song do you absolutely hate: eminems new songs
What song reminds you of that special someone: it seems like every song but Elvis- I can't help Falling in Love with You. Eric Clapton- Wonderful Tonight

Okay, I Name An Artist And You Give A Lyric From Any One Of Their Songs!
Pink: youre just like a pill instead of making me better you keep making me ill
Aerosmith: hey, j-j-j-aded you got your mommas smile but your yesterdays child to me
Madonna: hey mr. dj put a record on i wanna dance with my baby
Korn: im feeling like a freak on a leash, feeling like i have no release
Backstreet Boys: you are my fire, the one desire, believe me when i say that i want it that way. tell me why!!
The Beatles: baby you can drive my car i guess im gonna be a star baby you can drive my car and baby i love you
Sublime: mucho gusto me llamo bradley and i am hornier than ron jeremy

Favorites Color: green blue
Food: i hate this one its so hard. i just dont knwo right now
Song: Konstantine, weezer- say it ain't so, hey girl live.
Show: emergency vets
School subject: english
Band/singer/artist: saves the day
Animal: i love them all
Outfit: jeans and a hoodie preferably BC or RBF
Radio station: 97.1
Movie: The Princess Bride
Pair of shoes: birks
Cartoon: some weird japanese one that keiko watched
Actor: John Cusak
Actress: Natalie Portman and Scarlet Johansson
Potato chip: hmmm. lays definitely, no ridges!
Drink: strawberry kiwi gatorade
Soda: diet coke
Holiday: christmas
Perfume/cologne: anna sui- sui dreams
Pizza topping: almost all
Jello flavor: lime
Lunch meat: turkey
Card Game: spoons
Video game: DDR max 2!
Website: www.virginia.edu ha. hahaa.
Book: The Notebook, Fool on the Hill, Catcher in the Rye
Computer game: spider solitaire?
Number: 21
Cereal: oh's
Comedian: Brian Regan
Dessert: i love everything
Disney character: Lumiere and Clocksworth
Clothing store: American Eagle and Urban Outfitters
Past time: friends
Teacher: MADDOX!!!!!!!!!
Childhood toy: the doctor kit? or Sarah the doll.
Carnival game/ride: tilt-a-whirl
Candy bar: hmm almond joy
Magazine: i dont really read them... people?
Salad dressing: bleu cheese or... thousand island
Thing to do on the weekend: be with friends, i.e. keiko
Hot drink: lattes
Season: summer
Sport to watch: i know you'll think i'm lying, but, golf. it grew on me accidentally.
Person to talk to online: grant and dave are always funny

Your Bedroom/Sleeping Habits
What color are your sheets: light blue with weird flowers
What color are your bedroom walls: laguna blue
Do you have posters on your wall: Marilyn Monroe and a Kissing the War Goodbye
Do you have a tv in your bedroom: yea
How many pillows are on your bed: 3 if you count the weird little fish one
What do you normally sleep in: shorts and cami or pants and cami
Describe your favorite pair of pajamas: soffee shorts with old navy white cami
What size bed do you have: twin
Do you have a waterbed/bunkbed/daybed: pretty much normal
Do you have your own phone line in your bedroom: i used to but i never used it so no.
Describe the last nightmare you had: something to do with being late for school
Do you sleep with stuffed animals: not really, axle eats them
How many people can comfortably sleep comfortably in your bed: two if they spooned
Do you snore: no
How about drool: more than im really comfortable admitting
Do you have an alarm clock in your room: my tv is an alarm
What color is the carpet in your room: "cotton tail"
What's under your bed: drawers

This or that
loser/wannabe: loser
Doughnuts/bagels: bagel
Day/night: night
Make love/have sex: make love
Coffee/tea: coffee
Hamburgers/hotdogs: hamburger
Rap/rock: rock
Britney/Christina: britney lately
Swiss cheese/american cheese: american
Silver/gold: silver
Nike/Adidas: adidas 4lyfe!
McDonalds/Taco Bell: t-bell
Sweet/sour: sweet
Punk/emo: emo
Hot/cold: hot
Winter/summer: summer
Spring/fall: fall
Operas/plays: plays
Read/watch tv: read
Cd's/tapes: cds
Dvd's/vhs:dvd
Shorts/skirts: skirts
Pink/red: red
Colored pictures/black and white photos: depends. i like black and white though.
Meat/vegetables: vegetables
Mexican food/chinese food: mexican
Commercials/infomercials: commercials
Scary movies/comedies: comedies
Bikinis/one piece bathing suits: bikini
Sandals/tennis shoes: sandals
Dogs/cats: dogs
Water/land: water
Sugar/spice: hmmm right now im in the mood for sugar.
Black/white: white
Chicken/beef: chicken
Colored christmas lights/regular white christmas lights: regular/white
Cars/trucks: trucks
Popcorn/pretzels: pretzels with cream cheese
Passionate kiss/peck: passionate
Back rub/foot massage: back rub
Picture frames/photo albums: picture frames
Pens/pencils: pencil, mechanical pencil.

What Is Your Opinion Of The Following
Eminem: old stuff good
Virgins: are cool
God: is great
Religion: i have it
Valentine's Day: is my birthday
Homosexuals: are my friends.
Abortion: murder is wrong
Inter-racial relationships: why not
Murder: see abortion
Death: happens to everyone
Obesity: sucks for the most part
Pre-marital sex: i cant say right now
Terrorism: who likes it?
Pornography: whatever works
Fortune Tellers: illogical but i would believe them
Threesomes: i'm not feeling it
Prostitution: that doesn't sound hot either
Politics: are important
Country music: yes
George W. Bush: i will always vote the party. i love him.
Cloning: as conservative as i am, i think stem cell research is important.
Britney's boobs: are pretty perfect looking
Gas prices in America: it is what it is. i want a hybrid.

When you try so hard to deny it, why would I tell you that I do love you? I'll never really know what you want from me.

Bright Eyes and now I understand. I feel worse but then I always can.

the kitchen is cold
but the coffee is warm
and the suns coming up
the day has just begun
and your already bored.

bored of cheering me up
bored of calming me down
bored of drying my eyes
but there once was a time when you were the one.
you were the blue of the sky
you came after the storm
you were the switch on the wall
in the dark of the hall
im still fumbling for.

cuz im lost in the black
i dont know where I am.
arms stretched out in front
im calling your name
just as loud as I can
I know theres words that we will never speak
and the questions cant be answered easily
but I wanted to be easy so

nod your head if the plans have changed
shake it, love, if they've stayed the same
smile at me and I will stay
start to cry and I'll go away
just please dont leave me guessing.

so you made me come
then you sent me away
like a messenger bird
so I circled the earth
blown away in the wind
but I always returned
with some new little song
some sad story to tell
of a breif love affair
with a girl I compared to you and she failed

you said you dont want me to beg
then you said get down on your knees
cuz you knew that I would
if I do any good satisfying your needs.
and I know all about those things we cannot speak
and just so you know well they dont bother me
so you dont have to be worried

just nod your head if the plans have changed
shake it, love, if they stayed the same
smile at me and I will stay
start to cry and I'll go away
just please dont keep me waiting
just nod your head if your mind's been changed
shake it, love, if some hope remains
just say the word and of course ill stay
roll your eyes and Ill go away
just please dont leave me guessing.
just please dont keep me waiting.

I haven't written anything in a while. Days even. Altered state of mine with an altered perception of life. If optimism was water, i would be the dryest desert.

I'm glad I have people I call friends. If it were up to me, I'd never have to miss you.

Now that I've lost everything to you
You say you wanna start something new
And it's breaking my heart you're leaving
Baby, I'm grieving

But if you wanna leave, take good care
I hope you have a lot of nice things to wear
But then a lot of nice things turn bad out there

Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world
It's hard to get by just upon a smile
Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world
I'll always remember you like a child, girl

You know I've seen a lot of what the world can do
And it's breaking my heart in two
'Cause I never wanna see you a sad girl
Don't be a bad girl

But if you wanna leave, take good care
I hope you make a lot of nice friends out there
But just remember there's a lot of bad and beware

Baby, I love you
But if you wanna leave, take good care
I hope you make a lot of nice friends out there
But just remember there's a lot of bad and beware

If i had known then that these things happen, would they have happened with you?


I have nothing interesting to say. Today was just a day. I'm scared of school tomorrow. Hold me before I fall asleep. Let me know you remember who I am.



I am finally seeing I was the one worth leaving.